Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Et Tu, Blue Dogs?

Everyone knows there's more than one way to eat a Reese's, but turns out there's also more than one option when it comes to a public option. For health care, of course!

So while our dear friends in the Senate Finance Committee have (shockingly?) voted down not one, but two amendments adding
a government-run health insurance plan to the reform legislation, there is still a chance the public option might live to see another day when the full Senate takes a look-see instead of just the grumpy, tight-wads running the Finance Committee.

Never mind the Republicans rationale for killing both very different but equally evil public options, since they denounce all proposals that don't boost their bottom lines, re-election chances, or the likelihood of a certain black U.S. president getting the ol' one-term heave ho out of the let's keep-it-that-way White House.

While Republicans naturally hate anything that helps anyone ever, most Democrats (who aren't from Montana or one of the Dakotas) support the public measure, and are locked in heated debate over the best ways to craft it.

But even the eager-beaver efforts of Democratic Senators Jay Rockefeller and Chuck Schumer to find budget-conscious solutions without hurting the precious insurance industry (patients eh, less so) by offering an affordable, fair, and viable public alternative for health care wasn't enough to convince some of a complete government takeover. Perhaps the worst to happen since the U.S Postal Service mercilessly crushed competitors Federal Express, UPS, Airborne Express, DHL, and other struggling corporate behemoths??

Good thing Senate Finance Committee chairman Montana 'Blue Dog' Democrat Max Baucus' sound reasoning for voting against both amendments: that a public option wouldn't pass the Senate--only makes sense if the Dems keep acting like a bunch of GOP-whipped pussies scared of straight-up filibusterin' their asses into submission. Just your typical twisted Democratic need to put manners ahead of progress. Call it winner's guilt. Sure, they might not get anything done about a health care system that leaves millions uninsured and bankrupts the economy, but at least no one can say they weren't polite.

Manners people!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Why Does Facebook Want To Kill Obama?

OMG, what in sweet heavens has happened to our favoritest Facebook?

The once friendly and innocent social networking site has suddenly morphed into a dark and creepy free-for-all--and this time, it has nothing to do with Sarah Palin.

Secret Service agents are scouring the Internets looking for the culprit(s?) responsible for a user-generated poll on Facebook which poses the question, "Should Obama be killed?" The poll features four answers: Yes, No, Maybe, and "Yes if he cuts my health care."

Once alerted to its existence, Facebook officials quickly removed the offending poll as well as the application that enabled its creation, and notified Secret Service who vowed, "We take these things seriously."

But the really terrible news: sadly "because the application was disabled, the responses to the nonscientific polls are not available."

Oh no-zees! Does that mean we're gonna have to wait for another one of the thousands of maniac racists with basic typing skills, a rudimentary understanding of English, and access to the Internets to get solid, "scientific" poll results like these??

Ugh, that'll take like forever!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Why Is Michelle Obama Keeping Silvio At (Sun-Kissed) Arm's Length?

When he isn't humping meter maids and charming the pants off half the underage women in Italy, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi can't stop talking about his new, sun-kissed American friends, Barack and Michelle Obama.

"I bring you greetings from a person who is called...a person who is sun-tanned...Barack Obama," the smiling 72-year-old Italian Prime Minister told a crowd of cheering supporters in Milan on Sunday.

"You wouldn't believe it, but they go sunbathing at the beach together - his wife is also sun-tanned."

Since it is customary for world leaders to pay each other compliments on their skin tones, Berlusconi, whose year-round orange glow is as famous as his libido, obviously meant nothing offensive by his remarks, saying anyone who found it racist had no sense of humor and was an "imbecile."

At the weekend rally in Milan, Mr. Berlusconi told supporters of his People of Freedom party that his government had scored a number of successes since being elected last year, but one big win still eludes him: getting a hug and kiss and not just a lousy handshake from the sexy, tan American first lady with the strong arms Michelle Obama, like she gave to all the other world leaders.

Despite giving her the famous Silvio Berlusconi once-over, including a charming top-to-bottom eye-screw and throwing his hands up in apparent (creepy old man) delight, all he got from Michelle was a polite handshake delivered with all the excitement of reaching into a discarded box of AIDS-infected needles.

But despite Michelle Obama playing hard-to-get, Silvio said his rapport with America's first black president was "easy-going" and vowed to continue working with the G20 to "tackle the effects of the global economic crisis."

"And we have introduced a new element into Italian politics: morality," added Berlusconi, whose own life of purity has been tabloid fodder ever since his estranged wife accusing him of chasing actresses and showgirls young enough to be his granddaughters and hosting wild orgies with high-class prostitutes at his private mansion in Rome.

Nonsense. What's so wrong with bringing sexy back?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Birthermercial: The Worst Thing To Happen To Birthers Since Orly Taitz!

Just when you thought the whackjobs and weirdos behind the Obama birther movement couldn't stoop any lower than trusting a Russian-born California real-estate agent-attorney-dentist to lead the feverish charge against the illegitimate presidency of Kenya's own Barack Hussein Obama, out comes a new birther infomercial. The world's first-ever birthermercial!

Yes, my friends, for the bargain basement price of $30 you too can get your very own "got a birth certificate?" bumper sticker and have your name added to a spam fax sent to the Justice Department and the 50 state Attorneys General demanding that that Mr. NObama produce his real birth certificate and not the "certificate of live birth" bologna they keep shoving down our throats. I mean enough is enough people!

But that's not all. Act now and you too can get a "special look at where Barack Hussein Obama was really born" courtesy of the community-access production values, heavy use of menacing string music and, as always, the sketchy used car salesmen-like stars you'd expect from a birthermercial.

Men like attorney and executive director of the birther group United States Justice Foundation, Gary Kreep, who ironically is nothing like his thick wire-rimmed glasses, squirly mustache, greasy hair, cheap unmatching suit, and LAST NAME would suggest. Nothing at all. Promise!

Same goes for producer and host of the program, fundamentalist Christian minister Bill Keller, who found God shortly after finding himself imprisoned on an insider trading conviction in the late 1980s.

In between interviews with Kreep and tempting viewers with their specially-created 'got a birth certificate?' bumper stickers, Keller kindly reminds those watching to add their name to "a petition going to GOP leaders to force President Obama to obey the law."

"Thank you for watching this very special presentation. This is a legitimate issue. Don't let people tell you otherwise. If the man was not born in Hawaii as he claims, he is not legally president."

Sort of like if the man found Jesus while in San Quentin, he is not legally qualified to be trusted on anything except producing some of the most God-awful, embarrassing blight of paid programming the world has ever seen. Snuggie included.

Friday, September 25, 2009

In Obama's Happy UN Family, Black Sheep Come In Orange

Mission Accomplished!

Well, at least Barry is boss somewhere. Not only can he speak without being interrupted by some blathering congressman gone wild, but here at the United Nations, when it comes to pushing his agenda through, member nations actually help implement his proposals by unanimously voting to adopt his resolutions, not toss them in a bonfire and dance around the flames chanting death to socialism.

Obama, who became the first (black, white or any color) U.S. president to chair the U.N. Security Council on Thursday also became the first to actually accomplish something on Friday when the group overwhelmingly voted in favor of Obama's resolution tightening controls on weapons states, ending loopholes exploited by countries like Iran, and curbing the risk of a new nuclear arms race.

