Joe Miller Loves Freedom So Much, He'll Take Away Yours Just For Asking Too Many Meany Questions

If you are a no-good, arugula-eating, non-mammal killing journylist in the Great State of Alaska and maybe wanna ask the actual Republican running for U.S. Senate, Joe 'Grizzly Beard' Miller, a question or two after a town hall meeting at an Anchorage middle school, consider yourself forewarned, my friend!

"We've drawn a line in the sand. You can ask me about background, you can ask me about personal issues -- I'm not going to answer," Miller said.

So there!

"We are calling upon all responsible members of the media (like Fox News?) to focus on the issues, the legitimate issues (Obama's birth origins?) and not repeat basically the lies and innuendos, not repeat the clear violations of law (that I, Joe Miller, committed) but to focus on the issues at hand. Now I'll admit, and I've said this before, I'm a man of flaws (no freakin' way!), there's no question about it. (Hey watch it, mister, we don't say the "Q" word here!) You know, I wasn't born with a silver spoon, I haven't been born wealthy," he said.

Duh! Why else would he and his wife be suffering from the "entitlement mentality" he's always shrieking about, and secretly receiving the very state and federal subsidies and/or low-income medical benefits he's hates so much for his large, strapping family of eight children if he was some rich librul elitist instead of some rich rightwing hypocrite who looks like a homeless person?

Nevermind don't answer that!

Unless, of course, you too want to get handcuffed and detained by the large, similarly hairy, flannel-clad behemoths who comprise Joe's security detail, and keep their beloved, boot-wearing Paul Bunyan-esque Tea Party candidate safe from scary journalists, nosing around about his "personal background," racking up a whole bunch of credit card debt and reneging on student loans at hoity toity elitist librul Ivy League schools like Yale, instead of real 'merican institutions like Wasilla Community College.

The same scruffy faced Ivy League-educated Teabag lawyer and possible Brawny paper towel spokesman, Joe Miller, who defeated washed up, old hag incumbent Lisa Murkowski in the Republican primary, invited a bunch of fellow friends and freedom-lovers on his favoritest Facebook and Twitter to join him at a town hall meeting to debate the issues, before suddenly deciding he doesn't care much for this whole freedom of speech, question' askin' tomfoolery, so kindly scram before Joe gets really angry and goes full-out Todd Palin on your behinds.

That's right, folks! Mama Grizz Sarah Palin and her faithful hubby Todd aren't the only Alaska Republican with slight-to-severe anger & overreaction problems!

Just ask Tony Hopfinger, founder and editor of news website Alaska Dispatch who found himself pinned face-first against a wall, handcuffed, and placed "under arrest" by Joe Miller's roving gang of black-suit wearing security guards protecting their Tea Boss Joe against meany reporters and their probing inquiries of his past misdeeds. Or at least until real police officers showed up and told the guards to release him because as far as they're concerned, it is still legal in Alaska to ask senate candidates questions other than what they ate for brunch last Saturday.

Well Joe Miller certainly doesn't think so! He knows the dirty culprit Tony Hopfinger, editor of the evil Alaska Dispatch Internet website, deserved to be arrested by fake officers of the law/real paid employees of Miller's campaign for committing high treason. In other words, asking a question poor ol' Joe didn't much like. How's that for gotcha journalism?

Tony Hopfinger was handcuffed by [Miller's private security] guards and detained in a hallway at Central Middle School until Anchorage police came and told the guards to release Hopfinger.

Hopfinger, who was holding a small video camera, said he was attempting to draw out a statement from Miller on why he was disciplined by the Fairbanks North Star Borough when Miller worked there as a part-time attorney.

After Miller walked away, Hopfinger said, Miller’s security team pushed him and he pushed back because he felt his personal space was being invaded. He says guards detained him and accused him of trespassing, although the town hall was a public event held at Central Middle School, a public building.

“The Dispatch reporter repeatedly pushed a camera into the face of Mr. Miller,” Miller's security guard William Fulton said. “He continued to aggressively pursue him. I told the reporter several times that he needed to stop and that he was trespassing, he ignored me. He then proceeded to stalk Mr. Miller and even shoved an individual into a locker. Based upon this trespass and his assault, we detained him and escorted him from the premises.”

You go, Joe!

Of course a simple “no comment” usually does the trick, but not for figthin' Joe Miller, who apparently much prefers to handcuff and faux arrest citizens instead. It's waaaaay more fun and exciting, albeit potentially embarrassing, though Joe's never seemed to have a problem with that before. He did get endorsed by Sarah Palin, after all!

In a statement on the incident Sunday evening, Miller said Hopfinger appeared irrational, angry and potentially violent. You mean he pulled a Palin??

“While I've gotten used to the blog Alaska Dispatch's assault on me and my family, I never thought that it would lead to a physical assault,” Miller said. “It's too bad that this blogger would take advantage of a ‘Town Hall’ meeting to create a publicity stunt just two weeks before the election.”

Yes, how dare this insidious blogger take advantage of an all-inclusive Town Hall meeting to create a publicity stunt about how this one psycho Teabagger for Senate (no one ever heard of before two months ago) refuses to answer any press questions about his weirdo personal or professional background, but will not hesitate to arrest any dumb sad sack media schlub who speaks such blasphemy just two weeks before the election!?

When will this rude, nosy, no-life blogger learn it is not the place of journalists to ask their little-known political candidates to disclose the truth about the various quasi-legal undertakings of their shady past, like say back in 2008 when they were not-at-all-sketchily fired from their part time job as city attorney for Fairbanks North Star Borough for inappropriately using government property to unseat the state GOP party chairman?? I mean, ugh, the nerve!

This is not what good upstanding Joe Miller citizens do! Sure, feel free to ask the man what his favorite color is (umm, white?), his preferred caliber hunting rifle (.338 Winchester Magnum, 24" barrel, 2-6x scope), or even his favoritest blend of delicious, refreshing herbal Tea (anything but black!). These are all well and good and Joe would be more than happy to answer each 'n every one of 'em. 

When will the stupid lamestream media get it through their thick skulls that Joe Miller does not want nor will tolerate being treated like an an actual candidate for U.S. Senate who has to answer questions about not just their past, but their present, future, and all other relevant information relating to their 43 years of existence on Earth?

Does his flannel shirt, lumberjack beard, and long, sketchy history of debt-ridden scandals and abuses of power not tell you everything you need to know??

For Christ's sake, the man enjoys his hotcakes thick, fluffy, stacked sky high, and drenched in sweet syrup, believes in the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, hates gubmint, loves freedom, (except the annoying press kind), adores Alaska, save for that awful Murkowski lady, and is just like you!

Sans the legal/professional woes, serial killer beard, whole 'living in Alaska' thing, and of course deep gratitude to El Barracuda herself, Sarah Louise Palin, for putting a no-name hothead who loves federal benefits and facial hair but simply can't stand bastard reporters' pryin' questions, on the political map.

But on the bright side, at least Joe Miller's campaign is staying on message: "I am an asshole & you will be arrested."

Now shut your stinkin' trap, mind your own darn business, go vote for Joe, and maybe, just maybe, the wondrous state of Alaska can be big enough for Joe and those who don't enjoy steel cuffs locked around their bruised, swollen wrists by some freaky nobody senate candidate's crazed, overzealous, Gestapo campaign staff.

Isn't freedom the bestest???

Hmmm, what's that you say? "No comment?" Wise choice, pal.

Sarah Palin's Alaska: All The Flippin' Fun & Freedom You Could Cram Into 663,268 Sq. Miles Of Frozen Arctic Nothingness

"This is flippin' fun! I'd rather be doing this than in some stuffy old political office. I'd rather be out here bein' free!" -- Sarah Palin, Mother Of All Grizzlies Everywhere

Hear that America? Sarah Louise Barracuda Mama Grizzly Palin has big plans, BIG PLANS, to soon become President Empress of God's America, because, well, there's only so many moose piles of money to be made frolicking with Li'l Trigger in snowshoes on the basic cable channel for out-of-work Americans curious about what it's like to be a lonely dwarf in a normal-sized world, or a newly abandoned single parent tasked with raising a litter of 25 bratty kids, the Discovery Channel Learning Channel, or whatever.

