Is There A New Kim On The Block?

Oooh, Something Tells Me Things Are Gonna Be Different Now!

Unlike in hideous, Constitutional abiding, Democratic America, over in the bad Korea, they know how to do politics the right way: no voting, no campaigns, no food for the people, no contact with the outside world, no freedom whatsoever, no money for anyone except Dear Leader, etc.

This wildly successful system of transferring absolute power from one insane, psychotic Cognac-loving Kim-named midget to another has worked brilliantly for at least the last half-century or so, (save for the detention camps and that li'l famine that killed some 2-3 million North Koreans, because really, whose counting anyway?).

So now that Dear Leader Lil' Kim Jong Il is possibly dying from pancreatic cancer and is also believed to have suffered a stroke two years ago, the time has come (or not?) for Kim the Elder to transfer complete power and the undying love of every Korean to his youngest son, Very Lil' Kim Junior the 2nd Jong Un. Hooray!!

In the biggest meeting of North Korea's ruling Workers’ Party in 30 years, Kim Jong Il promoted both his sister, Kim Kyong Hui and his youngest son, Kim Jong Un to Four Star Generals, "signaling the start of a possible power transfer in North Korea to a man said to be in his late 20s who the regime has never previously mentioned in public." Sadly, Kim's amicable, chubby, less bloodthirsty insane, Ferragamo loafer-wearing eldest son, Kim Jong Nam lost a power struggle with his little bro several years ago, due primarily to the fact that he is not a 100 percent deranged madman who feasts on misery and babies' tears, and is thus unfit to rule.

Of course, the last such Party gathering saw current fan favorite Kim Jong Il assume control from his father, the original Dear Leader, Eternal President, and Korean Jesus, Kim Il Sung, way back in 1980, and pretty much everything has been sunshine and roses, worldwide, ever since.

Hopefully, the new Supreme Leader of all Korea Kim Jong Un will be even more amazing than his universally adored, albeit vertically challenged, legendary father Kim Jong Il, if such greatness is even possible, which it is not, since he is a Living God, and the Earthly embodiment of all that is Holy, Pure, and Right in the world.

But we can always hope!

Little is known about Kim Jong Un. He attended the International School of Berne in Switzerland, according to media including the Seoul-based Dong-A Ilbo newspaper. The official Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) has never mentioned the son by name and China didn’t say whether he accompanied his father during the most recent visit.

The promotion of Kim Jong Un to the rank of General, along with Kim Jong Il’s sister, Kim Kyong Hui, in what may be part of "contingency plans should Kim Jong Un prove unsuitable," was issued yesterday by Kim Jong Il, who called on military commanders to "remain true to the party’s leadership in the future."

“It’s the first step forward in what will be a step-by-step process,” Donald Gregg, a former U.S. ambassador to South Korea said in an interview with Bloomberg Television. “It would be almost impossible to give Kim Jong Un full powers since he is untested.”

OMG, so true! Like what if Lil' Kim Jong Un turned out to be some freak pussy who doesn't even get off by systematically murdering, starving and terrifying his own people while sippin' Henny and watching old, terrible American action flicks from the comfort of any one of his 17 different, heavily fortified, anti-aircraft missile equipped palaces throughout North Korea??

Then how would Bill Clinton get to heroically rescue pretty, frightened Asian gals from pint-sized dungeon masters, earning their eternal gratitude, not to mention a 10 hour, 50 minute, 5,946 mile unaccompanied flight with two attractive women–giddy with freedom and eager to do anything to give thanks to the brave, tireless efforts of a certain former president, who would never deprive a lady of her wishes, especially one down on her knees?

Guess that rules out Bill's North Korean successor hopes. But don't despair! He could always return to governing Arkansas. After all, it is the North Korea of North America.

Oh, Pyongyang, things are gonna change, we can feel it. YES WE CAN!

Oh wait, that's just the electric fence.

Hillary Clinton Finally Gets The Hang Of Blowing Things...Like State Secrets On Ecuadorian TV!

Apparently, Hillary Clinton has learned the importance of blowing things every once in a while, because 12 years after a little reminder in the form of an eager, young intern named Monica, Hillrod has finally succumbed to the pressure and opened that nice mouth, big and wide.

Yes, Hilly blew it big time!

Turns out the usually tight-lipped half of the Clintons let the proverbial cat out of the bag when sbe very casually told an Ecuadorian television interviewer that President Obama's Justice Department will matter-of-factly be bringing a lawsuit against Arizona's immigration law, probably because it is an insane violation of our constitutional rights and a very ugly reminder of what happens when hatred and fear hijack public discourse.

Oh, but what does an old hat at State, who some may more precisely call Secretary, like her know anyway?

Aside from the ho-hum fact (yawn!) that Obama's justice department is about to go loco on Arizona's wingnut law prohibiting gross Mexicanish-looking people from inhabiting their Grand KKK Wizard Canyon State.

Contacted about Clinton's comments, State Department spokesman PJ Crowley said they simply reflected her beliefs.

"The Secretary was asked about the Arizona law during a TV interview in Ecuador," Crowley said.