“The historic resolution we just adopted enshrines our shared commitment to a goal of a world without nuclear weapons,” Obama said. “And it brings Security Council agreement on a broad framework for action to reduce nuclear dangers as we work toward that goal.”

But Barry's new world order isn't just about non-toxic sunshine and nuclear-free rainbows. It's about making sensible changes to adapt to the 21st century.

"There is no doubt that we have to update and refresh and renew the international institutions that were set up in a different time and place" Obama said.

Thanks to his decision after the G-8 Summit in July that it was "wrongheaded to wrestle with huge global challenges without input from countries like China, India, and the entire Southern Hemisphere," the G-20 will now also take over the G-8's role as the "permanent council for international economic cooperation--a better "reflection of the world economy today and the players that make it up."

Despite President Obama's initial success in using the UN to actually help combat some of the world's most pressing problems, instead of simply as America's bully pulpit, not everyone was satisfied.

Like insane, tangerine sheet-wearing Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi whose allotted 15 minute first speech to the General Assembly somehow devolved into 60-plus incoherent minutes of free-flow consciousness about how the UN is a terrorist, war-mongering monster and should pay trillions in reparations for colonizing Africa and ruining everything for everyone, especially perfect, terror-sponsoring leaders like him.

Guess every legislative body has at least one Joe Wilson, muumuu-clad or otherwise.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Sarah Brings Main Street To The Mainland, Err Close Enough

And how did our lovely Alaskan doll do on her first ever trip to the magical land of Asia??
Did she dazzle the world’s leading investors who came from near and far to hear what infinite pearls of wisdom the foremost political and business minds on earth--minds like Sarah Barracuda Palin--had to say at this year's CLSA Asia Pacific Markets Forum?

Before we say anything, let's start with a big congratulations. We're just excited
Sarah actually made it to Hong Kong without pulling the usual Sarah Palin-Meg Stapleton stunt of canceling last-minute and pretending to have never been invited in the first place. So kudos, Sarah, for passing the physical presence test with flying colors. That's the good news!

The bad news is also that she actually showed up. So, was the $170,000 to $220,000 Alaskan princess' speaking fee worth the price of one of her pre-RNC convention Wasilla-to-Minneapolis transformation shopping spree?

Hell yeah, if you like your speeches "
long, humorless, George W. Bush-like and sounding unmistakably like a pitch for 2012."

Described by some as “safe” and by others as “uncomfortable," several audience members reportedly walked out of Ms Palin’s speech 30 minutes before the end, citing “more important things to do” or describing the talk as “too partisan and too much like a speech at the Republican convention.” Hey, their loss, right?

But those who stayed for all 80 painful minutes of the super-secret Sarah speech got to hear such coherent thoughts as USA! USA! USA! China, be good. China, cool it. Easy there, China. China's awesome and gave us chopsticks, but should share the Asia better. Barack Obama BAD. America and China GOOD! And she didn't even mention Facebook once! Maybe that's why people were so upset??

Or was it the lack of opportunity to fire any questions at Ms. Palin during her very publicly hush-hush, off-limits to the media, yet carefully-crafted for a global television audience speech?

“You would think that with her team of speechwriters and a supposedly media-free environment Palin could have afforded to be either funny or thought-provoking, but she was neither,” one senior fund manager said.

“This was about an obviously ambitious wannabe presidential candidate laying down a marker on her weak spot of foreign policy,” another added. “I think we are going to hear something very similar to this speech trotted-out again in different places over the next months and years.”

Yeah!! But only if she promises to keep "calling it like she sees it and sharing with us candidly her view right from Main Street, Main Street USA!" And saying things like "Common sense tells you that when you're in a hole, you have to stop digging."

But answer me this, Sarah. If everyone did that, how would anyone ever get to China?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Many, Confused Faces Of Hip-Hop RNC Chairman Michael "Balls Of" Steele

Another day, another opportunity for RNC Chairman Michael Steele to embarrass himself with a
mind-blowingly asinine statement about how Obama is racist and Democrats are stealing all the brothas and sistas with their policies.

Taking his off-the-hook hip-hop tour all the way down to the dirty dirty of Little Rock, Arkansas, Michael Steele spoke at
the historically black college, Philander Smith, where he faulted both Democrats and Republicans (less, but still) for failing to address poverty.

Although the "new" down-with-the-youth face of the Republican Party offered no solutions on how to best solve the terrible blight of being too broke-ass to even afford health care, let's say, he did place the blame on both parties for not talking about the issues enough.

"We've all screwed it up because we focused on the wrong things," Steele said. "At some point, we've got to focus on the right things and those right things start with the people who are concerned about what their tomorrow is going to look like."

Oops, must've been too busy teabagging at the Capitol, shouting obscenities and storming into town-halls in Nazi garb waving AK-47s or something.

While Steele did acknowledge his party kind of f-ed up on the whole "win black votes" thing, he also noted that Martin Luther King Jr. would be disappointed with President Obama, despite being elected the first black president and representing the culmination of his entire life's work.

"Dr. King would be disappointed in the political leadership of this country for failing to address the least of us," Steele said.

How right you are sir! He would be much prouder of the efforts of former slave-owning Republicans and their dedicated throng of patriotic Confederate-flag waving supporters who refuse to watch their glorious nation be taken over by an illegal Kenyan whose crazy, socialist vision for America includes things like equality, justice, and ending the vicious cycle of keeping the poor and disenfranchised, well poor and disenfranchised.

But one wayward student had the audacity, no make that the balls, to question the Steele man's airtight logic in reaching these conclusions, asking the RNC chairman, "In all seriousness, I'm curious what you think that Dr. King would think about your party's current attempts to block universal health care?"

"It's a great myth that we're doing all this blocking. I wish we had that kind of control with the numbers, but we don't," Steele explained. "As I've said to the president many times, 'If that's the bill you want, vote it up or down.'"

To be honest, he doesn't really care either way. His coverage is just fine as it is, thank you very much.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Is The 5th Time A Charm For Joe Lieberman's Climate Bill To Destroy Earth?

America's least popular Democrat-turned-Independent-turned pariah Sen. Joe Lieberman has managed to do the one thing he does best: piss everyone off!

So it is with this dual gift of petulance and spite that Joe "Wah Wah" Lieberman forges ahead in his quest to revive the already five-time-defeated House climate change bill in the less conservative Senate by increasing funding for coal and nuclear power plants, a move certain to appeal to those who believe "climate change" is really just a code-word for raping Mother Earth for all she's worth. Ca-chiiing!

People like go-it-alone Joe and his patriotic crew of Republican "friends" and legislators who quite frankly won't be voting for any climate change anything, but get a kick out of watching ol' Joe scramble around angering Democrats and other liberal lame-o's who want a climate change bill because of its alleged ability to actually change the climate, as in the opposite of polluting the hell out of it.

While Joe's special climate change bill does include plenty of sweet perks to coal companies and the nuclear power industry (which also makes Republicans HOT!), its chances of passing in Congress appear bleak, since it is despised by most Dems and everyone else who would like to see the planet survive beyond their senate term.

“I don’t think we’re going to [pass a bill] without bipartisan support,” Lieberman whined. “And without a nuclear title that’s stronger than in the House climate change legislation, we’re not going to be able to get enough votes to pass climate change.”