But until our beloved squall from the Snowy North drifts in along the Arctic current to take the actual oath of office as President of Jesus' America, Sarah Palin has agreed to squeeze a couple more mil from her favoritest place, Hollywood, for the privilege of giving the nation the once-in-a-lifetime chance to see the great State of Alaska through the wondrous, pristine, snow white eyes of Shakespearean scholar, world-famous moose hunter, and living legend, St. Sarah, America's most cherished national treasure, right after the endangered Grey Wolf, Sockeye Salmon, and Kodiak Bear.

That's right nation! Barring some unforeseen circumstances where, say, Sarah decides to treat her latest employment like every other job (including that last dumb Governor gig!), and ups and quits halfway through the series, freedumb-loving 'mericans from oil-soaked coast-to-coast will be able to see sweet Sarah shine for eight whole exciting episodes of reality-teevee idiot antics.

Woohoo!

Now, the all the free world ('cept gross Muslims, and those living in bustling towns with pop. less than 500) can tune in while Sarah introduces other unemployed illiterates to the best (and only!) state she knows anything about, in terms of it being the only state freakin' cold enough to collectively freeze the brain of its citizenry long enough to actually elect someone like Sarah as its leader, along with all the other amazing things a person can do while living in the Final Frontier, like make precious, li'l miracles of God in the back of Todd's pickup, field dress freshly shot mammals (no, no, Levi doesn't show up until the finale, silly!), and take a tour through SarBear's ol' stomping grounds, like the abandoned meth factory and used tire lot she once called home, wondrous Wasilla!

But lest you think this is some arugula-eating elitist librul show full of hoity toity indoor activities like readin',  writin', or even thinkin', remember this is Mama Bear's Alaska, we're talking about!

A reality show about a woman who has not the slightest grip on reality!

That means check your brain at the door and gear up for plenty of action-packed adventures, skiing, snowshoeing, four-wheeling, fishing, watchin' grizzly cubs fightin', enduring SarBear's signature, avalanche-inducing shrieks 'bout tranquility & bein' free, and of course, Mama Bear Sarah's sage parenting wisdom "No boys go upstairs!"

That's right! You heard the woman, if you want to have bad drunken teenage sex and get knocked up like your big sis Bristy, you know the rules!

It's either the old shed out back or on primetime television on a major network like ABC, "Thrusting with the Stars" or something, as is befitting of a future first daughter not some abstinence-crusading cock tease in sequins and stilettos who already has one lil miracle of God under her chastity belt.

Not that it matters anyway since Sarah just wants to have flippin' fun bein' free: "I'd rather be doing this than in some stuffy old political office."

Your wish is our command! Oh, you betcha!

Now if you'll be a dear and sign along the dotted line. Or just growl. Either one, really!

Who The Hell Is 'Orora' & What Has It Done To America's Most Cherished Online Cheerleader Sarah Palin?

Since holding an actual elected position is clearly beneath her Arctic highness Sarah Palin (the only qualified person in America to do anything), perhaps more suited to her "skills" would be to function as an effective wingnut “cheerleader,” based purely on her experience in patriotically quitting the only elected statewide office she's ever held, and brilliantly figuring out how to get knocked up & birth a litter o' precious miracles of God with weirdo, suspiciously liberal names.

Just ask Family Research Council President and last line of defense against the evil scourge of homosinuality threatening to gay (and lesbian) marry our nation's impressionable, confused children, Tony Perkins.

Perkins, in a bit of candor that some conservative leaders don’t always voice, called Palin “a great spokesman” and added that “she says what a lot of people think.”
“But you know a lot of people sometimes realize we shouldn’t say everything we think,” he continued. “Maybe it is that she is more of a cheerleader and one who rallies conservatives together as opposed maybe to being their top choice for president.”

Or, perhaps, in the same vein as the legendary George W. Bush, she could be both the greatest cheerleader and greatest U.S. President, in the history of mankind?

The woman does have a knack for wearin' tight li'l numbers and shrieking senseless, catchy slogans with no real meaning except revvin' up the angry, over-caffeinated, under-educated, old white supremacist crowd.

She's even mastered the art of spewing hateful "cheers" in 140 incoherent characters or less on her favoritest megaphone, the Wasilla World Wide Web!

And by the looks of her latest Mastertweet, somebody (Jesus?) must have informed our prized Snow Drifter that the 'Aurora Borealis' indeed occurs in her Arctic neck of the woods, who in turn, thought, "Golly gee, 'Orora' does sound like a great handle, dontcha know, plus now the lamestream media won't be able to call me dumb anymore, with all this fancy shmancy science-y stuff, oh ya betcha!" Wink, Wink!

Ha ha screw you leetist non-Alaskans with ur I.V. League insistence on korrect spelluns' & Kelsey Grammer rules.

But what exactly does 'Orora' Sarah mean by "my advice for Lisa?" Lisa who? Lisa Simpson? They were in Alaska for their movie. But then again that was back when Sarah was still an unknown nobody with an actual job and responsibilities, not a super-star celebrity somebody whose only employment is duping dumb poor rednecks out of their hard-earned money.

Could she mean Lisa Ling? Perhaps she's confusing Lisa with her other, slightly less-famous journalist sister Laura, who she still mistakenly believes is being held hostage by that crazy midget in the bad Korea?

Hmmm, possibly. Or could Sarah be referring to incumbent Alaskan Sen. Lisa Murkowski, who recently, not very cheerfully, announced (and didn't even chant it in fun, sing-song rhyme!) her independent bid after losing the Republican primary to that faintly-bearded weirdo Teabagger Cub Joe Miller, by swiping at Mama Grizz Sarah by saying, "Perhaps it's one time they met one Republican woman who won't quit on Alaska!"

Hmmm, this is all very confusing! Online cheerleading isn't as easy as it looks!

And what is with the extra period? Are we to assume the .”. symbol is secret Teabagger code only decipherable to non-masturbating witches in Delaware, like Sarah's other adopted grizzly cub, Christine O'Donnell? Yes, that must be it!

Besides, I was always under the impression the preferred bear-reaction advice was "pump as many rounds as humanly possible as quickly and accurately as you can with the largest-caliber weapon at your disposal, while giggling wildly like some deranged cackle of rads."

God, why does this mysterious Orora lady hate everyone's favoritest 2nd Amendment solution??

Ask yourself America, is this really the kind of person/upper atmosphere photon admissions display, we want, no make that need, (cheer)leading our nation in the 21st century?

Gimme a Y!-O!-U! Can I get a B!-E!-T!-C!-H!-A! What does that spell??

GOOOOOOOO GRIZZLIES!!!

The Original Loud Mouth President Of Megaphones, George W. Bush!

Glenn Beck & Sarah Palin Know The Best Way To Honor 9/11 Victims Is To Score As Much Dirty, Sexy Money Off The Poor Schmucks As Possible!

In "honor" of the thousands of innocent American civilians murdered nine years ago, on that fateful autumn day in 2001, überpatriots Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck will be a holding their own personal 9/11 event in Alaska to "honor" their own uncanny ability to dupe the dumb public into pouring moose piles of dirty money into their already fat, overstuffed, blood-soaked coffers. For freedom!

That's right! For just the bargain basement rate of 2,977 murdered souls, plus between $73.75 and $225 for entry, you too can watch Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin weep faux tears for the fallen and real tears (of joy!) for themselves in their their latest, greatest(!) get-rich-quick scheme to steal money from everyday, hardworking men & women, and honor the nation by dishonoring all those who tragically lost their lives in the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history. Hooray!

