The Most Nerve-Wracking Moment of George W. Bush’s Presidency Was Throwing A Baseball; Throwing Two Wars & An Economy In The Gutter Is Child's Play

How's That For A Strike?

Human caricature and accidental cowboy president George W. Bush sure had a lot of "nerve-wracking" moments during his 8-year reign showering peace and prosperity smart bombs and death onto the land with his signature combination of utter recklessness and absolute idiocy.

And with the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history, two endless, bloody wars, Hurricane Katrina's drowning of New Orleans, unprecedented trampling of civil liberties, including initiating the most wide-ranging extrajudicial surveillance of American citizens in a generation, authorizing widespread abuses of detainees at Gitmo and various other secret terrorist prisons around the world, all after achieving the narrowest (and most disputed!) presidential victory in history, you'd think he'd have plenty of ripe, juicy memories to choose from!

You'd be wrong. Haha, silly fools! Because, as it turns out, "the most nervous moment" of his presidency—check that, of his entire life—was throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at the 2001 World Series.

From his lips to your ears!

According to his interview with the producers of HBO's documentary Beyond 9/11: Portraits of Resilience, George W. Bush's most heart-pounding, sweat inducing feeling came during that seminal moment the world will never remember forget, Game One of the 2001 Yankees-Diamondbacks world series. That's right, the freakin' Diamondbacks!

The adrenaline was coursing through my veins, and the ball felt like a shotput. And Todd Greene, the catcher, looked really small. Sixty feet and six inches seemed like a half-mile. And anyway, I took a deep breath and threw it, and thankfully it went over the plate. The response was overwhelming. It was the most nervous I had ever been. It was the most nervous moment of my entire presidency, it turns out.

Oh, hahaha, so that's how it turned out!! I always thought it turned out with thousands of Americans dead, even more thousands of Muslim civilians bombed, America's 31st biggest city (but #1 biggest party city!) transformed into a new, modern-day Atlantis, and trillions & trillions of dollars in unpaid war debt!

On the bright side, at least Kanye didn't call him a racist who doesn't care about black people, because that would have been really tragic. Almost as tragic as caring about them enough to actually do anything to, oh, I don't know, maybe help them during one of the worst natural disasters in American history.

Just a thought.

Seriously, that was some fucking pitch, though.

Now, if we could only have figured out a way to strike out the most nerve-wracking moment of his Presidency for the rest of us. I believe it was called the 2000s.

For Once Arkansas Schoolchildren Accomplish Something Besides Morbid Obesity & Lifelong Illiteracy

Much to the rest of the nation's shock and dismay, school kids in the tiny backwater town of Russellville, Arkansas actually managed to learn something during their early years of sub-par public education, other than how to torture small animals and harass anyone whose skin isn't perfectly milky white like Jesus intended.

It's true!

The precocious li'l whippersnappers at Russellville Middle School learned, for example, that Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are two of the worst humans in history, something that many adults haven't yet realized, in America at least. It's pretty much standard knowledge in most other places. like all the smart Socialist European countries.

So being the wise, young minds they are, the students at Russellville Middle School decided to include a list of the "Top 5 Worst People Of All Time" in their yearbook, so they will always remember the truly evil who walked among us. Seems harmless enough, except some of the so-called "adults" in this small Arkansas town are very upset that their smarty-pants kids had the brains balls to rank George W. Bush and Dick Cheney fourth and fifth, respectively, on the all-time terrible people list. How dare they!

Good thing local Fox News affiliate Fox16.com is all over it:

Open up the Russellville Middle School yearbook. You’ll see the students’ pictures, the administration, and a pretty controversial list that’s supposed to be covered with a piece of black tape …. The list is titled “Top 5 worst people of all time.” The top three, in order, are Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, and Charles Manson. Numbers four and five are George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Superintendent Randall Williams calls the list “an oversight.”

What is not an oversight however, is the fact that no matter where in the US of A Fox News decides to bring its "Fair & Balanced" brand of journalism, they still cannot manage to spell "Adolf" correctly. But hey, don't worry, you still get an A for effort, Phox News!

Despite Superintendent Williams best efforts to cover this treachery with a piece of black tape, some of the Arkansas parents are still all hot n' bothered over the list—and not just because they think Dick Cheney is ranked too low, as one would think.

"My problem is the tape can be removed easily," said School Board Member Chris Cloud. Cloud has two kids in the Russellville School District and one brought home the yearbook.
"I'm furious as a parent and as a board member and as a tax payer and as a resident of Russellville," he said. "It's wrong."

Don't worry School Board Member Chris Cloud! From the looks of it, you'll be #5 on next year's list, with a bullet! Plus, with a little practice, hell, who knows, Adolph, err, Adolf Hitler may be sweatin' to stay in that top spot.

But what's even more amazing than Bush 'n Dick rounding out the world's most terrible human beings list is that an entire class of youngsters in Arkansas actually made it to Middle School!

Guess the kids are alright!

Osama Bin Laden Sleeps With The Fishes Thanks To Badass Barry & His Mysterious Ability To Not Be A Total Failure Like The Last Cowboy-In-Chief

Woohoo America, Osama bin Laden is finally as dead as Donald Trump's chances of ever being hired as anything but a bad reality teevee host, courtesy of an elitist red, white, and blue, Obama-approved bullet to the brain by U.S. special forces during a firefight at his secret mansion/military compound in Pakistan. REALLY, GUY!? A SUBURBAN MILLION DOLLAR MANSION?? WTF??

Yes, in addition to murdering innocent men, women, and children in office buildings, Osama bin Laden apparently takes his habitation cues from the Desperate Housewives of Orange County. Ugh the bastard! Hmm, well that explains why Obama couldn't wait for sweeps week or November 2012 to pull this off.

Good thing President Barack Obama takes his cues from bad ass action movies, and as such, overcame his devotion to Allah, Socialism, and poor people to do what the white idiot who proceeded him could not: successfully order our armed forces to take the quivering terror troll out once and for all on his own turf.

WINNING! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! TIGER TERRORIST BLOOD!

So now that the United States has finally killed and disposed of its greatest enemy's corpse which, according to proper Islamic law, naturally means dumping the motherf**ker in the ocean, does this mean we can now stop torturing people in Cuban prison camps and maybe get our civil liberties back?

Meh. Probably a much better (and more popular!) idea is to impale Osama's head on a stick and parade it around Ground Zero. Look at the polls, Obama! Give the people what they want!

The Donald Trump would. Hell, he'd even class the mangled ol' corpse up, replacing that ratty old turban towely thing atop his head with one of his luxurious, thick toupees and providing a signature, instant Donald Trump™ birth certificate before dipping the whole al-Qaeda kit 'n kaboodle in 24k gold to really wow the crowds gathering to chant, "USA! USA! USA!" at various locations across the nation.

Oh and just in case you had any lingering doubts (where's the death certificate, huh??) or were worried that the facts may get muddled, twisted, or drowned out with all that patriotic shrieking, fear not my fellow Americans, for Fox News continues to lead the way in journalistic accuracy and integrity. And they can 'confrim' with 100% certainty that 'Usama Bin Landen' is dead.

Err, wait, make that Obama bin Laden. Ah yes, much better. Keep up the good work, Fox!

And to think, if it wasn't for Fox's relentless pursuit of Barack Obama's real birth certificate/certificate of live birth, he would never have SUCCESSFULLY KILLED BIN LADEN in a massive conspiracy to distract the rest of the world from discovering the truth about his mysterious (secret Muslim terrorist) origins in a Honolulu hospital hump of a camel in the Sahara desert.

I mean if George W. Bush was an illegal alien when he was President of freedom, he would've been able to kill bin Laden, too! With his bare hands, probably!

Big whoop, Obama! For all we know, it was Twitter, not U.S. special forces, that murdered Osama bin Laden (aka Usama bin Landen), just like it overthrew the government of Egypt and turned Sarah Palin into Shakespeare.

It's like Obama said, "America can do whatever we set our minds to." As long as it's killing people. (We're really good at that!) And as long as we have a decade or so to get around to doing it. Then hell yeah, bring on President Badass!