Or at least not the kind that suffocates any and all oxygen-breathing organisms in its reach with a noxious blend of fossil fuels, greenhouse gas, a dash of Republican insincerity and greed, and a nice, hearty dose of the one-of-a-kind stupidity that is Mr. "Independent" Joe Lieberman.

Sen. Coburn's Chief Of Staff: Playboy Will Make You A Gay!

Whoever said the Republicans were out of ideas, obviously never met Sen. Tom Coburn's delightful chief-of-staff Michael Schwartz whose bold, groundbreaking solutions for curing homosinuality sent shock waves through this weekend's Values Voters Summit.

Of course everyone knows the evils of homosexuality, but what you probably don't know is that pornography is directly linked to contracting the queer bug because ALL porno is GAY porno. It is!

“Pornography is a blight,” Schwartz told the audience. “It is a disaster. It is one of those silent diseases in our society that we haven’t been able to overcome very well. Now, I may be getting politically incorrect here. And it’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age…”

Ummm, please tell me he's not about to go all Pee-Wee Herman on us now?

“But it is my observation that boys of that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it.”

Schwartz told the crowd about Jim Johnson, a friend of his who turned an old hotel into a hospice for gay men dying of AIDS. “One of the things he said to me,” said Schwartz, “that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark… he said ‘All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

There were murmurs and gasps from the crowd. “Now, think about that,” said Schwartz. “And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants! You know, that’s a good comment, it’s a good point, and it’s a good thing to teach young people.”

Ya hear that Johnny??? All those nudy mags under your mattress? Take one look, one look my young friend and it's leather pants, feather boas, and nothing but Barbara Streisand and Broadway shows for you. Got it flamer?

So eat well, exercise, be kind to others, and for the love of God, whatever you do, always remember the golden rule, son: tits and ass=faggot!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

President Obama Offers To Guide Gov. David Paterson Out The Door

Ummm, this is gonna be awkward. No one likes being the bearer of bad news--especially when it involves telling a black, legally-blind Democratic friend to kindly withdraw from New York's governor's race on the basis of being less popular than swine flu and Eliot Spitzer combined. Quite a feat!

It is highly unusual for a sitting president to request a member of his own party (and own race!) step aside, but then again it is also highly unusual to replace one prostitute-scandalized governor with another even less competent version of the first, complete with some hot sexual indiscretions of his own. Drug confessions too!

"Is there concern about the situation in New York? Absolutely," an Obama official told the New York Times. "Has that concern been conveyed to the governor? Yes."

Does said governor give a sh*t what a racist like President Obama wants? Ha ha, not even a little bit.

"The message the White House wanted to send — that it wants Paterson to step aside — was delivered," said one Democratic operative. "He is resistant."

"I've said time and time again I am going to run for governor next year," Paterson explained. "My plans have not changed."

Apparently Gov. David Paterson's blindness is not limited to vision alone, but even worse, also to the fact that for the Democrats, he's pretty much equivalent to political cancer.

And last I checked (unlike a certain commander-in-chief), cancer doesn't care what color your skin is. It's more of an-equal opportunity poison. Very PC.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Beginner's Luck? Huck No! Mike's Taking This Win All The Way To The White House

Wooohooo! Conservative Christian cuddlebug Mike Huckabee once again showed his uncanny ability to win meaningless straw polls by picking up his first insignificant victory of the season at this year's Family Research Council Values Voter Summit. Huck, Huck Hooray!

The newly svelte but still God-fearing former Gov. of Arkansas racked up nearly 29 percent of the vote in the 2012 presidential straw poll to cruise to an easy victory in a crowded field of fellow Republican zealots and patriots eying the White House.

Huckabee beat out the usual mix of heavy-hitters and up-and-comers like former Massachusetts Gov. and current Mormon Mitt "Mittens" Romney, Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, sultry former Alaska Gov. Sarah "Barracuda" Palin, and Indiana Rep. Mike Pence, with all four losers each receiving about 12% of the vote.

Of the top five finishers, all but the Barracuda herself addressed the conference, who we can only assume was way too busy tending to important matters like canceling speaking engagements at the last-minute and posting nonsensical rants on her Favoritest Facebook. Perhaps Miss Thang can squeeze 'em in next year if she's not on a hunting expedition or hitting the book tour circuit or doing whatever it is that unemployed superstar Alaskan imports do.

In announcing the poll results no one cares about anyway, Family Research Council President Tony Perkins praised winner Mike Huckabee for having his "finger on the pulse" of conservative voters and a "gift for connecting with the GOP’s cultural base," but said organizers were still kind of hoping for someone who was actually a viable presidential candidate to win.

"We want a fully-rounded conservative candidate," he said. "Right now, the door's wide open." Ouch.

But being the good-natured, jolly (former) fat man that he is, Huckabee took his win in stride, accepting his victory like a true former Baptist minister and fringe candidate of the far right: by citing scripture and urging the party to resist any pressure to abandon social issues.

"There are so many people who have told us as conservatives that we should move to the center, on the sanctity of marriage or the sanctity of life,” Huckabee said, adding: “I'm not sure the center makes a whole lot of sense when it's coming from people who certainly don't have our interest, or our country's interest, at heart."

You tell 'em Hucky! Don't cave, bend, sway, shift, or compromise for anyone, especially the Godless Socialist Dems currently tasked with getting America out of the sh*thole a certain compassionate conservative stud named W put it in.

Those hedonists, homosexuals, abortionists and assorted other deviants over in Washington don't have the country's best interest at heart, unlike you decent, church-going folk who love America so much you pray every night for it to fail and go down the tubes along with that charismatic, young Kenyan man Barry. Who just may or may not be the devil himself.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Fox News' Fave Man-Child Glenn Beck Hits The Big TIME!

Oooooh, golden-haired angel of truth Glenn Beck has landed on the cover of TIME magazine!! Do you understand what this means people? It means the true patriots of America have won! But even more importantly, it means everything the man's ever said is totally brilliant and 100 percent true.

Sure, the feature story is titled "Mad Men: Is Glenn Beck Bad For America?" and questions whether having a pudgy, unstable man who sports a buzz cut and weeps on prime-time television as the spokesman of the conservative movement is the best move. But what really matters here is that Glenn Beck is gracing newsstands and coffee tables around the nation. Yay!

"As melodrama, it's thumping good stuff," author David Von Drehle writes. "But as politics, it's sort of a train wreck - at once powerful, spellbinding and uncontrolled."

Von Drehle adds:

Extreme talk, especially as practiced by a genuine talent like Beck, squeezes maximum profit from a relatively small, deeply invested audience...The more the host is criticized, the more committed the original audience becomes. And the more committed the audience, the bigger target it presents to the rant industry on the other side of the spectrum... How can we trust each other, though, when the integrated economy of ranters and their delighted-to-be-outraged critics are such a model of profitability? A microphone, a camera and a polarizing host is all it takes to get the money moving.
Who needs trust when you've got a 45-year-old jokester and recovering alcoholic Mormon convert with ADHD named Glenn Beck to show you the way?

And the man is on a roll. Over the last month, the tireless efforts of this blue-eyed Messiah helped bring down one of the president's evil green jobs czars, motivated thousands of conservatives to turn peaceful town hall debates into Nazi rallies and helped make the September 12 march on Washington a shining Teabagger success and prime example of everything that's demented about this country.

