For Once Arkansas Schoolchildren Accomplish Something Besides Morbid Obesity & Lifelong Illiteracy

Much to the rest of the nation's shock and dismay, school kids in the tiny backwater town of Russellville, Arkansas actually managed to learn something during their early years of sub-par public education, other than how to torture small animals and harass anyone whose skin isn't perfectly milky white like Jesus intended.

It's true!

The precocious li'l whippersnappers at Russellville Middle School learned, for example, that Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are two of the worst humans in history, something that many adults haven't yet realized, in America at least. It's pretty much standard knowledge in most other places. like all the smart Socialist European countries.

So being the wise, young minds they are, the students at Russellville Middle School decided to include a list of the "Top 5 Worst People Of All Time" in their yearbook, so they will always remember the truly evil who walked among us. Seems harmless enough, except some of the so-called "adults" in this small Arkansas town are very upset that their smarty-pants kids had the brains balls to rank George W. Bush and Dick Cheney fourth and fifth, respectively, on the all-time terrible people list. How dare they!

Good thing local Fox News affiliate Fox16.com is all over it:

Open up the Russellville Middle School yearbook. You’ll see the students’ pictures, the administration, and a pretty controversial list that’s supposed to be covered with a piece of black tape …. The list is titled “Top 5 worst people of all time.” The top three, in order, are Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, and Charles Manson. Numbers four and five are George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Superintendent Randall Williams calls the list “an oversight.”

What is not an oversight however, is the fact that no matter where in the US of A Fox News decides to bring its "Fair & Balanced" brand of journalism, they still cannot manage to spell "Adolf" correctly. But hey, don't worry, you still get an A for effort, Phox News!

Despite Superintendent Williams best efforts to cover this treachery with a piece of black tape, some of the Arkansas parents are still all hot n' bothered over the list—and not just because they think Dick Cheney is ranked too low, as one would think.

"My problem is the tape can be removed easily," said School Board Member Chris Cloud. Cloud has two kids in the Russellville School District and one brought home the yearbook.
"I'm furious as a parent and as a board member and as a tax payer and as a resident of Russellville," he said. "It's wrong."

Don't worry School Board Member Chris Cloud! From the looks of it, you'll be #5 on next year's list, with a bullet! Plus, with a little practice, hell, who knows, Adolph, err, Adolf Hitler may be sweatin' to stay in that top spot.

But what's even more amazing than Bush 'n Dick rounding out the world's most terrible human beings list is that an entire class of youngsters in Arkansas actually made it to Middle School!

Guess the kids are alright!

Wanna One Day Become Awesome President Like George W. Bush, Too? Just Quit Boozin' & Stop Askin' Weird Sex Questions!

The heavy burden of being President of the world is brilliantly revealed in the pop-up children's book, Crazy S**t I Did While Fightin' For Freedom, also known as, Decision Points, George W. Bush's new word-filled memoir reminding the nation how lucky we are that he dropped his little drinking habit to fulfill his destiny as the bestest, most Constitution-lovingest, longest serving president thus far in the 21st Century.

Hooray!

And thank heavens for that, because can you even begin to imagine what the first decade of the 2000s would be like without George W. Bush steady at the helm??

Good thing you don't have to, because our beloved national leader managed to kick his fun, Texas-sized booze habit, but not before doing plenty of dumb, crazy stuff while still a fallen down drunken mess, like racking up DUI tickets and embarrassing his upstanding parents' high society friends with bizarre sex questions.

Apparently alcohol and "wise-asses" don't mix:

"So I’m drunk at the dinner table at Mother and Dad’s house in Maine. And my brothers and sister are there, Laura’s there. And I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman, friend of Mother and Dad’s," says Bush. "And I said to her out loud, 'What is sex like after 50?'"

After that, one could hear a pin drop. It was “total silence,” says Bush. ” And not only silence, but like serious daggers” from my mom and my wife.

"I was a wiseass, and I would do stupid things, and alcohol had control over me. The interesting thing-- I end the anecdote with the woman writing me a letter on my 50th birthday, when I was governor of Texas, "Dear Governor: Well, what's the answer?"

Ha ha, and now when he asks that same question, it is Laura who won't answer!

So umm, thanks George and a hearty congratulations on your longtime sobriety. Too bad the rest of America has developed a serious drinking problem as a result, but hey, anything for a friend!

Oooooh, what other exciting juicy li'l tidbits does ol' cowboy George reveal on his current "Say Outrageous Things To Get People To Buy My Dumb Book Nobody Would Read Otherwise" tour?

Oh yeah, he hates abortion because this one time his mama Babs had a miscarriage when he was a teenager and liked to parade around her dead offspring in a jar.

"She said to her teenage kid, 'Here's the fetus,' " the shockingly candid Bush told NBC's Matt Lauer, gesturing as if he were holding the jar during the TV chat.

"I never expected to see the remains of the fetus, which she had saved in a jar to bring to the hospital," Bush writes in his new book, "Decision Points," in an excerpt Lauer read during the interview.

"There was a human life, a little brother or sister," Bush told the "Today" host during the sit-down to promote his tome, which hits stores tomorrow. “There’s no question that affected me, a philosophy that we should respect life.”

But only if it's a miscarried zygote in a jar. Once it's born? Eh, screw it! Junior's on his own!

But “the purpose of the story wasn’t to try show the evolution of a pro-life point of view,” Bush insisted to Lauer.

It was to show the evolution of a disturbed, f**ked-up childhood? To scare the kiddies on Halloween? Show the world no one puts baby in a jar? Enlighten us good sir, please!

"It was really to show how my mom and I developed a relationship."

Oh sweet suffering Jesus, we're guessin' that must've been the smart and talented one.

Just imagine what could have been if only it was a dead Iraqi child his mother carried around in a Mason jar!

Maybe he would have never stopped tossing back bottles of Jack and gotten himself together enough for the Supreme Court to install him as Supreme Leader of America. And then maybe he would never have been able to shock and awe all those Iraqi women and children by spreading beautiful freedom (and smart bombs) all across the parched desert land.