Looks like Osama bin Obama'd. How's that for a Trump card?

Remember When Hope & Change Meant Something Other Than Rope & Hang? Haha, Neither Does Obama!

Remember that tall, dark, and handsome man sweet talking America into falling head over heels for his sexy smile, chocolatey smooth leadership style, and unique ability to formulate complete sentences without the the aid of a teleprompter or Dick Cheney grunting in his ear?

You know, the "hopey changey" one who was gonna restore honor and dignity back to America by pronouncing "nuclear" correctly and not smart bombing random oil-rich Muslim countries in the Middle East for fun and profit, while letting poor black coastal cities in the U.S. drown in murky flood water, Barack Hussein Obama or something?

Neither do we!

Must've been a dream!

Because when we woke up to full-scale labor wars in courtesy of some Kochsucking governor in Wisconsin, continuing troop surges in Afghanistan, tax breaks for billionaire bankers, and Sarah Palin shrieking about drinking the blood of Jewish babies, some lanky black dude calling himself President Obama was suddenly waxing poetic about how the insane abuse/indefinite detention of American citizens is "appropriate," so long as his name is U.S. Army Private Bradley Manning, and he is responsible for WikiLeaking sensitive military material all over the Internets.

What the Obama administration will not tolerate, however, is some pesky longtime public servant, like say, State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley, having the basketballs big enough to commit the unforgivable sin of criticizing the the Pentagon's Soviet-esque solitary confinement, torture, and abuse of Private First Class Bradley Manning as "ridiculous and counterproductive and stupid."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are your manners, P.J.? Didn't all those years of government and military service teach you anything?

Despite what the whiny 'professional left' may lead you to believe, it is never, I repeat, never, acceptable for a high-ranking official to publicly speak out against the secret, sadistic military treatment of anyone, let alone an actual citizen of the U.S. of A, under any circumstances.

It's simply in bad taste! Next time the U.S. government is forcing detainees to wear dog collars, blindfolds, and form naked pyramids, you smile, nod, and keep your stinkin' trap shut, unless you want them to shut it for you, got it Crowley?

Or, you may just find yourself bound, gagged, and shivering stark naked next to your new boyfriend Bradley over at Quantico, if you catch Obama's drift.

We're in the middle of a WikiLeaks War, God damn it, and war is no time for rational thought or peaceful dissent!

So, in Barack Obama’s administration, it’s perfectly acceptable to abuse an American citizen in detention who has been convicted of nothing by consigning him to 23-hour-a-day solitary confinement, barring him from exercising in his cell, punitively imposing “suicide watch” restrictions on him against the recommendations of brig psychiatrists, and subjecting him to prolonged, forced nudity designed to humiliate and degrade. But speaking out against that abuse is a firing offense. Good to know. As Matt Yglesias just put it: “Sad statement about America that P.J. Crowley is the one being forced to resign over Bradley Manning.” And as David Frum added: “Crowley firing: one more demonstration of my rule: Republican pols fear their base, Dem pols despise it.”

True, but you would too if your base consisted of angry, unemployed former Klansmen with AK-47s slung across their chest, instead of arugula eating liberal elitists whose biggest threat is beating you at the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle.

Because, clearly all those hopey changey-type socialists, commies, queers, elitists, abortionists, atheists, hippie-dippie human rights advocates, and American apologists who voted for Barack Obama back in 2008 were really hoping for a president who not only continues such evil George W. Bush freedom-fighting, Stalin-style House of Horror policies as pouring refreshing troughs of water on stacks of naked Iraqi prisoners, but is now actually torturing American citizens and standing up for it, right there from the presidential podium in the White House.

Woohoo! USA! USA! USA! USA! Besides, everyone knows if voting changed anything, they'd probably have made it illegal by now.

Jane Hamsher, one of “the professional left" always stirring up trouble for Obama at the liberal blog FireDogLake, where P.J. Crowley will probably end up working now, writes:

"With his firing of Crowley, Obama makes a mockery of his own claim to be a constitutional scholar who supports transparency in government.”

What ever do you mean?? Thanks to Barry, they use Saran Wrap, not steel chains to bind their political prisoners!

“Other than Obama's tolerance for the same detainee abuse against which he campaigned and his ongoing subservience to the military that he supposedly 'commands,'" Salon’s Glenn Greenwald writes. “It is the way in which this Manning/Crowley behavior bolsters the regime of secrecy and the President's obsessive attempts to destroy whistle blowing that makes this episode so important and so telling.”

Too bad nobody knows what the hell is actually being said, because it's currently chained, gagged, and locked in a padded in Dick Cheney's underground lair 2,500 ft below the surface of the Earth.

“By firing PJ Crowley for the offense of protesting against the sadistic military treatment of Bradley Manning, the president has now put his personal weight behind prisoner abuse,” blogger Andrew Sullivan explains. “The man who once said that forced nudity was a form of torture, now takes the word of those enforcing it over a distinguished public servant.”

Who instead of serving the people, will likely now be serving hard time in Gitmo instead.

How’s that hopey changey thing working out?

Ah, just like Clockwork. Clockwork Orange, that is.

Obama White House Just Can't Decide Whether To Lay Down The Red Carpet Or Lay Themselves Down & Let Republicans Walk All Over Them Instead

It's no secret that when Republicans even so much as threaten to utter the dreaded words Democrats and taxes in the same sentence, diminutive Donkeys from Dover to Denver run screaming for the hills because nothing is more terrifying than a bunch of wild-eyed, salivating, power-starved conservatives painting liberals as crazy spend 'n tax madmen Socialists, regardless of whether it's based in reality or some Grand Old wealthy, whites-only fantasy land.

Of course, being the brave, thick-spined Party of principles that they are, the fightin' Democrats vowed just last week to focus their lame duck legislative efforts on renewing the Bush tax cuts for the middle class only. So it is likely that they'll soon cave completely to Republi—in 3, 2, oh look, they already did!

Because everyone (ahem, the every rich person with a .45 in their pocket and an oil well in their backyard) knows the Republicans' plan to extend all of the Bush income tax breaks — set to expire on January 1, 2011 — including those for the top two income brackets (aka the wealthiest 2 percent of Americans, the richest of the rich, the Crème de la Crème), permanently and post haste, is absolutely crucial to the survival of America, as a ballooning, bloated, unsustainable, grossly unequal, drunken Diva, free from the terrible scourge formerly known as the middle class.

Hooray!

On the other hand, the dumb ol' Democratic (or at least non-faux Dems like Nebraska Nelson) plan has been to extend all rates permanently except those for the top two income brackets, because, well, it's not really all that important to them, anyway! Not to mention would cost $700 billion less than the Republican plan over the next ten years. Which, considering we're dead broke and all, is still pretty damn generous!

Of course, it would have been a whole hell of a lot easier for Democrats to have forced a vote on the tax cuts right before the midterm elections when they still had sizable majorities in both chambers, because even the Republicans realize they can't repeatedly block a middle class tax cut (just so the rich get their much less needed lovin' too!) without looking like complete assholes, eventually.

Which is why the Dems naturally decided to wait until after they lost the House for White House political adviser and resident bad-idea breaker, David Axelrod, to gently let the whole world know the Obama administration is ready to fold like a cheap suit from the Men's Warehouse in Wasilla on the whole Bush tax cuts thing in a damn Huffington Post interview.

“We have to deal with the world as we find it,” David Axelrod said during an unusually candid and reflective 90-minute interview in his office, steps away from the Oval Office. “The world of what it takes to get this done.” (Oh right, you mean the world of bending over and taking it like a nice, li'l Democrat caving to the whims of a bunch of caffeinated Teabags? Jesus Christ, these guys!).
“There are concerns,” he added, that Congress will continue to kick the can down the road in the future by passing temporary extensions for the wealthy time and time again. “But I don’t want to trade away security for the middle class in order to make that point.”

