Rush Limbaugh Goes "Ching Chang Chong" On Air To Make His Wallet Go Ka-Ching On Land!

Miraculously shrinking ball of pills, polysaturated fat, and hate, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, took a break from his usual job shrieking at pussy Democratic Congresswomen for getting shot in the head (haha dumb bitch!) by a lone, crazed Glock-toting madman to give the American people the one thing they've been missing all these years: half a minute of cartoonish "CHING CHANG CHONG" sounds by a pathetic slob with a microphone doing his best race-baiting caricature respectful impression of visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao, as might have been featured in, oh, I don't know, an old movie or ham radio show from the first half of the last century.

With an extra special bigoted swipe at gross gypsies as a special thank you for making Rush the richest and fattest racist rightwing radio slob this side of the Pacific.

"We're not gonna gyp Fox," Rush Limbaugh said. "I wanted to gyp it because the -- well, the -- Hu Jintao, he was speaking, and they weren't translating. They normally -- you have some translator every couple of words. But Hu Jintao was just going ["CHING CHANG CHONG"]. Nobody was translating. But that's the closest I can get."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, OMG, stop it, Rush! You're so right! Chinese people sure do talk funny!

It's even funnier after half a bottle of Oxycontin and two buckets of the Colonel's original recipe fried chicken smothered in gravy with a side of biscuits 'n slaw. Extra butter.

Rush Limbaugh 是个傻逼！

That's "CHING CHANG CHONG" for worthless, disgusting, Double Down chowing, fat racist man does something disgusting, fat and racist. And no, we don't mean Chow Yun-Fat.

Can't we just stick a Made in China sign on this worthless sadsack and sell him at Walmart?

Dude's already got the toxic, hazardous-for-your-health part down pat.

Elton Asks Rush "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?" Or At Least Until The Next Gold Digging Trophy Wife Comes Along

Adorable cuddlebug and melodious voice of right-wing nutjobs, teabaggers, and retired Klansmen from sea to shining sea, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III finally achieved his life-long dream to be married more times than numbers in his name. Woohoo!!

This is no easy feat, my friends! But Rushy couldn't have reached this impressive once-in-a-lifetime once-every-couple-of-years milestone without the help of some good friends, a few fine li'l numbers, a handful of scorned shrews (aka ex-wifey's uno, dos, and tres), and of course a couple hundred mil to make the thought of bedding an obese 59-year-old pill addict more than just a terrifying nightmare that jolts you from your sleep, sweaty and trembling, and thanking sweet Jesus that it was all just a terrible dream.

Guess some gals just have all the luck!  

But that's not it! Limbaugh's newest lucky ladyfriend--wooed by a sudden Rush of $exy $tudness while divorcing his third wife--is a lovely 33-year-old party planner from Florida by the name of Kathryn Rogers.

And party plan she sure did! To the tune of a cool ONE MILLION DOLLARS to have a super famous, super homosexual (gay-married!) British piano player, singer, songwriter, and AIDS activist (ewww, gross!) known as Sir Elton John don a skin-tight unitard, platform shoes, star-studded shades, and serenade the equally hideous star-studded crowd with "The Bitch Is Back," "I'm Still Standing," and "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" into the wee hours Saturday night at Florida's fabled Breakers hotel in Palm Beach.

How exciting!

But the sexiest part (aside from the flamer in sunglasses and space suit, and lovable, bloated groom kissing his 4th true love), was of course the stars, celebs, and scumbags invited to the blowout bash, all 400 of Rush's nearest and dearest!

Cool famous types and upstanding citizens of humanity like Karl Rove, Fred Thompson, Sean Hannity, James Carville, Rudy Giuliani, Clarence Thomas and assorted other oily remnants of the catastrophic disaster washin' up Florida's coast.

A wedding bonanza that couldn't have been any more fabulous if God Himself (no not Rush, the other all-powerful one...in the sky) decided to unleash fire and brimstone fury upon the lucky attendees in a spontaneous moment of joyous apocalyptic poetry.

After tying the noose knot and enjoying their personal Elton John concert, the newlyweds hopped Limbaugh's private Gulfstream jet for a honeymoon in Mexico, Africa and a couple other spots.

Please, please say the Bermuda Triangle...please, please we beg you! Ok, how about a few war zones, at the very least!?!
Not surprisingly, the new love-struck bride also had some very interesting, wise words to say about the couple's 26-year age gap: "I'm sometimes not able to relate to the average person my age." 

Or the average human her species, for that matter.

Either way, I think I can speak for all of America, no, make that the world, when I say a deep, heart-felt congratulations to Rush on his special 4th wedding day—very likely the 4th happiest day of his wonderfully charmed oxycodone-fueled life.

We're sure this time, he really means it. After all, love is the second best Rx there is!

So Oxycongratulations Rush! We wish you many months of bliss.

In other words, same time next year?

Constitutional-Lovin' Republicans (+Joe Lieberman) Discuss The Various Ways To Shred It...For Freedom!

Wingnuts from sea to shining sea, across this great land, are coming out in droves over the arrest of would-be Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad, each with their own unique perspective on how best to (mis)treat this awful terror suspect, and deny him his constitutional rights as a naturalized American citizen. Hooray!

But with so many congressional crazies saying so many asinine things, it's hard to decide which fair wingnut on the wall is indeed the nuttiest of them all!

Naturally, leading the chorus of shrieking weasels on the right is Arizona's own Mexican-hatin' maverick John McCain, who simply doesn't understand why we don't pick and choose which Americans deserve rights under the law.

Like which (if any!) detained suspects, especially Pakistani-born American ones, deserve to be reminded of their constitutionally-guaranteed right to remain silent.

"I think obviously that [mirandizing Shahzad] would be a serious mistake until we've—at least until we find out as much information as we have, and there are ways—legal ways—of delaying that."— Sen. John McCain (R-AZ).

Like a quick cat nap to help refresh your Alzheimer's-ravaged mind?