But either way, a born again Bush is certainly a hell of a lot better than a dead again Dick Cheney, since Bush still has a good enough sense of humor to privately mock Arctic Hurricane Sarah Palin, and enough decency (not to mention, an actual human heart) to keep quiet about President Obama.

"I don't think it's good for a former president to be out there opining on every darned issue," George W. Bush told Oprah Winfrey. "He's got a plenty tough job. Trust me. And there's gonna be plenty of critics, and he doesn't need me criticizing him. And I don't think it's good for the presidency. Other people have a different point of view."

Like a certain pulseless monster vice president with two DD Duracell batteries for a heart, and a hobby of shooting his best friends in the face before demanding an apology for all the inconvenience of your big stupid face getting in the way of his perfect, Christ-blessed bullet.

And since Bush is "through with politics," he doesn't want to predict what might happen in 2012, either.

When asked about the possibility of Sarah Palin’s 2012 presidential bid, Bush deflected the question, saying "I am not a political pundit ... I'm really not."

"And secondly, a lot is gonna happen between now and the nominating process. I — I have no clue."

Winfrey pressed him, saying she didn’t need punditry."I'm just asking you your opinion," she said.

But Bush wasn't biting: "You're asking me to wade back into the swamp."

"Come on in," Winfrey responded. "Come on in."

Hehehe, don't be silly Oprah! Don't ya know, W doesn't do the whole colored thing! What, didn't Katrina teach you anything?? Just ask Kanye if you don't believe me.

Addressing his own dismal popularity ratings when he left office, Bush said someone recently told him that his stature in the eyes of the American people was rising. (Umm, were they drunk?)

But he insisted that wasn't important to him.

"If you chase popularity, you are chasing a moment. You are chasing a puff of air," he told Lauer.

C'mon, it's much more fun to chase WMDs instead.

Of course, Bush had nothing but praise for his father, George H.W. Bush The Elder, who was president from 1989 to 1993.

"He never disappointed me," Bush said. "He was always a great father."

Besides, disappointment was always Dubya's department, anyway!

Dick Cheney Doesn't Need Some Stupid Pulse To Continue Living, You Mortal Fools!

Two-time vice-presidential dark lord of the underworld Dick Cheney may have finally used up his five death deferments. Tragic, but true!

Sadly, the beloved 69-year-old white-haired hero of Iraq/Waterboarding/Enron/Katrina, five-time heart attack survivor, and grandfather to all, Dick Cheney now has a "ventricular assist device" — or a dual-battery heart pump —implanted in his chest with motors and assorted parts churning the blood through his otherwise cold dead heart.

So now instead of just riding around on one, Dick's got a freakin' robot where an actual flesh & blood, pumping, bivalve chamber known as a heart is supposed to be.

Thing is, this one comes without a pulse. That's right, you're not hearing things. I said, Dick Cheney's heart DOES NOT HAVE A PULSE, and yet the man(?) is stubbornly still alive.

It just doesn't seem fair! Steve Irwin gets one stingray to the heart and instantaneously dies, while Cheney is on his fifth complete HEART FAILURE, gets some size D Energizers and a pump, and is on his merry way. Eh, sort of.

According to the New York Times: 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is recuperating from surgery to implant the kind of mechanical pump now being given to a small but growing number of people with heart failure so severe that they would most likely die within a few months without it.

The pumps are partial artificial hearts known as ventricular assist devices, and they come in various models. Mr. Cheney’s kind is about the size of a D battery and leaves most recipients without a pulse because it pushes blood continuously instead of mimicking the heart’s own pulsatile beat. Most such pulse-less patients feel nothing unusual. But they are urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors as to why they have no pulse.

Since in Dick's case, that probably wouldn't be the first reason that comes to mind.

The limited success has proved wrong the many experts who said people could not live without a pulse. The thought was that since the heart had a beat, that beat was needed for blood pressure and circulation. But now doctors believe that continuous-flow devices, which can be smaller and last longer, may function well.

Oh, hahahahaha! Puhleeease! As if Dick Cheney needs silly "human" things like a pulse to continue "living."

No, no, Dick Cheney's blood just flows continually, like the River Styx. He doesn't need your lowly "pumping" like some pathetic carbon-based pussy.

By supplementing the amount of blood pumped through the body, the devices allow many recipients to lead active lives from home. They can bicycle, golf, play tennis, drive cars, shop and generally do what they could before they developed severe heart failure.

Oh, goody! That means, (heart or no heart) Dick will still be able to do all his favoritest activities like torture Muslims (and small animals?), shoot his best friends in the face, and pretty much leave a trail of death of destruction wherever he and his non-beating heart venture.

The latest model devices, “though imperfect, are a stupendous advance compared to 36 years ago,” said Dr. O.H. Frazier of the Texas Heart Institute in Houston. “Still, it is a big operation with risks because we are operating on mortally ill patients.”

But then again, as Dick is not your typical mortal, this should not be the slightest bit problematic. Thank heavens, right?

The implants could be as arduous for a surgeon as risky for a patient, particularly one like Mr. Cheney, 69, who has suffered five heart attacks since the age of 37, has had angioplasty to unblock coronary arteries and stents to keep them open; an implanted pacemaker and defibrillator; surgery to repair aneurysms, or ballooning of arteries, behind both knees; and a number of visits to George Washington University Hospital for monitoring and observation, the last in June.

Who? This picture of health?? Don't you worry about him! I think we all know by now congestive heart failure ain't got nothin' on Dick!

But here is the really good news:

Dr. Frazier said he had implanted a total of 170 such pumps as of June 1, more than any other surgeon. Of those, 24 were in patients 65 and older and 11 of the 24 were in patients older than 70. The oldest was 76. Nine of the 24 have died, and seven of the nine did not leave the hospital. Six of the 15 survivors received heart transplants. The remaining nine are living with the pump. The longest survivor at his hospital had an implant in his 30s and has lived five and a half years.

Looks like the odds are still in our favor.

I mean how long could it really take for a heartless Dick with no pulse to possibly die? Unless, of course, in addition to functioning human organs, mere mortal concepts of time do not apply to his "kind" either.

Mr. Roboto's evil hell twin, that is.

