It's Halloween In (Corporate) America! Do You Have Your Homeless Person Costume Yet?

When you think of the perfect Halloween costume, usually the first thing that comes to mind is something that really captures the terrifying reality and unimaginable desperation of homeless people, with no food to eat, clothes to wear, or even a roof over their heads. Because, seriously, what makes you want to dive into a king size Snickers and satisfy that hunger more than the hilarious suffering of the most downtrodden and desperate among us?

Well, to the employees at the foreclosure mill law offices of Steven J. Baum, the answer is absolutely nothing, because people too pathetically poor and down on their luck to keep their homes are worthless, gross "others" who deserve nothing but scorn, mockery, and our deepest contempt.

Nevermind that these same employees, or at least the ones pictured above, look like your average legal assistants, secretaries, paralegals, administrative assistants, receptionists, file clerks and low-level litigators, and are all probably behind on their own mortgages and much closer to financial catastrophe than they'd care to admit (the firm is in freakin' Buffalo, after all). The point is that in order to keep these workers content to keep toiling away as wage slaves to this utterly evil law firm, and work tirelessly against the interests of the rest of the nation’s wage slaves, they must dehumanize their neighbors and fellow citizens fighting foreclosure as sub-human specimens unworthy of even the slightest tinge of mercy or compassion.

Which reminds me of another group of willing executioners innocent li'l lemmings who didn't mean to exterminate six million Jews as if they were the bubonic plague or anything, but were simply following orders!

From The New York Times:

On Friday, the law firm of Steven J. Baum threw a Halloween party. The party is the firm’s big annual bash. Employees wear Halloween costumes to the office, where they party until around noon, and then return to work, still in costume. I can’t tell you how people dressed for this year’s party, but I can tell you about last year’s.

That’s because a former employee of Steven J. Baum recently sent me snapshots of last year’s party. In an e-mail, she said that she wanted me to see them because they showed an appalling lack of compassion toward the homeowners — invariably poor and down on their luck — that the Baum firm had brought foreclosure proceedings against.

When we spoke later, she added that the snapshots are an accurate representation of the firm’s mind-set. “There is this really cavalier attitude,” she said. “It doesn’t matter that people are going to lose their homes.” Nor does the firm try to help people get mortgage modifications; the pressure, always, is to foreclose. I told her I wanted to post the photos on The Times’s Web site so that readers could see them. She agreed, but asked to remain anonymous because she said she fears retaliation.

Let me describe a few of the photos. In one, two Baum employees are dressed like homeless people. One is holding a bottle of liquor. The other has a sign around her neck that reads: “3rd party squatter. I lost my home and I was never served.” My source said that “I was never served” is meant to mock “the typical excuse” of the homeowner trying to evade a foreclosure proceeding.

A second picture shows a coffin with a picture of a woman whose eyes have been cut out. A sign on the coffin reads: “Rest in Peace. Crazy Susie.” The reference is to Susan Chana Lask, a lawyer who had filed a class-action suit against Steven J. Baum — and had posted a YouTube video denouncing the firm’s foreclosure practices. “She was a thorn in their side,” said my source.

Apparently, so is the New York Attorney General, who has already forced the criminal organization law firm to pay $2 million in fines to avoid further prosecution over its illegal (not to mention immoral) foreclosure practices. But much like any successful Mafioso, the low-level staffers who make the whole operation tick are taught to see their victims as worthless nobodies, feel nothing for those who suffer, and occasionally parade around as caricatures of the victims of their own unchecked greed.

This isn't a trick or treat, just American "corporate culture" in all its frightfully ghoulish transparency.

But it's not class warfare. Not at all. It's classy warfare. Sorry you poor pathetic schlubs don't understand the difference.

Now, if you don't mind, please lay your wretched, broken body down on the ground so I can walk across this puddle without ruining my new Jimmy Choos.  They cost me an arm and leg. And I don't mean that figuratively.

After all, the path to hell isn't paved with good intentions, it's paved with the sorrow, anguish, and liquor soaked foreclosure notices of the law firm of Steven J. Baum.

Mwahahaha!

[images via New York Times]

The Only Thing Scarier Than Mobs Of Crazed, Gun-Waving Teabaggers Are Mobs Of Polite, Hand-Waving Tea Drinkers

Unless you've been living under a rock (no, no, not whatever it is that's beneath Rick Perry's perfectly combed, thick brown coif) or have simply been too busy following Sarah Palin's earth-shattering announcement not to continue duping dumb white people out of their hard-earned money in her ridiculous faux presidential ponzi scheme/grifter bus tour, chances are you're aware that thousands of everyday people have taken their peace pipes and hacky sacks and streamed into New York City to protest corporate greed, economic inequality, and of course, Wall Street's unchecked ability to forcefully bend over and repeatedly screw the rest of the 99% of pathetic, non-billionaire schlubs like you and me.

Well some people, like, say every Republican (and/or filthy rich banker, baron, magnate, mogul) to ever grace God's once-green, now oil-scorched Earth, don't much care for like-minded, progressive people putting down their soy, no-foam triple shot lattes and MacBook Pros to politely protest getting fleeced by the same mega-corporations they were forced to bail out, as a thank you for so generously causing the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

Damn those hippie tree-huggers and their stupid whales!

It's one thing when it's heavily-armed old white sociopaths waving Nazi signs and shrieking about how giving health care to poor people and children is terrorism. But a diverse crowd of gross liberals peacefully gathering in public parks to speak out against corporate malfeasance and income equality? ARRRRGGGGHHHH, run for your lives, crazed mobs of madmen are coming to kill you!

In a speech to social conservatives at the Values Voters Summit, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor blasted the Wall Street protesters as "growing mobs" that are trying to divide the country. "Believe it or not, some in this town have actually condoned the pitting of Americans against Americans."

But only when it's poor Americans versus rich Americans. Otherwise it is terrible class warfare and has no place in his United States of AmERICANTOR.

"I for one am increasingly concerned about the growing mobs occupying Wall Street and the other cities across the country."

Yes, that's right! "Growing mobs" are not angry throngs of obese white supremacists with Jesus Saves tees and Don't Tread On Me signs motor-scootering around small town America screaming about secession, while hoisting various Glock 19s and semi-automatic machine guns before NObama takes them all away because of Socialism.

Don't be ridiculous! They are nice educated folks joining with workers unions, teachers unions, and assorted other young-to-middle aged rabble-rousers to express their collective frustration at the abusive tactics and sheer recklessness of the nation's current financial system.

Even the usually meek, deer-in-headlights White House Press Secretary Jay Carney couldn't help but call out Mr. Cantor for being even more of a sniveling hypocritical pussy than usual.

"I sense a little hypocrisy unbound here--what we're seeing on the streets of New York is an expression of democracy. I think I remember how Mr. Cantor described protests of the tea party--I can't understand how one man's mob is another man's democracy."

Umm, what exactly do you not understand? Revolution is only acceptable when it's a bunch of fat old racists who don't want to pay their taxes or help sick kids not die, duh!

