Turns Out Obama's Health Care Plan Does Include A Death Panel & It's Called The Supreme Court

While black teens in hoodies were being murdered for the terrible crime of WWBIGC (Walking While Black In Gated Communities), the nine Supremely irritating muumuus on the nation's High Court were chomping at the bit for some reason, any reason, to do away with that no-good Obama and his awful, un-American desire to have a health care system that doesn't toss poor people and kids with cancer into the streets like yesterday's trash, teeming with empty prescription bottles of life-saving medicine no one (except Mitt Romney) could afford to fill anyway.

I'll give you my freedom to die, sick and uninsured, when you pry it from my cold, arthritic hands. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

So, just what are the chances the evil, Kenyan, Socialist, Communist, Grandma-murdering wayward medical experiment known as Obamacare lives to see another day?

Even slimmer than the flimsy, tissue paper-thin judicial reasoning the supremely partisan, supremely right-leaning Court members are using to terminate Obama's signature domestic achievement, and if all goes well, (fingers crossed!) many perfectly savable American lives too.

Hooray!

Looks like it's time for another controversial 5-4 Supreme Court decision, ladies and germs! Oooh, oooh, maybe they are going to rule that George W. Bush is president again!

Via First Read:

"Such an outcome, especially after other 5-4 decisions like Bush vs. Gore and Citizens United, would have two potential consequences. One, it would feed the perception that the U.S. Supreme Court is as partisan as Congress and increasing parts of the media; in other words, these nine justices (either trained at liberal law schools or members of the conservative Federalist Society) are essentially political actors wearing black robes."

Wait, I thought actors were supposed to be hot. Let's just call them marionettes, shall we?

"And two and most importantly, a 5-4 decision would satisfy no one. If the court strikes down the mandate and the health-care law by that narrow margin, liberals and Democrats would blame it on the conservative justices. If the mandate and law are upheld by a 5-4 decision, conservatives would point their fingers at the liberals and the unpredictable "mushy" swing justice, Anthony Kennedy. That's the problem with a split decision: The losers would feel like they lost on a political technicality, not because there was a legal consensus."

Consensus?? That's for people who have to put on actual clothes to go to work and still face the possibility of getting fired at some point in their lifetime.

One Obama administration lawyer, Edwin Kneedler, urged caution, saying it would be "extraordinary" for the court to throw out the entire law. About 2.5 million young people under age 26 are on their parents' insurance now because of the new law. If it were struck down entirely, "2.5 million of them would be thrown off the insurance rolls."

To which Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts howled in maniacal glee, while Kennedy chuckled softly to himself, hoping to finally fit in somewhere, instead of always straddling the fence like some cheap, disease-ridden whore Scalia keeps chained beneath the dais to polish his wood (gavel, you sickos!) between sessions.

Either way, CNN's Jeffrey Toobin knows this whole Supreme Court brouhaha is every kind of transportation disaster imaginable!

"This still looks like a train wreck for the Obama Administration, and it may also be a plane wreck. This entire law is now in serious trouble. It also seems that the individual mandate is doomed...Well, it's hard to imagine how things could be going much worse for the Obama Administration."

Haha, that's easy. Two words: Romney Administration. Ugh, perish the thought.

Speaking of which, at a news conference held by health care supporters outside the court room, one cancer patient praised the law for saving her life.

"Because President Obama signed the Affordable Care Act, I get to keep my house, I won't go bankrupt, my kids are going to get to go to college, and I am going to live," Spike Dolomite Ward said to cheers.

Sorry, overruled! Their Supreme Condolences, though.

[image via Getty]

Supremely Scary: Nine Rich, Old People In Robes To Decide Fate Of Nation's Health Care

Rejoice, America! Barack Obama's signature Socialist legislation, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. Obamacare, which doesn't so much insure all Americans with actual health care as it does no longer allow billionaire health care executives to cackle wildly while doing the jitterbug on the sick, weakened bodies of children denied coverage, is finally heading to the Supreme Court, where nine men and women dressed in glorified Snuggies will rule on its Constitutionality, like whether your heart arrhythmia makes you 3/5ths what the white landowner with the robust, perfectly-beating heart next to you's worth.

Hooray?

But will the wonderful, infallible pro-slavery document of the late 1700s permit American citizens the right to not die, penniless and alone in the streets, even if it's not explicitly covered within its tattered, yellow pages of animal parchment?

From Reuters:

The Supreme Court agreed on Monday to decide the fate of President Barack Obama’s healthcare law, with an election-year ruling due by July on the healthcare system’s biggest overhaul in nearly 50 years.

The decision had been widely expected since late September, when the Obama administration asked the nation’s highest court to uphold the centerpiece insurance provision and 26 states separately asked that the entire law be struck down.

And then, if all goes well, drowned in a lake of brimstone and fire with the rest of the sinful acts of justice like Social Security, Civil Rights, and Voting Rights, where it belongs.

At the heart of the legal battle is whether the Congress overstepped its powers by requiring all Americans to buy health insurance by 2014 or pay a penalty, a provision known as the individual mandate.

Legal experts and policy analysts said the healthcare vote may be close on the nine-member court, with five conservatives and four liberals. It could come down to moderate conservative Justice Anthony Kennedy, who often casts the decisive vote.

The law, aiming to provide more than 30 million uninsured Americans with medical coverage, has wide ramifications for company costs and for the health sector, affecting health insurers, drugmakers, device companies and hospitals.

A decision by July would bring the healthcare issue to the heart of the presidential election campaign. Polls show Americans are deeply divided over the overhaul, Obama's signature domestic achievement.

Less divided are the fringe-right millionaire and billionaire business executives, who thanks to the biggest provisions of the law not taking effect until 2014, have a rare chance to completely erase the whole Obamacare "affordable insurance for everyone" fiasco before it actually happens.

But what about the people, you ask?

The people???

Ugh, to health with them!!

So, remember those death panels you keep hearing about?

It's called the Supreme Court.

[image via AP]

Second Is The Best! Latest, Greatest Legal Mind Cites Tea Party In Saving America From The Socialist Tyranny Of Affordable Health Care

Rejoice obese, saturated fat-clogged 'mericans ridin' around on socialized Medicare scooters, waving red, white, and blue flags for the freedom to patriotically die and/or go bankrupt trying to pay for li'l Johnny's bone marrow transplants.

Victory is yours! Errr, kind of.

Thanks to the latest, greatest, most likely racist old white judge in the confederacy land Roger Vinson's decision to toss his caffeinated bag into the proverbial scalding hot pot and toss Comrade Barry's socialist death panels out with one fell swoop of his glistening, now gubmint-free gavel.

Just the sort of thing that gives legendary ancient human/turtle hybrid, and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the false hope (or is it courage?) that, contrary to conventional wisdom, 47 votes is actually equal to 60, and thus enough to repeal President Obama's no-good health care reform to help poor people and young kids not needlessly die so insurance companies can get even more filthy rich, by a final tally of 51 decent human beings (aka Democrats) to 47 heartless bastards (better known as Republicans).

Hooray!

Naturally, nobody in their right mind expected this blustery bit of faux-outraged Republican-led repeal hysteria to actually pass into law or anything. Ha ha, as if! These are Republicans remember? Their entire existence consists of proposing terrible, dead-end legislation no one wants, with no realistic chance of ever passing, so long as it remains true to their #1 stated objective: doing the exact opposite of what Obama says or wants, regardless of what that is, in the desperate hopes it will wipe the insufferable smirk off his hideously charming, dangerously electable face.

What do you want them to do? Spend precious time and effort creating actual jobs for the American people? Hahaha, those lazy bums? Eww, gross. Heaven forbid!

Tell 'em to try lifting themselves up by their own damn bootstraps for a change instead of waiting for someone who maybe gives a shit about them (psst: certainly not a Republican!) to do something about it. Or they could always just pray to Jesus and Jesus' li'l bro Ronny Reagan to please maybe start trickling down some good fortune upon them from high above.