"She believes that a better approach is comprehensive immigration reform, and said so. Regarding how far along the legal review is, that is a matter for the Department of Justice."

Ummm, yeah, I'm sure they'd agree too. If the damn blabbermouths in State would ever stop running their mouths all over South American teevee shows.

But nooooo! Madame Secretary just couldn't keep her big trap shut and let the big news umm, slip(?) for the whole (Mexican?) world to hear during a June 8 interview for Ecuadorean TV:

"President Obama has spoken out against the law because he thinks that the federal government should be determining immigration policy," Hillary said. "And the Justice Department, under his direction, will be bringing a lawsuit against the act."

Well, well, look at little-Miss-know-it-all now! Mentioning a closely-guarded secret before the Administration completed its public rollout strategy...How positively Bill Clinton of her!

Perhaps this slip of the ol' tongue was some revenge for ol' Hillrod, a bit of an "F-You" to Obama for stealing her rightful place as the first female Presidente of these great United States, who will say whatever she wants, whenever she feels like it, God damn it! Or maybe, it was just an honest mistake, sort of like a momentary, "I forget where I was while spilling hush-hush Justice Department secrets on Arizona's Nazi immigration law against Latinos."

Which just so happened to be in the South American country called Ecuador. Ironic, I know!

Not as ironic as, say, Arizona Governor and famed daughter of fictional Nazi-hunter Wilford Drinkwine, Jan Brewer, claiming to be "stunned" that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would dare say that the Justice Department will sue her state over its terrible, new, immigration law. But much like her freedom-fighting father before her, G.I. Jan is vowing to fight the enemy, tooth and nail!

And she's in it to win it, mis amigos!

The heroic governor blasted Clinton's remarks as  "no way to treat the people of Arizona."

We do that with a net, prodder, and one-way ticket back to Juarez! ¿Comprende?

"To learn of this lawsuit through an Ecuadorean interview with the secretary of state is just outrageous," she said. "If our own government intends to sue our state to prevent illegal immigration enforcement, the least it can do is inform us before it informs the citizens of another nation."

A terrible, no-good Latino nation, no less!

"We are going to pursue it, we're going to be very aggressive," Brewer said. "We'll meet them in court...And we will win."

Unless, another one of NObama's elitist arugula cilantro-eating activist judges like Sonia Sotomayor is presiding. Then who knows what will happen!

Maybe they'll strike down Aryanzona's "Bye, Bye Brownie" law and start deporting dried up, sun-scorched, Mexi-huntin', desert-dwellin' lady folk, whose patriotic papas died fighting a similar Nazi scourge in 1955 California, instead.

You just never know with those crazy, reverse-racist muchachas will do!

Hell, even the supposedly "trustworthy" white ones like ol' Hill spill the beans from time to time.

Just so long as they aren't of the Mexican, jumping variety, ¡no problemo!

What's Gross, Creepy, Slimy & Makes You Shudder All Over? A Nazi-Spewin' Newt Goin' Off The Deep End

Heil Newt?

Lovable amphibian-named pinnacle of reason and truth, Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich will say and do just about anything to get someone, anyone, to pay attention to what he, a thrice-married, twice divorced, multi-adulterous, washed-up former Republican Speaker of the House has to say about the current state of things, here in NObama's America, if you can even call this Socialist, Nazi hellhole America anymore.

You see, Newt has kept himself quite busy since his unceremonious resignation from his House seat and Speaker role over a DECADE ago, when thanks to his savvy leadership and smart policies of "Hell No!" and "Bill Clinton Die!" (while secretly sticking it to his own li'l office muffin), Republicans began hemorrhaging seats right, left, and every which way, and Newt was kindly asked to scram his hypocritical, enormous behind the hell out of Washington, DC.

But you betcha Newt has surely been doing very important things since his humiliating defeat way back in 1998, when Congress was charged with the critical national security task of figuring out all the mysterious things a Democratic president can do with a Cuban cigar, a certain intern ladies' hooha, and a few minutes of spare time.

Very important things like heading a health care lobbying firm to make sure the gross poors die in the streets where they belong, not nice, warm hospitals for decent, hardworking Americans who don't push their houses around in a grocery cart, whoring himself out to oil companies as their affable, white-haired spokesbaby to “Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less," and all those other awesome undersea adventures that happen when lining your nation's coastlines with offshore oil rigs no one checks or regulates because that doesn't help Newt get richer, baby richer!

But, on the bright side, you do get scores of delicious oil-soaked marine animals washing up on beaches up and down the Gulf Coast, from Florida to Mississippi to Louisiana, which can be tons of fun in it's own right!

But lining his pocket with millions in dirty oil money and dead dolphins isn't all Newt's been doing since departing from relevance as dear House Speaker. Not by a long shot!

Sir Newton has also been a highly-sought-after GOP adviser, doling out his trademark words of wisdom on everything from how to deny climate change (its easy if you try!) to help budding young conservative stars and longtime (orange) faces of the current minority Grand Obstructionist Party remain as disingenuous, deranged, and ultimately as successful in their desperate, maniacal quest for power as he was.Yay!