Delusional fast-food merchant and self-proclaimed "black walnut" Herman Cain understands these things, just like he understands what the Republicans are looking for in their next president is someone significantly less white than Obama.

From Mother Jones:

“I don’t have facts to back this up, but I happen to believe that these demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration. Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks, if you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!”

I don't have the facts to back this up, but Herman Cain is an asshole. I don't know much about any black walnuts, but he's certainly fuckin' nuts. 

So if I have this straight, the protests are a conspiracy by Obama to anger the very people with the money to actually fund his re-election campaign, but it is not a conspiracy that the only people actually doing okay in this broke, collapsing country are the handful of ultra-rich Wall Street titans currently being protested?

Of course, it must be the fault of the poor people! Damn poor people! Why can't they just get jobs like normal people, or at least a certain awesome Black Walnut?

Oh, right probably because the Occupy Wall Street protesters have already destroyed all the jobs! Just ask New York Mayor and billionaire everyman Michael Bloomberg.

"What they're trying to do is take the jobs away from people working in this city," the mayor declared in his harshest criticism of the three-week-old protest. "They're trying to take away the tax base we have because none of this is good for tourism."

So there you have it folks. Billionaire Mayor Says Wall Street Protesters Want To Destroy Jobs.

Which is kind of awkward. Guess nobody told him Jobs is already dead!

[image via Daily Kos]

Multi-Millionaire Republicans Simply Cannot Afford Obama’s Socialist Rich People Tax

While Republicans, like Louisiana Rep. John Fleming, were busy whining about how $6.3 million a year just ain't what it used to be (I mean who do you have to screw to get some freakin' foie gras!?), President of Socialism, Barack Obama, was busy concocting his evil plan to reduce the ballooning deficit by having the (black) balls big enough to ask precious multi-millionaires and billionaires to actually pay their fair share of taxes instead of just making dumb poor and old people collect bottle caps and harvest their own organs to do it.

Ugh, the nerve!

Ignoring yet another meaningless warning from Republicans against terrible Commie tax increases, President Obama unveiled his new deficit-reduction plan, "The Buffett Rule," forcing the nation's wealthiest one percent to give half their salaries, in cold-hard cash, to the Nation of Islam, greenpeace loving halogen lightbulb manufacturers fix the crumbling economy and close the ever-widening gap between the wonderful, virtuous rich and revolting, needy poor. Or something like that.

President Obama on Monday will call for a new minimum tax rate for individuals making more than $1 million a year to ensure that they pay at least the same percentage of their earnings as middle-income taxpayers.

In remarks in the White House Rose Garden, Obama drew stark contrasts between Republican's penchant for backing "tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires" while requiring seniors, the middle class and the poor to tighten their belts and accept sacrifices.

"During this past decade, profligate spending in Washington, tax cuts into multi-millionaires and billionaires, and two wars have turned a record surplus into a massive deficit," Obama said. "If we don't act, the debt will eventually crowd out everything else, eventually affecting us from investing in things like education and Medicaid. We need to cut what we can't afford to pay for things we need."

And what we need is bigger tax breaks for über-rich corporations! I mean seriously, what else should we do, let Rep. John Walsh and his family starve to death on his hobo salary of $400,000 after adjusting for whatever the hell else he does with the remainder of the paltry $6.3 million he annually pockets from his various Subway and UPS franchises (accidentally order the five (hundred) dollar footlong?).

Well, some people (Republicans) simply will not stand for this class warfare! Asking the perfect, morally flawless job creators like corporate CEOs, oil barons, and heiresses to give the big bad gubmint their hard-earned money is simply outrageous. What the hell does this look like, Soviet Russia or something?

"This plan eliminates tax loopholes that primarily go to the largest business and corporations--tax breaks that small businesses and middle class Americans don't have to pay," Obama said. "We can't afford these special lower rates for the wealthy, which by the way, were initially talked about as temporary measures."
"Either we have to ask the wealthy to pay their fair share, or we have to ask seniors to pay more for medicare, or gut education. This is not class warfare. It's math."

Exactly! After all, the only thing scarier to Republicans than gross poor people is gross numbers. Though, I guess as a compromise, we could always just propose gutting Republicans instead!?

Finally, a solution we can all swallow!

Plus, on the bright side, unlike John Fleming's enormous family of ravenous, $200,000/year truffle-stuffing gluttons, we'll finally have something to shove down our pie holes that doesn't cost four times what the average American schlub makes in an entire year.

Winning!

President Obama Agrees To Reduce Smog Regulations Because Clean Air Is Socialist (And Also Because Republicans Told Him So!)

So the inane, demented, "Are We Congressman or Kindergarteners" playground scuffle time slot slug fest between the White House and John Boehner's office is now officially over, with Barack Obama giving up even faster than usual in some lame misguided attempt to placate his Grand Old enemies, who'd like nothing more than to ship him back to deepest darkest Africa, at the expense of alienating those who actually matter, like say, the unemployed, NFL-watching, Snuggie-wearing, Pringles-stuffing, American public.

Maybe if Aaron Rodgers was the one giving the jobs speech, things would've been different?? But since he was blessed with arm strength, not oratory skills, President of capitulation, Barack Obama, will no longer deliver his very important jobs speech during Wednesday night's network premiere "Are you dumber than a Teabagger?" GOP presidential debate, and instead speak the following evening, on the one night America forgets the fact that it's fat, broke, and jobless in order to watch grown men in neon tights bend, grunt, and toss an oblong ball as an excuse to jump on each other in sweaty piles during the NFL season opener.

The date Obama requested falls on the same day as one of the Republican presidential debates, this one the first to feature Texas Gov. Rick Perry. Instead, Obama will now be competing against the NFL season opener.
Obama and Boehner squared off Wednesday, not over the contents of the speech but the date on which Obama will give it.
The White House and the Speaker’s office were at odds over whether the president’s staff had talked to Boehner’s office about the date before announcing it to the press.
Both sides dug in on their arguments, with Boehner’s office saying that the White House had only given them a heads up shortly before announcing the date instead of talking with the speaker about the schedule.

Sorry, Obama, parenting presidenting is hard work!

The big question now becomes what other terrible Republican ideas (or death wishes, if you prefer) will Obama give in to next to spare America the pain and suffering of being once again drowned in John Boehner's unnaturally orange-colored booze tears?

Will President Obama finally grant the GOP their Christmas wishlist of giant white corporate castles built from the bones of immigrants and welfare recipients, surrounded by a moat of sludge-filled toxic ooze teeming with delicious, regulation-free, three-headed mutant fish?

Oooh, ooh, or maybe he'll order the EPA to withdraw a proposal for tighter smog regulations, so that America’s children might have less oxygen flowing to their brains on their way to school and everyone can feel the wondrous pleasure of choking on their own beautifully capitalist, albeit highly noxious fumes. Merry lung cancer, America!

Maybe that will help Obama win the GOP's love!? Probably not, though!

