Newt Gingrich Is Very Sorry For His Climate Change Ad With Nancy Pelosi; Vows To Spend The Next Decade Destroying The Environment To Make Up For It

Pop quiz. What do you do when you're a pathetic, pandering, flailing Republican presidential candidate (a man can dream, can't he?) who in a rare fit of rational thought and courage joined the dark side and appeared in a video with commie leader Nancy Pelosi to urge the country to address the evil liberal lie known as climate change?

Kill yourself? (Please say yes, please say yes!) Reinvent reality to reflect the Grand Old Party's shift from sort-of crazy-but-still-believe-in-science to full-out-Michele-Bachmann-esque-batshit-crazy-who-believe-that-the-unprecedented-levels-of-violent-storms-hurricanes-droughts-famines-tornadoes-wildfires-isn't-from-man's-increased-industrialization-but-because-God-hates-the-homos?

Blame it on the ol' reliable standby, everyone's favorite vast left wing conspirator, the elitist, arugula-eating, no-good, Jew run media?

Oooh, oooh, I've got it! Pull some God-awful, lame-as-your-ridiculous presidential-campaign excuse out of your ass, and hope the voting public are as dumb as you think they are?

Precisely!

Here's Newt's response when asked about the 2008 ad for Al Gore's "We Can Solve It" campaign during an appearance on WGIR radio in New Hampshire:

I was trying to make a point that we shouldn't be afraid to debate the left, even on the environment, but obviously it was misconstrued, and it's probably one of those things I wouldn't do again.

Well duh!

Back in 2008 when he filmed this little badboy, it was still cool for Republicans to talk candidly about climate change and the environment.

Before abolishing the Environment Protection Agency and destroying Earth became a central issue of his "campaign," or sitting on a couch with Nancy Pelosi talking about trees and shit became the political equivalent of, say, coming out of the closet at a press conference and banging everyone of the same gender in the room with the cameras rolling.

Besides, what the hell is an "environment" anyway? Some hippie-dippie, feel-good kumbaya hogwash liberals made up to feel good about themselves?

Truth is, Newt doesn't even believe in climate change. Hell, he doesn't even believe in climate!

He believes in million dollar credit lines at Tiffany's for his beautiful, charming, third (soon-to-be-ex) trophy wife Callista.

Unlike this dumb planet (or Newt's marriages), diamonds are forever.

Anthony Weiner (& His Weiner) Head To Rehab To Learn How To Have A Proper Sex Scandal...The Kind That Involves Actually Getting Laid

So now that Anthony Weiner and his rock hard weiner abs have been turning up every which way in the never-ending dick joke that is now his life, the once-promising, loudmouth, star New York congressman has decided to do what every other shamed (Democratic) politician does when caught doing weird, naughty things: cries like a baby and goes to "rehab."

So condolences to CNN, MSNBC, CBS, PBS, ABC, and most of all, Fox News, whose days of providing cocksure liberal Anthony Weiner the perfect forum on which to hear his own terribly annoying voice, has been cut short, thanks to the terrible disease known as Twitter banging random womenfolk with sexytime pics of his luscious manscape.

And now, like Tiger Woods before him, Anthony Weiner is off to the crazy house, for treatment on how to avoid publicly humiliating yourself by sending pics of your peen en masse to unsuspecting women on the internets. Then maybe everyone will forget that his sordid sex scandal didn't even involve actual sex (sordid or otherwise) but rather just a bunch of tasteless photos of a shirtless Weiner grabbing his own weiner before most likely rubbing one out in the congressional gym shower.

And hopefully this scandal too will fizzle out, fall off the top of Google News, and return to its final resting place in the subconscious minds of the public as a constant reminder that all politicians are in fact lying scumbags who could maybe get something done if they didn't spend all their time admiring the stimulus package tucked beneath their pleated Dockers through a steamy, fogged up mirror.

It doesn't help that everybody who's anybody wants Weiner to quit and go away already, with Nancy Pelosi saying very stern, Grandma-ish things about how he should seek mental help “without the pressures of being a member of Congress.”

Oh please, like being insane ever stopped anyone from being in Congress!

Even President Obama got into the mix, saying, "I can tell you that, if it was me, I would resign."

