President Obama Agrees To Reduce Smog Regulations Because Clean Air Is Socialist (And Also Because Republicans Told Him So!)

So the inane, demented, "Are We Congressman or Kindergarteners" playground scuffle time slot slug fest between the White House and John Boehner's office is now officially over, with Barack Obama giving up even faster than usual in some lame misguided attempt to placate his Grand Old enemies, who'd like nothing more than to ship him back to deepest darkest Africa, at the expense of alienating those who actually matter, like say, the unemployed, NFL-watching, Snuggie-wearing, Pringles-stuffing, American public.

Maybe if Aaron Rodgers was the one giving the jobs speech, things would've been different?? But since he was blessed with arm strength, not oratory skills, President of capitulation, Barack Obama, will no longer deliver his very important jobs speech during Wednesday night's network premiere "Are you dumber than a Teabagger?" GOP presidential debate, and instead speak the following evening, on the one night America forgets the fact that it's fat, broke, and jobless in order to watch grown men in neon tights bend, grunt, and toss an oblong ball as an excuse to jump on each other in sweaty piles during the NFL season opener.

The date Obama requested falls on the same day as one of the Republican presidential debates, this one the first to feature Texas Gov. Rick Perry. Instead, Obama will now be competing against the NFL season opener.
Obama and Boehner squared off Wednesday, not over the contents of the speech but the date on which Obama will give it.
The White House and the Speaker’s office were at odds over whether the president’s staff had talked to Boehner’s office about the date before announcing it to the press.
Both sides dug in on their arguments, with Boehner’s office saying that the White House had only given them a heads up shortly before announcing the date instead of talking with the speaker about the schedule.

Sorry, Obama, parenting presidenting is hard work!

The big question now becomes what other terrible Republican ideas (or death wishes, if you prefer) will Obama give in to next to spare America the pain and suffering of being once again drowned in John Boehner's unnaturally orange-colored booze tears?

Will President Obama finally grant the GOP their Christmas wishlist of giant white corporate castles built from the bones of immigrants and welfare recipients, surrounded by a moat of sludge-filled toxic ooze teeming with delicious, regulation-free, three-headed mutant fish?

Oooh, ooh, or maybe he'll order the EPA to withdraw a proposal for tighter smog regulations, so that America’s children might have less oxygen flowing to their brains on their way to school and everyone can feel the wondrous pleasure of choking on their own beautifully capitalist, albeit highly noxious fumes. Merry lung cancer, America!

Maybe that will help Obama win the GOP's love!? Probably not, though!

In a dramatic reversal, President Barack Obama on Friday scrubbed a clean-air regulation that aimed to reduce health-threatening smog, yielding to bitterly protesting businesses and congressional Republicans who complained the rule would kill jobs in America’s ailing economy.
Withdrawal of the proposed regulation marked the latest in a string of retreats by the president in the face of GOP opposition, and it drew quick criticism from liberals.
Environmentalists, a key Obama constituency, accused him of caving to corporate polluters, and the American Lung Association threatened to restart the legal action it had begun against rules proposed by President George W. Bush.

Yes, but the important question is, did he please a one John Boehner with all this wonderful human suffering?

A spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, had muted praise for the White House, saying that withdrawal of the smog regulation was a good first step toward removing obstacles that are blocking business growth.

**Cough, cough** How sweet, he's too choked up to speak!

But perhaps more than some of the other regulations under attack, the ground-level ozone standard is most closely associated with public health — something the president said he wouldn’t compromise in his regulatory review.

Ozone is the main ingredient in smog, which is a powerful lung irritant that occasionally forces cancellation of school recesses, and causes asthma and other lung ailments.

Oooh, sounds sexy!

Naturally, the greedy bastards brilliant business minds at the Chamber of Commerce reacted with typical glee. "This an enormous victory for America's job creators, the right decision by the President, and one that will help reduce the uncertainty facing businesses."

Less so for the uncertainty facing Mother Earth.

Meanwhile, environmental groups were unrestrained in their disdain toward the decision. "The Obama administration is caving to big polluters at the expense of protecting the air we breathe," League of Conservation Voters President Gene Karpinski said. "This is a huge win for corporate polluters and huge loss for public health."

What ever do you mean?

Corporations are people, too! Now they just happen to be people who can now legally go around poisoning children.

There's your job creating right there!

Oh, and as an added bonus, the debt ceiling will now be covered in lead-based paint and insulated with asbestos. Hooray for America!

Newt Gingrich Is Very Sorry For His Climate Change Ad With Nancy Pelosi; Vows To Spend The Next Decade Destroying The Environment To Make Up For It

Pop quiz. What do you do when you're a pathetic, pandering, flailing Republican presidential candidate (a man can dream, can't he?) who in a rare fit of rational thought and courage joined the dark side and appeared in a video with commie leader Nancy Pelosi to urge the country to address the evil liberal lie known as climate change?

Kill yourself? (Please say yes, please say yes!) Reinvent reality to reflect the Grand Old Party's shift from sort-of crazy-but-still-believe-in-science to full-out-Michele-Bachmann-esque-batshit-crazy-who-believe-that-the-unprecedented-levels-of-violent-storms-hurricanes-droughts-famines-tornadoes-wildfires-isn't-from-man's-increased-industrialization-but-because-God-hates-the-homos?

Blame it on the ol' reliable standby, everyone's favorite vast left wing conspirator, the elitist, arugula-eating, no-good, Jew run media?

Oooh, oooh, I've got it! Pull some God-awful, lame-as-your-ridiculous presidential-campaign excuse out of your ass, and hope the voting public are as dumb as you think they are?

Precisely!

Here's Newt's response when asked about the 2008 ad for Al Gore's "We Can Solve It" campaign during an appearance on WGIR radio in New Hampshire:

I was trying to make a point that we shouldn't be afraid to debate the left, even on the environment, but obviously it was misconstrued, and it's probably one of those things I wouldn't do again.

Well duh!

Back in 2008 when he filmed this little badboy, it was still cool for Republicans to talk candidly about climate change and the environment.

Before abolishing the Environment Protection Agency and destroying Earth became a central issue of his "campaign," or sitting on a couch with Nancy Pelosi talking about trees and shit became the political equivalent of, say, coming out of the closet at a press conference and banging everyone of the same gender in the room with the cameras rolling.

Besides, what the hell is an "environment" anyway? Some hippie-dippie, feel-good kumbaya hogwash liberals made up to feel good about themselves?

Truth is, Newt doesn't even believe in climate change. Hell, he doesn't even believe in climate!

He believes in million dollar credit lines at Tiffany's for his beautiful, charming, third (soon-to-be-ex) trophy wife Callista.

Unlike this dumb planet (or Newt's marriages), diamonds are forever.

WWJD? Probably Anything But Ask Rick Perry & His Crazy People Revival For Help!

Read My Lips. No New Texans!

It is no secret that God has been keeping all the rain to himself (mastery of the universe sure makes a deity thirsty!) and shooting fire and brimstone at the morality-crazed wingnuts in the American South like some wild, hormone-crazed, undersexed teenager furiously firing BB pellets at empty beer cans in the backyard.

This, of course, has left wingnuts a little confused. Particularly, Republican governor wingnuts, whose idea of showing leadership in times of crisis usually consists of getting down on both knees to suck corporate Koch for money humbly turn to the Lord Almighty Jesus Christ to solve all their awful Earthly woes.

Like current preacher-in-chief and possible commander-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry of Texas, who already successfully quenched the parched landscape and burning bushes of Texas by praying to the Big Man upstairs to make it rain, while simultaneously praying to the Big Bad gubmint to make it rain dolla dolla bills like Pacman Jones at a strip club.

