The Show May Be Over, But Traitor Joe's Always Open For Business (If That Business Is Screwing Over Democrats)

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing Sen. Joe Lieberman enjoys more than crushing hopes and destroying dreams. Except maybe the occasional chance to kick a whimpering, defenseless puppy down the street or really stick it to Democrats, ya know, the party he joined in 1970 and represented as a vice presidential candidate in 2000, before deciding eh, why not go against everything I've ever stood for my entire life in some desperate, pathetic attempt to remain relevant, and retain my smooth, surprisingly large, perfectly manicured grip on power?

**Sigh** Oh, that Joe!

Well, according to the liberal rag/commie manifesto The New York Times, Benedict Lieberman has been taking meetings with the two main Republican primary challengers: ball bustin' World Wrestling Entertainment executive Linda McMahon who apparently didn't think $50 million was enough to waste on a losing campaign the first time around, and former Rep. Chris Shays, another old, endlessly frustrating New England moderate conservative who also loves beautiful war but at least understands which political party he belongs to. Which is more than we can say for ol' Joe!

On the bright side, at least Democrats don't have to worry that Joe will wake up with an actual conscious and endorse one of them (heavens forbid!), which would be probably be as helpful as a bite from a syphilitic hyena.

In the meantime, some Connecticut Democrats who are eyeing the party's nomination for his seat are not particularly interested in getting Mr. Lieberman's support. They seem wary of associating politically with a man who went from being the Democratic vice-presidential candidate in 2000 to backing Senator John McCain, Republican of Arizona, over Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential race.
Susan Bysiewicz, a former Connecticut secretary of state who is seeking the Democratic nomination for Senate, noted in an interview that Mr. Lieberman was unpopular with rank-and-file Democrats.
"Senator Lieberman's endorsement would not be helpful," she said, adding that she believed he was more closely identified with the Republicans these days.
Representative Christopher S. Murphy, a three-term Democrat who is also running for Mr. Lieberman's seat, said, "I'm not sure his support is relevant."

Hush it Murphy! You fool, you'll ruin everything!  If Lieberman finds out that endorsing a Democrat would be the quickest, most sure-fire way to screw over a Democrat, then that is just what he'll do.

And what more fitting way to bid adieu to our favorite Jewish Benedict Arnold than with a little Broadway ditty?

Go, go, go Joseph you know what they say (you're an asshole?)
Hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day (use those big, firm hands!)
Sha la la Joseph you're doing fine (for a loser pariah no one likes!)
You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time (well, technically it's a turncoat)

Go, go, go Joseph you know what they say (it's actually probably better if you don't)
Hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day (and by "it" we totally mean money!)
Sha la la Joseph you're doing fine (Hadassah still loves you!)
You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time (more like nightmarecoat for everyone else!)

Oh, fuck it, just...

Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

[image via AP]

The Only Difference Between The Tea Party & Occupy Wall Street Is 235 Years Of Progress

So the Tea Party & Occupy Wall Street movements are not that different? OMG, so true! Just take away the inability to formulate a coherent sentence, add the ability to still move your massive, diabetic body with your own two legs, not the reinforced rubber wheels of your Socialist Medicare motor scooter, toss in your basic elementary school education, a firm grasp of the English language (including spelling and grammar rules), an equally firm grasp of reality (including a vague idea that Adolf Hitler's great crime wasn't insuring poor people and sick kids), throw in a splash of color to that sea of milky white, a hearty dose of tolerance, substitute swastikas for hash tags, replace racist, narrow-minded ignorance and rampant xenophobia with diversity, compassion, decency and justice, and voila!

They are one and the same, practically indistinguishable: Carbon-based life forms whose opposable thumbs enable them to hoist square or rectangular shaped pieces of cardboard with various words and messages scribbled to protest dark, nefarious forces destroying civilization as we know it.

Be it Black Presidents or Blackstone Financial.

What Do You Call A Massive Boehner Who Laughs At The Total Collapse Of Our Economy? Speaker Of The House, Of Course!

It's Monday in America, meaning it's a brand new week for the very mature adults in Congress to flitter about like special needs schoolchildren, while our nation teeters towards the brink of catastrophic self-induced collapse.

Hooray!?

Of course, being the mature, weeping, unnaturally orange-tinted Republican House Speaker that he is, John Boehner has naturally decided to stop speaking to anyone and everyone and write his own terrible debt plan instead.

Conversely, boring, normal flesh-colored Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has also decided to stop talking to everyone and opted to craft his very own $2.7 trillion deficit reduction plan, too. So there!

The good news is that both plans do effectively raise the debt limit on or before August 2, avoiding a catastrophic default and turning America into one great big deadbeat dad who refuses to pay child support, so he can watch the game on his new flat screen teevee and drown his sorrows in 40oz of whatever kind of beer it is they package in troughs and sell to poor people wearing wife beaters in the middle of the day.

In fact, the only major difference is whether the debt limit should be raised all the way into 2013, or whether Congress should redo this entire hellish debate again early next year to force Democrats and Republicans to pass entitlement and tax reforms because total dysfunction and the possible financial meltdown of America is one helluva good time! Amiright??

The bad news, however, is that each side is expected to reject the other's plan and we'll continue to be royally fucked, which is pretty much what happens when a bunch of immature asshats are put in positions of power and tasked with handling very important issues.

TPM reports:

Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Reid said Boehner's plan can't pass the Senate and even if it could Obama would veto it.

"The Republicans' short-term plan is a non-starter in the Senate and in the White House," Reid said. Schumer called Reid's plan a fair compromise. "At this point there is no alternative other than default, and no basis for Republicans rejecting the proposal other than that they want a default," Schumer added. 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, Chuck! Don't put words into their mouths! It's not the economy they're desperately trying to gut like a fish and plunge down a filthy, slimy chute into the toilet. It's the president, silly!

What is so hard to understand here, people??

According to Politico:

A day after breathless news reports that a deal was imminent, John Boehner jokingly told his conference that he had reached a sweeping agreement with President Barack Obama to slash trillions of dollars in government spending.

“I’m just kidding,” he added, drawing a laugh from rank-and-file Republicans, according to those in the room.

Oh, hahahahahaha! Since everyone, or at least that one huge Boehner, looooooves jokes so much, here's one: Republicans are NOT going to crash our economy, destroy our credit rating, and cost us trillions in extra interest on the national debt.

Just kidding!

They'll just fire more teachers and tell more old people to go to hell.

Ya know, compromise!

Anthony Weiner's Weiner Still Works, Is Still All Over The Internet, & Is Still A Big, Throbbing Distraction

Another day, another pathetic, sadsack politician feeling the heat because he couldn't keep it in his pants, or in this case, off Andrew Breitbart's pervy iPhone.

And this time, the no-longer-contained-in-boxer-briefs weiner in question belongs to none other than aptly named New York congressman Anthony Weiner, who apparently managed to put his wonderful, web-cruising weiner in his wife at least once, recently, when not taking pictures of it to send to strangers on Twitter.

Which is, umm, good because now Mrs. Weiner, Huma Abedin, is three months pregnant, presumably with his spawn, unless of course Huma was also slyly chat rouletting her hooha to complete strangers on the internet.

So yes, America's modern-day Bill Clinton (Democrats + Erections + Internets = William Jefferson Clinton) Anthony Weiner and his grand ambition to seduce strangers with unsolicited sausage shots become mayor of New York City is likely over, for now at least, and quite possibly his political career in general.

Unless, the American people are willing to forgive Sir Weiner for his sexting and shlong sending sins, which of course can only be accomplished by crying like a little schoolgirl and tearfully admitting (with certitude!) that yes, that is indeed his bulging groin in question and yes he, not some mysterious hacker, did send them to a lady or six, to a roomful of reporters on national teevee.

Since in typical Democratic fashion, Anthony forgot to read the sex scandal manual and didn't actually sex any of the half-dozen or so random ladies in question, hike the Appalachian trail to hot Argentinian mistresses, catch BJs from an intern, bang prostitutes, wear diapers, misuse public funds, or break any laws, but rather just tempted them with a bunch of embarrassingly lame, grade-school photos of a peen snuggled cozily in gray boxers, he has no plans to resign from office.

“I have made some terrible mistakes,” Weiner told reporters. “I have not been honest.”
Mr. Weiner said that after he sent the underwear photo on Twitter on May 27, “Once I realized I had posted it on Twitter I panicked, I took it down and said I’d been hacked.”
He added, “To be clear, the picture was of me, and I sent it.”
Mr. Weiner said he had inappropriate communications with six women over the past three years as part of a “consensual exchange of e-mails” with the women.