Because this 9/11 rally is very much for-profit! Oh, you betcha!

These two gutless swindlers are charging up to $225 for entry, with the most expensive tickets offering a "meet and greet." There will be a bar, too! You just have to get the "wet" section tickets.

Disclaimer: Beck will likely not be in the "wet" section lest he fall from Jesus-blessed grace and return to his bumbling, boozy ways of acting like an inebriated buffoon....He can do that all by himself, without the help of alcohol now, thank you very much!

And if that weren't reason enough, as of now, no charity has been named to receive the proceeds, which means every dripping red cent will go straight to our own twin towers of freedom and real American heroes of 9/11 Glenn Lee Beck and Sarah Louise Palin. Yay!

Alaska-area promoter Christopher Cox said the date of the event is a coincidence. Cox originally was eyeing Sept. 4, but did not want to compete with the Alaska State Fair, and moved the date to a week later, which worked out better for Beck as well.
"And you know what, it's a great date for me, for America, for Alaska," Cox said.

Oooooh, so it's just a coincidence that it's on 9/11?? Just like Glenny's coincidental KKK "Restoring Honor" rally for invalid obese people on the very location and day as Martin Luther King's almost-as-historic "I Have A Dream" Speech or say, that oddly coincidental Independence Day celebration that freakishly falls on July 4, of all dates!

And to think, I simply thought since the anniversary of the death of the 2,977 innocent men and women incinerated in a fiery blaze of metal, steel, and jet fuel is such a wonderful moment for America, those two li'l angels from heaven simply couldn't resist! Besides, can you really blame Sarah & Glenn (Glarah) for not wanting to compete with the State Fair, of Alaska?? I know I wouldn't. So, they'll just compete with the 9/11 victims instead. Dead people don't tend to cause too much trouble, anyway!

Which is good because I know at least two people who have some serious blood money to make! We're talking an absolute killing! Metaphorically speaking of course! After all, they wouldn't want to offend anyone or anything. Except maybe their sensibilities. Which isn't worth much anyway.

Grab your "wet" tickets, put on your finest Star Spangled jumpsuit and head due North to ol' Anchorage, Alaska to celebrate(?) 9/11 in Teabaggin' style...at the Glenn Beck/Sarah Palin "Accidental, Coincidental Circus Spectacular, The Greatest Show On Earf!"

***Act Now! Because the first 500 patriots get a 100% authentic Koran for the post-show special, "Sean Hannity Presents: Bonfire of the Vanities--The Devil Wears Burka, A Tribute To 9/11," holy book burning bonanza, at no extra cost!***

With all the smoke and insanity, it'll be like 9/11 all over again! Minus Rudy Giuliani.

Getcha popcorn ready...Freedom will never be the same again!

The "Healthy Lifestyle" Of Mama Bear Sarah And Her Precious Lovebirds' Bristol & Levi's Drama-Free Sleigh Ride To The Altar

ARGHHHH, Help Bristol, Some Weird Thing Is Touching Me!!

Beloved Arctic heartthrobs Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston decided why the hell not give Us Weekly a little more of the gossipy good stuff, who in turn decided why the hell not place the BRISTOLing interview with the li'l lovebirds in their “Healthy Lifestyle” section of their site, because there is nothing healthier than unprotected, underage babymaking by two teenagers whose relationship consists of magazine covers and teevee interviews.

Us Weekly knows this! Trust me, you don't get to be the go-to rag of ironic teen hipsters with just a freakin' orange dwarf sextin' with John McCain alone!

Puh-lease! Haha, maybe if you wanna be Ok! (**Shudder!**).

Anyway, so Bristy gives Us the exclusive, juicy details about how her awful, ghastly beast of a mother (and now grandmother) Sarah Louise Palin "doesn't really approve" of her (fake) surprise engagement and reality $how auction to playboy gossip whore Levi Johnston and is "not 100 percent backing us up right now."

Oh, really you don't say! I thought Sar was positively swooning over the pending nuptials of her 19-year-old revenue booster's white wedding (in snow only--wink, wink!) to hung hockey hunk Levi Johnston. It totally seemed that way judging by her weird passive-aggressive statementy thing about “praying” for them, and alluding to "struggling with forgiveness" and other oddly decent human qualities. 

"She's apprehensive and concerned about this. She doesn't want to see me get hurt again," Bristol said.

Eh, hate to break it to ya toots, but it's more she doesn't want to see blabbermouth ex-loverboy's shoot their pieholes off to the lamestream media no more or she's gonna show them what else she can shoot, and it ain't spit!

"Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives."

Ummm, we're actually all pretty much cool with it. But hey, you go ahead and keep telling yourself that, hon! Whatever makes it easier for you to wake up in the morning!

"She knew Levi and I had been talking, but she wanted to know if Levi was really sincere about this," says Bristol. "I told her we were working on our relationship for Tripp, and she told me, 'Actions speak louder than words.'

You betcha! But clichés come second, with tattoos a distant third.

"She's going to wait to see if he changes... But she's just glad he is getting on the right path. She knows how much Tripp means to me, and she wants Tripp to have a father figure."

Preferably, hanging stuffed on a wall in the home office!

Bristol said she was worried about telling her mother that she's engaged to Levi, a problem she obviously solved by spilling the beans on the cover of a popular celebrity trashloid instead.

“We got engaged two weeks ago. It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents.”

"Sarah and Todd Palin have not given their blessing to this wedding. In fact, Us Weekly asked Levi, ‘Did you ask for Bristol’s hand?’ and he said, ‘No. I know that if I had, Sarah and Todd would have said no.'"

Actually, Sarah would have said, not on your stinkin' life Mr. Ricky Hollywood, ya media whorin' no good slimy rat bastard! And Todd would have nodded and grunted ummm hmmm, lest he unleash "angry" Sarah upon his poor shattered soul and bruised 'n battered body.

But alas, tabloid-splattered love conquers all, even starry-eyed offspring of vicious, spurned Alaskan Shakespearean poetess's, whose living, breathing prose comes in 140 character (max) blasts of rogue flavored fun!

“I came home from work one day, and there was tons of flowers all over my room, and there’s flowers, like rose petals, in the shape of a heart on my bed,” Bristol said. “Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.”

Bristol didn’t even have to think about her response, “There was no hesitation at all.”

Now that's Mama's girl!

Act impulsively now, regret later!

 "What I've done is starting to sink in, and every family member of mine has some concerns -- and that is scaring me."

Not to mention the 500 collective shotguns between the six of 'em!

"My dad is on the same page as my mom: they don't want to see me get hurt. They don't want to see again what I already went through with Levi."

Good grief, girl! When are you going to understand it is not about you, it is about her? Always!

"People are more worried for me than excited for me."

I can't possibly imagine what on earth for??

Surely, not because of my long history of rash, bad decisions, inherent genetic defects, toxic Barracuda rearing, and burning, subconscious urges to show Mama Bear how a real mother neglects and damages their first born precious miracles of God (or drunken regret) by repeating a slightly tweaked version of mama's same mistakes.

Of course, it is not yet known whether the mother of the bride, Sarah Palin, will attend or if she is indeed the heartless, ice cold wretch of the snowy North we feared she was, whose big ego, selfish whims, and petty jealousy keep her away from this holy ceremony of matrimony, and leave her baby-makin' baby bride-to-be Bristol, a motherless cub with nothing but a white Carolina Herrera gown to comfort her on her most blissful wedding day?

But either way, the Bristol-Levi wedding bash is gonna be the hottest thing to hit Alaska since like...ever, or at least since God pointed his finger at that sacred spot so many years ago and went kablooey!

“It’s going to be the wedding of the century in Alaska. Our version of Princess Diana and Prince Charles’ wedding,” a Palin family friend told Us Weekly. “Everyone would kill to get an invite even if it means having to buy them an expensive gift. It’s just too bad that her mother has refused to attend. Although I can’t say I blame her after everything that boy has put her through.”