I mean, what else should the elected leader of a state do to stem the raging wildfires and endless drought plaguing the state? Admit global warming is a real, serious threat that humans have the power to make better or worse? Start actually adhering to the Environmental Protection Agency's regulations of planet-warming emissions like some elitist science-loving pussy?

Aww, hell no! Not over his burnt, sweating hands! Why, it would be un-American! And certainly, un-Texas like!

C'mon, he's not an idiot! He'll do what any responsible individual facing unprecedented challenges from both nature and culture (gay people), and hold a modern-day tent revival called "The Response," inviting Christians to pray for solutions to all of America's problems. Like say black Godless Socialists in the White House...

Hooray!

Slated for August 6th (day of reckoning?), Rick Perry's historic all-day Pray-n-Fast will take place in Houston and be "a non-denominational, apolitical Christian prayer meeting" where "people of all ages, races, backgrounds and Christian denominations will be in attendance to proclaim Jesus as Savior and pray for America."

So come on down to Reliant Stadium, but make sure to leave your Muslim prayer rugs and Jewish stars at home because this Prayerpalooza is all inclusive, so long as you have Jesus Christ in your heart and a glock 19mm in your hand.

From The Response website:

"We believe that America is in a state of crisis. Not just politically, financially or morally, but because we are a nation that has not honored God in our successes or humbly called on Him in our struggles. According to the Bible, the answer to a nation in such crisis is to gather in humility and repentance and ask God to intervene."

Since the actual elected leaders apparently don't know how to solve shit.

Yes, it is high time to turn to a "greater power," and by greater power we don't mean the governor, just someone who has some authority or perhaps even a single good idea to help people out of catastrophe, which unless it involves shooting coyotes with laser-sighted pistols, is clearly not Rick Perry.

Hate to say it, but ever consider He's just not that into you??

Besides, severe drought and raging wildfires are one thing. But asking the good people of Texas to abstain from stuffing their mouths for one whole day?

That would take a miracle!

Delaware's O'Donnell Disaster Doesn't Believe In Masturbation Or Climate Change, Just The Power Of The Lord, Sarah Palin, To Make Her Senator

Rep. Mike Castle (R-DE) Stands Alone

Eh, now turns out Castle's actually not standing at all anymore, thanks to Sarah Palin endorsed doomed candidate and anti-masturbation crusader Christine O' Donnell, the born again, slightly less adorable, substantially more crazy hell version of that cute Circle of Friends/Scent of a Woman actor with the same namesake minus the "tine," who defeated (Teabagged?) longtime Delaware congressman, moderate Rep. Mike Castle to claim the Republican Senate nomination, as the Party's biggest mistake since that snow bunny Sarah first sleighed her way into our hearts and unleashed a Celestial Seasonings Tsunami upon the unsuspecting nation. Hooray!

Thank you, Abstinence Jeebus!

Because now with the woman who puts the "Christ" in "Christine" and uses the power of the Lord to conquer the lustful sin of masturbation, O'Donnell in, and Mike Castle out, the Democrats are poised to snag Joe Biden’s old Senate seat, previously considered a Republican lock right from the GOP's pure, masturbation-free hands!

But that's not all! No sir-ee!

Now that the moderate, intelligent, long-serving, mentally sane Republican Mike Castle has been unceremoniously tossed out of Delaware by pitchfork wielding patriots, in favor of a perennially-losing trainwreck with nice tits, no qualifications, and a laundry list of crazy-as-a-motherf**ker moments, there is not a single Republican candidate for Senate left who believes in human-caused climate change or supports action to limit global warming pollution. Yay!

I repeat: With the sole Republican believer in global warming, Mike Castle, now officially Teabagged out of the race, there is not a single candidate left on the GOP slate (vying for one of the 37 Senate seats in 2010) who actually believes in climate change as a real, powerful threat the United States must act to combat or face disastrous global consequences.

You betcha!!

Even previously sane, former Republican climate advocates Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) have decided to toss their brains, along with their souls, out of the Overton Window, and join the rest of the Grand Old Pretenders who know that global warming is nothing more than an elitist conspiracy between hippie dippie liberals and the entire international scientific community to keep Real Americans from drilling baby drilling America's once-pristine, water-based coastal shores into deliciously lucrative (albeit toxic) oil & dead wildlife-filled wastelands, like God intended.

I mean, if He cared about polar bears soooooo much, maybe He should have made 'em a little less choosy, and a little more suited to assembly line work in Indonesia. Hmmm, ever think about that, ya spoiled, ungrateful Arctic brats!

But inhabitable Earth or not, Christine O' Donnell is accepting her nomination and has all the best people in America to thank: the 9/12 nuts, Teabaggers, the Tea Party Express, Birthers, Oathers, Truthers, and the rest of Real, Normal Americans who know God created the world in six days, rested on the seventh, and reserved a special place in hell for those who touch their "sinful place" down there where babies are made.

Here's a quick review of Christine O’Donnell’s fantastic nuttiness, from Reason‘s Michael C. Moynihan:

"And the intellectual case against O’Donnell is overwhelming. A précis for those who have avoided the Delaware drama: O’Donnell lied about attending a Master’s degree program at Princeton University; claimed that her political enemies are creeping in the bushes outside her house; is opposed to the sinister habit of masturbation; is a supporter of the “ex-gay” movement, despite the inconvenient revelation that her former staffer Wade Richards “returned” to homosexuality and denounced those peddling “cures” for his sexuality; filed a $6 million lawsuit against the conservative group ISI for “gender discrimination”; was denounced by her former campaign manager as a “fraud” who uses campaign donations to pay rent and utility bills; and has implied that her Republican opponent is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that."(Except, of course, the vengeful wrath of God and eternal damnation come Judgment Day, but other than that, okie dokie!)

And that's only the tip of the iceberg, or shall I say, magic cone of frozen Jesus tears, for the lovely, chronically unemployed Sarah Palin II, Christine O' Donnell, lover of God, Country, Morality, and of course, like her mentor, "sexy librarian" glasses, local news anchor hair-helmet, and obligatory '80s style color blazer complete with shoulder pads.

She's so good, decent, and pure, she wouldn't even lie to protect Jews (wait, those are the horned ones right?) during World War II (“Anne Frank? Oh, you mean that girl that lives in the attic?”) because “deception” is immoral. Either way, it’s a moot question, O’Donnell says, because “God would provide a way to do the right thing,” save for His li'l 4-year Spring Break between the years 1941-1945, when y'all were on your own, and it was every mortal for himself, while El Savior got drunk, tan, and laid on a beach in Daytona.

And now that she’s an official Sarah Palin Teabagger clone, O’Donnell doesn’t “believe” in anything either 'cept bein' on the teevee, and wearing the official Mama Grizzly uniform, right down to the winkin' sexy 'stead of speakin' sensey!

At this point, voting GOP is like voluntarily throwing yourself, and your family, in front of a fast moving train. Then again, if people don't vote for the clinically insane Grand Ol' Frauds, Sharron Angle will be forced to use second amendment remedies, and her special ability to turn-incestuously raped-and-impregnated-teenage-girl lemons-into-refreshingly-zesty-lemon-meringue-pie to fix the situation. After all, it is God's plan, that the Republicans Teabaggers be in power.

While it's true that some Tea Party-backed Senate candidates — like Marco Rubio in Florida and Rand Paul in Kentucky — have more than a decent shot to actually win their races, sadly the same cannot be said for Ms. Jesus Christine O' Donnell.

As New York Times blogger and stats wizard Nate Silver points out:

"While Mr. Rubio has charisma (that winning wingnut smile!), and Mr. Paul has the advantage of running in a state in which President Obama (and also black people & civil rights) is very unpopular, neither of those advantages would hold for someone like Ms. O’Donnell, whose nomination would represent a clear setback for Republican chances of taking over the Senate. But few voters in either party seem in much mood for measuring their risk."