Sure, nothing compares to the first exhilarating time some wingnut federal judge in Virginia declared health care reform unconstitutional, but it's still enough to make you feel all tingly and warm inside, right?

Not to mention, while that wimpy Virginia judge only stuck down part of President Obama's signature health care legislation, the newest, bright shining legal mind to emerge from the murky blend of caffeinated herbs and ignorance, Judge Roger Vinson of Federal District Court in Pensacola, Florida, went the Full Monty, declaring the entire bill unconstitutional and thus void in these United States of No Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act-merica.

“Because the individual mandate is unconstitutional and not severable, the entire Act must be declared void.”

Yay! This judge wins at denying people access to health care until the new greatest legal mind ever to grace Fox News is born on this dear planet.

At a time when there is virtually unanimous agreement that health care reform is needed in this country, it is hard to invalidate and strike down a statute titled “The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.”

But, alas, in the end, he had to. And now he's famous, biatches!

Let freedom ring, even if it does sound suspiciously like a suffering child's untreated whooping cough.

Nothing a good old-fashioned pipin' hot mug o' tea couldn't solve!

Heroic Judge Saves Virginia (And Maybe America!) From The Evils Of Affordable Health Care

Congratulations, Virginia! Republican State Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli's fearless crusade to keep the gubmint's big, bad, ever-expanding health care paws off the God-fearing, ever-expanding waistlines of the good people of Virginia has finally succeeded...for now.

Hooray!

According to the honorable Henry E. Hudson, a federal judge in Virginia who ruled parts of Barack Obama's signature health care reform legislation unconstitutional, Congress cannot force people to buy health care coverage, especially when you consider how many jalapeño poppers a person can shove down their throats for the same price as a month’s worth of bland, oven baked, not even deliciously deep fried, health insurance.

In a 42-page opinion, Judge Hudson ruled the provision of the law that requires most individuals to get insurance or pay a fine by 2014 is an unprecedented & unlawful expansion of federal power that cannot be supported by the Commerce Clause of the Constitution. And it also apparently violates the lesser known Help People Not Unnecessarily Die (Or Go Bankrupt) Clause of the Constitution.

"Neither the Supreme Court nor any federal circuit court of appeals has extended Commerce Clause powers to compel an individual to involuntarily enter the stream of commerce by purchasing a commodity in the private market," he wrote. "In doing so, enactment of the [individual mandate] exceeds the Commerce Clause powers vested in Congress under Article I [of the Constitution.]"

Of course, the ruling by judge Henry Hudson, who was appointed to the bench by George W. Bush, has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with the fact that he is a major shareholder who owns between $15,000 and $50,000 in a GOP political consulting firm that gets paid to argue that health care reform's individual mandate is a terrible, unconstitutional Socialist threat to the very existence of America. It's really just that he's a Republican.

Hudson is the first judge to rule that the individual mandate is unconstitutional. He said, however, that portions of the law that do not rest on the requirement that individuals obtain insurance are legal and can proceed. Hudson indicated there was no need for him to enjoin the law and halt its implementation, since the mandate does not go into effect until 2014.

Tsk, tsk, silly Hudson! The dumb schmuck doesn't even realize that thanks to NObama and his terrible Socialist legislation to help poor people and kids with cancer not senselessly die or get fleeced by greedy insurance companies, there probably won't even be a 2014.

Either way, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli, who filed the case, one of 25 legal challenges against Obama's sweeping reform  legislation, because affordable health care is for pussies, heralded the Judge's ruling.

"I am gratified we prevailed," Cuccinelli said. "This won't be the final round, as this will ultimately be decided by the Supreme Court, but today is a critical milestone in the protection of the Constitution."

After all, Virginia is for (different sexed, same skinned!) lovers...of denying people health care.

What's Gross, Creepy, Slimy & Makes You Shudder All Over? A Nazi-Spewin' Newt Goin' Off The Deep End

Heil Newt?

Lovable amphibian-named pinnacle of reason and truth, Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich will say and do just about anything to get someone, anyone, to pay attention to what he, a thrice-married, twice divorced, multi-adulterous, washed-up former Republican Speaker of the House has to say about the current state of things, here in NObama's America, if you can even call this Socialist, Nazi hellhole America anymore.

You see, Newt has kept himself quite busy since his unceremonious resignation from his House seat and Speaker role over a DECADE ago, when thanks to his savvy leadership and smart policies of "Hell No!" and "Bill Clinton Die!" (while secretly sticking it to his own li'l office muffin), Republicans began hemorrhaging seats right, left, and every which way, and Newt was kindly asked to scram his hypocritical, enormous behind the hell out of Washington, DC.

But you betcha Newt has surely been doing very important things since his humiliating defeat way back in 1998, when Congress was charged with the critical national security task of figuring out all the mysterious things a Democratic president can do with a Cuban cigar, a certain intern ladies' hooha, and a few minutes of spare time.

Very important things like heading a health care lobbying firm to make sure the gross poors die in the streets where they belong, not nice, warm hospitals for decent, hardworking Americans who don't push their houses around in a grocery cart, whoring himself out to oil companies as their affable, white-haired spokesbaby to “Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less," and all those other awesome undersea adventures that happen when lining your nation's coastlines with offshore oil rigs no one checks or regulates because that doesn't help Newt get richer, baby richer!

But, on the bright side, you do get scores of delicious oil-soaked marine animals washing up on beaches up and down the Gulf Coast, from Florida to Mississippi to Louisiana, which can be tons of fun in it's own right!

But lining his pocket with millions in dirty oil money and dead dolphins isn't all Newt's been doing since departing from relevance as dear House Speaker. Not by a long shot!

Sir Newton has also been a highly-sought-after GOP adviser, doling out his trademark words of wisdom on everything from how to deny climate change (its easy if you try!) to help budding young conservative stars and longtime (orange) faces of the current minority Grand Obstructionist Party remain as disingenuous, deranged, and ultimately as successful in their desperate, maniacal quest for power as he was.Yay!

Newt has even put his years of tireless dedication and political know-how into the latest, greatest Pulitzer-worthy book from a Republican, not nicknamed after a terrifying aquatic creature, like, say a Barracuda, the soon-to-be legendary, To Save America, likely the second most important book in all of history, behind $arah Palin's 432-word tribute to her bank account, Goin' Rogue.

In this shining gem of truth and enlightenment, To Save America, Newt needn't bother with silly liberal lies, myths, or crazy figments of Al Gore's imagination like climate change or other concocted threats to America's security nobody but hippies, heathens, or arugula-eating elitists with advanced degrees in science believe anyway.

Puh-lease! Newt has much bigger fish to fry (in delicious oil?) than trying to preserve some dumb swirling blue third planet from the Sun (which is probably just Jesus glowing anyway, not some radioactive, helium and hydrogen superstar with a mass 330,000 times that of Earth, or about the size of Newt's ego).

Like saving this blessed red, white, and blue Union (of puritans) from evil Obama and the congressional Democrats' "secular-socialist machine" that "represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union."

VAN SUSTEREN: All right, Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union. Go a little far on that one?

GINGRICH: No. Because I’m not talking about moral equivalence of the people, I’m talking about the end result. If the Nazis had defeated us, then America as we know it would have disappeared. If the Soviet Union had defeated us, the America as we know it would have disappeared. I argue in this book—and I think it’s a pretty reasoned and compelling argument—that the fact is, the values of a secular socialist movement are antithetical—and you hear from President Obama all the time. … The secular socialist left doesn’t want God anywhere in public life and doesn’t want to acknowledge God anywhere in public life.

And since terrible Chairman ObaMAO actually believes in the constitutional separation of church and state (kinda like those "fathers" Newt and the rest of the human bags of Lipton love referencing so much), Newt is 100%  positive America will undoubtedly find itself on that slippery slope of rounding up and mass-murdering millions of innocent Jews, Gypsies, intellectuals, homosexuals, disabled, and elderly all in the name of the Aryan master race and achieving God's vision of a perfect, pure world.

