Multi-Millionaire Republicans Simply Cannot Afford Obama’s Socialist Rich People Tax

While Republicans, like Louisiana Rep. John Fleming, were busy whining about how $6.3 million a year just ain't what it used to be (I mean who do you have to screw to get some freakin' foie gras!?), President of Socialism, Barack Obama, was busy concocting his evil plan to reduce the ballooning deficit by having the (black) balls big enough to ask precious multi-millionaires and billionaires to actually pay their fair share of taxes instead of just making dumb poor and old people collect bottle caps and harvest their own organs to do it.

Ugh, the nerve!

Ignoring yet another meaningless warning from Republicans against terrible Commie tax increases, President Obama unveiled his new deficit-reduction plan, "The Buffett Rule," forcing the nation's wealthiest one percent to give half their salaries, in cold-hard cash, to the Nation of Islam, greenpeace loving halogen lightbulb manufacturers fix the crumbling economy and close the ever-widening gap between the wonderful, virtuous rich and revolting, needy poor. Or something like that.

President Obama on Monday will call for a new minimum tax rate for individuals making more than $1 million a year to ensure that they pay at least the same percentage of their earnings as middle-income taxpayers.

In remarks in the White House Rose Garden, Obama drew stark contrasts between Republican's penchant for backing "tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires" while requiring seniors, the middle class and the poor to tighten their belts and accept sacrifices.

"During this past decade, profligate spending in Washington, tax cuts into multi-millionaires and billionaires, and two wars have turned a record surplus into a massive deficit," Obama said. "If we don't act, the debt will eventually crowd out everything else, eventually affecting us from investing in things like education and Medicaid. We need to cut what we can't afford to pay for things we need."

And what we need is bigger tax breaks for über-rich corporations! I mean seriously, what else should we do, let Rep. John Walsh and his family starve to death on his hobo salary of $400,000 after adjusting for whatever the hell else he does with the remainder of the paltry $6.3 million he annually pockets from his various Subway and UPS franchises (accidentally order the five (hundred) dollar footlong?).

Well, some people (Republicans) simply will not stand for this class warfare! Asking the perfect, morally flawless job creators like corporate CEOs, oil barons, and heiresses to give the big bad gubmint their hard-earned money is simply outrageous. What the hell does this look like, Soviet Russia or something?

"This plan eliminates tax loopholes that primarily go to the largest business and corporations--tax breaks that small businesses and middle class Americans don't have to pay," Obama said. "We can't afford these special lower rates for the wealthy, which by the way, were initially talked about as temporary measures."
"Either we have to ask the wealthy to pay their fair share, or we have to ask seniors to pay more for medicare, or gut education. This is not class warfare. It's math."

Exactly! After all, the only thing scarier to Republicans than gross poor people is gross numbers. Though, I guess as a compromise, we could always just propose gutting Republicans instead!?

Finally, a solution we can all swallow!

Plus, on the bright side, unlike John Fleming's enormous family of ravenous, $200,000/year truffle-stuffing gluttons, we'll finally have something to shove down our pie holes that doesn't cost four times what the average American schlub makes in an entire year.

Winning!

Put This In The Brilliant Ideas Department: Sarah Palin Fans Plan To Simultaneously Pull Over To The Side Of The Road For Some Dumb Reason Or Another

What would you do, if you were a tea 'n freedom lovin' patriot who despises NObama, adores Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, is borderline obsessed with Sarah Palin, and wanted to make a really BIG statement?

Well, one patriotic, Palin-worshiping group of conservative kooks 'n cranks, Stand Up America, is encouraging all Jeebus-lovin' Americans not otherwise occupied with a job, kids, or responsibility of any kind, to get in their cars, trucks, RV's, 4x4's, tractor-trailers, motorcycles, mopeds, jalopies, socialist medicare scooters, or whatever it is angry, overweight, white, real Americans drive, and head over "to their nearest highway or main route" on March 13 at 4 p.m. Eastern time, and then abruptly stop and pull over to the side of the road, presumably causing all sorts of terrible traffic jams and car accidents for freedom.