HAHA, risk, what risk? There's no risk when it's God's plan that the inmates take over the asylum!

Is Kermit The Froggy To Blame For Some Crazy, Armed, Asian Nutjob Attacking Discovery Channel?

I'm sure by now you've heard about that crazy guy James Lee who was maybe strapped with a bomb, but most definitely armed with a gun when he stormed the Discovery Channel(!?) headquarters in Maryland and took three people hostage before being shot and killed by police, who rescued the baffled, frightened Discovery employees, suddenly at the mercy of a deranged Ecoterrorist(?) with a weird, obsession-y death wish for the notorious, n'er do well network, Discovery!

Ummm, I mean they did give Sarah Palin her own reality show, so okay? But then it starts getting really weird...

Apparently, the dude's demented grievance against the Discovery channel began back in 2008, when he was arrested for disorderly conduct for oh, just your average, ho-hum incident involving "hiring homeless people" to join comprise his protest and hold signs, with cash bonuses awarded to the loudest, most protestin' son-of-gun in the bunch, while "throwing thousands of dollars into the air" all to show his seething hatred of a nature show network, whose apocalyptic programming includes Planet Earth, Man vs. Wild, kid and family friendly "Shark Week," and the Search For The Ultimate Cheeseburger, must be permanently silenced!

Or else!?!?

Well, I guess when your entire life's philosophy is based on a fictional book about a telepathic ape who teams with a 12-year-old girl to save the planet, called "My Ishmael," tossing crumpled Benjamins in the air, while homeless people run around chasing it, does seem like an effective way of getting your point across, like how "Money is trash and means nothing." And also that you're one crazy Asian motherf**ker!

So why exactly was James Lee locked in his own ongoing, bizarre, personal one-on-one war with the freakin' Discovery Channel of all places? Hello, I mean have you ever heard of MTV Networks? Snooki? Surely, that orange dwarf is as toxic to Mother Earth as the live, televised birth of sextuplets, no?

Apparently not to Mr. James Lee, who compiled a hilarious list of demands and beliefs that Discovery Channel "MUST broadcast to the world and do IMMEDIATELY"...or suffer the consequences!

"The Discovery Channel and it's affiliate channels MUST have daily television programs at prime time slots based on Daniel Quinn's "My Ishmael" pages 207-212 where solutions to save the planet would be done in the same way as the Industrial Revolution was done, by people building on each other's inventive ideas. Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution."

"Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth that follows that."

Whoa, whoa, wait!! Fox News attacked the Discovery Channel?? Oh, oops, my bad, saw "anchor baby filth," and made the obvious leap.

"Humans are the most destructive, filthy, pollutive creatures around and are wrecking what's left of the planet with their false morals and breeding culture."

Oh, what now a person can't 'Gym Tan Laundry' without some crazy, self hating, greenpeacy Asian eco-terrorist all up in their grills, screaming about how "The Situation" isn't some Jersey guido's rock hard abs, but rather the coming Armageddon if Discovery Channel doesn't shape up, stop airing mammalian procreation, and start killing anchor babies instead!

"For every human born, ACRES of wildlife forests must be turned into farmland in order to feed that new addition over the course of 60 to 100 YEARS of that new human's lifespan! THIS IS AT THE EXPENSE OF THE FOREST CREATURES!!!!"

OMG, not the elves, gnomes and other whimsical li'l creatures of the enchanted woods and also of fantasy children books by J.R.R Tolkien. Please, please not the unicorns and dragons, anything but them!

"Saving the Planet means...decreasing the Human population. That means stopping the human race from breeding any more disgusting human babies!"

Hear that Bristol?? For God's sake, wrap some rubber around Levi's man muscle for once! The Human race depends on it!

"Also, war must be halted. Not because it's morally wrong, but because of the catastrophic environmental damage modern weapons cause to other creatures."

Ooooh right, of course!

"FIND SOLUTIONS JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAYS! Humans are supposed to be inventive. INVENT, DAMN YOU!!"

GOT IT, you worthless, greenhouse-gas emitting, polar-bear killing, carbon-based balls of sentient smut? Come up with something to save dear Mother Earth from gross human infestation right this second, you lazy, good-for-nothin' freeloaders!

"The humans?" HAHAHAHA, "The planet does not need humans!"

"Nothing is more important" than saving animals: "The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels."

Excuse me, but I think you forgot Cows, Piggies, Goats, Mosquitoes, Hedgehogs, Whales, Roaches, Rabbits, Horsies, Zebras, and Doggies!

Oh, and also according to his MySpace page, when not harassing cable TV channels focusing on popular science, technology, and history to save Kermit the "Froggy," Lee "listens to 70's and some 80's music. I also like a lot of Spanish music," he adds.

Naturally, while this man was sticking his weapons (and possibly explosives) in innocent hostages’ faces, the lamestream media did what anyone in their right mind would do when some psycho criminal and/or terrorist storms a Cable TV headquarters to threaten employees at gun point: argue about whether this armed madman is really A DERANGED ANCHOR-BABY WINGNUT CONSERVATIVE or AN EVIL AL GORE ENVIRONMENTALIST LIBERAL??

According to the elitist arugula-eating Left:

Lee’s immigration screed bears a troubling resemblance to views and policies espoused by anti-immigrant groups such as NumbersUSA, the Center for Immigration Studies (CIS), the Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR), and others...

It’s not a coincidence that many of these are amongst the same groups that have always supported changing the 14th amendment to deny “anchor babies,” or the American-born children of undocumented immigrants, citizenship — long before the debate entered the political mainstream this summer.

Whoa, whoa, not so fast says the gun lovin', gay hatin', Jeebus worshipers on the Right:

Lee said he experienced an "awakening" when he watched former Vice President Al Gore’s environmental documentary "An Inconvenient Truth."

Apparently, the man is named James Lee, an environmental activist and longtime antagonist of the Discovery Channel over their lack "of real shows that actually work to save the planet."

So, who's really to blame for all this tragic-if-it-weren't-so-comical absurdity?

The Squirrels, of course!

In collusion with dirty anchor babies and probably that filthy Al Gore too!

Who Would Jesus Shoot? Other Than Bobby Jindal & The Entire Grand Obstructionist Party!

Exercise The (Oil) Demons, Bobby!

Yeeeeehaaaaww America! The moment you've been waiting, hoping, and praying for your entire life has finally arrived, and just in the nick of time! In case somethin' disastrous happens, like say, demonic blobs of British Petroleum ooze up from the shores and burst through your quiet, neighborhood church in Louisiana, threatening to devour every terrified congregant. Every last God-fearing one of 'em!

Not if fearless leader and howdy doody look-alike, Piyush "Bobby" Jindal has anything to say about it!

Thanks to the governor's sage wisdom and savvy leadership skills (especially in times of crisis!), residents in Louisiana may still be unable to swim along the coastlines or catch nary a shrimp or oyster to feed their starving families, but they will be able to carry concealed weapons into houses of worship just in case any evil, oil glob monsters slink their way from the shores of the Gulf to Sunday mass at St. Mary's Church.

That's right y'all! With one swift stroke of the pen, Governor Bobby Jindal's signed into law a new bill that some residents (those with brains) up in arms:

State Rep. Henry Burns’ bill would authorize persons who qualified to carry concealed weapons having passed the training and background checks to bring them to churches, mosques, synagogues or other houses of worship as part of a security force.

The pastor or head of the religious institution must announce verbally or in weekly newsletters or bulletins that there will be individuals armed on the property as members of he security force. Those chosen have to undergo eight hours of tactical training each year...

The bill also allows a house of worship to hire off-duty police or security guards to protect congregants.