Awww, how sweet! But even this tearful admission doesn't change the fact that Weiner has acted like, well, a colossal Weiner these past few days, using the internet as his own personal X-Rated Sexy Lady Sims Game, then lying about for days once he got caught, and pretty much acting like an all-around jackass (even more so than usual) on some whirlwind, inexplicable media blitz to make himself appear even guiltier than everyone already assumed.

On the bright side, Weiner did manage to knock up his wife while digitally frolicking with random women in cyberspace (yay?), plus he most likely didn't violate House rules by using congressional resources to send said dick pics to his various ladyfriends (save for the $1.50 or so it cost to sex-chat one of 'em on his official congressional phone), and is one of the few politicians to accomplish the rare feat of getting caught in a humiliating, possibly career-ending sex scandal that doesn't actually involve sex.

And the Weiner is...

Tony's Tiger...It's Grrrrrreat!

Another Day, Another Weeping Orange Boehner Wets Himself For No Reason

Democrats and Republicans might be on the verge of shutting down the big, bad gubmint (hooray?) due to some alleged financial dispute, but beloved members of both of our nation's dumb political parties can at least still agree on one thing: even House Speaker John Boehner's inappropriate, borderline hysterical booze tears won't be enough to save the nation now.

After meeting with his Senate majority counterpart (minus the drinking problem), Harry Reid, to discuss always-riveting budget negotiations, John Boehner once again returned to his House Republican caucus to deliver what's come to be known as the sob heard 'round the world.

"Yes. He cried, but only briefly," said one person at the meeting.

Phew! I mean we wouldn't want the ol' Boehns to waste all his glowing moisture droplets in one fell swoop, now would we? Let's just hope he can better budget his tear ducts than he can the actual budget!

So yes it looks like the government is going to shut down tomorrow night because, like, who needs law and order anyway? Certainly not Libya...or the United States!

Because Republicans will NOT do anything, I repeat anything until Obama and the God-awful Democrats agree to withhold all funds for anyone not still connected to a placenta or serving in unnecessary military invasions or occupations overseas.

Ya know, the important people.

But leave it to those pesky Democrats to refuse the Republicans' asinine demands and instead do something really crazy like actually stand up for spending money on some stuff, just to keep the ol' government coiffers filled and humming dysfunctionally along.

The nerve!

The one-week stopgap drafted by House Republicans would provide money through Sept. 30 for the Pentagon, which has said the budget fight is causing considerable problems for the military. The inclusion of the military spending should win support for the bill even from House conservatives who had previously said they would not back any more temporary spending measures. It also allows Republicans to say they are making certain that troops fighting overseas do not miss a paycheck.

Oooh, thank heavens Republicans don't have to worry about people saying they don't sufficiently love the troops with all their ice cold, corporate-sponsored, oil-soaked li'l hearts, since this is pretty much the only thing that concerns the Grand Old Party, other than legislating what a woman can or cannot do with her hooha.

Priorities, people!

“There is an intent on both sides to continue to work together to try to resolve this. No one wants the government to shut down," Boehner said, his lower lip once again quivering and eyes filling with faux warm wet droplets. Wink, wink.

Haha, dumb Democrats didn't even realize his fingers were crossed behind his back, which everyone knows is the universal sign for psyching out Democratic congressmen (and women!).

Which isn't all that hard when all you have to do is demand a bunch of outrageous, nonsensical concessions from the party in power and call it a comprise, stockpile some tear ducts, gather a crowd of lamestream jourrnalists, and scare the bejesus out of caring Democrats by making yet another half-hearted, ill-intended promise to shutdown the terrible, no-good government everyone hates except when Republicans are running it.

 “I’ve got to tell you all that I like the president personally,” John Boehner said. “We get along well. But the president isn’t leading. He didn’t lead on last year’s budget, and he clearly is not leading on this year’s budget.”

Unlike a certain Speaker Leaker of the House, whose unparalleled leadership skills can clearly be seen by the trail of bourbon-flavored tear drops leading to the one place America can't afford to shut down: the local tanning salon, duh!

Which is still a helluva lot better than the latest, greatest GOP "compromise" the Republicans will cook up next, if they want to avoid government shutdown another two weeks: the immediate killing of the first born child in every Democratic family.

See, told ya governing is easy!

Runaway Wisconsin Dems On The Lam In Illinois To Escape Crazy Gov. Scott Walker's Big, Bad, Bust-Up Unions Bill

Screw the Middle East, bro, have you seen the crazy shit that's goin' down in the Middle West?

All 14 of Wisconsin's Democratic Senators have fled the state (9-month long winters and this is what it took?) to prevent union-busting, budget-crazed Republicans from voting stripping public employees of their longstanding collective bargaining rights, and basically transforming Wisconsin's once-powerful, once-strong worker's unions into nothing more than soft, porous, weak ol' Swiss cheese, instead of full, dense, rich flavorful cheddar, that tastes great and looks amazing when worn atop the head at sporting events.

But now that Republican Governor Scott Walker's very kind, very gentle, very reasonable plea for state Democrats to please return to work so they can effectively gut their precious unions to smithereens went ignored, they are also now hiding from Wisconsin state police, who've been called in to "round up" these rogue Democrats, and force them into the congressional chamber.

But in order to corral these wayward Dems and ship 'em back to America's Dairyland, you gotta find 'em first!

In protest of the budget repair bill that will strip public union workers of almost all of their collective bargaining rights, Senate Democrats have walked away from a floor session.
Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald said Dems are refusing to come to the floor to debate and vote on the bill.
Fitzgerald said at some point, if needed, Republicans will use the State Patrol to round up Democrats to bring them to the floor.

But where o where in God's Great Snow-Covered Plains would a busload of fugitive Senators go when evading the long arm of Wisco's new Teabagging Gov. Scott Walker's over-caffeinated, Lipton-loving arm? Why, a generic motel in Illinois, of course!

Wisconsin state Democrats who refused to show up for a vote on Governor Walker’s budget repair bill have been located.
The lawmakers are in Rockford, Illinois at the Best Western Clock Tower Resort and Conference Center.

Ooooh, did you say, "resort?"

Okay, okay, but before Republicans and other human bags o' herb 'n spice see the word resort and spontaneously combust with white-hot rage, let's remember that it's a freaking Best Western! Sure, the place does have an indoor "water park", but nonetheless, the word "resort" may be a tad generous when describing this fine Northern Illinois establishment.

So while Wisconsin Dems enjoyed getting drunk and hitting the lazy river in 65,000 square feet of indoor water park fun and games at CoCo Key Water Resort and Key Quest Arcade, thousands of protesters, from state employees and their unions, to college and high school students, to members of the Green Bay Packers and other sympathetic-to-the-rights-and-dignity-of-workers-type suckers took to the Capitol to stomp their hippie feet and shout meany stuff at the awful governor they just elected. Umm, only about 4 months too late Badgers!

Nearly 800 Madison East High School students walked out of school Tuesday morning to join a demonstration against Gov. Scott Walker's budget repair bill at the Capitol.
As teachers beamed and offered thanks, student organizers in the hallways handed out signs identifying each as a "future worker, future voter," proclaiming this was a "Walk out for Walker out," and calling on the Legislature to "kill this bill."

Hate to rain on your protest parade, cheeseheads, but usually it's best to take care of these things, as in know where your esteemed public officials stand, like if they're really union-hating whackjobs, before electing them to power. Just a suggestion.

But then again, it's their call. If the good people of Wisconsin prefer their lawmakers be forced to live like traveling salesman or fugitive senators, floating around on innertubes in some indoor “lazy river” thing off a highway rest stop in Illinois, then so be it.

In the meantime, Democratic Minority Leader Mark Miller released a statement on behalf of all Democrats urging Gov. Scott Walker and Republicans, who hold a 19-14 majority in the legislature, to listen to opponents of the measure and seek a compromise. Naturally, his statement did not address where Democrats were or when they planned to return.

"We are all willing to come to the table, we've have all been willing from day one," said Madison teacher Rita Miller. "But you can't take A, B, C, D and everything we've worked for in one fell swoop."

Haha, wanna bet?

Because when voters elected wingnut conservative Gov. Scott Walker, along with his 68-page special needs job plan, and GOP majorities in both legislative chambers, they pretty much were begging for a showdown.

And aside from hitting the road, Democrats have been powerless to stop the bill, marking a dramatic shift for Wisconsin, the birthplace of union representation for public employees.

