Delaware's O'Donnell Disaster Doesn't Believe In Masturbation Or Climate Change, Just The Power Of The Lord, Sarah Palin, To Make Her Senator

Rep. Mike Castle (R-DE) Stands Alone

Eh, now turns out Castle's actually not standing at all anymore, thanks to Sarah Palin endorsed doomed candidate and anti-masturbation crusader Christine O' Donnell, the born again, slightly less adorable, substantially more crazy hell version of that cute Circle of Friends/Scent of a Woman actor with the same namesake minus the "tine," who defeated (Teabagged?) longtime Delaware congressman, moderate Rep. Mike Castle to claim the Republican Senate nomination, as the Party's biggest mistake since that snow bunny Sarah first sleighed her way into our hearts and unleashed a Celestial Seasonings Tsunami upon the unsuspecting nation. Hooray!

Thank you, Abstinence Jeebus!

Because now with the woman who puts the "Christ" in "Christine" and uses the power of the Lord to conquer the lustful sin of masturbation, O'Donnell in, and Mike Castle out, the Democrats are poised to snag Joe Biden’s old Senate seat, previously considered a Republican lock right from the GOP's pure, masturbation-free hands!

But that's not all! No sir-ee!

Now that the moderate, intelligent, long-serving, mentally sane Republican Mike Castle has been unceremoniously tossed out of Delaware by pitchfork wielding patriots, in favor of a perennially-losing trainwreck with nice tits, no qualifications, and a laundry list of crazy-as-a-motherf**ker moments, there is not a single Republican candidate for Senate left who believes in human-caused climate change or supports action to limit global warming pollution. Yay!

I repeat: With the sole Republican believer in global warming, Mike Castle, now officially Teabagged out of the race, there is not a single candidate left on the GOP slate (vying for one of the 37 Senate seats in 2010) who actually believes in climate change as a real, powerful threat the United States must act to combat or face disastrous global consequences.

You betcha!!

Even previously sane, former Republican climate advocates Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) have decided to toss their brains, along with their souls, out of the Overton Window, and join the rest of the Grand Old Pretenders who know that global warming is nothing more than an elitist conspiracy between hippie dippie liberals and the entire international scientific community to keep Real Americans from drilling baby drilling America's once-pristine, water-based coastal shores into deliciously lucrative (albeit toxic) oil & dead wildlife-filled wastelands, like God intended.

I mean, if He cared about polar bears soooooo much, maybe He should have made 'em a little less choosy, and a little more suited to assembly line work in Indonesia. Hmmm, ever think about that, ya spoiled, ungrateful Arctic brats!

But inhabitable Earth or not, Christine O' Donnell is accepting her nomination and has all the best people in America to thank: the 9/12 nuts, Teabaggers, the Tea Party Express, Birthers, Oathers, Truthers, and the rest of Real, Normal Americans who know God created the world in six days, rested on the seventh, and reserved a special place in hell for those who touch their "sinful place" down there where babies are made.

Here's a quick review of Christine O’Donnell’s fantastic nuttiness, from Reason‘s Michael C. Moynihan:

"And the intellectual case against O’Donnell is overwhelming. A précis for those who have avoided the Delaware drama: O’Donnell lied about attending a Master’s degree program at Princeton University; claimed that her political enemies are creeping in the bushes outside her house; is opposed to the sinister habit of masturbation; is a supporter of the “ex-gay” movement, despite the inconvenient revelation that her former staffer Wade Richards “returned” to homosexuality and denounced those peddling “cures” for his sexuality; filed a $6 million lawsuit against the conservative group ISI for “gender discrimination”; was denounced by her former campaign manager as a “fraud” who uses campaign donations to pay rent and utility bills; and has implied that her Republican opponent is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that."(Except, of course, the vengeful wrath of God and eternal damnation come Judgment Day, but other than that, okie dokie!)

And that's only the tip of the iceberg, or shall I say, magic cone of frozen Jesus tears, for the lovely, chronically unemployed Sarah Palin II, Christine O' Donnell, lover of God, Country, Morality, and of course, like her mentor, "sexy librarian" glasses, local news anchor hair-helmet, and obligatory '80s style color blazer complete with shoulder pads.