Wooohooo!! Glad to see Jindal continuing to make wonderful executive decisions, and prove he's got his Grand Old Priorities straight, in these trying times when luxurious oil is creepin' baby creepin' all around Louisiana's once-pristine, water-based coast. On the bright side, most Southern dishes can now be made by headin' straight down to the Gulf, and flash-frying your ingredient(s) of choice right there on the beach. It's perfect for fried chicken, butterfly shrimp, even your favorite Cajun stir fry!

Now, you may remember ol' Bayou Bob as the adorable baby-faced token minority and rising Republican star whose refusal to accept big, bad government money for his desperately poor, disaster-ravaged state made him a fleeting darling of the right and anyone else who values ridiculous, self-serving (political) grandstanding and nonsensical, ineffectual ideas as the preferred method of handling a crisis.

Well Bobby doesn't miss a beat, because he knows the only thing standing between his precious Louisiana voters and giant, amorphous blobs of crude oil, fish bones, and bird feathers who prey on the pious, is strapping semi-automatics on every old, churchgoing patriot in the Parish. Unlike stupid federal funds, cleanup workers, or scientifically sound solutions to stopping the oil spill, Bobby relies on his own two-sen$e and unshakable belief that the good Lord would never let anything bad to happen to beautiful, Christian Louisiana!

This is very important, people! An absolute, undeniable, irrefutable fact, despite what those pesky Hurricane Katrina truthers may try to tell you!

"We don't have time for meetings, we don't have time for red tape," Jindal said. "Get in the game to win."

We don't even have time for smart ideas that actually work, only hysterical nonsense that make terrible policy but great soundbytes, because isn't that what is really important here?

Duh! As Herm Edwards knows, "You play to win the game!" And everyone knows the coastal devastation and complete destruction of an entire ecosystem is nothing more than an awesome, fun, relaxing game of poolside pinochle.

Which helps explain why bumbling Bobby J has been huffin' and helicopterin' all over the state, publicly bashing the Administration while secretly begging Barry for big, bad government money, all while coming up with his own awesome plans like packin' heat in pews, and untenable "rock jetty proposals" which the entire scientific community dismiss as ludicrous, dangerous, and potentially more problematic than the renegade oil itself. Oooh, even better!

"No is not a plan," the governor reiterated at a press conference.

It's our entire way of life!

Which helps explain why Jindal's approach to millions of gallons of crude (foreign, gasp!) oil lapping at the shores of Louisiana makes about as much sense as his approach to every other challenge in his path, like say encouraging citizens to come to Sunday services strapped with a Glock 22 beneath their (endangered) animal hide belt as a very reasonable, effective way to fight crime. Hooray!

Sort of like how Bobby's been shriekin' and hollerin' against evil Socialist government aid for his entire dweeby existence, slashing state oil spill funds by 50%, crafting oil spill contingency plan's featuring "pages of blank charts," worst-case scenario plans labeled "to be developed," and sealing the state's oil spill response records...for Freedom! That is until it's his broke-ass, backwards, Commie-hatin' state that needs help, and he's reduced to a sniveling hypocrite begging and crying for some of Uncle Sam's scrilla.

Sure, Jindal may have accepted accepting only 1,053 out of 6,000 available National Guards, but he's been doin' tons of helicopter rides and screaming, which is just as good as actual trained troops, no?

Besides, if all else fails, Bobby can always round up heat-packing parishioners from across the Bayou State, bring 'em down to the oil-drenched coasts, and have 'em shoot the bejesus right out of their now-flaming and bullet ridden waters.

Show that darn oil what happens when scary foreign substances try to wash up on Louisiana's shores. And unlike Arizona, they shoot first, ask questions later!

While it may be true that if you need a gun at church, you may be in the wrong place of worship, but certainly in the perfect place for a li'l beachfront firefight to make sure whatever wasn't already decimated by toxic ooze is rewarded with a warm welcome of lovely Louisiana lead instead.

And with the highest rate of gunfire death in the country (double the national rate!), you better believe these faithful, Jeebus-lovin', Bible-thumpin', heat-packin' Bayou boys 'n gals know how to aim, baby aim, even if BP doesn't.

Praise the Lord, pass the ammunition & let us say Amen.

Blowin' Hot Air: Georgia Rep. Paul Broun Warns Of Scary Energy Bill Killing Overheated, Old Southerners

Esteemed congressman and beloved right wing caricature of an actual thinking human being, Georgia Peach, Rep. Paul Broun is no stranger to making mindblowingly dumb, racist comments whenever he gets the chance to spout his big fat trap on some subject he knows nothing about (all?).

When opportunity knocks, you better answer it people!

For good ol' Paul, this latest "opportunity" to act like a deranged moron occurred on the congressional floor (where else?) while discussing important legislation that America desperately needs, but only he understands will lead to the death of millions of innocent old white people, namely in those parts of the country where they don't take very kindly to big, bad (black) governments tellin' whitey what to do.

Waves of death!

So say "bye bye" to Granny and Gramps, because whoever NObama's death panels missed will not escape the constant carnage filling the streets with elderly blood if the Democrats' terrible energy bill to reduce our dependence on foreign oil passes.

We're talkin' senior citizens croakin' left and right, fillin' the streets of Atlanta and Tallahassee with their ol' bones, if the Democrats' get their way and pass some energy bill forcing wrinkled retirees across the South to spontaneously combust or pay a few extra dollars to turn up their thermostat.

Being a doctor and all, Rep. Paul Broun knows a few things the average Joe or Jane simply cannot: like how health care reform will murder Bubbies and Zadies, and lead to roving gangs of DEMONcratic death panels scouring the countryside for shovel-ready old people to bury six feet under, and be done with the liver-spotted nuisances once and for all. Welcome to the new war of Yankee Aggression, mah friends!

BROUN: A lot of old people in Georgia and Florida and all out throughout the southeast and the southwest are dependent on air conditioning just to live.  And if their electricity bills go sky high, as the energy tax is gonna make it happen, if that ever passes there are a lot of people that can't afford to run their air conditioning any more and a lot of people are gonna have a hard time with hyperthermia is what I call it — what we call it in medicine as a medical doctor — which means that their body temperature's gonna go up, they're gonna have dehydration, and people are gonna have a lot of problems.  And it's gonna have a greater impact on our health care system and people are gonna die because of that.  But it's gonna kill jobs too.  

Ya, hear that, America?? Jobs murdered, grandparents murdered, basically constant death everywhere once the evil "clean energy" bill goes through congress, and Paul Broun's doomsday vision of Dem-crafted legislation killing old people in hot states comes to fruition. Like a sweet Georgia peach?

Take it from Dr. Broun—too proud to spell Brown the "normal" way, but ain't too proud to spout rambling, incoherent nonsense, the particulars of which involve sweet, wrinkled centenarians (think millions of McCains) croaking en masse across the American South because they might, just might have to turn up their thermostats a few degrees in the summer, to save some money, assuming they choose not to stop buying wool socks, cataract sunglasses, and bottles of delicious prune juice in order to, eh, I don't know, maybe save their lives?

Because, unlike those hoity-toity Democrats, Broun doesn't believe in the elitist hoax known as climate change, and as such, is the ideal candidate to give advice on urgent environment legislation to save Mother Earth from nosy, overbearing Democrats who refuse to replace her vast seas of oceanic life with vast seas of greasy death.

The lamebrains! Why do they hate America so much? Or better yet, why do they hate beautiful capitalism so much?

Good thing there's a Republican hero like Paul Broun to prevent all this Democratic death by legislation, what with the coming apocalypse where Southern geezers are killed from keeping their air conditioning at a balmy 72.

Wonder how the Northern Aggressors defeated the noble Confederacy back in 1865 before they had access to the mass (elderly) murderer known as air conditioning?