Of course, Gingrich's "reasoned and compelling" argument for this alleged new Hitler with a jumpshot consists of sound, factual evidence, such as the voices in his head buzzing "Socialism" and "universal health care" and "helping poor people not die or go bankrupt" every time he closes he eyes at night, after his nanny lulls him to gentle sleep with a nice story about the good ol' days when America was mighty and strong and run by a real Christian leader with a rudimentary understanding of the English language and even less idea about running a country (to the ground?) or how to be a president (play golf and go on cool airplane rides with beds in them while giving unwanted back rubs to German lady prime ministers?).

WALLACE: So — but you compare that to the Nazis and the Communists?

GINGRICH: I compare that as a threat.

Who knows what kind of Holocausts will arise from the terrible government regulating the saints and do-gooders in the health insurance and oil industries who want nothing more than to make this world a better place for themselves, their children, and their children's children. Not included, of course, are those other "children" who didn't make it, thanks to exorbitant medical costs, sudden dropped coverage, lack of existing coverage, skyrocketing premiums, and other perfectly logical reasons why they're sorry to inform you that li'l Johnny's leukemia is no longer covered, but thanks for your life-savings anyway.

Oh, and you know that house of yours, yeah, we're gonna need to take that too. Don't hate us, we're just doing what God and the free market, and hidden fees, and duplicitous politicians and business schemes, (and billions of dollars in bonuses) would want us to do.

Newt just gets it! Which is precisely why he, like fellow messenger of Divinity, Glenn Beck, have found themselves suddenly stricken with a severe case of Nazi Tourettes, with the index of Newt's rational, fact-based book citing Nazi references eight times, each linking the Obama administration's progressivism and much-needed brand of social justice to Nazi Germany policies of Zyclon B gas chambers and total extermination.

Because who better to highlight the evil tendencies of humankind, namely of some dumb community organizer from Kenya or Chicago or Satan's womb, than a God-loving man named after a slimy, unsightly, pea-brained evolutionary freak of both land and sea, who was lovingly divorcing his various wives while they were recovering from cancer, all the while diddling his hot li'l GOP secretary on the sly, and prattling on about that Democratic Führer famous for his brilliant Oral Oratory skills.

No, not Obama silly, Bill Clinton!

Rush Confuses Being The Size Of A Volcano With Being An Actual Expert On Said Volcanoes

Vile, hate-spewing king of blubber and blabber, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, took to his favorite airwaves to seek some desperately needed attention, and also to remind the good (white) people of America that he is in fact, still living in this great land despite vowing to flee once Obama's evil plan to help those poor schlubs without effeminate, multimillion dollar palaces have access to affordable, quality health care, passed into law.

So thank you Rush, for at the very least, teaching us all the valuable lesson that life is full of disappointment, but if one wishes to reduce these disheartening blows, and avoid the more bitter aspects of human existence, they would be well advised not to believe a single word that comes rushing out of his gluttonous, overworked mouth.

Of course, considering the poetic brilliance that typically flows from his massive lips whenever some terrible event occurs (like America electing its first black president or passing health insurance that doesn't just ensure the health of the pharmaceutical companies), not to mention his sizable girth, ignoring the messenger isn't always easy.

Like just yesterday, when El Rushbo grabbed his bestest friend, Mike R. Phone, hit the on switch and began rambling on about how the volcanic eruption in Iceland was "God speaking" in response to the passage of health care in America, because apparently God can't tell the difference between frozen European tundra and frozen American tundra.

(Hint: If you see Sarah Palin shootin' at endangered wolves from the sky, it's our Arctic playground; the one where Bjork is wearing something that looks like whatever Sarah just shot and field-dressed, while skipping around yodeling about how it's "oh so quiet," it's theirs).

Anyway, so Rush is pretty sure that the passage of health care here is the reason why a glacial volcano went kablooey over there, because why wouldn't God reveal his Divine plans to an overweight, college-dropout with a drug problem?

RUSH: You know, a couple of days after the health care bill had been signed into law Obama ran around all over the country saying, "Hey, you know, I'm looking around. The earth hadn't opened up. There's no Armageddon out there. The birds are still chirping." I think the earth has opened up. God may have replied. This volcano in Iceland has grounded more airplanes -- airspace has more affected -- than even after 9/11 because of this plume, because of this ash cloud over Northern and Western Europe. At the Paris airport they're telling people to head to the train station to catch trains out of France, and when people get to the train station they're telling people, "There aren't any seats until at least April 22nd," basically a week from now. It's got everybody in a shutdown. Earth has opened up. I don't know whether it's a rebirth or Armageddon. Hopefully it's a rebirth, God speaking.

Hopefully, the kind that feasts on lying, ill-informed, obese hate mongers (with delusions of divinity), swallowing them up in its apocalyptic fury and wrathful vengeance en route to a brave new world, God speaking, of course.

So there you have it folks.

God decided to punish Americans for passing health care reform (to help poor people not die) by causing an Icelandic volcano to erupt and wreak havoc on European air travel.

Either God's aim is as pathetic as one of Sarah Palin's famous speeches-from-the-hand, or apparently, the All-Knowing, All-Powerful Creator of Heaven and Earth got into Rush's pill stash again.

The Doctor Is In...Sane? Denial? Hysterics?

Lunatic witch doctor Jack Cassell of Mount Dora, Florida (that's right, Dora) is so convinced it's only a matter of time before President Obama's apocalyptic health care reform will be used by our sadistic Democratic government to deny medical care to fellow, God-fearing Republicans, that he has decided to turn the tables (in his mind) and preemptively discriminate against Democrats first. Boo-ya!

"I'm not turning anybody away — that would be unethical," Dr. Jack Cassell, 56, a Mount Dora urologist and a registered Republican opposed to the health plan, told the Orlando Sentinel. "But if they read the sign and turn the other way, so be it."

The sign reads: "If you voted for Obama...seek urologic care elsewhere. Changes to your healthcare begin right now, not in four years."

Awww, snap!! Hear that, DEMONcrats? Maybe next time it stings like the dickens every time you attempt to relieve yourself, you'll think twice about voting for an illegal, half-black Kenyan Socialist who desperately wants to murder Granny and baby Trig as the new Redistributionist-in-Chief of these United States.

How you like them apples?

But just in case his "No Obama fans allowed" sign doesn't keep the riff-raff and undesirables away, Dr. Cassell has so generously provided his patients with photocopies of a health-care timeline produced by Republican leaders (so you know it's accurate) outlining "major provisions" in the health-care package. (Like how long you have to wait before Grandma is officially "shovel ready" for the home-made grave in the backyard).

The sign above the stack of copies reads: "This is what the morons in Washington have done to your health care. Take one, read it and vote out anyone who voted for it."

On the bright side, we're just happy at least one Republican knows how to actually spell the word "moron" correctly.

Outspoken Florida Democrat and Godless Obama supporter, Rep. Alan Grayson said he was "disgusted" by the "ridiculous" sign.

"Maybe he thinks the Hippocratic Oath says, 'Do no good'," Grayson said. "If this is the face of the right wing in America, it's the face of cruelty...Why don't they change the name of the Republican Party to the Sore Loser Party?"

Why would they do something crazy like that when everyone knows they're going to clean up come November when they take back health care on their way to taking back the House, the Senate, and their brains, which apparently have been hibernating ever since that awkward old man unleashed that sexy Arctic fox who doesn't speak so good but sure's got one helluva fine ass wink. Oh, you betcha!

"If I was one of his patients, I would not walk away, I'd run," said Patsy Robertson, 73, a Democrat and retired nurse. "He does not need to be taking care of people's lives if that's his mentality."

Damn right! He should be with the rest of the Grand Old Party obstructing things in Washington where he belongs!

Cassell's former medical partner, urologist Dr. James Young, a self-described liberal Democrat, said a patient's politics should be no more important to a doctor than his favorite baseball team.