"The story around the world is the rush to democracy," said Democratic Sen. Bob Jauch of Poplar. "The story in Wisconsin is the end of the democratic process."

But on the bright side, at least it is not the end of the cheese processing process!

Though, next time you want to hide from the Wisconsin GOP, and maybe don't feel like taking a mandatory congressional field trip across state lines, a good idea would probably be to just go somewhere Republicans would never, ever, in a million years be caught dead at.

Like say a library or museum.

Deck The Halls With Greed & Sorrow, Santa Clause-Killing Repubs Are Coming To Town!

Forget the pesky equal-rights demanding gays or the gross poors, this time the ever-righteous, morally pure Grand Old Prophets of Divinity here on Earth have turned their seething, beautifully white hot, perfectly rational rage towards a much more cunning adversary: the Godless n'er-do-well Democrats.

Ugh, the nerve of those bastards trying to actually get critical legislation passed during what was supposed to be a lame duck Congress of fun and  frivolity!

Luckily for the rest of us in real America, fearless leaders heroes like Republicans Senators Jim DeMint of South Carolina and Jon Kyl of Arizona will not just stand idly by while Democrats' desecrate the Holy Spirit of Halo III and insufferable, recycled RomCom box office busts with such legislative tomfoolery, like the silly omnibus spending bill to fund dumb government for another year, repealing the discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy permitting gross gays and lezzies to get blown up by roadside IEDs like normal, decent, straight Americans, or signing some terrible, pussy new START nuclear arms treaty with Russia.

This aggression cannot stand!

Enraged by the Democrats' pre-Christmas push to actually get some shit accomplished for once in their miserable, pathetic lives, Sen. Jim DeMint  blasted the move as "sacrilegious," and warned he'd draw the process out to wage his objections.

"You can't jam a major arms control treaty right before Christmas," the less-than-fresh, increasingly bitter Sen. Jim DeMint told POLITICO. "What's going on here is just wrong. This is the most sacred holiday for Christians. They did the same thing last year - they kept everybody here until (Christmas Eve) to force something down everybody's throat. I think Americans are sick of this."

Of course, they could be sick from all the toxic smoke and debris inhaled by 9/11 First Responders lacking adequate health care since Republicans simply cannot justify funding these freeloaders while poor, suffering millionaires, barons and heiresses face the terrifying injustice of a marginal tax increase they'll never need, miss nor so much as notice anyway.

This is a matter of principles, God damn it, and if there's one thing Republicans don't compromise on, it's principles!

Principles like the dignity of denying 9/11 emergency workers adequate care for their heroic efforts during a national tragedy, compassion for billionaire CEOs in danger of losing their cushy billion dollar bonuses, and of course deep concern for their own, hard-earned, well-deserved paid vacation time to celebrate the miraculous birth of their favoritest immaculately conceived precious li'l bundle of divinity, baby Jesus.

Like Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) who simply cannot stay silent while dastardly Democrats try to complete a busy lame duck agenda by dancing like wild Injuns around the swaddled Savior in his miracle manger.

"It is impossible to do all of the things that the majority leader laid out," Sen. Jon Kyl said, "frankly, without disrespecting the institution and without disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians and the families of all of the Senate, not just the senators themselves but all of the staff."

So true! But even a dumb old Mormon like Harry Reid knows disrespecting baby Jesus is better than disrespecting the Resurrected Jesus because HE is no longer Jewish, and thus infinitely better.

"As a Christian, no one has to remind me of the importance of Christmas for all of the Christian faith, all their families across America," Harry Reid said. "I don’t need to hear the sanctimonious lectures of Sens. Kyl and DeMint to remind me of what Christmas means."

"Where were their concerns about Christmas [when they were posing] filibuster after filibuster of every piece of legislation during this entire Congress?" Reid asked on the Senate floor this afternoon.

Ummm, probably out getting plastered with Santa and the rest of those red-nosed reindeer sluts, colored savages, and sodomite soldiers spreading Seasons Greetings, smart bombs, and STDs across the land in sinful secular spirit.

Forget What Jesus Would Do. I'll tell you What Jesus Wouldn't Do. And that's enact some pussy Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty that would bring us closer to 'peace on earth,' or do anything to help ease the pain and suffering of those less fortunate than, say, the Fortune 500.

After all, 'tis the Season to be Jolly Wretched.

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Lessons In Fierce: Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal In Senate As Dead As Republicans' Sense Of Decency & Justice

Pump up the Gaga, gays and gals who like gals! Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid finally went ahead with a a cloture vote on the defense spending bill, a procedural move effectively allowing a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to come to the floor for debate, though fortunately not gay and lesbian soldiers to burst out of Army closets as out 'n proud members of the U.S. Military. Phew!

But, like most other bills not exclusively dedicated to making the rich even more delightfully rich and powerful, this too failed by a vote of 57-40, because our nation's democracy is so advanced and effective that it can't even rule on matters of basic equality like normal human beings not crazed, special needs swamp monsters.

Rumor had it that gay-loving Republicans Scott "Cosmo" Brown, Susan "Cock Tease" Collins, and John "What Happens In Vegas..." Ensign were on board and ready to support repeal.

They were thisclose, I tell ya, thisclose to getting this thing done, once and for all!

But nooooooo! Suddenly, Ms. Collins decided, eh, on second thought, she won't vote for cloture after all because apparently the last 17 years haven't been nearly long enough, and she obviously needs more time to straighten things out, so to speak.

And she will also not move so much as one freakin, freedom-denying  inch unless a certain Mormon Majority Leader agrees to her perfectly reasonable demands for very kindly permitting debate to proceed on the defense authorization bill, so that her wonderful Grand Old colleagues can take to the floor and explain all the fabulous reasons why, when it comes to gross gay and lesbians (except when it involves Michael Steele RNC fundraisers), they don't care about logic or equality, but centuries-old bigotry and fear. Well, that and tax cuts for the rich, of course.

"The majority leader's allotment of time to debate those amendments was extremely short (17 years does seem a bit rash!), so I have suggested doubling the amount of time, assuring that there would be votes, and making sure that the Republicans get to pick our own amendments as opposed to the Majority Leader," Sen. Collins said, adding, "If he does that I will do all that I can to help him proceed to the bill. But if he does not do that, then I will not."

So there!

Collins reminded Reid that Republicans don't want to debate anything until the tax issue is resolved. "I have urged the majority leader to postpone the vote...so that we could get the tax bill considered first -- which I believe could be on the floor tomorrow -- and completed by Saturday, and then move immediately to the DOD bill, but under a fair agreement."

A fair agreement being, of course, whatever it takes to stall debating (let alone voting on) some dumb, bizarre policy compromise crafted 17 years ago, when most of the country still thought of gays as scary, rainbow unitard wearing sexually deviant demons fairying through the skies scouring for innocent heterosexual newborns to kidnap and have their wily ways with back in their Pottery Barn accented soft lofts in the ninth circle of Hell. Now gays are mostly known as those pesky, speedo-clad hard-bodies whose ridiculous demands for equal rights and the same constitutional guarantees as their superior, heterosexual counterparts are making life very difficult for those like John McCain, who rely on hatred and discrimination for their very survival!

Well the Republicans' brilliant "Good Faith" negotiation strategy of ever-shifting demands and stall tactics worked wonders, because Susan Collins did end up voting for cloture,  not because she realized the lives and livelihoods of actual soldiers is probably more important than parliamentary process and archaic Senate procedures, but because with Republican Sens. Scott Brown (MA), Richard Lugar (IN), and Lisa Murkowski (AK) suddenly voting no, the repeal bill was doomed anyway.

Because being a "moderate" Republican like Susan Collins means saying you're in favor of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal, but only once it is guaranteed that the legislation itself would never come to an actual vote because their party would drag their feet on it forever. 

Or if you're a freshly elected Democratic Senator from West Virginia like Joe Manchin, you also vote against repeal (when you're not shooting environment-protecting cap 'n trade bills with shotguns, that is) because in his enlightened Mountaineer state, politicians get instant respect and admiration whenever they vote against their terrible, fellow Democratic party, particularly on matters involving saving this dumb old planet or giving equal rights to them homos and their gross homo agenda.

"There is simply no evidence and no justification - legal, military or otherwise - for keeping this policy in place," Sen. Harry Reid said. "There is no reason to keep American citizens from fighting for the country they love because of whom they love."

Oh, Harry!

You don't need reason when you have Republicans!

But since you insist, how 'bout...NObama 2012??