The Beat Goes On: The Still Pumping (Though Still Not Feeling) "Heart" Of Deadeye Dick

There may be ten (declassified?) ways America's former Vice President of Doom Darth Vader Dick Cheney can kill you, and likely rip your-still beating heart right out of your chest, but oddly enough, there only seems to be one way to kill him, err at least try. But, much like his eight-year reign of hell, even offing the bastard doesn't seem to have a very high success rate.

Which is a darn shame, too! Guess you can't always get what you want?

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been admitted to George Washington University Hospital due to unspecified discomfort. The 69-year-old conservative has a history of heart disease and surgery, including a bypass 22 years ago, which didn’t end the problem; Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack since age 37 six months ago. Nine years ago, doctors installed a pacemaker, and just two years ago, he received an electric shock treatment to restore a normal rhythm to his heart. This time, Cheney simply reported some discomfort and has been admitted for the weekend to undergo testing.

Oh irony of ironies! When we, the schmucky public, simply reported feeling some unspecified discomfort during his almost decade long terror spree, we too were admitted to a secure location to undergo testing.

Main difference being, of course, that our secure location wasn't a renowned, cozy hospital in metropolitan D.C., but a secret terrorist compound in scary, remote Guantanamo Bay. And our testing consisted not of state-of-the-art computers gently monitoring our tired, overworked hearts, but wires strapped to our testicles and/or other delicate parts, not-so-gently measuring how much pain living persons can withstand before passing out unconscious.

All this before being promptly resuscitated with a continuous bath of ice-cold Evian 'til we, gasping for air, and positive we were drowning, begged for sweet mercy, blindfolded and strapped upside down to a wooden table, in some creepy prison cell in Communist Cuba.

Oh yeah, and another tiny difference is those "patients" never came back. Must have been all the first-class, one-on-one medical attention given to 'em!

This maniac, on the other hand, keeps going and going and going and going...

Sort of like the Energizer bunny. If the lovable pink li'l bugger was really a demonic sociopath with a permanent sneer and a sick fetish for making people squeal like stuck little piggies, who scoffs at mortal things like five heart attacks (for freedom!) all before the spry age of 69.

Ha ha, you're gonna need to bring more than a handful of major organ failures (pussy!) to turn this red hot Dick cold and flaccid.

Dude didn't even come out in daylight during his vice-presidential tenure ruining America; it was only after NObama became The Decider that ol' Dick decided unleash his adorable mug and soothing, melodious voice 24/7 on the unsuspecting public like some never-ending, Barry-bashing nightmare.

"Am I the evil genius in the corner that nobody ever sees come out of his hole? It's a nice way to operate, actually," Cheney joked, mocking his nickname "Darth Vader" during a 2004 interview.

Unlike those other lame, weak-kneed Republicans with silly consciences who acknowledged mistakes were made after 9/11, and expressed doubts about unlawful, indefinite detentions and/or torturing terror suspects in U.S. custody, Dick didn't so much as think twice.

"I feel very good about what we did. I think it was the right thing to do. If I was faced with those circumstances again, I'd do exactly the same thing," he said.

Oh, Dick! They sure don't call you that for nothing!

Hell, even heart attacks are scared sh*tless of this lunatic freak of nature.

Sure, it may be true that only the good die young. But only the Epically Evil defy death five times since disco was cool and and a straight man could look sexy in skin-tight hiphuggers, while wiggling his hips and thrusting one finger into the air, up and down across his body.

And judging by his body of work twisted trail of death and destruction, looks like this Dick's got a good 50-plus years ahead of him.

Assuming he is comprised of actual oxygen, carbon, inorganic salts, lipids, carbohydrates, billions of cells, nucleic acids, and other trace elements, not poisonous gas, crude oil, corporate power, various machinery, fat gobs of blubber, pure bitterness and unbridled rage.

On the bright side, his corpulent hide could be the exact plug we've been looking for to stop that darn leaking hole in the gulf.

Something tells me he won't mind. After all, he's always been a huge fan of gushing water-based solutions to problems.

Not to mention, all that oil helps keep his artificial body parts free of corrosion, rust, and those awful squeaks, squeals, and screeches.

Ugh, those noises can be so unpleasant when coming from places other than human mouths!

Dick Scoffs At His Aorta, Challenges His Heart To Attack Him Again

Lovable, white-haired cuddlebug Dick Cheney is doing fine and dandy, relaxing in a hospital after his most recent 'chest pain' scare. Of course, it being Dick Cheney and all, we should have known mild "chest pains" are really secret code for mild "heart attacks," one of which he indeed did have on Monday, bringing his grand heart attack total to an impressive five.

Cheney's robust, 69-year-old heart's latest failure to contract effectively and properly circulate blood puts Dicky near the top of the all-time leader list, and in serious contention for a coveted place in the Vital Organ Malfunction Hall of Fame. Ummm, congratulations??

Of course, like any undisputed, heavyweight champion, Dick's meteoric rise to the top of the cardiac arrest charts didn't happen overnight. It's taken unique talent (like flirting with his first attack at the spry age of 37), years of hard work, determination, unchecked rage, and countless heaping plates of Fettucini Alfredo, to get Dick to where he is today:

"Resting comfortably" in a hospital bed after suffering his heroic fifth heart attack, for America.

Ironically, America won't be "resting comfortably" until his obituary is published, likely when Dick suffers his sixth and final heart attack on the inauguration of President Barack Obama's second term.

Forget The Beatles, The Only Thing Bigger Than Jesus Is Dick!

Where does a sneering, creepy, washed up, former henchman of the apocalypse (aka George W. Bush's eight-year hell reign), who is hated by many and loved by few, go when he needs a little pick me up?

Give up? Why to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), of course!

It's where all the old, irrelevant societal pariahs go to once again feel like a star, bask in the warm light of attention, and whine about that dithering Kenyan menace who hates freedom almost as much as starting wars for no reason.

A place where surprise guests and once shining stars like former vice president Cheney can go be their true Dick selves, and still receive thunderous applause and standing ovations from the adoring audience even while balling the sh*t out of the dumb numbnuts for clapping way too long and way too loud.