Sniffle, I get teary-eyed just thinking about it! Like how it feels just terrible to get sold out by loved ones for a little money and fame. Like they always say, nothing heals a broken heart quite like petty revenge, or was it time?

But whatever, nothing a pricey wedding gift can't solve, since everyone knows gifts are the most important part about entering into a sacred union with another person for the rest of your life. Duh!

But wait, what's this we hear about First Dude Todd's going rogue??

“With or without Sarah, Todd will be walking his daughter down the aisle,” the family friend said. “He has been looking forward to this day ever since Bristol was a little girl and wouldn’t miss it for anything or anyone.”

Aww, how sweet! Todd is going to put on his galoshes, grab his sled, and mush her to the alter! Will go perfectly with li'l Tripp and Levi's matching camo vests!

Too bad Sarah will likely lay a moose egg over Todd's li'l fatherly sleigh ride to the alter, and probably tweet her divorce to him later that day.

“It just feels right to be a family,” Bristol said. Err, or at least until next week's issue hits the stands and all hell breaks loose.

The famousest First Family of the Final Frontier's foremost frozen meth lab, and abandoned soul-crushing spawn place of Sarah, the one and only, wondrous Wasilla!

Even if its star attraction, Mama grizzly can't make it.

She'll simply adore his wicked, new R&B ballad "After Love" and its accompanying sexy new music video about a...wait for it..."loony interfering mom," of all things!

In conceiving the video, director Evan Winter admitted that he "riffed off [Johnston's] real-life situation." It shows a couple sharing "tender moments before they are driven apart by the young woman’s mother," the Associated Press reports. "Unaware that her mom’s interference forced her boyfriend to go, she throws herself into her mother’s arms. She tells her mother that she was wrong about Levi."

OMG, looks like Levi's joined wifey Bristol as America's other most prominent young actor. Guess she's not the only one with the acting chops and talent to make it as a real, live teevee star around here!

It's like Mama P always said, the show must go on!

And a sweet, well-mannered boy like Levi Johnston would never disappoint the ol' ma-in-law.

Which means, Sarah darling's gonna have to wait another two years (uh, how long those term thingys last again?) 'til she's (finally!) President and can have that darn boy killed already, and all traces of his existence destroyed!

Ooooh, looks like someone just thought of the perfect (surprise) anniversary gift, to boot!

OMG! Breaking News: Levi Johnston & Bristol Palin Are Back In Love, & Everything Bad He Said Was A Lie, Until Their Next Break Up

America's favorite spurned, tell-all baby daddy and almost X-rated Alaskan answer to Scott Brown, hunky heartthrob Levi "Almost Showed My" Johnston wants you to know all those mean, terrible, private things he said about the Palins, specifically sweet matriarch Sarah Palin, were actually mere figments of his wild, teenage imagination and he's deeply sorry for all the pain, trouble, anguish, anger, or ill effects he may have inadvertently caused the family. When he slipped and fell into every teevee interview and talk show around to say some juicy stuff about how Sarah is really a crazy, cold-hearted wench and so on and so forth.

Accidentally when he was still all sad and upset-like 'cause of his break-up with Bristol and the whole crazy Tripp thing (like fatherhood, weird!) and said some, umm, things he shouldn't have said.

Especially if he knew he was gonna get back together with Bristol and the gang!

"Last year, after Bristol and I broke up, I was unhappy and a little angry. Unfortunately, against my better judgment, I publicly said things about the Palins that were not completely true," he said. "I have already privately apologized to Todd and Sarah. Since my statements were public, I owe it to the Palins to publicly apologize."

What those things were exactly, he wouldn't say, but whatever the lies were, he is certainly the sorriest young high school hockey star and famousest father in all of Alaska! Besides, he needs to stay mum in case he ever needs leverage for future baby-momma drama (although we're certain they'll live happily ever after!).

He would never ever do a thing like that again, or at least until the next time he is shamefully cast off by the Sopalins for being a slutty man whore with a big mouth who gossips like some high school heartthrob after breaking up with his girlfriend because of her psycho mother.

His hot, sexy, amateur actress girlfriend whose star-making performance playing the non-gifted, white trash version of brilliant cellist Yo-Yo Ma means she can finally give the whole abstinence crusade thing a rest and get back to doing what she does best: screwing the bejesus out of beau Levi, whenever Mama's off on a hunt or hoarding cash in the Lower 48 for freedom!

Bristol, who has finally gotten the hang of how the whole Palin family ghostwritten public statement thing works, added her "own" professionally crafted response, saying: "Part of co-parenting is creating healthy and honest relationships between the parents. Tripp one day needs to know the truth and needs to know that even if a mistake is made the honorable thing to do is to own up to it."

Got it Johnston?

Okay, okay, sorry Tripp for getting drunk, not wrapping up the goods, and nine months later having a special, li'l miracle of God I never really wanted but lost the receipt so can't return, ugh. A total bummer but Bristol says he's real cute 'n stuff, and I can teach him to play hockey and hunt and how to ding dong ditch with flaming bags of moose dung, so we'll see. Who knows, maybe it won't be too bad after all!

And now that Mama's off Facebookin' for freedom 'cross America, Bristol and Levi are free to be the two made-for-each-other love birds, and underage sex machines everyone knows they should be.

“Bristol and Levi are still very close,” a source close to Bristol, 19, tells Us. The eldest daughter to former Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin claimed in the June issue of Harper’s Bazaar that ex Johnston, 20, was “a stranger to me.”
But the source reveals, “Now that Mama Palin is out of the picture and Bristol is on her own in Anchorage, they spend more time together than most people think.”

Oooooh, does that mean they're doing DOING IT????

Because we all know what happened the last time Mama Bear was too busy ruining running Alaska to monitor her eldest daughter's sexual behavior.

But wait, maybe the pair is just trying to spend more time together with li’l Tripp?

Adds the source: “Levi even stays overnight. I even think they are back together.”

Like making steamy, unprotected sexytime back together?

"So to the Palin family in general and to Sarah Palin in particular, please accept my regrets and forgive my youthful indiscretion," Johnston said. "I hope one day to restore your trust."

So I can return to my rightful place inside your daughter, continue reproducing tons o' li'l Tripps and Triggers, and restore my suddenly cold-as-Wasilla sex life back to its mainland warmth.


Which means the whole world can breathe a collective sigh of relief knowing it's favoritest pair are back on (top of each other?) and can reclaim their well-deserved title as America's #1 Sweethearts, now that Al and Tipper have so cruelly tossed their title in the gutter, and crushed our belief in love and God.

Yay!

But wait! Not so fast, says Levi's sister Mercede, who took to her awesome new blog to hit back at the Levi Johnston faux apology tour to get back into Sarah's good graces and Bristol's designer pants.

"After about four hours of fun out on a four-wheeler I finally stopped someplace where there was a clear signal and checked my I-phone. I found that I had received a number of messages, but there was one which caught my attention, immediately made my heart beat faster, and brought a tear to my eye."

"The message was from my mother saying that Levi, who has not spoken to us since he rekindled his relationship with Bristol (although we had attempted repeatedly to call or text him), left a message saying that if I did not take my blog down by Wednesday that I would never get to see him, or Tripp, again."

"I could not believe it! I thought to myself if he was really willing to make such a threat that he would at least have the decency to call me and talk about it first. I mentioned on my blog repeatedly that my intention was not to hurt or attack the Palins, but to speak out and tell the public my side of the story. As well as how badly my life, and the lives of our family members, had been impacted by our association with the Palins."

"It had my mind spinning. How could my brother threaten me like this?"

Oh no! Levi has forgotten who his real non-rich and famous celebrity family is! Now, he will never return to his familial frozen meth lab roots in Wasilla! How can you do this, Levi?