In a dramatic reversal, President Barack Obama on Friday scrubbed a clean-air regulation that aimed to reduce health-threatening smog, yielding to bitterly protesting businesses and congressional Republicans who complained the rule would kill jobs in America’s ailing economy.
Withdrawal of the proposed regulation marked the latest in a string of retreats by the president in the face of GOP opposition, and it drew quick criticism from liberals.
Environmentalists, a key Obama constituency, accused him of caving to corporate polluters, and the American Lung Association threatened to restart the legal action it had begun against rules proposed by President George W. Bush.

Yes, but the important question is, did he please a one John Boehner with all this wonderful human suffering?

A spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, had muted praise for the White House, saying that withdrawal of the smog regulation was a good first step toward removing obstacles that are blocking business growth.

**Cough, cough** How sweet, he's too choked up to speak!

But perhaps more than some of the other regulations under attack, the ground-level ozone standard is most closely associated with public health — something the president said he wouldn’t compromise in his regulatory review.

Ozone is the main ingredient in smog, which is a powerful lung irritant that occasionally forces cancellation of school recesses, and causes asthma and other lung ailments.

Oooh, sounds sexy!

Naturally, the greedy bastards brilliant business minds at the Chamber of Commerce reacted with typical glee. "This an enormous victory for America's job creators, the right decision by the President, and one that will help reduce the uncertainty facing businesses."

Less so for the uncertainty facing Mother Earth.

Meanwhile, environmental groups were unrestrained in their disdain toward the decision. "The Obama administration is caving to big polluters at the expense of protecting the air we breathe," League of Conservation Voters President Gene Karpinski said. "This is a huge win for corporate polluters and huge loss for public health."

What ever do you mean?

Corporations are people, too! Now they just happen to be people who can now legally go around poisoning children.

There's your job creating right there!

Oh, and as an added bonus, the debt ceiling will now be covered in lead-based paint and insulated with asbestos. Hooray for America!

What Do You Call 11,062 Square Feet Of Unparalleled Mormon Luxury? Mitt Romney's Big Love Shack!

OMG, did you hear the terrible, Earth-shattering news? No, no not that Slick Rick Perry has entered the Presidential race in a noble attempt to destroy restore America to its wonderful Antebellum glory. Something far, far more sinister!

President Barack Obama has just embarked on his third consecutive annual family vacation to Martha's Vineyard, in August, when literally nothing happens anywhere anyway. Ugh, the elitist nerve!

Well this makes some people very pretend furious!

Like a one Willard "Mittens" Romney, who was simply outraged that that barbarian president of ours, the one with the chocolate skin and secret Socialist smile, would dare summer on his aristocratic island of privilege and palaces, Martha's Vineyard, at the same time his charming Mormon brood was sucking sweet lobster tail with fellow Latter Day Saints for $2,500 a pop.

“If you’re the president of the United States, and the nation is in crisis — and we’re in a jobs crisis right now — then you shouldn’t be out vacationing,” Romney told Chicago’s WLS-AM radio hosts Don Wade and Roma.

That's Mitten's job, damn it!

“Instead you should be focusing on getting the economy going again. And, yeah, go back to the office yourself, pull back members of Congress and focus on getting the job done.”

Like figuring out some way to turn his God-awful, cramped, 3,009 square feet, $12 million oceanside hobo ranch in La Jolla into something a little more "adequate" for his needs, like say, a disgustingly ginormous, mind-blowingly lavish 11,062-square-foot fortress, so he can finally relax without one of "the help" breathing down his neck every time he blows his maid whistle to have his hair fluffed or feet rubbed.

From the San Diego Union-Tribune:

GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney, scheduled to attend a series of fundraisers this weekend in San Diego, is also working on plans to nearly quadruple the size of his $12 million oceanfront manse in La Jolla.

Romney has filed an application with the city to bulldoze his 3,009-square-foot, single-story home at 311 Dunemere Dr. and replace it with a two-story, 11,062-square-foot structure. No date has been set to consider the proposed coastal development and site development permits, which must be approved by the city.

According to a description from the listing agent, the Spanish-style residence at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac is sophisticated and understated in its décor, “offering complete privacy and unsurpassed elegance.” Tentative plans call for new retaining walls and a relocated driveway, but would retain the existing lap pool and spa.

Ostentatious luxury homes are people, too! Besides, having only 3,009 square feet is more of a clusterf*ck than a naked blindfolded pyramid at Guantanamo. For American everyman Mittens Romney, an 11,062-square-foot mansion is more like basic human dignity!

But fear not America! Because while elitist Obama and his royal First Family frolic in some hoity-toity island/winery Martha Stewart owns, Romney will not begin construction on his reasonable new West Coast fortress while he is still a presidential candidate.

Which should be coming to a screeching halt in 3, 2, 1...

From Politico:

“Construction will not begin until the permits have been obtained and the campaign is finished,” the [Romney campaign] official said.

Oh, building to begin in October then?

The reason for the expansion, according to the official, is family: “They want to enlarge their two bedroom home because with five married sons and 16 grandchildren it is inadequate for their needs.”

You know how those sisterwives are about confined spaces!

But seriously, all of Mitt Romney's grown adult children are still living in mom 'n pop's basement?

C'mon people, what's more American than that?

True Men Don't Kill Coyotes, They Kill Federal Reserve Chairmen!

Heil Jesus?

Memo to Rick Perry: Don't hold your arm like that. Especially at a podium with a microphone in front of a crowd. I mean seriously. Don't even let your arm do that for a second. Not even one second. Just a suggestion.

Then again, Slick Rick was never one to take advice from anyone. That's for pussies and queers, not cowboy presidents who murder coyotes with laser-sighted pistols during routine morning jogs.

Now pipe down, so we can hear who or what America's favorite maniac executioner/George W. Bush's long lost twin on steroids wants to axe murder today.

Oh, just every single federal regulation ever, and also everyone who isn't white, Christian, and a card-carrying member of the NRA. Oh, and also Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, of course!

"We’re calling today on the president of the United States to put a moratorium on regulations across this country, because his regulations, his EPA regulations are killing jobs all across America."

Yeah, enough job killing already! It's high time we started killing people, God damn it! Never mind that Perry’s little "moratorium on regulations" would mean a literal end to the rule of law in the United States. I mean, seriously, who needs clean water, functional aircraft, food that's not poisoned, cars that don't spontaneously combust, and blood pressure drugs that aren't laced with arsenic, anyway? Certainly not Rick Perry and his Grand Old Party of idiot Tea bags!

Just wait til you see what slick Rick is gonna do to ol' money bags Ben Bernanke if he even so much as dares do his evil socialist government job and increase stimulus spending to save the nation's economy. He's about to go all Texas two-step on his ass.

Via ThinkProgress:

Speaking just now in Iowa, Perry said, “If this guy prints more money between now and the election, I dunno what y’all would do to him in Iowa but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treacherous -- or treasonous -- in my opinion."

Though, if it's for a nice, Texas-sized game of monopoly, he'll let it slide. He's not unreasonable!

