Sharron Angle's PAC Questionnaire Proves Republicans Aren't The Party Of NO, They're The Party Of LuNOtic!

Check 'Yes' For Crazy! 

You may remember Sharron Angle, the crazy Teabag lady from Nevada hoping to unseat meek ol' Mormon Harry Reid as Senate Majority Leader with her wonderful, forward-thinking ideas like how to make deliciously refreshing lemonade out of getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your father (eat one of her famous zesty lemon squares and call her in the morning?), and dismantling the terrible, no-good government she hates so much, she's dropped millions of dollars desperately trying to be a part of. Ya know, for freedom 'n stuff! What a gal!

Well lucky for us, the arugula-eating, Jew-run media elites over at the AP have dug up a questionnaire filled out by Sharron Angle from the Government Is Not God PAC, with 36 yes-or-no answers, so thankfully Sharron was able to fill it out without hitch. Unlike incestuous rape and lemonade, short answers and Sharron do not mix!

The PAC, Government Is Not God, which not surprisingly has endorsed Angle's campaign, may sound like it opposes legislating based on religion and/or religious beliefs, as the name would imply, but apparently they're as brilliant as their lovely candidate because their mission "to seek the election to Congress of men and women who hold conservative beliefs on both moral and economic issues" suggests that "God Should Be Government" would be a better, and certainly more appropriate name, for such an organization.

And much like their prized candidate, the Government Is Not God PAC  have some, umm, shall we say, "interesting" beliefs about social issues, especially those involving the gays (gross!) and unborn fetuses (great!), as can be seen by Sharron answering "yes" to every single one of their questions.

Social Issues-Abortion:

"2. Do you believe that an unborn child is a person under the 14th amendment?" She most certainly does! Every last one of 'em is a precious li'l miracle of God just waiting to be sprung from the oppressive womb and onto the Earth to fulfill their divine destiny ending the tyranny of government, while safeguarding the indescribable beauty of free-market capitalism.

"3. Do you believe that abortion is the taking of a human life?" Yes, 100% without a doubt...unless of course that fetus happens to be a dirty Mexican fetus! Then feel free to do as you will. She doesn't much care either way, so long as it lands on their side of the fence.

"8. If a pregnant woman is murdered, should the perpetrator face an additional count of for the unborn child?" Yes, definitely! So long as that child is perfectly Christian and pure snow-white with no trace of Black, Hispanic, or icky Jew in their undeveloped system that is.

Social Issues-Other:

"10. Do you oppose the recognition of 'same-sex marriages'?" HAHAHAHA! Is the Pope Catholic? Is the sky blue? Is grass green? Do you even need to ask? Ugh, **Shudder!**

"11. Do you oppose adding 'sexual orientation' as a protected minority under existing civil rights laws?" Duh! As if the eternally-damned sodomites deserve special protections. Puh-lease! Those are reserved for special respectable kinds of people who deserve them like White Anglo-Saxon Protestants and fiscal conservatives.

"12. Do you oppose laws allowing homosexuals to adopt children?" Yes, of course she does! Screw you dumb orphans! Either find yourself a nice, loving STRAIGHT (preferably White and Christian) family who will love you, or wake up and smell the coffee: clearly you are simply too ugly and too stupid for any parents to ever love your abandoned li'l behind. So, sorry? Sure, it may sound harsh, but trust me, you'll thank her later.

"13. Do you favor laws that restrict the production, sale, and distribution of pornography?" You better believe it! Because any sex not done for the sole purpose of procreating is evil and an affront to God and should never, ever be recorded or documented in any way, under any circumstances, let alone so much as participated in like wild beasts with no moral compass or restraints to speak of.

"16. Do you support the right of students and teachers to publicly acknowledge the Creator?" Yes she does! But since which "Creator" is never specified, we can only assume she means all creators, so ummm, praise Xenu, God of Tom Cruise!