In fact, he doesn't really know what point he's trying to make since the White House immediately tried to walk back Axelrod's statements the very next day, only to find out that's like asking Michael Vick to replace Cesar Millan as the new Dog Whisperer, only to (whoops!) uncover his secret stash of dead, mutated canine carcasses littering his spacious backyard. Or diving into the Pacific with open flesh wounds while Great Whites circle around, and then asking them to kindly forget about the human snack bobbing helplessly, tempting them from above.

So umm yeah, that's kind of difficult to take back. Plus, when the Dems try to distance themselves from looking like total pussies who whimper and curl into the fetal position before the first shots are even fired, it makes them look even worse.

At least deciding to cede all legislative control to the Republicans, in addition to all the chips at the bargaining table is an actual stance, and as such, certainly better than waffling every which way like some tweaked out, trembling Yo-Yo on a bad acid trip, which only ends up giving the Republicans exactly what they wanted without having to pay any sort of price or take the slightest risk.

Funny thing is, the Democrats can actually do this whole tax song 'n dance bullshit too. It's true! All they have to do is play the fun Republican game of saying whatever crazy half-baked, conjured up lies come into their little minds first, like say, "Let the damn things expire. The Republicans raised taxes. They were in charge of Congress when it was time to pass them. We, the valiant Dems, were willing to sign it , but apparently the Republicans are secret Muslim terrorists who hate the middle class, or at least any dumb schlubs earning less than $250,000."

Naaaaaailed it! 2012 won.

Oh, and it would reduce the deficit. Which may be a good idea at some point. Oh well!

But probably not as good an idea as handing Republicans a cheat sheet with all your strategic moves and a handwritten note sealed with a kiss and the words, "A Dummies Guide To Defeating Dumb Democrats On Taxes In 10 Easy-to-Follow, Sweat & Effort-Free Steps."

Okay then! Just call it the Don't Ask, Don't Tell of tax cuts.

"It is absolutely insane that in these tough economic times some people want to continue George W. Bush's tax giveaways to millionaires," AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka said. "Speaker Pelosi is exactly right that there should not be a so-called compromise on this issue."

"The election is over and now it's time for politicians to show courage and stand and fight on these issues for working families," the union president said. "Let the millionaires fend for themselves for a change."

Oh hahahaha, that's rich! Not as rich as the big pimpin' billionaires actually receiving the tax breaks, but hey, close enough. Besides, with all that extra cash, they can just buy their own state of the art security squad.

Which should come in handy since apparently when Rahm left the White House, he decided to take all the balls with him.

Except for one pair, of course. So put your man pants on and Rahm it home, Nancy!

Wanna One Day Become Awesome President Like George W. Bush, Too? Just Quit Boozin' & Stop Askin' Weird Sex Questions!

The heavy burden of being President of the world is brilliantly revealed in the pop-up children's book, Crazy S**t I Did While Fightin' For Freedom, also known as, Decision Points, George W. Bush's new word-filled memoir reminding the nation how lucky we are that he dropped his little drinking habit to fulfill his destiny as the bestest, most Constitution-lovingest, longest serving president thus far in the 21st Century.

Hooray!

And thank heavens for that, because can you even begin to imagine what the first decade of the 2000s would be like without George W. Bush steady at the helm??

Good thing you don't have to, because our beloved national leader managed to kick his fun, Texas-sized booze habit, but not before doing plenty of dumb, crazy stuff while still a fallen down drunken mess, like racking up DUI tickets and embarrassing his upstanding parents' high society friends with bizarre sex questions.

Apparently alcohol and "wise-asses" don't mix:

"So I’m drunk at the dinner table at Mother and Dad’s house in Maine. And my brothers and sister are there, Laura’s there. And I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman, friend of Mother and Dad’s," says Bush. "And I said to her out loud, 'What is sex like after 50?'"

After that, one could hear a pin drop. It was “total silence,” says Bush. ” And not only silence, but like serious daggers” from my mom and my wife.

"I was a wiseass, and I would do stupid things, and alcohol had control over me. The interesting thing-- I end the anecdote with the woman writing me a letter on my 50th birthday, when I was governor of Texas, "Dear Governor: Well, what's the answer?"

Ha ha, and now when he asks that same question, it is Laura who won't answer!

So umm, thanks George and a hearty congratulations on your longtime sobriety. Too bad the rest of America has developed a serious drinking problem as a result, but hey, anything for a friend!

Oooooh, what other exciting juicy li'l tidbits does ol' cowboy George reveal on his current "Say Outrageous Things To Get People To Buy My Dumb Book Nobody Would Read Otherwise" tour?

Oh yeah, he hates abortion because this one time his mama Babs had a miscarriage when he was a teenager and liked to parade around her dead offspring in a jar.

"She said to her teenage kid, 'Here's the fetus,' " the shockingly candid Bush told NBC's Matt Lauer, gesturing as if he were holding the jar during the TV chat.

"I never expected to see the remains of the fetus, which she had saved in a jar to bring to the hospital," Bush writes in his new book, "Decision Points," in an excerpt Lauer read during the interview.

"There was a human life, a little brother or sister," Bush told the "Today" host during the sit-down to promote his tome, which hits stores tomorrow. “There’s no question that affected me, a philosophy that we should respect life.”

But only if it's a miscarried zygote in a jar. Once it's born? Eh, screw it! Junior's on his own!

But “the purpose of the story wasn’t to try show the evolution of a pro-life point of view,” Bush insisted to Lauer.

It was to show the evolution of a disturbed, f**ked-up childhood? To scare the kiddies on Halloween? Show the world no one puts baby in a jar? Enlighten us good sir, please!

"It was really to show how my mom and I developed a relationship."

Oh sweet suffering Jesus, we're guessin' that must've been the smart and talented one.

Just imagine what could have been if only it was a dead Iraqi child his mother carried around in a Mason jar!

Maybe he would have never stopped tossing back bottles of Jack and gotten himself together enough for the Supreme Court to install him as Supreme Leader of America. And then maybe he would never have been able to shock and awe all those Iraqi women and children by spreading beautiful freedom (and smart bombs) all across the parched desert land.

But either way, a born again Bush is certainly a hell of a lot better than a dead again Dick Cheney, since Bush still has a good enough sense of humor to privately mock Arctic Hurricane Sarah Palin, and enough decency (not to mention, an actual human heart) to keep quiet about President Obama.

"I don't think it's good for a former president to be out there opining on every darned issue," George W. Bush told Oprah Winfrey. "He's got a plenty tough job. Trust me. And there's gonna be plenty of critics, and he doesn't need me criticizing him. And I don't think it's good for the presidency. Other people have a different point of view."

Like a certain pulseless monster vice president with two DD Duracell batteries for a heart, and a hobby of shooting his best friends in the face before demanding an apology for all the inconvenience of your big stupid face getting in the way of his perfect, Christ-blessed bullet.

And since Bush is "through with politics," he doesn't want to predict what might happen in 2012, either.

When asked about the possibility of Sarah Palin’s 2012 presidential bid, Bush deflected the question, saying "I am not a political pundit ... I'm really not."

"And secondly, a lot is gonna happen between now and the nominating process. I — I have no clue."

Winfrey pressed him, saying she didn’t need punditry."I'm just asking you your opinion," she said.

But Bush wasn't biting: "You're asking me to wade back into the swamp."

"Come on in," Winfrey responded. "Come on in."

Hehehe, don't be silly Oprah! Don't ya know, W doesn't do the whole colored thing! What, didn't Katrina teach you anything?? Just ask Kanye if you don't believe me.

Addressing his own dismal popularity ratings when he left office, Bush said someone recently told him that his stature in the eyes of the American people was rising. (Umm, were they drunk?)

But he insisted that wasn't important to him.

"If you chase popularity, you are chasing a moment. You are chasing a puff of air," he told Lauer.

C'mon, it's much more fun to chase WMDs instead.

Of course, Bush had nothing but praise for his father, George H.W. Bush The Elder, who was president from 1989 to 1993.

"He never disappointed me," Bush said. "He was always a great father."

Besides, disappointment was always Dubya's department, anyway!

Who The Hell Is 'Orora' & What Has It Done To America's Most Cherished Online Cheerleader Sarah Palin?