It's just that Rick Perry, unlike dumbass Bernanke, understands the subtle nuances of monetary policy, which is why he is calling for everyone to trade in Glenn Beck's fake gold coins, the tears of Mexican migrant workers, and the severed body parts of executed prisoners.

It's like a "policy platform," just with more awesome death 'n stuff. Why spend money on bringing bloody, senseless wars and anarchy abroad in gross Muslimy countries, when you can have all the fun right here in good, Christian America?

Rick Perry: Because sometimes the only cure is...more cowboy!

He's just like George W. Bush, minus the brains.

Guess everything really is bigger in Texas, disasters included. Man-made or otherwise.

Rick Perry Doesn't Care If His Pork Chop-On-A-Stick Contains Rat Feces

Mitt Romney Knows Corporations Are People Too, Which Is Why He Is Officially Registered As A Limited Liability Person

In these trying economic times when money is scarce, jobs even scarcer, and rational behavior crushed and ground into deliciously nutty human tea bags, where o where will we find a presidential candidate fearless enough to stand up for the rights of the biggest victims of all, the poor, sad, helpless, mega-corporations?

Look no further than everyone's favorite Mormon gaffe machine and master of the flip-flop (not the things gross poor people wear on their feet), Willard Mittens Romney, my friend! Finally, someone with the common sense and moral courage to stand up and proudly declare once and for all, "Corporations are people, my friend."

Well, this didn't go over so well with the rest of the 99 percent of the population not sitting on billions of dollars made by squeezing out productivity gains from the handful of workers they haven't already laid off to maximize profits for small groups of shareholders, like Mittens 'n Co.

Apparently, many of the human "people" in attendance at the Iowa State Fair don't much appreciate being lectured about America's need to "reform" Medicare and Social Security, while simultaneously showering mega-rich corporations with tax breaks, precious gems, poor people's tears, and assorted other goodies.

ROMNEY: We have to make sure that the promises we make - and Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare - are promises we can keep. And there are various ways of doing that. One is, we could raise taxes on people.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Corporations!
ROMNEY: Corporations are people, my friend. We can raise taxes on -
AUDIENCE MEMBER: No, they're not!
ROMNEY: Of course they are. Everything corporations earn also goes to people.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
ROMNEY: Where do you think it goes?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: It goes into their pockets!
ROMNEY: Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People's pockets! Human beings, my friend. So number one, you can raise taxes. That's not the approach that I would take.

Of course that's not the approach Mittens would take. Heavens forbid! After all, corporations are "people," thanks to several decades of terrible court decisions granting them the same legal protections as dumb carbon-based, oxygen-breathing, tax-paying, real people, while at the same time freeing them from such nagging human restraints as "having a conscience."

All Mittens is trying to do is innocently remind everyone about their common humanity with corporations, who are exactly like them, right down to their shiny steel facade, cold, empty interior, and endless supply of cold hard cash, thanks to the big bad gubmint's refund-for-rich people programs.

Maybe the next time you people come across a giant skyscraper or sprawling corporate complex, you should try shaking its hand and asking how its day was like a normal person, instead of staring at its exposed bricks and beams like some sort of impolite, capitalist-hating maniac.

Why is it always up to Mittens to shout down the masses with free business lessons in capitalism run amok, like all the billion$ of reasons why corporations are people, but poors are not. 

Guess that's what great leaders are for. That, and standing up for the big guy because here in Romney's America, the government of the corporation, by the corporation, for the corporation, shall not perish from the Earth.

That, my friend, is what poor people are for.

Fox News Outraged That Barack Obama Had The Nerve To Invite Black People As Guests, Not Servers, To His Birthday Party

While the economy continued its downward hell spiral thanks to Standard & Poor's (really, that's the best name you could come up with? Really?) very responsible decision to downgrade America's debt and grind it into highly toxic, spite-flavored tea leaves for Republican enjoyment, Fox News was busy thinking up the most offensive, racist headline their little brains could muster accusing President Obama of celebrating his 50th "birth"day instead of single-handedly creating jobs for every (white) person in America.

The nerve! No, no, not Fox News equating a celebrity-studded backyard birthday BBQ in the White House Rose Garden with some kind of secret Muslim anti-employment Socialist Black Panther rally where they do scary "black people things" like listen to "hip-hop" and eat char-grilled burgers. Why, Barack Obama celebrating his five decades on this planet with actual black people, instead of just old racist white men who watch Fox News all day, of course!

Ugh, I mean, why didn't this barbecue party create jobs? The least he could've done is hire some Fox News viewers to flip burgers and re-fill beer glasses. For Christ's sake, why is Obama always pallin' around with black people, anyways? Why can't he party with some employed people like Ted Nugent for a change, or does he only like musicians who are black, blind and talented?

Maybe if he had some more white people there, other than Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and the scores of similarly milky-hued people in attendance, they would accidentally create some jobs while Obama parties?

Point is no one knows. What Fox News does know, however, is that black people are not allowed to have money or parties or fun or BBQs unless the white people in the country get their money and parties and fun and BBQs first. It’s like this Negro President of ours STILL cannot remember the rules!

Maybe Fox would have better luck if they put it into rhyme over a phatty beat.

Finally, their first real job!

Hooray! America's Downfall Is Officially Postponed As House Passes Awful Debt Deal Everyone Hates

Rejoice, my fellow Americans, the Debtpocalypsegeddon is almost over! America is back on top (of its flaming pile of unpaid bills, bounced checks, borrowed loans, crumpled receipts, IOUs, and angry post-it threats from China!) Woohoo! USA#1! USA#1! USA#1!

After weeks of alternately fucking with, psyching out, and pissing off President Obama by acting like a bunch of rabid, syphilis-ravaged meth head vampires, Republicans and Democrats in congress finally reached a debt deal, avoiding turning America into one big deadbeat dad like Tea Party House freshman scumbag Joe Walsh currently representing the 8th district of Illinois, not his $117,437 financial (or paternal) obligation to his three lazy, good-for-nothing school-age children. Get a job, junior!

Oohoh, but what sort of awesome "party favors" will the American people take home from this weeks-long, non-stop Boehnerific congressional coke-n-hookers-n-corporate-loopholes Teabagger rage fest?

Umm, how about $2.4 trillion in spending cuts with no guaranteed revenue raisers, but a coupon for a free bag of pork rinds instead? Okay? Okay!

“The result would be the lowest level of annual domestic spending since Dwight Eisenhower was president,” Obama explained.

Yay! So does that mean a return to Eisenhower-level taxes for the richest 1% of the population?

No, don't be silly! Democrats volunteered their balls to be cut off, dipped in delicious beer batter, fried to golden perfection and served to the hungry Republicans working round-the-clock to destroy any semblance left of this God-awful, 235-year-old experiment in Representative Democracy, formerly known as the United States of America.

Okay, what else?

America gets another bipartisan debt commission that everyone will ignore because they get one of those every year.

But that's not all!