Of course, you might assume that someone who spent half a decade rotting away in a Vietnamese cage with no rights whatsoever in the defense of this nation and its system of justice, would have the utmost respect for the rule of law. You might also assume that said person would still have some semblance of integrity left in tact. You would, of course, be wrong on both fronts, however.

Luckily, that other shrill voice of hysteria reason, Rep. Peter King never really had any credibility to begin with, unless you consider his one-man boycott over the media's coverage of that no-good lowlife Michael Jackson's death, a sicko pervert he wouldn't even let in the same room as his child or grandchild. He doesn't care if the King of Pop moonwalked his way into it!

Well, luckily for us, Long Island's own King of Nothing, Peter King, has his own ideas about what to do with the newest scumsucker on the block, a common Muslim named Faisal Shahzad.

"I hope that [Attorney General Eric] Holder did discuss this with the intelligence community. If they believe they got enough from him, how much more should they get?"

"Did they Mirandize him? I know he's an American citizen but still." — Rep. Peter King (R-NY).

BUT STILL!! Sure he's an "American" and all, BUT STILL, does this really mean he deserves to be treated as one? Does anyone, really?

Eh, not really, according to Connecticut's favorite sniveling pariah, Joe Lieberman, whose own one-man jihad on fun and the dumb rule of law includes maybe changing the Constitution, sometimes, for some people, like those "affiliated with foreign terrorist organizations."

"I think it's time for us to look at whether we want to amend that law to apply it to American citizens who choose to become affiliated with foreign terrorist organizations, whether they should not also be deprived automatically of their citizenship, and therefore be deprived of rights that come with that citizenship when they are apprehended and charged with a terrorist act," Sen. Joe Lieberman said.

Ooooh, does this include his other terrorist affiliations, like big business and the Republican Party??

Although, we must admit, there is something incredibly tempting about the thought of Joe Lieberman no longer having the constitutional right to make the rest of us want to immediately denounce our citizenship, and hastily flee somewhere where they don't elect backstabbing traitors, moonlighting as constitutional shredders, as their esteemed representatives.

But surely somewhere in the Grand Old Party of terror-fightin' Constitutional scholars and loyal patriots of freedom and teabags, there is at least a single voice of reason, right?

"He is a citizen of the United States, so I say we uphold the laws and the Constitution on citizens. If you are a citizen, you obey the law and follow the Constitution. [Shahzad] has all the rights under the Constitution."

"We don't shred the Constitution when it is popular. We do the right thing."

And yes, apparently, there are times when that does include listening to the craziest mother of 'em all, Fox News's own blue-eyed angel of truth and tears, Glenn Lee Beck.

The now, sole voice of reason(?) left in the Republican Party.

So, God bless America? We're certainly gonna need it!

Though, I guess if things get really bad, we can just take Rush Limbaugh's advice and move to a place where silly, trivial things like the Constitution don't matter much anyway. Ya know, like Somalia or Arizona or whatever.

Look on the bright side, at least unregulated access to all of Rush's favorite narcotics will be a whole lot easier to snag!

Rush Confuses Being The Size Of A Volcano With Being An Actual Expert On Said Volcanoes

Vile, hate-spewing king of blubber and blabber, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, took to his favorite airwaves to seek some desperately needed attention, and also to remind the good (white) people of America that he is in fact, still living in this great land despite vowing to flee once Obama's evil plan to help those poor schlubs without effeminate, multimillion dollar palaces have access to affordable, quality health care, passed into law.

So thank you Rush, for at the very least, teaching us all the valuable lesson that life is full of disappointment, but if one wishes to reduce these disheartening blows, and avoid the more bitter aspects of human existence, they would be well advised not to believe a single word that comes rushing out of his gluttonous, overworked mouth.

Of course, considering the poetic brilliance that typically flows from his massive lips whenever some terrible event occurs (like America electing its first black president or passing health insurance that doesn't just ensure the health of the pharmaceutical companies), not to mention his sizable girth, ignoring the messenger isn't always easy.

Like just yesterday, when El Rushbo grabbed his bestest friend, Mike R. Phone, hit the on switch and began rambling on about how the volcanic eruption in Iceland was "God speaking" in response to the passage of health care in America, because apparently God can't tell the difference between frozen European tundra and frozen American tundra.

(Hint: If you see Sarah Palin shootin' at endangered wolves from the sky, it's our Arctic playground; the one where Bjork is wearing something that looks like whatever Sarah just shot and field-dressed, while skipping around yodeling about how it's "oh so quiet," it's theirs).

Anyway, so Rush is pretty sure that the passage of health care here is the reason why a glacial volcano went kablooey over there, because why wouldn't God reveal his Divine plans to an overweight, college-dropout with a drug problem?

RUSH: You know, a couple of days after the health care bill had been signed into law Obama ran around all over the country saying, "Hey, you know, I'm looking around. The earth hadn't opened up. There's no Armageddon out there. The birds are still chirping." I think the earth has opened up. God may have replied. This volcano in Iceland has grounded more airplanes -- airspace has more affected -- than even after 9/11 because of this plume, because of this ash cloud over Northern and Western Europe. At the Paris airport they're telling people to head to the train station to catch trains out of France, and when people get to the train station they're telling people, "There aren't any seats until at least April 22nd," basically a week from now. It's got everybody in a shutdown. Earth has opened up. I don't know whether it's a rebirth or Armageddon. Hopefully it's a rebirth, God speaking.

Hopefully, the kind that feasts on lying, ill-informed, obese hate mongers (with delusions of divinity), swallowing them up in its apocalyptic fury and wrathful vengeance en route to a brave new world, God speaking, of course.

So there you have it folks.

God decided to punish Americans for passing health care reform (to help poor people not die) by causing an Icelandic volcano to erupt and wreak havoc on European air travel.

Either God's aim is as pathetic as one of Sarah Palin's famous speeches-from-the-hand, or apparently, the All-Knowing, All-Powerful Creator of Heaven and Earth got into Rush's pill stash again.

Perhaps This Is The Incentive The Dems Needed To Pass Health Care?

