Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal Finally Goes Into Effect As Society Welcomes Republicans Into The 21st Century Of Basic Human Dignity

Congratulations, America! The moment we've all been waiting for—and Republicans have been warning us about—is finally here, and it's most definitely queer.

At the stroke of midnight on Tuesday, the terrible, nearly two decades old discriminatory policy banning gays and lezzies from being all they can be as loud 'n proud members of the U.S. military is officially as dead as poor people would be if the GOP had anything to say about it.

It's true! So now that Don't Ask Don't Tell is just another one of America's most cherished, nostalgic Clinton-era memories (right up there with Monica Lewinsky's semen-stained blue dress, and all the wild 'n crazy things you can do with a cigar), what does this mean for the rest of us?

Where's the hellfire, the brimstone, the unraveling of America's moral fabric, the total collapse of civilized society, and the vengeful fury of God's wrath that every Republican knows comes from no longer regulating whether our nation's servicemen and women are servicing each other with the proper penis-vagina ratios?

Even the usually reliable ol' gay panic standby Fox News is uncharacteristically silent on the issue, with nary a peep about how letting gross gay and lesbians openly serve will quickly and irreversibly transform America's once-lean, mean, hetero fighting Marine Corps machine into one big camouflaged Chorus Line, except with less ensemble dance numbers and more anal gang rapes in the shower.

So while Michele and Marcus Bachmann, Lindsay Graham, and the rest of the Grand Old Closet Cases anxiously wait for Armaggedon to come in the form of fatigue-wearing Eltons and Ellens, the rest of America can feel Ga-Ga Great knowing their country's military policy towards gay people is officially no longer on par with North Korea, Uganda, Syria, and Iran, but instead as wonderfully enlightened as Albania, Estonia, and Malta's.

From the AP:

Gay advocacy groups planned a series of celebrations across the country.
At a San Diego bar, current and former troops danced and counted down to midnight. “You are all heroes,” Sean Sala, a former Navy operations specialist, said. “The days of your faces being blacked out on the news — no more.”
The head of Pentagon personnel, Clifford Stanley, put out a memo to the work force at 12:01 a.m. EDT. “All service members are to treat one another with dignity and respect regardless of sexual orientation.”

OMG, what a crazy, novel idea!!

THE GAYS WIN! Hooray! Doesn't the liberal destruction and moral decay of our nation just feel faaaaaabulous!?

For Once Sarah Palin Actually Stands On The Right Side Of History; Like Always She Manages To Offend Us All

Retired snow bunny, current reality teevee star, and president of Twitterbook, Sarah Louise Palin, is trying her very hardest to be taken seriously as a real, electable politician! Mostly by alternating her precious time pallin' around bein' free with Kate Gosselin in majestic, wild Alaska and tweeting 140-character gibberish no one understands all so she can one day become President of America on behalf of all Mama Grizzlies who love Jesus 'n freedom 'n underage teenage pregnancies 'n stuff.

Oh, you betcha!

So, it comes as no surprise that Miss Thang decided to do the proper, professional, presidential thing and let the whole world know her very important opinion on the recent repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell...by re-Tweeting some weirdo rightwing lezzie columnist's Tweet about 'homos' and how microblogging is turning the entire nation into one collective special needs precious li'l miracle named Trigger.

Apparently, Alaska's hellchild Sarah Palin does have tons of gay and lesbian friends! Particularly random, like-minded righties she's never actually met nor heard of 'til now, who just so happen to be one of them awful gays!

From conservative pundit (and secret Sarah Palin BFF) Tammy Bruce's Twitter:

But this hypocrisy is just truly too much. Enuf already—the more someone complains about the homos the more we should look under their bedTue Jan 04 03:12:46 via webTammy Bruce
HeyTammyBruce

OMG, like so true! Everyone knows that those who utterly hate the terrible gross gays the absolute mostest and loudest, and want nothing more than to keep their awful AIDS spreading paws away from the sacred altars and out of the perfectly straight military are usually the ones who end up being terrible gays themselves, or at the very least, the ones with all the secret gay stuff stashed "under their bed."

Everyone including Sarah Palin, that is.

Oooh, how delightful! America's #1 favoritest Twatter of dumb, indecipherable nonsense on important social policies has decided to break her "silence" on the not-really-controversial-except-among-other rabidly-homophobic-probably-also-homosexual-Republicans, Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, by re-tweeting some conservative dyke's profound 140-character thought about the "Homos" and their "beds."

Hooray for freedom and fags!

Except umm, SarBear, here's the thing. While homos the whole nation over are simply delighted, no, make that overjoyed, that the usually reliably bigoted wench of Wasilla is suddenly totally cool with the terrible gays and lesbians prancing around serving (and servicing!) America's Armed Forces, now that they are legally permitted to do so, it is still considered somewhat distasteful for anyone, let alone a major political figure reality teevee star who is also VERY straight to use the word "homos," or quote its use in any way, even if it is in a vague, semi pro-gay rights context.

Not even Sarah Palin, who owns the entire state of Alaska!

Because unless Mama Grizz wants to throw on a pair of khakis and baggy flannel shirt, throw out the lipstick, and go down on Miss Tammy Bruce, she probably shouldn't be tossing the word "homos" around like the new Lilith Fair CD among a group of San Fran dykes on bikes.

This f**kin' woman! I mean, she would come out for gay rights in a way that pisses off the vast majority of gay people, wouldn't she?

Of course she would! Then again, why on God's green earth would anyone expect professionalism from dingbat Sarah Palin, of all people?

Enuf already!

No One Asked But McCain's Still Telling...He's A Bitter Old Man Who Hates The Gays Almost As Much As NObama & His Own Pathetic, Miserable Life

Rejoice America because John McCain's deranged, one-man stinky rotten loser, raging bull destroy-Obama crusade to keep awful gay and lesbian soldiers from admitting they're in fact awful gay and lesbian soldiers is now as dead as the old man's last remaining neurons and synapses.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of the usually insufferable but occasionally decent, ol' Independent Joe Lieberman and scrappy, hard-fighting, justice-seekin' Mormon Majority Leader Harry Reid, the Senate finally achieved its first successful repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell after only 500 pathetic attempts, and like, 17 shameful years, by an official vote of 65 decent human beings to 31 bitter, bigoted old white men.

Hooray!

But just because a policy granting decency and basic human rights to members of our Armed Forces is good for equality, good for justice, and good for America, does not mean it is good for John McCain. We wouldn’t want to have too many civil rights in a gloriously free society such as our own, now would we?

No, no we certainly wouldn't! Unless you're a hippie dippie queer-lovin' Democrat!

“I don’t care who you love,” Senator Ron Wyden, Democrat of Oregon, said as the repeal debate opened. “If you love this country enough to risk your life for it, you shouldn’t have to hide who you are.” [...]

“I’m not here for partisan reasons,” Carl Levin, a Michigan Democrat, said. “I’m here because men and women wearing the uniform of the United States who are gay and lesbian have died for this country, because gay and lesbian men and women wearing the uniform of this country have their lives on the line right now.”

Oh great, so now the line is gonna be all gross and gay now, too!

Good thing one rapidly deteriorating (though, not fast enough!) Senator by the name of John McCain will not stand silently by as desperately-needed civil rights are tossed around willy-nilly to every fatigue-clad homosexual spreading security and sin in every nook, cranny and underground bunker around the world.

Them gays will get rights over his (medically declared) dead body!

"So here we are about six weeks after an election that repudiated the agenda of the other side," McCain wheezed in a bizarre, rambling floor speech, one part argument and four parts temper tantrum.

"You think: 'what this bizarro world that the Majority Leader has been carrying us in of cloture votes on this, votes on various issues that are on the political agenda of the other side, you somehow think that beginning next January 5, we will all love one another and kumbaya?"

Yeah, suck it faggots!

