John Boehner Will Not Stand For Some Classless Knight, Former Beatles Included, Bashing His Hero George W. Bush; But Torturing Muslims Is A-Okay!

You know what really squeezes the juice right out of John Boehner's sad orange face? Brings those tears splatterin' big, fat 'n hot right out his piercing baby blues?

No, not the distinguished former eight-year Republican President George W. Bush boastin' 'bout torturin' Muslims, hehe, while he was The Decider or how he would do it again in a heartbeat, if he had to, for like freedom 'n stuff!

No, no that is all fine and well, the crazy ol' cowboy! Gosh, don't ya just love this man? God bless the dumb bastard--those were some fine years, fine years!

What really grinds his abnormally glowing gears is when some widely idolized, knighted musical legend like say Sir Paul McCartney tells a well-established fact harmless joke about how Bush is dumb and Obama is smart and the Earth rotates 'round the sun, and it's nice to receive an award from someone who doesn't call your old band, "The Bad Ass Bugs," before peeing his pants laughing hysterically, hehehehe.

“Getting this prize would just be good enough, but getting it from this president..." McCartney gushed, praising President Barack Obama for umm, not being a retarded f-up among other things.

“After the last eight years, it’s great to have a president who knows what a library is,” McCartney joked after receiving an award  for his  influence on American culture.

Well this sort of tomfoolery does not sit well with neon Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, whose sharp humor extends only to drowning terrorist suspects, not pointing out glaring intellectual deficiencies of former Republican presidents who may not be able to pronounce nuc-u-lar, but sure as sh*t knows how to use 'em!

“Like millions of other Americans, I have always had a good impression of Paul McCartney and thought of him as a classy guy, but I was surprised and disappointed by the lack of grace and respect he displayed at the White House,” Boehner told HUMAN EVENTS. “I hope he’ll apologize to the American people for his conduct which demeaned him, the White House and President Obama.”

How dare you use the words George W. Bush and library in the same sentence!? Have you no decency? Tsk, tsk! For shame, Sir, for shame!

The only people who will demean Mr. Obama and/or the White House are Orange Boehners, born again Fox News mental patients, former half-term governors driftin' in on the Arctic current, swastika waving patriots who can't spell constitution so just dress like human bags o' Lipton instead, and of course all 218 Grand Obstructionist Party members proudly voting "No!" in Congress.

Because real patriots like John Boehner know being truly demeaning is not forcing suspected detainees to wear dog chains and create awesome naked human pyramids, but having a beloved cultural icon and one of the most popular musicians of all time say a terrible, MEANY comment about his favoritest former President, the wonderfully, mighty Republican president, George W. Bush, all because he can't read good!

Almost as torturous as having to take orders from some scary black Socialist community organizer from Kenya, instead of a semi-literate born again who swapped Jägermeister for Jesus en route to becoming God's chosen messenger to drown New Orleans, bankrupt America, and bomb Muslims, here on Earth.

The good ol' days! When Boehner and the rest of the Grand Old Puppets could proudly pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under W, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all none.

A fool's paradise: It's the American Republican dream!

GOP Tries New, Mature Approach: Biting Their Nose To Spite Their Face

Oops, Reality Must Have Caught Mitch Off Guard Again!

Wah Wah! No fair! She hit me first! He pulled my hair! Wah Wah!

Like everything else they handle so impressively well, the Republicans' uncanny ability to face facts and accept defeat like mature, responsible adults elected by the people to represent the people, was in full effect this afternoon, when they very reasonably decided to shut down all Senate committee hearings because the meany Democrats went ahead and gave the poors health insurance without even caring about what they wanted to do (kill 'em?)!

Well two can play that game, my friends!

And if there's anyone who loves playing fun little games with America's democratic process and Americans' lives, it is the Grand Old Party of homophobes, Born Agains, racist old white men, and of course, Michael Steele's off-the-hook, hip hop youths straight out the streets, yo. Holla!

But what arcane, obscure Senate rule that shouldn't exist but does, did the Republicans pull out of Mitch McConnell's tortoise shell this time? You know, to show the DEMONcrats just what happens when you try to bullsh*t the very Party that invented the darn thing in the first place!

Oh yeah, the one that prevents all Senate proceedings from going past 2 p.m. without unanimous consent of all committee members because that's what you do when you don't get your way, and you're an old Republican whose nap time comes right about then: make life impossible for everyone else. Works wonders!

Because this is what respected middle-aged elected officials do when they don't like the Democrats passing bills helping the American people every other day, and are forced to resort to acting like grown children who govern out of anger and spite.

Yes, thanks to abnormally large egos and abnormally little brains, the Republicans have decided that it is much better to cancel all sorts of very important meetings on very important subjects because their Grand Old Pride and smug self-satisfaction is infinitely more important than some dumb hearing on contractor oversight in Afghanistan or homeless veterans. Please, like it was even a question!

Leave it to the loser Democrats to get all hot 'n bothered that the only people hurt by the Republicans' brilliant strategy(?) of no worky past lunchy, are the very ones who need their help most.

Like Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO), who was less than pleased to learn that her oversight hearing on police training contracts in Afghanistan, would have to be canceled because the Republicans' feelings were hurt.

"So what do I find out this morning? The Republican Party is not going to let us have the hearing? What in the world?"

"Why in the world are we not able to work this afternoon," McCaskill asked the Senate floor.

"The idea that I called to call these witnesses and say go home because the Republicans won't let us have a hearing? Somebody has got to explain this to me."

Ummm, when you don't have principles or a conscience, you can pretty much do whatever you like?

"The Senate was sent to Washington to work, and Republicans should feel free to vote "No" on the bill, but "let us work! I implore you, let us work."