Robust, picturesque vision of health and tolerance, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, may have dropped out of college after two semesters and one summer, but this high school graduate doesn't need fancy degrees to know that "human beings will die earlier than normal" under President Obama's "freedom killing, life threatening" health care reform plan, which, much like the fat man himself, should be immediately "aborted."

Which is why Limbaugh, the Albert Einstein of wingnut radio, is taking his own dire warnings to heart (his large, overworked heart), telling a caller that if Obama's evil health care plan passes, and all his worst fears are realized (besides a black man in the White House), he will leave the country. Can we get that in writing??

CALLER: If the health care bill passes, where would you go for health care yourself?

LIMBAUGH: I’ll just tell you this, if this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented — I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica.

But before you get too excited at the prospect of America's worst human fleeing the country over its terrible slide towards socialized medicine to go terrorize the good people of Costa Rica and steal their highly-rated, GOVERNMENT funded, Socialist health care instead, remember Rush seldom says anything that is true, thus his chances of actually heading south (to live among the brown people he loves so much), are about as slim as he is fat.

Unless he was going on one of his famed drug runs to the Dominican Republic, that is.

CALLER: Yeah, you saw on the news where uh, Fidel says if you come to his country you need medical insurance now...

LIMBAUGH: Well I wouldn't go there anyway but I mean the idea that errr, umm, errr, you're gonna have to have health care, health insurance if you visit Cuber...

Ummmm, the real question is where the hell is Cuber? And do they also offer unlimited supplies of Viagra and various codones (Oxy, Hydro, etc...) on the cheap, no prescription needed?

If so, say hasta la vista to El Rushbo! Just think of all the money he'll save from not having to fly back and forth, smuggling narcotics anymore.

Probably enough for a one-way ticket somewhere far away, without the oppressive horrors of socialized medicine, where they know how to properly treat their own, a place nice and exotic like Bikini Atoll or Turkmenistan.

Maybe then, those idiots in Washington will understand that Americans don't want health care reform jammed down their throats, unless it is beer-battered and deep-fried first, and comes with a side of dipping sauce.

Peace Out, Bro!

Palin-Palooza! Fresh Teabagging Fun For All Ages (Not Colors)

Woooohooo!

Pack your bags (tea and otherwise), throw on your colonial best, polish your semi-automatics to a glistening shine, grab the neighbors, and head down to Nashville, Tennessee, folks. It's Tea Time, baby!

And this time, the revolution will be televised. But, hopefully not by the evil, terrible, Obama-loving elitist MSM.

"The mainstream media is the enemy," declared Bob Bunting, a retiree from Hilton Head Island, S.C., attending the convention with his wife, Nancy. "You are for socialism and Barack Obama."

Ah yes, all across the country, Bob Bunting and 1,100 of America's truest patriots, will gather at the Gaylord resort (ironic??) in the famed Music City for a li'l limited-government, low-tax, liberal loathin', gun-totin' fun. Teabag style!

There, the faithful fringe among us will have the distinct privilege of hearing her highness, Sarah Palin, deliver the much-anticipated keynote address, (and maybe, just maybe the opening salvo for her 2012 presidential bid), all for the bargain basement rate of $100,000. Just think about how many teabags that would get you!

"She is the one," said Loren Nelson of Seattle. "And she's gonna do it."

Or is she? The former Alaskan governor and current Empress of Facebook has remained mum on the subject, refusing to say for sure whether she'll be making a White House bid of her own (without Gramps screwing everything up) come 2012. She's so rogue like that.

Everyone knows with talent like hers, it would be "absurd" to not consider a run for president, and a chance to unseat that chocolate-hued menace with his big words and weird Muslim-y name.

"I would (run) if I believe that that is the right thing to do for our country and for the Palin family," she said.

In other words, as long as none of her other unwed teenage daughters have a beautiful, surprise miracle of God for Grandmama! So wrap it up Willow and Piper. One Bristol per family is more than enough for this Alaskan Mama Bear, thank you very much.

"The soul of the Tea Party is the people who belong to it," Palin said. "They have the courage to stand up and speak out...They believe in the same principles that guided my work in public service."

Do they ever! Principles like quitting during your first term as governor and never allowing this precious country to be overtaken by a socialist black man (from Kenya!) who hates white people and doesn't even believe in starting wars for no reason!

A man so dangerous, he wants to provide health care to all Americans, not just rich, white ones who also happen to be pharmaceutical lobbyists. Not even Hitler would've done something this horrifying.

And you can bet your bottom dollar, Hitler never had a chief of staff who ever used the words "fucking retarded." Of course, that's probably because they were already rounded up and sent to the gas chambers, but hey the devil's in the details, right?

Of course, Obama could always change the political dynamic and boost his reelection odds if he took Sarah's sage advice and "played the war card," by declaring war on Iran or bolstering Israel. That Sarah, she's not afraid of nothin'! Russians, Iranians, Iraqis (like there's a difference), bring 'em on! Anything to boost those election chances and save some Israelis in the process (not the Jew ones, silly, just the true Christians).

Distrust of the mainstream media (or MSM as its known to the tea crowd), is one of the main tenets uniting the philosophically diverse, but overwhelmingly white teabagging crowd, who almost universally believe the arugula eating national media have purposefully sullied their good name, portraying them as lunatics, whackjobs, racists, idiots, rednecks, and ignorant white trash--that is when not ignoring them completely.

But Chuck Smith, a 66-year-old retiree from Knoxville who attended the conference, acknowledged that the occasionally extremist rhetoric, combined with the mostly white composition of many tea party crowds make it "easy to paint us as racist or extremist, and I can’t fault the mainstream media for that, but that misses the point."

Smith said reporters "don't understand what’s happening. We're not exclusionary. We're everyday, hard-working Americans fighting back against big government.”

Who just happen to show their love of this country by waving confederate flags, Obama as Hitler signs, and demanding that ObamaCare be buried along with Teddy Kennedy's ol' shriveled bones.