Which is why it is so great for society that a citizen as genuine and wise as Glenn Beck be rewarded for his patriotic efforts calling the President a racist and getting people to scream like madmen by having his adorable mug grace the cover of one of America's most prominent news magazines.

Talk about milestones! Now, not only is it possible for a black man to be elected President of the US of A, it is also possible for a middle-aged man with the intelligence of a retarded monkey to stick out his tongue on the cover of TIME and still be taken seriously by an entire political movement.

I guess America really is the land of opportunity!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Beam Me Up, Barry!

Well, well if it isn't our Trekkie President testing out his light-sabering skills
during a photo op on the White House lawn to promote Chicago's bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games.

We can only assume Barry is breaking out his Jedi skills to really impress the International Olympic committee and help snag the games for his hometown, or he's found new meaning for the phrase "talk softly and carry a big stick."

Either way, Obama is one Nerd President who appears ready to take on any obstacles in his path, including rival
host cities Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro, and Madrid, former Dick Vice-Presidents who are really Darth Vader, and any loudmouth political rival who dares interrupt The Force that is universal health care. Joe Wilson, beware...

The Empire is striking back!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Super Sleuth Jimmy Carter Suspects Some People (Joe Wilson?) Hate Obama Just For Being Black!

Former President and soft-spoken peanut farmer Jimmy Carter is the lucky winner of this week's state-the-obvious contest for his brilliant analysis of the motives behind South Carolina Rep. Joe "You lie" Wilson's outburst last week during President Obama's health care speech to Congress.

The Democratic statesman and peace-loving former world leader believes the actions of a certain disgraced, loudmouth member of Congress isn't about health care at all, but rather part of a larger, disturbing trend directed at the president that has included such notable demonstrations as rage-filled secessionists trying to get the hell out of this now God-forsaken Socialist Union, shrieking protesters comparing Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler and assorted other Nazi leaders, and angry mobs of Confederate flag-waving, middle-aged white men accusing the President of trying to murder grandma just for shits and giggles (and maybe a little for health care too).

“Those kind of things are not just casual outcomes of a sincere debate on whether we should have a national program on health care,” Carter said during a town-hall meeting at his presidential center in Atlanta. “It’s deeper than that.”

You mean all the brouhaha isn't just to protect grandma from that scary, dark Kenyan man?

“I think it’s based on racism,” he said. “There is an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be president.”

What?? Where on earth did you get a crazy idea like that? I mean, what could have possibly given you that impression?

"I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man, that he's African-American," Carter said. "I live in the South, and I've seen the South come a long way, and I've seen the rest of the country that shares the South's attitude toward minority groups at that time, particularly African-Americans."

"That racism inclination still exists, and I think it's bubbled up to the surface because of belief among many white people--not just in the South but around the country--that African Americans are not qualified to lead this great country. It's an abominable circumstance, and it grieves me and concerns me very deeply," Carter said.

"The president is not only the head of government, he is the head of state. And no matter who he is or how much we disagree with his policies, the president should be treated with respect."

As long as he is white (without having a scary Joker face painted on him first), that is.

But one hip-hop loving, Republican freedom-fighter with balls of Steele, and the misfortune of sharing the same chocolatey hue as Obama, knows the truth.

"President Carter is flat-out wrong," RNC chairman Michael Steele explained. "This isn't about race. It is about policy."

"Injecting race into the debate over critical issues facing American families doesn't create jobs, reform our health care system or reduce the growing deficit. It only divides Americans rather than uniting us to find solutions to challenges facing our nation," he said.

You're so right, Michael! Why didn't we think of that? It's so obvious! Talking about race divides us, acting like a bunch of nutball racists unites us. Yay! All our problems are solved. Michael Steele for President!!

But first, he's got to do something about that "tan" or whatever.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

No-Name Bush Speechwriter's "Tell-All" Magnum Opus Will Save Journalism!

Some speechwriter for George W. Bush you've never heard of named Matt Latimer who had the joy, no make that the privilege, to serve El Presidente numero 43 during the tail-end of his 8-year-term screwing America from behind, is giving the nation a much anticipated behind-the-scenes glimpse into the total disintegration of the Bush White House in its final days as it dealt with the 2008 presidential race, the Wall Street collapse, and a host of other problems it had not the faintest clue how to solve.

Of course, this mid-level White House wordsmith is clearly the only one to know anything about the inner-workings of the Bush White House (more even than the man himself), since he worked in the White House turning nonsensical ideas into coherent sentences and witty sound-bytes for Fox News to run on repeat during the President's final twenty-two months. That's almost two years!

Which was more than enough time for Matt Latimer to realize his dreams of going to Washington to usher in the next Reagan Revolution wasn't going to happen with a president who'd rather put whoopee cushions on chairs in the West Wing than have a serious discussion about the economic meltdown consuming the nation.
In 2007 I finally made it to the Bush White House as a presidential speechwriter. But it was not at all what I envisioned. It was less like Aaron Sorkin’s The West Wing and more like The Office. After watching Karl Rove’s bizarre farewell to White House staffers and hearing the president dismiss the conservative movement I believed in (“I know it sounds arrogant to say,” he told me, “but I redefined the Republican Party”), I thought I could muddle through till the end. Washington might not have been the city I had dreamed of, but I figured things couldn’t get much worse.
Spoiler alert: He's wrong. They do! But before all hell breaks loose, this VIP White House insider got just enough juicy tidbits to ensure his post-Dubya days wouldn't be spent toiling away in shameful obscurity but as a full-fledged celebrity. We're talking Levi Johnston level star here!

Exciting, little-known morsels of fun like how even as he was shoring up his case to win the worst president ever award, George W. Bush still found time for the important stuff like making everyone laugh with his unique blend of wit and charm, despite capitalism as we know it crashing down around him.

To look like we were doing more, we announced various initiatives, such as assembling an alliance to encourage lenders to renegotiate loans. For a while, the communications guys—Ed Gillespie and Kevin Sullivan—wanted the president to give a toll-free number for Americans to call for assistance with their mortgages. I thought that was embarrassing, as if George W. Bush were Jerry Lewis.

Yeah, cause that's what's embarrassing about his presidency.

Wanna know something else? Much like our soon-to-be-famous new friend and journalist extraordinaire Matt Latimer, Dubya didn't much care for any of the available presidential options to replace him in 2008 since none had the special God-given gift of being born a Bush.
The president, like me, didn’t seem to be in love with any of the available options. He always believed Hillary Clinton would be the Democratic nominee. “Wait till her fat keister is sitting at this desk,” he once said (except he didn’t say “keister”). He didn’t think much of Barack Obama. After one of Obama’s blistering speeches against the administration, the president had a very human reaction: He was ticked off. He came in one day to rehearse a speech, fuming. “This is a dangerous world,” he said for no apparent reason, “and this cat isn’t remotely qualified to handle it. This guy has no clue, I promise you.” He wound himself up even more. “You think I wasn’t qualified?” he said to no one in particular. “I was qualified.”
Wait, did Dubya just call Obama "this cat?"
The president didn’t think much of Joe Biden either. “Dana, did you tell them my line?” the president once asked with a smile on his face. “No, Mr. President,” Dana Perino replied hesitantly. “I didn’t.” He paused for a minute. I could see him thinking maybe he shouldn’t say it, but he couldn’t resist. “If bullshit was currency,” he said straight-faced, “Joe Biden would be a billionaire.”
HAHAHAHAHA. OMG, it just doesn't get much better than that. For reals! Bush also considered Sarah Palin to be one of the biggest idiots he'd ever met, not counting all those A-holes in Congress he always had to go in front of and say big words to. “This woman is being put into a position she is not even remotely prepared for,” he said. “She hasn’t spent one day on the national level. Neither has her family. Let’s wait and see how she looks five days out.”