The American people are also the lucky recipients of the horribly dangerous and reckless Teabagger tactics of holding the country hostage, as well as the failed "one party says this, the other party says that" media  machine that treats Fox News as Journalism and crazy people like human beings.

Hooray!

So congrats America! For all your hard work and dedication to electing some of the worst human beings in history to steer the country, your reward is a little note that says, “the global economy will not collapse tomorrow, you’re welcome.”

Pending final passage, the agreement marked a dramatic reach across party lines that played out over six months and several rounds of negotiating, interspersed by periods of intense partisanship.
“Sometimes it seems our two sides disagree on almost everything,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said in floor remarks.
“But in the end, reasonable people were able to agree on this: The United States could not take the chance of defaulting on our debt, risking a United States financial collapse and a world-wide depression.”

Silly people! Think about all the money they just left on the table in prozac sales alone. Actually don't. It's kind of depressing.

According to a new Washington Post/Pew Research poll: 

Americans give overwhelmingly negative reviews to the fierce budget debate that has transfixed Washington over the past few weeks, and large numbers now think less favorably about the country’s political leaders.
Asked for single-word characterizations of the budget negotiations, the top words in the poll — conducted in the days before an apparent deal was struck — were “ridiculous,” “disgusting” and “stupid.” Overall, nearly three-quarters of Americans offered a negative word; just 2 percent had anything nice to say.
“Ridiculous” was the most frequently mentioned word among Democrats, Republicans and independents alike.

While the word ridiculous was commonest among both Democrats and Republicans, the most frequent word used by Tea Party Republicans was "Niggardly," followed closely by "huh?"

"If I were a Republican, this is a night to party," said Democratic Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, who bashed the new-fangled bipartisan deal as a "sugar-coated Satan sandwich."

Which come to think of it, pairs perfectly with a nice pipin' hot mug of tea.

"The Democratic Party, no less than the Republican Party, is at a very serious crossroads at this moment...This deal weakens the Democratic Party as badly as it weakens the country," Arizona Democrat Rep. Raul Grijalva said. "We have given much and received nothing in return. The lesson today is that Republicans can hold their breath long enough to get what they want."

The end of civilization as we know it?

Lord knows, they'll drink to that!

What Do You Call A Massive Boehner Who Laughs At The Total Collapse Of Our Economy? Speaker Of The House, Of Course!

It's Monday in America, meaning it's a brand new week for the very mature adults in Congress to flitter about like special needs schoolchildren, while our nation teeters towards the brink of catastrophic self-induced collapse.

Hooray!?

Of course, being the mature, weeping, unnaturally orange-tinted Republican House Speaker that he is, John Boehner has naturally decided to stop speaking to anyone and everyone and write his own terrible debt plan instead.

Conversely, boring, normal flesh-colored Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has also decided to stop talking to everyone and opted to craft his very own $2.7 trillion deficit reduction plan, too. So there!

The good news is that both plans do effectively raise the debt limit on or before August 2, avoiding a catastrophic default and turning America into one great big deadbeat dad who refuses to pay child support, so he can watch the game on his new flat screen teevee and drown his sorrows in 40oz of whatever kind of beer it is they package in troughs and sell to poor people wearing wife beaters in the middle of the day.

In fact, the only major difference is whether the debt limit should be raised all the way into 2013, or whether Congress should redo this entire hellish debate again early next year to force Democrats and Republicans to pass entitlement and tax reforms because total dysfunction and the possible financial meltdown of America is one helluva good time! Amiright??

The bad news, however, is that each side is expected to reject the other's plan and we'll continue to be royally fucked, which is pretty much what happens when a bunch of immature asshats are put in positions of power and tasked with handling very important issues.

TPM reports:

Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Reid said Boehner's plan can't pass the Senate and even if it could Obama would veto it.

"The Republicans' short-term plan is a non-starter in the Senate and in the White House," Reid said. Schumer called Reid's plan a fair compromise. "At this point there is no alternative other than default, and no basis for Republicans rejecting the proposal other than that they want a default," Schumer added. 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, Chuck! Don't put words into their mouths! It's not the economy they're desperately trying to gut like a fish and plunge down a filthy, slimy chute into the toilet. It's the president, silly!

What is so hard to understand here, people??

According to Politico:

A day after breathless news reports that a deal was imminent, John Boehner jokingly told his conference that he had reached a sweeping agreement with President Barack Obama to slash trillions of dollars in government spending.

“I’m just kidding,” he added, drawing a laugh from rank-and-file Republicans, according to those in the room.

Oh, hahahahahaha! Since everyone, or at least that one huge Boehner, looooooves jokes so much, here's one: Republicans are NOT going to crash our economy, destroy our credit rating, and cost us trillions in extra interest on the national debt.

Just kidding!

They'll just fire more teachers and tell more old people to go to hell.

Ya know, compromise!

Some Things Never Change: Like Eric Cantor Being A Smug, Greedy, Li'l Bastard Everybody Hates

And the winner of the screw you, sniveling weasel, economy be damned, willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead, shameless, narcissistic, prick award goes to....

"I want what I want when I want it." 

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor's high school yearbook quote.

Apparently, Eric Ivan Cantor wanted the same thing he wants now: to whine incessantly and ruin everything for everyone. Which is probably what helped make him as popular then as he is now!

Hmmm. All that smug entitlement and childlike petulance reminds me of someone else...

"But Daddy I want an Oompa Loompa now!" — Veruca Salt

Gooses, geeses, I want a goose that lays golden eggs for Easter. What a coincidence! Just like Eric.

Losers, Geezers, I want a douche who lays goose eggs for Speaker.

Guess everyone gets what they want.

Well, except an economy!

General Electric: Proudly Leading The Way In Evading Corporate Taxes Since The 1970s

It's funny, the things people care about wouldn'tcha say? Like how, despite evidence, facts, and an actual live certificate of birth, a whole segment of the population (typically the toothless white trash trailer park type) still refuses to believe a one Barack Hussein Obama was born anywhere but deepest darkest Africa if he was even born on this planet at all instead of secretly sprung from the Socialist loin of Satan in his real birth place down in the seventh circle of hell, as any Teabagger worth his weight in Lipton understands.

But try telling these very same people that the path to Socialist ruin isn't paved with dead Grandmas, greedy, fair-wage demanding teachers, terrible, no-good workers unions, or even lousy job-stealing immigrants, but rather that every single aspect of the financial crisis in the United States is directly due to both huge corporations and the very richest .01% individuals not paying taxes, and it's as if you've just said all KFCs have turned into organic arugula gardens and all McDonald's will now be referred to as MosqeDonalds with Halal Meals replacing Happy Meals.

"You lie!" they shriek, doing their best inappropriate Joe Wilson outburst.

Impossible! It's simply too outrageous to be true. It couldn't possibly be! Liars!

But what if it turned out not to be just another liberal lie from the elitist Jew-run lamestream media?