For what, you wonder?

"Sarah Palin called the Obama Administration’s actions the ‘Road to Ruin’!"

Umm, yes, that one sentence tells this wonderful group what it's next big move should be on traffic-filled streets and bustling highways. Hooray!

"So how do we make our voices known? How do we finally succeed? How do we send a clear message that cannot be twisted by the media, misinterpreted by politicians, or co-opted by Obama apologists?"

Oooh, ooh, I know! How about, act like crazed madmen on dangerous freeways and highways all across roadside America??

"It won’t cost you any money short of a gallon of gas. It won’t take much of your time, only about an hour. It won’t mean travel to distant cities. It won’t mean crowds to wade through, and it won’t interfere with your life too much."

Yes, life. Ya know, the stuff you do when not polishing your pistol to a glistening shine and/or panicking about a certain chocolatey-hued menace in the once-pure White House.

"What it will be is FUN, and a great way to vent your frustration, without being labeled, or maligned!"

Or noticed, even!

Are you ready, patriots?

• We want everyone to get into their cars, trucks, motorcycles, RVs, Semis, box trucks, and any other vehicle, and drive to your nearest highway or main route;
• Don’t go far, just enough to get in a safe position to pull over to the shoulder, and park, engine running, headlights and flashers on;
• Imagine others driving by wondering “what the heck”? Wave to everyone;
• Get ten friends to do the same; or go to an over pass and hang temporary signs saying – “Time to stop!” Just imagine the imagery! But be SAFE!
• Once pulled over to the side, place calls or texts to your friends, take pictures, send tweets, flood Facebook with messages and photos, along with several million others on other highways across the land.
• Stay one hour if you can, get your friends to do the same, line up all your vehicles in a safe manner as far off the side as you can, and hit your horns.
• One hour gives the media a chance to react, a chance to get footage. Imagine the traffic reports!
• Hang a sign inside your back window, or use temporary soap to write a message safely on the window;
• Be a part of millions of people saying: “Stop the madness, we are pulling over and just stopping!”

HONK IF YOU HATE SECRET MUSLIM TERRORIST SOCIALISTS FROM KENYA!

Imagine the image, when every news outlet in the USA must take notice. (Every=Fox News!)

Helicopters recording the event, YouTube filling with videos from every spot in America, with one message: “Just Stop”! Imagine seeing 300 cars pulled over for miles in California, in Texas, in New Jersey…etc.

Imagine the evening news and cable stations saying, “What the heck is going on?”

Do the math. If a car is 17 feet long, and 10 feet is maintained between each vehicle, it takes only 195 cars to stretch one mile. Imagine 500 tractor trailers pulling over for one hour! That’s over seven miles!

Yes, do the math! And realize that if you weren't dumb-as-donkeys and could actually add/multiply/divide numbers, you'd also realize that even a million dirty, old, broken-down vehicles sparsely dotting the roadsides of America wouldn’t create a disturbance, because the highways are already littered with dirty, old, broken-down station wagons and abandoned Ford pintos.

Be SAFE though! And remember, don't do anything illegal!
• Be respectful, and patriotic to a fault;
• Stay away from congested areas, you know where they are, do some research;
• Leave plenty of room so you can pull back out safely, in turn, one-at-a-time;
• Help each other when stopping or starting back out into traffic lanes;
• Be courteous to your fellow “Stoppers”;
• Do not do anything illegal, and do not get out and walk, Observe and obey all laws;
• Don’t cause any interference with the flow of traffic;
• Do not disobey any lawful order;
• Be the PATRIOTIC icon of virtue that you are!
• BE SAFE!!!
"We are on the 'Road to Ruin', and we are stopping on the side of that road to protest the downfall of our country! We are not going to drive on that road anymore!"