It's been awhile since he's been around actual humans, he almost forgot how God damn annoying you people are. Almost.

In fact, if he hears one more of you idiots chanting "Four more years!" or "Cheney 2012!" he's gonna friggin' lose it. He'll bust out the waterboarding table right here, right now, so help him God.

"Knock it off!" Cheney said. "A welcome like that is almost enough to make me want to run for office again. But I'm not gonna do it."

Wanna know why? Cause he's (a) Dick that's why. And quite frankly, this country doesn't deserve his sweet, sourpuss face and soothing monotone voice.

Much like the dumb bastards don't deserve a new opening line and will have to settle for a repeat of his 2008 speech instead.

Hahaha, suckers!

Per his usual Dick self, Cheney's remarks were short, slightly encouraging, and more than a little menacing.

"There are some great years ahead of us and it's very, very important that we succeed," Cheney said. "It's a remarkable time to be an American, a remarkable time to be a conservative. Good luck."

Not like you'll need it thanks to the deranged soothsayer you have to lead the way.

"I think 2010 is going to be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause," Cheney said to the now-hyperventilating audience. "And I think that Barack Obama is a one-term president."

Which of course caused the crowd to pass the normal excitement threshold into utter and total hysteria, gasping for breath in between squeals of delight.

Cheney, who was introduced by the blonde-estrogen-filled version of himself, hell daughter Liz, as part of the off-the-hook, proud "younger generation" of Republicans with equally terrible ideas and similarly demented views of the world, vowed to remain active in the conservative cause.

"I'll do everything I can, but I most especially want to encourage the younger generation," Cheney said of his actions in the future.

In the form of my lovely non-gay daughter Liz, who I've trained since birth to heed the Cheney call and make Daddy Dick proud as part of the "younger generation" of social misfits and human defects who gaze adoringly at this grimacing, decrepit, white-haired, occasionally incapacitated 69-year-old, four-time heart attack survivor and prophet of doom, and think to themselves, thank god this man, no this God, is here to restore America to her rightful place as the Star-spangled Satan we once knew and loved so well.

In other words, the Dick Cheney of world superpowers.

If There's Anything Joe Biden Knows, It's That They Don't Call Him Dick For Nothing

America's most famous Dick crawled out from his dank shelter 50ft beneath the Earth's surface, braving both air and sunlight, to grace the simple, unsuspecting carbon-based life forms above with dire warnings and apocalyptic visions about his favorite subjects: war and terror.

And also to celebrate his other crowning achievement while in office, the two-year anniversary of that glorious Feb 11 day when he "accidentally" shot his best friend Harry Whittington in the face during a quail hunting expedition. A best friend who should have known better than to let his dumb face get in the way of Dick Cheney's spraying bullets. The fool!

No, no, this time, the master of creepy, sneering subterranean creatures of the night didn't emerge from the rich soil just to toot his own quail and people hunting gangsta VP horn.

Not when this country is in the middle of a war. A war, which the current Obama administration seems to not have the faintest idea how to handle, but is trying to steal all the credit for anyway. No one, I said, NO ONE, takes credit from Dick when it comes to duping the public into invading oil-rich countries for shits and giggles. And certainly not any dithering, pussy commander-in-chief who actually takes time to think about what they're doing before squandering trillions of dollars and thousands of American lives to capture bin Laden, destroy al Qaeda, get oil oust a mustached menace named Saddam, spark a civil war, and turn Iraq into the new terrorist hot spot.

Which is why Dick had absolutely no choice but come above ground to go on national teevee to repeat his two most favoritest words in the whole wide world: "dead" and "wrong."

Blasting the Obama administration's "passive, pre-9/11 mindset" for putting the country at risk, big Dick Cheney took aim at current vice president Joe Biden's recent statement on Sunday's Meet the Press, that another attack on the scale of 9/11 is "unlikely."

You see, poor Joe Biden made the terrible mistake of saying that Cheney--who simply doesn't much care for softy Obama's refusal to torture and unlawfully detain suspects in secret Cuban prisons--is "trying to rewrite history" and is "either misinformed or is misinforming" about what policies have been most effective in combating terrorists.

"The worry is legitimate," Biden said. "The reason why I do not think it's likely because of all the resources we have put on this, considerably more than the last administration, to see that it will not happen."

You mean waging two-front wars and administering blindfold, upside down luxury drownings to anyone who even slightly seems Muslim-y doesn't make us safer??

Well one dick doesn't like all that pre-9/11 defeatist talk. That naiveté may be fine and dandy in peacetime, but this is war, people!

"I think, in fact, the situation with respect to Al Qaeda, to say, you know, that was big attack we had on 9/11 but it’s not likely again – I just think that's just dead wrong." Cheney said.

"I think the biggest strategic threat the United States faces today is the possibility of another 9/11 with a nuclear weapon or a biological agent of some kind. And I think Al Qaeda is out there – even as we meet – trying to figure out how to do that," Cheney added, crossing his fingers in the hopes that maybe, just maybe his doomsday vision comes to bloody fruition.

He also doesn't much appreciate NObama and Co. trying to steal his war thunder. Iraq is his war, you hear?? HIS WAR, damn it!!

Scoffing at Biden's absurd comments that Iraq may end up being one of the Obama administration’s greatest success, Cheney laughed, eh more like cackled, "I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by my friend Joe Biden." And by friend, he of course means qualifies as the next recipient of some nice buckshot to the face.

"I'm glad he now believes Iraq is a success," Cheney said. "For them to try and take credit for what has happened in Iraq strikes me as a little strange...So if they are going to take credit for [Iraq's success] – fair enough – for what they've done while they're there – but it ought to go with a healthy dose of 'thank you George Bush' up front. And a recognition that some of their early recommendations with respect to prosecuting that war were just dead wrong.”

"I believe very deeply in the proposition that what we did in Iraq was the right thing to do," Cheney said. "We got rid of one of the worst dictators of the 20th century."

Sure as hell we did! After that no WMD desert debacle, the only Bush we'd let anywhere near the White House is the one decorating the South Lawn.