There's a bunch more stuff about how Bush didn't like McCain either, mostly because McCain refused to be seen with Bush and spent the last year or so bashing his administration which made things kinda awkward, but heck, anything was better than having some crazy Dem in office. Cause then everyone would know how much Bush sucked and that wouldn't be good for him or the Republican party he helped destroy. So that was that.

Thank you Matt Latimer for doing the whole world a favor and proving once and for all that Mike Huckabee was all wrong about journalism being a rotting, maggot infested corpse of lies and misinformation.

The fourth estate is alive and well my friend!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Mike Huckabee Suspects Journalism Is As Dead As His Career

What in the world could be in worse shape than the loose, flabby skin on the once morbidly obese body of Mike Huckabee? Why, it's the sorry state of Journalism, of course!

Former rotund Arkansas GOP Governor-turned Fox News talk show host Mike Huckabee went on the last trustworthy news network on the planet to vent about the terrible demise of the press (excluding Fox News of course), which has been reduced to "ink-stained drivel that smeared the pages of paper and the people who attempted to read it."

"I'm sad to report today a death of a good friend to all of us…..Journalism," Huckabee wrote on his political action committee's blog. "The once esteemed 4th estate of our nation and the protector of our freedoms and a watchdog of our rights has passed away after a long struggle with a crippling and debilitating disease of acute dishonesty aggravated by advanced laziness and the loss of brain function."

Wait a minute, Huck! You're not saying being a Republican is contagious, are you??

As evidence for his heart-felt eulogy of the media, Huckabee looked no further than the recent coverage of his totally appropriate and completely innocent remarks about how Sen. Ted Kennedy would have been told to "go home to take pain pills and die" if that demonchild Barack Obama had his way on health care.

"Bloggers and other supposedly professional journalists then took those already distorted interpretations, treated them as sources, and added their own spices," Huckabee said. "Newsweek even had the audacity to use quote marks around a statement never even uttered as if it were my actual words."

Which they were, had they been published by a real source like the National Review, instead of a washed-up rag of liberal propaganda like Newsweek.

"Journalism had grown increasingly dependent on spin-doctor spoon feeding and the circular and insular quoting of other journalists instead of attempting to locate and quote actual first person sources," Huck said, adding that, "No memorial is planned as the practitioners of propaganda seem to be unaware that they have passed away and continue to publish anyway."

In other words, what sweet ol' Huck doesn't understand is why no one ever wants to write about him, except maybe to make fun of him for being stupid. And fat. Aw, snap!

Oh, What, Now Barry "Owns" Health Care, Too?

This guy owns everything! President Barack Obama went on some fancy shmancy television show called 60 Minutes to tell the world he believes that his health-care bill to murder grandma and ruin America will pass this year, and once it does, he will "own it."

You see, President Obama understands that people (especially middle aged white men from the Deep South) are nervous about any black president, let alone a black president whose grand vision includes reforming health care so that even more black people have access to adequate health coverage and thus the opportunity to live to a ripe presidential age, free from rickets and scurvy.

That's why he is willing to take responsibility for any health-care legislation passed by Congress, a move apparently lost on many Republicans.

"You know, I intend to be president for a while and once this bill passes, I own it," he said. "And if people look and say, 'You know what? This hasn't reduced my costs. My premiums are still going up 25%, insurance companies are still jerkin' me around,' I'm the one who's going to be held responsible."

Damn right Barry! And believe me you, they're going to do everything in their power to make that happen. It's in their nature! The exact same way they held GOP brother George W. Bush responsible for all his actions: by giving him unchecked executive power to start fruitless wars, lose Osama bin Laden, bankrupt the economy, trample the Constitution, let New Orleans drown, squander pro-American sentiment throughout the world, and completely f**k up everything he touched for close to a decade.

It's the (white, Christian) American way--and has been since at least the 90s. The 1790s!

"I think there are some who see this as a replay of 1993-94. You know, young president comes in, proposes health care. It crashes and burns and then the Republicans use that to win back the House in the subsequent election… And I think there are some people who are dusting off that playbook."

Where's your respect for tradition, Mister? Besides, what's so great about looking forward, anyway?

I for one prefer living mired in the past. So much less complicated when you pretend the world changes at the same pace as an old, white, former slaveowner from the rural South who still sports a Strom Thurmond sign on their front lawn, or as they like to call it, the Real America.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Rage, Racism, And Republicans: A Teabaggers' Delight!

The usual right-wing parade of gun nuts, racists, white supremacists, Jesus freaks, Ayn Rand die-hards, and big government paranoids marched on Capitol Hill Saturday to protest the President's evil health care reform plan to kill grandma and baby Trig, the government's out-of-control spending, and all else that comes with having an illegal Kenyan Socialist Muslim as President of America.

Alternately singing "God Bless America" with chants of "Heil Hitler," tens of thousands of protesters took to the streets of Washington to fight back against the Führer Obama, Nazi Pelosi, and the rest of the fascist, big-government scum ruining the nation.

Armed with the usual tasteful mix of Confederate flags, "Bury Obamacare with Kennedy" posters, and enough colonial costumes to make anyone feel proud, the good citizens of this country proved to the rest of the world just how nutty some folks really are.

Of course not every protester at the big September 11th Teabagger Festival on September 12 focused on Herr Obama and his socialist policies bankrupting America; some directed their ire at the illegal immigrants leeching onto the country, the horror of their sacred semi-automatic machine guns being taken away, and this outrageous unAmerican plan to spend taxpayer money on something other than bombing oil-rich countries in the Middle East.

While most lawmakers decided to steer clear of the fun-filled rage parade, some brave souls like South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint decided to hinge their political futures on the notion that such important American ideals as unchecked aggression, bigoted rage, and sheer, unadulterated ignorance, are shared by the vast majority of citizens.

"This is not some kind of radical right-wing group," Sen. Jim DeMint said. "I just hope the Congress, the Senate, and the president recognize that people are afraid of what's going on."

I assure you Mr. DeMint. We're pretty much freaking the f**k out!

Who Let Grandma Out Of The House Again?

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Kindred Spirits Of Joe Wilson And Michele Bachmann

She's baaaaaaaaaack! That other semi attractive but equally insane right wing darling not named Sarah Palin (but wishes she was), Minnesota hellwoman Rep. Michele Bachmann, is once again all fired up over the awful Democrats' mistreatment of conservative kindred spirit and total sweetheart Joe "You Lie" Wilson.

Much like the undeserved suffering she endures as a result of the vicious Democratic conspiracy to keep "strong" conservatives like her down, Michele Bachmann feels Joe Wilson's pain. And it hurts. A lot.

As long as those blasted Democrats are in power, strong-willed freedom fighters like her and ol' Joe will never be able to tell America to slit their wrists or blurt whatever crazy thoughts are on their mind at the most highly inappropriate moments.

This abuse cannot stand! So Michele is taking to the Internets to email her many, many (handfuls of) supporters to warn them about how brilliant minds like herself and Joe are being muzzled by America's dangerous slide towards socialism under NObama.