And neither are you! Thanks to Stand Up America's beautiful, collective dream, where confused, frightened motorists having car trouble on the highway wouldn't have so much as a single inch of room to safely pull their smoking vehicle over to the shoulder, causing moose piles of accidents, fatalities and massive 50-car pile ups, along with bumper-to-bumper traffic jams from sea to shining sea.

Which, if all goes well, should finally bring the necessary attention to some stupid, meaningless line Sarah Palin once muttered, probably right before unceremoniously firing the talentless, sadsack ghostwriter who penned it.

Not to mention that hopping from motorized scooter to Ford F150 to Winnebago is the closest these "Stand Up Americans" can actually get to 'Standing Up!'

Someone better alert Cracker Barrel, they're in for a loooooong Sunday!

Acting like a complete idiot sure makes a person hungry!

Schemes From My Father: Newt Gingrich Knows Those Who "Understand" Obama Are Nothing More Than Radical, Kenyan Anti-Colonialists

Actual insane person and amphibeous swamp dweller Newt Gingrich has been searching all weekend for something, anything, to make himself finally look relevant again, ever since his crusade against Oval Office blow jobs came to a screeching halt back in 1999, when some dude with silver hair and a weird name singing about women's thongs ruled the charts, and some dude with white hair and a weird name preaching about presidents catching some under-the-table-love was on his way out of ruling the House.

So, like any washed up, power hungry, (ego)maniac desperately clinging to the glory days of the past, cute-as-a-salamander Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich delved deep into the internets, taking a break from his usual browsing of various dating sites for "new young women without cancer for affairs and maybe more," to seek the holy grail of demented Obama lies in the form of an obscure Forbes magazine article written by none other than esteemed right-wing nutjob andtoken, self-hating, brown, immigrant Republican, Dinesh D’Souza, to prove to America, once and for all, the real truth about a one Barack Hussein Obama/Barry Soetero.

But just what are these startling new facts unearthed by Dinesh D'Souza (the kind of dark person from another country you can trust, if you hate dark people from other countries) that 2012 GOP hopeful and newfound historian/scholar/journalist Newt Gingrich is calling "the most profound insight I have read in the last six years about Barack Obama." Oooh, sounds promising!

Drum roll please!

Barack Obama's central motivation is to weaken America, viewing it as an evil colonial power: "Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son."

Did you hear that, people? Barack Obama is ruining America in order to realize the socialist, anti-colonialist dreams of his drunk-driving, wife-beating polygamist African old man (who he barely knew), Barack Hussein Obama, Sr.,whose absence defined his young life more than anything else, en route to fulfilling the actual, not pulled out of Dinesh D'Souza's ass, dreams of his father to promote "a reformist accommodation and cooperation with the West, and do away with what he considered Kenya's flawed socialist economic model."

If you're the type of perosn who is blown away by utter and total nonsense culled from the possibly syphilitic-brain of Birthers and other raging madmen, then like Newton, you also probably find yourself asking this serious follow-up question:

"What if [Obama] is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]?" Gingrich asks. "That is the most accurate, predictive model for his behavior."

Well, the correct answer is clearly YES, based on the enlightened findings of the same foreigny-named wingnut who helped us understand that 9/11 is the fault of the "cultural Left," whose deviant lifestyle of homosinuality, abortion, and equality for women understandably repulses the good, decent, moral Islamic extremists who, as a result, rightfully plowed two planes into the Twin Towers to show the world their contempt for impure societies that refuse to behead/stone to death/pour acid on disobediant women and children. Duh!

But just what does this mean for the rest of us who happen to actually comprehend Obama's position on things? Well, according to Newt logic, we must all be rabid Kenyan anti-colonialists, fulfilling the deviant wishes of our Luo tribesman fathers.