Newt has even put his years of tireless dedication and political know-how into the latest, greatest Pulitzer-worthy book from a Republican, not nicknamed after a terrifying aquatic creature, like, say a Barracuda, the soon-to-be legendary, To Save America, likely the second most important book in all of history, behind $arah Palin's 432-word tribute to her bank account, Goin' Rogue.

In this shining gem of truth and enlightenment, To Save America, Newt needn't bother with silly liberal lies, myths, or crazy figments of Al Gore's imagination like climate change or other concocted threats to America's security nobody but hippies, heathens, or arugula-eating elitists with advanced degrees in science believe anyway.

Puh-lease! Newt has much bigger fish to fry (in delicious oil?) than trying to preserve some dumb swirling blue third planet from the Sun (which is probably just Jesus glowing anyway, not some radioactive, helium and hydrogen superstar with a mass 330,000 times that of Earth, or about the size of Newt's ego).

Like saving this blessed red, white, and blue Union (of puritans) from evil Obama and the congressional Democrats' "secular-socialist machine" that "represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union."

VAN SUSTEREN: All right, Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union. Go a little far on that one?

GINGRICH: No. Because I’m not talking about moral equivalence of the people, I’m talking about the end result. If the Nazis had defeated us, then America as we know it would have disappeared. If the Soviet Union had defeated us, the America as we know it would have disappeared. I argue in this book—and I think it’s a pretty reasoned and compelling argument—that the fact is, the values of a secular socialist movement are antithetical—and you hear from President Obama all the time. … The secular socialist left doesn’t want God anywhere in public life and doesn’t want to acknowledge God anywhere in public life.

And since terrible Chairman ObaMAO actually believes in the constitutional separation of church and state (kinda like those "fathers" Newt and the rest of the human bags of Lipton love referencing so much), Newt is 100%  positive America will undoubtedly find itself on that slippery slope of rounding up and mass-murdering millions of innocent Jews, Gypsies, intellectuals, homosexuals, disabled, and elderly all in the name of the Aryan master race and achieving God's vision of a perfect, pure world.

Of course, Gingrich's "reasoned and compelling" argument for this alleged new Hitler with a jumpshot consists of sound, factual evidence, such as the voices in his head buzzing "Socialism" and "universal health care" and "helping poor people not die or go bankrupt" every time he closes he eyes at night, after his nanny lulls him to gentle sleep with a nice story about the good ol' days when America was mighty and strong and run by a real Christian leader with a rudimentary understanding of the English language and even less idea about running a country (to the ground?) or how to be a president (play golf and go on cool airplane rides with beds in them while giving unwanted back rubs to German lady prime ministers?).

WALLACE: So — but you compare that to the Nazis and the Communists?

GINGRICH: I compare that as a threat.

Who knows what kind of Holocausts will arise from the terrible government regulating the saints and do-gooders in the health insurance and oil industries who want nothing more than to make this world a better place for themselves, their children, and their children's children. Not included, of course, are those other "children" who didn't make it, thanks to exorbitant medical costs, sudden dropped coverage, lack of existing coverage, skyrocketing premiums, and other perfectly logical reasons why they're sorry to inform you that li'l Johnny's leukemia is no longer covered, but thanks for your life-savings anyway.

Oh, and you know that house of yours, yeah, we're gonna need to take that too. Don't hate us, we're just doing what God and the free market, and hidden fees, and duplicitous politicians and business schemes, (and billions of dollars in bonuses) would want us to do.

Newt just gets it! Which is precisely why he, like fellow messenger of Divinity, Glenn Beck, have found themselves suddenly stricken with a severe case of Nazi Tourettes, with the index of Newt's rational, fact-based book citing Nazi references eight times, each linking the Obama administration's progressivism and much-needed brand of social justice to Nazi Germany policies of Zyclon B gas chambers and total extermination.

Because who better to highlight the evil tendencies of humankind, namely of some dumb community organizer from Kenya or Chicago or Satan's womb, than a God-loving man named after a slimy, unsightly, pea-brained evolutionary freak of both land and sea, who was lovingly divorcing his various wives while they were recovering from cancer, all the while diddling his hot li'l GOP secretary on the sly, and prattling on about that Democratic Führer famous for his brilliant Oral Oratory skills.

No, not Obama silly, Bill Clinton!

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, Who's The Biggest Beltway Whore Of All?

With the Grand Old Party of family values and straight, missionary-style sex only, feelin' the burning red heat over the latest Republican donor scandal involving the usual multi-thousand dollar spending sprees at various, upscale bondage-themed Lezzy clubs, the real question on everyone's mind is which of our esteemed two political parties (of honor, integrity, and raging hormones) really has the harder time keeping their hoohas and weewees in their respective, freshly pressed skirts and/or pleated trousers?

So many sex scandals sullying so many districts in so little time makes the showdown for sexual supremacy a challenging one! But once the pants are zipped, shirts buttoned, romp-tousled hair combed slick, and numbers all tallied, where do our honorable elected officials stack up? And which side of the congressional aisle comes out as the dominant top, and which the submissive bottom, who goes home alone and unfulfilled to nothing but pot roast and the nagging wifey of 25-plus years?