But, yeah, that Saddam guy was kind of a dick too...

Not like Cheney dick, but hey, what did you expect, I mean the guy's only human after all.

Saddam, that is.

Fox News Gets Serious About Being Stupid

As the sole beacon of light and truth in today's dreadful world of health care reform death squads and due process of the law for terrorists, Fox prides itself on bringing fair and balanced news to all the people who make up the bestest, most awesomest nation on God's green Earth, America.

The good folks of the mighty U.S. of A depend on Fox News to keep them up to date on all that's happening around the nation and globe like which horrible world leader Obama bowed to now and how much time is left before the USA officially becomes Soviet Russia, sans the vodka and Kalashnikovs, that is.

Which means the constant fuck-ups, intentional lies, and blatant disregard for facts that we've come to love and expect from our favoritest Fox, will apparently no longer be tolerated. Terrible, I know!

After yet another week of embarrassing mistakes followed by awkward apologies, the big wigs in charge decided it would no longer be acceptable to doctor photos, make up news stories, or commit the usual journalistic suicide and signature idiocies that have made Fox the classy standard for News networks throughout the world.

In fact, Fox News is so serious about this sudden attempt to gain credibility and abandon the whole laughingstock approach, that network executives sent an internal memo to employees announcing their new and hilarious "zero tolerance" policy for all on-screen errors and assorted other screw-ups.

The memo, sent last Friday, warns staffers that such brain lapses could lead to write-ups, suspensions and termination. "Please know that jobs are on the line here. I can not stress that enough."

Subject: Quality Control

We had a mistake on Newsroom today when a wrong book cover went on screen during a guest segment, the kind of thing that can fall through the cracks on any day with any story given the large amount of elements and editorial we run through our broadcasts. Unfortunately, it is the latest in a series of mistakes on FNC in recent months. We have to all improve our performance in terms of ensuring error-free broadcasts. To that end, there was a meeting this afternoon between senior managers and the folks who run the daytime shows in which expectations were reviewed, and the following results were announced: Effective immediately, there is zero tolerance for on-screen errors. Mistakes by any member of the show team that end up on air may result in immediate disciplinary action against those who played significant roles in the "mistake chain," and those who supervise them. That may include warning letters to personnel files, suspensions, and other possible actions up to and including termination, and this will all obviously play a role in performance reviews. So we now face a great opportunity to review and improve on our workflow and quality control efforts. To share a key quote from today's meeting: "It is more important to get it right, than it is to get it on." We may then build up again slowly as deadlines and workloads allow so that we can be sure we can quality check everything before it makes air, and we never having to explain, retract, qualify or apologize again. Please know that jobs are on the line here. I can not stress that enough. I will review again during our Monday editorial meeting, and in the days and weeks ahead. This experience should make us stronger editorially, and I encourage everyone to invest themselves one hundred and ten percent in this effort.

What?? Fox News suddenly cares more about facts than ratings? This is an outrage! I mean by these standards, there will be no one left in the entire Fox organization!

And then where will America go for the pure comic relief that comes with watching a grown man sob hysterically about the glory days when war was cool, torture was synonymous with patriotism, 60+63+70 still equaled 100, and the only time you apologized was if your dumb face accidentally got in the way of Dick Cheney's bullets.

Liz Cheney's Solution To Bow-Gate: Choose Dick In 2012!

Dick Cheney's mutant golden-haired spawn Liz Cheney is full of great ideas. Like how if Obama really wanted to do the honorable thing, he'd take his farce of a peace prize and shove it right down the stupid Nobel committee members' throats. Or send the mother of a fallen American soldier to accept the prize just to remind those Nobel ingrates who exactly keeps them safe and snug every night.

Unlike NObama, Liz also knows the best way to keep America safe isn't through silly diplomacy or cultivating strong international allies or anything pussy like that. I mean who are we, France or something??

Like anyone's gonna take us seriously if we stop randomly invading sovereign nations, start adhering to international law, and suddenly stop pissing the whole world off just because it's fun.

Perhaps that's fine for community organizers in Chicago, but out in the real world, Barry's way just ain't gonna cut it. The O-man is in for a big surprise!

Take his recent trip to Asia for instance, where Comrade Barry made the unforgivable mistake of greeting Japanese Emperor Akihito with the traditional custom of bowing respectfully while shaking hands as a sign of honor. Gasp!

How dare he? Start with a bow and the next thing you know Obama's thanking them for Pearl Harbor and apologizing for that whole A-bomb thing. I mean, the past is the past people!

Liz for one would never endanger America by treating an important world leader and key global ally with respect and deference. And you know who else wouldn't? Dick, that's who!

In fact, when Dick met the emperor back in 2007, not only did Akihito not get a bow, the little man's lucky he didn't get a swift kick in the balls to go with it.

Let alone dither around with any of this "bow-gate" crap.

"You could also look at the comparison and think, Cheney 2012," Liz chimed in during a roundtable discussion on Fox News Sunday.

Which made the rest of the panelists hoot with delight!

Barely managing to contain his hysterical laughter at such sheer brilliance (and wit!), Bill Kristol quipped that, "Sarah Palin would never bow to the emperor of Japan. She wouldn't even curtsy to him."

Don't be silly, Bill! She doesn't even know what a curtsy is. Besides everyone knows Japan isn't a real country. It's just a faraway fantasy island they used for that giant gorilla movie. Donkey Kong or whatever.

Dick Cheney Breaks Out His Olde English Dictionary To Bring Down NObama

Every so often, dark, powerful forces emerge from the dank Earth below to complete their obligation to the natural world. Sometimes it comes in the form of cicadas whose short but vital existence of procreation, death, and nourishment of the Earth is essential to sustaining the natural rhythm of life. Other times it comes in the form of Dick Cheney whose sneering decrepit being emerges from the shadows to unleash his wrath upon unsuspecting mortals. This time his fury is directed at a whippersnapper named Barry for not causing enough death and destruction anywhere, but certainly not in Afghanistan.

"Having announced his Afghanistan strategy last March, President Obama now seems afraid to make a decision, and unable to provide his commander on the ground with the troops he needs to complete his mission...It's time for President Obama to make good on his promise. The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger."