Since holding an actual elected position is clearly beneath her Arctic highness Sarah Palin (the only qualified person in America to do anything), perhaps more suited to her "skills" would be to function as an effective wingnut “cheerleader,” based purely on her experience in patriotically quitting the only elected statewide office she's ever held, and brilliantly figuring out how to get knocked up & birth a litter o' precious miracles of God with weirdo, suspiciously liberal names.

Just ask Family Research Council President and last line of defense against the evil scourge of homosinuality threatening to gay (and lesbian) marry our nation's impressionable, confused children, Tony Perkins.

Perkins, in a bit of candor that some conservative leaders don’t always voice, called Palin “a great spokesman” and added that “she says what a lot of people think.”
“But you know a lot of people sometimes realize we shouldn’t say everything we think,” he continued. “Maybe it is that she is more of a cheerleader and one who rallies conservatives together as opposed maybe to being their top choice for president.”

Or, perhaps, in the same vein as the legendary George W. Bush, she could be both the greatest cheerleader and greatest U.S. President, in the history of mankind?

The woman does have a knack for wearin' tight li'l numbers and shrieking senseless, catchy slogans with no real meaning except revvin' up the angry, over-caffeinated, under-educated, old white supremacist crowd.

She's even mastered the art of spewing hateful "cheers" in 140 incoherent characters or less on her favoritest megaphone, the Wasilla World Wide Web!

And by the looks of her latest Mastertweet, somebody (Jesus?) must have informed our prized Snow Drifter that the 'Aurora Borealis' indeed occurs in her Arctic neck of the woods, who in turn, thought, "Golly gee, 'Orora' does sound like a great handle, dontcha know, plus now the lamestream media won't be able to call me dumb anymore, with all this fancy shmancy science-y stuff, oh ya betcha!" Wink, Wink!

Ha ha screw you leetist non-Alaskans with ur I.V. League insistence on korrect spelluns' & Kelsey Grammer rules.

But what exactly does 'Orora' Sarah mean by "my advice for Lisa?" Lisa who? Lisa Simpson? They were in Alaska for their movie. But then again that was back when Sarah was still an unknown nobody with an actual job and responsibilities, not a super-star celebrity somebody whose only employment is duping dumb poor rednecks out of their hard-earned money.

Could she mean Lisa Ling? Perhaps she's confusing Lisa with her other, slightly less-famous journalist sister Laura, who she still mistakenly believes is being held hostage by that crazy midget in the bad Korea?

Hmmm, possibly. Or could Sarah be referring to incumbent Alaskan Sen. Lisa Murkowski, who recently, not very cheerfully, announced (and didn't even chant it in fun, sing-song rhyme!) her independent bid after losing the Republican primary to that faintly-bearded weirdo Teabagger Cub Joe Miller, by swiping at Mama Grizz Sarah by saying, "Perhaps it's one time they met one Republican woman who won't quit on Alaska!"

Hmmm, this is all very confusing! Online cheerleading isn't as easy as it looks!

And what is with the extra period? Are we to assume the .”. symbol is secret Teabagger code only decipherable to non-masturbating witches in Delaware, like Sarah's other adopted grizzly cub, Christine O'Donnell? Yes, that must be it!

Besides, I was always under the impression the preferred bear-reaction advice was "pump as many rounds as humanly possible as quickly and accurately as you can with the largest-caliber weapon at your disposal, while giggling wildly like some deranged cackle of rads."

God, why does this mysterious Orora lady hate everyone's favoritest 2nd Amendment solution??

Ask yourself America, is this really the kind of person/upper atmosphere photon admissions display, we want, no make that need, (cheer)leading our nation in the 21st century?

Gimme a Y!-O!-U! Can I get a B!-E!-T!-C!-H!-A! What does that spell??

GOOOOOOOO GRIZZLIES!!!

The Original Loud Mouth President Of Megaphones, George W. Bush!

Traitor Joe Lieberman Will Heroically Stand With Republicans To Fight For Rich People's Right Not To Pay Normal, Poor People Taxes

Permanent droopy faced Downercraticandipendent Sen. Joe Lieberman never met a terrible idea he didn't love, or missed the chance to play spoiler and screw everyone over on some important issue or another. It's his raison d'être!

When you're the intentionally annoying, token backstabbing leper, unwelcome in either party, you do whatever you can to stay relevant, in the hopes of once again feeling the shiny, warm gaze of the media's spotlight as its luxurious heat spreads throughout your frail limbs, filling the cold empty vacuum where a heart should be.

Which is why Traitor Joe couldn't wait to announce his awesome plans to do "everything I can" to stop Democrats from allowing Bush's upper-class tax cuts for the obscenely rich to expire, because haven't America's heirs and barons been through enough already? I mean it's bad enough they can't even prance around in diamonds and furs, toss $100 dollar bills into the air and laugh at the gross poors scrambling around below for sport, without feeling all weird and self-conscious anymore!

Ummm, there goes the neighborhood!

But does "everything I can" include stomping on the poor, unemployed, or otherwise downtrodden, while spitting in the face of average, hardworking blue-collar Americans in order to achieve this end?

Ha ha, only if he's lucky, my friends!

Naturally, Republicans would like nothing more than to extend all of the Bush tax cuts forever, because why on God's no longer Green Earth would the federal government need to fund itself? Sure, we're already an embarrassingly broke nation, and permanently extending Bush's tax cuts would result in a $3 to $4 trillion loss of revenue, but isn't that why ol' Georgey planted all those money trees behind the White House in the first place?

The flippin' cowboy genius!

Not surprisingly, arugula-eating, Socialist comrade Barack Obama only wants to extend, at least for a few years, tax cuts for the pesky, disappearing middle class, while ending the cuts on the top two brackets: reverting the 33% one back to 36%, and the top 35% one to 39.6%.

But apparently letting the $1.3 trillion Bush tax cuts on the richest human beings in world history expire and return to their slightly higher Clinton-era rates is considered very controversial in Washington, DC!

Even some Republicans like tanning bed salesman and Snooki's older brother, John Boehner, made the grave mistake of admitting that, given a choice between extending the tax cuts just for people who are less than very, very rich and no tax cuts at all, he would choose the former. Which, unlike everything else Republican leaders have said over the past couple of years, doesn't make less sense than one of Sarah Palin's tweets about "cackles of rads" and "cake inks."

Well this does not bode well with the rest of the Grand Ol' Patriots, and even some pseudo Democrats like ol' Joe Lieberman and Ben 'Nebraska' Nelson, who would simply prefer to hold hostage tax relief for 98 percent of the American people, in order to get (desperately needed) tax breaks for the top 2 percent, like say each and every 'illionaire in Congress!

Leave it to the lame, poor-loving Democrats to even so much as question why the richest of the rich need to keep their tax cuts!

Helloooooo?? Sure, the Wall Street titans, corporate CEOs, and banking executives did cause this whole recession thing, what with their predatory lending, and reckless bundling of toxic assets passed off as good investments not piles of hot garbage, which is why we, the American taxpayers, need to protect them from all this terrible damage they brought upon themselves!

How dare we ask our precious rich citizens to contribute as much to big, bad government as they did before El Savior George W. Bush came into office??

"When you have a huge national debt, when you have people who are unemployed, need to get to work, you do not -- not this year, not next year or the following year -- give tax breaks to millionaires or billionaires," said Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT). "That is obscene to my mind...I will do my best to defeat that proposal."

Ha, what a typical Socialist thing to say, Bernie! What's next, a national Give-Your-Gucci-To-A-Poor-Day?

But the big question remains, whatever will Congress do now? Since it is far more likely that dinosaurs come waltzing across the congressional floor than Democrats and Republicans actually coming to some sort of agreement before the deadline, all rates will go up this January, and Democrats will naturally be attacked for "raising taxes," or "destroying the suddenly-robust economy" or whatever.

Recently departed Obama budget director Peter Orszag believes he has the answer, which elitists can find in the Commie rag The New York Times:

In the face of the dueling deficits, the best approach is a compromise: extend the tax cuts for two years and then end them altogether. Ideally only the middle-class tax cuts would be continued for now. Getting a deal in Congress, though, may require keeping the high-income tax cuts, too. And that would still be worth it.