In her 40-minute speech followed by a 15-minute Q&A session pre-selected by organizers (can't afford any Katie Couric like responses, now can we?), tea party hero and Alaskan snow goddess Sarah Palin hit all the right notes, sure to please even the most discriminating teabagger.

Bashing the Obama administration for "treating terrorists like criminals" (instead of rabid dogs?) and for not taking a tougher stance on the war on terror, Sarah had some choice words for the current, smarty-pants president.

"To win that war, we need a commander-in-chief, not a professor," Palin said, receiving one of her many standing ovations. Smart is sooooo out this year.

Accusing the Democrats of going on a wild, out-of-control spending spree, Sarah said, "they're sticking our kids with the bill and that's amoral–that's generational theft."

She even threw in some nice, old fashioned mocking for good measure--a sure-fire way to rev up the crowd.

"How's that hopey, changey stuff working out for you?" she asked, to wild teabagging applause, before driving this baby home with some solid Jesus talk and magic words like "drill, baby drill," and all the other stuff conservatives go nuts for.

Political leaders should "start seeking some divine intervention again in this country, so that we can be safe and secure and prosperous again. To have people involved in government who aren’t afraid to go that route, and also afraid of the political correctness that, you know, they have to be afraid about what the media would say about them if they were to proclaim their reliance on our creator."

What, that they're crazy like a fox? An Alaskan, snow fox?

But, heavens forbid they utter those two most terrible words in the English language: "fucking retard."

Asked by Fox News Host (and supposed ally) Chris Wallace why she demanded that White House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel resign for calling liberal activists "f**king retards," yet declined to ask right-wing talk radio host Rush Limbaugh to apologize for using the same terrible, derisive term on his radio show.

"I didn't hear Rush Limbaugh calling a group of people who he did not agree with 'f*cking retards' and we did know that Rahm Emanuel, it's been reported, did say that. There's a big difference there," said Palin, the de-facto leader of special needs children everywhere.

So true, Sarah! Rush must've been talking about a group he loves dearly and holds close to his (large, overworked) heart when he said,"Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards...I mean these people, these liberal activists, are kooks."

"Should Rush Limbaugh apologize?" Wallace asked.

Ha ha don't be silly, Chris!

"They are kooks so I agree with Rush Limbaugh."

Duh! It's only okay to use the word retarded when referring to dirty, tree-hugging hippies, pussy, kumbaya-chanting pacifists, flamboyant, God-forsaken gay and lesbian rights activists and assorted other special needs persons of the left.

Isn't she just charming? Sure must feel good to be on the right side of God, History, Everything.

Bless her sweet, rogue, occasionally special needs heart.

She's so maverick, even she doesn't know what "f**king retarded" thing she'll say next.

When a Certain Rush Hits The Floor, Ladies Gush and Shriek For More!

Everyone knows the ladies looooooove hunky host of hate radio Rush Hudson Limbaugh III. They simply go Gaga for him! And not just that weird, naked crackhead Lady with the boa and feathers wrapped around her p-p-p-p-poker face. All of 'em!

Which is why it comes as no surprise that the dapper king of loyal white supremacists, racists, dungeon and dragon masters, and 40-year-old virgins who tune in regularly to hear his shining pearls of wisdom about how black people are ruining America, (be it quarterback or commander-in-chief), is going to be one of seven distinguished judges at this year's Miss America pageant. Hooray!

And despite his poor, overworked heart coming thisclose to taking its last pill-addled, fat-clogged breath (while exerting himself on a beach in Hawaii), Rush appears to be as robust and healthy as a half-deaf, obese middle-aged white man with an insatiable appetite for cigars and cornstarch can be.

Just look at him get down and bust a move to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" in the dance-off competition for "Judge of the Night" against fellow judge (and most likely, reverse racist) Vivica A. Fox, who couldn't keep up with Rush's fly style or hot, royally flushed face.

In fact, Limbaugh's moves were so poppin' fresh, he was a lock for the "Judge of the Night" crown, earning him a one-of-a-kind "Miss New Jersey" sash from the lovely host, Miss New Jersey 1995 Dena Blizzard. Wooohooo! He loves blizzards (not the weather sort, silly!).

His smooth moves even made it to the Internets, in the form of a Miss America Live tweet: "Rush Limbaugh has exceptionally impressive fist pumping skills."

Skills he most likely didn't acquire in his two whole semesters and one summer of college, before dropping out to pursue his love of hearing himself speak. No, no, this kind of talent takes years to hone.

And he'll need every bit of it when the Las Vegas pageant airs live on Saturday night, and El Rushbo is charged with the very important task of deciding which of the 53 contestants is most deserving of the esteemed Miss America 2010 title, as the hottest, big breasted (and hearted) babe in America.

"We are thrilled to have Rush join us for our pageant this year," Miss America Organization (MAO) President and CEO, Art McMaster, said. "He will bring a thrilling new dimension to the competition and we know that the 2010 Miss America Pageant will be filled with new twists and exciting opportunities with him as one of our national judges."

Yes, it shall be thrilling indeed to have one of the nation's foremost women's rights activists, who believes "feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society" and coined the term feminazi in reference to the dozens of so-called feminists, "to whom the most important thing in life is ensuring that as many abortions as possible occur."

This guy is a real Don Juan, except he hates those Spaniards almost as much the damn Mexicans!

But at least this sexy woman lover knows how to judge a hot piece of tail or two. Just like he knows there's nothing a li'l lady wants more than to be hired for her sweet behind, ample breasts, and wily female charms, as the ol' eye candy for the office job she's been dreaming of, in case Prince Charming never shows up on his white horse to whisk her away from a miserable, pathetic life of spinsterhood and suffering.

Fortunately, for these contestants, they've got the ultimate ladies' man calling the shots.

"She's actually a very smart cat. She gets loved. She gets adoration. She gets petted. She gets fed. And she doesn’t have to do anything for it, which is why I say this cat's taught me more about women, than anything my whole life."