Ummm, yeah Obama, because that would ever be you. Besides, everyone knows if it was you sending cock shots to teenagers on Twitter, you'd be less worried about your job and more concerned with getting your skinny ass into the Witness Protection Program before Michelle finds out and goes all Lorena Bobbitt on you.

In the meantime, Weiner hasn't resigned but is instead seeking some kind of "treatment" at an undisclosed treatment center somewhere in America, perhaps using a discount coupon from the new adult sexting startup: GropeOn.

As of now, House Democrats get to keep their Weiner, Republicans still have their Boehner, and Anthony Weiner accomplished his life-long goal of introducing the nation to its newest (and cockiest!) congressional member.

And from what we hear, he's a lot like his daddy: a real prick!

Barackalypse Now: Teabaggers Lose Their Minds, While The Rest Of Us Get Health Care!

While our evil commander in chief rolls through DC with his tyrannical posse of limo-ridin' hookers, hos, and enough health care votes to go around en route to his victory party tonight, the really BIG news was that a couple hundred anti-Semites, homophobes, Neo-Nazis, and straight up Jim Crow lovin' racists loitered around Capitol Hill shrieking about how NObama is Hitler because he's always trying to help the poors get health care.

Turns out, Adolf Obama managed to convince neonatal crusader Bart Stupak and his ever shrinking, now-six or so strong, pro-life disciples that a nice letter saying "abortion is bad" (and ending the ten-month standoff) is probably a better idea than outlawing abortion entirely. So, good job Bart! Obama will indeed draft a sternly worded letter about what happens when ladies aren't careful with their hoohas, and you can agree to go back to complete obscurity except for those fleeting 15 minutes when everyone knows your name for being that one Democratic douchebag who loves babies in their mothers' wombs too much to care about the rest of us poor schmucks unlucky enough to be born.

But the freedom-fightin' tea connoisseurs aren't about to take a shovel to Grandma without showing the whole Fox News-watching world just how patriotic they can be by shouting "n*gger" and "f*ggot" at the evil socialist government, and its elected representatives for putting their grubby hands all over the good American people.

Which is why they're here to make a statement(?) about the beloved country they're so concerned about losing the second NObamaCare is shoved down our throats through normal legislative procedures by actual elected lawmakers.

"Kill the Bill! Kill the Bill! Kill the Bill! It's called Slavery! They are using you!"

And I always thought that slavery was when you own another human being as your possession, not when you're on the brink of passing arguably the most historic piece of legislation in recent memory.

Not so my friends, not so! Gosh, what else have I been missing all these years?

"Our country is going down the toilets really fast because our leaders are refusing to listen to us, they're being like tyrannical dictators."

Tyrannical dictators who won't stop 'til every last America is properly insured! Mwwwwaaahhaaaa!

"Why push health care on people that have with excellent health care? We have the best health care in the world!!"

As long as you don't get sick, fatty!

Besides, "It is all about bureaucracy and control. It is NOT AT ALL about people's health."

We simply don't like black people telling us how to do anything, let alone receive better, more affordable medical care! What do we look like idiots or something?

Just listen to the man wearing the Mickey Mouse wizard hat, wool scarf, and psychedelic tie-dyed shirt with a giant eyeball. He knows the truth: "the government can't run anything effectively and to think that they can run health care is smoking the funny stuff."

And judging by the get-up, this dude knows a thing or two about what funny stuff will do to a person's mind, not to mention fashion sense.

Speaking of minds...

"Three words: Not Good For The Country."

Eh, that's five words, but who cares? Everyone knows numbers are just another made-up government plot to fool the unsuspecting people.

So, what are some of the problems with the health care bill that Congress is trying to pass now?

"That's not a bill. That's socialized." **Shrug**

Ha ha, natives who can't speak English, adorable!

Okay, let's try this again: What are some of the things in it that you have a problem with?

"Oh, I don't know, I don't know." Translation: I can't read.

Fine, let's ask the nice, young lady in tasteful "I survived Roe v. Wade" t-shirt. She looks like she actually knows something about what she's protesting on the Capitol about.

"Yeah, that nice little death tax. Where they would rather send you a $50 check for a blue pill, an end-of-life pill, than pay for the necessary medical expenses."

Whoa, whoa, sex must be really bad for you to refer to that magic blue tablet that helps the hubby get hot for you as an end-of-life pill!

