Comrades Barry & Medvedev Share Burgers 'N Fries, While Russia Orders A Side Of Secret Soviet Spies

Ooooooh, spies! And not just any old spies but real, live scary-sexy RUSSIAN SPIES right here in the American-as-apple-pie posh neighborhoods of the elitist, arugula-eating Northeast.

Soviet comrades turned latte-sippin' professional yuppies in American suburbia. Welcome to the new Desperate Housewives of New York, New Jersey, Virginia, and Massachusetts, Ruski Spy Edition!

An F.B.I. investigation that began at least seven years ago culminated with the arrest on Sunday of 10 people in Yonkers, Boston and northern Virginia. The documents detailed what the authorities called the “Illegals Program,” an ambitious, long-term effort by the S.V.R., the successor to the Soviet K.G.B., to plant Russian spies in the United States to gather information and recruit more agents.  

Oh no-zees! All this super secret spy stuff on the heels of Barack Obama and Russian Puppet President Dmitri Medvedev clinking non-poison laced champagne glasses, and even more recently, Obama treating Medvedev to a perfectly proper, greasy, fat-filled American lunch date at Ray's Hell Burger, where the two casually munched on good, patriotic meat patties topped with melted cheese and tucked (stealthily?) between two, white starchy sesame buns, smothered in their condiments of choice (cheddar cheese, onion, lettuce, tomato and pickles for O, cheddar, onion, jalapenos and mushrooms for M). Hmmm, wonder why no mustard (gas?) for either. Could be significant...the CIA is probably already on it.

Things went so well, they even shared an order of fries, proving without a doubt that the two are officially BFF!

Or so we thought! Until DA-DA-DA-DA-DUM, the Justice Department drops an atomic bomb on the world, announcing the break up of a major Russian spy ring operating right near Ray's Hell Burger, as well as cozy, upscale communities in New York, and even along the bustling shores of New Jersey's favoritest export, a glowing orange dwarf named Snooki!

Hooray, the Cold War is back: HOTTTTTT and awesomer than ever!

The AP reports that eight of the ten were arrested for "allegedly carrying out long-term, deep cover assignments in the United States on behalf of Russia," while two others were "allegedly participating in the same Russian intelligence program within the United States."

One message from bosses in Moscow, in awkward English, gave the most revealing account of the agents’ assignment. “You were sent to USA for long-term service trip,” it said. “Your education, bank accounts, car, house etc. — all these serve one goal: fulfill your main mission, i.e. to search and develop ties in policymaking circles and send intels [intelligence reports] to C[enter].”

And even though they looked like the hotties and housewives on Wisteria Lane, that doesn't mean these guys didn't act like crazy, hard-ass Russian 007 agents when the neighbors tucked in for the night, promptly after the pots 'n pans were washed and dried, once the cover of darkness was upon them.

Criminal complaints filed in Federal District Court in Manhattan on Monday read like an old-fashioned cold war thriller any episode from Season 1-6 of Desperate Housewives:

Spies swapping identical orange bags as they brushed past one another in a train station stairway. An identity borrowed from a dead Canadian, forged passports, messages sent by shortwave burst transmission or in invisible ink. A money cache buried for years in a field in upstate New York.

They also used cyber-age technology, embedding coded texts in ordinary-looking images posted on the Internet, and communicated by having two agents with laptops containing special software pass casually as messages flashed between them.

The spies were so embedded in U.S. culture (and each other!) that they even acted just like regular, boring preppy white suburbanites, pairing off to make whole yuppie families complete with a few kiddies, well-manicured lawns, and a large white picket fence. We're talking, the whole nine yards!

But not even super-secret agent couples are immune to the pitfalls of following the same dreary, chrysanthemum-lined path as so many other young, upwardly mobile professionals who give up their hip city apartments for the perceived American dream of the good life in a hoity-toity, fancy house in the 'burbs:

As the years went by, that arrangement sometimes led to friction, the complaint said, citing an acrimonious exchange of encrypted messages between a pair of alleged agents living under the names Richard and Cynthia Murphy. The couple, who have allegedly operated in the United States since the mid-1990s, decided in 2008 to move from an apartment in Hoboken to a house in Montclair, N.J. — leading to an argument over whether they or the S.V.R. would own it.

The agents eventually dropped the argument, writing: “We are under the impression that C. views our ownership of the house as a deviation from the original purpose of our mission here. We’d like to assure you that we do remember what it is. From our perspective, purchase of the house was solely a natural progression of our prolonged stay here. It was a convenient way to solve the housing issue, plus to ‘do as the Romans do’ in a society that values home ownership.”