Education:

"18. Should federal involvement in public education be eliminated, including eliminating the U.S. Department of Education?" Of course she does! If your one-man-one woman-only parental units (as the good Lord intended) cannot afford to send you to a proper Jesus school like St. Mary of the Angels or Immaculate Conception, then screw you you and your child's inquisitive li'l mind! You don't even deserve to have an education, for Pete's Sake! The free ride is over!

"22. Do you oppose federally funded school-based health clinics?" Yes she most certainly does! Either find a way to stay germ-free and healthy (perhaps say a prayer or two?) or deal with the consequences. So have fun dying, kiddies! She's never much cared for those naive mini-adults anyway.

Politics:

"35A. Would you refuse PAC money from those who are fundamentally opposed to your views on social issues?" Would you sucker-punch an unsuspecting passerby? Kick an injured man when he's down? Hurl money and insults at a wheelchair-bound Parkinson's sufferer? Steal candy from the mouth of a babe? YES, YES, YES, YES, and YES!!!

"35B. In reference to question 35A, Intel Corporation supports 'equal rights for gays' and offers benefits to 'partners' of homosexual employees. Would you refuse funds from this corporate PAC?" Of course she would! C'mon taking money from the dirty (who-knows-where-they've-been!) hands of actual homosexuals?? She'd sooner flog herself bloody, get nailed to a cross on a sweltering summer day in the middle of the Vegas Strip and wait for the vultures to have their way with her then ever accept the sullied-currency of Godless Sodomites and Sapphos. Ewwwwwww, perish the thought!

Asked about Angle's answers, her spokesman Jarrod Agen said, "this nation has a long history of clergy speaking their conscience, whether you're talking about the Founding Fathers or Martin Luther King. As a strong believer in the First Amendment, Sharron Angle believes it is improper for the federal government to use the threat of revoking tax exempt status against churches and pastors."

"Sharron Angle believes that ideally, children should have a relationship with both a mother and a father and our adoption policy should reflect that."

"As a grandmother of ten and a former teacher, nobody is more concerned about our kids' education than Sharron Angle. As Sharron has said many times, education is best handled at the local level, not by bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. delivering unfunded mandates like 'No Child Left Behind,'" Jarrod Agen added.

Wow, thanks for totally clearing that up, Mr. Spokesman with a similarly misspelled name as Sharron Angle. We feel sooooooo much better (totally comfortable, in fact!) with her awesome, sensible beliefs now that you've explained them so well.

Truth is, we don't need another weirdo with an unnecessarily added consonant in their names to show us that Sharron Angle just answered "yes" to every question (probably without even reading them first) because she wanted this crazy PAC's Jesus-blessed money.

We're just happy to know that Sharron Angle is bringing to Washington the kind of savvy leadership of a troubled kid who randomly marks "C" for every answer on his Scantron sheet.

Wooohooo! America is back where it should be my friends: metaphorically shooting spitballs at the teacher (big, bad gubmint) from the back of a Special Ed classroom (Senate) in the hopes that their behavioral problem plagued, unstable, ADHD-suffering, glue-eating resident dunce (Sharron Angle) is elected as class Preznent!

And you thought Republicans were the party of "No!" when they're really the party of "Yes!" but only if the question is absolutely the most batsh*t crazy, nonsensical, insane thing your ears have ever heard!

Sharron Angle Knows When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Lemonade & Thank Jesus For Giving You Anything, Even If It's Spoiled Rinds Or Li'l Miracles Of Incestuous Rape

Ooooh, another adorable wingnut surprise from the parched West, dem parts where they don't take too kindly to strangers, like dirty Mexicans in their backyards or Kenyans in their White House.

But, who is this new delicious desert-fried bite of unbridled crazy, and where in God's scorched desert landscape did she come from?

Why, it's Sharron Angle, straight from the bright, big city lights of America's favoritest place to bet their life savings and booze away their sorrows, the sparkling state where it's cool to hit the strip scouring for strippers to bang, Nevada baby!