"Today's a very sad day. The commandant of the United States Marine Corps says when your life hangs on the line, you don't want anything distracting," McCain insisted, doing his best impression of Miss Runner Up USA and devout one man+one woman advocate Carrie Prejean..."I don't want to permit that opportunity to happen and I'll tell you why. You go up to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Marines are up there with no legs, none. You've got Marines at Walter Reed with no limbs."

Hear that people?? Human torsos are literally piling up like limbless mannequin mountains all because U.S. soldiers are constantly distracted by all the hotttttt man-on-man action going on in every Iraqi foxhole and Afghan mountainside now that Ga-Ga gays are free to lose the p-p-poker face, put on their rainbow meat dresses and shimmy-shake their fabulous selves out of Army closets across the nation.

On the other hand, soldiers still possessing all their appendages are able to keep constant vigil over fellow servicemen, probably because their minds aren't stuck in the terrible, twisted gay gutter.

What else could possibly be distracting soldiers? Certainly not blessed straight, man-on-woman sex! In all of human history, men have never, ever been distracted by the thought of women and/or having sex with them, only by the thought of two guys in green and brown camouflage getting it on behind the barracks.

Hell, what do you think distracted John McCain when he crashed all those airplanes deep behind enemy lines? Certainly not Cindy McCain, who clearly wasn't yet old enough to be buying elections or posing naked with her mouth duct-taped to protest old white bigots like her wonderful Grandpa husband John wantonly discriminating against gay and lezzy people.

Bottom line is that John McCain is just trying to save innocent lives, innocent hetero lives, that is.

Despite the "thousands" of active and retired military personnel who tell him not to repeal DADT (in his head), McCain was resigned to the fact that it will be repealed, "and all over America, there'll be gold stars put up in windows, in the rural towns and communities all over America that don't partake in the elite schools that bar military recruiters from campus, that don't partake in the salons of Georgetown and the other liberal bastions here around the country, but there will be additional sacrifice."

“I have no idea what he's talking about and no one else does either," Harry Reid said with a shrug.

"All over America?" Technically, his best buddy Joe Lieberman repealed it "all over John McCain's face."

For the second time in as many years, John McCain FAILS to make history. Err, except maybe in the newly revised Texas schoolbooks. They seem to have a fondness for bitter old white men who prefer to go down with the ship.

After they toss the terrible gays overboard, that is.

Lessons In Fierce: Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal In Senate As Dead As Republicans' Sense Of Decency & Justice

Pump up the Gaga, gays and gals who like gals! Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid finally went ahead with a a cloture vote on the defense spending bill, a procedural move effectively allowing a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to come to the floor for debate, though fortunately not gay and lesbian soldiers to burst out of Army closets as out 'n proud members of the U.S. Military. Phew!

But, like most other bills not exclusively dedicated to making the rich even more delightfully rich and powerful, this too failed by a vote of 57-40, because our nation's democracy is so advanced and effective that it can't even rule on matters of basic equality like normal human beings not crazed, special needs swamp monsters.

Rumor had it that gay-loving Republicans Scott "Cosmo" Brown, Susan "Cock Tease" Collins, and John "What Happens In Vegas..." Ensign were on board and ready to support repeal.

They were thisclose, I tell ya, thisclose to getting this thing done, once and for all!

But nooooooo! Suddenly, Ms. Collins decided, eh, on second thought, she won't vote for cloture after all because apparently the last 17 years haven't been nearly long enough, and she obviously needs more time to straighten things out, so to speak.

And she will also not move so much as one freakin, freedom-denying  inch unless a certain Mormon Majority Leader agrees to her perfectly reasonable demands for very kindly permitting debate to proceed on the defense authorization bill, so that her wonderful Grand Old colleagues can take to the floor and explain all the fabulous reasons why, when it comes to gross gay and lesbians (except when it involves Michael Steele RNC fundraisers), they don't care about logic or equality, but centuries-old bigotry and fear. Well, that and tax cuts for the rich, of course.

"The majority leader's allotment of time to debate those amendments was extremely short (17 years does seem a bit rash!), so I have suggested doubling the amount of time, assuring that there would be votes, and making sure that the Republicans get to pick our own amendments as opposed to the Majority Leader," Sen. Collins said, adding, "If he does that I will do all that I can to help him proceed to the bill. But if he does not do that, then I will not."

So there!

Collins reminded Reid that Republicans don't want to debate anything until the tax issue is resolved. "I have urged the majority leader to postpone the vote...so that we could get the tax bill considered first -- which I believe could be on the floor tomorrow -- and completed by Saturday, and then move immediately to the DOD bill, but under a fair agreement."

A fair agreement being, of course, whatever it takes to stall debating (let alone voting on) some dumb, bizarre policy compromise crafted 17 years ago, when most of the country still thought of gays as scary, rainbow unitard wearing sexually deviant demons fairying through the skies scouring for innocent heterosexual newborns to kidnap and have their wily ways with back in their Pottery Barn accented soft lofts in the ninth circle of Hell. Now gays are mostly known as those pesky, speedo-clad hard-bodies whose ridiculous demands for equal rights and the same constitutional guarantees as their superior, heterosexual counterparts are making life very difficult for those like John McCain, who rely on hatred and discrimination for their very survival!

Well the Republicans' brilliant "Good Faith" negotiation strategy of ever-shifting demands and stall tactics worked wonders, because Susan Collins did end up voting for cloture,  not because she realized the lives and livelihoods of actual soldiers is probably more important than parliamentary process and archaic Senate procedures, but because with Republican Sens. Scott Brown (MA), Richard Lugar (IN), and Lisa Murkowski (AK) suddenly voting no, the repeal bill was doomed anyway.

Because being a "moderate" Republican like Susan Collins means saying you're in favor of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal, but only once it is guaranteed that the legislation itself would never come to an actual vote because their party would drag their feet on it forever. 

Or if you're a freshly elected Democratic Senator from West Virginia like Joe Manchin, you also vote against repeal (when you're not shooting environment-protecting cap 'n trade bills with shotguns, that is) because in his enlightened Mountaineer state, politicians get instant respect and admiration whenever they vote against their terrible, fellow Democratic party, particularly on matters involving saving this dumb old planet or giving equal rights to them homos and their gross homo agenda.

"There is simply no evidence and no justification - legal, military or otherwise - for keeping this policy in place," Sen. Harry Reid said. "There is no reason to keep American citizens from fighting for the country they love because of whom they love."

Oh, Harry!

You don't need reason when you have Republicans!

But since you insist, how 'bout...NObama 2012??

Hell, there's forty reasons right there!

U.S. Military Report Finally Asks & Tells, But Republicans Suddenly Can't Hear Or Speak

Oh no, not them pesky ne'r-do-well gays again!

Sure, more and more Americans are increasingly supportive of and comfortable with "gays" and "woman gays" aka "lesbians" serving openly in the military because, umm, last I checked this was the 21st century not the late cretaceous period when John McCain was still just a primordial twinkle in his mother's eye.

And also because much like John McCain's arthritis medicine, personal integrity, and mental capacity, wanton and unjust discrimination too has a half-life.

Pew has a new poll out today showing that the nation has shifted on Don't Ask Don't Tell, since the 1990s. Only 27 percent of Americans oppose gays and lesbians serving openly in the military, down from 45 percent in 1994. Fifty-eight percent of Americans support ending DADT. Even among Republicans, there is a narrow split: 44 percent oppose gays serving, while 40 percent favor.

OMG! Well there's that homosexual agenda for you. Fighting for acceptance, justice, and equality for years and years, until eventually, after decades of hard fought-struggle, bitter opposition, and sloooowly evolving attitudes, the wretched gays and lezzies finally gain said acceptance.

Whoa, whoa slow down queers! Ramming their God-forsaken, insidious agenda down our throats for the past half century or so years until our throats are so red, raw and sore that we can't even close our perfectly hetero jaws anymore.