"It'd be like me saying I'm not going to treat a Cubs fan," said Young, a lifelong fan of the St. Louis Cardinals. "There are a number of thoughtful doctors who feel like Jack and probably a like number who feel the exact opposite, but they're not going to put a sign on their door. As doctors, our chief concern should always be what's best for the patient."

Or your bank account. Either one, really.

"I think he's saying, 'If you voted for Obama, you made a decision and that decision has consequences,'" said retired neurologist Dr. William Crowley, who praised the doctor for provoking a discussion.

Because any urologist dumb enough to vote for the McCain/Palin ticket, err trainwreck, and also dumb enough to believe the "bill wants you to die sooner," is certainly good enough to cut the wrong tube during my operation!

Margaret Taormino, a 72-year-old retired social worker, expressed a common sentiment about Dr. Jack Cassell.

"My husband and I don't need a urologist," she said, "but if we ever do, he's our guy."

Guess some people just don't know Jack!

Sarah Palin Continues Her Dingbat Drifter Tour Across The Mainland

Fresh off helping Gramps McCain lose his second election in as many years, sweet Sarah Palin arrived in Bush's old stomping ground, Midland, Texas, to speak to the good ol' boys and gals on behalf of the Liberty and Freedom Foundation about the terrible reversal of fortune that has come to pass ever since that chocolate-hued Kenyan menace stole the election from decent, hardworking, real, white Americans like y'all gathered here today.

"There's such an appreciation here for your freedom," Palin told the crowd of about 1,300 fellow freedom fighters who signaled their roaring approval by alternately shouting "Amen" and ringing cowbells.

Sadly, Sarah didn't get to spend as much time talking about her favoritest subject, energy production, (drill baby drill!) as she'd like, focusing instead on getting people all fired up about the terrible tree-hugging, hippie dippie direction of the country under President Barack Obama.

Too bad the God awful 'lamestream' media had to once again go and skew her nice 'n wholesome interactive map hit list targeting vulnerable congressional Democrats by putting gun crosshairs over them, along with the not-at-all suspicious words "reload," "aim" and "fire," as inciting violence. Ugh, typical elitist Jew run media!

"Take up your arms' means voting," Palin clarified.

Oh, silly us! We forgot that in wingnut 2nd amendment land, or real America, the phrase 'taking up arms' doesn't mean grabbing your Smith & Wesson and/or Colt 45 and peppering holes in the nearest Democratic lawmaker's office, but peacefully heading to the ballot box to exercise your constitutional right to pull levers, punch chads, or put a check mark next to whichever Grand Old Party candidate is more birther, oather, and loves freedom, but hates Barry the most.

"I love her," said Shelly Rollins of Midland, who was hoping to get an autographed copy of Palin’s 432-page assault on the written word, Going Rogue. "She reminds me of me."

She's dumb, selfish, self-centered, disingenuous, petty, small-minded, hypocritical, loves Jesus Christ, and is in it for herself, too!

Palin, who said that she was glad to see all of the young kids in the audience, was very critical of the horrible debt liberals had somehow magically managed to create in record-shattering time of one whole year.

"That's selfish and it's generational theft," Palin said.

And who knows more about either than our li'l Alaskan ice queen herself? Besides, our hard-earned money should only be used for important things, like startin' wars, findin' oil, and who knows, maybe even buyin' a fancy new wardrobe so unknown Alaskan mavericks still look good even when soundin' bad.

Good thing Crosby Cobb, a 10-year-old who dressed as Sarah Barracuda for Halloween, got to miss school for the special occasion of hearing her highness speak, 'stead of wastin' time readin', writin' 'n 'rithmeticin'!

"She's just someone who stands up for women's rights and shows that just because you're a woman doesn't mean you can't do something," Cobb said.

'Cept have control over your own reproductive rights. But, eh, that's no big deal. I mean just look at Bristol, she's doing fine 'n dandy without it, thank you very much!

Far, far more important is having control over the arugula-eating members of the mainstream media (MSM), who as with any Sarah Palin event, were given a strict set of rules and guidelines to follow if they hoped to get their grubby paws anywhere near Miss Thang during her whistle stop tour across bumblef**k USA, helping ensure the Grand Old Party of rednecks, racists, and wingnuts remains that way for a long, long time--a minority.

When asked about the strict media restrictions, from no television cameras or recordings, other than still photographs--during the first and last five minutes of her speech ONLY--to prohibiting audience members from asking questions, Liberty and Freedom Foundation executive director Victor Cocchia said that Palin didn't want the event to be about her, but rather about the people of the area.

Oh, Sarah, always thinking of others! If I didn't know better, I'd think she was Mother Theresa herself!

Cocchia also said that some of the restrictions, such as not allowing interviews with people attending the event or asking their names, were not due to Palin or the foundation ('course not!), and may have been because volunteers misinterpreted what they were supposed to do.

Like check their brains at the door?

"Maybe next time we'll do things just a hair different," Cocchia said.

Oh goody gumdrops! Sarah's new A-list Hollywood stylist has all sorts of fabulous new 'dos he's just DYING to try on our adorable Alaskan bunny.

But thanks to evil NObamaCare, he probably won't even get a chance to do that now. Die, that is.

Just One Question, What The Hell's A Moran?

GOP Tries New, Mature Approach: Biting Their Nose To Spite Their Face

Oops, Reality Must Have Caught Mitch Off Guard Again!

Wah Wah! No fair! She hit me first! He pulled my hair! Wah Wah!

Like everything else they handle so impressively well, the Republicans' uncanny ability to face facts and accept defeat like mature, responsible adults elected by the people to represent the people, was in full effect this afternoon, when they very reasonably decided to shut down all Senate committee hearings because the meany Democrats went ahead and gave the poors health insurance without even caring about what they wanted to do (kill 'em?)!

Well two can play that game, my friends!

And if there's anyone who loves playing fun little games with America's democratic process and Americans' lives, it is the Grand Old Party of homophobes, Born Agains, racist old white men, and of course, Michael Steele's off-the-hook, hip hop youths straight out the streets, yo. Holla!

But what arcane, obscure Senate rule that shouldn't exist but does, did the Republicans pull out of Mitch McConnell's tortoise shell this time? You know, to show the DEMONcrats just what happens when you try to bullsh*t the very Party that invented the darn thing in the first place!

Oh yeah, the one that prevents all Senate proceedings from going past 2 p.m. without unanimous consent of all committee members because that's what you do when you don't get your way, and you're an old Republican whose nap time comes right about then: make life impossible for everyone else. Works wonders!

Because this is what respected middle-aged elected officials do when they don't like the Democrats passing bills helping the American people every other day, and are forced to resort to acting like grown children who govern out of anger and spite.

Yes, thanks to abnormally large egos and abnormally little brains, the Republicans have decided that it is much better to cancel all sorts of very important meetings on very important subjects because their Grand Old Pride and smug self-satisfaction is infinitely more important than some dumb hearing on contractor oversight in Afghanistan or homeless veterans. Please, like it was even a question!

Leave it to the loser Democrats to get all hot 'n bothered that the only people hurt by the Republicans' brilliant strategy(?) of no worky past lunchy, are the very ones who need their help most.

Like Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO), who was less than pleased to learn that her oversight hearing on police training contracts in Afghanistan, would have to be canceled because the Republicans' feelings were hurt.

"So what do I find out this morning? The Republican Party is not going to let us have the hearing? What in the world?"

"Why in the world are we not able to work this afternoon," McCaskill asked the Senate floor.

"The idea that I called to call these witnesses and say go home because the Republicans won't let us have a hearing? Somebody has got to explain this to me."

Ummm, when you don't have principles or a conscience, you can pretty much do whatever you like?

"The Senate was sent to Washington to work, and Republicans should feel free to vote "No" on the bill, but "let us work! I implore you, let us work."

What!?! To help your re-election chances and move this country even closer to Socialism, Nazism, Communism, Totalitarianism and every other bad thing that ends in ism?

Obstructionism, not included, of course.