Strap on your safety belts, ladies and gentleman, it's gonna be a wild ride through the last two dripping wet decades of unbridled lust, unchecked libidos, repressed sexuality, deep denial, spurned spouses, secret baby daddys, sordid same-sex solicitations, torrid trysts, rough 'n tumble role-playing rendezvous, boring, by-the-book harassment, and enough middle-of-the-night monkey business to keep any red-blooded American locked, loaded, and ready to rock.

And what better way to beat the winter blues and usher in bountiful spring than fresh off the heels of March Madness in the form of Salt Lake City skinny dips featuring Utah State Senate Republican majority leader Kevin Garn, underage 15-year-old gal, a hot tub and $150,000 in hush money, Salty Sailor and Big Apple Democrat "Tickle Me Eric" Massa's hands-on approach to young male staffers, and of course California State Senator and conservative, vehemently anti-gay crusader Roy Ashburn doing some drunken cruising of his own at just about every Southern California bar sporting a neon rainbow sign flashing on its marquee.

So, after examining the 58 scandals (that's it?) over the past 20 years involving all politicians or major candidates for city mayor or above--involving crimes, allegations, or just the usual tabloid fodder we Americans love so much--what overarching conclusions (if any) can be reached, aside from the obvious hearty libidos of our nation's lawmakers and leaders?

• The number of sex scandals has increased dramatically over the past few decades, thanks to technology, new press standards and a post-Clinton belief that everything is fair game.
  (Including soiled dresses and all the fun things you can do with a cigar!)

• Based on the methodology used, Republicans have more scandals (32 to 26), but Democrats have bigger ones (13 out of the top 20). That's not the only place!
  

• Since the Democrats are obviously the party of Satan and brimstone, their foibles tend to be more your garden variety harassment and banging o' the mistress on the sly, while the party of Jesus Christ and moral superiority, the GOP, tends to suppress these unGodly tendencies by secretly trolling for young boys after Sunday mass when the pickin's good.
  

According to the study courtesy of Daily Beast, the 58 scandals were ranked using a methodology that includes whether a crime was committed, versus inappropriate behavior (tickle,tickle!); whether the charges were proven, versus alleged; the level of office held; and whether the incident involved children, staff, a cover-up or hypocrisy. The full breakdown of all the pillars of the elected community lucky enough to make the cut can be seen in this stunning, color slideshow of the Donkey & Elephant Sexual Hall of Shame.

Prostitution

Ah yes, this beautiful category of pay-as-you-go fulfillment combines both those who solicited a prostitute, but for whatever reason did not accept—think "Wide Stance" Larry Craig in the airport men's room—and those who dove in head first before getting caught hook, line, and sinker—think Louisiana Sen. David Vitter's own lovely lapse into the seedy (but satisfying!) world of the DC Madam. By a count of 6 to 1, the Grand Old Prostitute-lovin' Party can claim a much needed, lopsided victory over rival Dems. This ain't your grandmother's Elephant, no more!

Winner: Solidly Republican (6-1)

Staffers

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and if you're a Democrat (especially by the name of Eric Massa), keep 'em piled high, in a constant stream, and as close as is humanly possible, preferably, while unable to breathe thanks to the infamous fast-flying fingers of New York's own sodium-saturated, sassy snorkeler. Democrats win this one, fingers, err, hands down, by a count of 16 to 5. Who said Donkeys didn't know how to have fun?

Winner: Solidly Democrat (16-5)

Hypocrisy

Saying one thing while doing the exact opposite rears its ugly head in almost half the sex scandals surveyed. But only one party can claim this noble act as its bread and butter, its joie de vivre, the trademark quality by which to distinguish it from the rest, everybody's favorite Party of No (but secretly yes), the one, the only, off-the-hook, hip-hop party of youth (or just old people), the fabulous Republican Party. Think pro-choice GOP (apparently, they do exist), womens' rights warrior, and 10-time sexual harassment superstar Sen. Robert Packwood (and he means it!) or any one of the number of good, old fashioned GOPers whose primetime pantsdown meltdown is followed by the statement, "I am not, nor have I ever been gay." This is usually a big red flag, or as the case may be, a decidedly rainbow one.

Winner: Solidly Republican (16-9)

Sexual Harassment

When it comes to threats, emails, text messages, and all other preferred modes of sexually harassing the sweet li'l power suit sportin' muffins lookin' so irresistible working 'round the office, the distinguished gentleman on the left side of the aisle take the cake (and the icing!) on this one. It's practically a Democratic tradition! Yay??

Winner: Solidly Democrat (8-2)

Inappropriate Conduct with a Minor

Everyone makes mistakes. When you're a House Republican from Florida, these usually come in the form of sexually suggestive instant messages to underage teenage boys working as congressional pages. Like Republican Congressman Mark Foley, who in 2006, honored his oath of elected office by soliciting sex (and not just any sex, but terrible gay sex) from young, smooth chaps with tanned legs and the misfortune of working for the one Republican Representative, who if all goes well, will be the one doing the "working over" in no time at all. Brings new meaning to the phrase resume booster.