Just look what's happening to the usually reliable bastion of homophobia and intolerance, the U.S. Military! The much-heralded, highly anticipated Holy Grail of Gay Studies, the Pentagon's several hundred-page report (which you can read all 267 pages of here, if you're insane) on whether allowing secretly gay soldiers to say "I'm gay" aloud would destroy the American military has been released. And turns out...wait for it...most soldiers do not think that allowing their fellow servicemen (and women) to be honest about their own, terrible sexuality (without fear of reprisal) would cause a sudden rainbow revolution where GI Joes and Janes throw off their fatigues, and come shimmy-shaking out of Army closets across the country singing "Honky Cat," ready to make deviant same-sex love, not pure, straight-as-a-bullet war.

- 70% of Service members said they would be able to "work together to get the job done" with a gay servicemember in their immediate units.
- 69% said they worked in a unit with a co-worker that they believed to be homosexual.
- 92% stated that their unit's "ability to work together," with a gay person was "very good, "good" or "neither good nor poor." (89% for those in Army combat arms units, 84% for those in Marine combat arms units.)
- 74% of spouses of military service-members say repeal of DADT would have no impact on their view of whether their husbands or wives should continue to serve.
- 30% overall (and 40–60% in the Marine Corps and in various combat arms specialties) expressed negative views or concerns about the impact of a repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

But it's not just the right to fight and die for their country as out 'n proud members of the U.S. military that the wicked gays are after. They want all the rights and privileges of normal people who have God-approved sex with the proper (1:1) penis-vagina ratios, the nerve!

And just look what the terrible gays are doing to America's moral fabric! Turning us into a bunch of rainbow colored, mostly divorced sissies, I tell ya!

A minority of Americans in 2010 (43 percent) think it is bad for society to have more gay couples raising children, while a majority think it is either a good thing (12 percent) or it makes no difference (41 percent) to have gay couples in parenting roles.

Umm, hello?? Need I remind you of a cozy li'l community called Sodom and Gomorrah? Fire, brimstone, but not a discothèque to be found in all the land. Coincidence, I think not!

What is truly tragic is that so many otherwise good, decent citizens are being swayed by this homosexual cabal and special interest minority always trying to shove freedom and equality down innocent, homophobic Americans' throats, but thankfully we still have heroes like John McCain around to ensure this great nation remains at the mercy of the will of the people.

Err, the will of the non-gay and non-gay-supporting people, that is. The real people.

Like say, congressional Republicans, whose initial enlightened response to the Pentagon's painstaking, months long study unequivocally proving that repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell won't damage troop readiness, hurt troop morale, or cause the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to appear on the shores of Ellis Island, is to demand more hearings and "comprehensive oversight" of this study, preferably until they assume control of the House and can kill it off for good.

The bill, not the gays, that is.

America may be going to hell but hey at least it's riding in one hell of a stylish handbasket, amiright?

Like Husband, Like Trophy Wife...Cindy McCain Gets Bound & Gagged, Then Flip Flops On NOH8ing Fags

Everyone knows John and Cindy McCain have the bestest, most blissfully beautiful, perfectly God-blessed heterosexual marriage of convenience this great land has ever seen. It's true!

For her part, Cindy does bring plenty to the table, like her unique, one-of-a-kind rich trophy wife good looks, senile old man appeal, as much of daddy's hard-earned Anheuser-Busch beer money as Johnny's ice cold albeit ambitious li'l heart desires ($20 mil sounds about right!), and whatever else it takes to get that damn old man out of Arizona and back in Washington where he can fight for the freedom to keep gross gays in the closet and out of Army barracks for as long as it is politically expedient.

Hooray!

Plus, with gramps out of her adorable, blond new pixie length hair, Cindy is finally free to do as she pleases, like diddling the hunky pool boy and/or getting bound and gagged for gay rights before deciding eh, on second thought, my senile spouse might not appreciate this sexy stunt so ummm, sorry gays, screw you and your stupid struggles for equality. Find another washed up, hypocritical heiress to do your dirty work. Cindy Mac, out!

Which is certainly a far cry from just last week when sweet Cind found time to duct tape her celebrity mouth shut to shoot a spot for the anti-gay bullying PSA by the NOH8 campaign, where she basically accused her lovely husband of sharing the blame for gay kids offing themselves all over the place in record numbers, all because of the their own terrible homosinuality. Yay?

"Our political and religious leaders tell LGBT youth that they have no future," Cindy McCain says. ... "They can't serve our country openly ... Our government treats the LGBT community like second-class citizens, why shouldn't [the bullies]?"

Well for one thing, Cindy, the so-called bullies you so casually mention happen to be the same shriveled carcass who supposedly sleeps in your bed every night, but hey, you already knew that, right? Hence, the ol' pill habit??

But just in to clear up any confusion, just like her Mama Grizzly kindred spirit, SarBear, Cindy took to her favoritest Twitter to set the record straight (like the good sexuality!) about how she didn't really mean anything that she said in the NOH8 video, and totally supports her husband's one-man crusade against justice and equality for gross gays, now and forever. After all, blood is thicker than water gay teen suicide stranger blood:

"I fully support the NOH8 campaign and all it stands for and am proud to be a part of it. But I stand by my husband's stance on DADT."

Ummm, awkward? Apparently, Cindy and John did something they haven't done in years: held an actual conversation, not through their various handlers, spokespeople, and strategists.

And miracle of miracles, it worked!

Perhaps it was the lingering effects of her years of living in a prescription pill-addled haze or maybe it's just what happens after decades of living with an Alzheimer's ravaged, almost-octogenarian who resorted to selling his own decrepit soul once sugarmama's well-stocked coiffers ran out, but suddenly it was as if Cindy forgot who she was. Almost like she was two different people, even!

Luckily, thanks to the clean, Mexican-free, parched desert air, Cindy McCain suddenly returned to her good senses and remembered (I know, I know ironic!) who she is, was, and will always be.

And it certainly isn't some equal-rights defending, truth and justice-seeking progressive gay and lesbian activist. Heavens forbid! What does she look like a freakin' sellout Democrat or something? Ha!

No, no, don't be silly! Clearly, the arugula-eating elitist creators of the NOH8 campaign completely misconstrued what she really meant to say:

"Our political and religious leaders tell LGBT youth that they have no future, which is like totally true! They can't serve our country openly, thanks to God and my adorable dementia-addled, spineless hubby J. Mac, who will always be President of my heart. He treats the gross, dirty Mexicans like second-class citizens, why shouldn't everyone, with the help of our perfect government & wonderful DADT, do the same with the LGBT community, always bullying people into accepting their deviant, hellbound, abominable, rainbow Pride floating, tight speedo sportin' ways?"

So thank you Cindy for teaching us all (suicidal gay youth included) a very valuable lesson: when someone, especially the abusive, cranky old balls hubby you bankroll pressures you, you should always cave and give in to hate, particularly if it's a matter of basic human equality.

Or gay kids jumping off bridges. Either one really.

President Obama Finally Agrees To Meet Liberal Bloggers So They Can Maybe Ask & He Can Not Really Tell Why He'll Get To Their Damn Issues One Of These Years

Okay, so 18 looooong, haaaaard months have gone by since President Barack Obama took the oath of office and half the country collectively lost their minds, suddenly afflicted with a severe case of Obama Derangement Syndrome, where once seemingly normal citizens morph into shrieking mobs of obese white supremacists, with bad hygiene and greasy hair, who dress in colonial garb, wave Hitler signs, and toss teabags at gross poor people.

But for those of us who still have our wits about us, full possession of our faculties, and don't stomp on ladies' heads when we disagree with their political leanings, assessing President Obama's accomplishments is somewhat more difficult than simply shrieking "Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist!" every time the man opens his mouth or tries to do anything even taking Bo out for his morning run on the White House South Lawn.