C'mon Moscow! Did your really expect them to pass up the chance to be an actual U.S. homeowner with  fancy-$hmancy mortgages. Does Vlad have any idea how difficult that is to do, in this terrible borrowing climate??

Almost as hard as clandestinely operating Russian spies masquerading as Mr. and Mrs. Smith for the last 15 years!

"The magnitude, and the fact that so many illegals were involved, was a shock to me,” said Oleg D. Kalugin, a former K.G.B. general and ex-Soviet spy who now is an American citizen living in Washington. “It’s a return to the old days, but even in the worst years of the cold war, I think there were no more than 10 illegals in the U.S., probably fewer.”

OMG, and that was like even before Jan Brewer's brilliant 'round up the darkies plan! Quick, someone get the governor on the line, and tell her they need Aryanzona's "Adiós Amigos" law removing the undesirables from their neck of the woods. But, unlike in her parched home state, these illegals aren't typically chocolatey-hued and packed into pickup trucks, wearing sombreros and blasting La Bamba.

But national security stuff aside, what the hell were they actually doing this whole, freakin' time, other than exchanging secret IM's using free wifi at local coffeehouses in their hush hush quest to discover what drives the American elitist power structure, like homeowning?

Hmmm, who knows? But by that token, what the hell have you people been doing these last 15 years, besides letting this beautiful, wondrous country turn into a secret Commie playground for Boris and Natasha?

If only the 11 spies had grown morbidly obese, thrown on ratty, torn Jesus Saves t-shirts, covered themselves in tattoos, run around waving swastika-peppered handmade signs, and constantly threatened to kill the terrible black Socialist president and/or blow up the DEMONcrats in Congress, nobody would have ever been the wiser.

I mean George W. Bush peered into Putin's freakin' soul and he still didn't learn anything.

Lest, of course, they started winning gold medals in figure skating at every Winter Olympics, nuking oil spills in the Gulf, and/or shooting the (Arctic) breeze while shooting wild beasts with Sarah Palin from her famous front porch in Wasilla.

Then maybe people would have started getting suspicious.

Or Nyet.

Cheney To Obama: You Don't Know Dick About National Security

Cheerful cuddlebug Dick Cheney is always down to help clear things up and set the record straight especially when it comes to matters of national security. It's his bread and butter!

It's not easy being the lone voice of reason and truth, but hey, someone's got to do it.

Which is why we've come to depend on ol' Dick to help guide us through these most frightening times when America is being run by a real pussy, pardon his French, and anything can happen!

And that anything does include the Justice Department naming a prosecutor to look (he doesn't care if its just a glimpse) into the "enhanced interrogation techniques" so beloved by the Cheney Bush administration, including it's biggest cheerleader, Dick!

This latest outrageous move by the Obama administration to investigate possible violations by the CIA only proves what Dick's known all along: the administration cannot be entrusted with our nation's security.

Everyone knows the brave men and women who waterboarded suspects and forced them into naked pyramids saved America from certain doom! They should be treated as freedom-loving heroes who helped protect this nation during its darkest hours, not as rogue, power-abusing agents gone wild!

"The people involved deserve our gratitude," Cheney said. "They do not deserve to be the targets of political investigations or prosecutions."

How dare we question the "harsh interrogation techniques" used by our bravest secret agents considering these wholesome tactics that are in no way torture "provided the bulk of intelligence we gained about Al Qaeda" after the Sept. 11 attacks.

"The activities of the CIA in carrying out the policies of the Bush administration were directly responsible for defeating all efforts by Al Qaeda to launch further mass casualty attacks against the United States..."

See? Told you Dick knows what he's doing! Now just imagine where we'd be if Bush and Co., had gotten an even earlier start defending the freest, most awesomest country in the world?

But the important thing is that Cheney's precious, perfectly legal tactics of giving luxurious Evian baths to blindfolded, upside-down suspects (ha ha losers!) and forcing them into hilarious sexual positions involving inserting their holiest book the Koran into various holes, saved us from like a million more 9/11's. At least!

So....Go Cheney?

The Spy Who Knew Too Little: The Rise (And Fall?) Of Leon Panetta

Oh no, is there trouble in Barryland? Perhaps, if you consider the Obama administration's decision to begin a criminal probe of alleged CIA abuses during the Bush administration, minutes after the release of a newly declassified CIA document describing how interrogators threatened to do all kinds of crazy things to detainees, like kill the children of one Sept. 11 suspect and rape the mother of another. You know, typical spy stuff.