Perhaps they just suffocated them with cotton, provided (free of charge) by the nice, colored people in chains, tirelessly workin' the fields to prevent Union turncoats hellbent on manually blowing stale, non-automatic air and freedom all over the Alzheimer's-ravaged minds of slave-holding plantation owners and toothless Southern gents in Real America.

Or maybe Rep. Paul Broun and the rest of the non-brown Grand Old Party of ancient fossils and crumbling prehistoric relics should get used to the heat. After all, the last Ice Age ended 20,000 years ago.

Still no scientific explanation for Sarah Palin, though!

$arah Palin Knows BP's Oil Spill Can Only Be Blamed On..."Extreme Greenies" & Probably Those Stupid Marine Animals Too!

$arah Palin sure get's it. But do you, America? Do you get it??

Because when patron St. $arah was leading thousands of morons chanting her favoritest slogans, "drill, baby drill" and "drill here, drill now," what she really meant was that we should in no way, shape, or form, be doing exploratory offshore drilling, baby, exploratory offshore drilling because that's dangerous, not to mention, not very kind to Mother Earth!

How could we have been so blind, baby blind??

You see, $arah knows all about the complexities, risks, and dangers of power drilling into the ocean floor, huntin' for delicious petroleum, which is why she only discusses these weighty matters using very important tween social networking sites in 140 (ghostwritten) characters or less.

That way, her wildly irresponsible, brainless calls to destroy, baby destroy! protected wilderness reserves (you betcha!) or anywhere scores of marine animals congregate or fragile ecosystems exist, are safe from misinterpretation by the dumb masses who think her catchy slogans somehow imply that we should drill the bejesus out of any and everywhere for awesome, American oil!

This is soooooo not the case! As if our sweet $arah would ever utter meaningless, nuance-free phrases that allow her to take any stance she wants, in the extremely unlikely case that one of her brilliant ideas go terribly awry and who knows, maybe even spill, baby spill! gallons of savory oil up 'n down America's coast.

Not this maverick hockey mom lipstick wearin' pig and resident expert in every subject like keepin' an unwinkin' eye on Russia from her front porch, how to lose an ecosystem in 10 days or less, and of course, how to turn a national catastrophe into a personal opportunity (cha-ching!) for her favoritest $arah!

Well, thank heavens we have someone like $arah to sift through the dead dolphins, greasy ooze, and lamestream media LIES to bring us, the unknowing public, the Palin-rific truth about drillin' for oil in a fun, convenient Facebook post she didn't even write.

From her Idiotbook Facebook:

"This is a message to extreme 'environmentalists' who hypocritically protest domestic energy production offshore and onshore. There is nothing “clean and green” about your efforts. Look, here’s the deal: when you lock up our land, you outsource jobs and opportunity away from America and into foreign countries that are making us beholden to them. Some of these countries don’t like America. Some of these countries don’t care for planet earth like we do – as evidenced by our stricter environmental standards."

"With your nonsensical efforts to lock up safer drilling areas, all you’re doing is outsourcing energy development, which makes us more controlled by foreign countries, less safe, and less prosperous on a dirtier planet. Your hypocrisy is showing. You’re not preventing environmental hazards; you’re outsourcing them and making drilling more dangerous."

"Extreme deep water drilling is not the preferred choice to meet our country’s energy needs, but your protests and lawsuits and lies about onshore and shallow water drilling have locked up safer areas. It’s catching up with you. The tragic, unprecedented deep water Gulf oil spill proves it."

"We need permission to drill in safer areas, including the uninhabited arctic land of ANWR. It takes just a tiny footprint – equivalent to the size of LA’s airport – to tap America’s rich and plentiful oil and gas up north. ANWR’s drilling footprint is like a postage stamp on a football field."

In other words, like $arah's tiny pea-sized brain in her vast, thick skull.

"Radical environmentalists: you are damaging the planet with your efforts to lock up safer drilling areas. There’s nothing clean and green about your misguided, nonsensical radicalism, and Americans are on to you as we question your true motives." - Sarah Palin

You hear that hippie-dippie environmentalists?!? Miss Alaska is on to you and your dirty tricks to keep our national resources pristine, protected, and unspoiled by man's destructive tendencies, and our precious coastlines free from the remains of unsightly oil-drenched pelicans too dumb to avoid the massive oil Tsunami when trying to get back to their wetlands nesting site to feed their babies. Lol, stupid birds!

Watch out, 'cause $arah's on to you people! She knows you tree-hugging Greenpeace 'save the whales' types are the real ones to blame for this BP oil spillageddon, along with that Hitler-in-Chief Barack NObama, and his nonsense radicalism to cover every inch of the Earth with the sweet glistening sheen of millions of gallons of crude luxurious oil!

Why else would he agree to something as retarded (sorry, special needs) as drillin', baby drillin' like little Miss Wasilla is always tweetin' and 'bookin' 'bout, if he didn't have motives beyond keeping up with America's insatiable appetite for wonderful, energy-filled, safe-as-$arah's-email-password, methods of oil extraction?

Uh-oh, that $arah's sure on to something. In fact, I think she knows too much!

Guess Obama will just have to go ahead with that secret contingency plan, ya know, the real reason he started spillin', baby spillin' in the first place: to plug the f**king leak with her instead!

Kill two thousand birds with one stone, errr, make that gem.

BP Apologizes For Failing To "Top Kill" Anything, Except Mother Earth, Of Course!

Howdy America and Happy Memorial Day to all of you, even those who aren't in the military and have done nothing to honor our soldiers except shove brats and burgers in your big. fat mouths while competing to see who can guzzle the most beers and smash the empty cans against their foreheads in the least amount of time, for freedom!

On this patriotic holiday, I hope you enjoy some fun in the sun (or rain) on your fine, federal day off from whatever menial job you normally dread every Monday-Friday, when not honoring scores of dead soldiers who died for America during any of the various invasions, battles, or star-spangled incursions to stop Hitler or avenge an attempt on Daddy's life by some desert madman named Saddam, or whatever the case may be.

Either way, enjoy the long weekend, because it may be your last now that BP oil spillageddon continues to douse marine wildlife and precious resources in layers of delicious petroleum, and flirt with the people frolicking around the coastal shores from Florida to Mississippi in the hopes of enjoying actual cool, refreshing water, not thick, slimy crude oil during their fun Memorial day at the beach.

That's right folks! Turns out BP's desperate, last-ditch effort to "plug the damn hole" via the awesomely-named "top kill" didn't in fact "kill" anything except our collective hope, and faith that BP can do anything even remotely competently except dupe the dumb public out of oceans of money, and actual non-toxic, Dihydrogen monoxide seas of life.

Tsk, tsk, silly Americans!

So, now that BP's latest, greatest "best chance" to seal the worst oil leak in U.S. history—by shoving a billion tons of filth, garbage, and basic garage sale items inside the spewing wound—has been a spectacular failure (despite it's supposed 70 percent chance of success), what terrible, new, sexily-named plan will the brilliant oil-clogged minds at BP come up with next?

“After three full days of attempting top kill, we now believe it is time to move on to the next of our options,” BP Chief Operations Officer Doug Suttles explained, admitting that they "don't know for certain why it failed," which is always very encouraging to hear!

In any case, now that the hardworking, capable minds at BP have been unable to stem the flow geyser of oil gushing from a mile beneath the Gulf of Mexico and onto America's coastal shores, using state-of-the-art techniques like shooting as many golf balls and rubber tires as humanly possible into the hole, in the hopes that the powerful combo of discarded junk and a few Hail Marys will do the trick, it is time to move on to the next comical-if-it-weren't-so-tragic "solution" to stop the oil from spillin' baby spillin'!