She's so good, decent, and pure, she wouldn't even lie to protect Jews (wait, those are the horned ones right?) during World War II (“Anne Frank? Oh, you mean that girl that lives in the attic?”) because “deception” is immoral. Either way, it’s a moot question, O’Donnell says, because “God would provide a way to do the right thing,” save for His li'l 4-year Spring Break between the years 1941-1945, when y'all were on your own, and it was every mortal for himself, while El Savior got drunk, tan, and laid on a beach in Daytona.

And now that she’s an official Sarah Palin Teabagger clone, O’Donnell doesn’t “believe” in anything either 'cept bein' on the teevee, and wearing the official Mama Grizzly uniform, right down to the winkin' sexy 'stead of speakin' sensey!

At this point, voting GOP is like voluntarily throwing yourself, and your family, in front of a fast moving train. Then again, if people don't vote for the clinically insane Grand Ol' Frauds, Sharron Angle will be forced to use second amendment remedies, and her special ability to turn-incestuously raped-and-impregnated-teenage-girl lemons-into-refreshingly-zesty-lemon-meringue-pie to fix the situation. After all, it is God's plan, that the Republicans Teabaggers be in power.

While it's true that some Tea Party-backed Senate candidates — like Marco Rubio in Florida and Rand Paul in Kentucky — have more than a decent shot to actually win their races, sadly the same cannot be said for Ms. Jesus Christine O' Donnell.

As New York Times blogger and stats wizard Nate Silver points out:

"While Mr. Rubio has charisma (that winning wingnut smile!), and Mr. Paul has the advantage of running in a state in which President Obama (and also black people & civil rights) is very unpopular, neither of those advantages would hold for someone like Ms. O’Donnell, whose nomination would represent a clear setback for Republican chances of taking over the Senate. But few voters in either party seem in much mood for measuring their risk."

HAHA, risk, what risk? There's no risk when it's God's plan that the inmates take over the asylum!

Sharron Angle's PAC Questionnaire Proves Republicans Aren't The Party Of NO, They're The Party Of LuNOtic!

Check 'Yes' For Crazy! 

You may remember Sharron Angle, the crazy Teabag lady from Nevada hoping to unseat meek ol' Mormon Harry Reid as Senate Majority Leader with her wonderful, forward-thinking ideas like how to make deliciously refreshing lemonade out of getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your father (eat one of her famous zesty lemon squares and call her in the morning?), and dismantling the terrible, no-good government she hates so much, she's dropped millions of dollars desperately trying to be a part of. Ya know, for freedom 'n stuff! What a gal!

Well lucky for us, the arugula-eating, Jew-run media elites over at the AP have dug up a questionnaire filled out by Sharron Angle from the Government Is Not God PAC, with 36 yes-or-no answers, so thankfully Sharron was able to fill it out without hitch. Unlike incestuous rape and lemonade, short answers and Sharron do not mix!

The PAC, Government Is Not God, which not surprisingly has endorsed Angle's campaign, may sound like it opposes legislating based on religion and/or religious beliefs, as the name would imply, but apparently they're as brilliant as their lovely candidate because their mission "to seek the election to Congress of men and women who hold conservative beliefs on both moral and economic issues" suggests that "God Should Be Government" would be a better, and certainly more appropriate name, for such an organization.

And much like their prized candidate, the Government Is Not God PAC  have some, umm, shall we say, "interesting" beliefs about social issues, especially those involving the gays (gross!) and unborn fetuses (great!), as can be seen by Sharron answering "yes" to every single one of their questions.

Social Issues-Abortion:

"2. Do you believe that an unborn child is a person under the 14th amendment?" She most certainly does! Every last one of 'em is a precious li'l miracle of God just waiting to be sprung from the oppressive womb and onto the Earth to fulfill their divine destiny ending the tyranny of government, while safeguarding the indescribable beauty of free-market capitalism.

"3. Do you believe that abortion is the taking of a human life?" Yes, 100% without a doubt...unless of course that fetus happens to be a dirty Mexican fetus! Then feel free to do as you will. She doesn't much care either way, so long as it lands on their side of the fence.

"8. If a pregnant woman is murdered, should the perpetrator face an additional count of for the unborn child?" Yes, definitely! So long as that child is perfectly Christian and pure snow-white with no trace of Black, Hispanic, or icky Jew in their undeveloped system that is.