Of course, some people in America may be upset to learn that by voting for Obama Junior-Senior-Squire-Lawyer-Community Organizer-Radical Black Panther-Patron Saint of Socialism, two years ago and/or supporting policies like affordable health care, tax cuts for those besides oil shieks and companies that Dick Cheney chairs, spending money on education and infrastructure not endless wars on whims or double dares, and equality for those not just white, over the age of 60, and lounging in retimerment/gated communities in Florida or Arizona, wearing too-tight swimming trunks up to their man breasts and a beer belly as a badge of courage, then you too have fallen victim to the transcontinental conspiracy known simply as Barry or B. Hussein Jr/Sr(?), depending on which fringe segment of the population your 2012 hopes are contingent upon pandering to.

“I think he worked very hard at being a person who is normal, reasonable, moderate, bipartisan, transparent, accommodating — none of which was true,” Gingrich continues. “In the [Saul] Alinksy tradition, he was being the person he needed to be in order to achieve the position he needed to achieve …. He was authentically dishonest.”

Oooh, good thing, in addition to being the thrice-married, twice divorced, multi-adulterous, toxic slime covered expert on 'authentic dishonesty,' Newt Gingrich also happens to be the world's sole authority on curing the increasingly virulent Kenyan anti-colonialist disease rampaging from coast to coast these days.

To repair your brain's ability to separate actual facts from the deranged rantings of a demagogue's corroded mind and restore your God-given, Red, White, 'N Blue, Family Values American sensibilities, all you need to do is elect Newt as President of Life, err make that Everything, come 2012.

It's as easy as one, two, three cheating on your cancer stricken wife!

Fearful Iowa Teabaggers Fail To Heed Their Own Warning; Naively Forced To Remove Lovely Obama As Hitler Billboard

The lovely herb 'n spice patriots of the North Iowa Tea Party scoured pants pockets and couch cushions pooling their loose change together to let all of Mason City (and the world!) know that President Barack Obama is a terrible SOCIALIST just like his two BFF's Adolf Hitler and Vladimir Lenin.

But sure enough, as soon as pictures of this irrelevant eyesore in the middle of nowhere warning motorists that "Radical Leaders Prey on the Fearful & Naive" began circulating around the Internets, thanks to pesky liberal bloggers and other lamestream media types, the Teabaggers were tyrannically forced to take down their beautiful public service announcement.

Which is TERRIBLE! Because it seems the North Iowa Tea Party has forgotten its own billboards' motto and succumbed to the very two Socialist threats it was warning against: fear and naiveté!

They were naive and fearful (this is what socialists prey on!) and now they have been transformed into miserable comrades blindly following Führer NObama to certain doom, just like the rest of the Barrywashed American public. With nary a wingnut billboard to call their own!

Even the man behind this masterpiece North Iowa Tea Party co-founder Bob Johnson concedes the sign's crazy pictures and inflammatory rhetoric may be getting in the way of its intended message — presumably a very sophisticated and level-headed comparison of Obama to a Nazi mass murderer and Marxist Revolutionary.

“It is not disrespectful to Mr. Obama.  It’s a statement on his policy,” said Bob. “It’s a statement on his policies.”

Because Bob will not, no make that cannot, stand by and watch as Obama murders Jews or Grandmas or special needs babies with check-ups and affordable prescriptions! Hell no! NEVER AGAIN!

So let's all take a moment to reflect on this this terrible turn of events and remember what happens when we let our gubmint adjust its public policy based on the discretion of the administration elected by the people to do just this: the death of Democracy, rise of an evil, tyrannical system of government, and oodles of bloody genocide.

Let's get on our knees and pray that Failure-in-Chief NObama continues to face Grand Old Obstruction from the Grand Old Patriots trying to get all his terrible Socialist things, like helping the poors not die or go bankrupt from predatory loans, passed in Congress before he is rightfully tossed out of office in humiliating defeat come 2012.

Then American can (finally!) breathe a collective sigh of relief knowing that we are once again safe from these two guys who died over half a century ago, yet continue to live on in our nation's first illegal Kenyan Muslim Terrorist Black Socialist President.