The new "fix" probably won't "work" either—and it might increase the bleeding crude “by as much as 20%.” But on the bright side, it may just start working in August, so good times ahead?

Or at least if you believe a hoity-toity, elitist "news"paper like the LA Times:

"BP’s plan to sever a leaking pipe as part of an effort to cap its runaway well in the Gulf of Mexico could increase flow by as much as 20%, and the oil giant has no remedy to stop up the well until August, Obama administration and company officials said Sunday. "

But hey, at least BP feels bad (sort of):

BP’s CEO said Sunday he’s sorry for the largest oil spill in U.S. history and the "massive disruption" it has caused the Gulf Coast, telling reporters the company hopes to corral most of the crude offshore.

"The first thing to say is I’m sorry," Tony Hayward said when asked what he would tell people in Louisiana, where heavy oil has already reached parts of the state’s southeastern marshes.

"We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

You hear that, America?? He is incredibly sorry for all the death and destruction his wonderful company has caused, but even more for all the disruption you people have caused to his perfect, carefree life. He's a rich, global oil executive for crying out loud, not some common schlub who actually relies on the ocean for silly things like eating, drinking, and employment, instead of important BP things like padding his already flush, fattened wallet.

I mean what do you want him to do? Grab some gloves and a shovel and actually start cleaning the sh*t up himself?

Ha ha, now that's rich! Not as rich as he or any of the other caring, misunderstood BP executives responsible for devastating America's coastlines, but hey, close enough.

Hayward said the company is doing "everything we can to contain the oil offshore, but as far as I'm concerned, a cup of oil on the beach is a failure."

But an entire ocean of oil? Heckuva job, Tony!!

So, anyway, Happy Memorial Day...to the once thriving vast bodies of sustenance and life formerly known as the Ocean.

The last 3.8 billion years just wouldn't have been the same without you!

But, perhaps there's another 139 million square miles of precious, untapped open wilderness for you to destroy explore, where no one will mind a couple million barrels o' oil wreaking death and destruction every which way...

$arah Palin's backyard for instance?

There's Nothing Fishy 'Bout This Barracuda's Big Oil, Barack Obama Bed-Sharing Bombshell!

It's never easy to tell exactly what $arah Louise Palin is saying, what with her total narcissism, rudimentary understanding of the English language, and various side ventures trying to make even more moose piles of money for her favoritest person, $arah Louise Palin!

But apparently, America's #1 unemployed defender of the freedom to spill, baby spill! luxurious British Petroleum up 'n down America's coasts, may have hinted at a possible presidential run in 2012 to anchor Chris Wallace on her favoritest Fox News over the weekend. Err, or at least as much as can be inferred from the self-centered, incoherent ramblings of a wandering Arctic drifter whose vast policy experiences include keeping a perfectly-mascarad eye on Mother Russia from her front porch, while teaching her 25 children about the joys of skinning and gutting a freshly-killed moose, elk, or absent baby-daddy's pursuing porn careers.

"It really comes down to it's not being about me, or what I want, or what I predict is gonna happen. ... [I]f the voters of America are in the mood for a kind of unconventional, candid, honest public servant — it doesn't necessarily have to be me — but if that's what they're in the mood for, they're going to let that be known, and they're going to help really propel and push that candidate forward, and then that candidate, of course, will make the decision whether to run or not. Don't know if that's going to me, Chris. ... As I've always said, I'm not going to close any door that perhaps would be open."

Ya know, sorta like the health care that's needed to shore up the economy because it's all about job creation right? Exactly the type of coy, evasive, semi-coherent, run-on response you'd expect from the one-time runner-up Miss Alaska turned former half-term governor turned full-time facebooker turned professional money-maker, with nary a spare moment to brush up on her English speaking skills, what with her crazy, sardine-packed schedule padding her bank account serving the American people.

But even a selfless patriot like $arah knows that if she is what the American people want, then she is exactly what they will get, because in Sarah's mind(?), country always comes first. Or at least right after herself, her career, her bottom line, her perfect, off-limits family, her corporate sponsors, and even her totally justified avenging of any hapless schmuck dumb enough to cross the killer 'Cuda, at any point before, after, or during her meteoric rise to fame and fortune, courtesy of her sweet, senile Granddaddy, Johnny Mac.

Locked 'n loaded in her crosshairs is of course that terrible, arugula-eating community organizer from Kenya, Barack Hussein Obama, who smart $arah just knows is solely responsible for the delicious but devastating BP oil disaster, turning America's Southern coastlines into a kid-friendly, oil-infused bubble bath complete with rubber duckies that float right to the top!

Much like how daughter Bristol's drunk romp in the sack with Levi gave us a precious miracle of God named Tripp, Sarah is just positive that President NObama's slutty bedding of Big Oil is behind this newest precious miracle of fact-based reality versus some idiotic Alaskan woman's cute 'n catchy campaign slogans.

Well, $arah wants to know why the elitist lamestream media is letting our illegal, oil-drenched, half-black, Muslim president get away with such monumental failures of leadership, and ridiculous, short-sighted policies as "drill, baby drill!" Those are her hard-earned, nonsensical ideas, God damn it!

"If there's any connection there to President Obama taking so doggone long to get in there, to dive in there and grasp the complexity and the potential tragedy that we are seeing here in the Gulf of Mexico. Now if this was President Bush or if this were a Republican in office who hadn't received as much support even as President Obama has from BP and other oil companies, you know the mainstream media would be all over his case."

Oh hell yeah! Right on sister! Like when that swirling mass of God's wrath over homosexuality and abortions called Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and President George W. Bush single-handedly saved the Big Easy from becoming the next Lost City of Atlantis by heading down South, and saving the whole drowning city using nothing more than a pair of fins, snorkel, jumbo-sized straw, and his unparalleled ability to suck. Or something like that.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs fired back at Palin's suggestions that Obama was somehow "in bed with big oil" because of 2008 campaign contributions, dismissing the notion as being almost as asinine as the person whose perfectly-lipsticked mouth it came out of.

"Sarah Palin was involved in that election, but I don't think, apparently, was paying a whole lot of attention," Gibbs said. "I'm almost sure that the oil companies don't consider the Obama administration a huge ally. We proposed a windfall profits tax when they jacked their oil prices up to charge for gasoline."

"My suggestion to Sarah Palin would be to get slightly more informed as to what's going on in and around oil drilling in this country."

Eh, not sure that would jibe with her awesome, new plan to leave the precious ocean floor alone to avoid spillin', baby spillin', and instead start drillin', baby drillin' straight into the plentiful, massive, living, mobile oil storage units God blessed us with on his fifth day of Creation.

Why else would He fill the seas with all those dumb, blubber-filled whales?

For Moby-Dick?? Hahahahaha, more like so Moby-Ditz can keep her maverick lips lookin' their glossy, shiny, wet 'n wild, water-resistant, Beluga best, in any environment...man-made disasters, included!

You betcha!

$arah Palin Knows, Yes We Can, Spill Baby Spill!

National oil whore $arah Palin knows a thing or two about spillin' baby spillin' barrels of delicious petroleum up 'n down America's southern coast, because one time back in 1989, when Exxon Valdez was drillin' baby drillin' all over Prince William Sound, the exact same thing happened to her wonderful Alaska, for Pete's sake!

And like all this fish and other awesome Alaskan treasures got covered in layers of luxurious oil, and it was like a big, warm slippery bath, except everything came out dead, not clean, in the end.

So, like oops!

But Sarah totally knows how y'all feel, what with your once-thriving beaches and lush deltas being devastated by thick, toxic ooze, which in the dense, marshy wetlands of Louisiana and Florida, is like a zillion times worse than when these "things" happen off the frozen, jagged coast of Antarctica Alaska or whatever. And even then, everything is still screwed up for at least a generation!