But, other than a certifiable crazy person, just who is this awesome new darling of human bags o' caffeinated herbs 'n spice, who beat out that (equally insane) Chicken Lady to win the Nevada Republican primary and the one-of-a-kind opportunity to face none other than Dear Leader Harry "Mason" Reid for the chance to become the next, freedom-loving patriot to head to our nation's capital to serve the evil, terrible government her entire campaign is based on destroying. Yay?

One may refer to the irony of an outspoken anti-government zealot attempting to become part of said terrible government by using the well-known phrase "turning lemons into lemonade." This would almost be an appropriate use of the popular metaphor. But not if your Sharron Angle, who prefers to use this simple, ubiquitous cliche when waxing psychotic poetic about how young, teenage girls raped by their fathers shouldn't be able to have abortions, but instead deal with the "horrific situation" by turning "lemons into lemonade."

STOCK: What do you say then to a young girl, I am going to place it as he said it, when a young girl is raped by her father, let’s say, and she is pregnant. How do you explain this to her in terms of wanting her to go through the process of having the baby?

ANGLE: I think that two wrongs don’t make a right. And I have been in the situation of counseling young girls, not 13 but 15, who have had very at risk, difficult pregnancies. And my counsel was to look for some alternatives, which they did. And they found that they had made what was really a lemon situation into lemonade. Well one girl in particular moved in with the adoptive parents of her child, and they both were adopted. Both of them grew up, one graduated from high school, the other had parents that loved her and she also graduated from high school. And I’ll tell you the little girl who was born from that very poor situation came to me when she was 13 and said ‘I know what you did thank you for saving my life.’ So it is meaningful to me to err on the side of life.

Oh, Sharry! It's one thing to be an insane crazy person who happens to equate abortion with the murder of an innocent life. From a purely ideological perspective, one should not feel compelled to say sugarcoated, not-so-politically-suicidal statements you don't really mean just to make yourself sound electable instead of imbalanced. But at the same time, one should also not try to pretend these tragic incidents are some positive, life-changing affirmations when they're really just hellishly bad nightmares.

It's just not done. It's called class, got it, Angle?

Of course, this isn't the first time Sharry baby has found herself in scalding hot water for saying bizarre, crazy lady things, like oh, turning incestuous rape victims into delicious lemon meringue pie, or encouraging the assassination of her Democratic election foe, incumbent Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid while appearing on conservative talk radio "The Lars Larson Show:"

You know, our Founding Fathers, they put that Second Amendment in there for a good reason and that was for the people to protect themselves against a tyrannical government. And in fact Thomas Jefferson said it’s good for a country to have a revolution every 20 years.
I hope that’s not where we’re going, but, you know, if this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying my goodness what can we do to turn this country around? I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.

To a really fancy restaurant?? Why, that's awfully nice of you to offer, Sharron, but he's been super busy trying to actually run this terrible government you're always ranting about, while trying to avoid being "taken out" by some heat-packin' Sharron Angle supporter with Jesus on his side, and extra bullets in his swastika decorated fannypack.

"I meant take him out of office, and taking him out of office is a little different," Sharron later clarified. "I changed my rhetoric."

Of course! Oooooh, won't it be great once she's elected and decides to take out every ranking senator until there's no one left but Senate Majority Leader Angle and a congressional floor full of bullet-riddled corpses. Then America will really be free!

But what else does Miss Angle believe other than assassinating elected Democratic officials from her native Nevada, and cooking lip-smacking lemon and incestuous rape-based cuisine?

Before she decided to stop gift-wrapping insane statements to the press and retreat into a safe, media-free zone where her ridiculous, frightening thoughts could remain private, Sharron Angle gave America a near-perfect stream of delightful, discretion-free lunacy 'round the clock.