Maybe the guy wearing the impeach Obama (and obligatory Hitler mustache) sign can help clear things up.

"ObamaCare is euthanasia. It's rationing."

"They have a curve, where as you start out as a baby you become more and more important, 'til you get to a certain age you're not important anymore."

Hmmm, wonder why I never heard about this secret curve of death. Must be another liberal lie from the mainstream media.

And where would people find such horrors in the bill?

"I don't even know what's in the bill per se."

Or what that weird French(ish) sounding word even means, but I'll say it anyway cause I'm a teabagger and I don't need the tyranny of the English language telling me what I can or cannot grammatically say!

"Kill The Freaking Bill! Socialized medicine! Rationing! We don't want it!!" Grrrrrrrrrr!

Hello crazy lady, why don't you tell us about your "Ameristan" signs here.

"Okay well, to me he (Barack Hussein Obama) is creating Ameristan: of the government, by the government and for the government."

Why "Stan" though?

"Well, I just think that...um...just creating...eh, just um...there's been a lot, uh..." what's that word I'm looking for again?

Oh yeah, foreign! It sounds foreign, yeah, that's it! Foreign! Gross.

"We think the government should adhere to the constitution. When Barack Obama...I don't believe Barack Obama believes in the constitution."

Even though he was a constitutional scholar?

"Eh, so, they say." Just like they say 9/11 wasn't an inside job, Hussein Obama wasn't born in Kenya, and America really landed on the moon.

"It is against our U.S. Constitution, they way these guys are gonna backdoor this health care bill, it's not in...and I have a pocket of, I have a pocket, err, constitution here somewhere...umm..it's in the other pocket."

Okay, so maybe I just have a pocket, but that's not the point.

The point is the same hole Obama used to shove health care down our throats is the very same one that let the damn constitution fall out of my pocket in the first place!

So what would you guys like to see our health care reform look like?

"Tort reform! Tort reform! Tort reform!"

"Stop suing the pants off the doctors, that's why medical bills are so high!"

But independent sources say tort reform would only lower the medical costs by about 1.5 percent? What do you think of that?

Blech. Tort reform! We like AMERICAN cakes, not fancy schmancy European pastries!

Crazy guy who looks like the Unabomber in a sombrero: "I believe that Jesus, Yeshua, the Messiah actually in Hebrew, is our great physician. If we pray to him we can be healed."

Even for people who don't have insurance?

"Natural herbs and remedies have been found even by the Indians, and by the Hindus and by the Chinese to take care of a lot of our ills in a very inexpensive, affordable manner."

Tea for instance?

But, what do you think should happen with the 30 million who don't have insurance?

"I don't believe there's 30 million people that don't have insurance. There's always going to be people who need help. Always, that's a fact of life. There's always gonna be poor people."

Look, they said Hitler killed 6 million of them Jews and we all know what a crock that is.

"I challenge anybody to read that 2,000 plus page bill--the first one that came out and essentially everything they want to do is roughly the same."

Really? But the bill remakes, rather re-regulates the largest industry in our country and it is still only the size of a couple of Harry Potter books.

"Oh, hahahahaha! That's a great analogy because I think if we go into that bill, that's the kind of world we'll be living in, a Harry Potter world."

Where the evil wizard Lord Voldemort (Barack Obama) wants to enslave the rest of the powerless Muggles and it is up to brave Hogwarts like you, me, and the guy carrying the Hitler poster to save humanity.

Why isn't the media covering this?

Ugh, arugula eating elitists!

"We recommend Fox News. Fair and balanced, everyone else is on Obama's side."

Fox News!!

It's like real news, 'cept for dumb racists who don't like big words or smart brown people telling them what to do.

Like drop dead. Or get health care.

Teabaggers Know Obama 'Bin' Pretendin' To Be American 'Agin'!

You may think Teabaggers are nothing more than ignorant, gun-crazed Grand KKK Wizards with nothing better to do than intimidate old people at peaceful health care town hall debates, and pretend to go into cardiac arrest outside of Senate offices because they love freedom but hate black presidents who try to give them more health insurance options than starve to death or pay for their five-year-old kid's life saving kidney operation.