Err, if you believe the elitist mainstream media that is, who sweet $arah knows are probably lying anyway:

The cord-grass marshes of south Louisiana are nurseries for baby shrimp, stalking grounds for blue crabs, and barriers that slow down waves before they bite off more of the mainland. On Friday, they were becoming defenseless sponges for sticky, dark oil. Scientists said the enormous slick had the potential to bring environmental ruin to this treasured coastline.

The oil is spilling out of the seafloor at 5,000 barrels a day -- the equivalent of 210,000 gallons -- maybe much more, from a well about 50 miles out in the Gulf of Mexico, and it could soon eclipse the volume of the infamous Exxon Valdez spill in 1989. That disaster spilled oil onto rocky Alaskan beaches, but it is at least possible to wash oil off a rock. In the Gulf, the oil is floating into wetlands that could hold on to its toxins for years.

One environmentalist said the scenario created "a potential mega-disaster."

"The magnitude and the potential for ecological damage is probably more great than anything we've ever seen in the Gulf of Mexico," said Nancy Rabalais, a scientist who heads the Louisiana Universities Marine Consortium, a research center in Cocodrie, La. "Once it hits the shoreline, it'll get into everything."

It's wacky I know!

If she wasn't so busy TweetBookin' 'bout why America needs to drill here, drill now! she might even head down to the nice folk there, staring out at the massive, drifting fire ball now the size of New Hampshire to help out.

Because legend has it that when Sarah was just wee, wide-eyed, newly-eloped Wasilla gal, and that whole Exxon Valdez thing happened, the Barracuda headed down with a hockey stick and bag o' cotton balls and cleaned the whole mess up herself, using the same hand she now writes notes on for her world-famous speeches.

"There's a lot at risk here," said Jane Lubchenco, who heads the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. She noted that 40 percent of the coastal wetlands in the continental United States are in Louisiana. "Ninety-seven percent of commercial fish and shellfish in the Gulf depend on estuaries and wetlands during their life cycle," she said.

"I'm going to be honest with you, it's got a lot of people very fearful," said Avery Bates of the Organized Seafood Association of Alabama in Bayou la Batre. He said the slick was expected to hit their stretch of coastline Sunday.

"Petroleum and seafood," Bates said, "do not go together."

Much like oil company wind-up dolls advocatin' reckless, dangerous policies they do not understand on social networking sites, in 140 characters or less.

But one thing Miss runner-up Alaska does know for sure, besides Jesus loves America bestest, is that "all industry efforts must be employed," even if she isn't.

Employed that is.

And sorry, makin' stuff up as the newest flake on Faux News doesn't count as an actual job.

Oil's Well That Ends Well...Or In Total Disaster! Just Ask Charlie Crist Or Charlie The Tuna

Drill, Baby, Drill! Drill, Baby, Drill! Drill, Baby, Drill!

Everyone knows environmental conservation and coastal drilling go together like, well, water and oil, especially the more than 200,000 gallons spilling into the Gulf of Mexico every day, after another one of those really safe, technologically sound British Petroleum-leased oil rigs exploded, killing 11 workers and spewing thousands of gallons of toxic, highly flammable crude oil out of a hole at the end of the 5,000-foot-long pipe into the now flaming, black ocean.

Wooohooo!

Thanks to the wizards over at BP, who as it turns out could have prevented the entire disaster altogether with a simple remote "off" switch, which of course the rig lacked, because that would make too much sense, take all the fun "risk" out of the whole thing, and who knows, maybe even cost a fraction of the millions of dollars already "wasted" on the extensive emergency cleanup effort in the wake of the disaster. Oh, well! Ya win some, ya lose some, right!?

The oil spill is now estimated to be five times as big as previously thought—likely bigger than the Exxon Valdez spill in 1989, but much to everyone's delight, the Coast Guard has already begun setting the oil on fire to control environmental damage.

Which is good news!

Because now the terrifying mass of crude oil the size of Rhode Island quickly barreling towards the Louisiana coastline has instead turned into a terrifying wall of flaming oil, the "color and texture of iced tea."

MMMmmmm, everyone loves iced tea! Especially when it tastes like delicious spilled oil and dead marine wildlife.

After admitting the spill was far more extensive than originally thought, BP's Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles said, "We'll take help from anyone."

Grab a shovel, Sarah!

Guess good things really do happen when you line your nation's unsightly bare coastline with beautiful offshore oil rigs. For freedom!

Speaking of post catastrophe cleanup efforts, the official "Scrubbing of Charlie Crist" from all pamphlets, websites, and any other Republican Party literature bearing this terrible traitor's likeness or name is underway in the Sunshine State.

"The governor is the elected head of our party, so just from a logistical standpoint, in terms of a lot of our printed materials, our website, some of the branding that we’ve done, and things like that, we really have to go back and reevaluate," said the source.

"We don’t want to presume what the governor’s announcement is going to be. All signs point to him leaving the party, so all the preparation we’ve done from a logistical standpoint is going back and seeing what changes need to be made, seeing as the sitting governor will no longer be a member of our party after today."

But with Charlie Crist saying bye bye to the GOP to go rogue as an Independent, where ever will Republicans find another closeted queer who votes against gay rights, while secretly banging 'em on the side, to carry the torch burning cross for the Grand Old Party in the Grand Old People State of Florida?

What's that?? Tea Party fave Marco Rubio, you say??

Hmmm...not bad. I mean he's got all the wingnut qualifications necessary to be the next great Jeb Bush-like savior to lead Florida to complete collapse. Yes, all in all, a decent option, that is, if Arizona's crazy immigrant-huntin' cops don't come down from the soon-to-be-all-white desert and ship him back to that other Cuba, 295.4 miles to the south of Miami, first.

Oh wait, ha ha, never mind. The ocean's on fire anyway! America wins again!

Long live the GOP!

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Yes We Can, Drill, Baby Drill!

Per usual, President Barack Obama is doing all he possibly can to extend an Olive Branch to all those (Teabaggers, Republicans, Racists, etc) who'd like nothing more than to give him the ol' heave ho back to the sweltering Kenyan wilderness he came from, by finally letting the nice oil companies drill, baby drill their fat faces full of delicious petroleum, up and down the coast, as much as their little hearts desire, until every American can bathe in its luxurious golden elixir and everyone lives forever and no one dies and all is well in the world. The End.

Oh, wait. You mean world peace, and spontaneous arm-linking while swaying in unison and chanting Kumbaya in perfect harmony isn't what happens when a Democrat attempts to placate his enemies by offering some dumb policy nobody likes except the dumb party he is dumbly trying to reason with? Again.

Silly me. Surely, there must be some logical explanation why President Obama decided to announce his special new plan "to open vast expanses of water along the Atlantic coastline, the eastern Gulf of Mexico and the north coast of Alaska to oil and natural gas drilling, much of it for the first time."

"The proposal -- a compromise that will please oil companies and domestic drilling advocates but anger some residents of affected states and many environmental organizations -- would end a longstanding moratorium on oil exploration along the East Coast from the northern tip of Delaware to the central coast of Florida, covering 167 million acres of ocean."

Oh, I get it now! Obama has decided to open up drilling platforms off specific sections of America's Coastlines so that states that voted for the trainwreck McCain-Palin ticket get to enjoy disastrous oil spills, marine devastation, coastal erosion, and overall environmental catastrophe because what else is there to do with pristine beaches and a veritable treasure trove of untapped open ocean?

Swim?? Ha ha, yeah, like people who dwell in Red State, Real America do things like put on bathing suits or stroll on the beach, or heavens forbid, actually swim in the damn thing or anything. Ugh, as if. What do they look like, queer potheads in California or somethin'?

