Congratulations, America! The moment we've all been waiting for—and Republicans have been warning us about—is finally here, and it's most definitely queer.
At the stroke of midnight on Tuesday, the terrible, nearly two decades old discriminatory policy banning gays and lezzies from being all they can be as loud 'n proud members of the U.S. military is officially as dead as poor people would be if the GOP had anything to say about it.
It's true! So now that Don't Ask Don't Tell is just another one of America's most cherished, nostalgic Clinton-era memories (right up there with Monica Lewinsky's semen-stained blue dress, and all the wild 'n crazy things you can do with a cigar), what does this mean for the rest of us?
Where's the hellfire, the brimstone, the unraveling of America's moral fabric, the total collapse of civilized society, and the vengeful fury of God's wrath that every Republican knows comes from no longer regulating whether our nation's servicemen and women are servicing each other with the proper penis-vagina ratios?
Even the usually reliable ol' gay panic standby Fox News is uncharacteristically silent on the issue, with nary a peep about how letting gross gay and lesbians openly serve will quickly and irreversibly transform America's once-lean, mean, hetero fighting Marine Corps machine into one big camouflaged Chorus Line, except with less ensemble dance numbers and more anal gang rapes in the shower.
So while Michele and Marcus Bachmann, Lindsay Graham, and the rest of the Grand Old Closet Cases anxiously wait for Armaggedon to come in the form of fatigue-wearing Eltons and Ellens, the rest of America can feel Ga-Ga Great knowing their country's military policy towards gay people is officially no longer on par with North Korea, Uganda, Syria, and Iran, but instead as wonderfully enlightened as Albania, Estonia, and Malta's.
From the AP:
Gay advocacy groups planned a series of celebrations across the country.OMG, what a crazy, novel idea!!
At a San Diego bar, current and former troops danced and counted down to midnight. “You are all heroes,” Sean Sala, a former Navy operations specialist, said. “The days of your faces being blacked out on the news — no more.”
The head of Pentagon personnel, Clifford Stanley, put out a memo to the work force at 12:01 a.m. EDT. “All service members are to treat one another with dignity and respect regardless of sexual orientation.”
THE GAYS WIN! Hooray! Doesn't the liberal destruction and moral decay of our nation just feel faaaaaabulous!?