What we do know and can say with total confidence, however, is that President Obama's first year and a half in office likely falls somewhere between the Third Reich and The Rapture, depending on whether you think Jesus weeps Hurricanes & Tsunamis every time gay sex occurs, homosexuals are treated like actual human beings with the same constitutional rights and protections as everyone else, and if America is best served by a non-masturbating (but meatball loving!) witch (who's also you!) as is newest Senator from Delaware.

Disclaimer: for those of you who answered yes to the above questions, you might want to leave now and go assemble the fallout shelter and post-apocalyptic survival kits you purchased from Glenn Beck's latest, greatest (non-gold plated), get rich-quick scheme to keep America fat 'n fearful, Food Insurance, cause you never know which Beef Stroganoff will be your last.

But for the rest of you arugula-eating elitists who are no more concerned with the End of Days, than say, the end of Dancing with the Stars, and don't feel a pressing need to take our country back from a scary, Democratically elected black man in the White House, get excited cause the fun is just getting started!

Because for the first time since declaring war on the so-called professional left, the very people who helped a certain Mr. Hopey Changey become a certain President Hopey-Changey (like as soon as he beats Gibbs at H-O-R-S-E?), Barack Obama invited some special friends to the White House for a first-of-its-kind, in-person chat: the liberal bloggers who are always saying terrible, meany things about him!

But that's not it! He also...wait for it...agreed to give actual answers to the very important questions on everyone's mind, and some of them even made sense! Woohooo!

Like where exactly the self-proclaimed fiercest LGBT advocate, but seemingly, the fiercest one night stand, President Barack Hussein Obama stands on goin' ahead and granting equal rights and all that jazz for those pesky gay and lesbians who naively fell for the whole hope/change thing, with the assumption that it would happen in their actual lifetime.

It is no surprise that one of the more outspoken liberal (psst, socialist!) critics of Obama's slow, steady, almost undetectable pace on gay rights AMERICABlog's Joe Sudbay used his special presidential face-time to focus on the up-until-now taboo issues of Obama's legislative strategy for repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell (he has one!) and icky same-sex marriage, which the president has been about as willing to discuss as he is willing to throw on Muslim garb and walk into a mosque on Sunday.

Take it away, Joe!

Q: I was glad to hear that you and your staff appreciate constructive feedback.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, that’s something we enjoy. (Laughter.)

Q: We’ve been more than willing to offer that. We’ve certainly been more than willing to offer that from AMERICAblog, particularly on issues related to the LGBT community, which, you know, there is a certain amount of disillusionment and disappointment in our community right now.

And one of the things I’d like to ask you -- and I think it’s a simple yes or no question too -- is do you think that “don’t ask, don’t tell” is unconstitutional?

THE PRESIDENT: It’s not a simple yes or no question, because I’m not sitting on the Supreme Court. And I’ve got to be careful, as President of the United States, to make sure that when I’m making pronouncements about laws that Congress passed I don’t do so just off the top of my head.

I think that -- but here’s what I can say. I think “don’t ask, don’t tell” is wrong. I think it doesn’t serve our national security, which is why I want it overturned. I think that the best way to overturn it is for Congress to act. In theory, we should be able to get 60 votes out of the Senate. The House has already passed it. And I’ve gotten the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to say that they think this policy needs to be overturned -- something that’s unprecedented.

And so my hope and expectation is, is that we get this law passed. It is not just harmful to the brave men and women who are serving, and in some cases have been discharged unjustly, but it doesn’t serve our interests -- and I speak as Commander-in-Chief on that issue.

Let me go to the larger issue, though, Joe, about disillusionment and disappointment. I guess my attitude is that we have been as vocal, as supportive of the LGBT community as any President in history. I’ve appointed more openly gay people to more positions in this government than any President in history. We have moved forward on a whole range of issues that were directly under my control, including, for example, hospital visitation.

On “don’t ask, don’t tell,” I have been as systematic and methodical in trying to move that agenda forward as I could be given my legal constraints, given that Congress had explicitly passed a law designed to tie my hands on the issue.

And so, I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think that the disillusionment is justified.

Now, I say that as somebody who appreciates that the LGBT community very legitimately feels these issues in very personal terms. So it’s not my place to counsel patience. One of my favorite pieces of literature is “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” and Dr. King had to battle people counseling patience and time. And he rightly said that time is neutral. And things don’t automatically get better unless people push to try to get things better.

So I don’t begrudge the LGBT community pushing, but the flip side of it is that this notion somehow that this administration has been a source of disappointment to the LGBT community, as opposed to a stalwart ally of the LGBT community, I think is wrong.

Not like gay wrong, or anything terrible like that, but wrong nonetheless. So just chill gays and lezzies, you'll get your rights one of these days months years centuries Millennia! Scout's honor!

Q: So I have another gay question. [Laughter.]

THE PRESIDENT: It’s okay, man. [Laughter.] (Oh, Barry!)

Q: And this one is on the issue of marriage. Since you’ve become President, a lot has changed. More states have passed marriage equality laws. This summer a federal judge declared DOMA unconstitutional in two different cases. A judge in San Francisco declared Prop 8 was unconstitutional. And I know during the campaign you often said you thought marriage was the union between a man and a woman, and there -- like I said, when you look at public opinion polling, it’s heading in the right direction. We’ve actually got Republicans like Ted Olson and even Ken Mehlman on our side now. So I just really want to know what is your position on same-sex marriage?

THE PRESIDENT: Joe, I do not intend to make big news sitting here with the five of you, as wonderful as you guys are. (Laughter.) But I’ll say this --

Q: I just want to say, I would be remiss if I didn’t ask you this question.

THE PRESIDENT: Of course.

Q: People in our community are really desperate to know.

THE PRESIDENT: I think it’s a fair question to ask. I think that -- I am a strong supporter of civil unions. As you say, I have been to this point unwilling to sign on to same-sex marriage primarily because of my understandings of the traditional definitions of marriage. (Aka his understandings of it as political suicide or at the very least, a tad riskier than ol' Barry O would like!)

But I also think you’re right that attitudes evolve, including mine. And I think that it is an issue that I wrestle with and think about because I have a whole host of friends who are in gay partnerships. I have staff members who are in committed, monogamous relationships, who are raising children, who are wonderful parents.

And I care about them deeply. And so while I’m not prepared to reverse myself here, sitting in the Roosevelt Room at 3:30 in the afternoon, I think it’s fair to say that it’s something that I think a lot about. That’s probably the best you’ll do out of me today. (Laughter.)

Q: It is an important issue, and I think that --

THE PRESIDENT: I think it’s an entirely fair question to ask.

Q: And part of it is that you can’t be equal in this country if the very core of who you are as a person and the love -- the person you love is not -- if that relationship isn’t the same as everybody else’s, then we’re not equal. And I think that a lot of -- particularly in the wake of the California election on Prop 8, a lot of gay people realized we’re not equal. And I think that that’s -- that’s been part of the change in the --

THE PRESIDENT: Prop 8, which I opposed.

Q: Right. I remember you did. You sent the letter and that was great. I think that the level of intensity in the LGBT community changed after we lost rights in that election. And I think that’s a lot of where the community is right now.

THE PRESIDENT: The one thing I will say today is I think it’s pretty clear where the trendlines are going.

Q: The arc of history.

THE PRESIDENT: The arc of history.

Which much like his jumpshot, has a loooooooong trajectory that moves in slow motion on it's way to swishing through the net/clanking off the backboard or whatever the case may be.

Q: Well, can I ask you just about “don’t ask, don’t tell,” just following up? (Laughter.) I just want to follow up. Because you mentioned it -

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, sure. Go ahead.

Q: Is there a strategy for the lame-duck session to--and you’re going to be involved?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes.

Q: Will Secretary Gates be involved?

THE PRESIDENT: I’m not going to tip my hand now. But there is a strategy.

Q: Okay.