Hell, there's forty reasons right there!

This Is The Kind Of Change That Makes You Feel All Dirty & Democratic Inside

President Barack Obama took to the teevee to do what he does best, other than nailing mid range jump shots: nailing liberal Democrats and their terrible no-good liberal Democratic policies in order to defend his perfectly good reasoning for bending over striking a compromise with congressional Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts for two years in exchange for new stimulus measures and Republicans collectively pinky swearing to stop acting like a bunch of Grand Old Pricks and big, greedy Boehners, orange or otherwise, anytime he tries do something awful like breathe.

Woohoo!

This is wonderful news for America, because once again the Republicans get to do what they do best: act like a bunch of, how shall I put this, umm, "Asshats" until they get everything they want, yet still pretend they are getting screwed over by that meany black Socialist Muslim thug in the White House.

They get all of their dumb, deficit swelling tax cuts for the long-suffering heiress and baron class, extended for two years, plus some sweet cuts in the estate tax as an extra bonus for all the GOP's hard work, cooperation, and selflessness these past two years.

Because according to President Obama, who is sooooo totally over that whole "emo" stage, it is much more preferable to save the middle class from slightly higher taxes for a short period of time and secure more unemployment aid by abandoning your principles in favor of a smoother-running country, than to make the Republican Party put their designer man pants on, take responsibility, and actually suffer for their illogical policies destroying America.

It's called compromise, and it's what mature, practical, adult Presidents do, something you silly intellectual elites reading silly elite newspapers and sticking to your even sillier elitist ideologies wouldn't know the first thing about!

"There are some who would have preferred a protracted political fight even if it meant higher taxes for all Americans," the president said at a White House news conference a day after the compromise was announced. "And I understand the desire for a fight. I'm sympathetic to that."

But to tell you the truth, I'm kinda wiped from the morning pickup game with my new Republican homies, so eh, I think I'll just give up my ideals, take the Grand Old Position, and endorse the domestic fiscal policy of George W. Bush instead. Who's with me?

While Obama said that he’ll oppose the Bush tax cuts for the rich when they’re up again in two years—he insisted he's "not here to play games with the American people or the health of our economy."

Please! He only does that with round bouncy orange & black leather/rubber/synthetic composite balls, a hoop, and a hard surface.

No More Mr. Nice Guy Barry did have some scathing words for both the "sanctimonious" left, whose wacky idea of reality consists of perusing the New York Times while perched upon their diamond encrusted golden toilets, and the God-awful GOP he shared a romantic, candlelight dinner of principle-free, deep fried capitalist Pork chops, topped off with a delicious slice of heaping humble pie with:

“This is their holy grail, these tax cuts for the wealthy,” a visibly annoyed Obama said of Republicans. He acknowledged that most Americans support repealing the tax cuts for the rich, but said he couldn’t persuade the Senate GOP: “I have not been able to budge them.”

Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!?

Obama said he was determined to prevent a stalemate that would let taxes rise for everyone when the Bush-era rates are set to expire at the end of the month. “I am not willing to let working families across this country become collateral damage for political warfare here in Washington.”

He'd much rather let himself, his beliefs, and his entire Democratic base be blown into smithereens than dare stand up to the scary Republicans and risk exposing them for the power-hungry, poor-hating frauds they are, instead of appeasing them Hitler-style.

"I've said before that I felt that the middle class tax cuts were being held hostage to the high end tax cuts. I think it's tempting not to negotiate with hostage takers. Unless the hostage gets harmed. Then, people will question the wisdom of that strategy. In this case the hostage was the American people and I was not willing to see them get harmed."

Of course you weren't, B! As if Democrats would ever so much as dream of believing in their ideas deeply enough that they would actually be willing to fight for them, lest they look like they possess an actual spine, leadership abilities, convictions, or some outrageous positive quality like that.

Because, if there’s one thing Democrats can agree on, it’s surrendering to opposition.

Of course, one would think that the party that wins a midterm election campaigning solely on the critical need to cut deficits, and then once in power, immediately stonewalls any legislation that would actually cut hundreds of billions of dollars from said deficit, would then be subject to immediate public outrage, widespread condemnation, and criticism for being hypocritical liars, who are objectively full of shit.

Not so my friends, not so!

Instead, the invisible, omnipresent, menacing tax monster started rearing his ugly head, forcing the White House and frightened Democrats to make terrible sell-out deals on tax cuts they really don't want (or need) to make, in the hopes that they would be spared being gobbled up, swallowed whole, and digested, bit-by-bit, by this insatiable giant tax goblin that apparently only feasts on the fresh and tender meat of feeble Democrats, not the old, rotting, maggot-infested flesh of Republicans.

In return for the whole tax cuts thing, Republicans will maybe (haha, fingers crossed!) agree to extending jobless aid for the long-term unemployed, also kindly starving Dems of their one advantage of getting to accurately call out the Republicans for refusing to help all gross poors and unemployed people until every last rich person is taken care of, tax-free, with a complimentary mansion, horse stable, waitstaff, and shiny set of steak knives as a thank you.

Oh well!

Fortunately, these heroic tax cuts, passed in a time of prosperity for no conceivable reason except maybe to further fatten the deficit, will never, ever die.

Instead, they will just shrivel up collecting dust in a corner with all the other disastrous Bush-era policies still lurking, biding their time, waiting for the perfect moment to pass Congress, and trickle down wealth and prosperity upon all the land.

Like say when a Democrat is in the White House.

Surrender becomes the new hope; capitulation, the new change.

Now that's compromise we can believe in!

Praise Jesus! House GOP Ends Climate-Change Committee Because Global Warming Is Just Another Elitist Liberal Lie

Rejoice America! Now that the Teapublicans have gone and taken America back from the evil Democratic scourge to regain rightful control of the House of Representatives, climate change is no more. Done, gone, finito, forever.

Woohoo!

Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming's top Republican and as such, one of the more vocal climate change deniers, announced they will be getting rid of the the committee when they take over, because now that the GOP is in power, climate change is a thing of the past! The lame, Democratic past, that is! Mwwhahahaha!

So why you wonder does this critical issue no longer need special congressional attention?

Duh! Because Republicans say so, that's why!

Turns out global warming never existed at all, except maybe in the minds of dumb Democrats, scientists around the world, the entire international community, and anyone else with half a brain instead of oil 'n sludge lodged between their ears. 

Why didn’t those silly Democrats just listen to the Republicans all along? Here they are holding hearings about the future of the Earth itself, and the whole time our goofy swirling blue ball isn't warming up at all!

Whoopsies! What a hilarious blooper!

Of course, many of Sensenbrenner’s enlightened fellow Republicans were happy to see the committee scrapped.

“I think that if we’re looking for a good place to cut, not having this could be a good place to cut,” committee member Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), said, adding that, “I think that we’ve done a good job of proving that global warming is not a decided science.”

OMG totes! Same goes for that ridiculous monkeys-to-human thing. Suck it evolution! Darwin ain't got nothin' on Adam's Rib!

Luckily for the rest of us, Sensenbrenner promised to continue fighting the good fight to make sure other people in Congress don’t make this amusing little “climate change” mistake again.

But, noooooooo! Apparently some people, like the now-dead committee’s Democratic Chairman, Ed Markey, just don’t see what a terrible blunder they’re making here.

“We are not going away because the problems that climate change presents are too dangerous too urgent for us to disappear into the abyss of cynicism and loss,” Markey said. “We are not going away because China, India, and Germany are not going away as competitors for global energy dominance. We are not going away because the national security threats from our continued dependence on foreign oil are not going away.”

Oh, Markey! They're probably just playing peek-a-boo.

“The politics may change but the problems have not changed,” Markey said. “The problems still need to be remedied by legislative action that comes from the United States Congress.”

Whoa, whoa, not anymore, Ed! Didn't you get the memo? Magic Jesus will be calling the shots nowadays!

Meanwhile, Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.), who serves on the panel, called it a “travesty” that Republicans decided to axe the committee, saying, “It’s the worst thing that could happen.”

Get a grip, Cleaver! Besides, look on the bright side, the House Select Committee on Saving The Millionaires and Naming Stuff After Reagan isn't going anywhere.

Environmental attorney Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said the decision is “not just a catastrophe for global warming but it’s a catastrophe for national security...We have got to make sure to try to educate the Republicans, and to the extent they can’t be educated, to take Congress back.”

Ummm, yeah, good luck with that. They already called No Indian Giving! Err, wait, or was it just No Indians?? I can never keep it straight!