So there it is folks, the secret behind Rush's swingin' success! Simply substitute felines for females and voila! instant bangin' babe-magnet abilities at your fingertips.

Rush Limbaugh, misogynist? More like Rush Limbaugh, misogynirresistible! Rarrrrrrrrrr!

No Rushin' Love

The (Heart) Beat Goes On: Rush Limbaugh! The Musical Hits the Stage Jan. 31

Remember last month when Rush Limbaugh had the whole nation in a tizzy, praying and holding candlelight vigils in the hopes that Jesus would swoop down from the heavens and help nurse their dear leader back from obesity and drug related heart problems so he can continue spewing racist, hate-filled rants as the undisputed king of right wing radio?

Well, you'll no doubt be happy to know that Rush's evil and saturated-fat clogged heart lived to beat another day and brighten our lives with the joy and optimism that comes with listening 24/7 to a disgruntled misanthrope who hates his life and never got laid in high school.

But surely not as happy as the good folks at Second City, who know a "healthy" Rush can only mean one thing: the show must go on!

Fresh off their smash hit about Illinois' deranged lego-haired ex-crime boss governor, Rod Blagojevich Superstar!, Chicago's Second City will be delighting audiences with their original production of Rush Limbaugh! The Musical opening Jan. 31.

But that all depended on the exhausted, cholesterol laden heart of El Rushbo. If something had happened to Limbaugh, "I don't think we could've done it," Second City President Kelly Leonard said. The show "requires a very healthy Rush. I want him eating well."

Don't worry, Kelly, that's one request, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to oblige.

Featuring appearances by good friends, though not of the narcotic variety, like fellow conservative cranks Ann Coulter, Karl Rove, and Donald Rumsfeld, Rush Limbaugh! The Musical is a thrilling ride from Rush's humble beginnings as a pimple-faced college dropout named Rusty Sharpe all the way to his meteoric rise as the lovably obese God of wingnuts, whackjobs, and white supremacists we know and love today.

Coupled with a musical score called "Dispirit of the Radio," featuring a compilation of hit Broadway shows like Spring Awakening, Wicked, and Rent, the production of the talk show host's formative years (ha ha, literally) is a "grossly exaggerated tale."

Much like its grossly overweight, intellectually exaggerated star!

Rush Limbaugh Has Heart Attack, But Real Question is What the Hell's He Doing in Hawaii?

Can't Say We Didn't See This One Coming

In a shock to no one, fat sack of pill-popping, hate spewing sh*t, Rush Limbaugh was rushed (ha ha rushed) to a hospital after suffering chest pains in what will likely NOT be the last, dying gasps of an evil and overworked heart.

"Rush was admitted to and is resting comfortably in a Honolulu hospital today after suffering chest pains," Limbaugh's spokesman said in a statement. "Rush appreciates your prayers and well wishes and will keep you updated via rushlimbaugh.com and on his radio program."

So until further notice, yes, 58-year-old failed NFL owner and right wing godfather of radio waves for racists, Rush Limbaugh is in "serious condition" at a Hawaii hospital, where he is resting comfortably and laughing at all the pathetic povs who can't afford to pay their way out of obesity and drug related heart problems.

Ha ha losers.

Either way, all death jokes will be saved until Rush goes and earns them the old-fashioned way.

Happy New Year!

Obama Is A 'Radical Leader,' 'Child' Just Like Rush Is 'Thin,' 'Sane'

Morbidly-obese-turned-gastric-bypass poster boy Rush Limbaugh took a break from shoveling beef patties into his mouth to show off the latest miracle of modern science, his svelte new body! And of course to say a bunch of crazy sh*t about his favorite man crush Barack Obama.

Yes, the man considered too big a loser for even the lowly Rams, Rush Hudson Limbaugh, appeared on Fox News Sunday to offer his enlightened (if only in actual weight) view of President Obama's deviant quest to destroy America.

It is not surprising a high-school educated genius like Rush thinks Obama is "immature," "narcissistic" and "in over his head," he simply doesn't understand what anyone could possibly see in an egomaniac man-child like Barry.

"I think he's got an out-of-this-world ego," Limbaugh said. "He’s a child. I think he's got a five minute career."

He also thinks he's fooling anyone into believing he actually lost weight with the old diet-exercise combo, which is why he doesn't do it very often. Think that is. (He's just not that good at it).

But that didn't stop El Rushbo from accusing terrible Barry of "not caring" about the war in Afghanistan, "actively seeking the defeat of the U.S. military," and using a ceremony to honor fallen soldiers as a "photo-op" to distract dumb schmucks like you and me from knowing the truth about how he's too pussy to send 40,000 U.S. soldiers to die in some bumblef**k poppy fields in the middle of Afghanistan.

"It was a photo-op precisely because he’s having big time trouble on this Afghanistan dithering situation," he said, doing his best to prove that Dick Cheney isn't the only right-wing kook with balls big enough to actually use the word dithering and still think they're relevant to anyone besides those who hear Spam and still think of canned meat.

"We've never seen this kind of radical leader at such a high level of power in this county." We, of course referring to the percentage of the U.S. population who've been squatting in Dick Cheney's vacant underground lair for the last 8 years.

Limbaugh also attacked that no-good Obama for ruining the robust economy the last Republican administration worked so diligently to create.

"I believe that the economy is under siege. They’re destroying it, and I have to think that it may be on purpose," Rush said, adding that "anybody with any economic literacy would not do one thing that this administration's done."

And who would know more about economics or literacy than a college dropout who flunked ballroom dancing?

Lucky for us, Rush's keen insight also extends to health care reform.

"This is not about insuring the uninsured. This is not about health care. This is about stealing one-sixth of the U.S. private sector." That, Limbaugh said, is "the easiest, fastest way for them to be able to regulate every aspect of human behavior."

And if it were up to him, he'd start with that "pompous windbag" and "walking comedy of errors" Vice President Joe Biden.

Unlike that humble Barracuda babe with brains and a hot rack. "I do have profound respect for Sarah Palin."