What if basically everything — your bankrupt schools, crumbling highways, falling bridges, neglected state parks, vast graveyards of foreclosed homes, shuttered storefronts, abandoned construction sites, the laid-off city maintenance worker who jumped off the roof of City Hall in Cosa Mesa after half the town's workforce was fired and replaced by outsourced hourly contractors, including a new $3,000 a week PR spokesman the mayor hired — was more than coincidentally related to the the fact that General Electric, America’s largest corporation and the second-biggest company on Earth, simply does not pay any taxes at all. None, nada, nil, nothing. Zip, zero, zilch.

I mean, it's not as if they use their awesome new top-of-the-line front load Energy Star washer/dryer unit to launder their dirty sexy stacks of money or anything illegal/ ike that. No, no, don't be silly!

They just so happen to be as wonderfully skilled in mass producing state-of-the-art stainless steel kitchen appliances, incandescent/florescent/LED light bulbs, military jet engines, wind turbines, oil drilling pipes and nuclear weapons, as they are in evading U.S. taxes.

Woohoo!

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for evading damming articles by intrepid New York Times reporters that could quite possibly be the most infuriating, dull number-crunching piece you'll ever read.

General Electric, the nation’s largest corporation, had a very good year in 2010.
The company reported worldwide profits of $14.2 billion, and said $5.1 billion of the total came from its operations in the United States.
Its American tax bill? None. In fact, G.E. claimed a tax benefit of $3.2 billion.
That may be hard to fathom for the millions of American business owners and households now preparing their own returns, but low taxes are nothing new for G.E.

Well, I should certainly hope so!

The company has been cutting the percentage of its American profits paid to the Internal Revenue Service for years, resulting in a far lower rate than at most multinational companies.

Phew! How else would they make ends meet? Other than binding two poor people together with their industrial grade duct tape, of course!

Its extraordinary success is based on an aggressive strategy that mixes fierce lobbying for tax breaks and innovative accounting that enables it to concentrate its profits offshore. G.E.’s giant tax department, led by a bow-tied former Treasury official named John Samuels, is often referred to as the world’s best tax law firm...and includes former officials not just from the Treasury, but also from the I.R.S. and virtually all the tax-writing committees in Congress.

Which is great news for the poor, struggling billionaire General Electric executives slaving away to bring you all the innovate, prohibitively expensive products you don't need nor want, and couldn't afford anyway.

Because with its massive internal tax-evasion department headed by a former Treasury official and stuffed with former IRS agents, G.E. is simply the standard bearer of excellence when it comes to monstrous mega-corporations that control almost every aspect of policy and politics, duping the schmucky public into paying the lion's share of federal taxes.

You see, a half century ago, back in the 1950s (the good old days John Boehner's always weeping for), when women knew their place and men weren't afraid to give toots a li'l slap on the behind when she got too fresh, corporations like GE paid a whopping 30% of America’s total taxes. Today that number is down to 6.6%, and yet these same lovely corporations whine incessantly about how the crushing burden of single digit tax rates are squeezing companies to the breaking point, where they can barely afford to do business in America anymore.

Which isn't the worst that could happen, considering no one can afford to buy anything in America anymore, either.

Oh well! Thank goodness Republicans understand how to solve this glaring fiscal disparity.

By defunding NPR, removing art murals from state labor departments, and clamping down on those out-of-control, greedy, minimum-wage earning teachers, janitors, and assembly line workers bringing the whole country down.

For the love of unchecked capitalism, how do you expect GE's golden parachutes to fly with all that dead weight?

Because at GE, We Don't Just "Bring Good Things To Life," We "Bring Good Tax Dodges To Light!"

Obama White House Just Can't Decide Whether To Lay Down The Red Carpet Or Lay Themselves Down & Let Republicans Walk All Over Them Instead

It's no secret that when Republicans even so much as threaten to utter the dreaded words Democrats and taxes in the same sentence, diminutive Donkeys from Dover to Denver run screaming for the hills because nothing is more terrifying than a bunch of wild-eyed, salivating, power-starved conservatives painting liberals as crazy spend 'n tax madmen Socialists, regardless of whether it's based in reality or some Grand Old wealthy, whites-only fantasy land.

Of course, being the brave, thick-spined Party of principles that they are, the fightin' Democrats vowed just last week to focus their lame duck legislative efforts on renewing the Bush tax cuts for the middle class only. So it is likely that they'll soon cave completely to Republi—in 3, 2, oh look, they already did!

Because everyone (ahem, the every rich person with a .45 in their pocket and an oil well in their backyard) knows the Republicans' plan to extend all of the Bush income tax breaks — set to expire on January 1, 2011 — including those for the top two income brackets (aka the wealthiest 2 percent of Americans, the richest of the rich, the Crème de la Crème), permanently and post haste, is absolutely crucial to the survival of America, as a ballooning, bloated, unsustainable, grossly unequal, drunken Diva, free from the terrible scourge formerly known as the middle class.

Hooray!

On the other hand, the dumb ol' Democratic (or at least non-faux Dems like Nebraska Nelson) plan has been to extend all rates permanently except those for the top two income brackets, because, well, it's not really all that important to them, anyway! Not to mention would cost $700 billion less than the Republican plan over the next ten years. Which, considering we're dead broke and all, is still pretty damn generous!

Of course, it would have been a whole hell of a lot easier for Democrats to have forced a vote on the tax cuts right before the midterm elections when they still had sizable majorities in both chambers, because even the Republicans realize they can't repeatedly block a middle class tax cut (just so the rich get their much less needed lovin' too!) without looking like complete assholes, eventually.

Which is why the Dems naturally decided to wait until after they lost the House for White House political adviser and resident bad-idea breaker, David Axelrod, to gently let the whole world know the Obama administration is ready to fold like a cheap suit from the Men's Warehouse in Wasilla on the whole Bush tax cuts thing in a damn Huffington Post interview.

“We have to deal with the world as we find it,” David Axelrod said during an unusually candid and reflective 90-minute interview in his office, steps away from the Oval Office. “The world of what it takes to get this done.” (Oh right, you mean the world of bending over and taking it like a nice, li'l Democrat caving to the whims of a bunch of caffeinated Teabags? Jesus Christ, these guys!).
“There are concerns,” he added, that Congress will continue to kick the can down the road in the future by passing temporary extensions for the wealthy time and time again. “But I don’t want to trade away security for the middle class in order to make that point.”

In fact, he doesn't really know what point he's trying to make since the White House immediately tried to walk back Axelrod's statements the very next day, only to find out that's like asking Michael Vick to replace Cesar Millan as the new Dog Whisperer, only to (whoops!) uncover his secret stash of dead, mutated canine carcasses littering his spacious backyard. Or diving into the Pacific with open flesh wounds while Great Whites circle around, and then asking them to kindly forget about the human snack bobbing helplessly, tempting them from above.

So umm yeah, that's kind of difficult to take back. Plus, when the Dems try to distance themselves from looking like total pussies who whimper and curl into the fetal position before the first shots are even fired, it makes them look even worse.