I wish Levi could be the man I know he is and have a mind of his own and finally stand his ground, but I guess he is blinded by love. I just wish he would take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Like how Bristol and Levi are totally back together, true love conquers all, or at least whatever couldn't be accomplished by drilling, baby drilling Levi's fragile, hunky brain with evil Palin Family brainwashing.

Unlike every other idiot teenage couple who got knocked up in America, Bristol and Levi have publicists who talk to the national media when their romantic status changes. Which means, we won't have to rely on the poor man's journylism of Mercede Johnston's blog, the savvy investigatory prowess and unparalleled determination of Us Weekly, or the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to keep us informed of this very special moment in American history.

And maybe, just maybe, if every last man, woman, and child (special needs and otherwise) in America tries their very hardest (and prays every night) to break the evil Sarah spell, Levi Johnston will one day be able to break free from the strings of Palin puppethood (or is it parenthood?), and once again be a real live boy, err make that, real, live Playboy centerfold.

$arah Palin Knows, Yes We Can, Spill Baby Spill!

National oil whore $arah Palin knows a thing or two about spillin' baby spillin' barrels of delicious petroleum up 'n down America's southern coast, because one time back in 1989, when Exxon Valdez was drillin' baby drillin' all over Prince William Sound, the exact same thing happened to her wonderful Alaska, for Pete's sake!

And like all this fish and other awesome Alaskan treasures got covered in layers of luxurious oil, and it was like a big, warm slippery bath, except everything came out dead, not clean, in the end.

So, like oops!

But Sarah totally knows how y'all feel, what with your once-thriving beaches and lush deltas being devastated by thick, toxic ooze, which in the dense, marshy wetlands of Louisiana and Florida, is like a zillion times worse than when these "things" happen off the frozen, jagged coast of Antarctica Alaska or whatever. And even then, everything is still screwed up for at least a generation!

Err, if you believe the elitist mainstream media that is, who sweet $arah knows are probably lying anyway:

The cord-grass marshes of south Louisiana are nurseries for baby shrimp, stalking grounds for blue crabs, and barriers that slow down waves before they bite off more of the mainland. On Friday, they were becoming defenseless sponges for sticky, dark oil. Scientists said the enormous slick had the potential to bring environmental ruin to this treasured coastline.

The oil is spilling out of the seafloor at 5,000 barrels a day -- the equivalent of 210,000 gallons -- maybe much more, from a well about 50 miles out in the Gulf of Mexico, and it could soon eclipse the volume of the infamous Exxon Valdez spill in 1989. That disaster spilled oil onto rocky Alaskan beaches, but it is at least possible to wash oil off a rock. In the Gulf, the oil is floating into wetlands that could hold on to its toxins for years.

One environmentalist said the scenario created "a potential mega-disaster."

"The magnitude and the potential for ecological damage is probably more great than anything we've ever seen in the Gulf of Mexico," said Nancy Rabalais, a scientist who heads the Louisiana Universities Marine Consortium, a research center in Cocodrie, La. "Once it hits the shoreline, it'll get into everything."

It's wacky I know!

If she wasn't so busy TweetBookin' 'bout why America needs to drill here, drill now! she might even head down to the nice folk there, staring out at the massive, drifting fire ball now the size of New Hampshire to help out.

Because legend has it that when Sarah was just wee, wide-eyed, newly-eloped Wasilla gal, and that whole Exxon Valdez thing happened, the Barracuda headed down with a hockey stick and bag o' cotton balls and cleaned the whole mess up herself, using the same hand she now writes notes on for her world-famous speeches.

"There's a lot at risk here," said Jane Lubchenco, who heads the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. She noted that 40 percent of the coastal wetlands in the continental United States are in Louisiana. "Ninety-seven percent of commercial fish and shellfish in the Gulf depend on estuaries and wetlands during their life cycle," she said.

"I'm going to be honest with you, it's got a lot of people very fearful," said Avery Bates of the Organized Seafood Association of Alabama in Bayou la Batre. He said the slick was expected to hit their stretch of coastline Sunday.

"Petroleum and seafood," Bates said, "do not go together."

Much like oil company wind-up dolls advocatin' reckless, dangerous policies they do not understand on social networking sites, in 140 characters or less.

But one thing Miss runner-up Alaska does know for sure, besides Jesus loves America bestest, is that "all industry efforts must be employed," even if she isn't.

Employed that is.

And sorry, makin' stuff up as the newest flake on Faux News doesn't count as an actual job.

$arah Palin's Quest To Bring Down 22-Year-Old Cyber Menace Who Guessed Her Yahoo! Password Two Years Ago

Awful arctic drifter $arah Palin is apparently getting bored making boatloads of money by quitting her day job(s) so she can put all her energies into doing what she does best: nothing!

Except, of course, when using her vast political knowledge and expertise on all security matters to help bring to justice a terrible blight on humanity, an evil elitist college student who discovered her dumb e-mail password was easier to penetrate than daughter Bristol, and managed to upload a few screen shots to some obscure web forum, leading to a day or two of harmless pranks, thus compromising the security of the entire United States.

Sarah Palin testified Friday against a 22-year-old man accused of hacking into her e-mail account, saying later it's up to the judge to decide whether he should serve prison time if convicted.

Palin testified that the hacking compromised one of the main ways she communicated with her family back in Alaska as she campaigned in 2008 as the Republican vice presidential candidate. Outside the courthouse, when asked whether she thought community service was punishment enough rather than prison, she said, "That's up to the judge."

Former University of Tennessee student David Kernell faces up to 50 years in federal prison if convicted of identity theft, mail fraud and two other felony charges. His lawyer has called the case a prank, not a crime.

Asked outside court if she thought the charges against Kernell were excessive, Palin said, "I don't know, but I do think there should be consequences for bad behavior."

Like having a baby out of wedlock before graduating high school and being rewarded with a cushy job as president of your own PR firm as the harsh consequence of your careless actions?? Or something like that.

Either way, this type of criminal behavior must be stopped (at all costs!) before more innocent people get hurt by this out-of-control cyber madman hellbent on humiliating $arah and the entire precious Palin family by correctly guessing her incredibly easy e-mail password hint two years ago. Hooray!

The former Alaska governor testified that she used the "gov.palin" Yahoo account and a Blackberry for almost all communication with her family while campaigning as the 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee.

Palin's husband, Todd, listened as she testified. Their daughter Bristol testified earlier this week that she got harassing calls and text messages after screen shots of e-mail from the account revealed her cell phone number.

A former Palin aide also described receiving vulgar e-mails.

Kernell isn't accused of the harassment. But prosecutors say he improperly gained access to Palin's e-mail account in September 2008 by correctly providing her birth date and ZIP code and correctly answering that Wasilla is where she met her husband.

The nerve of that guy Kernell, using the vast knowledge he acquired reading the first two sentences of her Wikipedia page to unlock the secrets of $arah's mind, and correctly answer "Wasilla High" as the super-secret place where she met her hunky husband Todd.

Surely, the CIA should know about this ingenious college code cracker, who could dismantle a nuclear bomb with his savvy ability to outsmart Yahoo's stealthy "Change Your Password Scheme" by guessing what mind-blowingly obvious password a vapid, former half-term governor would pick to ensure the highest levels of security for the free online e-mail service on which she conducts official state business, and other very important matters like the next high ranking Alaskan official to be blackballed for slighting her highness.

One would think $arah would simply be embarrassed that the so-called "hacker" was able to pull off the heist by possessing two widely available things: a knowledge that the series of tubes known as the Internets in fact exists, and a half hour or so of free time.

Most people would be, but not our sweet $arah!

Instead, $arah can reset her password to something a tad more challenging like lipstick, maverick, teabag, retarded, moose stew, Facebook, teleprompter, or, if she wants to be really secure, hopey-changey, and the hapless college student will probably rot in a jail cell for the next fifty years or so.

And $arah Palin will get even richer off this faux-victimization act, justice will be served, and all will be right in the world.