The Democrats are losing when it comes to a debate on the issues and on facts, so they have to resort to demonizing their opponents.

I was in Colorado recently and I made a speech on health care reform. I spoke for nearly 45 minutes about freedom and health care and our gangster government and the economy.

But, the Democrats just want to talk about one line where I said that we as freedom-loving conservatives must do all we can to stop this rush to socialism.
You mean that whole slitting wrists thing? Yeah, that was totally not a big deal.
The President's speech on Wednesday was just the same plan you have already rejected wrapped up in the President's charisma.

They can't argue on the facts or the issues, so they have to make it about personalities and they have to paint strong conservatives like me as evil, uninformed, or crazy. They simply can't understand that there are people out there like you that don't buy their policy prescriptions and that there are people like me who will stand up for you in Congress.
By embarrassing themselves shrieking obscenities at the President during prime time speeches and slitting their wrists in a warm bath of blood and insanity. For freedom!

Friday, September 11, 2009

And The Runners-Up For The Republican Innapropriate Behavior Contest Are...

In all the excitement over Joe Wilson's tremendous feat of making himself and his dear party look like a bunch of mindless heathens during the president's speech to America, it is easy to forget the efforts of fellow conservative stars and statesmen Lindesy Graham and Eric Cantor who earned distinguished honors of their own for less vocal, but no less significant personal protests against the evil Obama Empire.

First, we have fellow South Carolina gentleman Lindsey Graham who almost made the horrible mistake of breaking with his GOP masters by actually clapping for the stupid public option. While President Obama is making a pretty uncontroversial point about how private and public universities coexist, Graham puts his hands together as if to clap before luckily seeing that none of his GOP colleagues are applauding and quickly playing it off as an impromptu hand rub. Phew! Slick one, Linds!

No wanting to show any disrespect, Twitter machine Eric Cantor vowed to steer clear of the tweets and actually listen to what that bastard Obama had to say about health care. Which he totally did by furiously typing away on his Crackberry throughout the President's entire address to Congress instead. Keepin' it classy per usual.

Don't worry because even with the whole Joe "My Emotions Got The Best Of Me" Wilson brouhaha, the efforts of Graham and Cantor did not go unnoticed, and both will be receiving well-earned medals honoring their respective accomplishments in the "Who's Paying Attention the Least Competition." The biggest a**hole award was obviously already taken. There's always next year gentlemen!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Bright Future Of GOP Shining Star Joe "You Lie" Wilson

It was supposed to be another just another boring night of Barack Obama speaking eloquently to the peoples about his newest plans to ruin America by sending roving, bureaucratic death panels to pull the plug on grandma and provide affordable insurance to the rest of us schlubs.

But nooooooo. One Republican freedom-fighter by the name of Joe Wilson couldn't just sit idly by in quiet respect while this man, no this President, lied to the American people about what providing affordable, quality health insurance to those millions of Americans unable to pull themselves up by their boot straps really means. It means the unraveling of society as we know it! All cause of these poor losers!

Only one brave hero had the bold, unadulterated courage to defy hundreds of years of congressional decorum (and common human decency) and stand up to this presidential tyrant by shouting "You lie" at the alleged President of the United States during his prime-time speech to the world.

So go Joe!! You've succeeded in making douchebag history as the biggest Republican embarrassment since, well, the last Republican to open their mouth in public in the Obama era.

But, this Congressional MVP isn't done there. No sir-ee! Winning the Internets for the Republicans for one whole day was just the beginning of Joe Wilson's illustrious career serving the good people of this nation as the esteemed Rep. from South Carolina.

He's gonna be a star!

But not the kind that shines brightly in the sky for billions of years, more the kind that consumes itself until its core collapses in a violent nuclear explosion that destroys our planet in a fiery death of apocalyptic proportions.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Déjà Vu? Barry Talks Health Care, Republicans Talk Trash

Wah Wah. Barry NObama has had a rough couple of weeks trying to get America to see the benefit of having health care options beyond what color stain they'd like on the shoddy wooden casket used to host their pathetic, broke-ass, decrepit bodies.

It's never easy convincing people to let you help them, especially when the Republican half of the nation's lawmakers are ever so responsibly filling the airwaves with lies, fears, and a whole lot of crazy. But that's okay. Barry is used to doing things the hard way.

So once again, President Obama takes to the teevee Wednesday night to give his billionth speech to "make sure that the American people are clear exactly what it is that we're proposing."

Apparently, his failure to enumerate each and every point in the oh, hundreds or so pages of the health care reform bill "left too much ambiguity" and as a result, allowed his opponents to "fill up the airwaves with a lot of nonsense." Which they would NEVER have done if it weren't for Obama confusing everyone with his big words and bold plans for creating a health care system that makes sense, actually helps people and doesn't throw your bleeding, broken, half-dead ass out the door because you have food stamps not Visa Platinum in your wallet.

Please excuse him for thinking that Congress was actually capable of acting like a functional legislative body instead of a mob of bratty teenagers and making "an effort to give Congress the ability to do their thing and not step on their toes."

This time, Obama will make sure that Democrats and Republicans (and Americans!) understand that "I'm open to new ideas, that we're not being rigid and ideological about this thing, but we do intend to get something done this year." Like pronto. And that something happens to include a public option (gasp!) so that the only choice isn't which private insurer will rip you off less.

"I continue to believe that a public option within the basket of insurance choices would help improve quality and bring down costs."

And turn this country into a Socialist nightmare where those who are satisfied with their current insurance wouldn't be affected (except perhaps to be relieved of sky-rocketing rates) and those without or unsatisfied with their insurance provider could opt for the more affordable public or government-run option. Total insanity! Still sounds suspiciously Russian to me...

Good thing the Republicans are busy preparing a response strategy to steal some of the President's thunder and help clear up those nasty rumors still swirling around all because they hate Obama and love America that much.

They even found a doctor--a Republican doctor (surgeon!) and congressman all the way from Louisiana--to deliver the rebuttal. Surely, this rising star by the name of Charles Boustany will be better than the last bayou stud dork they brought in called Bobby or Piyush or something like that.

"Dr. Boustany’s response will be a new and more prominent venue to highlight what Republicans have been saying all along," House Minority Leader John Boehner's press secretary said. "We want to work with the president on bipartisan health care solutions, especially regarding rising health care costs."

NOT!!! HAHAHAHAHA OMG STOP!! You guys are too funny! No, seriously I...I...can't breathe...and I could never afford health insurance. Oops.

Perhaps Dr. Charles Boustany Will Save Me?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Bubba's Health Care Tip To Barry: Grow A Pair

When you're single-handedly responsible for saving two frightened Asian-American lady journalists from the pint-sized dungeon master of the bad Korea, you basically earn the right to do and say whatever you please for the next, oh, six months or so. At least.

It also helps if you happen to be a former president who also tried to get health care reform passed in the mid-1990s, only to see it shot down by a lethal combination of catching a couple of adulterous BJs in the Oval Office and a Republican majority in Congress.

But compared to the bullsh*t Bubba had to deal with, Barack Obama ain't got nothin' to worry about! And if there's anyone who knows a few things about messing up--and as such--how to occasionally avoid making said mistakes, it is none other than William Jefferson Clinton.

So listen up Barry and take it from someone who knows: The Republicans ain't got sh*t on you!