But did you know that they are also comic geniuses? Think about it. Without these frizzy haired, toothless lovers of herbs, spices, and liberty waving Nazi signs signs and WWJD posters, there would be no hilariously stupid homemade signs to provide hours of entertainment and hearty laughter for the rest of us unpatriotic Socialists who hate America and want nothing more than to see the Constitution burned and strung up from the nearest tree in an exciting, fun-filled public execution ceremony.

Which is why we are eternally grateful for these loyal patriots who drove their freedom trucks from all across the U.S. of A to head to the heart of darkness (aka Washington, DC) to participate in Tuesday's "Code Red Health Care Rally" to protest the $875 billion health care bill and harass the terrible DEMONcrats trying to shove health care down the throats of decent, hardworking Americans whose throats feel just fine, thank you very much.

But this time, the evil Feminazis and abortionists running the Democratic Party have decided to finally fight back against the crazy Republicans' attempts to turn every single, obscure-yet-common procedural move into proof of the coming doomsday Barackalypse.

House Speaker and chief SS officer, Nancy Pelosi had the nerve to send House Democrats a memo offering tips for how nervous Dems should handle the crowds of blood-thirsty teabaggers swarming their offices, demanding either answers or heads-on-sticks. Preferably, the latter.

"Tens of thousands of conservative and Tea Party activists will be on the Hill as part of what they are dubbing a 'Surge Against Obamacare,'" reads the memo, which also includes a checklist of provisions in the current bill to counter the "caricature of the reform bill presented by right-wing media outlets."

A checklist of facts which includes such mainstream media lies as: "Reduces the deficit; Cracks down on Medicare waste, fraud, and abuse; Provides historic tax credit for small businesses and individuals to purchase health insurance."

Haha, nice try Nancy. I mean who needs facts when you have throngs of pitchfork-wielding teabaggers carrying their own, awesome, homemade versions of the truth?

Truths like "Obama bin Lyin' Agin" because everyone knows our 44th President is really Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden disguised as a charming former community organizer with a sweet jumpshot and a burning desire to reform health care in a twisted, ingenious plot to curb the insurance industries fleecing of the public, and improve the health of the nation, just so he can destroy the whole, robust lot of 'em once they're no longer bed-ridden and/or rotting in debtors prison.

Of course, "Agin" isn't just the savvy teabaggers way of spelling "again," like a true American either, but likely secret code for something terrible and racist dumb people like to call colored presidents when they try to come between them and their doctor and the insurance company already lodged cozily between them.

But the big question is what the hell is a George W. Bush cartoon doing on the above teabagger's lovely sign?

Certainly, it can't be a picture of NObama, without the obligatory Hitler mustache, watermelon patches, or piles of Jewish corpses to accompany it.

C'mon people, how are we supposed to get all fired up about Barry's Bolshevik plot to murder Grandma and snack on Baby Trig if we don't even know how to properly draw an insulting cartoon version of him?

I mean, here we are, supposed to hate the man for destroying The Great America, and all I want to do is hug him, grab some beers, and maybe go for a ride on his magical Dumbo ears over to Crawford Ranch to visit his twin brother and lovely wife Laura, in retirement, after his productive, eight-year stint almost destroying civilization as we know it.

With health care.

Secret RNC FUNdraising PowerPoint Features Cool Cartoons, Contempt For Constituents

Ummm yeah, this is getting slightly awkward. I mean, it's one thing to accuse the GOP of employing their usual three-pronged strategy of lying, manipulating and deceiving their way into power. But, much like Obama's illegal takeover of America, without definitive proof like an actual Kenyan birth certificate, such suspicions are forced to remain just that: suspicions.

It is quite another, however, to actually find said playbook full of secret, evil GOP strategies that have been glaringly obvious to anyone with half a brain who's watched at least a half-second of any news coverage at any point in the last oh, half century or so. Minus the Cruella DeVille and Scooby Doo imagery, which in all fairness to the creative ingenuity of the GOP, had not been considered as effective political propaganda by average Americans. Until now, that is.

Yes, the holy grail of Republican fundraising has finally been unearthed--all 72 neat, colorful PowerPoint pages for your viewing pleasure, America. Hooray!

The Republican National Committee plans to raise money this election cycle through an aggressive campaign capitalizing on "fear" of President Barack Obama and a promise to "save the country from trending toward socialism."

The strategy was detailed in a confidential party fundraising presentation, obtained by POLITICO, which also outlines how "ego-driven" wealthy donors can be tapped with offers of access and "tchochkes."