But not everyone is happy with these so-called constitutional freedoms that allow the nosy public to view the 2004 CIA inspector general report on all the death it caused, minus the 20 or so pages blacked out for security reasons, not to cover-up illegal activities or heaven forbid torture or anything like that.

CIA director Leon Panetta for one thing is NOT AT ALL pleased with Mr. Goody Two-Shoes Attorney General Eric Holder's decision to appoint a prosecutor to investigate the matter since spies are perfect and would never do anything legally or morally questionable. Ever.

Which explains why Panetta's been getting schooled in the art of temper tantrums from resident expert Rahm Emanuel, so that he can direct his profanity-laced tirades at the whole stupid administration for daring to question the way his spy agency conducts its business of saving America from terrorist attacks and other assorted apocalyptic doom.

Keep this up Barry, and you just might find yourself out of a CIA director. How's that sound? Oh yeah, and then what?

The CIA relies on stability, and the last thing it needs in these uncertain times, is its fifth director since 9/11 storming out the door after an expletive-filled screaming match with White House staff.

Of course, the CIA dismissed the report as "wrong, inaccurate, bogus and false" (wink, wink), Panetta denies any plans to leave his precious CIA, and the only thing the White House would say about the little tirade is that Panetta's known to use "salty language."

Ha ha, yeah, like you're gonna get Leon "Stone-Cold" Panetta to tell you jack sh*t. Even if he knew anything (which, eh, he doesn't), he wouldn't want you people poking around his perfect little spy community, digging (not-so-nice) things up, and exposing his spies.

The gentle and dedicated men and women in the intelligence community willing to go to any lengths (ANY!) all because they love America...and Freedom! And once in a while getting to go medieval on someone's ass. Consequence free, of course!

Surprise! Dick Cheney Behind CIA's Sketchy, Secret Spy Program

Normally when something goes awry, the first person (if he can be considered that) people think of is Dick Cheney. For obvious reasons.

So when we started hearing whispers that the CIA has been duping Congress for years about all their super secret spy programs, our natural assumption was that if you delved deeper you'd eventually find Dick. Sorry, Nancy, not this time.

Turns out we were right! According to CIA director Leon Panetta's testimony to congressional intelligence committees, the Central Intelligence Agency withheld information about a secret counterterrorism program from Congress for eight years on DIRECT ORDERS from that lovable cuddlebug, former vice president Dick Cheney.

Now, Mr. Panetta only found out about this top-secret "program's" existence on June 23, and canceled the hell out of America's little underground KGB project the very same day!

Of course, no one will say what Cheney's secret doomsday project involved except that it was not the CIA interrogation program or domestic intelligence activities. Only that the "unidentified program was devised and deliberately concealed from Congress in the tense months after Sept. 11, when the Bush administration believed new Al Qaeda attacks could occur at any moment and brainstormed about radical countermeasures." Like drowning suspects without actually killing them!

Representative Peter Hoekstra of Michigan, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, said he believed Congress would have only approved of the program "in the angry and panicky days after 9/11, on 9/12, but not later, after fears and tempers had begun to cool." The 13th or 14th? Forget about it.

The inspector general's report about the National Security Agency’s domestic surveillance activities revealed that Cheney's legal adviser, David S. Addington, wouldn't let the flippin' Pope know about their secret little program without direct approval from the boss man himself.

Unfortunately, Mr. Addington could not be reached for comment.

It's hard to talk when your tongue is in a shoebox under Dick Cheney's bed.

The Truth About Spies Is They Sure Can Lie!

Surprise! Turns out the CIA is very good at something other than finding weapons where they don't exist. They can lie with the best of them! Especially when it comes to "concealing significant actions" from the dumbos in Congress, which they've been doing with ease since 2001, according to a letter from CIA director Leon Panetta to seven Democratic lawmakers.

Which is only slightly awkward since Mr. Spy Chief Panetta just testified to Congress in May that "it is not our policy or practice to mislead Congress—that is against our laws and values." Oops.

Now this has Congress all in a tizzy. They are quite skilled at looking stupid and don't need the CIA's help in this matter, thank you very much.

Of course, because the letter in question doesn't describe the nature of the actions hidden and neither lawmakers nor the CIA would provide details, it is difficult to determine who knew what (no one/nothing?) and who lied to whom (everyone?).