For starters, stop caring so damn much what those wacko Republicans think: they don't have the numbers, so they don't mean squat. Unlike when he was trying to pass health care reform and had to deal with that fat, pain-in-the-butt Newt character instead of a nice, attractive, albeit wide-eyed lady named Nancy.

"All we have to worry about is getting things done and doing them as well as we can," Clinton said. "Don't even worry about the Republicans. Let them figure out what they're going to stand for. 'Cause as long as they're sitting around waiting for us to mess up, they don't have a chance."

This time Bubba knows, "It's going to have a different ending — he's going to get health care reform."

"The broad canvas is that the Republicans are trying to figure out whether to keep playing their old songs or try to write a new script," he said. "Meanwhile, they're hoping this president will fail, and they're trying to spook the Democrats from the more vulnerable districts into helping him fail."

Don't be silly guys. The Dems don't need any help failing. They're perfectly capable of doing that all by themselves!

Though, I guess sometimes it's hard to resist the urge to spook the hell out of everybody for no reason at all. But hell, what are Republicans for anyway?

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Higher Power Of Those In Power

For a country founded firmly on the separation of church and state, America's colorful flock of lawmakers and politicians sure know a thing or two about God almighty. Especially when it comes to asking his Holiness for all sorts of favors to help them in their mortal quests (whatever they may be).

Like hunky Florida Governor Charlie Crist whose close, personal relationship with God may or may not be what's responsible for keeping Florida safe from hurricanes and other scary storms since he took office in 2006.

Of course, Crist isn't trying to take credit for this miraculous phenomenon or anything (he'll leave that to God), but it just so happens that he's had prayer notes placed in the Western Wall in Jerusalem (the holiest Jewish place in the world!) each year he's been in office and not a single hurricane has dared hit Florida since.

Coincidence? I think not!

"Do you know the last time it was we had a hurricane in Florida?" Crist asked a group of real estate agents. "It's been awhile. In 2007, I took my first trade mission. Do you know where I went?"

To Israel, duh! Where he high-tailed it straight to the Western Wall to insert his personal note to the Creator to save Florida from nature's evil wrath.

"Dear God, please protect our Florida from storms and other difficulties. Charlie."

But that's not it! Every time someone, anyone, he knows goes to Israel, like Sen. Nan Rich last year and "a friend" this year, Charlie gives them a note--but not just any note, mind you. The SAME note with the SAME prayer as when he first tucked Florida's well-being in her holy cracks back in '07.

"You can do it on the Internet now, but I'd rather have it physically in there," Crist joked. He had decidedly less to say on the one golden rule religious leaders have about how "the note placed between the stones of the Western Wall are between a person and his maker. It is forbidden to read them or make use of them." Ugh, Rabbis can be so particular sometimes!

Who knows God's mysterious ways better than Minnesota's own deranged messenger of divinity, Michele Bachmann, whose presidential hopes depend on none other than the Supreme Being himself?

"If I felt that's what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it," she said. "When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I've said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it."

What a gal! But some heretics and godless Democrats say this unstable GOP wonder woman doesn't have a prayer in hell to make it on the national political scene, but then again they don't have a personal relationship with El Savior now do they?

"They want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice."

Hey, no worries Michele. You know better than anyone that God will decide which crazy lady gets to be lady-president first, not a bunch of stupid voters (who know nothing of HIS work anyway).

Just look at Sarah Palin. She's not worried about such small, earthly concerns. Why would she be? Not when she has preacher Bishop Thomas Muthee of the Wasilla Assembly of God church protecting her from un-American threats like goblins, demons and "every form of witchcraft."

"Pastor Muthee was here and he was praying over me, and you know how he speaks and he's so bold," Sarah said. "And he was praying 'Lord make a way, Lord make a way' ... He said, 'Lord make a way and let her do this next step.' And that's exactly what happened."

It did! Except for the little fact that not even the main man himself (praise his name!) could save a certain elderly running mate from being embarrassed by an uppity young man named Barack Hussein Obama and his devoted throng of pious voters.

During a presidential rally for John McCain last October, Rev. Arnold Conrad called upon the good Lord to get involved in the campaign because, "There are millions of people around this world praying to their God—whether it's Hindu, Buddha, Allah—that his [McCain’s] opponent wins for a variety of reasons...And Lord I pray that you would guard your own reputation, because they’re going to think that their god is bigger than you, if that happens. So I pray that you would step forward and honor your own name in all that happens between now and Election Day."

Hmmm. Guess he must have gotten Him on Sunday.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Right-Wing Celebrates Overthrowing One Of Obama's Evil Czars

Oh no-zees! Amid the quiet R&R of Labor Day Weekend, the White House fired outspoken BLACK "green jobs czar" Van Jones, making the surprise announcement in the wee-early hours of Sunday.

But what terrible crime did Van Jones commit to get the ol' heave-ho by Obama and crew, (other than the obvious problem of his rather dark skin color)?

Ready for it? He called the Republicans "assholes" (gasp!). The nerve of that man! Of all the indecent, horrible things to do, calling the party that wants nothing more than for the Obama White House to implode a meany name ranks high on the list of top offenses.

For a White House trying to fight through health care reform, and encourage bipartisan cooperation in the face of unabashed GOP obstruction and baseless personal attacks, the latest overblown controversy had terrible timing.

As Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained, "What Van Jones decided was that the agenda of this president was bigger than any one individual. The president thanks Van Jones for his service in the first eight months." And now kindly asks him to scram.

In a resignation statement early Sunday morning, Jones said: "On the eve of historic fights for health care and clean energy, opponents of reform have mounted a vicious smear campaign against me. They are using lies and distortions to distract and divide." So I guess it wasn't his first choice to resign?

While the Jones controversy appears to have gotten its momentum from trustworthy, conservative voices of reason like Glenn Beck, it spread quickly once the right-wing realized forcing Obama czars to resign was better than any orgasm they've never had.

Former press secretary to President George W. Bush, Dana Perino couldn't agree more.

"Resigning was the right thing to do," Perino said, adding she was "curious how he made it that far into the administration when a Google search could have told you he believed that the Bush administration had allowed 9/11 to happen. It'd be like the Bush White House having a former Klansman or Holocaust denier in the West Wing."

Ha ha imagine that? Well I for one feel so much better knowing it was just a bunch of demented, inept, torture-loving, constitution-hating psychos instead.

Friday, September 4, 2009

President Obama's During-School Special On Teevee!

Soon, on Tuesday September 8th at 11 AM to be exact, President Barack Hussein Obama will take to the teevees of our nation's classrooms for the sole purpose of indoctrinating the minds of America's fragile youth with evil socialist beliefs.

Dangerous beliefs like the so-called "value of education" and "staying in school" and assorted other tenets of communism.

But some parents in the "Real America" are not about to stand back and allow this half-black socialist MENACE to brainwash their perfect, white little angels with some outrageous back-to-school speech encouraging students to work hard and stay in school.

Hells no! These outraged Parents-of-the-Year do not care if Ronnie Reagan and George H.W. Bush also spoke to schoolchildren through the odd, new medium called "television" in the late '80s and early '90s, they will simply not permit little Johnny and Jill to be subjected to the socialist agenda of Obama's White House.

Instead, they will fight this black-socialist-presidential threat with all their might--even if it means forcing their poor white children to stay home, get dumber and watch important, constructive, AMERICAN things on the home teevee like My Super Sweet 16 and So You Think You Can Dance.