Winner: Leans Republican (2 to 1)

Out-of-Wedlock Child

Not even the valiant efforts of fallen Southern gentleman Johnny Edwards, his sweet love bunny Rielle and the new li'l fruit of their loins, Quinn, could help the Dems out-screw their Republican rivals when it comes to surprise buns in-the-other-woman's oven. Get 'em next time, Johnny!?

Winner: Leans Republicans (2 to 1)

Cover-up

One of the more exciting developments in many a sordid sex tale is all the behind-the-scenes wrangling that goes into covering up these "youthful indiscretions," traditionally in the form of hush money to keep the missus quiet, extorting favors, jobs, and assorted other goodies from the unfortunate philanderer-in-question, and any other perks you can squeeze from the dumb schmuck in his post-coitus panic. Think Nevada's own Republican Sen. John Ensign, whose own moral superiority over that 'nasty, nasty boy' Bill Clinton, comes with a cool $96,000 upfront to keep it that way.

Winner: Republicans (5-2)

So, what does all this middle-aged sex (not to be confused with love) mean for the average American citizen like you and me?

Like harassment, interns, little girls?? Vote Democrat!

Prostitutes, hypocrisy, and under aged boys more your thing?? Vote Republican!

Either way, you're still doing waaaaay better than the Catholic Church!

Oooh, Chairman, Don't Be Modest!

Game Change Reminds Us Anyone But Obama Would Mean Game Over For America

Guess what America?? Even though our country is broke, no one has a job, health care is on the skids, and it is getting painfully obvious that Mother Nature wants us gone for good, there's still something to be thankful for: that those other lunatic nutballs trying to win the White House back in '08, didn't.

At least, according to hoity-toity New Yorker book critic Hendrik Hertzberg in his review of the hottest election tell-all to hit the shelves, Game Change, by veteran reporters John Heilemann and Mark Halperin. (Sorry to all those Sarah fans out there, but the fictional children's book Going Rogue didn't meet the requirements of "not being total bullsh*t").

After devouring all 464 pages of this profanity-laced, dysfunction laden presidential free-for-all, Hertzberg, like the rest of us, was able to make a number of conclusions.

Some, like the fact that "presidential candidates and the members of their entourages are inordinately fond of the word 'fuck' and its derivatives," isn't exactly earth-shattering but mere reminders that politicians are human too (albeit foul-mouthed ones) and as such, like to sound cool and powerful by showering their speech with as many F-bombs as they can possibly cram into a sentence.

"When he first learned the outcome from his number crunchers, what he thought was, Well, we’re fucked," John Edwards' reaction to losing in Iowa.

"Why the fuck do you think I'd want to go sit outside a Wal-Mart and hand out leaflets?" John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth, objecting to a campaign assignment.

"Unfuckingbelievable!" Clinton said, upon being accused of citing the assassination of Robert Kennedy as a reason for her to stay in the contest.

"Fuck you! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!" John McCain, with "both middle fingers raised," scolding his wife, Cindy, for interrupting him.

"No fucking discipline." Obama's diagnosis of the chaos in McCainland.

But beyond our leaders' proclivity for potty talk, Game Change, does reveal some deeper, darker secrets about the sanity, intelligence, and character of our beloved candidates.

Some of course less shocking than others.

"The portrayals of the rest of the cast are reasonably consistent with what informed readers already knew, with flaws and foibles usefully filled out. Palin emerges as even more ignorant than one supposed, and considerably more unstable." Nothing surprising here.

Under the pressure of debate preparation, she regularly retreated into a "catatonic stupor," prompting the McCain campaign to discuss the "threatening possibility that Palin was mentally unstable." It was decided that if it looked like McCain might actually win in November, they would have to relegate Ms. Palin "to the largely ceremonial role that premodern vice presidents inhabited, considering it to be inconceivable that if McCain fell ill or died, the country be left in the hands of a President Palin."

Even trigger-happy Dark Lord of the GOP, Dick Cheney, called McCain's VP pick, a "reckless choice," believing the Alaska governor was unprepared for high office, though apparently still better than that illegal Kenyan terrorist with the funny name, winning smile, and ability to actually relate to everyday people, other than those with the last name Bush.

You know, "normal" people, like the unbelievably dysfunctional duo of John Edwards and wifey Elizabeth, who staffers described in such glowing terms as "abusive, intrusive, paranoid, condescending, crazywoman." The two fought openly over John's alleged affair (and lovechild!) with Rielle Hunter. But that's not it!

You see, Dame Elizabeth viewed herself as a "worldly intellectual" and publicly called her husband "a hick" and his parents "rednecks," snazzy $400 haircut or not.

"She was forever letting John know she regarded him as her intellectual inferior," mocking her husband as somebody who "doesn't read books."

Well it's a good thing Lizzy's literate enough to read aloud to poor, dumb Johnny all about how it feels to be married to an insufferable, egomaniacal asshole like him!

Speaking of healthy, stable marriages, the only thing shakier than John McCain and Sarah Palin's political "marriage" was the real one between the old man and Cindy.