Social Issues-Other:

"10. Do you oppose the recognition of 'same-sex marriages'?" HAHAHAHA! Is the Pope Catholic? Is the sky blue? Is grass green? Do you even need to ask? Ugh, **Shudder!**

"11. Do you oppose adding 'sexual orientation' as a protected minority under existing civil rights laws?" Duh! As if the eternally-damned sodomites deserve special protections. Puh-lease! Those are reserved for special respectable kinds of people who deserve them like White Anglo-Saxon Protestants and fiscal conservatives.

"12. Do you oppose laws allowing homosexuals to adopt children?" Yes, of course she does! Screw you dumb orphans! Either find yourself a nice, loving STRAIGHT (preferably White and Christian) family who will love you, or wake up and smell the coffee: clearly you are simply too ugly and too stupid for any parents to ever love your abandoned li'l behind. So, sorry? Sure, it may sound harsh, but trust me, you'll thank her later.

"13. Do you favor laws that restrict the production, sale, and distribution of pornography?" You better believe it! Because any sex not done for the sole purpose of procreating is evil and an affront to God and should never, ever be recorded or documented in any way, under any circumstances, let alone so much as participated in like wild beasts with no moral compass or restraints to speak of.

"16. Do you support the right of students and teachers to publicly acknowledge the Creator?" Yes she does! But since which "Creator" is never specified, we can only assume she means all creators, so ummm, praise Xenu, God of Tom Cruise!

Education:

"18. Should federal involvement in public education be eliminated, including eliminating the U.S. Department of Education?" Of course she does! If your one-man-one woman-only parental units (as the good Lord intended) cannot afford to send you to a proper Jesus school like St. Mary of the Angels or Immaculate Conception, then screw you you and your child's inquisitive li'l mind! You don't even deserve to have an education, for Pete's Sake! The free ride is over!

"22. Do you oppose federally funded school-based health clinics?" Yes she most certainly does! Either find a way to stay germ-free and healthy (perhaps say a prayer or two?) or deal with the consequences. So have fun dying, kiddies! She's never much cared for those naive mini-adults anyway.

Politics:

"35A. Would you refuse PAC money from those who are fundamentally opposed to your views on social issues?" Would you sucker-punch an unsuspecting passerby? Kick an injured man when he's down? Hurl money and insults at a wheelchair-bound Parkinson's sufferer? Steal candy from the mouth of a babe? YES, YES, YES, YES, and YES!!!

"35B. In reference to question 35A, Intel Corporation supports 'equal rights for gays' and offers benefits to 'partners' of homosexual employees. Would you refuse funds from this corporate PAC?" Of course she would! C'mon taking money from the dirty (who-knows-where-they've-been!) hands of actual homosexuals?? She'd sooner flog herself bloody, get nailed to a cross on a sweltering summer day in the middle of the Vegas Strip and wait for the vultures to have their way with her then ever accept the sullied-currency of Godless Sodomites and Sapphos. Ewwwwwww, perish the thought!

Asked about Angle's answers, her spokesman Jarrod Agen said, "this nation has a long history of clergy speaking their conscience, whether you're talking about the Founding Fathers or Martin Luther King. As a strong believer in the First Amendment, Sharron Angle believes it is improper for the federal government to use the threat of revoking tax exempt status against churches and pastors."

"Sharron Angle believes that ideally, children should have a relationship with both a mother and a father and our adoption policy should reflect that."

"As a grandmother of ten and a former teacher, nobody is more concerned about our kids' education than Sharron Angle. As Sharron has said many times, education is best handled at the local level, not by bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. delivering unfunded mandates like 'No Child Left Behind,'" Jarrod Agen added.

Wow, thanks for totally clearing that up, Mr. Spokesman with a similarly misspelled name as Sharron Angle. We feel sooooooo much better (totally comfortable, in fact!) with her awesome, sensible beliefs now that you've explained them so well.

Truth is, we don't need another weirdo with an unnecessarily added consonant in their names to show us that Sharron Angle just answered "yes" to every question (probably without even reading them first) because she wanted this crazy PAC's Jesus-blessed money.

We're just happy to know that Sharron Angle is bringing to Washington the kind of savvy leadership of a troubled kid who randomly marks "C" for every answer on his Scantron sheet.

Wooohooo! America is back where it should be my friends: metaphorically shooting spitballs at the teacher (big, bad gubmint) from the back of a Special Ed classroom (Senate) in the hopes that their behavioral problem plagued, unstable, ADHD-suffering, glue-eating resident dunce (Sharron Angle) is elected as class Preznent!