In other breaking congressional news, the sun revolves around the earth, which is flat. And, also if global warming did exist, it can simply be fixed with tax cuts for the rich. It says so in the bible!

Survival of the fittest? Ha ha, not anymore, my friends. This is the Republican's House, remember? More like survival of the dimwittedness!

Obama White House Just Can't Decide Whether To Lay Down The Red Carpet Or Lay Themselves Down & Let Republicans Walk All Over Them Instead

It's no secret that when Republicans even so much as threaten to utter the dreaded words Democrats and taxes in the same sentence, diminutive Donkeys from Dover to Denver run screaming for the hills because nothing is more terrifying than a bunch of wild-eyed, salivating, power-starved conservatives painting liberals as crazy spend 'n tax madmen Socialists, regardless of whether it's based in reality or some Grand Old wealthy, whites-only fantasy land.

Of course, being the brave, thick-spined Party of principles that they are, the fightin' Democrats vowed just last week to focus their lame duck legislative efforts on renewing the Bush tax cuts for the middle class only. So it is likely that they'll soon cave completely to Republi—in 3, 2, oh look, they already did!

Because everyone (ahem, the every rich person with a .45 in their pocket and an oil well in their backyard) knows the Republicans' plan to extend all of the Bush income tax breaks — set to expire on January 1, 2011 — including those for the top two income brackets (aka the wealthiest 2 percent of Americans, the richest of the rich, the Crème de la Crème), permanently and post haste, is absolutely crucial to the survival of America, as a ballooning, bloated, unsustainable, grossly unequal, drunken Diva, free from the terrible scourge formerly known as the middle class.

Hooray!

On the other hand, the dumb ol' Democratic (or at least non-faux Dems like Nebraska Nelson) plan has been to extend all rates permanently except those for the top two income brackets, because, well, it's not really all that important to them, anyway! Not to mention would cost $700 billion less than the Republican plan over the next ten years. Which, considering we're dead broke and all, is still pretty damn generous!

Of course, it would have been a whole hell of a lot easier for Democrats to have forced a vote on the tax cuts right before the midterm elections when they still had sizable majorities in both chambers, because even the Republicans realize they can't repeatedly block a middle class tax cut (just so the rich get their much less needed lovin' too!) without looking like complete assholes, eventually.

Which is why the Dems naturally decided to wait until after they lost the House for White House political adviser and resident bad-idea breaker, David Axelrod, to gently let the whole world know the Obama administration is ready to fold like a cheap suit from the Men's Warehouse in Wasilla on the whole Bush tax cuts thing in a damn Huffington Post interview.

“We have to deal with the world as we find it,” David Axelrod said during an unusually candid and reflective 90-minute interview in his office, steps away from the Oval Office. “The world of what it takes to get this done.” (Oh right, you mean the world of bending over and taking it like a nice, li'l Democrat caving to the whims of a bunch of caffeinated Teabags? Jesus Christ, these guys!).
“There are concerns,” he added, that Congress will continue to kick the can down the road in the future by passing temporary extensions for the wealthy time and time again. “But I don’t want to trade away security for the middle class in order to make that point.”

In fact, he doesn't really know what point he's trying to make since the White House immediately tried to walk back Axelrod's statements the very next day, only to find out that's like asking Michael Vick to replace Cesar Millan as the new Dog Whisperer, only to (whoops!) uncover his secret stash of dead, mutated canine carcasses littering his spacious backyard. Or diving into the Pacific with open flesh wounds while Great Whites circle around, and then asking them to kindly forget about the human snack bobbing helplessly, tempting them from above.

So umm yeah, that's kind of difficult to take back. Plus, when the Dems try to distance themselves from looking like total pussies who whimper and curl into the fetal position before the first shots are even fired, it makes them look even worse.

At least deciding to cede all legislative control to the Republicans, in addition to all the chips at the bargaining table is an actual stance, and as such, certainly better than waffling every which way like some tweaked out, trembling Yo-Yo on a bad acid trip, which only ends up giving the Republicans exactly what they wanted without having to pay any sort of price or take the slightest risk.

Funny thing is, the Democrats can actually do this whole tax song 'n dance bullshit too. It's true! All they have to do is play the fun Republican game of saying whatever crazy half-baked, conjured up lies come into their little minds first, like say, "Let the damn things expire. The Republicans raised taxes. They were in charge of Congress when it was time to pass them. We, the valiant Dems, were willing to sign it , but apparently the Republicans are secret Muslim terrorists who hate the middle class, or at least any dumb schlubs earning less than $250,000."

Naaaaaailed it! 2012 won.

Oh, and it would reduce the deficit. Which may be a good idea at some point. Oh well!

But probably not as good an idea as handing Republicans a cheat sheet with all your strategic moves and a handwritten note sealed with a kiss and the words, "A Dummies Guide To Defeating Dumb Democrats On Taxes In 10 Easy-to-Follow, Sweat & Effort-Free Steps."

Okay then! Just call it the Don't Ask, Don't Tell of tax cuts.

"It is absolutely insane that in these tough economic times some people want to continue George W. Bush's tax giveaways to millionaires," AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka said. "Speaker Pelosi is exactly right that there should not be a so-called compromise on this issue."

"The election is over and now it's time for politicians to show courage and stand and fight on these issues for working families," the union president said. "Let the millionaires fend for themselves for a change."

Oh hahahaha, that's rich! Not as rich as the big pimpin' billionaires actually receiving the tax breaks, but hey, close enough. Besides, with all that extra cash, they can just buy their own state of the art security squad.

Which should come in handy since apparently when Rahm left the White House, he decided to take all the balls with him.

Except for one pair, of course. So put your man pants on and Rahm it home, Nancy!

What America Needs Now Is A Smug Quitter Like Evan Bayh Who Doesn't Know How To Say Bye-Bye Lecturing Democrats How To Become Rightwing Republicans

What America needs now, more than anything (jobs even!) is a smug, smarmy, sleazeball sellout like former Sen. Evan Bayh writing a guest op-ed in the elitist liberal rag, The New York Times to lecture his fellow Democrats about why they too must become a conservative party of far right wingnuts if they ever hope to be awesome winners, like him, ever again.

Hooray!

Because it is always delightful to be patronized and condescended by someone who, after collecting $10 million in campaign cash for an election in which he would likely cruise to victory, decided eh, on second thought, Congress has gotten a little too meany for my tastes, so I think I'll just retire instead. And while I'm at it, of course, keep the 10 mil in cold hard campaign cash 'cause why would I want some dumb fellow Democrat to win my seat when I could leave it to former lobbyist Republican Dan Coats instead?

You see, Evan Bayh is from the old school, a kinder, gentler time when things weren't so bitterly partisan and fat, anonymous slobs in robes and slippers didn't rudely criticize the dignity of United States Senators on their weblogs.

And, as you can imagine, Gentleman Bayh doesn't much care for this new breed of congressional rancor. So instead of say, maybe staying in the Senate to actually try to change things from the inside — oh I don't know by tweaking archaic filibuster rules, reforming campaign finance, enacting laws prohibiting no-good bloggers from saying terrible meany things about elected officials — Bayh decided he could be waaaaay more effective quitting and complaining all the time.

So please, Evan, enlighten the rest of us brainless dolts about what went wrong for Democrats in the elections.

Many of our problems were foreseeable. A public unhappy about the economy will take it out on the party in power, even if the problems began under previous management. What’s more, when one party controls everything — the House, the Senate, the White House — disgruntled voters have only one target for their ire. And the president’s party almost always loses seats in midterm elections.

Ok, good to know at least one part can be blamed on history instead of the no-good yellow belly Democrats for once.

And we were too deferential to our most zealous supporters. During election season, Congress sought to placate those on the extreme left and motivate the base - but that meant that our final efforts before the election focused on trying to allow gays in the military, change our immigration system and repeal the George W. Bush-era tax cuts. These are legitimate issues but unlikely to resonate with moderate swing voters in a season of economic discontent.

OMG totes! Except for that one, not-at-all significant, tiny little detail that the Dems didn't work that hard on any of those (hence why none actually passed), despite all three being broadly supported by independent voters.

I mean, why should Democrats care about silly, unimportant things like equality, justice, sensible economic policies, or pushing through widely popular initiatives broad majorities of Americans support, such as repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell (75 percent), passing the Immigration/DREAM Act (70 percent), and letting the Bush tax cuts for the richest Americans expire (59 percent) when they could just spend all their time focusing solely on business and Wall Street?