What!?! To help your re-election chances and move this country even closer to Socialism, Nazism, Communism, Totalitarianism and every other bad thing that ends in ism?

Obstructionism, not included, of course.

"For months, Senate Republicans have resisted efforts to enact important reforms to our health insurance system," Judiciary Chairman Pat Leahy (D-VT) said.

"But when the dust settles and the emotions are calmed, history will show that President Obama and this Congress responded to a pressing national issue, and proved once again that we can act with the purpose of advancing an important national interest. Sadly, actions like today's objections from Senate Republicans to the consideration of a highly qualified, historic nominee will be viewed as little more than petty, partisan politics."

Ha ha, not if the new, improved Texas history textbooks have anything to say about it...

Good thing Sen. Daniel Akaka (D-Hawaii) does.

"The Senate should be a place for debate, but I cannot imagine how shutting down a hearing on helping homeless veterans has any part of the debate on the health insurance reform," he said. "I am deeply disappointed that my colleagues chose to hinder our common work to help end veteran homelessness."

Don't be silly, they are dealing with something far more important and much dearer to their hearts: Republican seatlessness come 2010.

What About Us?? Obama Assures Neglected Dems He Loves Them Too (In Spite of Being Massive Failures)

Jealous that the Socialist president everybody despises but secretly wants to jump into bed with, Barack Obama, spent some Quality Time alone with the terrible House Republicans during their group sex therapy rehab session policy retreat, the Democrats are now demanding Barry come to their powwow and bash them for being a bunch of pussy failures who ruin everything, too!

Of course, the historic Newseum in Washington DC isn't nearly as exciting as the Republicans' secret (sex?) bunker in Baltimore, but what do you expect from the party who thinks having an overwhelming majority means acting like a petrified minority with nary a legislative trick to stop them from being completely steamrolled by the scary Republican minority juggernaut, whom they outnumber 59-41? Yikes!

So, Barry is forced to go before his very competent and functional, brave Democratic party members to remind them yet again that George W. Bush is no longer president and, as such, they no longer have to hide quivering behind the inflatable Ronny Reagan blow-up doll Rahmbo brought in case of emergency. Like John McCain in the midst of one of his signature meltdowns (after embarrassing himself on live teevee again!) or Chuck Grassely scouring desperately for another teet to suckle (watch out, Nancy!).

Special thanks to the bravery of Barney Frank, who so generously volunteered his services to ensure all Democratic men are safe (at least for the time being) from the wide-stance ways of notorious man-tail hunter, Sen. Larry Craig.

So, everybody was all excited about President Obama's lovely pep talk with the Dems (especially Fox News), urging them that "we still have to lead" and not to give up, even after losing the filibuster-proof supermajority (they were too s-s-s-s-scared to take advantage of anyway). Hooray!

"All that's changed in the last two weeks is that our party's gone from having the largest Senate majority in a generation to the second largest Senate majority in a generation," Obama said. "And we've gotta remember that."

Then please feel free to squander it as you normally would.

But it wasn't all lectures and disappointment on Obama's end. No sir-ee! Barry even found some way to work in some praise and a few, "job well dones" or at least "job well trieds."

Like thanking the Democrats for not giving up in the face of unrelenting Republican obstructionism (and idiocy), and praising them for overcoming "enormous procedural obstacles that are unprecedented" in modern times, noting the fact that they cast more filibuster-breaking votes last year than in the entire 1950s and 1960s combined (so, at least they have more balls than the hippies?).

"That's 20 years of obstruction packed into just one...We extend a hand and all we get is a fist in return."

Time to put up your dukes, boys...and Nancy!

"I've said this before to this caucus, I want to say it again: for me it is constantly important to remind myself why I got into this in the first place.... You don't get into this for the fame, for the title. You get into it because at some point in time there was an issue that made you want to stand up and be counted, to fight for something."

Ehhh, not really. Unless changing the BCS rules counts, cause if so, then yes, hell yes!

"One of those issues being healthcare (Doh!): Well here we are, with a chance to change it.... As we think about moving forward, I hope we don't lose sight of why we're here. We've got to finish the job on health care. We've got to finish the job on financial regulatory reform. We've got to finish the job even though it's hard."

"If everyone here turned off their CNN, their Fox, turn off the TV, blogs (no!) and go out and meet real people ... they don't care quite frankly about majorities and minorities. We've got to get out of the echo chamber. That was a mistake I made last year, I didn't get out of here enough."

Hear that? Away from you freakshows and your echo chambers. Away, awaaay, awwaaaayy, awwwaaaaaayyyyy, awwwwaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy...

"What I'm not open to is a decision to stay on the sidelines and then assign blame. I have little patience for the kinds of political calculations that says the benefit of blocking everything is greater than the cost of doing nothing. That basically says if you lose, I win."

Well, Barry don't play that game, biaaatch!

But before he bid adieu, President Obama urged Democrats not to shrivel up like a wilting flower after losing their magical 60th Senate seat in January's Massachusetts special "incompetence edition" election.

"If anybody's searching for a lesson from Massachusetts, I promise you, the answer is not to do nothing."

It is to run like hell, shrieking at the top of your lungs and hoping, no, make that praying, that a certain Cosmo model from Massachusetts by the name of Scott Brown, doesn't mow you flat over in his gas-guzzling, macho pickup truck careening through New England en route to Washington, DC, where he will sit proudly atop Teddy Kennedy's ol' bones and contemplate the best way to rape ride his legacy full steam into the White House Oval Office.

Which, unlike NObama's hideous chocolate-hued mug, actually matches the lovely shape (not to mention color!) of his aesthetically beautiful, perfectly symmetrical face.