Naturally, environmentalists, hippie-dippie Greenpeace save the dolphins/whales/polar bear types, and those with functioning brains are up in arms (not the Sarah Palin crosshair kind!) over Obama's new offshore drilling expansion, which will neither have a discernible impact on America's fuel supply nor our long-term energy needs, but maybe, just maybe will be just enough of a concession to Democratic centrists and Republican anythings to help Congress move forward on comprehensive climate legislation and begin the transition to cleaner fuels.

Since Republicans are always shrieking about the need to "drill baby, drill!" as their total solution to all things climate change-y, certainly Obama's new "drill where it's responsible" plan gets them more excited than Sarah Palin sportin' a black leather jacket and talkin' all sexy 'bout drillin' for black gold to a bunch of people dumber than her, who've never even seen the ocean, let alone Mother Russia from their front porch.

Right??

Ehhh, depends on whether House minority leader John Boehner was having his usual nic fit and electric beach cravings when delivering his fresh response about why Obama hates America now.

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) dismissed the president's plan as not going far enough in opening up U.S. waters for exploration.

Obama's decision "continues to defy the will of the American people," Boehner said in a statement, pointing to the president’s decision to open Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico waters, while leaving Pacific and many Alaskan waters largely closed to exploration.

"It's long past time for this Administration to stop delaying American energy production off all our shores and start listening to the American people who want an "all of the above" strategy to produce more American energy and create more jobs. Republicans are listening to the American people and have proposed a better solution–the American Energy Act–which will lower gas prices, increase American energy production, promote new clean and renewable sources of energy, and encourage greater efficiency and conservation."

The Republicans' plan also happens to cure cancer, eradicate world hunger, close the gap between rich and poor, educate the youth, increase literacy, end war, house the homeless, solve the riddle of life, and invent an actual color to describe the weird orange glow that is John Boehner's face.

Now if they only could figure out a way to get rid of that God-forsaken black menace always making them look so bad...

No, not Michael Steele, silly! He's tied up at the moment, anyway.

The one who actually has the power (and brains) to ram legislation down America's throats, Barack Hussein Obama, y'all!

Is The 5th Time A Charm For Joe Lieberman's Climate Bill To Destroy Earth?

America's least popular Democrat-turned-Independent-turned pariah Sen. Joe Lieberman has managed to do the one thing he does best: piss everyone off!

So it is with this dual gift of petulance and spite that Joe "Wah Wah" Lieberman forges ahead in his quest to revive the already five-time-defeated House climate change bill in the less conservative Senate by increasing funding for coal and nuclear power plants, a move certain to appeal to those who believe "climate change" is really just a code-word for raping Mother Earth for all she's worth. Ca-chiiing!

People like go-it-alone Joe and his patriotic crew of Republican "friends" and legislators who quite frankly won't be voting for any climate change anything, but get a kick out of watching ol' Joe scramble around angering Democrats and other liberal lame-o's who want a climate change bill because of its alleged ability to actually change the climate, as in the opposite of polluting the hell out of it.

While Joe's special climate change bill does include plenty of sweet perks to coal companies and the nuclear power industry (which also makes Republicans HOT!), its chances of passing in Congress appear bleak, since it is despised by most Dems and everyone else who would like to see the planet survive beyond their senate term.

“I don’t think we’re going to [pass a bill] without bipartisan support,” Lieberman whined. “And without a nuclear title that’s stronger than in the House climate change legislation, we’re not going to be able to get enough votes to pass climate change.”

Or at least not the kind that suffocates any and all oxygen-breathing organisms in its reach with a noxious blend of fossil fuels, greenhouse gas, a dash of Republican insincerity and greed, and a nice, hearty dose of the one-of-a-kind stupidity that is Mr. "Independent" Joe Lieberman.

Al Gore Spars With Newt Gingrich, GOP Over Earth's Right To Exist

Former vice president turned environmental warrior Al Gore is on a mission to make up for blowing the 2000 elections by single-handedly saving the planet from certain smog-filled doom.

Not content just sitting at home, polishing his Nobel Prize medal and Academy Award statuette with Tipper, Al took his climate change busting butt straight to Congress, where his dire warnings could get lost in a muddled haze of partisan squawking and Republican tomfoolery.

Gore, who called the bill "one of the most important pieces of legislation ever introduced," urged Congress to rise to the challenge and meet the climate crisis head-on.

"I wish I could find the words to get past the partisan divide that both sides have contributed to...It shouldn't be partisan. It should be something we do together in our national interest."
Not if former House Speaker and frontrunner for worst-named named legislator, Newt Gingrich, R-Ga., has anything to say about it.

Apparently, Newton "Newt" Leroy Gingrich has decided to come out of retirement after his brave Clinton-bashing years opposing any and all legislative policies and executive blow jobs as Republican Speaker of the House.

But he still remembers all the old tricks.

Like how the Democratic proposal to reduce greenhouse gases is a ploy designed to hurt the American people.

"This bill is an energy tax. An energy tax punishes senior citizens, it punishes rural Americans, if you use electricity it punishes you. This bill will increase your cost of living and may kill your job."

But hey, at least your grandchildren will still have a planet.

Battle Of The Bulge: Are Fatties To Blame For Global Warming?

Hey fatties, guess what?? It's YOUR fault the earth is getting hotter, rain forests are disappearing, icecaps are melting, and all the polar bears are dying.

That's right. Thanks to a recent scientific study, we now know that a person's heart isn't the only thing to suffer from stuffing your face with endless wheelbarrow sized portions of Culver's world-famous butter burgers and custard shakes. Mother Earth weeps too.

That's because each overweight person, hereby referred to by its scientific name, "fatty," emits a ton more of climate-warming carbon dioxide per year than their average weight counterparts, or as they're more commonly known, "skinny." That means an extra billion tons of CO2 is created every year!

It doesn't take a scientist (well, apparently it does) to deduce that the more food you shovel down your throat, the more food needs to be produced, and thus the more CO2 gas emissions that are released into the atmosphere.

Not only is “moving about in a heavy body like driving in a gas guzzler,” but "fatties" are also more likely to travel by car--another major environmental no-no--because well, "it is much easier to get in your car and pick up a pint of milk than to take a walk.”

That's true. It is also much easier to go to the local supermarket than to milk the cow yourself, but hey if you don't mind murdering the planet, that's your prerogative.

Speaking of raping and pillaging the land, Congress is facing its own battle of the bulge this year, and we don't mean the federal deficit.

Between Wall Street woes, a recession and intense legislative fights over whose hand Barry might shake today, members of Congress say they’re facing one of the most stressful, pressure-filled sessions in recent memory--and have the bulging waistlines to prove it.

Endless lunchtime meetings, jam-packed schedules, heavy travel, late-night hours, and the sinfully orgasmic pies in the Senate cafeteria have many lawmakers tipping the scales and polluting our beautiful blue planet with their plump, pork-filled toxins.

Like we needed any more proof that Congress is hazardous to our health.

I'll Give It To You Frank: Put Down The Fork, Barney!

Don't Worry Planet, Mr. Adorable To The Rescue!

The President At His Finest

After a very long day of flubbed inauguration oaths, never-ending parades, and boring balls where he and Michelle were forced to perform endless slow dances for the adoring crowds, Barack Obama finally got to take a load off.

Yes, even when undoing his tie, exhausted and drained, America's new president still manages to be the most adorable man we've ever elected into office.

He's even cuter when he spends each day of his first week in office gutting another one of Bush's god-awful policies to destroy America.

Today, Obama will single-handedly save the environment, before moving on to fix the economy, end the war, and bring peace to all of humanity, likely by the end of the week.

So congratulations Mr. President!

But really you can stop now. Seriously, dude, you had us at hello.