Ha ha, hear that all you butt-ugly spinsters and lesbians who concocted "feminism as a way to allow fellow unattractive women easier access to mainstream society?"

The gig's up.

Rams Aversion To Rush(ing) Not Limited To The Football Field

The NFL kindly told Rush Limbaugh to f**k off after the corpulent king of hate talk-radio expressed interest in buying the only pro football team as impotent as himself, the 0-5 St. Louis Rams, complete with an NFL-worst 14-game losing streak to boot.

In an e-mail to the union's executive committee on Saturday, NFL Players executive director DeMaurice Smith encouraged players to speak out against a bid by Rush Limbaugh as part of a larger group aiming to purchase the St. Louis Rams.

"I've spoken to the Commissioner [Roger Goodell] and I understand that this ownership consideration is in the early stages," Smith said. "But sport in America is at its best when it unifies, gives all of us reason to cheer, and when it transcends. Our sport does exactly that when it overcomes division and rejects discrimination and hatred."

Limbaugh, a Missouri native, is an avid sports fan and an even more avid a**hole racist, whose enlightened world-view gave us such fine observations as "the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons." Aw, snap!

And how Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb's 2003 on-field success was due not to his skills or dedication, but because the media was "very desirous that a black quarterback do well" in something other than adding to the prison population.

At least seven NFL players have publicly spoken out against Limbaugh's interest in joining former Knicks president and current owner of the NHL's St. Louis Blues, Madison Square Garden CEO Dave Checketts, in a group bidding to purchase the lowly Rams and turn the perennial basement dwellers into an all-white powerhouse.

Giants defensive end Mathias Kiwanuka and Jets linebacker Bart Scott made it clear that they would never play for any team owned by that fat, milky-hued pile of hate (even if they think his name's kinda cool), since the Rams are already well-stocked in the embarrassment department.

"All I know is from the last comment I heard, he said in President Obama's America, white kids are getting beat up on the bus while black kids are chanting 'right on,'" Kiwanuka told The Daily News. "I mean, I don't want anything to do with a team that he has any part of. He can do whatever he wants, it is a free country. But if it goes through, I can tell you where I am not going to play."

"They are flat-out racist," Kiwanuka continued. "I am not going to draw a conclusion from a person off of one comment, but when it is time after time after time and there's a consistent pattern of disrespect and just a complete misunderstanding of an entire culture that I am a part of, I can't respect him as a man."

Bart Scott says players remember what Limbaugh said, adding that the NFL would be wise not to allow the nationally-syndicated poster boy for ignorant, hefty, middle-aged white supremacists into a (predominantly black) league.

"I can only imagine how his players would feel. I know I wouldn't want to play for him. He's a jerk. He's an ---. What he said (about McNabb) was inappropriate and insensitive, totally off-base. He could offer me whatever he wanted, I wouldn't play for him...I wouldn't play for Rush Limbaugh. My principles are greater and I can't be bought."

Turns out, neither can the Rams (or at least not by a KKK grand wizard like El Rushbo).

Besides, Rush said he wasn't really bothered by the harsh player reaction because the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes it might not be such a good idea after all.

Rams is way too gay a name.

Hey Kids, It's Comedy Hour With Barney And Rush!

Aww, snap! Someone just got served! Big bad Barney Frank doesn't like being interrupted. And he certainly doesn't like having his town hall discussion disrupted so that some seemingly normal looking woman who's actually bat crazy can ask him pressing, substantive health care reform questions like, "Why are you supporting this Nazi policy?" while holding up a tasteful Obama equals Hitler sign.

Which is precisely why Barry very calmly answers this young gal's query by calling her approach, "vile, contemptible nonsense" and responding with his own question, "On what planet do you spend most of your time?"

He then decides not to humor this idiot lady with a legitimate answer because "Trying to have a conversation with you would be like arguing with a dining room table." And being the reasonable person that he is, Barney really doesn't see any point in trying to talk sense into an inanimate object with racist tendencies. Fair enough.

But not everyone thinks this dining room table got a fair shake from old Barney.

Sure, Rush Limbaugh thinks "it's fabulous and fantastic, and hilarious that a woman shows up at a Barney Frank town hall meeting with an Obama-as-Hitler poster and this Nazi stuff, in his district. I mean, this is unreal."

"But the killer for me was, here's Barney Frank saying, 'What planet do you live on?' to this woman. Isn't it an established fact that Barney Frank himself spends of his time living around Uranus?" HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get it?? No, not because he's Jewish but because he's a GAY (gasp!). LOL! Hilarious.

And to think it only took Rushy three scrapped drafts, 200 revisions, a trough of dark roast coffee, twenty cans of Red Bull, five large pizzas, two double bacon cheeseburgers, 10 cigars, and three bottles of his usual hydrocodone-oxycodone cocktail to come up with it!

Looks like it's SHOWTIME at the Apollo for someone...

New Poll Finds 58 Percent Of Republicans Are Actually Insane Birthers

It is no secret that the Republican Party is in the midst of a severe identity crisis. They just can't decide who they are or what they want to be! Are they a proud group of fiscal conservatives with a healthy aversion to big, bad government? Or are they the party of kooks and wingnuts who hate the coloreds so much they'll do anything to prove Barack Hussein Obama isn't a real citizen of White, Christian America, even if it means listening to a blue-eye shadow loving Jewish dentist-lawyer-real estate agent...from Russia (gasp!)?

Turns out they're the latter. Surprise!

A whopping 58 percent of self-identified Republicans (yes, they still make those) either think President B. Hussein Obama wasn't born in the United States (28 percent) or aren't quite sure (30 percent) where the hell this secret Muslim elitist came from (Hint: Kenya). You can never trust those certificates of live birth nowadays!

True, 42 percent of loyal GOPers do concede Obama is a natural born citizen of the U.S. of A, but no one cares what these pseudo-Republicans think anyway since they obviously don't care about America being hijacked by a Muslim socialist.