Wow, OMG, did you know that you can entice wealthy businessmen and other elite, arugula eating wealthy types to cut you a handsome check for little more than promises of tacky trinkets and cheap souvenirs with a weird Eastern European name from the airport duty free shop?? It's true!

But that's not it folks!

The presentation explains the Republican fundraising in simple terms.

"What can you sell when you do not have the White House, the House, or the Senate...?" it asks.

The answer: "Save the country from trending toward Socialism!”

SOCIALISM, ARGGGHHHH!! Smithers, fetch me my checkbook at once! Don't dither! This Socialist beast Barry must be stopped before it's too late! ARGGGHHH!!

The presentation was delivered by RNC Finance Director Rob Bickhart to top donors and fundraisers at a party retreat in Boca Grande, Florida on February 18, a source at the gathering said.

In neat PowerPoint pages, it lifts the curtain on the often-cynical terms of political marketing, displaying an air of disdain for the party’s donors that is usually confined to the barroom conversations of political operatives.

In other words, the GOP would like to extend their deepest gratitude for your support, now get the hell out of their face before they call the police to come move it for you, got it, asshole?

Manipulating donors with crude caricatures and playing on their fears is hardly unique to Republicans or to the RNC – Democrats raised millions of George W. Bush in similar terms – but rarely is it practiced in such cartoonish terms.

One page, headed “The Evil Empire,” pictures Obama as the Joker from Batman, while House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leaders Harry Reid are depicted as Cruella DeVille and Scooby Doo, respectively.

Awww snap! The GOP ain't playing, yo! Straight up disrespectin' Cartoon Network style. For reals!

The most unusual section of the presentation is a set of six slides headed "RNC Marketing 101," which divides fundraising into two traditional categories, direct marketing and major donors, and lays out the details of how to approach each group.

The small donors who are the targets of direct marketing are described under the heading "Visceral Giving." Their motivations are listed as "fear," "Extreme negative feelings toward existing Administration," and "Reactionary."

Major donors, by contrast, are treated in a column headed "Calculated Giving." Their motivations include: "Peer to Peer Pressure," "access," and "Ego-Driven."

The slide also allows that donors may have more honorable motives, including "Patriotic Duty."

Hahaha, that's rich! People actually giving to the Republican Party out of the goodness of their heart?? HAHAHAHAHA, stop, I c-c-c-an't b-b-b-reathe!

Of course, such a terrible, manipulative fundraising document preying on people's baser instincts has absolutely NOTHING to do with big-pimpin' Michael Steele, who as Chairman of the Republican National Committee, has struggled to retain the "trust and allegiance of major donors," or the respect of well, basically anyone with a working brain, for that matter.

"The document was used for a fundraising presentation Chairman Steele did not attend, nor had he seen the document," RNC Communications Director Doug Heye said in an email. "Fundraising documents are often controversial..."

Much like off-the-hook, balls of Steele Chairmen.

"Obviously, the Chairman disagrees with the language and finds the use of such imagery to be unacceptable. It will not be used by the Republican National Committee – in any capacity – in the future," Heye said.

He promises. Cross his heart and hope to die promises! Like there will even be a future by the time Michael Steele gets done with 'em.

Besides, no need to get all worked up, the RNC was just "Putting the Fun Back in FUNdraising."

Like "Putting the Public back in RePUBLICan. Ha ha, psyche!

Everyone knows they're poor and gross.

Divine Intervention (and Plenty of Pork) Keeps Health Care Reform From Being FiliBUSTED!

Are you there God? It's me, Harry

Please God, let Joe Lieberman be struck down by some terribly contagious rash that then makes its way into the brain of that insufferable pro-life fetus whore Ben Nelson so we can finally look like a legislative body capable of getting something accomplished other than giving Glenn Beck one more reason to have a hysterical breakdown and weep like a baby on national TV. Because I don't think anyone, myself included, wants to explain to dungeon master Nancy Pelosi why exactly we can't crack the whip like a certain lady speaker who shall remain nameless but isn't afraid to break out the big guns to bring the boys in line.

What's that you say, God? You offered that intolerable Nebraskan fellow a hearty chunk of pork (even though we all know your thoughts on that filthy animal) for his beloved home state and now he suddenly loves the health care bill even more than he loves unborn fetuses??