Q: Can we call it a secret plan? (Laughter)

THE PRESIDENT: I was very deliberate in working with the Pentagon so that I’ve got the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs being very clear about the need to end this policy. That is part of a strategy that I have been pursuing since I came into office. And my hope is that will culminate in getting this thing overturned before the end of the year.

Now, as usual, I need 60 votes. So I think that, Joe, the folks that you need to be having a really good conversation with -- and I had that conversation with them directly yesterday, but you may have more influence than I do -- is making sure that all those Log Cabin Republicans who helped to finance this lawsuit and who feel about this issue so passionately are working the handful of Republicans that we need to get this thing done.

Q: Yes, I don’t have that relationship with them. [Laughter.] (Sorry, NObama, sort of like with black people, not all gays know each other!)

THE PRESIDENT: But, I mean, it’s just -- I don’t understand the logic of it.

Q: Nor do I.

THE PRESIDENT: You’re financing a very successful, very effective legal strategy, and yet the only really thing you need to do is make sure that we get two to five Republican votes in the Senate. And I said directly to the Log Cabin Republican who was here yesterday, I said, that can’t be that hard. Get me those votes.

Because what I do anticipate is that John McCain and maybe some others will filibuster this issue, and we’re going to have to have a cloture vote. If we can get through that cloture vote, this is done.

Like what the hell is the matter with you conservative queers? Get one of the Grand Ol' Bigots in your Party to not openly discriminate against you for once in your God damn pathetic, hypocritical, eternally hell-bound existence and voila! you can thanklessly die all you want fighting for this country's freedom (to hate and demonize you). Really, it's that simple.

Your best bet is probably to go after that senile old man from Arizona who is going to go clean up Washington even though he's been there for three decades. You know, the one who used to be a maverick and like gays and immigrants before he sold his soul to the highest bidder (Satan) for the chance to unceremoniously lose the presidency and unleash a furious Arctic gale wind by the name of Sarah onto society. You remember him, don't you? Well good, because he doesn't remember anything!

Least of all which terrible gross despicable minority he's supposed to hate and screw over for personal and political gain now.

Whigs? Freemasons? Dixiecrats? Free Soils? Know Nothings? Nez Perce?

Ugh, he can never keep 'em straight (and no, we don't mean the good sexuality) these days!

But either way, who cares because President Obama is going to finally get lefty gays and righty gays to work blissfully together since no one has ever tried that strategy before. No one! Ever!

"Presidents don't usually think out loud unless they intend to send a signal that they are shifting a position," said Richard Socarides, a former adviser to President Bill Clinton on gay issues. "I think [Obama] realizes he can't run as a gay rights advocate in 2012 and be against marriage equality. People see domestic partnerships are separate but equal."

Eh, more like separate and unequal, but hey, who's counting?

Oh what, you never heard of the Obama shuffle? The President's uncanny ability to shimmy shake, and do the Barry boogie around difficult, potentially controversial (scary!) issues, preferring instead to deflect such formidable challenges to someone, anyone willing to take 'em.

Health care? Eh, let those Blue Dogs in Congress ruin it deal with it.

Immigration reform? No gracias! What do you think he's loco or something??

Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Don't look at him, after all he's not a Senator, now he is? No, he is not!

He is also not a Supreme Court Justice, so please don't ask him what is and what is not constitutional. I don't care if the man is a constitutional scholar who taught law at the University of Chicago for 12 years, he still has no business putting his presidential two-sense every which way!

These are the responsibilities of someone important, not some lowly leader of the free world.

I mean what the hell is wrong with you people, anyway?

You want something done? Grab a pen, clean sheet of paper, and write a nice li'l note to Santy Claus.

Someone who actually cares...and has a lifetime appointment!

Republican Congressional Hopeful Sean Bielat Knows Short Is The New Gay, So Speak Softly & Carry A Big (Measuring) Stick!

Republican congressional candidate Sean Bielat believes in two simple truths: the power of his own digitally crafted campaign ads of Barney Frank gay dancing across Massachusetts propelling him to certain election victory over that no-good, tax-lovin' liberal queer with a lisp, and his uncanny ability to apply simple logic to solve complex problems facing the nation, like say, what to do with those pesky gays and lezzies fighting so hard for the right to die for America like normal, decent straight men and women, who aren't just too damn attracted to the same sex to be able to honorably defend their nation's freedom by killing Muslims in parched foreign deserts in faraway lands.

"There's no absolute right to serve. Men under the height of 5 feet, 2 inches can't serve - I don't see anybody protesting. Where are the people standing in front of the White House, the short guys standing in front of the White House? You don't see it," Bielat said.

Ummm, that could be because they're all just too darn vertically challenged for the naked eye to actually see at all. But, I'm sure being the mental giant that he is, Bielat has an even better explanation.

"We understand that there's no absolute right to serve in all these other areas," Bielat said, apparently unaware of the massive crowd of five, not vertically, but mentally challenged Birthers protesting whatever it is obese white people protest (black presidents in their White House?) on the National Mall with Hitler signs.

What we don't see, however, is any petite li'l fellas handcuffing themselves to the White House in protest, because even they know well enough that they are too damn short and gross to participate in any warring activities like the rest of the convicted felons, high school dropouts, former drug addicts and honorable normal-sized American citizens openly serving their country as proud members of the U.S. Armed Forces.

So the moral of the story is: short people should be allowed to serve, just so long as they're not *openly* short. Just like gay people should be allowed to serve, so long as they're not *openly* gay.

You've heard of Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Well, this is more like Don't Ask, Don't Measure!

Hard to argue with airtight logic like that...

Errr, except for the tiny, insignificant fact that one group is physically limited in their ability to serve, while the other isn't so much physically limited as physically enjoys banging people of the same sex in their free time. Unless gay also means you have no arms, no legs, marbles instead of eyes, and are going straight to hell for having deviant sex with all the wrong penis-vagina ratios.

Or as the Boston Herald put it:

Hmm. ... On the other hand, vertically challenged people are not forced to pretend they're tall, then drummed out once it's discovered they're short in spite of their service record.

Then again, coming out as a wee li'l teeny-tiny, itty-bitty shrimp man or woman never had the whole "whoa, whoa, whoa, OMG REALLY??" factor.

Not to mention, big, flamboyant hair styles, secret boot lifts, extra thick heels, and vertical stripes never were the recommended methods for hiding your total gayness.

A much more sure-fire, effective way to pretend you're somebody you're not is simply to join the Republican Party.

No questions asked. Or, for that matter, answers given.

Because why Ask and Tell when you can just Lie and Yell?

Campaign for Equal Rights? Ha ha, more like the Campaign for Equal Heights!

Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Will You Help Me Grow Some Balls & Fulfill My Promise Of Equality For All?

Look you gays, err guys, the Obama administration like totally wants to abolish that terrible, shameful, discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, 100% for sure without a doubt. They are like totes behind you on that one!

But, here's the thing. They are very particular when it comes to actually putting this horrible joke of a policy they are always telling us how much they hate to rest, and being the fuddyduddys that they are, can and will only bring an end to this intolerance in the nicest, most polite way possible, complete with a pretty pink ribbon to really tie the whole discrimination look together.

This is just how Barack rolls!

Because the important thing here isn't of course ending the disgraceful 17-year-old unconstitutional policy unfairly targeting a group of people simply because of their weird, deviant same-sexuality, but rather how it is ended. Am I right? Who's with me?

And this is why the Obama administration, being the civilized, refined ladies and gentleman that they are will not simply let DADT be overturned the fast and ballsy, down 'n dirty way, in the courts, because that is not nice and neat and pretty, and certainly not something befitting of such distinguished, upstanding pillars of the community.

The Justice Department is asking a federal appeals court to lift a moratorium on the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” by the end of today, once again arguing that the injunction jeopardizes an ongoing Pentagon review of how to end the ban on openly gay and lesbian service members. [...]