Abortion: Divine interpreter Sharron Angle believes abortion should be illegal because of (who else?) God. When asked by radio host Bill Manders whether there is "any reason at all for an abortion," Angle answers: "Not in my book." For clarity, he says: "So, in other words, rape and incest would not be something?" And the always charming Angle replies with this reasoning: "You know, I'm a Christian, and I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things."

Hear that, ya ungrateful heathen? God planned your terrifying (divine?) rape and subsequent pregnancy! And if God's plan is for you to get forcibly penetrated by your uncle and/or father, His plan is also that you keep your deformed, cognitively impaired baby, and take comfort knowing the Lord is watching over you. Just have a little faith here, people!

And while we're at it, why bother throwing the man in prison for doing God's work honorably raping women and children? After all, how could us mere mortals possibly understand the divine nature of planting a man's seed in his 12 year old daughter through forced, gruesome penetration?? Exactly.

Unemployment: Sure, Nevada may currently lead the nation in unemployment but that doesn't stop our Sharry from making mindblowingly insensitive, glib comments about poor, jobless Nevadans (laaaaaaazy!) enduring terrible hardships. You see, Sharron knows that those without employment are "spoiled" brats, and perfect Senators to-be like her (ooh, keep your fingers crossed!) are "not in the business of creating jobs."

Of course, what she really meant to say was that was that welfare "has spoiled our citizenry" and that "the system of entitlement has caused us to have a spoilage with our ability to go out and get a job," which apparently also extends to her ability to master obscure Old English phrases that went into extinction with the Dodo Bird, Polio, and John McCain's integrity. So, bravo?

Scientology: Sharron Angle is NOT a Scientologist, I repeat Sharron Angle is NOT a Scientologist! They are weird and mostly elitist liberal celebrity types, which Miss Angle is most certainly not. She is a down-to-Earth gal from the Wild West who simply believes that Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard had all the answers when it comes to curing addiction, and as a legislator, supported "a prison rehabilitation program promoted by the Church of Scientology and involving massage and saunas." Which is totally not Scientology! Far from it. It is simply a very reasonable psychiatric alternative invented by the same man who belives America was founded somewhere around 75 million years ago when the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy Xenu brought billions of humans ("thetans") to Earth, stacked them in volcanoes, and blew them up using hydrogen bombs, or maybe just had Sharron and her followers shoot them with their semiautamic machine guns 'til they all exploded. Point is, no one knows for sure!

The United Nations: That shriveled old thing? Is that ancient fossil still around? Ugh, Sharron Angle knows it's time to leave that old whining hag in the nursing home, or six feet under with Grandma where it belongs. It's high time America withdraws from that stupid world organization already, since it's nothing more than a cesspool of liberal ideology and "the umpire on fraudulent science such as global warming."

"I'm a clean-air proponent," Angle said in an interview. "I don't, however, buy into the whole...man-caused global warming, man-caused climate change mantra of the left. I believe that there's not sound science to back that up."

She only gets her science from reliable sources like L. Ron Hubbard, Tom Cruise and whatever the voices in her head tell her (kill Harry Reid?).

But alas, don't get too attached to wonderful Sharry and her enlightened positions because last week Angle launched a new website that "softens" her stances, by "removing them entirely," lest she come across as some unhinged nutjob or anything.

Oh and while we're on the subject, you might not want to get too attached to ol' Angle either because her and Harry are locked in a tight one in the polls, and our lovely unhinged heroine of Teabags and Freedom needs plenty more cash to catch Sir Moneybags Harry Reid's campaign chest, which has raised ten times as much.

But don't despair! Perhaps Sharron could put those Betty Crocker hands of hers to work with a delicious fundraising bake sale, and maybe whip up another delectable batch of everyone's favorite, sinfully scrumptious lemon-flavored dessert treat.

Because nothing helps brings a smile to the face of an incestuous rape victim quite like Famous Angle's Zesty Lemon Squares or Sunny Morning Lemon Muffins!