Perhaps the biggest surprise from this fun little poll of craziness is the farther South you go and older you get, the more you start believing the crazy, (not) lightly-veiled racist rantings of pill-popping talk radio god Rush Limbaugh and insane Fox News host Glenn "Madman" Beck.

Luckily, 77 percent of Americans in general think the president is actually a U.S. citizen and not a migrant Kenyan. Which means not everyone in the country is a Republican or a 75-year old former Klansmen with two-teeth, a loaded shotgun, hair-trigger temper, and a zero-tolerance policy for any Negro, Jew or Homo who wanders onto his front lawn.

Night Of The Living Dead

We've Come For Your Brains

Ahhhhh, attack of the killer zombies! Run for your lives!

Now that they've acquired a taste for human flesh, Rush, Newt, Dick and the rest of the GOP’s living dead can't stop feasting on everyone's brains.

You see, the Republican Party has become many bad things—intolerant, hateful, incoherent, delusional, and worst of all, undead. The once-vibrant GOP of yesteryear has morphed into a wrinkled, decrepit corpse of its former self, having scared off just about everyone who isn't white, male, packing heat, or old enough to have witnessed General Lee's surrender at Appomattox.

But what is a political party that's predominantly pasty-skinned, middle-aged, male, Southern, God-fearing, conservative, unpopular, impotent, ass-backwards, and regarded negatively by more than half the population to do?

Clearly, the answer is to dine on the tasty flesh of one another, especially uppity moderates like Colin Powell who believe the party should adapt to the changing times. Hahaha, yeah, like half-dead creatures of the underworld adapt!

Instead these ghosts of Republicans past continue to haunt their beloved party--and won't stop until the GOP takes its rightful place in a glass-enshrined case at the museum besides the Whigs, Free Soilers, and Prohibitionists.

Even strong and mighty CIA director Leon Panetta is spooked by these half-dead relics creeping around, praying for demonchild Barack Obama to fail almost as much as their skin to stop falling off. Especially Dick.

“I think he smells some blood in the water on the national-security issue. It’s almost, a little bit, gallows politics. When you read behind it, it’s almost as if he’s wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point. I think that’s dangerous politics.”

But feasting on the flesh of the innocent? That's child's play.

Mama Bear Sarah Palin Protects Her Young

Thank You, Thank You

Well, well, well, what have we got here? It's none other than cuddly Republican superstars Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin and George W. Bush! So what brings this unlikely trio of intellectuals together, you ask?

This past week has seen them each utter pearls of wisdom so inspiring, they deserve an awards ceremony all their own. Hmm, why don't we call it the "Say Whaaaat?" awards and check out our esteemed trophy-winners.

And the gold goes to...None other than America's fave snow bunny, Sarah Palin, for exposing "pathetic" late night comedian David Letterman as the despicable pedophile and woman-hating monster that he is.

Mr. Funnyman decided to slap Miss Palin and the rest of the women in this country in the face by joking about, "An awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, when during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez."

Omg, the nerve! It's one thing to make fun of her oldest daughter, 18-year-old abstinence crusader and unwed mother of one, Bristol Palin. But to go after their young and supple 14-year-old daughter Willow? For shame! Can Sarah ever find it in her big Alaskan heart to forgive the sicko?

"I will always forgive whomever is asking for forgiveness. It goes beyond, though, David Letterman's crude, sexist, perverted joke about a 14-year-old girl being, quote-unquote, "knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." I think he's like 30-some years old. I think that that's, you know, pretty perverted."

Wink, wink.

Not one to like second-place honors, sadly George W. Bush came up just short of the gold, claiming the silver-medal for his brilliant words about his papa George H.W. Bush skydiving on his 85th birthday.

"Just because you're old, that doesn't mean you can't do fun stuff. And you don't want to sit around drooling in the corner. And so it's a wonderful release...And you know, because I was president it sends a message all around. Go out and get something doing. Just 'cause...old guys can still have fun and still do stuff."

Alright, now please "get something doing" like jump out of a plane. Sans the parachute. Hehe, if you're manly enough. Y'all catch my drift?

Last but not least we have Rush Limbaugh, whose savvy words about Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor's broken ankle earned him bronze-medal honors as the biggest loser of all the winners. Yeah!

"I hope [Sotomayor] can find a wise Latina doctor to set that ankle, as opposed to an average white doctor."

Don't be silly Rush. I'm sure you can recommend a good one, seeing as you have so much experience doctor-shopping and all.

The GOP's Suicide Mission Does Not Include Colin Powell

In case you didn't get the memo, former Secretary of State Colin Powell is still a proud member of the Grand Old Party. But there are some people who just don't think Mr. Powell is Republican enough.

Never mind his 20-year record voting solidly with Republican candidates or serving as the first African-American chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and secretary of State under genuinely elephant president George W. Bush. Forget his lifelong commitment to party ideals, his position on the Republican Party's membership committee, or his dedicated military service as a four-star general in the United States Army. Colin Powell is nothing more than a Barry-loving arugula-eating socialist masquerading as a true patriot of the Republican Party!

True patriots like Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney who want highly-decorated frauds like Colin Powell out of their precious party. Frauds who call themselves Republican but then turn around and vote for a liberal demonchild like Barack Hussein Obama. Frauds who think the Republican Party should include more than bloated heart attack victims who hunt ducks, quails, and their best friends. Or pill-popping, prog rock-named radio hosts whose BMI is the only thing more out of control than their insane, hate-filled rants about how feminism is just some made up bullsh*t to make ugly chicks feel better about themselves.

The last thing the Republican Party wants or needs is a bunch of non-white moderates who think with their brains and live in reality to control the direction of their dear party. They'd prefer to keep it real and purge everyone but gun-crazy secessionists, gay-bashing closet cases, and Alaskan ice fairies whose idea of diplomacy consists of lipstick jokes, sexy winks, and refusin' to end sentences with the letter g.

Even a GOP savior like former House Speaker Newt Gingrich knows the Republican party can't exclude everyone and still expect to survive. "To be a national party, you have to have a big enough tent that you inevitably have fights inside the tent."

