The GOP's Suicide Mission Does Not Include Colin Powell

In case you didn't get the memo, former Secretary of State Colin Powell is still a proud member of the Grand Old Party. But there are some people who just don't think Mr. Powell is Republican enough.

Never mind his 20-year record voting solidly with Republican candidates or serving as the first African-American chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and secretary of State under genuinely elephant president George W. Bush. Forget his lifelong commitment to party ideals, his position on the Republican Party's membership committee, or his dedicated military service as a four-star general in the United States Army. Colin Powell is nothing more than a Barry-loving arugula-eating socialist masquerading as a true patriot of the Republican Party!

True patriots like Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney who want highly-decorated frauds like Colin Powell out of their precious party. Frauds who call themselves Republican but then turn around and vote for a liberal demonchild like Barack Hussein Obama. Frauds who think the Republican Party should include more than bloated heart attack victims who hunt ducks, quails, and their best friends. Or pill-popping, prog rock-named radio hosts whose BMI is the only thing more out of control than their insane, hate-filled rants about how feminism is just some made up bullsh*t to make ugly chicks feel better about themselves.

The last thing the Republican Party wants or needs is a bunch of non-white moderates who think with their brains and live in reality to control the direction of their dear party. They'd prefer to keep it real and purge everyone but gun-crazy secessionists, gay-bashing closet cases, and Alaskan ice fairies whose idea of diplomacy consists of lipstick jokes, sexy winks, and refusin' to end sentences with the letter g.

Even a GOP savior like former House Speaker Newt Gingrich knows the Republican party can't exclude everyone and still expect to survive. "To be a national party, you have to have a big enough tent that you inevitably have fights inside the tent."

Or just a tent big enough for Dick and Rush's massive bodies and the handful of true Republicans still left to squeeze inside and celebrate their heroic two-man rescue of the Grand Old Party.

Then they'll break out the bubbly, but first they just need a quick sec to figure out where the hell everyone went.

The GOP Is As Healthy As Its Leaders

Hi, I'm a fat pile of sh*t who spews venomous hate in the absence of having any formal education or marketable qualities other than a weirdly obsessive love of all things radio. Can I please be the leader of your Party?

Conservative radio host, hate-monger, and dear leader of the Republicans, Rush Limbaugh has no time for "pretend" party members like former Secretary of State Colin Powell or anyone else for that matter who thinks with their brain instead of through an opiate and morphine-filled haze.

That's why he's telling that chump Powell and all the other liberal posers in the GOP to take their panzy-asses and go join the rest of the queerballs in the Democratic Party.

A true Republican like Rush never criticizes his party, under any circumstances. That's what pussy Democrats do. It doesn't matter how far your party has sunk, or how unpopular, out-of-touch, and increasingly irrelevant it's become. It can be teetering on the god damn brink of extinction, and even then you don't dare ask it to change or question its ideas.

No, no. You become even more extreme in your beliefs and rigid in your thinking. Purge all the infidels from the party who think differently, especially those with fresh ideas and sensible solutions. Isolate everyone but the few remaining kooks in your base, and above all hate anything that it isn't white, straight, wearing a cross and holding a gun.

Like moderates. Especially smart black ones who don't want to see their party hijacked by a fat, red-faced idiot whose ability to clearly speak English into a microphone is the only thing separating him from a pathetic life as an unemployed virgin living in his mother's basement.

Fellow bloated, rosy-cheeked Republican hero, Dick Cheney agrees. He knows it would be a mistake for the GOP to moderate, just like he knows the GOP would benefit from him dying, or at the very least, retreating back into his lair and out of the public eye.

"I think periodically we have to go through one these sessions. It helps clear away some of the underbrush...some of the older folks who've been around a long time (like yours truly) need to move on, and make room for that young talent that's coming along. But I think it's basically healthy."

And who would know health more than this four-time heart attack survivor and his jollily obese, half-deaf sidekick?

Rush & Dick: Two Picturesque Visions Of Health