What we do know is that this not the first time Congress and the CIA have come to blows over the spy agency's "information gathering" techniques, namely the Bush administration's favorite activity of drowning suspects with Evian bottles. Which it should be said is closer to a luxury bath than torture.

Rep. Rush Holt, a New Jersey Democrat who chairs a House subcommittee on intelligence, and was among the lawmakers who signed the letter, said the information that was hidden from Congress was not over a small issue, but "serious stuff."

"Our reason for writing the letter in the first place has to do really with the integrity of Congress and the balance of powers."

Well in that case, no worries. Congress never had much integrity and the balance of powers is simple: The White House calls the shots, the CIA carries it out, and everyone agrees to ignore Congress. It's only when that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi woman starts poking her nose around that the CIA is forced to lie.

Damn Nancy Pelosi, she always ruins everything!

Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden?

Getting Warmer?

Remember Osama bin Laden, the cave-dwelling Jihadist enemy of America we invaded not one but two countries to capture and still came up just slightly short-handed? A small error which would be really embarrassing had we not succeeded in shocking and awing a few Muslims along the way.

Well the CIA now believes bin Laden is still in Pakistan, where he always was (oops, their bad!) and that can only mean one thing: the third time's a charm baby!

Don't you worry America, because finding bin Laden remains one of the CIA's top priorities. Even if they're waaaaay better at gathering intelligence on things that don't really exist, like the stockpile of WMDs Saddam was thisclose to using on the U.S. of A!

But CIA Director Leon Panetta is confident his cracksquad of (intelligence?) operatives have what it takes to finally bring Public Enemy #1 to justice.

"We have a number of people who are on the ground in Pakistan who are helping us provide targets and helping us provide the information that we really need to go after al-Qaida...I guess one of our hopes is that as Pakistani military moves in, combined with our operations, we may have a better chance to get at him."

But just to be on the safe-side, and ensure that Osama doesn't once again elude capture by slipping through the 1,545-mile-wide crack between Iraq and Pakistan, Panetta said the CIA will spend nearly $250 million in the next five years to double the number of intelligence officers that are proficient in a foreign language.

Before unceremoniously booting them for being admitting they're gay.

Because they have a job to do damn it! and can't afford any distractions. Like starting wars under false pretenses and well-dressed, hard-bodied men with wandering eyes and a skip in their step.

Guantanamo Bay: Club Med For Terrorists!

For all the bitching and moaning about Guantanamo Bay, you would think the place is some nightmarish detention center instead of the luxury spa retreat it really is.

It's soooo nice and relaxing in fact that some lucky inhabitants will do just about anything to stay. Like 31-year-old Muhammad Ahmad Abdallah Salih who loved the place so much he decided he just couldn't leave. Ever.

So, after almost eight years of unlawful detention without charges, Salih decided to become the fifth person to make Guantanamo their permanent residence and final resting place.

And how can you blame him? Where else can you live rent-free, have a 24-hour doorman, and still get all the creature comforts like being waterboarded using only ice-cold bottled water straight from the fridge?

It's the little things like these that make Gitmo so irresistible, it's almost impossible to leave.

The Spy Who Shagged Me

Sex, Lies, & Videotape

Of all the ways to improve America's standing in the Islamic world, finding out that the CIA's top point man in Algiers has been moonlighting as a crazed sex fiend who drugs and rapes Muslim women is probably not one of them.

But, it is, unfortunately, the reality. Turns out that while Andrew Warren spent his days fighting terror as the CIA's station chief in Algiers, he spent his nights terrorizing women with date-rape cocktails and sexual assault crimes.

Allegedly. If you believe the two Algerian women in an affidavit signed by the State Department that goes into lurid detail describing secret agent man's extracurricular activities.

Or the subsequent search of Warren's Algiers home that uncovered typical stalker spy stuff like computer drives and data-storage devices, a handbook on the investigation of sexual assaults and large quantities of Xanax and Valium. Nothing suspicious there.

In addition to being a spy and rapist, Warren also dabbles in fiction, publishing a pulp thriller whose main character happens to be a U.S. diplomat battling terrorists in none other than Algiers.

In this version, hero "Nick Phillips," has an affair with a beautiful Algerian woman named Mariam who shuns Arab men ("because they're too controlling") but falls in love with Nick because he "respects her and treats her as an equal," and "never pressures her and understands her culture."

Really?? That's the best you can do? Ha ha, no wonder "People of the Veil" wasn't exactly flying off the shelves. Someone should really inform Andrew Warren that the truth is stranger than fiction.

Might give him some ideas for his second novel.