Not even justice.

Sarah Palin Knows We Need Constitutional Shredders, Not Scholars, As President Of America

It is no secret the Tea Party movement and its loyal herb 'n spice obsessed 'baggers live, breathe, and procreate solely for the Constitution of the United States.

In fact, the teabaggers' undying affection for our nation's founding charter is soooooo strong, that the very constitution of their entire movement is strict adherence to and devoted worship of the original sacred document of freedom, the U.S. Constitution.

So, naturally, the weekend's Burning Man festival for disgruntled wingnuts in Harry Reid's hometown of Searchlight, Nevada was teeming with overweight, middle aged white men donning colonial garb and carrying signs, posters, and slogans expressing their deepest devotion to the only God they answer to, the 4,543-unamended-word document known as the Constitution.

Not to mention, all the homages, reverence, and idolization for the document they've never read (waaaay too long!) you'd expect from the freedom-fightin', public-speaking abortion and common sense holocaust known as one of Sarah Palin's keynote addresses to everyday, average American Joe's and Jane's dressed like 18th century revolutionaries complete with breeches, stockings, waistcoats, and three-cornered felt hats, while sipping cider and snacking on Johnnycake and molasses in the middle of some desert town in 21st century Nevada.

"Our vision for America is anchored in time-tested truths that the government that governs least governs best, that the Constitution provides the path to a more perfect union — it's the Constitution," Sarah exclaimed.

"By the way, it's within our own borders and homeland where we we should feel so safe and not condone...err...umm...any type of violence...it's within the homeland that we should feel safe and that makes me want to say:

In these volatile times when we are a nation at war, now more than ever is when we need a commander-in-chief, not a constitutional law professor lecturing us from a lectern.

WOOOOOHOOOO!! Yeah!!! Hear that NObama?? We don't need your stinkin', elitist knowledge of the Constitution to tell us what's actually in the Constitution and what is simply a figment of our deranged pea brains.

What America NEEDS is another semi-literate "MBA" President who doesn't know the difference between Constitution and Constipation to save us from this one-year Socialist hell, and lead the nation back into dual economic and international crises, like a true freedom-loving, teabagging patriot.

Just like our founding fathers intended.

John Ensign Is Nothing Like Bill Clinton, Except For Cheating On His Wife

One thing we know for certain about John Ensign is that he is not Bill Clinton.

Sure, he was banging his buddy's wife and former campaign aide Cynthia Hampton for a good six months or so before getting caught (oops!) and begging his megarich, stud parents to bail his philandering ass out by paying the Hampton Family $96,000 in hush money. Or, as the Ensign's like to call it, "generous gifts in the form of eight $12,000 checks to Doug, Cindy and two of their children out of concern for the well-being of long-time family friends during a difficult time" and also so the sum wouldn’t have to be declared as taxable income. Neat trick!

But unlike that slimeball Bill Clinton who absolutely deserved to be impeached as President of the United States for his sordid affair, Ensign's sexual indiscretion is totally cool because he "didn’t lie under oath like Clinton did and hasn't done anything legally wrong."

Thus, he is fully justified in voting to throw Clinton's sleazy ass out of office for getting blown in the White House in '98 but refusing to do the same now that it's his charming sexcapades and resignation everyone is talking about!

Sometimes sorry is just not good enough!

"President Clinton stood right before the American people and he lied to the American people," Ensign said. "You remember that famous day he lied to the American people, plus the fact I thought he suborned perjury. That's why I voted for the articles of impeachment."

Not because he's a lying, two-faced fraud and pathetic hypocrite who had to have Mommy and Daddy save him from the consequences of letting li'l Johnny down there run things instead of the morally crusading, 51-year-old beloved Nevada senator, who as a former member of the House, crucified Bill Clinton because his impeccable character, pure heart, and honorable conduct qualified him to make such weighty moral judgments about others.