Or just a tent big enough for Dick and Rush's massive bodies and the handful of true Republicans still left to squeeze inside and celebrate their heroic two-man rescue of the Grand Old Party.

Then they'll break out the bubbly, but first they just need a quick sec to figure out where the hell everyone went.

Obama Enlists Racist, Estrogen-Filled Mexican To Help Ruin America's Fave Boy's Club, The Supreme Court

The Three Musketeers

Here she is, ladies and gentleman: the newest activist justice on the Supreme Court, federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor! She is not only the third estrogen-filled woman, she is also the first Mexican ever to be nominated to the nation's highest court. She also used to be a poor, has lots of empathy, and was not born prior to the civil war: three qualities Comrade Barry thinks are very important for a new Justice.

Joe Biden is thrilled too because he has tons of respect for strong Latina women, not to mention plenty of killer jokes about Hispanics the nation is gonna eat up. Some real classics! But, don't worry, he already promised Barry he wouldn't speak until after her Senate confirmation hearings when Democrats vote for her and Republicans vote against her but can't do anything to stop her because no one listens to what minorities have to say anyway. Unless they're are female and Hispanic. Then they get to make the law!

This makes Rush Limbaugh very angry. Angrier even than when he realizes he just took his last handful of vicodans and the pharmacy won't be open until tomorrow.

You see, Rush wants Senora Sotomayor to fail. And he's not afraid to say it. Wanna know why?

She is a horrible pick and the antithesis of a judge and is going to be a disaster on the court. She's also a racist. Actually a reverse racist. Of course the libs will try to say that minorities cannot be racists because they don't have the power to implement their racism but everyone knows that Obama is the greatest living example of a reverse racist. And now he's gone and appointed a Mexican woman racist to the Supreme Court where she can wage war on innocent middle aged Christian white men who love narcotics and America.

Guess you're wishing we had finished that border fence after all aren't you, America?

The GOP Is As Healthy As Its Leaders

Hi, I'm a fat pile of sh*t who spews venomous hate in the absence of having any formal education or marketable qualities other than a weirdly obsessive love of all things radio. Can I please be the leader of your Party?

Conservative radio host, hate-monger, and dear leader of the Republicans, Rush Limbaugh has no time for "pretend" party members like former Secretary of State Colin Powell or anyone else for that matter who thinks with their brain instead of through an opiate and morphine-filled haze.

That's why he's telling that chump Powell and all the other liberal posers in the GOP to take their panzy-asses and go join the rest of the queerballs in the Democratic Party.

A true Republican like Rush never criticizes his party, under any circumstances. That's what pussy Democrats do. It doesn't matter how far your party has sunk, or how unpopular, out-of-touch, and increasingly irrelevant it's become. It can be teetering on the god damn brink of extinction, and even then you don't dare ask it to change or question its ideas.

No, no. You become even more extreme in your beliefs and rigid in your thinking. Purge all the infidels from the party who think differently, especially those with fresh ideas and sensible solutions. Isolate everyone but the few remaining kooks in your base, and above all hate anything that it isn't white, straight, wearing a cross and holding a gun.

Like moderates. Especially smart black ones who don't want to see their party hijacked by a fat, red-faced idiot whose ability to clearly speak English into a microphone is the only thing separating him from a pathetic life as an unemployed virgin living in his mother's basement.

Fellow bloated, rosy-cheeked Republican hero, Dick Cheney agrees. He knows it would be a mistake for the GOP to moderate, just like he knows the GOP would benefit from him dying, or at the very least, retreating back into his lair and out of the public eye.

"I think periodically we have to go through one these sessions. It helps clear away some of the underbrush...some of the older folks who've been around a long time (like yours truly) need to move on, and make room for that young talent that's coming along. But I think it's basically healthy."

And who would know health more than this four-time heart attack survivor and his jollily obese, half-deaf sidekick?

Rush & Dick: Two Picturesque Visions Of Health

From Commerce Secretary Nominee To Doomsday Oracle

Remember that classy guy Sen. Judd Gregg who cheerfully accepted President Obama's Commerce Secretary nomination before realizing he despised the man and the rest of his stupid, money-spending Democratic deadbeat friends.

Well, he's not just going to withdraw his nomination, spit on Obama's bipartisan peace offering, and go off gentle into that good night. No sir-ee.

He's going to speak his mind. A lot. But not as part of the Obama economic team trying to get America out of its financial crisis and back on its own two solvent feet.

Rather as part of the illustrious Republican chorus of sneering Dick's, puffy, rage-filled radio hosts, and two double-consonant named backstabbers shrieking about how Obama's budget will "bankrupt the country" and turn this great nation into a demoralized, broke, wall-street crazed free-for-all drowning in its own greed and toxic debt.

And to think, we were doing so well without him!

Look Out Behind You, Senator!

In Rush We Trust?

In his usual classy style, Mr. Sensitive Rush Limbaugh held a reasonable, informative discussion about health care reform by predicting the imminent demise of one of it's most outspoken champions, Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA), who also happens to be suffering from a malignant brain tumor.

On his radio show Friday, the ever brilliant Rush first blasted that demon child Barack Obama for shifting attention away from the financial crisis to instead focus on some unimportant issue no one cares about like health care.

Obama is of course only doing this so his approval numbers stay high and that great liberal lion Teddy Kennedy can finally see his life's work come to pass before he hits the old dusty trail to eternity. Not because health care is important to Americans or related to the economy or anything like that.

Take it from Rush. Before it's all over, the economy will still be in shambles since Comrade Barry has no idea how to run a country except into the ground, but at least the Democrats will get their precious little "Ted Kennedy Memorial Health Care Bill" or some other ridiculous legislation giving Americans access to the affordable, quality health care that no one wants.

Instead of giving America what it really needs, which is a fat, washed-up college drop-out with more chins than ideas ranting incoherently about how to save this country from the last eight years of his own party's disastrous rule.

Taming The Lion, Limbaugh Style