"For months, Senate Republicans have resisted efforts to enact important reforms to our health insurance system," Judiciary Chairman Pat Leahy (D-VT) said.

"But when the dust settles and the emotions are calmed, history will show that President Obama and this Congress responded to a pressing national issue, and proved once again that we can act with the purpose of advancing an important national interest. Sadly, actions like today's objections from Senate Republicans to the consideration of a highly qualified, historic nominee will be viewed as little more than petty, partisan politics."

Ha ha, not if the new, improved Texas history textbooks have anything to say about it...

Good thing Sen. Daniel Akaka (D-Hawaii) does.

"The Senate should be a place for debate, but I cannot imagine how shutting down a hearing on helping homeless veterans has any part of the debate on the health insurance reform," he said. "I am deeply disappointed that my colleagues chose to hinder our common work to help end veteran homelessness."

Don't be silly, they are dealing with something far more important and much dearer to their hearts: Republican seatlessness come 2010.

Nazi Pelosi's Gavel, Coupled With Barry's Signature Means Granny And Trig Will Be Dead In A Week

OH NO!!! Health Care has passed and soon all of us will be dead and buried along with Grandmama and baby Trig and no one will be alive to remember this terrible day when freedom died, insurance companies were regulated, and every fifth Republican was forced by law to have an automatic abortion.

Well not everyone is taking kindly to this new shovel-ready government takeover of America's health care (the greatest in the world!), until approximately midnight Sunday, when in one swift strike of Nazi Pelosi's gavel, all hell broke loose, and America was abruptly reduced to a pathetic, Socialist shadow of its former self.

Let the countdown to Armageddon begin!

Perhaps it is another manifestation of the temporary Obama Derangement Syndrome that comes with having a scary Black man occupy the pure White House, but whatever the case may be, the passing of evil ObamaCare to help insure millions of struggling Americans, caused some people (namely congressional Republicans and their friendly "n*gger and f*ggot" shouting teabagging constituents) to lose whatever semblance of a rational mind still left in the ol' tank.

Like the newest Joe Wilson-like shining star of the Grand Old Party, Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX), whose own brave and courageous Tourette's Syndrome moment came during Sunday night's House debate on reform when he just couldn't stop himself from shrieking "baby killer" at pro-life Democrat turned pro-death health care supportin' traitor Bart Stupak while he spoke on the House floor. By accident.

Tsk tsk, Randy darling!

Have you no decency sir?

Oh right, your district went 72%-27% for McCain in 2008 so its Rep's shameful inability to control his bizarre loudmouth tendencies will probably keep his campaign coffers stuffed nice 'n fat for life, which, thanks to the DEMONcrat's terrible bill, will likely be a fraction of what it once would have been.

Of course, it did take Randy quite some time to step forward and claim the latest uncivilized outburst as his own brilliant handiwork, probably because he's so humble and doesn't like taking credit for the many heroic things he does for the American people. Just the kind of guy he is.

"Last night was the climax of weeks and months of debate on a health care bill that my constituents fear and do not support. In the heat and emotion of the debate, I exclaimed the phrase 'it's a baby killer' in reference to the agreement reached by the Democratic leadership. While I remain heartbroken over the passage of this bill and the tragic consequences it will have for the unborn, I deeply regret that my actions were mistakenly interpreted as a direct reference to Congressman Stupak himself."

"I have apologized to Mr. Stupak and also apologize to my colleagues for the manner in which I expressed my disappointment about the bill. The House Chamber is a place of decorum and respect. The timing and tone of my comment last night was inappropriate."

And as a result, I will now become the defacto leader of the new Republican Party of deranged Klansmen who love tea almost as much as freedom and fetuses.

Freedom-fighters like John McCain who is not done selling his soul in a desperate attempt to stave off total irrelevancy for another four-year term.

"There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year," McCain said during a radio interview Monday. "They have poisoned the well in what they've done and how they've done it." Hapuff!

Meanies!

Now if only I could use some of that same toxic well juice on that goddamn nut JD Hayworth before the bastard boots me out of my beloved desert state, which I own because of the rich wifey, who much like everyone else, can't really stand me either.

"In my opinion, the institution of the Congress has been fundamentally harmed," explained doomsday oracle Sen. Judd Gregg, whose love of all things double applies to consonants in his name as well as standards in Congress, because everyone knows the process Democrats used to craft the bill is completely unjustified except when Republicans do it.

Still, Gregg acknowledged that voters' (non-existent) concerns about processes used to pass the health care bill might have abated, along with their failing health and/or bankruptcy woes, by November.

"There will be other events in this nation which capture the attention of the American people," he told CNBC. "So it's very possible that people will not be as focused on this by next November."

You better believe we'll find something else to scare the bejesus out of the dumb public by then!

I mean how else do you expect us to get elected, tell the truth?? Lol.

C'mon, you know us better than that!

Barackalypse Now: Teabaggers Lose Their Minds, While The Rest Of Us Get Health Care!

While our evil commander in chief rolls through DC with his tyrannical posse of limo-ridin' hookers, hos, and enough health care votes to go around en route to his victory party tonight, the really BIG news was that a couple hundred anti-Semites, homophobes, Neo-Nazis, and straight up Jim Crow lovin' racists loitered around Capitol Hill shrieking about how NObama is Hitler because he's always trying to help the poors get health care.

Turns out, Adolf Obama managed to convince neonatal crusader Bart Stupak and his ever shrinking, now-six or so strong, pro-life disciples that a nice letter saying "abortion is bad" (and ending the ten-month standoff) is probably a better idea than outlawing abortion entirely. So, good job Bart! Obama will indeed draft a sternly worded letter about what happens when ladies aren't careful with their hoohas, and you can agree to go back to complete obscurity except for those fleeting 15 minutes when everyone knows your name for being that one Democratic douchebag who loves babies in their mothers' wombs too much to care about the rest of us poor schmucks unlucky enough to be born.

But the freedom-fightin' tea connoisseurs aren't about to take a shovel to Grandma without showing the whole Fox News-watching world just how patriotic they can be by shouting "n*gger" and "f*ggot" at the evil socialist government, and its elected representatives for putting their grubby hands all over the good American people.

Which is why they're here to make a statement(?) about the beloved country they're so concerned about losing the second NObamaCare is shoved down our throats through normal legislative procedures by actual elected lawmakers.

"Kill the Bill! Kill the Bill! Kill the Bill! It's called Slavery! They are using you!"

And I always thought that slavery was when you own another human being as your possession, not when you're on the brink of passing arguably the most historic piece of legislation in recent memory.

Not so my friends, not so! Gosh, what else have I been missing all these years?

"Our country is going down the toilets really fast because our leaders are refusing to listen to us, they're being like tyrannical dictators."

Tyrannical dictators who won't stop 'til every last America is properly insured! Mwwwwaaahhaaaa!

"Why push health care on people that have with excellent health care? We have the best health care in the world!!"

As long as you don't get sick, fatty!

Besides, "It is all about bureaucracy and control. It is NOT AT ALL about people's health."

We simply don't like black people telling us how to do anything, let alone receive better, more affordable medical care! What do we look like idiots or something?

Just listen to the man wearing the Mickey Mouse wizard hat, wool scarf, and psychedelic tie-dyed shirt with a giant eyeball. He knows the truth: "the government can't run anything effectively and to think that they can run health care is smoking the funny stuff."

And judging by the get-up, this dude knows a thing or two about what funny stuff will do to a person's mind, not to mention fashion sense.

Speaking of minds...

"Three words: Not Good For The Country."

Eh, that's five words, but who cares? Everyone knows numbers are just another made-up government plot to fool the unsuspecting people.

So, what are some of the problems with the health care bill that Congress is trying to pass now?

"That's not a bill. That's socialized." **Shrug**

Ha ha, natives who can't speak English, adorable!

Okay, let's try this again: What are some of the things in it that you have a problem with?

"Oh, I don't know, I don't know." Translation: I can't read.