In other words, Hitler with a jump shot and maniacal desire not to exterminate world Jewry but flagrant corporate abuses, as part of his deviant plot to take over the world one affordable doctor's visit and honest business practice at a time.

The maniac!

What's Gross, Creepy, Slimy & Makes You Shudder All Over? A Nazi-Spewin' Newt Goin' Off The Deep End

Heil Newt?

Lovable amphibian-named pinnacle of reason and truth, Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich will say and do just about anything to get someone, anyone, to pay attention to what he, a thrice-married, twice divorced, multi-adulterous, washed-up former Republican Speaker of the House has to say about the current state of things, here in NObama's America, if you can even call this Socialist, Nazi hellhole America anymore.

You see, Newt has kept himself quite busy since his unceremonious resignation from his House seat and Speaker role over a DECADE ago, when thanks to his savvy leadership and smart policies of "Hell No!" and "Bill Clinton Die!" (while secretly sticking it to his own li'l office muffin), Republicans began hemorrhaging seats right, left, and every which way, and Newt was kindly asked to scram his hypocritical, enormous behind the hell out of Washington, DC.

But you betcha Newt has surely been doing very important things since his humiliating defeat way back in 1998, when Congress was charged with the critical national security task of figuring out all the mysterious things a Democratic president can do with a Cuban cigar, a certain intern ladies' hooha, and a few minutes of spare time.

Very important things like heading a health care lobbying firm to make sure the gross poors die in the streets where they belong, not nice, warm hospitals for decent, hardworking Americans who don't push their houses around in a grocery cart, whoring himself out to oil companies as their affable, white-haired spokesbaby to “Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less," and all those other awesome undersea adventures that happen when lining your nation's coastlines with offshore oil rigs no one checks or regulates because that doesn't help Newt get richer, baby richer!

But, on the bright side, you do get scores of delicious oil-soaked marine animals washing up on beaches up and down the Gulf Coast, from Florida to Mississippi to Louisiana, which can be tons of fun in it's own right!

But lining his pocket with millions in dirty oil money and dead dolphins isn't all Newt's been doing since departing from relevance as dear House Speaker. Not by a long shot!

Sir Newton has also been a highly-sought-after GOP adviser, doling out his trademark words of wisdom on everything from how to deny climate change (its easy if you try!) to help budding young conservative stars and longtime (orange) faces of the current minority Grand Obstructionist Party remain as disingenuous, deranged, and ultimately as successful in their desperate, maniacal quest for power as he was.Yay!

Newt has even put his years of tireless dedication and political know-how into the latest, greatest Pulitzer-worthy book from a Republican, not nicknamed after a terrifying aquatic creature, like, say a Barracuda, the soon-to-be legendary, To Save America, likely the second most important book in all of history, behind $arah Palin's 432-word tribute to her bank account, Goin' Rogue.

In this shining gem of truth and enlightenment, To Save America, Newt needn't bother with silly liberal lies, myths, or crazy figments of Al Gore's imagination like climate change or other concocted threats to America's security nobody but hippies, heathens, or arugula-eating elitists with advanced degrees in science believe anyway.

Puh-lease! Newt has much bigger fish to fry (in delicious oil?) than trying to preserve some dumb swirling blue third planet from the Sun (which is probably just Jesus glowing anyway, not some radioactive, helium and hydrogen superstar with a mass 330,000 times that of Earth, or about the size of Newt's ego).

Like saving this blessed red, white, and blue Union (of puritans) from evil Obama and the congressional Democrats' "secular-socialist machine" that "represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union."

VAN SUSTEREN: All right, Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union. Go a little far on that one?

GINGRICH: No. Because I’m not talking about moral equivalence of the people, I’m talking about the end result. If the Nazis had defeated us, then America as we know it would have disappeared. If the Soviet Union had defeated us, the America as we know it would have disappeared. I argue in this book—and I think it’s a pretty reasoned and compelling argument—that the fact is, the values of a secular socialist movement are antithetical—and you hear from President Obama all the time. … The secular socialist left doesn’t want God anywhere in public life and doesn’t want to acknowledge God anywhere in public life.