According to the authors, McCain strategist John Weaver suspected the rumor that Cindy McCain had a "long-term boyfriend in Arizona was rooted in truth." Hmmm, perhaps the fact that the pair had been sighted all over town in the last few years was a tip-off?

But either way, our delightful almost-First Family "fought in front of others, during small meetings and before large events, to the amazement and discomfort of the staff."

Apparently, Cindy McCain accused the senator of ruining her life, that she never wanted him to run again for president, and that "when it came time to film campaign videos of the couple, the camera crews had to roll for hours to capture a few minutes of warmth." Adorable!

Compared to the other candidates' trainwreck lives, the Clintons' unique relationship almost seems like a functional one. Almost.

Turns out, Hillary Clinton, or Hillaryland as the former First Lady's inner circle was known, was full of distrust, secrets, betrayals, and a more than sneaking suspicion that hubby Bill's sporadic outbursts and unnaturally red face may not be the only issues the campaign need worry about.

Could Billy's Willy be once again rearing its ugly head?

Clinton's "war room within a war room"--which she put together to deal with questions about her husband's "libido"--became convinced in 2006 that Billy boy was having a serious extramarital affair, prompting Hillrod to instruct her aides to be prepared to combat the story (should for some crazy reason it be proven true).

Bill's wandering eye, followed by Lord knows wandering what-else, was also apparently the reason Hillary came thisclose to turning down the Secretary of State job, until a late-night call between her and Obama convinced her to take the gig, despite her concerns over that incorrigible hubby of hers, Bill.

"You know I can't control him, and at some point he'll be a problem" Clinton told Obama who assured her that he was willing to take that risk.

A gamblin' man, eh? Truth is, he's handled bigger dicks than that before (usually with the last name Cheney), but then again Cheney never belittled Barry by scoffing that "a few years ago, this guy would have been getting us coffee."

Which brings us to the coffee-fetcher turned commander-in-chief, Barack Hussein Obama.

The authors describe the Obamas' marriage as a model one, "Obama adored his wife and didn't even bother to pretend that he enjoyed anyone else's company remotely as much as he relished being with her and their daughters." The weasel!

Wait, it gets worse.

"Barack Obama is the only principal whose aides do not experience moments of suspicion--or, in the cases of Edwards and Palin, weeks of certainty--that their candidate is unfit for the office that he or she seeks. Only the future President is exactly what he seemed to be: calm, determined, a little aloof, immune to the snares of anger or vengefulness."

"Game Change leaves one reassured that the voters, given the choices before them, chose well."

Yeah, if they wanted a boring, smart, sane man who loves his wife and family, and makes decisions based on fact and rationality, not to cover up the demented sh*tshow that is their lives, as leader of the free world.

Guess you could say normal is the new rogue.

Bubba's Health Care Tip To Barry: Grow A Pair

When you're single-handedly responsible for saving two frightened Asian-American lady journalists from the pint-sized dungeon master of the bad Korea, you basically earn the right to do and say whatever you please for the next, oh, six months or so. At least.

It also helps if you happen to be a former president who also tried to get health care reform passed in the mid-1990s, only to see it shot down by a lethal combination of catching a couple of adulterous BJs in the Oval Office and a Republican majority in Congress.

But compared to the bullsh*t Bubba had to deal with, Barack Obama ain't got nothin' to worry about! And if there's anyone who knows a few things about messing up--and as such--how to occasionally avoid making said mistakes, it is none other than William Jefferson Clinton.

So listen up Barry and take it from someone who knows: The Republicans ain't got sh*t on you!

For starters, stop caring so damn much what those wacko Republicans think: they don't have the numbers, so they don't mean squat. Unlike when he was trying to pass health care reform and had to deal with that fat, pain-in-the-butt Newt character instead of a nice, attractive, albeit wide-eyed lady named Nancy.

"All we have to worry about is getting things done and doing them as well as we can," Clinton said. "Don't even worry about the Republicans. Let them figure out what they're going to stand for. 'Cause as long as they're sitting around waiting for us to mess up, they don't have a chance."

This time Bubba knows, "It's going to have a different ending — he's going to get health care reform."

"The broad canvas is that the Republicans are trying to figure out whether to keep playing their old songs or try to write a new script," he said. "Meanwhile, they're hoping this president will fail, and they're trying to spook the Democrats from the more vulnerable districts into helping him fail."

Don't be silly guys. The Dems don't need any help failing. They're perfectly capable of doing that all by themselves!

Though, I guess sometimes it's hard to resist the urge to spook the hell out of everybody for no reason at all. But hell, what are Republicans for anyway?

John Ensign Is Nothing Like Bill Clinton, Except For Cheating On His Wife

One thing we know for certain about John Ensign is that he is not Bill Clinton.

Sure, he was banging his buddy's wife and former campaign aide Cynthia Hampton for a good six months or so before getting caught (oops!) and begging his megarich, stud parents to bail his philandering ass out by paying the Hampton Family $96,000 in hush money. Or, as the Ensign's like to call it, "generous gifts in the form of eight $12,000 checks to Doug, Cindy and two of their children out of concern for the well-being of long-time family friends during a difficult time" and also so the sum wouldn’t have to be declared as taxable income. Neat trick!