Since we don't have an angry-old-man-to-English translator, we can only assume dithering is some senior citizen insult that went extinct some time during the Mesozoic Era.

"Make no mistake, signals of indecision out of Washington hurt our allies and embolden our adversaries. Waffling while our troops on the ground face an emboldened enemy endangers them and hurts our cause."

"Now they seem to be pulling back and blaming others for their failure to implement the strategy they embraced. It’s time for President Obama to do what it takes to win a war he has repeatedly and rightly called a war of necessity."

Ha ha too bad NObama is too big a pussy to send thousands of American soldiers to die in the rugged mountains of Tora Bora without thinking long and hard about it. You'll have to excuse Dick for not realizing America had a girly-girl in the White House instead of a strong man like Cheney or his two daughters(?) Liz and Mary.

I mean with all his helpful advice, you would think Dick had like 8 or so years to do something about that fun little war in Afghanistan, like actually winning (or making progress of any kind) instead of abandoning it to find all the oil WMDs in Iraq.

"You would think that our successors would be going to the intelligence community saying, 'How did you do it? What were the keys to preventing another attack over that period of time?'"

"Instead, they’ve chosen a different path entirely – giving in to the angry left, slandering people who did a hard job well, and demagoguing an issue more serious than any other they’ll face in these four years. No one knows just where that path will lead, but I can promise you this: There will always be plenty of us willing to stand up for the policies and the people that have kept this country safe."

Or at least when we're not wheelchair bound after undergoing yet another life saving operation to unclog our arteries and scrape away the fatty deposits blocking our blood flow.

But either way, there will always be some patriot like Dick to torture suspects, massacre civilians, squander international respect, botch military operations and use old man words to yell at likable presidents for not following the sound advice of the previous administration whose idea of peace is the deafening silence of carnage and death after being leveled by a heat-seeking missile courtesy of the mighty red, white, and blue.

USA! USA! USA! The bestest, strongest, most awesomest country in the whole damn world. No, make that the universe.

Liz Cheney: Obama Is Radical, The Sky Is Green, And The Earth Is Flat

Dick Cheney's blonde estrogen-filled version of himself, hell daughter Liz has a few suggestions for that terrible man Barry and that farce of a Nobel Prize he won. Ha ha, I mean what the hell does "peace" mean anyway?

Liz is appalled that President Barack Obama would have the audacity to even consider attending the Nobel ceremony in Oslo to accept his award instead of basically telling the committee to go screw themselves and their stupid peace prize too. Which would be the reasonable thing to do, of course.

"The notion that this White House says he will go to Oslo to accept this prize just adds to the farce," Cheney told Fox News. "But I do think he could send a real signal here. I think what he ought to do frankly is send a mother of a fallen American soldier to accept the prize on behalf of the U.S. military and frankly to send the message to remind the Nobel committee that each one of them sleeps soundly at night because the U.S. military is the greatest peacekeeping force in the world today."

Frankly, Liz, you're an idiot.

But that didn't stop this feisty li'l lady from launching her own new group, Keep America Safe, to rally opposition to the "radical" foreign policy of the Obama administration which has done nothing except undermine the nation's security.

"The policies being proposed by the Obama administration are so radical across the board,” Cheney said. “Whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat, you want the nation to be strong and so many steps this president is taking are making the nation weaker."

Absolutely! Who's gonna take us seriously if we stop illegally detaining suspected terrorists for unlimited periods of time, outlaw torture (luxurious upside-down blindfolded ice-cold bottled water baths included), and stop pissing off every one in the world for no good reason?

"The policies of the Bush administration since Sept. 11 are those policies that kept us safe – there’s no turning away from that legacy at all...It’s clear that there’s a real grassroots fear and concern out there. Everywhere I go people are saying to me, ‘Where can I go to learn more,’” Cheney said. “People realize what a dangerous world we live in."

Ummm, yeah, now that we have TWO crazy Cheneys running around.

Beam Me Up, Barry!

Well, well if it isn't our Trekkie President testing out his light-sabering skills during a photo op on the White House lawn to promote Chicago's bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games.

We can only assume Barry is breaking out his Jedi skills to really impress the International Olympic committee and help snag the games for his hometown, or he's found new meaning for the phrase "talk softly and carry a big stick."

Either way, Obama is one Nerd President who appears ready to take on any obstacles in his path, including rival host cities Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro, and Madrid, former Dick Vice-Presidents who are really Darth Vader, and any loudmouth political rival who dares interrupt The Force that is universal health care. Joe Wilson, beware...

The Empire is striking back!

Cheney To Obama: You Don't Know Dick About National Security

Cheerful cuddlebug Dick Cheney is always down to help clear things up and set the record straight especially when it comes to matters of national security. It's his bread and butter!

It's not easy being the lone voice of reason and truth, but hey, someone's got to do it.

Which is why we've come to depend on ol' Dick to help guide us through these most frightening times when America is being run by a real pussy, pardon his French, and anything can happen!

And that anything does include the Justice Department naming a prosecutor to look (he doesn't care if its just a glimpse) into the "enhanced interrogation techniques" so beloved by the Cheney Bush administration, including it's biggest cheerleader, Dick!

This latest outrageous move by the Obama administration to investigate possible violations by the CIA only proves what Dick's known all along: the administration cannot be entrusted with our nation's security.

Everyone knows the brave men and women who waterboarded suspects and forced them into naked pyramids saved America from certain doom! They should be treated as freedom-loving heroes who helped protect this nation during its darkest hours, not as rogue, power-abusing agents gone wild!

"The people involved deserve our gratitude," Cheney said. "They do not deserve to be the targets of political investigations or prosecutions."

How dare we question the "harsh interrogation techniques" used by our bravest secret agents considering these wholesome tactics that are in no way torture "provided the bulk of intelligence we gained about Al Qaeda" after the Sept. 11 attacks.

"The activities of the CIA in carrying out the policies of the Bush administration were directly responsible for defeating all efforts by Al Qaeda to launch further mass casualty attacks against the United States..."