And since terrible Chairman ObaMAO actually believes in the constitutional separation of church and state (kinda like those "fathers" Newt and the rest of the human bags of Lipton love referencing so much), Newt is 100%  positive America will undoubtedly find itself on that slippery slope of rounding up and mass-murdering millions of innocent Jews, Gypsies, intellectuals, homosexuals, disabled, and elderly all in the name of the Aryan master race and achieving God's vision of a perfect, pure world.

Of course, Gingrich's "reasoned and compelling" argument for this alleged new Hitler with a jumpshot consists of sound, factual evidence, such as the voices in his head buzzing "Socialism" and "universal health care" and "helping poor people not die or go bankrupt" every time he closes he eyes at night, after his nanny lulls him to gentle sleep with a nice story about the good ol' days when America was mighty and strong and run by a real Christian leader with a rudimentary understanding of the English language and even less idea about running a country (to the ground?) or how to be a president (play golf and go on cool airplane rides with beds in them while giving unwanted back rubs to German lady prime ministers?).

WALLACE: So — but you compare that to the Nazis and the Communists?

GINGRICH: I compare that as a threat.

Who knows what kind of Holocausts will arise from the terrible government regulating the saints and do-gooders in the health insurance and oil industries who want nothing more than to make this world a better place for themselves, their children, and their children's children. Not included, of course, are those other "children" who didn't make it, thanks to exorbitant medical costs, sudden dropped coverage, lack of existing coverage, skyrocketing premiums, and other perfectly logical reasons why they're sorry to inform you that li'l Johnny's leukemia is no longer covered, but thanks for your life-savings anyway.

Oh, and you know that house of yours, yeah, we're gonna need to take that too. Don't hate us, we're just doing what God and the free market, and hidden fees, and duplicitous politicians and business schemes, (and billions of dollars in bonuses) would want us to do.

Newt just gets it! Which is precisely why he, like fellow messenger of Divinity, Glenn Beck, have found themselves suddenly stricken with a severe case of Nazi Tourettes, with the index of Newt's rational, fact-based book citing Nazi references eight times, each linking the Obama administration's progressivism and much-needed brand of social justice to Nazi Germany policies of Zyclon B gas chambers and total extermination.

Because who better to highlight the evil tendencies of humankind, namely of some dumb community organizer from Kenya or Chicago or Satan's womb, than a God-loving man named after a slimy, unsightly, pea-brained evolutionary freak of both land and sea, who was lovingly divorcing his various wives while they were recovering from cancer, all the while diddling his hot li'l GOP secretary on the sly, and prattling on about that Democratic Führer famous for his brilliant Oral Oratory skills.

No, not Obama silly, Bill Clinton!

Teabaggers to Feign Violent Death in Senate Offices Because of ???

It has been well over a month since intelligent, freedom-loving men and women from across this great land don their colonial best, polish their guns to glistening perfection, and march on Capitol Hill to toss teabags at our elected officials because of their plans to put Grandma out of her misery and also help average Americans not die simply for being poor.

But luckily for us, the Teabaggers have a brilliant new strategy to stop this out-of-control Congress hell-bent on Socialism. Which means next Tuesday it's the Senate's turn to feel the furious wrath of a teabagger scorned.

Real American folks will storm into Senate office buildings and exercise their right to act like a bunch of morons, by moaning and shrieking in agonizing pain before falling to the floor lifeless, as part of their ingenious "pretend to die" plan.