You betcha!

Bristol Palin's Very Important Public Service Announcement Warning Poor People To Pause Before Having Abortions

Hey America, it's me, Bristol coming to you live (and most certainly edited) to give you, the public, a very important public service announcement about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty, decide to get drunk and make maverick (aka no jimmy hat) sexytime with hotty boy toy Levi Johnston in the back of Papa Todd's pickup.

Now, imagine for a moment, if you were not the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin, and didn't have moose piles of money layin' around, and your hair went from being silky smooth and beautiful to ugly and frizzy, and all your decorative animal carcass furniture was magically taken away by invisible, probably liberal, hands??

Then maybe you too would think twice (which is one more than once!) about whippin' out the hooha every time Levi gets a hankerin' and mom's off shootin' mammals or makin' a quick buck in the mainland.

Or you my li'l pistol, may find yourself miserable and alone, wearing a plain white t-shirt with no fancy designer labels, and nothing but a ratty sofa and precious li'l miracle of Jesus to call your own.

So please America, take it from Bristol and PAUSE BEFORE YOU PLAY...

Then feel free to have tons of meaningless, unprotected sex, and if you're gross, and not famous, and also pathetically poor, probably go ahead and have that abortion too.

Or keep your precious li'l miracle of one drunken night of bad judgment, use Mommy's money to launch your very own one-woman abstinence-only crusade (encouraging people to do the opposite of what you did), and remain the famously unwed teenage mother of the next weirdo-named (accidental) heir to the Alaskan throne.

For freedom!

Thanks To Discovery, Sarah Palin's Reality Is Now The Whole World's Reality!

When magical Alaskan wonderwoman Sarah Palin was first thrust upon us, the unsuspecting masses, by a senile old man in the final throes of his desperate campaign to stave off creeping dementia and (not-so) early retirement, our immediate thoughts were who is this breathtaking woman and where the hell has she been our whole lives?

Truth is, sweet Sarah was already well on her way to fame and fortune as the well-respected, bright, shining star of local KTUU-TV in Alaska, until her obvious lack of talent and brainpower prevented her from assuming the coveted full time spot as Anchorage's fan favorite anchor of the snowy North, and our lovely maverick decided to try her hand at the whole "politics" thing instead. Ya know, for fun!

So, after her brief stint as mayor of the abandoned, former gun factory and methamphetamine lab known as Wasilla, before coming thisclose to completing a full elected term as governor of the entire majestic snow factory and stalwart Russian buffer, Alaska, Sarah Barracuda is back where she always wanted to be: in the spotlight and well on her way to capturing her first (of many) coveted basic cable versions of a Daytime Emmy award.

Yes, this darling defender of both 'special needs' children and 'special' adults who scribble cheat sheets on their hand, has struck a deal with the evil, arugula eating elitists at the Discovery Channel to make a reality teevee show about the only Alaskan thing anyone cares about: its favoritest export, the one, the only, multi-talented maverick herself, Sarah Barracuda Palin.

Woohoo!

Now the whole wide world can learn all about the wondrous land of helicopter hunts and moose stew, where nothing comes between God and man except a fur-lined parka and whatever hapless creature (or liberal) happens to wander into the cross hairs of Sarah's Remington rifle, and ends up decoratively hanging on the wall of her home office.

Even better than this new, educational teevee show starring Caribou Barbie on a fishing boat, is the cha-ching! little Miss Conservationist will make for her small-screen primetime debut, meaning her patriotic efforts to help the nice oil companies "drill, baby drill" wherever good, old-fashioned AMERICAN oil is found may no longer be necessary.

"Sarah Palin's Alaska will center on interesting characters, traditions and attractions in the 49th state -- with the ex-VP candidate as a guide. Producer Mark Burnett and Palin pitched the show to all four major networks -- but given the travelogue nature of the series, cable expressed more interest in the project."

The show is believed to have fetched more than $1 million an episode--not bad for someone whose longest work experience consists of posting on Facebook, has a small habit of quitting EVERYTHING she ever starts, and not doin' so hot when asked actual questions, instead of relying on her usual repertoire of winks, snaps, and hilarious ghostwritten witticisms she had Meg Stapleton tattoo her palm before she upped and quit too! Those crazy rogues!

Perhaps also influencing her decision to choose Discovery over A&E (other than an actual contract), was Palin's concern over being lumped in with some of A&E's other luminaries such as Gene Simmons or Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Lest the public get the wrong idea she actually works for her money and has expertise on anything other than how to have your high school teenage daughter get knocked up, abandoned by her baby daddy (so he can follow his porn star dreams), and in charge of her brand new PR firm and abstinence-only education crusade about how you too can have your very own precious miracle of God drunken one night stand sans the jimmy hat.

Besides, doesn't Sarah already have her own reality TV show? Think it's called the news.

Sarah Goes Hollywood! Snags Swag While Shopping Reality TV Show On Her Favoritest Subject: Herself!

Oh Sweet Sarah, does your goodness know no bounds?

Sacrificing her precious time and energy to go to that terrible liberal cesspool Hollywood just to dazzle the Tonight Show crowd with the hilarious jokes she didn't write before heading over to the "Oscar gift suite" to scoop up piles of fancy clothes and cosmetics that somebody else paid for, and who knows maybe even get the guy who produced that Survivor game show to make a special reality show about her, Sarah Palin, to make even more money for, you guessed it, Sarah Barracuda Palin.

That's right, folks!

But first things first. Lest she be rude and offend her gracious hosts, Sarah must fulfill her patriotic duty as an American by partaking in all traditions Hollywood, like collecting even more free goodies she didn't earn or deserve. Hooray!

Palin and an entourage of 20 visited the Oscar gifting suite and "were like locusts" according to one eyewitness. "She kind of cleaned the place out, grabbing items like United Hair care products, jewelry from Pascal Mouawad, Skagen watches, and 40 pairs of AIAIAI earphones."

"She insisted every person in her huge entourage get something, and there were assistants, nannies, security - insanity!"

Sarah, insanity? No freakin' way!

Of course, darling, good Samaritan Sarah was supposed to donate $1,700 and all of her gift items to the Red Cross, but according to E! Online, "we can assure you she did not give up any of her swag."

Well, excuuuuse her if she doesn't believe in Socialism!

Besides, she's just trying to get her Kim Kardashian on to prepare for life on the small screen as the new star of her own reality TV show, The Alaska Experiment (We Now Regret).

Entertainment Weekly reports:

Multiple sources confirm that Palin and uber-reality show producer Mark Burnett have been making the rounds in Hollywood this week to pitch a TV docudrama about Alaska. One source called it a "Planet Earth-type look" at Palin’s home state.

Yay! Does this mean we get to see Sarah calling li'l Trigger a "retard" (satirically of course) while shooting endangered wolves from a helicopter as she gets her hair styled, and Todd hunts for moose on his snowmobile below, while Bristol and the rest of the Palin daughters continue to get knocked up and go on fun abstinence tours across America? Hey, whatever it takes to get the hell out of Wasilla, right?

Unfortunately, the elitist big suits over at the big three, ABC, NBC, and CBS, think the kind of low-budget reality programming she's shopping is better suited to basic cable, or wherever they air 'nature' shows starring psycho wingnuts who rape Mother Earth (drill, baby drill!) and know tasty sentient beings were created for our barbecuing pleasure because, "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?"

Now how you gonna argue with brilliance like that?

Besides, she'll just quit halfway through the first season. She's so rogue like that.

Sarah Palin Ditches Facebook to Become True 21st Century Fox

If ya can't beat em, join 'em

Sarah Palin, who decided to up and leave her cozy, bear skin seat in Alaska's Governor's Mansion in order to bash the evil media 24/7 on Facebook, has now opted to throw in the towel on the social networking scene to join the dark side (along with the rest of her fellow washed-up wingnuts) as the latest contributor to the downfall of broadcast journalism as Fox News' brilliant, hot, new television pundit.