Hmmm, in retrospect, I suppose it would have been prudent to address the economic discontent during the campaign season in a way that appeals to moderate swing voters and gets lots of attention, perhaps by introducing the "Best Bill In The World To Instantly Fix The Economy & Make Everything All Better." Then, surely the "extreme left" and magnificent moderates Bayh's always orgasming about would fully support its signing.

First, we have more than a communications problem — the public heard us but disagreed with our approach. Democrats need not reassess our goals for America, but we need to seriously rethink how to reach them.

Give em the ol' Eric Massa reach around?

Second, don’t blame the voters. They aren’t stupid or addled by fear. They are skeptical about government efficacy, worried about the deficit and angry that Democrats placed other priorities above their main concern: economic growth.

Oh so that's what all those semi-literate, misspelled "NObamar is Hitler" signs are all about! Silly me, why didn't I realize that? Makes such perfect sense!

So, in the near term, every policy must be viewed through a single prism: does it help the economy grow?

Followed immediately by the second most important question, does this help the rich get richer??

A good place to start would be tax reform. Get rates down to make American businesses globally competitive. Reward savings and investment. Simplify the code to reduce compliance costs and broaden the base. In 1986, this approach attracted bipartisan support and fostered growth.

Hear that Democrats? You wanna be winners? Then start acting a little less like liberal losers and a little more like strapping Grand Old Patriots who are always right, pure, and good, and can do no wrong.

The stereotype of Democrats as wild-eyed spenders and taxers has been resurrected. To regain our political footing, we must prove to moderates that Democrats can make tough choices. Democrats should ban earmarks until the budget is balanced. The amount saved would be modest - but with ordinary Americans sacrificing so much, the symbolic power of politicians cutting their own perks is huge.
Democrats should support a freeze on federal hiring and pay increases. Government isn't a privileged class and cannot be immune to the times.

Aww, hell yeah! The only privileged class that should be immune to the times are the few, the proud, the millionaires like Evan Bayh and the rest of his Grand Old Profiteers in the highest income bracket.

Because everyone ('cept the dumb, easily duped public?) knows the vast majority of Americans and swing voters in general will never hear about, much less feel, either of these things. Nor will symbolic tactical moves like "cutting the deficit" save the Democrats, put food on the table, or help Junior get a job.

But, umm, nice try??

Then again, they don't call 'em the Grand Old Pretenders for nothing.

So thank you Evan Bayh for sharing your sage wisdom on how to advance legislative solutions by cowardly quitting your actual position of power when things got tough, and also teaching Democrats all sorts of delightful tricks like how to become the strong, successful party everyone respects by championing policies that benefit the rich and appease conservatives while moving the country towards some sort of mythical magical happy land "center."

In other words, how to become the new, old Republican Party!

Bummer Bones Barack EMObama's Sorry He's Not A Dumb White Republican Who Bankrupts America & Bombs Everyone Else

Long-faced loser President Barack EMObama moped around the White House yesterday, making his obligatory big post-election press conference about how bad it feels to get shellacked, before putting on his old Bulls sweatsuit, plopping on the West Wing couch and stuffing his face with arugula chips and Ben & Jerry's for the next two years because clearly America will not be satisfied until a gubmint-hating Teabagger who moonlights as an SS officer in their spare time, occupies the Oval Office.

Because the Republicans gaining control of the House of Representatives (and 1/6th of government overall) in in your standard midterm election shuffle is less a result of the massive wave of enthusiastic, over-caffeinated Teabaggers flooding polling places in every bumblef**k town in Real America and more a national referendum on America's collective hatred of that awful NOBama and his terrible, no good Socialist policies  helping kids with leukemia get actual health care, not suddenly dropped from coverage by the nice insurance companies who figure they might as well save a few bucks since the hapless kid's probably gonna die anyway.

President Obama, appearing somber and reflective after what he described as a "shellacking" at the polls Tuesday night, acknowledged that, "People are frustrated. They're deeply frustrated with the pace of our economic recovery and the opportunities that they hope for their children and their grandchildren. They want jobs to come back faster."

So wave your magic wand and make it all better already, wouldya Barry!

When asked about GOP plans to work for repeal of his health-care legislation, even bummed out emo Obama cautioned that "we'd be misreading the election if we thought that the American people want to see us for the next two years relitigate arguments that we had over the last two years."

But he said he would be "happy to consider" slight modifications to  the legislation and listen to "good ideas wherever they come from."

Jesus??

No, silly! The Republican Pledge To America, duh! There, you will learn all about the wonderful world where talking points and powerpoints serve as the preferred substitute for, say, a real budget, without annoying, silly things like details and solutions.

For example:
- Help small businesses
- Make economy better
- Reagan
- Profit
Economy all better!

Health care reform? Hapuff, that's easy! "Tort Reform" aka "No More Malpractice Lawsuits." There, health care fixed, easy peasy. Now, we can move on to important matters like which dumb Muslim country to bomb next!

Still, Obama acknowledged that it would not be easy to reach agreement on contentious issues, and  "without any Republican support on anything, it's going to be hard to get things done."

But certainly a hell of a lot easier for the Dems to get unceremoniously tossed out of power, just like the Republicans always dreamed it would be!

However, sad, defeated President Obama said that he is "very eager to sit down with members of both parties and figure out how we can move forward together," adding that, "I'm not suggesting this will be easy. I won't pretend that we'll be able to bridge every difference or solve every disagreement."

Ugh, failure!

Obama nevertheless said he believes "there is hope for civility." And he urged elected officials to remember "that our first allegiance as citizens is not to party or a region or a faction, but to country. Because while we may be proud Democrats or proud Republicans, we are prouder to be Americans."

Speak for yourself, Hussein!

"As I reflect on what's happened over the last two years, one of the things that I think has not been managed by me as well as it needed to be was finding the right balance in making sure that businesses have rules of the road and are treating customers fairly . . . but also making absolutely clear that the only way America succeeds is if businesses are succeeding."

Forget the way of the Tao, it's the way of the Dow in these parts, Barry!

But Obama did seem to take comfort in the fact that history is on his side,  reflecting that presidents Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton experienced similar midterm defeats.

"You know, this is something that I think every president needs to go through, because...the responsibilities of this office are so enormous and so many people are depending on what we do, and in the rush of activity sometimes we lose track of...the ways that we connected with folks that got us here in the first place," Obama said. "Now, I'm not recommending for every future president that they take a shellacking like I did last night. You know, I'm sure there're easier ways to learn these lessons."

Become white and conservative?

“The relationship that I’ve had with the American people is one that built slowly, peaked at this incredible high, and then during the course of the last two years, as we’ve together gone through some very difficult times, has gotten rockier and tougher,” Obama said.

Whoa, whoa, OMG, is Obama breaking up with America? So hard to tell with those damn emos!

Although, he said he was sure that this relationship would "have some more ups and downs" during the rest of his presidency.

Phew!! But seriously cheer up, young president Barry! Economies improve eventually. It Gets Better.

Didn't the Mama Grizzlies teach you anything? Man up, B!!

Screw the nice guy routine, it's time to get tough!

Luckily, one liberal commenter took the liberty of writing a new, slightly less somber, slightly more smackdown post-election script for the president:

"Look, you ignorant, Fox News-watching rednecks....I have heard your illogical cries to 'cut government spending' and will do just that — starting immediately.
"I'm implementing a 20 percent cut to ALL federal programs, starting with the three federal programs that consume the majority of our tax dollars: Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security and Defense.
"Don't whine to me about how you 'need' your government-subsidized Medicare or Medicaid...you want cuts to government spending; you'll get cuts to government spending.
"Don't bitch about how you can't afford to have your Social Security check cut. You've made it clear that federal budget cuts are your priority.
"And just in case you think we need MORE defense spending, let me fill you in — the US military budget is larger than the military budgets of China, Britain, France, Russia, Germany, Japan, Saudia Arabia, Italy, South Korea, Brazil, Canada, and Australia combined.
"YOU may want to piss our tax dollars away in unwinnable wars, but since you've demanded cuts to federal spending, I'll be lopping 20 percent off the the defense budget.
"In short, fuck you brain-dead idiots. Ask for cuts to federal spending and you'll get cuts to federal spending. Please direct any whining to the Republicans you voted into office, because I'm done with you inbred asshole teabaggers."

Man pants on, Barry out! Word.

At Least There's One Thing We Can All Agree On: Getting Rid Of That Awful Joe Lieberman

Wah Wah...Is It The Ol' Heave Ho For Traitor Joe?