And you thought Republicans were the party of "No!" when they're really the party of "Yes!" but only if the question is absolutely the most batsh*t crazy, nonsensical, insane thing your ears have ever heard!

Sharron Angle Knows When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Lemonade & Thank Jesus For Giving You Anything, Even If It's Spoiled Rinds Or Li'l Miracles Of Incestuous Rape

Ooooh, another adorable wingnut surprise from the parched West, dem parts where they don't take too kindly to strangers, like dirty Mexicans in their backyards or Kenyans in their White House.

But, who is this new delicious desert-fried bite of unbridled crazy, and where in God's scorched desert landscape did she come from?

Why, it's Sharron Angle, straight from the bright, big city lights of America's favoritest place to bet their life savings and booze away their sorrows, the sparkling state where it's cool to hit the strip scouring for strippers to bang, Nevada baby!

But, other than a certifiable crazy person, just who is this awesome new darling of human bags o' caffeinated herbs 'n spice, who beat out that (equally insane) Chicken Lady to win the Nevada Republican primary and the one-of-a-kind opportunity to face none other than Dear Leader Harry "Mason" Reid for the chance to become the next, freedom-loving patriot to head to our nation's capital to serve the evil, terrible government her entire campaign is based on destroying. Yay?

One may refer to the irony of an outspoken anti-government zealot attempting to become part of said terrible government by using the well-known phrase "turning lemons into lemonade." This would almost be an appropriate use of the popular metaphor. But not if your Sharron Angle, who prefers to use this simple, ubiquitous cliche when waxing psychotic poetic about how young, teenage girls raped by their fathers shouldn't be able to have abortions, but instead deal with the "horrific situation" by turning "lemons into lemonade."

STOCK: What do you say then to a young girl, I am going to place it as he said it, when a young girl is raped by her father, let’s say, and she is pregnant. How do you explain this to her in terms of wanting her to go through the process of having the baby?

ANGLE: I think that two wrongs don’t make a right. And I have been in the situation of counseling young girls, not 13 but 15, who have had very at risk, difficult pregnancies. And my counsel was to look for some alternatives, which they did. And they found that they had made what was really a lemon situation into lemonade. Well one girl in particular moved in with the adoptive parents of her child, and they both were adopted. Both of them grew up, one graduated from high school, the other had parents that loved her and she also graduated from high school. And I’ll tell you the little girl who was born from that very poor situation came to me when she was 13 and said ‘I know what you did thank you for saving my life.’ So it is meaningful to me to err on the side of life.

Oh, Sharry! It's one thing to be an insane crazy person who happens to equate abortion with the murder of an innocent life. From a purely ideological perspective, one should not feel compelled to say sugarcoated, not-so-politically-suicidal statements you don't really mean just to make yourself sound electable instead of imbalanced. But at the same time, one should also not try to pretend these tragic incidents are some positive, life-changing affirmations when they're really just hellishly bad nightmares.

It's just not done. It's called class, got it, Angle?

Of course, this isn't the first time Sharry baby has found herself in scalding hot water for saying bizarre, crazy lady things, like oh, turning incestuous rape victims into delicious lemon meringue pie, or encouraging the assassination of her Democratic election foe, incumbent Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid while appearing on conservative talk radio "The Lars Larson Show:"

You know, our Founding Fathers, they put that Second Amendment in there for a good reason and that was for the people to protect themselves against a tyrannical government. And in fact Thomas Jefferson said it’s good for a country to have a revolution every 20 years.
I hope that’s not where we’re going, but, you know, if this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying my goodness what can we do to turn this country around? I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.

To a really fancy restaurant?? Why, that's awfully nice of you to offer, Sharron, but he's been super busy trying to actually run this terrible government you're always ranting about, while trying to avoid being "taken out" by some heat-packin' Sharron Angle supporter with Jesus on his side, and extra bullets in his swastika decorated fannypack.

"I meant take him out of office, and taking him out of office is a little different," Sharron later clarified. "I changed my rhetoric."

Of course! Oooooh, won't it be great once she's elected and decides to take out every ranking senator until there's no one left but Senate Majority Leader Angle and a congressional floor full of bullet-riddled corpses. Then America will really be free!