In court papers, the Justice Department said Phillips’s injunction “is at odds with basic principles of judicial restraint” because it blocks the Pentagon from enforcing the gay ban across the military and not just among members of the Log Cabin Republicans, the group that filed suit challenging the constitutionality of the law.

So just to get this straight (and we don't mean the good, military kind of straight), the Log Cabin REPUBLICANS are in favor of ending Don't Ask, Don't Tell now; the Obama administration is not. Hmmm, nothing weird here, no sir-ee!

The appeal for a stay of Phillips’s injunction is meant as a stop-gap while the Justice Department prepares to appeal the judge’s September ruling that “don’t ask” is unconstitutional. The government is appealing the law despite President Obama’s stated opposition to the 17-year gay ban. Obama has urged Congress to repeal the law through legislation.

"It happens every once in awhile at the federal level when the solicitor general, on behalf of the U.S., will confess error or decline to defend a law," said ex-George W. Bush administration solicitor general Ted Olson, who has renounced his formerly evil ways and is now leading the legal challenge of California's ban on same-sex marriage.

"I don't know what is going through the [Obama] administration's thought process on ‘don't ask, don't tell,'" Olson said. "It would be appropriate for them to say ‘the law has been deemed unconstitutional, we are not going to seek further review of that.'"

Yes, yes, civil rights, eventually. Justice for all, eh, maybe at some point. Awesome smart bombs dropped by gay soldiers, sure when the time is right. That is, when the whole world is ready to embrace their inner queer, join hands, and skip to my loo around the Pentagon, led by Carl Paladino in a rainbow colored speedo, riding atop his favorite Stallion from the hot girl-on-horse-flick he's always emailing, surrounded by all his ol' Buffalo boys from the gay nightclub he owned, flanked on both sides by the two hot chicks from his other favorite girl-on-girl lesbo porn, and of course the beautifully decorated "Teabaggers For Queers" float bringing up the rear.

But until then, I'm sorry gays and lezzies, it's too bad for you! You'll have to pardon their reluctance to rudely force equality and justice on those (bigots, fearmongers, black presidents?) unwilling to do it themselves.

Why, you ask??

Well, because they're a little gay. But not gay in the fluent in Arabic, bravely fighting side-by-side with your fellow soldiers defending your nation's freedom while secretly hiding who you are kind of way. Gay in the too scared and cowardly to do what's honorable and just, but instead letting this irrational, hypocritical fear of all things hopey-changey (including their own shadow!) triumph over the moral, right and good.

Because justice delayed isn't justice denied, it's justice deferred.

And what's more dignified than that? Certainly not cool missiles patriotically exploded or machine guns fired by bilingual fags instead of bipolar felons, at least until the Pentagon and Defense Dept. finishes trying on all its different outfits to figure out which camouflaged color combo is most flattering when blown to bits in the remote parched desert wilderness of the Afghan mountains!

"The whole point of the ongoing Pentagon study is how to repeal 'don't ask, don't tell'- as if we don't know how to do it," Aaron Belkin said, director of the Palm Center, a military think tank in California. "But look what happened last week? The military suspended it last week with no training and guess what? Nothing happened."

"You don't need to teach the troops how to interact with gays anymore than you need to train them how to deal with Jews," Belkin said. "People know how to behave with one another."

Of course they do, silly! But we're talking about gays, not people!

Besides, at least with Jews, we know what to expect: a weak-kneed, sniveling coward who may not squeeze a trigger, but won't hesitate to squeeze a buck or two out of any hapless schmuck unlucky enough to cross their path.

They gays, on the other hand, could be anyone and anywhere! You just never know what you're gonna get with that "kind." Except, most likely a college degree, highly specialized skills, good hygiene, and if all goes well & the Obama administration has their way, a dishonorable discharge and immediate dismissal from duty.

As nicely and politely as possible.

Because in America, at least when we discriminate, we do it with a wink, smile, and slap on the ol' behind (but not in a gross gay way or anything!).

It's called class.

Breaking News: White House Appeals Don't Ask, Don't Tell Because Who Needs Hope & Change When You Can Have Fear & Injustice Instead?

ANSWER: NONE OF THE ABOVE!

Gay soldiers don't die, silly, they simply deny!

This just in: President Obama is too pussy to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell, a policy he thinks is morally reprehensible, constitutionally illegal, and a mockery of justice and equality, but is simply too in love with to be able to quit anyway.

Ummm, hooray??

So, rejoice gays! Even, your supposed biggest defender, the President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama, hates your repulsive, gross gay guts.

So much so that he won't even let you spill yours all over the battlefield because of it!

The Obama administration took legal action Thursday to stop a judge’s order striking down the Pentagon’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy prohibiting gays from openly serving in the military — a politically awkward move that effectively continues the Justice Department’s fight to preserve a policy that President Barack Obama has said he wants to dismantle

In its injunction request, the DOJ writes, "As the President has stated previously, the Administration does not support the DADT statute as a matter of policy and strongly supports its repeal. However, the Department of Justice has long followed the practice of defending federal statutes as long as reasonable arguments can be made in support of their constitutionality, even if the Administration disagrees with a particular statute as a policy matter, as it does here."

All the while, White House Press Secretary and discriminatory policy procrastinator extraordinaire Robert Gibbs continued to insist that "don't ask, don't tell" is "going to end" -- it's just a matter of how.

Ooooh, hopefully in the most painfully slow, ass backwards, infuriatingly illogical manner possible. Multiplied by infinity.

So far, so good?

Thanks To Republicans, America Isn't Just Safe From Gays, But Immigrant Children & Their Gross, Immigrant Ways

Rejoice America! Because yesterday, while Senate Republicans — some of the most sexually open, secure people in the entire world — were patriotically filibustering the very idea of debating the possibility of maybe repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell, giving terrible gays and lezzies the right to die for their country, the Grand Obstructionist Party were also working hard, killing that "other" awful Mexican-ish measure which would help Dora the Explorer and other no good, dirty, job-stealing brown people become actual American citizens, like true defenders of the Constitution!

It's true! The Democrats' so-called Dream Act, (or as Republicans call it, the un-American Nightmare Act) would allow "children of undocumented immigrants who've contributed to the country, by attending college or serving in the military, to get on a path to citizenship," which everyone knows is a horrible idea that makes us want to vomit in our mouths, and would do nothing more than turn the pure, homogeneously white U.S. of A into some unrecognizable, muddled red & green, salsa dancing Estados Unidos wasteland.

But thanks to the hard work and diligence of Senate Republicans, America is finally safe from the deviant gays and terrifying anchor babies/future 9/11 hijackers. In other words, precious li'l miracles of Allah and mini Mohamed Attas in diapers. Like Dora the Explorer Conquistadora Jihadist Warrior.

Yay! Republicans Heroically Vote To Keep Our Military Safe From Scary Ladies In Meat Dresses & Even Scarier Ga-Ga Gays!

OMG! Guess what little gay and lezzy monsters across America?? Your little "rights" struggles are over! Done, dunzo, finito, Ga-Ga-gonzo!

Oh, wait never mind, you're all still totally screwed, despite Lady Gaga donning a hotttt meat dress, and p-p-p-poking her face all around Maine, trying to convince the last two "moderate" (aka not completely insane) Senator ladies, Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, not to be ignorant homophobic wretches, on the wrong side of equality everything, like the rest of their Grand Obstructionist Party of dinosaurs and elderly Klansmen. But they politely declined!

Ooops, guess crazy really is all the rage these days!

Not even Gaga's sexy steak dress was enough to convince the Bangor Sisters, Susan and Olympia, that indeed gays and lesbians should have as much right to senselessly die in a remote parched desert mountainside as the rest of decent, heterosexual America.

"Equality is the prime rib of America, but because I am gay, I don't get to enjoy the greatest cut of meat my country has to offer," Lady Gaga said, referring to the MTV Video Music Awards dress she wore last week made out of cuts of steak.