But, don't worry America, she's not selling out or anything because everyone knows Fox News isn't really news anyway. Oh, you betcha!

Now, America's most precious Alaskan import will be able to wail and moan about Obama's evil death panels (to murder Grandma and baby Trig) and the meanies from the McCain campaign who had the audacity to tell her to open a book before humiliating herself and the party in live debates on national television at the nation's top-rated cable news channel instead of through her very important Facebook page. Yay!

In a press release announcing the deal (Sarah doesn't do the whole "live" thing), Palin said she is is over-the-moon about the opportunity to be a contributor at Fox News.

"I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News. It's wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news."

Not to mention, a place that doesn't require the pesky liberal concoction known as facts.

Palin will appear as a commentator on various Fox shows and will also host an occasional program examining inspirational tales involving ordinary American citizens called "Real American Stories.

Ooooh, a real American story!! Since the Palins are the epitome of a normal American family, ya know, complete with a dysfunctional, loveless marriage, an unwanted teen pregnancy, a baby daddy pursuing his porn career posing in Playgirl, a snowmobiling secessionist father who calls himself First Dude, a rogue mother who is God's personal messenger on Earth, can see Russia from her front porch but isn't sure what the hell Africa is besides the name of the chart-topping single by 80s rockband Toto.

Unlike the rest of the anti-American socialist families out there whose kids actually go to college after high-school and aren't well-versed on all the delicious ways you can serve the freshly-skinned moose you just shot and gutted right outside your front door.

Weirdos.

On The Sixth Day HE Created Sarah...And On The Seventh, She Went Rogue

Like a beautiful snowflake, Sarah Palin has drifted into our lives, a glistening hexagonal prism of symmetry and ice sent from the Lord to fill our world with wonder and wisdom.

Like Sarah, each precious star-shaped ice and crystal blend, having formed in the high clouds of the atmosphere before floating down as the frozen water molecule miracles of God we see today, is unique unto itself.

Also much like Sarah, these seemingly simple but always beautiful structures are created, quite literally, out of thin air.

Which totally explains things!

Like how this delightful Alaskan ice princess could be one missed beta-blocker away from being the leader of the free world and still not know the difference between those two pesky "I" countries in the Muslim East.

When asked by dear friend and Fox News host Sean Hannity what can be done to prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons, Palin naturally responded by suggesting we get tough with Iraq.

"We have allies who are as concerned about Ahmadinejad's actions as we are. We need to be working closer with France, and with Britain, and start, not just considering, but seriously taking steps towards the sanctions that we hear all about but we never see any actions towards, though."

"Cutting off the imports into Iraq, of their refined petroleum products. They're reliant--40 to 45 percent of their energy supply is reliant on those imports. We have some control over there."

"And some of the beneficial international monetary deals that Iraq benefits from--we can start implementing some sanctions there and start really shaking things up, and telling Ahmadinejad, nobody is going to stand for this."

You go girl! Except for that one tiny little fact that in everyone else's reality, Iraq is different from Iran, and as it turns out, also not the country Ahmadinejad is president of. Oops, beginners' mistake!

Don't worry shimmer flake! We still love you.

If it wasn't for the radiant brilliance of your sweet crystalline self, how would we ever know such shining pearls of wisdom like this Going Rogue gem:

"If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?"

Exactly! I mean why else would God invent tasty sentient beings unless He wanted us to pump 10 rounds of high grade Remington bullets into them and toss 'em on the barbie??

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em: Sarah Palin Goes Rogue With Elitist Media Queen Oprah

Rogue author and GOP sexpot from the snowy north Sarah Palin graced us sinners and traitors in the Lower 48 to talk about her favorite subject other than herself (no not Facebook, Levi Johnston of course!) on that popular chocolate lady's television show, Orpah, Oprah or whatever it's called.

Speaking to the talk show queen, the queen of Alaska had some choice words for baby daddy and former Bristol beau, Levi Johnston's (or shall we say Ricky Hollywood's) recent extracurricular activities.

Un-Christian activities such as running around like some cheap media whore and engaging in "aspiring porn" when he should be spending quality time with his 11-month old son, Tripp.

Let's not mince words here. Sarah Palin knows sexual deviance when she sees it and Levi err Ricky's little bare-all Playgirl photo shoot, featuring not one but two "hockey sticks," is exactly that.

"I call that porn," Palin explained, adding that "some of the things that he is doing is kind of heartbreaking."

However, Palin said that she continues to "hope for the best, and pray for Levi," before blasting the no-good lying bastard for shirking his duties as a father in order to hobnob with the elitist media to promote his new-found ambitions as an actor, model, and professional nudist.

"He hasn’t seen the baby much while he has been on his media tours," Palin said.

But his legs aren't the only thing Levi's been spreading. How about all those terrible lies about Sarah's perfectly wonderful family?? None of which have even a single grain of truth to them, she'll have you know!

When asked about her plans for 2012, Palin said that a presidential run in two years is "not on my radar screen right now."

“I am dealing with so many issues that are important to me," she said. "What I am seeing every day is that you don’t need a title to be important."

Or as you taught us, sweet Sarah, you don't need to be important to have a title.

You just need a hot bod, nice shade of lipstick, minimum brain activity, radical views and a desperate old man willing to bet the house on an untested Alaskan maverick who listens only to the soothing voice of Jesus Christ...and Glenn Beck. Oh and snagging that $7 million signing bonus didn't hurt either.

Sarah Palin's Much-Anticipated Assault On Literature Slated For November

Rejoice America! The release date for Sarah Palin's much-anticipated new "book" has been moved up from spring 2010 to Nov. 17 because the world simply cannot wait one another second to devour all 400 wisdom-filled pages from Alaska's sexiest import.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Sarah Palin and her loyal ghostwriter Lynn Vincent, the dynamic duo were able to complete the former governor's new memoir "Going Rogue: An American Life" just four months after the book deal was announced. You betcha!

"Governor Palin has been unbelievably conscientious and hands-on at every stage, investing herself deeply and passionately in this project," said Jonathan Burnham, publisher of Harper. "It's her words, her life, and it's all there in full and fascinating detail."

Well, almost her words. Never mind the fact that not a single page was written by the lovely Miss Palin, but rather by former Navy air-traffic controller and renowned ghostwriter Lynn Vincent of "Donkey Cons: Sex, Crime, and Corruption in the Democratic Party" fame. But then again, a book with nothing but pigs wearing lipstick illustrations interspersed with various truncated action verbs (runnin'/playin'/huntin') to describe a certain maverick superstar from the snowy north with some of the most bad-ass winking skills this side of the Arctic, doesn't exactly sound like an award-winner.

For those of you who were in a coma, on the bridge to nowhere, or living outside the metropolis of Wasilla during the presidential elections, the term "going rogue" is more than just the ingeniously witty title of Sarah's new literary abomination.

It also of course refers to the criticism some McCain adviser used to describe Palin's erratic and potentially destructive behavior during the end of the 2008 campaign when she did whatever she could to seal the old man's fate as a perennial presidential loser--while still advancing her own (political?) career as the maverick reformer who quit governing Alaska to join Facebook full-time.

So, while Sarah's juicy, soon-to-be-released memoir (do I smell Pulitzer?) may be soaring up the bestseller lists, (holding the No. 3 spot on Amazon just behind Glenn Beck's "Arguing with Idiots: How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government") and worth every penny of the $7 million advance she pocketed, her success on the lecture circuit hasn't exactly fared as well.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/28/sarah-palin-memoir-going-_n_302246.html

Aside from the hefty $100,000 fee this small-town values gal from Wasilla demands, many of the major venues are taking a pass on Miss Palin.

"The big lecture buyers in the US are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she is a blithering idiot."

"Palin is so uninteresting to so many groups -- unless they are interested in moose hunting," one industry expert explained. "What does she have to say? She can't even describe what she reads."