See? Told you Dick knows what he's doing! Now just imagine where we'd be if Bush and Co., had gotten an even earlier start defending the freest, most awesomest country in the world?

But the important thing is that Cheney's precious, perfectly legal tactics of giving luxurious Evian baths to blindfolded, upside-down suspects (ha ha losers!) and forcing them into hilarious sexual positions involving inserting their holiest book the Koran into various holes, saved us from like a million more 9/11's. At least!

So....Go Cheney?

When Will The Chosen One Choose The Gays?

After eight loooong years of George W. Bush, those insatiable gays were finally ready for a president who doesn't believe Hurricane Katrina was God's way of showing his disapproval of their sinful lifestyle.

So when Barack Obama actually defeated that nice old man from Arizona to become America's first half-black president in history and the first semi-gay friendly prez in almost a decade, Americas' queers were overjoyed. Could Obama be the rainbow messiah they've been waiting for?

For starters, he wasn't afraid to say the dreaded three-letter word most candidates find any excuse possible to avoid. He called them by name. He said the word gay (gasp!). At not just when when he had to. But at black churches, in his speech to the decidedly non gay-loving NAACP, and even on election night. In all fairness, he also mentioned that other hedonist group, the atheists, and they're even worse than the gays!

Yes, Obama seemed a far cry from the country's straight white presidential past, and so while he worked to stimulate the economy back from the ravaged pit of despair left in Dubya's wake, figure out exit strategies from not one but two wars, help protect the environment, and reform health care so that uninsured Americans have more options than what color wooden casket they'd like, gays and lesbians sat patiently waiting for him to answer their prayers for equality.

In the meantime, momentum for the gays keeps building--in the courts, in legislatures, in the gay meccas of Iowa and New England. Hell, even freakin' Dick Cheney suddenly showed a soft spot for the gays, and not just cause daughter Mary is one of 'em but because he cares about justice and equality for every citizen of this great nation. Ha ha I'm just playing, it's totally because of her, well that, and the fact that he'll do anything to give Barry a hard time.

So the question remains what's a gay to do with Barry? Should they hate him for not doing more to overturn "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" or the Defense of Marriage Act? For not waving his magic wand and instantly granting America's favorite scapegoat of sin the rights they always heard about but never had? Rights that convicted felons enjoy like the freedom to serve in the military or have a quickie wedding in Vegas by a priest who also happens to be Elvis.

Some, like GLBT rabblerouser and big-time Democratic fundraiser Bruce Bastian, think this is a moral battle, and with truth on their side, it's time to stop being so god damn understanding.

"The President and Congress have really big items on their plate. I’m sure some politicians think, Why can’t the gays be patient? Well, every day that we’re patient we have more gay kids killing themselves. We have more soldiers getting their careers destroyed. We have more religious bigots convincing people to stay in the closet. You can’t get rid of bigotry with legislation, but you certainly can stall it. You can shut it up. Every day that we sit quiet and stay patient, we are losing people."

In other words, less articulate cogent arguments, more insane ramblings and mind-blowing disregard for reality. Just think of it like a Birther and ask yourself "What Would Orly Taitz Do?"

Barack Hussein Obama Fools The World!

The whackjobs and conspiracy theorists behind the Obama "birther" movement spend their days traipsing around the country bitching, moaning, and filing lawsuits against Barack Hussein Obama's illegal presidency based on the figment of their imagination that Barry was born in Kenya and not Honolulu as his birth certificate would like you to believe.

Also involved in this elaborate hoax of course are his parents, friends, relatives, in-laws, and government officials at every level, from both parties, spanning several generations. Maybe the printing press and ink manufacturers too. Who knows?

Maybe even former State Department official and vice-presidential daughter Liz "Dick" Cheney who despite being presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, still refused to distance herself from the crazies in her party who insist Obama is not a natural born citizen, but an ILLEGAL ALIEN. Gasp!

The truth is Lizzy understands where the birthers are coming from--and it's not just the mental hospital.

"I think the Democrats have got more crazies than the Republicans do. But setting that aside, one of the reasons you see people so concerned about this, I think this issue is, people are uncomfortable with having for the first time ever, I think, a president who seems so reluctant to defend the nation overseas..."

Of course, she's not saying that Barack Hussein Obama was born in Kenya or anything, just that, "People are fundamentally uncomfortable and fundamentally I think increasingly uncomfortable with an American president who seems to be afraid to defend America, stand up for what we believe in."

Like a White, Christian nation that's been hijacked by an undocumented, migrant Kenyan with extreme socialist tendencies who has managed to pull off the greatest heist the world has ever seen!

And to think, Miss Cheney would actually question the birthplace of another when she hasn't even cleared up the rumors that her own father is actually the mutant offspring of Slimer and a goat.

Surprise! Dick Cheney Behind CIA's Sketchy, Secret Spy Program

Normally when something goes awry, the first person (if he can be considered that) people think of is Dick Cheney. For obvious reasons.

So when we started hearing whispers that the CIA has been duping Congress for years about all their super secret spy programs, our natural assumption was that if you delved deeper you'd eventually find Dick. Sorry, Nancy, not this time.

Turns out we were right! According to CIA director Leon Panetta's testimony to congressional intelligence committees, the Central Intelligence Agency withheld information about a secret counterterrorism program from Congress for eight years on DIRECT ORDERS from that lovable cuddlebug, former vice president Dick Cheney.

Now, Mr. Panetta only found out about this top-secret "program's" existence on June 23, and canceled the hell out of America's little underground KGB project the very same day!

Of course, no one will say what Cheney's secret doomsday project involved except that it was not the CIA interrogation program or domestic intelligence activities. Only that the "unidentified program was devised and deliberately concealed from Congress in the tense months after Sept. 11, when the Bush administration believed new Al Qaeda attacks could occur at any moment and brainstormed about radical countermeasures." Like drowning suspects without actually killing them!

Representative Peter Hoekstra of Michigan, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, said he believed Congress would have only approved of the program "in the angry and panicky days after 9/11, on 9/12, but not later, after fears and tempers had begun to cool." The 13th or 14th? Forget about it.