"Shouldn't everyone deserve to wear the same meat dress I do?" she said.

Yes, totally! Err, make that everyone who is not a gross gay person! They can have the scraps, or maybe the random discarded bits 'n parts that go into a hotdog. The gays like those, right? I would say lesbians too, but everyone knows dykes despise (man)meat, and much prefer Garden Burgers or Tofu instead. They should probably just go ahead and stick to that Kermit the Frog frock. It is much more their style, being green & vegetarian and all.

Oh yeah, and since when is Lady Gaga g-g-g-g-gay?? We were totally waiting for her to invent a new form of sexuality (steakuality? Bad Romancuality?) instead of declaring herself just another boring, ho-hum homo!

Sorry gays, maybe next year never?

But at least the rest of good, heteroperfect America can sleep soundly knowing that our nation's servicemen will not be secretly servicing one another (or at least not asking or telling anyone about it), for a few more months at the earliest! Phew!!

Thanks to the inability of Democrats to get the 60 votes needed to break a Republican filibuster and keep debate alive on a defense authorization bill — including a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal and the DREAM Act, which would provide a path to citizenship for children of illegal immigrants via military service or higher education — the 17-year-old policy that legally bars gays and lesbians from being their fabulous selves while donning military fatigues and devoting their lives to protecting the very freedom they're denied, will continue indefinitely.

Woohoo! Who needs dumb equality anyway?? Certainly not this country! Not mighty, straight America: Land of the (sort of) free and home of the bravely discriminating against deviant queers for almost two decades. Hooray!

The Senate—leery of being steamrolled into a pre-election vote on abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" before the Pentagon completes its study on the impact of its repeal—decided Tuesday against lifting the 17-year-old law. Senators voted 56-43, failing to get the 60 votes needed to end a Republican filibuster and allow an actual vote on ending the ban.

Republican senators, including Sens. John McCain (AZ) and Susan Collins (ME), argued that passing repeal now would undermine the Defense Department’s review of the policy, which won’t be completed until December.

Repeal supporters believe it will be years before another plausible effort can be mounted to allow openly gay men and women serve in the U.S. military.

Two Democratic senators from Arkansas (where the F else??), Mark Pryor and Blanche Lincoln, voted with Republicans to block the bill, likely because Blanche Lincoln wants her children to remember that she stood firmly against equality just before being soundly defeated in her final, desperate bid for re-election, against whatever even more repulsive, backwards, gay bashing bag of Earl Grey hijacked the GOP nomination now.

Go Blanche! You're an inspiration to all who abandon their principles, still get unceremoniously tossed out by mobs of racist white people, and end up as a big, fat, unemployed loser with nothing but a suspiciously dyke-y haircut to comfort you!

And of course, special kudos to ancient fossil and everyone's favorite bigoted, senile grandfather John McCain, whose tireless efforts to ensure the military is free of terrible gays, and instead filled with convicted felons, repeat offenders, and hotheaded airmen who skillfully crash their planes deep in enemy territory, only to get captured alive and wallow in a Vietnamese prison as a fool-proof(?) plan to get some real political power. By losing various presidential bids, along with his mind, integrity, soul, and tons o' Cindy's money along the way, for freedom!

Yes, the same John McCain who wanted to put FREAKIN' SARAH PALIN in the White House, is concerned that a gay man in uniform could harm the country. But a special needs moose as vice president? Ha ha, no worries! CUNTry first, my friends!

Sure, Gramps McCain might have lost the presidency of the United States, but now Johnny can take solace in the fact that he is still officially President of Keeping America Safe From Gay Troops, though judging by this latest blow (no pun intended), Obama may soon be taking that job, too!

So surely they will vote to pass this when that Pentagon review comes out and says gays should be allowed to serve openly in the military. Right??? Surely! John McCain especially. Someone might need to jog his memory a bit to give the old man a little reminder he already won the Senate election, so no need to morph into whatever racist homophobic nutjob he thinks will help him win in Aryanzona, just like last time.

"One can only draw the conclusion that this is all about elections, not about the welfare, the well-being, the morale and the battle effectiveness of the men and women who are laying it on the line in Iraq and Afghanistan today," McCain said.

Laying it on the line, not taking it from behind, got it all you fags 'n dykes out there, dying and/or translating Arabic before getting dishonorably discharged for not having the decency to the Republican kind of gay: in denial, undercover, or secretly trolling for hot man tail in airport men's rooms only.

Meanwhile, the wonderful straights of this country can take solace in knowing they are still, temporarily, allowed to have sex with one another and serve openly in the military, now that their god-blessed heterosexual marriage is totally less threatened by keeping courageous homos out of Army barracks and back in supply closets & storage containers where they belong.

So remember America: Be all you can be, except who you really are: a disgusting, eternally damned big ball of homosinuality who listens to Lady Gaga, when not destroying the moral fabric of society.

Or better yet why not just require all the gross gays to enlist, ship the whole sick lot of 'em off to Iraq and Afghanistan, so America can once again be the strong, strapping, fiercely hetero nation it strives to be, where a person will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character their partner's genitalia.

Because, here in America, when putting your life on the line to serve your country, the only thing that really matters is that you shoot are straight!

Ga-Ga-got it?

Is the Teabagger's Favorite Tenth Amendment Turning The United Straights Of America Into The United States Of Gaymerica?

The Jesus Christ moral patrol on the right and assorted other Earthly messengers of God are always prattling on and on about how wicked gays are sashaying across America trying to gay marry and gay soldier, and basically spread their gross gayness on decent, upstanding straights from San Francisco to Soho.

This aggression cannot stand!

Before we know it, sacred altars will be flooded with deviant tuxedo-clad queers, Army bunkers will be overrun with camouflaged-clad homosexuals singing Streissand in the shower, and Civilization as we know it will come to a sinful, screeching halt. If you think Glenn Beck weeping Vick's VapoRub tears is insufferable, just wait 'til you're forced to watch Glennda Beck crying "its" baby blue eyes out on the teevee every night!

It's true! I mean just look at terrible Massachusetts where, with one stroke of his gay-lovin' gavel, some rainbow-tinged Commie judge, Joseph L. Tauro, ruled that the federal Defense of Marriage law prohibiting Adam and Steve from tying the knot (to eternal hellfire?) violates the Constitutional rights of married same-sex couples to equal protection of the law, and reverses the big, bad government’s long history of allowing states to set their own marriage laws.

Err, sort of.

Tauro's decision doesn't actually force Real Heterosexual American States to recognize the ungodly sodomarriages contracted in the five or so gay hell states (phew!), but what it does do is rule that the federal government cannot discriminate between legally contracted straight and gay marriages, because according to the Teabaggers favoritest Tenth Amendment, only state governments get to decide what a legitimate marriage is.

Meaning gays married in the states that condone their awful gay marriedness can go ahead and file joint tax returns, receive Social Security and Medicare benefits for their same-sex spouses, and do all those other horrible, culture-destroying perversions on the wicked gay agenda.

Wonder how the 'baggers like them Tenth Amendment apples now?

But don't get too excited with your "blessed" state-sanctioned marriage-y thing, gays! Because the decision will almost certainly be appealed, likely when some closet case hiding under one of those "sanctity of marriage" groups starts wailing about moral fabric and/or the imminent collapse of society courtesy of activist liberal judges doling out marriage certificates to couples with the wrong penis-vagina ratios. In which case, it will then go all the way to the Supreme Court, where it will be inevitably overturned in a decision written by Antonin Scalia or Clarence Thomas (if he could write), while Samuel Alito and Chief Justice Roberts giggle in the background, poking each other, and arguing over who is the bigger "faggot." (Let's just call it a tie?)