The latest call to arms from the Teabaggers' website, sponsored by former Republican House majority leader, freedom-fighting lobbyist and still-embarrassingly, albeit appropriately named, Dick Armey:

So here’s the plan. On Tuesday, December 15 at 8:45 AM thousands of us will meet in Washington, DC at the fountain in Upper Senate Park. From there we will march to the Senate offices, go inside, and demonstrate our opposition to the government takeover of health care. We call this plan “Government Waiting Rooms”. The intention is to go inside the Senate offices and hallways, and play out the role of patients waiting for treatment in government controlled medical facilities. As the day goes on some of us will pretend to die from our untreated illnesses and collapse on the floor. Many of us plan to stay there until they force us to leave. A backup location for this demonstration will be announced if they block us from entering the offices.

We need as many of you as possible to be there to make our point loudly and clearly. Please make plans to attend. We know it’s a sacrifice to do this right before Christmas. But throughout history American Patriots have made far greater sacrifices than this to protect our liberty. Now the burden (and the honor) falls on us.

So please, please bring your best "death by _____" (fill in the blank with dreaded disease of your choosing) skills as part of this massive performance art piece to show America what happens when desperate nutjobs gather together to fake their deaths in collective unison for freedom.

But remember people, if you're going to pretend to go into hemorrhagic shock outside the office of Harry Reid, you better spend some time on WebMD so you know what you're talking dying about.

And no, death by chocolate does NOT count as a legitimate demise.

That said, shotgun on Ebola!

Sen. Charles Grassley is Fond of Tits, Particularly the Public Kind

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) is no stranger to saying ridiculous things about that terrible Barry man via his rather loose mouth or fast-flying Twitter-trained fingers.

Ol' Grassley also never passes up an opportunity to use his favoritest word "tit" whenever he humors sniveling, snot-faced journalists with his distinct oratory talents.

Like on C-SPAN's Washington Journal this morning, when Grassley attempts to reconcile his desperate, confusing life shrieking about the socialism that is health care reform while living off the fat of his (government subsidized) land for the past 50 or so years.

Grassley's response after a caller argued that as a public official, Grassley has been, in some ways, living off the government, including government subsidies on his farm:

GRASSLEY: For the first 16 years I made $3,000 every other year as a state legislator. Now do you expect me to live on $3,000 every other year? No I was a factory worker for 10 years and I was a farmer for that period of time and I farm with my son now. So if you’re trying to make a case that I’ve lived off the public tit all these years, I think you’re saying correctly in the years I’ve been in the Congress but not the years before I came to Congress.

So basically the moral of the story is if you are trying to make the point that Grassley is a walking contradiction who talks out of both sides of his mouth, making outrageous remarks but but little sense, save your energy people!

Grassley can handle that all by himself. He's a big boy!

From Mama Grassley's tit to the taxpayers', Grassley's been sucking his entire life.

Rick Perry's Riding The Republican Crazy Train Right Off The Tracks

Hey look kids, its batsh*t crazy Governor of Texas Rick "I'm not a homosexual" Perry! You remember ol' Rick don't you? The beautifully-coiffed leader of Texas' secessionist movement and frequent special guest at many a Nazi teabagger rally to protest Comrade Barry's destruction of these beautiful United States.

Now, under normal circumstances, Gov. Perry isn't exactly what you'd call a friend to progress, or rational thought for that matter. But in the face of his upcoming gubernatorial primary against Kay Bailey Hutchinson, the man known affectionately as The Hair (sorry, Blago!) has officially hopped aboard the Republican crazy train. Full steam ahead!

In between wandering around the vast wilds of Texas trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator (you can usually find 'em wearing crotch-hugging jeans, a grease-stained bandana, and an "I Love Jesus" t-shirt), Slick Rick has pretty much lost his freakin' mind!

You see, Rick clearly just loves his state and his Confederacy country too much to let some swarthy man with a funny name and winning smile who's hellbent on Socialism turn this bountiful land into some Soviet wasteland.

As he explained to the lovely ladies at Midland County Republican Women's Luncheon:

"This administration, I think, is past doesn’t care about Texas — I think this administration is interested in punishing Texas…" (Eh, we'll just give you Bush back and call it even. Besides, another four years of Gov. Perry should do the trick.)