The inspector general's report about the National Security Agency’s domestic surveillance activities revealed that Cheney's legal adviser, David S. Addington, wouldn't let the flippin' Pope know about their secret little program without direct approval from the boss man himself.

Unfortunately, Mr. Addington could not be reached for comment.

It's hard to talk when your tongue is in a shoebox under Dick Cheney's bed.

Memoirs Of A Dick

Just in case you haven't had enough Dick (Cheney, that is) lately, you'll be happy to know the former Bush VP has decided to grace the world with his first memoir to be published in Spring 2011, just a few months after Dubya's highly anticipated novel debuts. OMG, 2011 is gonna be awesome!

Now, normally Dick is not one to bask in the spotlight or, for that matter, any light since his primary place of residence is a dank hole 300 feet below the surface of the Earth.

But the more he thought about it, the more the 68-year-old Cheney realized he had a lot to say about his 40 or so years of government service, dating all the way back to the hippie-drenched era of the 1960s. ***Shudder***

His as-of-now still untitled book will cover his loooooong career destroying society, from chief of staff under President Gerald Ford to vice president under George W. Bush to his present-day job as the nation's foremost Prophet of Doom. In between his four heart attacks and numerous surgeries, Cheney still managed to dedicate his life to serving his country--be it torturing enemies, bombing oil-rich countries worth huge rebuilding contracts, watching the Twin Towers burn, New Orleans drown, or just shooting friends. A real American hero, that Dick!

Plus, he wants to set the record straight that he is not in fact Darth Vader or worse, some lab project in Victor Frankenstein's basement.

"I'm persuaded there are a lot of interesting stories that ought to be told," Cheney said. "I want my grandkids, 20 or 30 years from now, to be able to read it and understand what I did, and why I did it."

That way they'll be able to smile proudly and say with confidence, "That's my granddaddy who ruined America!"

Night Of The Living Dead

We've Come For Your Brains

Ahhhhh, attack of the killer zombies! Run for your lives!

Now that they've acquired a taste for human flesh, Rush, Newt, Dick and the rest of the GOP’s living dead can't stop feasting on everyone's brains.

You see, the Republican Party has become many bad things—intolerant, hateful, incoherent, delusional, and worst of all, undead. The once-vibrant GOP of yesteryear has morphed into a wrinkled, decrepit corpse of its former self, having scared off just about everyone who isn't white, male, packing heat, or old enough to have witnessed General Lee's surrender at Appomattox.

But what is a political party that's predominantly pasty-skinned, middle-aged, male, Southern, God-fearing, conservative, unpopular, impotent, ass-backwards, and regarded negatively by more than half the population to do?

Clearly, the answer is to dine on the tasty flesh of one another, especially uppity moderates like Colin Powell who believe the party should adapt to the changing times. Hahaha, yeah, like half-dead creatures of the underworld adapt!

Instead these ghosts of Republicans past continue to haunt their beloved party--and won't stop until the GOP takes its rightful place in a glass-enshrined case at the museum besides the Whigs, Free Soilers, and Prohibitionists.

Even strong and mighty CIA director Leon Panetta is spooked by these half-dead relics creeping around, praying for demonchild Barack Obama to fail almost as much as their skin to stop falling off. Especially Dick.

“I think he smells some blood in the water on the national-security issue. It’s almost, a little bit, gallows politics. When you read behind it, it’s almost as if he’s wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point. I think that’s dangerous politics.”

But feasting on the flesh of the innocent? That's child's play.

The Softer Side Of Dick

Omg. Bleeding heart liberal Dick Cheney (yes that Dick Cheney) may be no-nonsense on national security, but when it comes to matters of the heart, he's as soft as they come. After all, he's a family man first and a demented prophet of doom second.

And he for one knows that gays, while slightly repulsive and annoyingly clean, deserve the same rights as everyone else (except for suspected terrorists of course!). Compared to other threats out there like biological and chemical warfare, a nuclear armed Iran and North Korea, and that wackjob Osama bin Laden, the gays aren't even that bad.

Besides, his daughter Mary happens to be more than just a bit Merry herself. And Dick loves her for who she is: Him.

"I think that freedom means freedom for everyone," Cheney said. "I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish."

Unless they live in one of the 46 or so states that denies them this right. Then they can just pretend. What gays don't have imaginations either?

Like Father, Like Son?

Bush Comes Out Of The Closet In Search Of Some Respect

Hehe, Y'all Miss Me?

Bored with life alone with Laura, Barney, and Miss Beazley in some hoity-toity Dallas suburb instead of at his Crawford Ranch where he really wanted to be, George W. Bush has decided to come out of his publicly-imposed exile and re-enter into the society he destroyed to join his old pal Dick Cheney on the nutjob media circuit tour.

Which has put the GOP in a quite a tizzy. They just don't know what to do with dear W! It was easy during his last few months in office. Hideously unpopular and quickly replacing Jimmy Carter as the nation's biggest embarrassment, Dubya at least had the common courtesy to stay out of everyone's way and amuse himself with the sweet new Xbox 360 Dick and the gang chipped in to buy him, even though it wasn't even his birthday or Christmas!

But suddenly Bush is back and the GOP finds itself facing a cold, hard truth: no matter how hard they try, they just can't quit 43.

And lord knows they've tried. During the presidential primary, the Republicans scrambled all over trying to distance themselves from the Ebola-like virus of George W. Bush, while Democrats did whatever they could to convince voters Bush and the GOP were like conjoined twins who'd die if separated.

But with Bush once again emerging out of shameful obscurity to speak at the Economic Club of Southwest Michigan and later to appear with his brother Bill Clinton at a forum in Toronto, the GOP is slowly starting to re-embrace Bush's legacy. The man himself, not so much.

So while the right resumes its love affair with Bush's effective policies of war, torture, and bankruptcy, you would think they'd show the man who started it all the respect he deserves.

But nooo, instead of thanking ol' Dubya, everywhere you look it's Dick Cheney this and Dick Cheney that.

It's enough to almost make you feel sorry for the guy. Almost. I mean what the hell does a guy need to do to get a little respect around here, anyway?