Wow, you really are all-powerful! To think you got a curmudgeon like Ben Nelson to sign on as the key 60th vote to stop a Republican filibuster and all it took was a nice slab o' swine for the Cornhuskers and a few tweaks to the ol' abortion language?

What's that, Lord? It was all in a day's work? And you already had plenty of clout with most congressmen (save for that one freak atheist socialist Bernie Sanders), not just the whole "I hate health care and womens' reproductive rights unless there's something in it for me" wing of the party? All you did was wave some porky perks and tasty abortion restrictions and Ben Nelson was suddenly putty in your hands?

Is there no limit to your awesomeness?

"I know this is hard for some of my colleagues to accept and I appreciate their right to disagree," said Nelson of the many changes made at his behest. "But I would not have voted for this bill without these provisions."

Hahaha, no wonder they call you God and not Harry Reid!

Chairman Cao's GOP Revolution To Bring Affordable Coverage To America

Just when you thought any semblance of manhood the Democrats had was stripped away with the Republican's dignity and grip on reality, the House of Representatives grew a pair (or 220 pairs to be exact) and passed the Affordable Health Care for America Act to murder grandma and also bring quality, low-cost insurance to all Americans. Hooray!

After much partisan wrangling, Republican desperation, and teabagger Nazi rallies on Capitol Hill, the Democrats came through in the clutch, voting 220-215 in favor of President Obama's sweeping health care overhaul to help hardworking Americans instead of insurance companies for the first time in our nation's history.

Thanks to Obama's last minute Rudy-inspired pep talk urging House Democrats not to pussy out like they always do but instead stick to their guns and "finish the job."

“I reminded them that opportunities like this come around maybe once in a generation,” Obama said. “This is their moment, this is our moment, to live up to the trust that the American people have placed in us — even when it's hard; especially when it's hard. This is our moment to deliver.”

And deliver they did, thanks to S&M Master Nancy Pelosi's ability to crack the whip and bring those rascally Blue Dog Democrats into line, even luring Rep. Anh ''Joseph" Cao (R-LA), a coveted Republican, over to the dark side that is the Democratic supermajority.

President Barack Obama thanked members for their "courageous vote" and called upon that other chamber to follow the House's monumental decision to revolutionize the country's health care system:

"Now it falls on the United States Senate to take the baton and take this effort to the finish line for the American people."

Meanwhile, ever-determined obstructionist Republicans vowed to fight the bill and prevent Barry's murderous death panels from destroying America, with House Minority Leader John Boehner promising, "we’re going to do everything we can to make sure this doesn’t happen."

Unfortunately, this comes from the same man who boasted that a certain cute, young Asian man's upset win to replace indicted Democratic Rep. William Jefferson was a sign of the GOP's comeback and presented a path to future victories, declaring, "The Future Is Cao."

Which totally makes sense, if he meant the future would be some Vietcong traitor stabbing the Grand Old Party in the back by crossing over to support NObama's terrible government-run plot to socialize medicine and turn America into the Soviet Union.

Or maybe Boehner was just exaggerating but nobody knew it because the Einstein in charge of House Republicans pronounced "hyperbole" as "hyperbowl," which made everyone laugh at him for being dumb instead of being orange.

Which was sort of a nice change, but certainly not the kind Boehner was hoping for.

I mean what's a health care reform plan without a cure for idiocy? That's not change he can believe in!

Hammer Time With Harry Reid: Public Option, Can't Touch This!

That other Mormon politician not named Mittens, frail Senate majority leader Harry Reid is getting ready to unveil his health care proposal this afternoon, despite urging from the White House and Nancy Pelosi to kindly disappear in the Nevada desert and keep his dirty paws to himself or risk getting the sh*t slapped out of him by a certain Madame Speaker.

But Harry has never been one to listen to others, especially in the form of advice from the President or dismal approval numbers in every public opinion poll, which is why he will announce plans to push ahead with a public option vote--one that includes an opt-out provision for states--since he's spent the entire weekend begging members to pretty please support his measure cause he really doesn't want to get sent back to that Nevada hell he came from, a sad, broken man.

But the White House is nervous that this wisp of a Senate leader may imperil their chances of a bipartisan health care bill by alienating some Snow(e) woman from Maine and the one Republican whose idea of health care reform isn't limited to euthanizing Obama.