But what else does Miss Angle believe other than assassinating elected Democratic officials from her native Nevada, and cooking lip-smacking lemon and incestuous rape-based cuisine?

Before she decided to stop gift-wrapping insane statements to the press and retreat into a safe, media-free zone where her ridiculous, frightening thoughts could remain private, Sharron Angle gave America a near-perfect stream of delightful, discretion-free lunacy 'round the clock.

Abortion: Divine interpreter Sharron Angle believes abortion should be illegal because of (who else?) God. When asked by radio host Bill Manders whether there is "any reason at all for an abortion," Angle answers: "Not in my book." For clarity, he says: "So, in other words, rape and incest would not be something?" And the always charming Angle replies with this reasoning: "You know, I'm a Christian, and I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things."

Hear that, ya ungrateful heathen? God planned your terrifying (divine?) rape and subsequent pregnancy! And if God's plan is for you to get forcibly penetrated by your uncle and/or father, His plan is also that you keep your deformed, cognitively impaired baby, and take comfort knowing the Lord is watching over you. Just have a little faith here, people!

And while we're at it, why bother throwing the man in prison for doing God's work honorably raping women and children? After all, how could us mere mortals possibly understand the divine nature of planting a man's seed in his 12 year old daughter through forced, gruesome penetration?? Exactly.

Unemployment: Sure, Nevada may currently lead the nation in unemployment but that doesn't stop our Sharry from making mindblowingly insensitive, glib comments about poor, jobless Nevadans (laaaaaaazy!) enduring terrible hardships. You see, Sharron knows that those without employment are "spoiled" brats, and perfect Senators to-be like her (ooh, keep your fingers crossed!) are "not in the business of creating jobs."

Of course, what she really meant to say was that was that welfare "has spoiled our citizenry" and that "the system of entitlement has caused us to have a spoilage with our ability to go out and get a job," which apparently also extends to her ability to master obscure Old English phrases that went into extinction with the Dodo Bird, Polio, and John McCain's integrity. So, bravo?

Scientology: Sharron Angle is NOT a Scientologist, I repeat Sharron Angle is NOT a Scientologist! They are weird and mostly elitist liberal celebrity types, which Miss Angle is most certainly not. She is a down-to-Earth gal from the Wild West who simply believes that Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard had all the answers when it comes to curing addiction, and as a legislator, supported "a prison rehabilitation program promoted by the Church of Scientology and involving massage and saunas." Which is totally not Scientology! Far from it. It is simply a very reasonable psychiatric alternative invented by the same man who belives America was founded somewhere around 75 million years ago when the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy Xenu brought billions of humans ("thetans") to Earth, stacked them in volcanoes, and blew them up using hydrogen bombs, or maybe just had Sharron and her followers shoot them with their semiautamic machine guns 'til they all exploded. Point is, no one knows for sure!

The United Nations: That shriveled old thing? Is that ancient fossil still around? Ugh, Sharron Angle knows it's time to leave that old whining hag in the nursing home, or six feet under with Grandma where it belongs. It's high time America withdraws from that stupid world organization already, since it's nothing more than a cesspool of liberal ideology and "the umpire on fraudulent science such as global warming."

"I'm a clean-air proponent," Angle said in an interview. "I don't, however, buy into the whole...man-caused global warming, man-caused climate change mantra of the left. I believe that there's not sound science to back that up."

She only gets her science from reliable sources like L. Ron Hubbard, Tom Cruise and whatever the voices in her head tell her (kill Harry Reid?).

But alas, don't get too attached to wonderful Sharry and her enlightened positions because last week Angle launched a new website that "softens" her stances, by "removing them entirely," lest she come across as some unhinged nutjob or anything.

Oh and while we're on the subject, you might not want to get too attached to ol' Angle either because her and Harry are locked in a tight one in the polls, and our lovely unhinged heroine of Teabags and Freedom needs plenty more cash to catch Sir Moneybags Harry Reid's campaign chest, which has raised ten times as much.

But don't despair! Perhaps Sharron could put those Betty Crocker hands of hers to work with a delicious fundraising bake sale, and maybe whip up another delectable batch of everyone's favorite, sinfully scrumptious lemon-flavored dessert treat.

Because nothing helps brings a smile to the face of an incestuous rape victim quite like Famous Angle's Zesty Lemon Squares or Sunny Morning Lemon Muffins!

Not even justice.