But unlike that slimeball Bill Clinton who absolutely deserved to be impeached as President of the United States for his sordid affair, Ensign's sexual indiscretion is totally cool because he "didn’t lie under oath like Clinton did and hasn't done anything legally wrong."

Thus, he is fully justified in voting to throw Clinton's sleazy ass out of office for getting blown in the White House in '98 but refusing to do the same now that it's his charming sexcapades and resignation everyone is talking about!

Sometimes sorry is just not good enough!

"President Clinton stood right before the American people and he lied to the American people," Ensign said. "You remember that famous day he lied to the American people, plus the fact I thought he suborned perjury. That's why I voted for the articles of impeachment."

Not because he's a lying, two-faced fraud and pathetic hypocrite who had to have Mommy and Daddy save him from the consequences of letting li'l Johnny down there run things instead of the morally crusading, 51-year-old beloved Nevada senator, who as a former member of the House, crucified Bill Clinton because his impeccable character, pure heart, and honorable conduct qualified him to make such weighty moral judgments about others.

Aw Snap! Hillary Lets World Know Which Clinton Wears The Pants Now

Poor old Hillary Clinton just cannot get a break. First her limelight-hogging husband Bill swoops in to rescue those two lady journalists from the bad Korea and become a world-wide hero, while Madam Secretary sat alone on the sidelines with no one but Al Gore to comfort her.

Now, Hillary travels all the way to Africa, specifically to the Democratic Republic of Congo, to get a little Sec. of State love and all anyone can ask her is "What Would Bill Do?" It's enough to drive a gal crazy!

So while Hillrod is innocently taking questions in Kinshasa (of all places!), some insensitive Congolese university student had the gall to "ask her for her husband's thinking on an international financial matter."

“You want me to tell you what my husband thinks?” a stunned Hillary replied when the male student asked her what “Mr. Clinton” thought of World Bank concerns about a multi-billion-dollar Chinese loan offer to the Congo.

"My husband is not secretary of state, I am," an obviously irritated Clinton said. “If you want my opinion, I will tell you my opinion. I am not going to be channeling my husband.”

But that's not even the funny part. Turns out the student's translator misspoke, accidentally asking what Bill Clinton, and not President Obama, thought about a possible Chinese loan to the Congo. Oops!

Of course, everyone knows the question "touched a nerve" because Hillary is trying to raise awareness about the plight of women in Africa on her trip, and she can kiss all that goodbye because no one will ever respect women after that little faux pas.

So thank you Bill Clinton for allowing the rape epidemic in Africa to continue unabated all because your wife resents your stupid humanitarian efforts or whatever you wanna call them and, at least in the eyes of Congolese university students, can't even keep her own damn husband straight.

Stupid women.

Hero Bill Clinton Frees Ladies From Pint-Sized Dungeon Master

Mission Accomplished!

Bill Clinton saves journalism! Okay, well not exactly, but he did save those two American journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, from 12 years of HARD LABOR in some crazy North Korean prison camp.

In a hush-hush, secret mission to secure the journalists' release, America sent its best schmoozer William Jefferson Clinton to sweet-talk Kim Jong Il into reconsidering the harsh sentence and issuing a "special pardon" for the jailed reporters. The kind of pardon only a "special" kind of dictator can give.

So, basically a giant Bill Clinton is sent to the bad Korea to chat up its tiny but unhinged leader Kim Jong Il into believing Euna Lee and Laura Ling were not engaging in "hostile acts" as sworn enemies of the state but simply two scared, lost journalists who accidentally wandered in while working for an old pal of his, Al Gore's hippy-dippy TV channel Current.

Good guy, that Al. You remember Al, don't you? The boring stiff with no personality who became vice-president, invented the Internets, lost the White House, then saved Mother Earth? Sure, he can be a bit stand-offish but he didn't mean any harm. Trust me, the guy wouldn't hurt a fly. No joke. Besides, the journalists were both from San Francisco and you know those kooky Californians!

Anyway, to make a long story short, Slick Willy worked his magic on Kim Jong Il, winning the release of the two young journalists, Euna and Laura, with his wit, charm, and savvy diplomacy like pretending this visit means North Korea is not some dangerous Hermit Kingdom led by a diminutive demon with nuclear aspirations and deteriorating health.

Clinton apologized on behalf of the women (honest mistake!), relayed President Barack Obama's deep gratitude, praised their release as proof of North Korea's "humanitarian and peace-loving policy" (their words) and said the visit would "contribute to deepening the understanding" between North Korea and the United States. Scout's honor.

And for his troubles, our hero Bill Clinton will have the pleasure of spending the next 5,946 miles or 10 hours and 50 minutes accompanying two, attractive Asian women--giddy with the freedom they owe to the brave, tireless efforts of a certain former president. Who just may have a thing for Asians.

All The President's Men

Let's Do Lunch!