Fine, let's ask the nice, young lady in tasteful "I survived Roe v. Wade" t-shirt. She looks like she actually knows something about what she's protesting on the Capitol about.

"Yeah, that nice little death tax. Where they would rather send you a $50 check for a blue pill, an end-of-life pill, than pay for the necessary medical expenses."

Whoa, whoa, sex must be really bad for you to refer to that magic blue tablet that helps the hubby get hot for you as an end-of-life pill!

Maybe the guy wearing the impeach Obama (and obligatory Hitler mustache) sign can help clear things up.

"ObamaCare is euthanasia. It's rationing."

"They have a curve, where as you start out as a baby you become more and more important, 'til you get to a certain age you're not important anymore."

Hmmm, wonder why I never heard about this secret curve of death. Must be another liberal lie from the mainstream media.

And where would people find such horrors in the bill?

"I don't even know what's in the bill per se."

Or what that weird French(ish) sounding word even means, but I'll say it anyway cause I'm a teabagger and I don't need the tyranny of the English language telling me what I can or cannot grammatically say!

"Kill The Freaking Bill! Socialized medicine! Rationing! We don't want it!!" Grrrrrrrrrr!

Hello crazy lady, why don't you tell us about your "Ameristan" signs here.

"Okay well, to me he (Barack Hussein Obama) is creating Ameristan: of the government, by the government and for the government."

Why "Stan" though?

"Well, I just think that...um...just creating...eh, just um...there's been a lot, uh..." what's that word I'm looking for again?

Oh yeah, foreign! It sounds foreign, yeah, that's it! Foreign! Gross.

"We think the government should adhere to the constitution. When Barack Obama...I don't believe Barack Obama believes in the constitution."

Even though he was a constitutional scholar?

"Eh, so, they say." Just like they say 9/11 wasn't an inside job, Hussein Obama wasn't born in Kenya, and America really landed on the moon.

"It is against our U.S. Constitution, they way these guys are gonna backdoor this health care bill, it's not in...and I have a pocket of, I have a pocket, err, constitution here somewhere...umm..it's in the other pocket."

Okay, so maybe I just have a pocket, but that's not the point.

The point is the same hole Obama used to shove health care down our throats is the very same one that let the damn constitution fall out of my pocket in the first place!

So what would you guys like to see our health care reform look like?

"Tort reform! Tort reform! Tort reform!"

"Stop suing the pants off the doctors, that's why medical bills are so high!"

But independent sources say tort reform would only lower the medical costs by about 1.5 percent? What do you think of that?

Blech. Tort reform! We like AMERICAN cakes, not fancy schmancy European pastries!

Crazy guy who looks like the Unabomber in a sombrero: "I believe that Jesus, Yeshua, the Messiah actually in Hebrew, is our great physician. If we pray to him we can be healed."

Even for people who don't have insurance?

"Natural herbs and remedies have been found even by the Indians, and by the Hindus and by the Chinese to take care of a lot of our ills in a very inexpensive, affordable manner."

Tea for instance?

But, what do you think should happen with the 30 million who don't have insurance?

"I don't believe there's 30 million people that don't have insurance. There's always going to be people who need help. Always, that's a fact of life. There's always gonna be poor people."

Look, they said Hitler killed 6 million of them Jews and we all know what a crock that is.

"I challenge anybody to read that 2,000 plus page bill--the first one that came out and essentially everything they want to do is roughly the same."

Really? But the bill remakes, rather re-regulates the largest industry in our country and it is still only the size of a couple of Harry Potter books.

"Oh, hahahahaha! That's a great analogy because I think if we go into that bill, that's the kind of world we'll be living in, a Harry Potter world."

Where the evil wizard Lord Voldemort (Barack Obama) wants to enslave the rest of the powerless Muggles and it is up to brave Hogwarts like you, me, and the guy carrying the Hitler poster to save humanity.

Why isn't the media covering this?

Ugh, arugula eating elitists!

"We recommend Fox News. Fair and balanced, everyone else is on Obama's side."

Fox News!!

It's like real news, 'cept for dumb racists who don't like big words or smart brown people telling them what to do.

Like drop dead. Or get health care.

It Wouldn't Be A Health Care Debate Without A GOP Congressman Tossing Civil War Threats Around

Nevermind the millions of struggling Americans whose lives depend on the health care bill passing, the best part of this bill--and there are SO MANY good parts to choose from--is all the casual talk of violence and chaos that will be incited by confused, not-so-bright teabaggers all all across the mighty U.S. of A.

Surely, such wild-eyed fear and widespread panic couldn't be a result of the Republican National Committee's strategy of lies, deception, and crazed cartoons alone!

But from what shining well of wisdom could these apocalyptic visions of doom and destruction be coming from?

Usually, when looking for members of Congress who are likely to make unhinged, borderline-disturbed remarks, we tend to rely on old standbys like Reps. Steve King (R-Iowa) and Michele Bachmann to get the poor masses all fired up about whatever terrifying element is threatening their precious liberty now.

But then like a bolt of lightening in the night sky, out storms Rep. Paul Broun (he's too classy to spell Brown the normal way) to remind the good people of America, that when it comes to Conservative Crazies in Congress, those blue-eyed darlings Steve King and his lovely Queen Michelle ain't got nothin' on this deliciously deranged Georgian peach.

Well, Rep. Broun is very nervous--panicked in fact, over the dark, chocolate-colored menace threatening to wreak Socialist havoc all across hardworking WHITE America. You know of what he speaks. For it has happened before!

"The War of Yankee Aggression," or the Civil War, as its known to normal, 21st century people who don't hate black people, coming this time in the form of a health care system that actually helps people live, not insurance executives live the high life. Oh, the horror!

Thankfully, the same brilliant soothsayer who warned of the second coming of Hitler in the form of a lanky, smooth-talkin' charmer with a sweet jumpshot, is on the House floor to foretell of the hellish nightmare to be if evil health reform passes. Gasp!
"If ObamaCare passes, that free insurance card that's in people's pockets is gonna be as worthless as a Confederate dollar after the War Between The States -- the Great War of Yankee Aggression."

Which is almost as worthless as an American dollar after the War Between Good and Evil--the great War of Dick and Bush!

Ah yes, in the unstable, deluded mind of Mr. Broun, not only is the terrible North responsible for not one, but two civil wars (thanks to that notorious Northern Aggression), but everyone carries a "free insurance card," right next to their "get out of jail free" and "do not pass go" cards. Naturally.

Except for Grandma, who shovel ready or not (sorry, Michelle Bachmann), is going six-feet under, no ifs, ands, or buts about it! And same goes for that li'l Trigger fellow whose only "special need" once evil ObamaCare passes is to be tossed in a shallow grave next to Granny, as quickly, cheaply, and effortlessly as possible.

Think of it as the Republicans' election strategy: goners, either way.

Of course, it is worth noting that if by some miracle of God (or Satan), combined with a hearty dose of Democratic incompetence, the Republicans reclaim the House majority next year, Sir Paul Broun and his stunning intellectual prowess will be the Chairman of the House Science Committee's panel on investigations and oversight. Yay!!

Which means the South finally thwarts the evil Union's unwanted advances, humans evolved from Adam's rib, not disgusting apes in the Congo, the Sun once again revolves around the Earth, and America assumes its rightful place as the bestest, freest, most perfect country in the whole wide world, just like God intended.

Let freedom ring?

Holy Duo Glenn Beck And Steve King Know A Health Care Vote On Sacred Sunday Means A Beautiful Angel Will Die

Rep. Steve King Doin' God's Work Per Usual

With the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) dropping the ATOMIC BOMB that the DEMONcrats' evil health care reform bill will reduce the deficit by $130 billion over the next ten years ($1.2 trillion over 20 years), and extend coverage to 32 million currently uninsured Americans, the dominoes are finally falling into place for Congressional Dems to move ahead and actually vote on this terrible holocaust of the poor, hardworking insurance industry this coming Sunday. Heavens forbid!