That's okay. Thanks to her 432-page war on the written word, we can't either.

Sarah Brings Main Street To The Mainland, Err Close Enough

And how did our lovely Alaskan doll do on her first ever trip to the magical land of Asia?? Did she dazzle the world’s leading investors who came from near and far to hear what infinite pearls of wisdom the foremost political and business minds on earth--minds like Sarah Barracuda Palin--had to say at this year's CLSA Asia Pacific Markets Forum?

Before we say anything, let's start with a big congratulations. We're just excited Sarah actually made it to Hong Kong without pulling the usual Sarah Palin-Meg Stapleton stunt of canceling last-minute and pretending to have never been invited in the first place. So kudos, Sarah, for passing the physical presence test with flying colors. That's the good news!

The bad news is also that she actually showed up. So, was the $170,000 to $220,000 Alaskan princess' speaking fee worth the price of one of her pre-RNC convention Wasilla-to-Minneapolis transformation shopping spree?

Hell yeah, if you like your speeches "long, humorless, George W. Bush-like and sounding unmistakably like a pitch for 2012."

Described by some as “safe” and by others as “uncomfortable," several audience members reportedly walked out of Ms Palin’s speech 30 minutes before the end, citing “more important things to do” or describing the talk as “too partisan and too much like a speech at the Republican convention.” Hey, their loss, right?

But those who stayed for all 80 painful minutes of the super-secret Sarah speech got to hear such coherent thoughts as USA! USA! USA! China, be good. China, cool it. Easy there, China. China's awesome and gave us chopsticks, but should share the Asia better. Barack Obama BAD. America and China GOOD! And she didn't even mention Facebook once! Maybe that's why people were so upset??

Or was it the lack of opportunity to fire any questions at Ms. Palin during her very publicly hush-hush, off-limits to the media, yet carefully-crafted for a global television audience speech?

“You would think that with her team of speechwriters and a supposedly media-free environment Palin could have afforded to be either funny or thought-provoking, but she was neither,” one senior fund manager said.

“This was about an obviously ambitious wannabe presidential candidate laying down a marker on her weak spot of foreign policy,” another added. “I think we are going to hear something very similar to this speech trotted-out again in different places over the next months and years.”

Yeah!! But only if she promises to keep "calling it like she sees it and sharing with us candidly her view right from Main Street, Main Street USA!" And saying things like "Common sense tells you that when you're in a hole, you have to stop digging."

But answer me this, Sarah. If everyone did that, how would anyone ever get to China?

Will Sarah Palin Quit On Asia Too?

Guess who's going to Asia? That's right! America's cuddly ice bunny from the Snowy North is heading to the Far East--to Hong Kong (of all places)--to serve the people!

Luckily, Sarah got her passport just in time to make the journey to the magical continent of Asia where she will say smart and funny things to investors of the brokerage firm CLSA Asia-Pacific Markets, much like Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and Alan Greenspan before her.

“Our keynote speakers are notable luminaries who often address topics that go beyond traditional finance such as geopolitics,” company spokeswoman Simone Wheeler said in a statement.

She said the conference aimed to present investors "a diversity of views that potentially influence decision-makers who help shape the markets."

“We just felt it would be a fabulous opportunity for CLSA clients to hear from Mrs. Palin,” Wheeler said, adding that CLSA approached Palin with the offer.

Oooh, this is so exciting! Sarah's first commercial speaking engagement and her first trip to magic Asian land--all rolled into one! But since it's tacky to discuss money, her speaking fees were not publicly disclosed. Betcha its a lot though!

The forum will also be closed to the media, and no word on the topic yet. (Please be Twitter, please be Twitter!).

September 23rd is the big day, which means Palin's loyal spokesperson and chronic bearer of bad news Meg Stapleton has approximately until September 23rd (ish) to cancel. And pretend it never existed in the first place. The forum, not Asia, that is.

Why Are America's Event Planners All Out To Get Sarah Palin?

Where in the world is Sarah Barracuda Palin? Alaska's sultry superstar has once again mysteriously disappeared right before she was scheduled to speak at one of her very important fundraisers, this one so slutty teenagers who get knocked up have no choice but to have the baby unless they want to get the ol' parental approval for an abortion.

Now normally Sarah's habit of shirking her duties is limited to elected terms in office, but ever since becoming an unemployed publicity whore and Facebook junkie, Palin's erratic behavior has instead metamorphosed into canceling paid speaking engagements at the very last minute while pretending she was never invited in the first place.

But since this is the "fourth time in recent months that an anticipated Palin speech has fallen through after Palin and her camp disputed they had ever confirmed it," loyal Palin spokesperson Meg Stapleton is used to concocting perfectly good explanations for these embarrassing incidents known as the Sarah Palin experience.

This time it's an event by the Alaska Family Council promoting an Alaska ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion without telling their parents. Organizers of the event have been advertising that Palin would give a speech and become the first official signer of the ballot petition tonight at ChangePoint, the Anchorage megachurch.

Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said Wednesday, that "this is the first we have ever heard of a speech." She said Palin is out of state and won't be there, but naturally declined to provide details on where Palin is and what she is doing.

Alaska Family Council President Jim Minnery said it was news to him that Stapleton was saying Palin had no knowledge of the speech, since organizers have been talking to Palin "contacts" for weeks about it.

"All we can do is take people at their word that we've worked with in the past," Minnery said. "We've been working for several weeks on the event, promoting it very heavily. It would be a grave disappointment if she doesn't show up but the show will still go on."

Well, I'll be damned! This is indeed odd--even by crazy Palin's standards. Either literally hundreds of event organizers across the USA have joined forces in a massive conspiracy to fool the unsuspecting public into believing the Ice Queen herself would be gracing their shindigs with her glorious presence, even though it was just a figment of their imaginations. Or she was so busy protecting Trig from Obama's death panels, defending golden-haired messenger of truth Glenn Beck from the liberal media's unfounded, vicious character assassination, and posting on her favoritest Facebook, that everything else completely slipped her mind!

I mean what other explanation could there possibly be? She's on plug-patrol for Grandma?

Sarah Palin Won't Let Obama's Death Squads Kill Lil' Trigger

In her first "communication" since officially resigning as Empress of Alaska and warning the evil media to quit "makin' things up" like the nasty rumor that America's favorite Alaskan ice duo are going the way of Levi and Bristol, Sarah Palin took to the Internets to rail against President (?) Obama's Nazi-esque health care reform to kill her infant son Trig (gasp!) and all other undesirables, especially retarded babies and old people.

Now, Sarah is understandably very upset about the situation, which is why she took to her favoritest Facebook to warn the nation about Obama's gruesome call for mandatory execution-style murder of all Down Syndrome babies.

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

When lives of precious babies (Palin or otherwise) are at stake, there is absolutely no time for Sarah to worry about specifics such as reality. That's where "official" spokeswoman Meg Stapleton comes in!

When asked where the hell that unemployed Alaskan maverick got her information about Obama's plan to kill Trig, spokeswoman of the year Meg Stapleton pointed to page 425 of the House Democrats' bill, which contains a section referring to, "a list of national and state-specific resources to assist consumers and their families with advance care planning consultation for seniors, including voluntary discussions of living wills, power of attorney, or the decision to reject extraordinary measures of life support.”

At least Herr Öbama could have the decency to say what he actually means instead of hiding his murderous intentions in seemingly benign phrases like "consumers and their families."

Clearly, sociopath Barry's health-care overhaul would not only pressure senior citizens into killing themselves, but also specifically target little Trigger and who knows, probably even Sarah's entire family. I mean how old are her parents anyway? Definitely too old for Obama's tastes, and frankly, mine as well.

Luckily, we have a genius like Sarah to read between the lines and bring us the truth about Obama's death squads. And to think, she almost gave all this up to do something stupid like actually complete her whole elected term as governor. Thank goodness for higher callings!