But even if our Supreme Leaders decide that both God and our founding fathers (wait, you mean they're not the same thing??) never intended for marriage to be anything but the miserable union and sacred (soon-to-broken) vow of faith & fidelity between one man, one woman, and one Elvis impersonator/accredited minister in Las Vegas, there's still the other pressing issue of what to do with those pesky guys just dying to defend their country and the very freedoms not extended to their wretched kind, in the remote deserts of Iraq, Afghanistan, or whatever oil rich A-rab country the U.S. of A is currently dropping freedom on via bullets and smart bombs.

So, while the whole world awaits the results of the Pentagon's Don't Ask, Don't Tell questionnaire to assure the entire military doesn't collapse all because Sergeant Smith prefers his sexytime with Corporal Johnson, the gays appear poised to spring from military closets and barrack floorboards to spread their gross gay germs all over the pristine, pure American Armed Forces.

But first they must ask some 400,000 troops obnoxious middle school questions like how they would react if they had to shower or share a tent with a weirdo gay person (if we can even call them that).

Just to make sure they don't melt from all the hot, steamy gayness going on, or go insane, or God forbid, maybe even go gay themselves (gasp!).

*Click for Larger

There are tons more questions about how serving with an icky gay might (definitely!) negatively impact the lives of good, decent, upstanding straight-as-an-arrow servicemen who are simply trying their very hardest to spread freedom while making sure that freedom doesn't extend to spreading their own two legs so their burly bunkmate Jim can have his merry way with them.

Which is ridiculous because there is more than enough cootie spray ready and available to go around, should Don't Ask Don't Tell be repealed, and every gay and lesbian solider immediately starts raping the nearest same-sex being in brown and green fatigues, as is likely the case with these sex-crazed deviants.

That is, if there were actual gay people already serving in the Armed Forces, which everyone knows is currently 100 percent homo-free, just like the good Lord intended when writing about that whole freedom to have a well-regulated militia thing back in 1776.

But on the bright side, if the Pentagon decides there is no room for well-dressed men who like Broadway musicals, bright fuchsia gingham button downs, and buff, broad-shouldered brutes, I hear George Rekers is always looking to hire a few good men who know a thing or two about handling large, heavy loads...of luggage.

No questions asked.

The Only Thing More "Schocking" Than Aaron's Outfit Is That He Claims To Be Straight!

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At Least Mark Kirk Still Wins The Coveted Award For Best Republican Impersonation Of A Moderate, Straight Man!

It's been several days, (weeks even!) since the last prominent, vehemently anti-gay Republican got outed as a secret, terrible homosexual. This is highly unusual!

So, naturally the time has come to unveil the latest member of the "is-he-or-isn't-he-a-secret-gay-hypocrite-club," Illinois Republican and military award exaggerator extraordinaire, the one, the only, Mark Steven Kirk. Hooray!

It's already been one tough week for poor, ol' Mark, who just the other day found himself in the less-than-admirable position of being forced to admit he never really won that super-exclusive, awesome Navy award he was always bragging about, basing his entire campaign on as concocted proof of his military prowess, etc., rather some no-name group award thingy no one's ever heard of or cares even remotely about. But good try, Mark, you were thisclose, thisclose, my friend!

Well now, Marky Mark once again finds himself in the umm, shall we say, compromising position of being the latest token Gay Old Party hypocrite who votes against the interests/rights of gay people, while secretly preferring his sexytime be with other, equally terrible, homosexual men.

Ooooh, this could be juicy!

Apparently, Mike Rogers, the Blogactive blogger famous for his work "outing" closeted, duplicitous politicians thinks Captain Kirk over here has taken one hypocritical step too many, in the wrong direction, and it's time to set the record straight (even if our friend Mark isn't).

Of course, this isn't the first time the dapper Illinois bachelor's sexual orientation has come under public scrutiny. Rumors about the supposed extra spring in his step have circulated since the Republican primary when Mark found himself the unfortunate target of his teabagger opponent's apparent knack for sniffin' out secret gays, as only a homophobic right-wing nut job can.

But it wasn't until Kirk's recent treachery against his fellow(?) rainbow brethren, voting against repealing the military's wonderful, discriminatory Don't Ask Don't Tell policy denying the pesky gays the coveted right to die defending the very country whose freedom they themselves don't enjoy. Yay!

So gay superhero, blogger Mike Rogers, decided to do some investigative digging of his own into the (possibly) pink-tinged preferences of Illinois Republicans' Great White Hope to snag Barack Obama's old senate seat and take back America from evil, no-good, half-black DEMONcratic presidents who may or may not be Hitler or Satan. Maybe even both!

Hmmm, good luck with that! As if an upstanding, moral Republican paradigm of beautiful heterosexuality would ever put himself in as compromising a position as being an actual gay (gasp!) trying to win an election by pretending to be anything but.

C'mon, that would be standard shocking!

Rogers writes:

Within hours of the DADT repeal vote I was contacted by two people who knew Kirk from his college days. "In law school in DC everyone knew Mark was gay," the first source told me. I explained that the information was intriguing, it would not be enough to go on. He continued, "But I had sex with him a number of times."

Well, now we're onto something I thought. "Could someone verify for me that you knew Kirk and went to school with him?" I asked. "Yes" was the swift reply. "Could you recall personal details about Kirk that others may not know?" "Yes," he said.

And he did.

The next source claimed to have gone to undergraduate school with Kirk. I asked for proof that he and Kirk were in school together and once that was shared with me, I met with the source. The source introduced me to a man whom had also been friends with Kirk in college. They both shared with me their interactions with Kirk, including one sexual in nature. The source who claimed to have sex with Kirk described personal details about the House, um, er, "member." The description was the same as the first source.

And in DC, Kirk wasn't all THAT closeted. You see Mark Kirk told me he was gay...It was early 2004 when I was at a social gathering on Capitol Hill. I'm guessing there were 35-40 people present, including the guy who brought me as his guest.

While the party was no means a "gay" party, I'd guess that of the men at least 75% were overtly gay. The others present were either straight men or their women friends.

It was at that party that I met Mark Kirk. I was introduced to him by the person I came with and at the time did not realize he was a member of the House. As my friend walked away, Kirk asked me if the man who introduced us was "single or attached." When I said that he had a partner Kirk replied disappointingly, "oh, well."

At the end of that interaction I walked away and didn't think much of it at the time.

The time of course being before Mark Kirk decided to sell his fabulous, Streisand-lovin' soul to the Grand Oppressive Party of dinosaur fossils and ancient artifacts en route to bringing (hetero)sexy back to the Republican party in Illinois by painting its senate race a nice, rosy right-wing red, instead of traditional, boring "Barry" blue.

"Now, for the first time in his congressional career, Mark Kirk really had the chance to stand up and do what is right with the power of a vote," Rogers writes. "When I heard that five GOPers voted to lift the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban I instinctively though Kirk would be one of them."

Whoops!

But don't feel too bad. When I heard Mark Kirk brag about the super-exclusive, highly impressive U.S. Navy's Intelligence Officer of the Year award all these years, I also assumed that was true.

Silly me!

Wonder what his arugula-eating Democratic rival Alexi Giannoulias thinks of Kirk's mysterious sexual orientation?

"Here's someone who has said he is against the repeal of DADT, is against the repeal of DOMA, and he doesn't believe in same-sex marriage and I just believe that flies in the face of what our important issues are...it doesn't make sense to me."

Well, Mr. Giannoulias, maybe that's because you're not a desperate, closeted queerball trying to win the nomination in a party of 100% moral, Jesus-approved, God-lovin', heterosexual purity.

Next time, perhaps you'd be well-advised to do a little more of what your rival Mark Kirk's so skilled at doing: playing make believe.

Like say, a "military hero" who's as honest and open about his sexuality (straight-as-an-arrow!) as he is his esteemed "service" awards.

No, not the Navy's "Intelligence Officer of the Year" award, silly! The "Tickle-Me Eric Massa Salty Sailor" award for outstanding Seamen Service.