Why does this combination make sense? The answer is that over the medium term, the tax cuts are simply not affordable. Yet no one wants to make an already stagnating jobs market worse over the next year or two, which is exactly what would happen if the cuts expire as planned.

OMG, like totally! Because everyone knows tax cuts for the richest folks will definitely create more jobs....in China.

But then there's still the other little issue of putting this off until the presidential election season, when Democrats will suddenly have grown some balls, and certainly be willing to let all of the cuts expire, especially with a huge election on the line.

Much better to just keep kicking this can down the road, as far as it will go, indefinitely. If you're really lucky, eventually it might just pass through your trailer park or tent city.

Better yet, why not just kick Congress down the road, and let them expire instead?

Problem solved!

Civil Servant Barack Obama Announces Bush's Mission (Sort Of) Accomplished, While President Sarah Palin Accomplishes Twittering More Gibberish Nobody Understands

OMG, presidential teevee star and A-list celeb B. Hussein Obama is back on the boob tube and in America's hearts and homes, making just the second Oval Office address of his presidency (which is one more than his appearances on The View!) to talk about some Very Important Subject (other than his sketchy origins), like the last time Barry was forced to talk to the dumb public when some British oil company decided it would be hilarious to replace America's coastal waters with delicious petroleum instead.

But what glorious news will El Commander-in-Chief bring the nation this time??

Oh goody, America! Turns out, the War in Iraq, which apparently had still been going on all summer decade, is now over, with President Obama announcing its official end, and only seven years after Bush declared "Mission Accomplished!"

Hooray!

But what does everyone think about Barry's awesome end-of-combat troops-in-Iraq announcement? He even mentioned George W. Bush's name twice. But, did he did praise George W. Bush enough for heroically starting the most awesome war ever??

Hell no! According to professional Arctic fraud Sarah Palin, who surely doesn't think so, and took to her favoritest Twitter to let the whole world know the entire 140-character truth about bloody wars-for-oil in faraway desert lands, without all the lamestream media bias, like facts and truth.

OMG, like so true! All of America is ready to bust out their copy of Burmese Days and A Clergyman's Daughter to learn more about the Iraq surge. Or, wait, perhaps she means his 1933 work Down and Out in Paris and London? Or was it 1938's Homage to Catalonia? Unlike SarBear, we're simply not sure which Orwell novel has the secret Barack Obama rewritten history decipher code!

Or maybe Sarah is just under the impression that George Orwell did not in fact write fiction, but actual history textbooks, and thus evil NObama is trying to rewrite this history?

Like that terrifying time just a few decades ago when scary, supposedly native-born, civilized farm animals established a hideous communist state right across the pond, in England of all places! Or could it be Barack Obama will attempt to steal credit for the brilliant surge from unsung hero George W. Bush, using his meager position as a minor civil servant in the Ministry of Truth to revise historical records in order to perpetuate official government propaganda, a la 1984? Hmmm, probably that one. Sounds just like something that lame Socialist civil servant NObama would totally do...

But if Obama is just a measly civil servant, then who is the actual, real life President?? Oooh, please, please let it be Sarah Palin so she can finally give credit where credit is due, and give George W. Bush the presidential medal of freedom for saving humanity with his surge in Iraq!

I mean who knows where we'd be if God never spoke to W and told him the future of the free world rests on the preemptive, unilateral invasion of a poor, sovereign nation in the middle of the desert, in order to depose a dictator who had nothing to do with 9/11, and shock and awe that country into awesome civil war, for like freedom 'n stuff? I, for one, can hardly bear to think about a world without pointless, never-ending wars costing trillions of dollars. **Shudder!**

Good thing we don't have to, thanks to the GREATEST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY, George W. Bush!

Anyway, back to boring, buzzkillin' Barry, who unlike his predecessor, doesn't even think sending thousands of teenage Americans to certain death in parched desert wastelands is a very wise idea. Ha ha loser!

Oh look, here he goes again about how spending ungodly sums of money (we didn't have) to launch a useless, pathetic Middle East misadventure doesn't exactly put us in prime position to recover from a recession, but despite this, Barack Obama will try his very hardest to ensure you don't get fired from the terrible job you hate, or at least when you do, there will maybe be another god-awful job you can't stand, so you at least have an actual house, not homeless shelter to come back to after your grueling 40-hour work week.

Let's see what else? Oh yeah, the troops. Aren't they just the absolute, gosh darned best?? YES, the answer is, YES they are, got it? This cannot be emphasized enough.

And despite Iraq being a horrible miscalculation founded not upon actual evidence or facts, but some demented wet dream Dick Cheney had, America must never forget the 4,403 American soldiers who died in the war, their families, or the families of countless (uncounted) dead Iraqis. It's not their fault the whole damn thing was a huge, wasteful embarrassment, representative of an even more disgraceful decade when America was led by a Born Again Cowboy who barely survived a freak encounter with a pretzel, let alone armed insurgents in Fallujah.

Oh, and same goes for the 50,000 U.S. troops still stuck in that sweltering hellhole trying to bring education, jobs, stable government, a functioning economy, and basically all the things we now don't have here, 6,942 miles away, over there, in Iraq.

So instead of just grunting thank you before tossing our maimed and traumatized veterans out on the street in the hopes that Jesus and/or the all-powerful hand of the "free market" will restore their limbs and sanity, and take care of their exorbitant health costs, President/Civil Servant Barack Obama will once again open up the ol' Government coffers to help fund a new G.I. bill, so our troops can maybe get wasted for 4 years, like every other college student in America, once they finished sacrificing life & limb for the freedom of Iraqi citizens to buy cheap American DVDs and I ♥ NY t-shirts.

Or in the words of Obama, "we will do whatever it takes to serve our veterans as well as they have served us. Because part of ending a war responsibly is standing by those who have fought it."

And also maybe next time, not sending our soldiers to senselessly die for reasons unknown, except maybe oil or as misguided revenge against some crazy dictator for being super meany to a certain someone's daddy who just so happened to also be a President with the first name George and last name Bush.

But why think about bummers like that when there are so many other important things to talk about? Ugh, details can be sooooooooo boring! Especially nationally televised, dull Oval Office speeches chock full o' them, coming from Socialist farm animals and pathetic low-level civil servants like Barack Obama.

Unlike the brilliant, thrilling tweets of world-famous literary scholar, Orwellian expert, and America's true leader, Sarah Barricuda Louise Mama Grizzly Palin, President 4 Life! Or, at least, until the next six figure tell-all book deal comes along and she is forced to patriotically fight for freedom the old-fashioned way: by unceremoniously, abruptly quitting...

Twitter account and all!

John Boehner Will Not Stand For Some Classless Knight, Former Beatles Included, Bashing His Hero George W. Bush; But Torturing Muslims Is A-Okay!

You know what really squeezes the juice right out of John Boehner's sad orange face? Brings those tears splatterin' big, fat 'n hot right out his piercing baby blues?

No, not the distinguished former eight-year Republican President George W. Bush boastin' 'bout torturin' Muslims, hehe, while he was The Decider or how he would do it again in a heartbeat, if he had to, for like freedom 'n stuff!

No, no that is all fine and well, the crazy ol' cowboy! Gosh, don't ya just love this man? God bless the dumb bastard--those were some fine years, fine years!

What really grinds his abnormally glowing gears is when some widely idolized, knighted musical legend like say Sir Paul McCartney tells a well-established fact harmless joke about how Bush is dumb and Obama is smart and the Earth rotates 'round the sun, and it's nice to receive an award from someone who doesn't call your old band, "The Bad Ass Bugs," before peeing his pants laughing hysterically, hehehehe.

“Getting this prize would just be good enough, but getting it from this president..." McCartney gushed, praising President Barack Obama for umm, not being a retarded f-up among other things.

“After the last eight years, it’s great to have a president who knows what a library is,” McCartney joked after receiving an award  for his  influence on American culture.