On Wednesday, departing President George W. Bush and President-elect Barack Obama will sit down for a meeting in the Oval Office (oooh, fancy!) before joining the three living former presidents, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush and Jimmy Carter for a historic, if not occasionally awkward lunch.

The gathering, less than two weeks before Bush and his wife Laura leave the White House for their cozy, new palace in Dallas, was actually Obama's idea (duh!) but Bush "readily agreed," marking the first time all living presidents have gotten together at the White House since 1981.

And it should be quite some gathering.

Anytime you take one bumbling outgoing president, add the exact opposite to replace him, throw in an overbearing, slightly less disastrous father, a soft-spoken southern evangelical with anti-Semitic tendencies, and a charming sex-addict desperate to be back in the White House, you know it's gonna be good.

The only question is who gets stuck next to Carter?

Saxby "Big Daddy" Chambliss Wins Georgia Senate Race; Saves Republicans From Total Irrelevance

Guess what, folks?

Saxby "Big Daddy" Chambliss is no longer just a weird, boob-grabbing pervert, he is now also the proud winner of Georgia's runoff senate election against boring Democratic nuisance Jim Martin. And it only took him two tries!

Well, Saxby, my man, you've finally earned it. We knew that loser James "Jim" Martin didn't stand a chance once you unleashed the whole fine-lookin' Chambliss clan on the public with that brilliant and not-at-all creepy thanksgiving ad.

But just to be on the safe side and make sure the godless Democrats don't get one step closer to their holy supermajority of 60 filibuster-proof, GOP ass kickin' seats, the Republicans brought out the Big Guns for Mr. "Big Daddy" Saxby.

Republican superstar Sarah Louise Palin headlined a four-rally blitzkrieg across the state on Monday, one of the fine Alaskan wonder's many appearances for Chambliss.

The whole GOP gang reunited to campaign on Chambliss' behalf, with fan favorites Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, and, even the old maverick himself, John S. McCain, rallying voters in Georgia to take a last-stand against the terrifying Socialist Democratic takeover of the United States.

Democrats tried their "best" to win another seat (how many does that make?) and further humiliate the already-defeated Republican party.

Sure, Barack Obama may have declined Jim "No One Cares" Martin's request to personally campaign on his behalf, but he had other things to do like run the country and pretend that anyone actually believes Bush is really the president.

Besides, it's not like Obama didn't do anything to help Mr. Jim Martin bring some Democratic flavor to the dirty South.

He did record a radio ad for Martin and even lent some celebrity street-cred with the unstoppable one-two punch of Mr. William Jefferson Clinton and...Al Gore!

That's right, Al Gore!

Anyone? Anyone?

Well, At Least Jimbo's Handling The Loss Well!

Will Bill's Antics Be Hillary's Undoing (Yet Again)?

The Lady Accepts--Or Does She?

While us slouches here in the U.S. media were apparently twiddling our thumbs, our overseas source for breaking U.S. political news, the Guardian, was busy getting the scoop on America's fave scorned heroine (now that that hussy Sarah Palin's finally gone back to Siberia or wherever the hell she's from).

Are you ready for it??

Although she knows she'd still make the best commander-in-chief, Hillary Rodham Clinton has humbly decided to accept Barack Obama's Secretary of State offering! If you believe British newspapers, that is.

For those of you who prefer homegrown news sources, the Washington Post has a slightly different take:

"If Sen. Clinton can sort out her husband's global work -- which has made him an international philanthropic powerhouse but also earned him millions in speaking fees from foreign companies, creating obvious potential conflicts-of-interest -- she would have a good, if not completely certain, shot at it."

So basically if Hill can keep a leash on hubby Bill and all the drama surrounding his many foreign entanglements, she can have the job.

Looks like Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton will be back in Congress after all!

Bill Clinton Headlines Obamapalooza's Florida Show

Barack And Bubba: Together Again!

The Obama Variety Show took its terrorist-hope act on the road last night for an encore performance in Florida featuring that other "black" superstar of the Democratic Party, Bill Clinton.

But there was something decidedly different about this joint Obama-Clinton appearance. There were no awkwardly forced smiles masking a deep resentment, no thick tension permeating the air, threatening to derail the hopes of the entire Party.

Bill's face even managed to maintain its normal ruddy hue, instead of morphing into that strange Violet Beauregarde shade of seething fuschia rage that happens whenever he feels power slipping from his grasp.

On this historic night in Orlando, William Jefferson Clinton took to the stage and actually endorsed Barack Obama, with dare I even say it, enthusiasm (gasp)!



It wasn't easy getting Bubba to play nice and accept the fact that this lanky dude with the weird Muslim-y name indeed is the Party's Great non-White Hope.

But Mr. Slick Obama knew exactly how to get Clinton feeling all warm and fuzzy and loved enough to come out and verbalize his support for the "fairy tale" that is the Democratic presidential nominee.

A few obligatory kind words about how much he learned from Bill's hell-raiser of a wife, peppered with some ego-stroking adjectives for the man himself, like "great president," "statesman," and "beloved around the world," was enough to make Bubba putty in Obama's hands.