"In case the White House hasn't noticed, Republicans in Congress are engaged in what amounts to a sitdown strike. They don't like anything about Obama or his policies; they have no interest in seeing him succeed," Newsweek's Howard Fineman writes. "Despite the occasional protestation to the contrary, the GOP has no intention of helping him pass any legislation. Snowe may very well end up voting for whatever she and Democrats craft, but that won't make the outcome bipartisan any more than dancing shoes made Tom DeLay Fred Astaire...Worse, the pursuit of Snowe isn't uniting Democrats; it is dividing them."

Yes, but at least the Dems have secured their own Ginger Rogers to help dance their health care reform through Congress, even if it ends up injured, limping and breathing on a respirator. Anything's better than Tom DeLay in sparkly tights and a unitard.

Fineman continues that "some form of a public option is favored not only by most Democrats in Congress but by most of the American people. If Obama and the Democrats really want such a plan, they may as well try to get tough. For inspiration, the president might consider a Longfellow poem: "'In this world, a man must either be an anvil or a hammer.'"

Otherwise, we all get screwed.

Luckily, this 70-year-old convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is just the man for the job. They don't call him Harry "Mason" Reid for nothing.

When The General Speaks, Ladies Keep Your Ears Open And Mouths Shut!

"Tell Me What To Do Big, Strong Man!"

Republicans in general hate it when pesky estrogen-filled ladies have jobs, and as a result, tend to do whatever they can to put them in their rightful place in the kitchen or in the hospital to fulfill their God-given duty of popping out babies.

Sometimes these snide, misogynist-tinged beliefs come in the form of official National Republican Congressional Committee press releases bashing some dumb floozy named Nancy who had the ovaries big enough to question the sound advice of a man. And not just any man--the rough 'n tumble definition of raw masculinity and testosterone-fueled manhood by the name of Gen. Stanley McChrystal.

The enlightened statement from NRCC Communications Director and consummate gentleman Ken Spain, "General Pelosi has no problem sacrificing her own credibility as the Obama administration and liberals in Congress attempt to walk back a strategy they strongly advocated just months ago. Nancy Pelosi continues to make party politics a higher priority than our national security."

"Rather than listening to a four-star general’s assessments on Afghanistan, General Pelosi somehow believes she is better suited to craft our country’s military policy. If Nancy Pelosi’s failed economic policies are any indicator of the effect she may have on Afghanistan, taxpayers can only hope McChrystal is able to put her in her place."

Aww, hell yeah! Now take your tight little ass back where it belongs and make me some dinner. Did you not hear me or something?? I said MOVE WOMAN!

The Truth About Spies Is They Sure Can Lie!

Surprise! Turns out the CIA is very good at something other than finding weapons where they don't exist. They can lie with the best of them! Especially when it comes to "concealing significant actions" from the dumbos in Congress, which they've been doing with ease since 2001, according to a letter from CIA director Leon Panetta to seven Democratic lawmakers.

Which is only slightly awkward since Mr. Spy Chief Panetta just testified to Congress in May that "it is not our policy or practice to mislead Congress—that is against our laws and values." Oops.

Now this has Congress all in a tizzy. They are quite skilled at looking stupid and don't need the CIA's help in this matter, thank you very much.

Of course, because the letter in question doesn't describe the nature of the actions hidden and neither lawmakers nor the CIA would provide details, it is difficult to determine who knew what (no one/nothing?) and who lied to whom (everyone?).

What we do know is that this not the first time Congress and the CIA have come to blows over the spy agency's "information gathering" techniques, namely the Bush administration's favorite activity of drowning suspects with Evian bottles. Which it should be said is closer to a luxury bath than torture.

Rep. Rush Holt, a New Jersey Democrat who chairs a House subcommittee on intelligence, and was among the lawmakers who signed the letter, said the information that was hidden from Congress was not over a small issue, but "serious stuff."

"Our reason for writing the letter in the first place has to do really with the integrity of Congress and the balance of powers."

Well in that case, no worries. Congress never had much integrity and the balance of powers is simple: The White House calls the shots, the CIA carries it out, and everyone agrees to ignore Congress. It's only when that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi woman starts poking her nose around that the CIA is forced to lie.

Damn Nancy Pelosi, she always ruins everything!