Beloved pariah and internationally celebrated Traitor Joe Lieberman has always prided himself on a few special qualities: physics-defying, almost impossibly droopy jowls, hideously annoying whine of a voice, the unique ability to weasel between parties, working both sides of the aisle to do whatever is best for the country, which naturally means whatever is best for his reelection chances, and of course, his uncanny knack for bringing both Republicans & Democrats together on one single issue: wanting nothing more than to slap that stupid, scowling smirk off his smug, pathetic face, while heaving his feeble 'ol bones straight out the Senate door.

Finally, something everyone in America can agree on!

Now, it is no secret that the sniveling sad sack from Connecticut has long been one of the most unpopular Senators (make that people!) in the country, perhaps in all of history even, which, considering some of the freak specimens currently calling Congress home (Jim DeMint anyone?), is no easy feat!

But looks like ol' Joe has topped himself once again, and not in a gross, gay way either. That's reserved for pure bred Republicans, only, ya crazy kids!

According to a new Public Policy Polling of Connecticut, only 24% of voters in the state say they would vote to reelect Lieberman in 2012 compared to 66% who say they'd basically vote for any carbon-based, oxygen breathing being over Jewish Benedict Arnold Joe Lieberman's dumb droopy face.

Sure, the man managed to leave the dumb Democrats after losing the primary to actual, non-pretend Democrat Ned Lamont in 2006 and still win reelection as an independent since everyone knows loyalty is not a word in Lieberman's vocabulary, but couldn't resist his adorable charm anyway.

But after Joe went ahead and endorsed that senile old man, John McCain, over someone with a working brain who didn't trade in their soul for a chance to be president, Barack Obama, in 2008, only to go on to never miss the chance to play spoiler and screw the American people over on some important issue or another every chance he got while in Congress, even the usually masochistic Democrats finally had enough!

Apparently, there is only so much getting bent over by a boring, backstabbing, conniving old man-whore the good people of Connecticut are willing to take before saying, hell no, we've had quite enough! Now take your stupid Vaseline and kindly scram back to the filthy rat hole you crawled in from, thank you very much!

But it's not just Democrats who can't stand the guy, even though a whopping 72% would sooner contract Ebola than vote for that old thing again. While taking 70% of the Republican vote was a key component of Lieberman's victory in 2006, 61 percent of Grand Old Patriots now say they would much prefer to swap him out for someone a little less smart, but a whole lot crazier, like say a Real Republican, who isn't afraid to draw Hitler mustaches on Obama's face, round up all the gays, Mexicans, Muslims and other undesirables and ship 'em off somewhere far, far away like Socialist Europe or something.

Even 63 percent of Independents, who usually don't know what the hell they want, except of course to never get their weirdo fringe candidate elected, and simply ruin the race for everyone else instead, say they'd rather make an actual decision (gasp!) and pick a viable side, then vote for ol' Bummer Bones Indy Joe, this time around. So, umm congratulations??

"Democrats, Republicans, and independents in Connecticut agree on one thing: they want Joe Lieberman replaced in the US Senate," said Dean Debnam, President of Public Policy Polling. "His path to reelection, at least at this point a couple years away, looks extremely difficult."

Difficult? Ha! The bastard's middle name is difficult.  Besides, that's never stopped fightin' Joe before! He'll just come up with another brilliant idea, maybe some sort of resolution dissolving Congress and granting sole legislative powers to himself and Hadassah, so America will never be without the dazzling charm and wit of the nation's #1 treacherous maverick with both a functioning mind and possession of his own soul.

Unlike his other beloved maverick pal, Gramps McCain, who gave up his already-decaying soul (his mind left loooong before) for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to unleash a lipstick-wearing Mama Grizzly Arctic drifter onto the world and still not even come close to winning anything, except maybe a chance at early retirement and a wonderful trail of lies, shame and disgrace in his wake. Hooray!

No need to worry about Joe's soul, though. He certainly isn't! Besides, there wasn't much there to begin with. No soul but plenty of power-hungry, selfish Joe-Centric goals. It's just the way the Lieb man rolls!

And since Joe doesn't mind shifting back 'n forth, up, down and every which way, so long as it serves himself, we'd advise Joe to consider losing the whole Jew thing and switch to Chinese Folk Religion instead.

Unfortunately, 2012 is the Year of the Dragon. He'll have to wait another 8 years until 2020, when it's once again his time: the Year of the Rat, duh!

Whaddya say, Joe?? Satan/Lieberman 2020 does have a nice ring to it.

I think I smell a winner! Wait, or is that just the dang rat again??

Quick, exterminator!

Polls Show Americans Don't Know What The Hell They Want, Except Both Parties To Kindly F-Off!

Ugh, like make up your mind already, America! Last week, Democrats were supposed to be on their Obama-made(?) death beds after a generic Gallup poll showed Republicans taking a record-setting 10-point lead, putting them in prime position to retake the House of Representatives and enact all of the fabulous ideas they've had, like ummm, sending the Mexicans and A-rabs back to Mexicanland or Arabia or whatever it is that scary dark people (like Obama!) come from. Hmmm, Kendonesia?

Republicans also had the advantage in voter enthusiasm (these 'baggers are super psyched to vote!), what with the recent Glenn Beckapalooza where obese wheelchair-bound patriots motor-scooted around the National Mall lugging coolers of lard and waving American flags to express their love of deep fried freedom. Not to mention the always exciting Koran-burning bonfires to demonstrate their Grand Ol' love of country using Nazi tactics, waving "Obamar is a Muslin" signs, and shrieking about how Blacky NObama is destroying America by helping the gross poors not die in the streets.

But noooooooo. All of a sudden, in the very same poll this week, the two parties are suddenly tied??

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Get your story straight America! Unless someone doesn't mind looking all wishy-washy gay like!

I mean it's not that hard...which one are you?? Are you some elitist, Socialist, queer, poor 'n Mexican loving loser Democrat schlub who believes in silly things like equality and justice, or are you a strong, strapping white male with a Jesus saves T-shirt, .45 magnum in your pocket, and Caucasian chip on your broad, massive shoulder, who thinks making America great means shipping out NObama and anyone else whose skin color is not beautiful milky white, and leadership consists of more than shocking and awing the sh*t out of poor, desert countries, for like freedom, fun, 'n oil?

Cause otherwise, you, America, run a serious risk of being some fickle diva, not knowing what the hell you're talking about, unless it has to do with dancing in a strippers outfit with B-list Stars on ABC or fat orange dwarfs, drinking, sexting, and licking some dude's "Situation" on the Jersey Shore.

Or even worse, people might start getting the idea that you are actually, dare I say, Bi(partisan)-curious?

But either way, most of this whole 'politics' stuff, by which I of course mean government generally not working at all, except when it comes to smart bombing civilians in faraway Muslimy sounding places and/or fleecing the poor to give to give tax breaks to the rich, will remain the same. Amen!

Yay for Freedom, Yay for America! Praise Jeebus! USA! USA! USA!

Isn't Democracy just the bestest?

Oh, you betcha!

Unlike Fat Cat Republicans, Working MaSTIFF Barack Obama Is Blue Collar Man's Best Friend

Well, well looky who finally got all fired, err make that all "wee-wee'd up" during a Labor Day speech in Milwaukee, when our suddenly No-More-Mr.-Nice-Guy-President unveiled a $50 billion long-term jobs program, as well as some good, old fashioned, pent-up rage at the Republican Party, who have spent the better part of the last, oh, year and a half telling that no-good bastard NObama exactly where he can stick his stupid stimulus, along with any and every other smart, sensible policy he's conjured up in his vast Socialist plot to save the country from total economical disaster, courtesy of the last Grand Old Patriot we had in office. Probably the same place he pulled that ridiculous "live certificate of birth" out of?

So in honor of this Labor Day holiday when all the nation celebrates the American Worker, Obama rolled up his hard workin' sleeves, unbuttoned his (blue) collar and proved to the world that he too is a poor, hardworking schlub just like the rest of us miserable 9-5 normal workers.

But first, El President had some off-the-teleprompter words for the special interest groups in Washington working hard to derail his agenda, with no regard for the consequences or the effects on the American people, who, as the relaxed button down and casual cotton dockers prove, Obama is clearly one of.

"Some powerful interests who had been dominating the agenda in Washington for a very long time. And they're not always happy with me. They talk about me like a dog," he said, to cheers. "That's not in my prepared remarks, but it's true."