Well this sort of tomfoolery does not sit well with neon Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, whose sharp humor extends only to drowning terrorist suspects, not pointing out glaring intellectual deficiencies of former Republican presidents who may not be able to pronounce nuc-u-lar, but sure as sh*t knows how to use 'em!

“Like millions of other Americans, I have always had a good impression of Paul McCartney and thought of him as a classy guy, but I was surprised and disappointed by the lack of grace and respect he displayed at the White House,” Boehner told HUMAN EVENTS. “I hope he’ll apologize to the American people for his conduct which demeaned him, the White House and President Obama.”

How dare you use the words George W. Bush and library in the same sentence!? Have you no decency? Tsk, tsk! For shame, Sir, for shame!

The only people who will demean Mr. Obama and/or the White House are Orange Boehners, born again Fox News mental patients, former half-term governors driftin' in on the Arctic current, swastika waving patriots who can't spell constitution so just dress like human bags o' Lipton instead, and of course all 218 Grand Obstructionist Party members proudly voting "No!" in Congress.

Because real patriots like John Boehner know being truly demeaning is not forcing suspected detainees to wear dog chains and create awesome naked human pyramids, but having a beloved cultural icon and one of the most popular musicians of all time say a terrible, MEANY comment about his favoritest former President, the wonderfully, mighty Republican president, George W. Bush, all because he can't read good!

Almost as torturous as having to take orders from some scary black Socialist community organizer from Kenya, instead of a semi-literate born again who swapped Jägermeister for Jesus en route to becoming God's chosen messenger to drown New Orleans, bankrupt America, and bomb Muslims, here on Earth.

The good ol' days! When Boehner and the rest of the Grand Old Puppets could proudly pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under W, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all none.

A fool's paradise: It's the American Republican dream!

True Men Don't Kill Coyotes, They Crush Hopes & Destroy Dreams

Yeehaw, Cowboy!

Gun totin', fiercely heterosexual, 100% pure all beef patty of hunky manhood, Texas Governor, slick Rick Perry rarely feels what the rest of us non-laser-sighted pistol carrying losers call fear, deep within his chiseled, manly chest.

But there are times when even a rough 'n tumble, real Texas man like Rick Perry feels a creeping sense of dread, like, for instance, when a charming black man moves into the White House, or say, when enjoying a jog and suddenly finds himself face-to-face with a slithering, poisonous reptile-monster who just so happens to be the slimy bastard responsible for getting Adam and Eve tossed out of Eden. Wandering naked and alone, forever.

Of course, Texans, particularly male Texans, aren't normally permitted to admit these terrible feelings of vulnerability or express gay, womany emotions of any sort, except as part of a hilariously amusing tale about how said strapping male cold shot some dumb living thing in the head and left its pathetic corpse to rot in the blazing sun and scorching heat of the acacia-dotted wasteland he calls home.

Like some stupid, evil coyote who had the misfortune of crossing paths with the Texas Terminator Governor while he was out jogging with his daughter's dog and his loyal .380 Ruger loaded with hollow-tip bullets strapped to his leather hide belt.

"I'm enjoying the run when something catches my eye and it's this coyote. I know he knows I'm there. He never looks at me, he is laser-locked on that dog," Perry said.

"I holler and the coyote stopped. I holler again. By this time I had taken my weapon out and charged it. It is now staring dead at me. Either me or the dog are in imminent danger. I did the appropriate thing and sent it to where coyotes go," he said. (The Cartoon network??)

Perry said the laser-pointer helped make a quick, clean kill.

"It was not in a lot of pain," he said. "It pretty much went down at that particular juncture."

That "particular junction" of course referring to the precise spot where a certain locked 'n loaded state leader pumped rounds of hollow-tipped lead, and laid to waste an a mangy coyote hellbent on destroying dear leader Rick and his loyal canine companion.

And for what??? To satiate his natural predatory instincts and fill his belly with the blood and flesh of a famous Republican hero and his favoritest freedom-loving dog?

How dare he??

Perhaps Mr. Wile E. Coyote should have heeded Gov. Perry's warning: "Don't attack my dog or you might get shot...if you're a coyote."

Oh, so suddenly Mr. soft-on-crime over here refuses to shoot other non-Canis dog menaces like humans??

Buck up, Ricky! This is Texas, not the gay, pussy North!

"I knew there were a lot of predators out there. You'll hear a pack of coyotes. People are losing small cats and dogs all the time out there in that community," Perry said.

"They're very wily creatures."

Much like secret Muslim terrorists from Kenya masquerading as widely respected, wildly popular, progressive, half black, rock star-like Democratic Presidents. Who don't even carry concealed weapons when they jog.

Ugh, arugula-eating liberal elitists! Don't they just make you sick??

Good thing Laura Bush knows true men don't kill coyotes, they destroy entire countries instead!

In the newest, very important contribution to the literary world, former first lady and soft-spoken librarian Laura Bush's gut-wrenching memoir, Spoken From the Heart, hit shelves this week and is causing quite a stir with its juicy revelations...

Like that one time when Laura ran through a stop sign and killed her high school boyfriend, then slept through the funeral, and stopped believing in God.

Until another time, when she was a bored, lonely 30-year-old school librarian, and God suddenly reappeared in the form of a dumb, rich screw-up by the name of George W. Bush, luckily before that other time in Germany when Laura is absolutely positive someone tried to poison her and W with the common stomach flu.

Good thing God had other plans!

"Most of how I ultimately coped with the crash was by trying not to talk about it, not to think about it, to put it aside. Because there wasn't anything I could do. Even if I tried," she writes.

Kinda like what all of America tried to do following the eight year disaster known as her loving hubby, and divine messenger, Georgey Poo's Presidency.

But much like scavenging desert predators, man-slaughtered former loved ones, Heaven sent Icelandic volcanoes erupting in protest of health care reform, megaton rigs exploding in the Gulf, and other oily stuff we can't keep from destroying the planet, no matter how hard we try and forget our almost-decade-long cowboy nightmare, we just can't shake the terrifying sense that UH OH, THERE'S NO WAY TO STOP THIS!!

Almost as if the "poison" still courses through the veins of our nation.

When The Only Cure Is...More Cowboy!

Teabaggers Know Obama 'Bin' Pretendin' To Be American 'Agin'!

You may think Teabaggers are nothing more than ignorant, gun-crazed Grand KKK Wizards with nothing better to do than intimidate old people at peaceful health care town hall debates, and pretend to go into cardiac arrest outside of Senate offices because they love freedom but hate black presidents who try to give them more health insurance options than starve to death or pay for their five-year-old kid's life saving kidney operation.

But did you know that they are also comic geniuses? Think about it. Without these frizzy haired, toothless lovers of herbs, spices, and liberty waving Nazi signs signs and WWJD posters, there would be no hilariously stupid homemade signs to provide hours of entertainment and hearty laughter for the rest of us unpatriotic Socialists who hate America and want nothing more than to see the Constitution burned and strung up from the nearest tree in an exciting, fun-filled public execution ceremony.

Which is why we are eternally grateful for these loyal patriots who drove their freedom trucks from all across the U.S. of A to head to the heart of darkness (aka Washington, DC) to participate in Tuesday's "Code Red Health Care Rally" to protest the $875 billion health care bill and harass the terrible DEMONcrats trying to shove health care down the throats of decent, hardworking Americans whose throats feel just fine, thank you very much.

But this time, the evil Feminazis and abortionists running the Democratic Party have decided to finally fight back against the crazy Republicans' attempts to turn every single, obscure-yet-common procedural move into proof of the coming doomsday Barackalypse.

House Speaker and chief SS officer, Nancy Pelosi had the nerve to send House Democrats a memo offering tips for how nervous Dems should handle the crowds of blood-thirsty teabaggers swarming their offices, demanding either answers or heads-on-sticks. Preferably, the latter.

"Tens of thousands of conservative and Tea Party activists will be on the Hill as part of what they are dubbing a 'Surge Against Obamacare,'" reads the memo, which also includes a checklist of provisions in the current bill to counter the "caricature of the reform bill presented by right-wing media outlets."

A checklist of facts which includes such mainstream media lies as: "Reduces the deficit; Cracks down on Medicare waste, fraud, and abuse; Provides historic tax credit for small businesses and individuals to purchase health insurance."