At least deciding to cede all legislative control to the Republicans, in addition to all the chips at the bargaining table is an actual stance, and as such, certainly better than waffling every which way like some tweaked out, trembling Yo-Yo on a bad acid trip, which only ends up giving the Republicans exactly what they wanted without having to pay any sort of price or take the slightest risk.

Funny thing is, the Democrats can actually do this whole tax song 'n dance bullshit too. It's true! All they have to do is play the fun Republican game of saying whatever crazy half-baked, conjured up lies come into their little minds first, like say, "Let the damn things expire. The Republicans raised taxes. They were in charge of Congress when it was time to pass them. We, the valiant Dems, were willing to sign it , but apparently the Republicans are secret Muslim terrorists who hate the middle class, or at least any dumb schlubs earning less than $250,000."

Naaaaaailed it! 2012 won.

Oh, and it would reduce the deficit. Which may be a good idea at some point. Oh well!

But probably not as good an idea as handing Republicans a cheat sheet with all your strategic moves and a handwritten note sealed with a kiss and the words, "A Dummies Guide To Defeating Dumb Democrats On Taxes In 10 Easy-to-Follow, Sweat & Effort-Free Steps."

Okay then! Just call it the Don't Ask, Don't Tell of tax cuts.

"It is absolutely insane that in these tough economic times some people want to continue George W. Bush's tax giveaways to millionaires," AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka said. "Speaker Pelosi is exactly right that there should not be a so-called compromise on this issue."

"The election is over and now it's time for politicians to show courage and stand and fight on these issues for working families," the union president said. "Let the millionaires fend for themselves for a change."

Oh hahahaha, that's rich! Not as rich as the big pimpin' billionaires actually receiving the tax breaks, but hey, close enough. Besides, with all that extra cash, they can just buy their own state of the art security squad.

Which should come in handy since apparently when Rahm left the White House, he decided to take all the balls with him.

Except for one pair, of course. So put your man pants on and Rahm it home, Nancy!

John McCain's So Maverick, He Doesn't Even Remember If He Is One!

Oh no-zees! Between the scorching desert heat and the toll that comes with selling your soul to the highest bidder (Cindy, Satan, what's the difference?) while trying to fend off a horseback riding hell-raiser by the initials J.D. Hayworth, John McCain can hardly remember anything these days, let alone his actual media-given name, John "Maverick" McCain, for literally giving definition to the word.

But if the John McCain of POW fame we've known for the last oh, two decades or so, isn't the real John McCain, then the real John McCain must just be some desperate, old coot who got lost in Washington some 30 years ago while running out to the nearest CVS to get a hot compress for his back, who keeps telling people he's a Senator from Arizona so no one will know the shameful truth that is his decaying, plaque-ravaged mind.

Many of the GOP's most faithful, the kind who vote in primaries despite 115-degree heat (and still manage to strap on extra ammo clips), tired long ago of McCain the Maverick, the man who had crossed the aisle to work with Democrats on issues like immigration reform, global warming, and restricting campaign contributions. "Maverick" is a mantle McCain no longer claims; in fact, he now denies he ever was one. "I never considered myself a maverick," he told me.

And you know what else?

Larry Craig is a strapping, young heterosexual, Michael Steele is a competent leader, John Boehner's tan is natural, Sarah Palin is capable of running more than just marathons (without quitting first), and Rudy Giuliani's entire existence will no longer be based on a single, fateful moment in September 2001, when two planes randomly crashed into two towers in one city which he just so happened to be in charge of at the time. The End.

"The fundamentals of my character were formed a long, long time ago under sometimes difficult circumstances," McCain said. "I'm not going to fundamentally change."

Yes, he will fundamentally still be a carbon-based sentient being, with a hair-trigger temper and an uncanny knack for saying mindblowingly stupid things at the absolute most inappropriate times.

Like assuring the "economy is fundamentally sound" on the exact same day the financial system suffered the same horrible downward trajectory as his career and sanity.

Awkward? Ha ha, only if you remember it, my friends!

Will The U.S. And China Ever See Eye-To-Eye?

Notorious peace lover and world diplomat appeaser Barack Obama took his Kumbaya routine to the opening session of the U.S.-China Strategic and Economic Dialogue, where he pleaded with his Commie friends in the Far East to stop trampling its people en route to global domination as the world's hot new superpower.

“Just as we respect China’s ancient culture and remarkable achievements, we also strongly believe that the religion and culture of all peoples must be respected and protected and that all people should be free to speak their minds,” Obama said. “That includes ethnic and religious minorities in China, as surely as it includes minorities within the United States.”

By emphasizing that "The freedom to speak your mind, to worship your God and to choose your leaders” are part of the identity of the United States and luckily not Red China, Obama assured nervous Chinese leaders, “These are not things we wish to impose. This is who we are.”

As opposed to who they are, which is a dissident-crushing behemoth who we wouldn't be so afraid of if not for the small fact that they also happen to own all our assets and make at least half of the stupid s**t we love to buy.

So in an effort to show the world we're not going to risk relations with our favorite creditor on account of a couple of crushed Uighurs, Obama dropped the whole human rights spiel (boring!) in favor of a much more exciting topic: sports!

“President Hu [Jintao] and I both felt that it was important to get our relationship off to a good start,” Obama said. “Of course, as a new president and also as a basketball fan, I have learned from the words of Yao Ming, who said, ‘No matter whether you are new or an old team member, you need time to adjust to one another.’”

"Through this dialogue, I’m confident that we will meet Yao’s standard."

Surely, there must be something to make us shrimpy Americans see eye-to-eye with this 7 ft 6" hardwood court ambassador.

Like standing on a stack of $740 billion nicely folded dollars. Whoever said we couldn't find a way to put our debt to China to good use?

Treasury Department Seeks Clown For Hire

OMG, now this is just sad. But also slightly scary when you consider the fact this is the TREASURY DEPARTMENT for crying out loud! Aren't these the same freakin' people who are supposed to be getting us out of this economic meltdown? Well, they're also seeking a clown. I wish I could tell you this is all a joke. But then I'd be lying.

You see one of the divisions of the Treasury Department is the Bureau of the Public Debt. Which there is a lot of. This makes the workers sad and hate their lives. But the brilliant Treasury officials in charge of our money have a solution to this perplexing problem: hire a professional clown to provide "Humor In The Workplace" seminars to Bureau of the Public Debt employees and draw funny cartoons to teach them about the benefits of humor, and how it comes in handy, especially when the whole country's going broke.

Department of the Treasury Seeks Clown for Hire:

The Contractor shall conduct two, 3-hour, Humor in the Workplace programs that will discuss the power of humor in the workplace, the close relationship between humor and stress, and why humor is one of the most important ways that we communicate in business and office life. The contractor shall have the ability to create cartoons on the spot about BPD jobs. The presenter shall refrain from using any foul language during the presentation. This is a business environment and we need the presenter to address a business audience.