"I think it’s time to stand up. I say it’s time to make Tea Parties twice as big as what they were. I think it’s time for us to stand up and say [unintelligible] to Washington, DC, "we’re no longer going to accept that kind of stuff sitting down and being quiet." (Instead, we'll just shout unintelligible nonsense standing up!)

"This is an administration hell-bent on taking America towards a socialist country, and we ought not be afraid to say that, because that’s what it is…" (We ought not be afraid of calling them racist nutjobs either because that's what they are.)

"I think one of our greatest challenges and greatest works in front of us right now is to stop this administration in Washington, using whatever tools we have in our disposal…" (Like Hitler signs and graphic photos of Nazi concentration camp victims??)

"I am not bashful to get up and say I believe in the Tenth Amendment…" (Stop teasing us with secession threats Ricky, it gets our hopes up!)

"They’re talking about here’s how you’re going to deliver health care in your state…this is how it’s going to be…that scares me greatly…" (The nightmare of health care that's actually affordable--gasp!)

"This plan that they are putting before us will devastate this country and bankrupt our state, and if that ones not bad enough, go look at that cap and trade legislation that passed. You want to shut down Midland, Texas — that ought to be the shut down Midland, Texas legislation, not cap and trade. It’s going to cap something alright — it’s going to cap the economy of the entire southern United States."

Unless of course, someone can pop a cap in Barry's scrawny, socialist-lovin' ass first. Not that he would endorse such a move or anything. Violence is never the answer!

Just lightly veiled threats, inciting words and riding the wave of unfounded mass hysteria right into the governor's mansion. You know for Freedom!

Well, Well Look What The Cat Dragged In...

Former President turned exiled monk George W. Bush broke his vow of silence by giving a speech promising not to directly criticize the new president before proceeding to bash the hell out of the man's dumbass policies.

You see, Dubya is confident his administration's policies of war, torture, bankruptcy, and blind self-interest are responsible for the current wave of prosperity and joy the country is riding high upon.

So without tooting his horn too much, George thinks it would be wise to heed his advice and not let that Barry dude trick America into thinking he knows more than old Dubya about what this country needs.

And that for one does not include nationalizing the banks, auto industry, and other corporate icons of American business acumen. This is the mighty U.S. of A God Damn It not some socialist experiment in Soviet Russia.

"Government does not create wealth. The major role for the government is to create an environment where people take risks to expand the job rate in the United States."

Or in Bush's case, create an environment where predatory lenders and Wall Street fat cats take risks on subprime mortgages to expand their bank account.

If there's anything George knows, "It's going to be the private sector that leads this country out of the current economic times we're in. You can spend your money better than the government can spend your money."

Ah yes. but the question is, can you waste your money better than the government can?

"There are a lot of ways to remedy the situation without nationalizing health care. I worry about encouraging the government to replace the private sector when it comes to providing insurance for health care."

Duh. Everyone knows the private sector is perfectly capable of running industries without pesky government meddling. Just ask GM and Lehman Brothers. They'll tell you how well that worked out for them.

Fear Not America! Fox News Won't Let Comrade Barry Turn US Into USSR

Thank God for true American heroes like Fox's Glenn Beck.

If it wasn't for fearless patriots like him, who would be there to alert the public about Comrade Barry's socialist revolution and his deviant plot to turn America into the new Soviet Union?

No one.

If it wasn't for Glenn Beck's watchful eye, before you know it, you will be living in a country where health care is provided to all citizens, including ungrateful children (gasp!), bailed out executives no longer get millions of dollars for destroying companies and ruining lives, and unionized workers join together to demand fair pay and safe working conditions.

Yes, dear leader Barack Hussein Obama has turned America into Marxist Russia. So how long until Glenn Beck is shipped off to the Gulag?

Twenty years of hard labor in upper Siberia sounds about right.

Don't Worry, Glenn! There Will Be Plenty Of Dissidents To Keep You Company