Haha, nice try Nancy. I mean who needs facts when you have throngs of pitchfork-wielding teabaggers carrying their own, awesome, homemade versions of the truth?

Truths like "Obama bin Lyin' Agin" because everyone knows our 44th President is really Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden disguised as a charming former community organizer with a sweet jumpshot and a burning desire to reform health care in a twisted, ingenious plot to curb the insurance industries fleecing of the public, and improve the health of the nation, just so he can destroy the whole, robust lot of 'em once they're no longer bed-ridden and/or rotting in debtors prison.

Of course, "Agin" isn't just the savvy teabaggers way of spelling "again," like a true American either, but likely secret code for something terrible and racist dumb people like to call colored presidents when they try to come between them and their doctor and the insurance company already lodged cozily between them.

But the big question is what the hell is a George W. Bush cartoon doing on the above teabagger's lovely sign?

Certainly, it can't be a picture of NObama, without the obligatory Hitler mustache, watermelon patches, or piles of Jewish corpses to accompany it.

C'mon people, how are we supposed to get all fired up about Barry's Bolshevik plot to murder Grandma and snack on Baby Trig if we don't even know how to properly draw an insulting cartoon version of him?

I mean, here we are, supposed to hate the man for destroying The Great America, and all I want to do is hug him, grab some beers, and maybe go for a ride on his magical Dumbo ears over to Crawford Ranch to visit his twin brother and lovely wife Laura, in retirement, after his productive, eight-year stint almost destroying civilization as we know it.

With health care.

Forget The Beatles, The Only Thing Bigger Than Jesus Is Dick!

Where does a sneering, creepy, washed up, former henchman of the apocalypse (aka George W. Bush's eight-year hell reign), who is hated by many and loved by few, go when he needs a little pick me up?

Give up? Why to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), of course!

It's where all the old, irrelevant societal pariahs go to once again feel like a star, bask in the warm light of attention, and whine about that dithering Kenyan menace who hates freedom almost as much as starting wars for no reason.

A place where surprise guests and once shining stars like former vice president Cheney can go be their true Dick selves, and still receive thunderous applause and standing ovations from the adoring audience even while balling the sh*t out of the dumb numbnuts for clapping way too long and way too loud.

It's been awhile since he's been around actual humans, he almost forgot how God damn annoying you people are. Almost.

In fact, if he hears one more of you idiots chanting "Four more years!" or "Cheney 2012!" he's gonna friggin' lose it. He'll bust out the waterboarding table right here, right now, so help him God.

"Knock it off!" Cheney said. "A welcome like that is almost enough to make me want to run for office again. But I'm not gonna do it."

Wanna know why? Cause he's (a) Dick that's why. And quite frankly, this country doesn't deserve his sweet, sourpuss face and soothing monotone voice.

Much like the dumb bastards don't deserve a new opening line and will have to settle for a repeat of his 2008 speech instead.

Hahaha, suckers!

Per his usual Dick self, Cheney's remarks were short, slightly encouraging, and more than a little menacing.

"There are some great years ahead of us and it's very, very important that we succeed," Cheney said. "It's a remarkable time to be an American, a remarkable time to be a conservative. Good luck."

Not like you'll need it thanks to the deranged soothsayer you have to lead the way.

"I think 2010 is going to be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause," Cheney said to the now-hyperventilating audience. "And I think that Barack Obama is a one-term president."

Which of course caused the crowd to pass the normal excitement threshold into utter and total hysteria, gasping for breath in between squeals of delight.

Cheney, who was introduced by the blonde-estrogen-filled version of himself, hell daughter Liz, as part of the off-the-hook, proud "younger generation" of Republicans with equally terrible ideas and similarly demented views of the world, vowed to remain active in the conservative cause.

"I'll do everything I can, but I most especially want to encourage the younger generation," Cheney said of his actions in the future.

In the form of my lovely non-gay daughter Liz, who I've trained since birth to heed the Cheney call and make Daddy Dick proud as part of the "younger generation" of social misfits and human defects who gaze adoringly at this grimacing, decrepit, white-haired, occasionally incapacitated 69-year-old, four-time heart attack survivor and prophet of doom, and think to themselves, thank god this man, no this God, is here to restore America to her rightful place as the Star-spangled Satan we once knew and loved so well.

In other words, the Dick Cheney of world superpowers.

Latest Racist Anti-Obama Right-Wing Outrage Foiled By Common Sense, Simple Google Image Search

Omg, can you believe the nerve of this guy? Putting his dirty feet--the very ones he uses to walk on the ground--upon the sacred 'Resolute' desk given to us as a gift by dear Queen Victoria back when his people were still slaves, and civilized people occupied the Oval Office.

And this is the thanks she gets? A shiny black sole right in the kisser!? For shame!

Well, thank heavens this sort of elitist behavior will not go unnoticed by the throngs of right-wing cranks, teabaggers, and white power enthusiasts scouring desperately for something, anything, to prove this chocolate-skinned demonchild from Kenya has no place in the pure White House of blessed, God-fearing America.

So, in light of the unfortunate fact that it is no longer acceptable to say the "N-word" on the teevee or radio (Fox News included), the wingnuts on the right were forced to do the next best thing and send a furious email about NObama's latest affront to decency, honor, and the light-skinned integrity of the presidency.

Subject: Keep your feet OFF the furniture!

Does this photo of President Obama in the Oval Office convey anything to you about his attitude?

Would you speak with the Chief of Staff, your Chief Economics Adviser, and your Senior Adviser with your feet up on the Resolute Desk – a gift from Queen Victoria to President Rutherford B. Hayes in 1880?

We should inundate the White House with emails demanding he keep his feet off of our furniture.

This arrogant, immature & self-centered man has no sense of honor, or of simple decency.

While this posture is disrespectful in any culture, it is absolutely never done in any executive setting.

Further, in over half of the cultures of the world, it is recognized not only as disrespectful, but as an extreme insult.

He thinks of himself as a king — and not as a servant of the people, humbly occupying our White House for his term in office.

Electing him was an enormous mistake — and will cost us in many ways, for generations.

Conservatives haven't been this outraged since that incorrigible Rosa Parks lady refused to give up her seat and move to the back of the bus like a decent elderly woman. Once again, hundreds of years of tradition, reverence and honor destroyed in one fell genuine leather thud.

Oh and don't give me the whole "George Bush did the same exact thing when he was in office" bullsh*t. Cause it is completely different!

At least George W. Bush had the common decency to be white when kicking back and spitting on British royalty's good-faith gift to their former colonial possession.

If There's Anything Joe Biden Knows, It's That They Don't Call Him Dick For Nothing

America's most famous Dick crawled out from his dank shelter 50ft beneath the Earth's surface, braving both air and sunlight, to grace the simple, unsuspecting carbon-based life forms above with dire warnings and apocalyptic visions about his favorite subjects: war and terror.

And also to celebrate his other crowning achievement while in office, the two-year anniversary of that glorious Feb 11 day when he "accidentally" shot his best friend Harry Whittington in the face during a quail hunting expedition. A best friend who should have known better than to let his dumb face get in the way of Dick Cheney's spraying bullets. The fool!

No, no, this time, the master of creepy, sneering subterranean creatures of the night didn't emerge from the rich soil just to toot his own quail and people hunting gangsta VP horn.

Not when this country is in the middle of a war. A war, which the current Obama administration seems to not have the faintest idea how to handle, but is trying to steal all the credit for anyway. No one, I said, NO ONE, takes credit from Dick when it comes to duping the public into invading oil-rich countries for shits and giggles. And certainly not any dithering, pussy commander-in-chief who actually takes time to think about what they're doing before squandering trillions of dollars and thousands of American lives to capture bin Laden, destroy al Qaeda, get oil oust a mustached menace named Saddam, spark a civil war, and turn Iraq into the new terrorist hot spot.

Which is why Dick had absolutely no choice but come above ground to go on national teevee to repeat his two most favoritest words in the whole wide world: "dead" and "wrong."