Upon completion of the course, participants shall be able to:

• Understand the importance and power of humor in the workplace in a responsible manner
• How to use talents in a creative way that adds humor to everyday experiences
• Alleviate stress in home and the office
• Know how and why humor is important to communication
• Improve work-place relationships
• Prevent burn-out

Someone tell Al Franken to forget the Senate, he is needed at the Treasury Department ASAP!!

Mark Sanford Disappearing Faster Than South Carolina's Job Rate

South Carolina heartthrob Gov. Mark Sanford skipped a meeting with a top economic adviser and instead headed out of state to spend some quality time with the one woman he hasn't been secretly doing, his lovely wife Jenny!

Now, normally I'm all for a little one-on-one time with the wifey, especially after hubby Mark's tearful confession of an affair with "the love of his life" and "soul mate"--Argentinian hottie, Maria Belen Chapur, when he was supposed to be off hiking the Appalachian Trail, not holed up in a Buenos Aires motel with his long-legged Latina mistress.

But, according to his spokesman Joel Sawyer, Sanford's latest honeymoon outside South Carolina's beautiful borders, is just business as usual for the heartbreaker governor.

"The governor remains committed to repairing the damage he's done to his marriage, and so it shouldn't be any surprise that spending personal time with his wife is a part of that process."

Just like it shouldn't be any surprise that what began as an innocent hike along the Appalachian Trail ended in a teary-eyed governor reading love letters to Maria and bravely admitting all the other extramarital dalliances he so deeply regrets (getting caught in).

So I guess we can only assume that in between cheating on Jenny, seducing women, Latina and otherwise, and all around being an upstanding member of the Republican Party, South Carolina's humble governor has been hard at work fixing the critical budget problems and skyrocketing unemployment rate gripping the state.

Maybe that's why the only thing worse than the state of his marriage is the state of his broke-ass, stimulus-rejecting, job hemorrhaging, neglected, red-headed stepchild of a state, South Carolina.

Bank Stress Tests Show Under Mattress Still Best Option For Stashing Funds

To the shock and dismay of no one, Bank of America and Citigroup announced they are once again broke as hell and in dire need of some fresh taxpayer dough to continue squandering in obscene and offensive ways.

Stress tests of the 19 largest U.S. banks confirmed suspicions that Bank of America, Citigroup, Wells Fargo, and GMAC are indeed worthless deadbeats and as such, will need to leech off the public for just a wee bit longer or until they're able to stand on their own two pillars.

Bank of America continued its unrivaled domination of this year's Wall Street Derby, posting a $34 billion shortfall and easily claiming the gold as the nation's biggest money pit. Wells Fargo and GMAC fell just short, earning silver and bronze honors with their own meager $15 billion and $11.5 billion requirements, respectively.

But the real story of the day was Citigroup's Mine That Bird-like upset, shocking the world with its partial solvency and mere $5 billion request. Ha, chump change!

Kudos though, to Goldman Sachs, MetLife, JPMorgan Chase, Bank of New York Mellon Corp. and American Express, for not being miserable failures like the other Fortune 500 degenerates we keep rescuing from self-induced destruction and actually manage on the billion dollar allowance we already agreed upon. Rules are rules!

Torture, Pig Flu, Sleeping Economists, Oh My!

Hollywood Squares, Crazy Global Edition!

What a week it's been here in the good ol' USA. That is, if you've managed to survive the latest import from our friendly southern neighbor (and not fun illegal stuff like drugs), but the lovely swine flu outbreak. Gracias Mexico! Nothing's sexier than dirty pig disease.

If you still have your health, congratulations, you're in for a real treat.

Let's start at the top, with our old friend John S. McCain, proud father of world famous blogger Meghan McCain and America's resident torture expert. Now Johnny admits that torture is bad and terrible and all (though it does make a GREAT story), but he also knows now is not the time to settle old political scores. It is time to put this whole thing behind us and move forward.

After all, the U.S. did make a commitment never to do this again (ok ok, so they forgot the whole "Geneva Convention" thing but no biggie), and Johnny knows no administration would ever lie. They promised. So there is no need to criminalize or hold anyone accountable for their actions because justice has already been served in the court of public opinion. So let's just forget it and "move on" and if you don't like it, he will be happy to give you the old Hanoi treatment and staple your god damn tongue to your stupid head.

Meanwhile, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad continued his tenure as the world's most dapper bearded madman by saying he's ready to back a two-state solution in the Middle East if the Palestinians approve a peace agreement with Israel.

"Whatever decision they take is fine with us...we will support that." he said. "We are not going to determine anything."

Which sounds normal enough--if it wasn't for the one tiny little problem of Israel's existence and his repeated calls for it to be "wiped off the map." Other than that, denying the Holocaust, the occasional Zionist rant, and his country's secret nuclear aspirations, all is good with Mahmoud. Trust me, his word is bond.

Next we have bestselling author and arugula-eating elitist (aka contributor to the New Yorker), Malcolm Gladwell explaining why America is headed to the toilet and why Asians (especially Koreans) are so much better than dumb behemoths like you and me. Hint: It has something to do with being obsessed with ourselves, not to mention selfish, slothful and lazy, while our Asian counterparts diligently work together as they quietly take over the world.

Which brings us to Lawrence Summers, Obama's top economic adviser and notorious "serial dozer." Sure, you've seen him yawning, you've seen him sleeping, and now you can see him talking. There, you will learn that it is not President Obama's speeches that cause "Summy" to immediately lapse into REM sleep, but rather the mind-blowingly boring credit card companies and their stupid fine print. But don't worry, Mr. Summers is monitoring the situation very carefully and is confident the Obama administration is on the right path.

"There's work that needs to be done, but we're in a good position to provide the support and set the framework in which the banking system can move along the process of recovery and...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh, ooops. He'll be ready right after a little 20 minute power nap.

A Different Kind Of Stimulus Package!

Another kind of bank is offering customers their own stimulus package during these tough economic times.

But instead of the usual boring free checking accounts or slashed interest rates you'll find at Bank of America or Wachovia, this rebate comes in the form of Grade-A sperm at bargain basement prices!

Welcome to Xytex International, one of the oldest sperm banks in the US of A. If you're looking to start a family (or add to the one you already have) but don't have much money to spare, Xytex has got the reproductive bargain you've been waiting for!

"We're all feeling the effects of the economy and, especially for families seeking reproductive options, every dollar counts," Xytex spokeswoman Danielle Moores said.

For a limited time only, Xytex is offering deals on vials from "select" donors who come a bit cheaper than the usual "standard" donors. Those looking to take advantage of this sperm super sale can save anywhere from $135 and $235 on select vials from a standard Xytex donor, which typically start at $385 for your average Joe the Plumber sperm and go up to $585 for your more Brad Pitt variety.

But don't worry, it's not like there's anything wrong with these "select" donors.

"Select donors haven't reached the end of their shelf-life, they're just over-produced...They are simply men from whom Xytex has many, many vials because they're very successful donors or able to stop in several times a week or -- for whatever reason, we have a huge inventory."

I guess you could say they're the Octomom of the sperm donor world.