But what does "talk about me like a dog" really mean? They compliment him on his full, shiny coat? Complain about his dirty paws tracking mud all over the house? Laugh at how his tag wails furiously every time Sasha and Malia's school bus pulls up or the postman rings the doorbell?

Could be any number of things! But, still not a bad call Obama. Everyone loves dogs. Plus, a lot of normal Americans have 'em, so they can definitely relate.

But, then BaRUFF Obama, the lovable mutt, took off the muzzle, bared his fangs, and went from American Water Spaniel to African wild dog, unleashing the full wrath of his middle-class, blue collar rage on the Grand Ol' "Party of No," complete with folksy put-downs like, "If I said the sky was blue, they'd say no," and "If I said fish live in the sea, they'd say no."

Yes They Will! Yes They Will!

“These are the folks whose policies helped devastate our middle class and drive our economy into a ditch. And now they're asking you for the keys back,” said Obama of the coming midterm elections. “They think it's better to score political points before an election than actually solve problems."

Err, except that one (half black) problem currently contaminating the once-pure White House! But in the GOP's defense, the last designated driver was sort of drunk when he was behind the wheel, so you know that could help explain the whole driving the country into a ditch thing.

"That philosophy didn't work out so well for middle-class families all across America," Obama said. "It didn't work out so well for our country. All it did was rack up record deficits and result in the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression."

Which Gramps McCain will tell ya, was certainly no picnic in the park with your prepubescent sweetheart, or even an extended stay in a Hanoi prison after crashing your plane deep in enemy territory, for that matter!

Then Obama really laid into glowing orange Republican House Minority Leader and Congresses sole Oompa Loompa, John Boehner, as "The Republican who thinks he's going to take over as speaker"—for his opposition to a plan that would keep government employees for being laid off:

"We're sweating and these guys were watching us and sipping on a Slurpee."

Oooh, good one Barry! Real American workers loooooove all references to frozen confection beverages and also all things relating to animated teevee shows like the Simpsons!

Acknowledging that the past eight months of modest private-sector job growth hasn't been enough to bring down the unemployment rate, Obama vowed to "keep fighting, every single day, every single hour, every single minute to turn this economy around."

Good, 'cause nothin' says 'Real American' like a good, old-fashioned slug fest, 'especially if it involves a sweaty, juiced up guido sucker punching an orange midget with equally bulging breasts in the face during a raucous night of bar-hopping on the Jersey Shore.

Saying economic problems facing families today are "more serious than ever," Obama asked the American people for patience, which, much like taxes and gubmint handouts, is something they don't much like to give.

"Now here's the honest truth, the plain truth. There's no silver bullet, there's no quick fix to these problems."

Arrrrrghhh! Hint to Obama: Much like their get-rich-schemes and ice cold cans of Coors, Americans like their fixes quick and bullet-like!

But nooooo! Obama had to be all honest about how rebuilding the American middle class on stronger foundations, like better education, has required "taking on some powerful interests" and that it will take time to "reverse the damage of a decade worth of policies" that caused the recession.

"That's why we passed financial reform. To provide new accountability and tough oversight of Wall Street."

"To those who may still run for office planning to privatize Social Security, let me be clear: as long as I'm President, I'll fight every effort to take the retirement savings of a generation of Americans and hand it over to Wall Street. Not on my watch."

Make that his old-fashioned pocket watch which his great grandfather gave to his grandfather who gave it to his father who gave it to him who he will give to his grandchild, just like folksy middle class 'mericans and Presidential O-dogs do.

After all, dogs are a man's best friend.

Unlike those clawing, hissing, selfish Grand Old Pussycats who would never, ever let some disgusting foreign(?) mutt regulate their precious Wall Street, and ruin America, on their watch.

Their platinum and gold, diamond bezel, special edition Hello Kitty watch, that is. A gift of gratitude from their very generous, very powerful, very FAT feline and carnivorous mammal friends in the Animal Kingdom.

Lyins, (Tax) Tigers, and Bear Stearns, Oh My!

Except think less LOLcats (save for the misspellt wurds!), more enraged, escaped Siberian tiger from the San Francisco Zoo who hasn't eaten in weeks.

After all, even an ol' mixed breed like Barry knows you can't spell Catastrophe without C-A-T first.

Ain't that the doggone truth?? Make no bones (or Boehners!) about it!

With $600 Million Dollars, Why Not Just Hire The Hard-Working, Industrious Mexicans To Build A Bigger Wall?

If You Build It, They Won't Come!

Hooray, America! Congress has saved the nation from the menacing brown threat streaming uncontrollably in from the sun 'n drug-soaked south to steal our jobs, sex-up our supple wives & daughters, and show us dumb gringos how a real Salsa Verde is made.

So now that Congress has passed this $600 million border security bill, sending tons o' troops and weapons and laser-powered death beams to defeat this swarthy Spanish enemy, and everyone is still buzzin' from all this yummy war stuff, will Republicans find it in their tea-soaked, terror-filled hearts to actually work with gross, terrible Democrats on comprehensive immigration reform, as promised?

Ha ha, dream on mis amigos!

The Grand Old Position on immigration reform has gone something like this: Secure the border immediately, and then we'll talk about all this boring, attention-to-detail stuff like how to actually deal with the problem instead of enacting scary, discriminatory bye bye brown people laws in parched desert, now Whites-Only states like Aryanzona.

Now that the Republicans have gotten their awesome $600 million in star-spangled 'splosives and smart bombs, as well as "1,500 new border personnel, a pair of unmanned drones and military-style bases along the border," surely they'll be ready to sit down and participate in a bipartisan discussion on immigration, like actual adults elected to the world's greatest deliberative body, whose job is to do these weird, annoying cooperation things, not act like petulant schoolchildren who got budged in line for the slide.

"In my many meetings with folks on the other side of the aisle to try to gain their support for comprehensive reform, I repeatedly heard them say that once we showed we were serious about passing border security legislation, they would be able to begin working with us to fix other aspects of our broken immigration system," said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), the Democrats' point person on immigration reform.

"It is my hope that the bill we are passing today will break the deadlock that has existed in Congress and will clear the path for us to finally resume bipartisan negotiations in good faith," Schumer said. "With this bill's passage today we have clearly shown we are serious about securing our nation's borders."

Yes, Chuck, we certainly see your seriousness and applaud you for your valiant efforts. And much like you, we too hope for resumed (wait, doesn't that imply that it ever existed in the first place?) bipartisan negotiations. We pray for it every night before bed, right after saying a special prayer to keep Granny and li'l Johnny down the street safe from NObama's roving death squads!

But, as energy, financial and health care reform efforts, not to mention unemployment benefits, the stimulus, environment, and basically every major piece of legislation before it have shown, taking the Republicans at their word makes about as much sense as Stalin trusting Hitler not to pull some insane double-cross invasion, or taking British Petroleum's word that the leak is plugged, the oil spill is under control, and the devastation has been kept to a minimum. By minimum, we mean only half the Gulf has been transformed into a glistening wonderland of crude oil and marine carcasses.

And judging by the past actions of this curious batch of Republicans, who care about this country so much they're are willing to do whatever it takes to destroy it, along with its awful, chocolatey-hued Kenyan leader, the Democrats' trust in the Republicans' willingness to do anything in good-faith ('cept impeach that no-good Socialist bastard in the not-so White House) seems a tad naive and ill advised.

Failing to give the GOP their immigration cake (chocolate-free like they like it!) without securing anything concrete in exchange, like say, a firm commitment to vote "yes" on any comprehensive legislation, will likely just lead the esteemed patriots on the right to demand more delicious birthday cake, then exotic pineapple upside down cake, then fancy-schmancy seven-tiered wedding cake, then who knows, maybe ice cream cake, or probably a whole different dessert altogether (flan?), until eventually they just say, "eh, cake is for Marie Antoinette and other elitist socialists like Michelle Obama only, so screw your damn frosted circle of sweet, moist deliciousness, and stupid immigration reform too!"

Following which, they will immediately return to their brilliant, fail-proof strategy of filibustering everything, while simultaneously whining (or if it's Glenn Beck, weeping) about being excluded from the process by meany Democrats until they are swept back into power by the easily-duped voters who suddenly think balancing the budget is best done by hemorrhaging money every which way, except into the hands of the people.

But on the bright side, at least you don't run the risk of some crumbs falling into the hands of dirty Mexicans!

I mean who wants to eat churros or tres leches cake anyway?

And knowing them, they'll probably take delicious American apple pie and turn it into something gross and Mexicany, like apple paella!

¡Aye Carumba!