Like Sarah Palin, Mark Sanford Is Always An Innocent Victim

Poor Mark Sanford has had a very rough year.

The man's had to tearfully admit to a lot of sketchy behavior and pretty much constantly lying about everything, including a certain, little-known Appalachian Trail that leads to adulterous sex in Argentina.

With all these baseless new ethics probes over his travel and personal expenses, not to mention the growing pressure from South Carolina lawmakers and the Republican Party to resign, Mark is starting to understand what it's like to be Sarah Palin. And, it ain't easy!

Luckily, like his Alaskan soul mate, Mark Sanford answers to a calling higher than the "selective outrage" of fellow Republicans and the majority of South Carolina voters.

The "politics of personal destruction" mean squat if you have God on your side.

"I feel absolutely committed to the cause, to what God wanted me to do with my life," he said. "I have got this blessing of being engaged in a fight for liberty, which is constantly being threatened."

Because he is so blessed AND on the front lines in the epic battle for freedom, Sanford wants America to know he has absolutely NO REASON to start that terrible rumor that his bitter rival, Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, who has publicly called for Sanford's resignation, is a big fat GAY!

He would never stoop to to such lows! Must have been those other guys who hate Bauer and have every reason in the world to discredit him.

In fact, the Governor's office suspects it may be the same terrible people who've been dragging Gov. Sanford good name through the mud all this time just "for trying to change the 'good ol' boy' system of politics in Columbia."

And they think it's high-time to end these vicious, unsubstantiated character assassinations, whoever the target may be. Particularly innocent, philandering governors who bankrupt their state, not fag Lt. Governors. who hold their elected leaders accountable for their actions. Hiking trails to infidelity and all!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

There Will Be Blood...In Texas

The secessionist nutjobs (patriots of the Confederacy, former slaveowners and so forth) held a HUGE rally (like 10 people!) in front of the Texas State Capitol last week to show the nation how a Real American acts: By gearing up for a war against their sworn enemy the HATED United States.

But there was something decidedly absent from last weekend's "Sovereignty or Secession" rally other than brain cells: Gov. Rick Perry and his 70-plus pretend secessionist allies from the state legislature were nowhere to be found!

But why would the freedom-loving, secessionist governor of the second most populous state fail to make an appearance to support the cause he holds so dear: dissolving the God-awful Union?

Certainly not because he was, dare I say, embarrassed to be seen hobnobbing with such fine company. I'm sure Rick and Co. have a perfectly reasonable explanation for their absence, like not wanting to commit total political suicide quite yet.

Which means it was up to plump Texas Nationalist Movement leader Daniel Miller to fire up the crowd and give the people what they came for (besides seeing Fox News in real life!): to demand Texas legislators "immediately move for the restoration of the complete and unadulterated Sovereignty of Texas...or move immediately for complete Secession from the United States of America."

In the absence of actual politicians like Rick Perry, the protesters instead made do with Christian activist and deranged Gov. hopeful Larry Kilgore, whose enlightened policies include executing homosexuals and carrying out other deranged versions of the Lord's commandments, as well as Melissa Pehle-Hill (who??), member of the self-appointed "Citizens Grand Jury" investigating Barack Hussein Obama aka Barry Soetoro aka Obama bin Laden.

Oh, and plenty of tattooed bikers sporting Confederate memorabilia of all kinds, lots of older men in Texas flag shirts wearing too-tight blue jeans (complete with the obligatory crotch-hug), conspiracy theorists wandering around with various Obama-as-Joker, Obama-as-Hitler signs, and just enough cowboy hats, facial hair, and rotting teeth to make a normal person very uncomfortable.

"I hate that flag up there,” Kilgore said pointing to the American flag flying over the Capitol. "I hate the United States government...They’re an evil, corrupt government. They need to go. Sovereignty is not good enough. Secession is what we need!"

To which the patriotic crowd roared in approval, "We hate the United States!"

One Ron Paul nut lady chimed in: "We are aware that stepping off into secession may in fact be a bloody war. We are aware that the tree of freedom is occasionally watered with the blood of tyrants and patriots."

Or the blood of a handful of psychotic renegades after the evil US empire invades their new homeland, the "country" of Texas, obliterates its entire population, and levels the whole freaking place in less than a New York minute.

Rod Blagojevich Unleashes The Page-Turning Truth On America!

OMG, this is the moment all of America--no, make that all of the world--has been waiting for! The truth about about what really happened to Illinois' most stylish lego-haired crime boss governor: straight from the source himself. So you know it's all true!

The new, "tell-all" (if the insane rantings of one deranged man qualifies as tell-all) is called The Governor and is going to blow the lid off the conspiracy against that innocent lamb Rod Blagojevich once and for all.

Among the juicy tidbits to look forward to is our faithful hero Blago comparing himself to the Godfather and O.J. Simpson while explaining how he's been victimized by rivals and "unethical" prosecutors.

Of course, when it comes to that "f**kin' golden" senate seat he is (falsely!) accused of trying to sell, Blagojevich calls his efforts "routine," writing, "I was merely engaged in the ordinary and routine politicking that frequently accompanies a significant appointment by the governor."

To be honest, his only thought in selecting a new senator was, "How much do I love the people of Illinois?"

"Had I appointed myself to the United States Senate or even appointed my wife — which again, I could have legally done — our lives would in all probability be a lot different than they are today," he writes. "A lot of people advised and encouraged me to appoint myself senator. Deep down, it didn’t feel right to me."

Swell guy.

But what did feel right was appointing someone with an ego as big as his own, whose unearned sense of entitlement ensured he would accept the appointment (no questions asked) and refuse to back down for any reason, be it logic, good sense, or the rule of law.

Blagojevich also uses his Pulitzer-worthy book to blast U.S. Atty. Patrick J. Fitzgerald for smearing his good name and telling reporters that the governor had been arrested to stop a "crime spree."

"Mr. Fitzgerald didn't stop a crime spree," Blagojevich explains. "He stopped me from doing a lot of good for a lot of people."

Damn you, Fitzgerald! Damn you to hell! What were you thinking stopping Gandhi Blagojevich from fulfilling his life's work helping to save the world? Now we'll have to wait until Rod finishes his lengthy prison term to apologize on behalf of America for getting everything all wrong about the world's most misunderstood Elvis impersonator.

Can you find it in your heart to forgive us, Il Padrino?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Michele Bachmann Urges You To Slit Your Wrists For Freedom!

Unstable Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachman traveled all the way from the wilds of her congressional district to a faraway land called Denver to call upon her fellow conservative warriors to join together in the fight against President Obama's evil, socialist plot to reform health care.

"This cannot pass," Michele told the crowd. "What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass."

"Something is way crazy out there," she said. "Right now, we are looking at reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom. And we may never be able to restore it if we don't man up and take this one on."

"This is slavery," Bachmann explained after claiming many Americans pay half their income to taxes. "It’s nothing more than slavery."

Oh no! We must protect freedoms' guts...from Obama! So quick, everyone slit their wrists and bleed to death to protest affordable health care. It's the only way to save America from the apocalypse of universal coverage and break free from the bitter shackles of income tax slavery.

Oops, with all this talk of blood and guts, I almost forgot my manners...

Ladies first. After you, my dear Michele!!