Which naturally means the dominoes on the other side of the aisle--who were already hanging by the slightest of threads--are finally falling apart.

Well, blue-eyed angels of mercy Glenn "I am Sam" Beck and Iowa Rep. Steve "Bachmann Wants On This" King, are not about to sit back and have mental breakdowns all by themselves, in the privacy of their own large, spacious homes, where no one can hear their pained cries of liberty lost. No sir-ee!

They're taking their instability straight to the people, expressing their dual outrage in sweet, collective harmony on Glenn Beck's radio show over the terrible news that the House might vote on health care reform this Sunday, the holiest of holy days!

The day the good Lord intended us to rest, not cast unholy votes on Satanic legislation to help dumb poor people not die, while rich fat cat insurance execs can get that sumptuous leopard fur coat with the alligator-skin lining they've been eying for years. Positively drooling over!

Rep. Steve King, for one, will not stand for such sacrilege, and is naturally taking his crusade to the airwaves.

"They intend to vote on the Sabbath, during Lent, to take away the liberty that we have right from God..."

Oh, you didn't know? Like most GOPers, Steve King has a personal relationship with Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.

"Faith has been perverted," Beck responded, then repeated. "They are going to vote for this damn thing on a Sunday, which is the Sabbath, during Lent."

Of course they would, the heretic bastards! Putting people's lives before the Sabbath, it's just sick. Waaaaaaaaay sicker than the millions of people in desperate need of the kind of Nazi coverage this Judas bill would provide.

"Here is a group of people that have so perverted our faith and our hope and our charity, that is a — this is an affront to God," Beck said.

Though Beck conceded that he didn't believe the Sunday vote was consciously chosen as a plot against God, he did find the timing highly suspicious. Though, that does tend to happen when you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia.

"I think it's absolutely appropriate that these people are trying to put the nail in the coffin on our country on a Sunday -- something our founders would have never, ever, ever done. Out of respect for God."

Never, neverr, nevvverrrr, nerrrrverrr, nerrrrrverrrrrr!!!!

Except for that one little time the Republican-controlled Senate convened on Palm Sunday (gasp!) in 2005 to save the only other life that matters to Republicans, besides a developing fetus: brain-dead women in permanent vegetative states, relying on the grace of God in the form of feeding tubes named Terri Schiavo.

Of course, that's totally different since everyone knows when Republicans do something, it is because God wills it, but when Democrats do the very same thing, it is because they are evil Nazis trying to destroy White, Christian America by turning it into a hedonist cesspool of sodomy and sin.

Kind of like when Glenn Beck told listeners last week to "run as fast as you can" from any church that preached "social or economic justice" because those were code words for Communism and Nazism, he really meant for them to flee on those other non-important days of the week, since God could care less about the the rest of the unconsecrated Monday-Friday week.

Sunday, on the other hand, is sacred, never to be soiled by Democratic infidels! I mean, when else can the Creator of Heaven and Earth throw back some brewskies while chillin' in his La-Z-Boy, catchin' some March Madness and not care who sees the Doritos crumbs all over his crisp white tunic?

On a depraved Monday?? Blasphemy!

Teabaggers Know Obama 'Bin' Pretendin' To Be American 'Agin'!

You may think Teabaggers are nothing more than ignorant, gun-crazed Grand KKK Wizards with nothing better to do than intimidate old people at peaceful health care town hall debates, and pretend to go into cardiac arrest outside of Senate offices because they love freedom but hate black presidents who try to give them more health insurance options than starve to death or pay for their five-year-old kid's life saving kidney operation.

But did you know that they are also comic geniuses? Think about it. Without these frizzy haired, toothless lovers of herbs, spices, and liberty waving Nazi signs signs and WWJD posters, there would be no hilariously stupid homemade signs to provide hours of entertainment and hearty laughter for the rest of us unpatriotic Socialists who hate America and want nothing more than to see the Constitution burned and strung up from the nearest tree in an exciting, fun-filled public execution ceremony.

Which is why we are eternally grateful for these loyal patriots who drove their freedom trucks from all across the U.S. of A to head to the heart of darkness (aka Washington, DC) to participate in Tuesday's "Code Red Health Care Rally" to protest the $875 billion health care bill and harass the terrible DEMONcrats trying to shove health care down the throats of decent, hardworking Americans whose throats feel just fine, thank you very much.

But this time, the evil Feminazis and abortionists running the Democratic Party have decided to finally fight back against the crazy Republicans' attempts to turn every single, obscure-yet-common procedural move into proof of the coming doomsday Barackalypse.

House Speaker and chief SS officer, Nancy Pelosi had the nerve to send House Democrats a memo offering tips for how nervous Dems should handle the crowds of blood-thirsty teabaggers swarming their offices, demanding either answers or heads-on-sticks. Preferably, the latter.

"Tens of thousands of conservative and Tea Party activists will be on the Hill as part of what they are dubbing a 'Surge Against Obamacare,'" reads the memo, which also includes a checklist of provisions in the current bill to counter the "caricature of the reform bill presented by right-wing media outlets."

A checklist of facts which includes such mainstream media lies as: "Reduces the deficit; Cracks down on Medicare waste, fraud, and abuse; Provides historic tax credit for small businesses and individuals to purchase health insurance."

Haha, nice try Nancy. I mean who needs facts when you have throngs of pitchfork-wielding teabaggers carrying their own, awesome, homemade versions of the truth?

Truths like "Obama bin Lyin' Agin" because everyone knows our 44th President is really Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden disguised as a charming former community organizer with a sweet jumpshot and a burning desire to reform health care in a twisted, ingenious plot to curb the insurance industries fleecing of the public, and improve the health of the nation, just so he can destroy the whole, robust lot of 'em once they're no longer bed-ridden and/or rotting in debtors prison.

Of course, "Agin" isn't just the savvy teabaggers way of spelling "again," like a true American either, but likely secret code for something terrible and racist dumb people like to call colored presidents when they try to come between them and their doctor and the insurance company already lodged cozily between them.

But the big question is what the hell is a George W. Bush cartoon doing on the above teabagger's lovely sign?

Certainly, it can't be a picture of NObama, without the obligatory Hitler mustache, watermelon patches, or piles of Jewish corpses to accompany it.

C'mon people, how are we supposed to get all fired up about Barry's Bolshevik plot to murder Grandma and snack on Baby Trig if we don't even know how to properly draw an insulting cartoon version of him?

I mean, here we are, supposed to hate the man for destroying The Great America, and all I want to do is hug him, grab some beers, and maybe go for a ride on his magical Dumbo ears over to Crawford Ranch to visit his twin brother and lovely wife Laura, in retirement, after his productive, eight-year stint almost destroying civilization as we know it.

With health care.

The Dirty Dozen: Bart Stupak's Life-Loving Dreams Murdered By Life-Hating Democrats

Democratic hell Representative and fearless defender of unborn fetuses in fertile wombs across America, Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Mich.) is suddenly feeling even smaller than the li'l bundles of prenatal joy he tries his very hardest to protect.

After playing a starring role in aborting the Democrats' health care bill over federal funding of the societal cancer known as a woman's right to choose, Bart Stupak of Michigan is feeling a wee bit "left out" now that his fellow DEMONcrats have decided to forge ahead without his enlightened views relating to the ovary-filled, emotional descendants of Eve.

"They're ignoring me," Stupak told National Review Online while sitting alone and depressed in a corner. "That's their strategy now. The House Democratic leaders think they have the votes to pass the Senate's health-care bill without us. At this point, there is no doubt that they've been able to peel off one or two of my twelve. And even if they don't have the votes, it's been made clear to us that they won't insert our language on the abortion issue."

And by "us" Bart Stupak of course is referring to the lovable "Stupak dozen," the twelve anti-abortion Democrats in the House, some of whom are now abandoning the sinking Republican ship of "no," to hop aboard the good ship Democrat and vote "yes" instead. Good-for-nothin' traitors!