Blasting the Obama administration's "passive, pre-9/11 mindset" for putting the country at risk, big Dick Cheney took aim at current vice president Joe Biden's recent statement on Sunday's Meet the Press, that another attack on the scale of 9/11 is "unlikely."

You see, poor Joe Biden made the terrible mistake of saying that Cheney--who simply doesn't much care for softy Obama's refusal to torture and unlawfully detain suspects in secret Cuban prisons--is "trying to rewrite history" and is "either misinformed or is misinforming" about what policies have been most effective in combating terrorists.

"The worry is legitimate," Biden said. "The reason why I do not think it's likely because of all the resources we have put on this, considerably more than the last administration, to see that it will not happen."

You mean waging two-front wars and administering blindfold, upside down luxury drownings to anyone who even slightly seems Muslim-y doesn't make us safer??

Well one dick doesn't like all that pre-9/11 defeatist talk. That naiveté may be fine and dandy in peacetime, but this is war, people!

"I think, in fact, the situation with respect to Al Qaeda, to say, you know, that was big attack we had on 9/11 but it’s not likely again – I just think that's just dead wrong." Cheney said.

"I think the biggest strategic threat the United States faces today is the possibility of another 9/11 with a nuclear weapon or a biological agent of some kind. And I think Al Qaeda is out there – even as we meet – trying to figure out how to do that," Cheney added, crossing his fingers in the hopes that maybe, just maybe his doomsday vision comes to bloody fruition.

He also doesn't much appreciate NObama and Co. trying to steal his war thunder. Iraq is his war, you hear?? HIS WAR, damn it!!

Scoffing at Biden's absurd comments that Iraq may end up being one of the Obama administration’s greatest success, Cheney laughed, eh more like cackled, "I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by my friend Joe Biden." And by friend, he of course means qualifies as the next recipient of some nice buckshot to the face.

"I'm glad he now believes Iraq is a success," Cheney said. "For them to try and take credit for what has happened in Iraq strikes me as a little strange...So if they are going to take credit for [Iraq's success] – fair enough – for what they've done while they're there – but it ought to go with a healthy dose of 'thank you George Bush' up front. And a recognition that some of their early recommendations with respect to prosecuting that war were just dead wrong.”

"I believe very deeply in the proposition that what we did in Iraq was the right thing to do," Cheney said. "We got rid of one of the worst dictators of the 20th century."

Sure as hell we did! After that no WMD desert debacle, the only Bush we'd let anywhere near the White House is the one decorating the South Lawn.

But, yeah, that Saddam guy was kind of a dick too...

Not like Cheney dick, but hey, what did you expect, I mean the guy's only human after all.

Saddam, that is.

Barack Obama's State of the Union: Put Up or Shut Up! Please??

Well folks, it's been one whole year since Barack Obama rode a wave of hope and goodwill to become America's first semi-colored president before disappointing us all with the harsh reality that he is not in fact Superman, and as such, does not have the magical ability to don a cape and instantly wipe away the world's woes with a single wave of his perfectly smooth hand.

Ha ha loser!

If you're not drunk, or in the process of voluntarily losing millions of brain cells, my condolences. You should be. Makes the whole State-of-the-Union thing that much more palatable. No one wants to watch Congress act like one big retarded wind-up doll for 60 never-ending minutes; try it sober and you'll understand what torture really is (aside from having ice-cold bottles of water poured over your head in a luxurious blindfold upside-down spa bath).

So what does President Barack Obama have to say for himself nearly one year after he FAILED to transform this nation from bankrupt Bushwhacked pariah to prosperous global piiiimp?

Surely, he'll will hit up all the key words and phrases we Americans expect, no, make that need to hear from our leader in order to feel good about about our obese, capitalist, consumer-driven way of life once again. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Words that make people burst from their seats in a wild surge of patriotic pride and affection, and also the intrinsic need to not be the one a-hole grimacing like a douchebag (think Joe Lieberman) when the President of the United States says things like "jobs creation" and "educating the youth."

Everyone, except Republicans, who only stand and cheer for phrases like "war," "terror," "Wall Street" and of course, their personal favorites, anything with the words "nuclear" or "profit" in it. You wanna see a Republican get really excited and instantly turn into an energizer bunny? Just whisper the words "oil" or "drill" into their ear and see what happens. They go nuts for it!

Unlike those Supreme statues in the front who wear their finest mumus and poker faces and DO NOT stand for anybody under any circumstances whatsoever.

Seriously, Obama can stand literally ten feet in front of the entire front-row of sitting Supreme Court Justices and call out them out for being the terrible 1,000 year old human beings that they are ('cept for that Soto chick he picked), and reversing a century of legal precedent allowing corporations and other special interests to spend--without limit--in our elections. Meaning Morgan Stanley (the investment bank) will now be able to spend the same amount as Stanley Morgan (the check-out guy at the local grocery store) to help decide the next U.S. president. Hooray!

And yet the fancy pants mannequins in the front row remain stoic and motionless, trying so very hard to not make any gestures or show the slightest trace of emotion, for fear their deep secret of being actual humans may be revealed.

Which isn't as easy as it sounds! Oh no, there goes Samuel Alito doing the opposite of "not making a gesture," by shaking his head, mouthing "not true, not true" in what can only be described as a desperate attempt to appeal to all those South Carolinians pining for another Joe Wilson-like hero with Tourettes to rescue America from these terrible NObama lies.

But, alas, those good old days are long gone, now that health care is dead and the economy is dead and Ted Kennedy is dead, and hope and change are as dead as the dickens and our miserable failure of a leader is forced to go before a gathering of hungry predators (Congress) to give some pathetic excuse about why it only took him 12 months to ruin the country when it took George W. Bush eight whole years to destroy America.

"At the beginning of the last decade, the year 2000, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. By the time I took office, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program...All this was before I walked in the door."

Whoa, whoa wait just a minute there, fellow! Are you implying that the presidency of George W. Bush Junior is to blame for the financial mess we're in? What a terribly impolite thing to say about the former president of these United States! How dare you even mention the great #43, let alone use something as RUDE and ELITIST as actual facts.

"Too many Americans have lost faith in our biggest institutions: our corporations, our media, and yes, our government...It's time to try something new: let's invest in our people without leaving them mountains of debt."

Hmmm, go on?

"By the time I'm finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their coverage." Wooohooo!! Oh wait...that's a bad thing, right?

"Here's what I ask Congress, though: Don't walk away from reform. Not now. Not when we are so close. Let us find a way to come together and finish the job for the American people. Let's get it done."

Okay, now everyone cheer for America. And freedom! And diversity! And working together to solve problems and make America a better place! YAY!!!

Wonder where he's going with all this hippie-dippie, love your neighbor crazy talk?

"This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are. It's the right thing to do."

Arrrrggghhh! Oh no, not more freedom and equality sh*t like letting the gays also have a chance to die in war. It makes the military brass very uncomfortable and everyone knows their comfort is far more important than constitutional rights or having military personnel with the ability to translate Arabic into a civilized language like English. Heterosexual English, that is.

"From the day I took office, I've been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious; such an effort would be too contentious...our political system is too gridlocked, and that we should just put things on hold for a while."

"You see, Washington has been telling us to wait for decades, even as the problems have grown worse...Well, I do not accept second place for the United States of America."

You hear that people? Silver is for losers like the Chinese or British. Gold is for winners like Glenn Beck and the rest of the Fox News team head over heels for the shiny metal of champions.

"I campaigned on the promise of change--change we can believe in, the slogan went. And right now, I know there are many Americans who aren't sure if they still believe we can change--or that I can deliver it."

"But remember this--I never suggested that change would be easy, or that I could do it alone. Democracy in a nation of 300 million people can be noisy and messy and complicated. And when you try to do big things and make big changes, it stirs passions and controversy."

"We have finished a difficult year. We have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come...We don't quit. I don't quit. Let's seize this moment--to start anew, to carry the dream forward and to strengthen our union once more."

In other words, Democrats: thank you, and please continue trying to solve problems. Republicans: drop dead. Problem solved!

Now, that's change we can all believe in!