Bank Stress Tests Show Under Mattress Still Best Option For Stashing Funds

To the shock and dismay of no one, Bank of America and Citigroup announced they are once again broke as hell and in dire need of some fresh taxpayer dough to continue squandering in obscene and offensive ways.

Stress tests of the 19 largest U.S. banks confirmed suspicions that Bank of America, Citigroup, Wells Fargo, and GMAC are indeed worthless deadbeats and as such, will need to leech off the public for just a wee bit longer or until they're able to stand on their own two pillars.

Bank of America continued its unrivaled domination of this year's Wall Street Derby, posting a $34 billion shortfall and easily claiming the gold as the nation's biggest money pit. Wells Fargo and GMAC fell just short, earning silver and bronze honors with their own meager $15 billion and $11.5 billion requirements, respectively.

But the real story of the day was Citigroup's Mine That Bird-like upset, shocking the world with its partial solvency and mere $5 billion request. Ha, chump change!

Kudos though, to Goldman Sachs, MetLife, JPMorgan Chase, Bank of New York Mellon Corp. and American Express, for not being miserable failures like the other Fortune 500 degenerates we keep rescuing from self-induced destruction and actually manage on the billion dollar allowance we already agreed upon. Rules are rules!

Hard Knock Life: Obama Grounds Citigroup's High-Flying Hopes

Here's To A Job Well Done!

Having secured a sweet $45 billion bailout from taxpayers, the savvy wizards over at Citigroup did what any rational company narrowly escaping bankruptcy would do: Buy a luxurious, new $50 million corporate jet using funds just fleeced from the public, of course!

Citigroup execs defended the move as a smart business deal because any billion dollar banking company that manages to run itself right into the gutter certainly knows a thing or two about savvy business operations.

But then the annoying public got wind of the plan and in typical party-pooper fashion, tried to ruin everything for the humble Citigroup execs, including new Dassault Falcon 7X jets fueled with the blood, sweat, tears (and $45 billion dollars) of hard-working Americans.

Normally, the public's outcry would fall on deaf ears, because business trumps the needs of the "average citizen." It's the American way.

Or at least, it was the American way. That is until Mr. "Man Of The People" Obama became president and screwed everything up.

The Not-Too-Shabby Interior