Luckily, Stupendous Mr. Stupak is not budging. No sir-ee! Not one single dilated inch.

While Nazi Pelosi and other Democrats like that Bully Barry may have been successful in convincing "one or two" of his dirty dozen to vote for the sinful bill, Stupak insists, "I am a definite 'no' vote. I didn't cave. The others are having both of their arms twisted and we're all getting pounded by our traditional Democratic supporters, like unions."

Ummm, word of advice, Bart. Try to avoid using the word pounding unless your name is Emeril Lagasse or you don't mind sounding like a total gaylord.

But either way, Stupak and Co.'s hijacking of the health bill has hit somewhat of a snag in recent days, with House Democrats unwilling to kill the bill over Stupak's 12-man right-to-life wrecking crew.

"I really believe that the Democratic leadership is simply unwilling to change its stance," he said.

"Their position says that women, especially those without means available, should have their abortions covered," adding that their arguments "are a pretty sad commentary on the state of the Democratic party."

Really makes you miss the good old days when all you needed was an abandoned ally, a rusty hanger, and viola! no more unwanted buns in the oven to worry about.

But Stupak is very worried because if ObamaCare passes and Americans actually get the chance to not negligently die so that insurance companies can buy diamond-encrusted toilets of gold, Stupid Stupak thinks it could signal the end of any meaningful role for pro-life Democrats within their own party.

Hahahahaha, as if they were ever the slightest bit meaningful!

That's almost as ridiculous as those Log Cabin idiots in the GOP who think that aligning themselves with the Party that equates their sexual preferences with those who enjoy the four-legged barnyard kind of love, makes them any less abominable or any more deserving of actual human rights.

"It would be very, very hard for someone who is a right-to-life Democrat to run for office," he said.

"I won’t leave the party. I’m more comfortable here and still believe in a role within it for the right-to-life cause, but this bill will make being a pro-life Democrat much more difficult. They don’t even want to debate this issue. We’ll probably have to wait until the Republicans take back the majority to fix this."

Now, that's the pathetic, broken-down, Stockholm Syndrome Democrat, who just can't wait one more second for their Republican S&M masters to dominate and abuse them, that we've been waiting for!

"Throughout this debate, even when the House leaders have acknowledged us, it’s always been in a backhanded way," he said. "I'm telling the others to hold firm, and we’ll meet next week, but I’m disappointed in my colleagues who said they’d be with us and now they’re not. It’s almost like some right-to-life members don’t want to be bothered. They just want this over."

Ha ha, if you thought 9 months was a long time, try dealing with Stupak for over a year.

"This has really reached an unhealthy stage," Stupak complained. "People are threatening ethic complaints on me. On the left, they’re really stepping it up. Every day, from Rachel Maddow to the Daily Kos, it keeps coming. Does it bother me? Sure. Does it change my position? No."

He might not have a vagina or uterus in the traditional sense, but that doesn't stop him from assuming he understands everything that comes along with having female reproductive parts. Or thinking those who do should have sovereignty over their anatomy.

"...Money is their hang-up. Is this how we now value life in America? If money is the issue — come on, we can find room in the budget. This is life we’re talking about."

Which, by GOP standards, starts precisely at the moment of conception and ends the very second the little rascal slips out of mama's belly, and takes its first, glorious oxygen-rich breath of life.

Then screw 'em, the little bugger's on its own!

Salty, Straight Rep. Eric Massa Doesn't Enjoy Steamy Showers With "Satan's Spawn" Rahm Emanuel

Salty sailor and socialist sex monster Rep. Eric Massa is finally setting the record straight (ha ha, straight) on his whole real cancer/gay cancer resignation scandal that sent shock waves across the world Page Six of the New York Post.

Turns out, New York's own Eric Massa is a totally normal, red-blooded, fiercely heterosexual American man having fun at a wedding, gettin' George W. Bush level wasted from fifteen gin & tonics and—like any straight guy would—saying he wanted to bang a male staffer, and suddenly the uptight Democrats are trying to push the guy out of the House for being all gay and weird and possibly casting the deciding vote that would kill health care reform.

Luckily, the dedicated journalists and free speech activists over at Fox News have wised up to Democratic tricks like smearing their obviously homosexual fellow DEMONcrat and health care salt-in-the-wound Eric Massa as homosexual, after saying some massively gay thing to another male, making said male most uncomfortable.

Ooooh, this one has Pulitzer written all over it. Yay, Fox!

"I was with my wife. And in fact we had a great time. She got the stomach flu," he said.

Massa said he had just gotten up to sing "Auld Lang Syne" (some weird Scottish tune) and had finished dancing with the bride and bridesmaid — in full view of cameras — when he sat back down at a table with male staff members. That’s when he made the "inappropriate" remark.

"One of them looked at me and, as they would do after, I don't know, 15 gin and tonics, and goodness only knows how many bottles of champagne, a staff member made an intonation to me that maybe I should be chasing after the bridesmaid, and his points were clear and his words were far more colorful than that.

"And I grabbed the staff member sitting next to me and said, 'Well, what I really ought to be doing is fracking you,'" he said.

"And then [I] tousled the guy’s hair and left, went to my room, because I knew the party was getting to a point where it wasn’t right for me to be there. Now was that inappropriate of me? Absolutely. Am I guilty? Yes."

OMG, can you believe these terrible Democrats and their McCarthy witch hunt? I mean what totally, 100% straight male doesn't throw back a few brewskies and immediately start grabbing the nearest hot piece of man tail available?

It is like the Dems were looking for something, anything, to get rid of the salty sailor who loves dick (not Cheney) but hates any reform that is less than a full-scale government takeover of health care.

And all it took was one "salty" drunken comment for the Democratic "forces that be" to "orchestrate a character assassination" to push dear Massa out of the House of Representatives and prevent him from shattering the hopes of affordable, quality health care for those schlubs without the luxury of having the prefixes Sen. or Rep. attached to their name.

"Mine is now the deciding vote on the health care bill and this administration and this House leadership have said, quote-unquote, they will stop at nothing to pass this health care bill, and now they've gotten rid of me and it will pass. You connect the dots," Massa said.

"The future of the Democratic Party rests on passing this health care bill. They can get anyone to say anything about me concerning anything at all and in fact they did."

It's not that hard when you're a randy former seaman with a sharp tongue and a history of wholly inappropriate conduct especially when it involves crude slangs for "doin' the nasty."

But with all this Eric Massa news, and so many claims of naked penis sightings between him, Rahm Emanuel, Glenn Beck, a male staffer at a wedding and in the Congressional Showers, it's hard to keep track of which ding-a-ling belongs to which strapping, male owner.

Luckily, there's the innocent victim himself to tell us the real truth about this democratic "witch hunt" to oust him from power.

Of course, like all problems in society, the source of this evil plot against Rep. Massa comes from notorious pitbull and hater of retarded people, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, the most terrible, evil, n'er do well since that good-for-nothin' NObama stole the election and illegally claimed the White House.

"Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil's spawn," Massa said on his radio show. "He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote. He would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive."

Oooooh, sounds sexy! Go on??

Rahm also had the nerve to visit New York's 29th back when he was head of the DCCC to "inspect" this not-at-all-gay Navy monster and tell him to ease up with the whole raging, red-faced anger ball routine, saying, "I don't want you on T.V. tonight to be angry. Just take it down a notch."

The nerve of that terrible battering Rahm, offering advice to help a fellow Democrat actually win the House seat, which he lost, in his first run. Ooops!

But that's not it! Massa also described a heated exchange he had with a naked, now-White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel years later in the House gym, where the shower curtains had 'inexplicably' been removed. Hmmm, whatever you say Massa.

"I'm ... naked as a jay bird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn't going to vote for the president's budget," Massa said. "Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?"

But, also how oddly arousing...

Of course, actual sex with a naked man is a whole other animal. Likely a prize-winning stallion with a very large package ego, known to most as Rahm Emanuel. But you can just call him Rahmbo!