Chairman Cao's GOP Revolution To Bring Affordable Coverage To America

Just when you thought any semblance of manhood the Democrats had was stripped away with the Republican's dignity and grip on reality, the House of Representatives grew a pair (or 220 pairs to be exact) and passed the Affordable Health Care for America Act to murder grandma and also bring quality, low-cost insurance to all Americans. Hooray!

After much partisan wrangling, Republican desperation, and teabagger Nazi rallies on Capitol Hill, the Democrats came through in the clutch, voting 220-215 in favor of President Obama's sweeping health care overhaul to help hardworking Americans instead of insurance companies for the first time in our nation's history.

Thanks to Obama's last minute Rudy-inspired pep talk urging House Democrats not to pussy out like they always do but instead stick to their guns and "finish the job."

“I reminded them that opportunities like this come around maybe once in a generation,” Obama said. “This is their moment, this is our moment, to live up to the trust that the American people have placed in us — even when it's hard; especially when it's hard. This is our moment to deliver.”

And deliver they did, thanks to S&M Master Nancy Pelosi's ability to crack the whip and bring those rascally Blue Dog Democrats into line, even luring Rep. Anh ''Joseph" Cao (R-LA), a coveted Republican, over to the dark side that is the Democratic supermajority.

President Barack Obama thanked members for their "courageous vote" and called upon that other chamber to follow the House's monumental decision to revolutionize the country's health care system:

"Now it falls on the United States Senate to take the baton and take this effort to the finish line for the American people."

Meanwhile, ever-determined obstructionist Republicans vowed to fight the bill and prevent Barry's murderous death panels from destroying America, with House Minority Leader John Boehner promising, "we’re going to do everything we can to make sure this doesn’t happen."

Unfortunately, this comes from the same man who boasted that a certain cute, young Asian man's upset win to replace indicted Democratic Rep. William Jefferson was a sign of the GOP's comeback and presented a path to future victories, declaring, "The Future Is Cao."

Which totally makes sense, if he meant the future would be some Vietcong traitor stabbing the Grand Old Party in the back by crossing over to support NObama's terrible government-run plot to socialize medicine and turn America into the Soviet Union.

Or maybe Boehner was just exaggerating but nobody knew it because the Einstein in charge of House Republicans pronounced "hyperbole" as "hyperbowl," which made everyone laugh at him for being dumb instead of being orange.

Which was sort of a nice change, but certainly not the kind Boehner was hoping for.

I mean what's a health care reform plan without a cure for idiocy? That's not change he can believe in!

Since When Is The Extermination Of Jews Not An Effective Argument Against Health Care?

After countless Obama equals Hitler signs, various Nazi references, and numerous, hilarious jokes about NObama's coming health care reform Holocaust, Jewish groups and the rest of the population with functioning brains have finally sounded the alarms about the disturbing proliferation of swastikas and anti-Semitic banners, signs, and slogans every time the teabaggers rally together to praise freedom and shout obscenities at that Kenyan man.

And to think, all it took to get the Jews riled up was a poster showing piles of Jewish corpses with the caption National Socialist Health Care: Dachau, Germany--1945.

All class, those teabaggers!

After Thursday's Bachmann-led "Super Bowl of Freedom," David A. Harris, President of the National Jewish Democratic Council issued this statement:

"Today's G.O.P. "Tea Party" on Capitol Hill opposing health insurance reform invoked disgusting Holocaust imagery and outright anti-Semitism. Top Republican Party leaders including House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), House Republican Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA), and House Republican Conference Chairman Mike Pence (R-IN) stood before a crowd that included a banner protesting health care reform and displaying corpses from the Holocaust. Yet another sign charged that Obama takes his orders from the Rothchilds. Such vile invocations of Nazi and Holocaust rhetoric have been condemned in recent weeks by rabbinic movements, the Interfaith Alliance, and the American Gathering of Jewish Holocaust Survivors and their Descendants."

Not surprisingly, Republican leaders have been somewhat less vocal on the matter, finding no problem whatsoever with teabaggers throwing Nazi comparisons all over the place or showing dead Jews at Dachau to warn Americans of the fate they'll suffer under ObamaCare.

It only took Rep. Eric Cantor's (R-VA), the only Jewish Republican in Congress, over three months to finally utter a peep about GOP hero Rush Limbaugh's innocent claim that "Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, also ruled by dictate."

But at least this GOP leader grew the balls to stand up and say large, graphic photographs of slaughtered Jews may be "inappropriate" and that since you asked, no, he doesn't "condone the mention of Hitler in any discussion about politics because obviously that is something that conjures up images that frankly are not, I think, very helpful."

But do you know what is helpful? A half assed response some 12 weeks after the incident occurred when no one even remembers what the hell he's referring to anyway. But whatever. A real mensch, that minority whip!

Then there's former Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) who thinks it makes perfect sense for tea partiers to show posters of Nazi concentration camp victims as a way to link health care reform to Nazism.

"You bet" it's appropriate, Tancredo said, arguing that because protesters during the Bush administration used photos of a decapitated president, everything is fair game.

"It's all ugly," he said. But he does agree with unnaturally orange-hued House Minority Leader John Boehner that health care is the biggest threat the country has ever seen.

"It is in fact socialism," Tancredo said. "It is a true, very scary threat."

He couldn't, however, answer when MSNBC anchor David Shuster asked if Medicare and the Veterans Administration, both single payer programs, pose a similar threat.

In fact, Tancredo was so offended by Daily Kos founder Markos Moulitsas for even mentioning that Tancredo avoided military service during the Vietnam War and deferred being drafted after college because he was being treated for depression, that he stormed out of the interview.

"I'm a veteran," Moulitsas said after Tancredo claimed veterans would prefer vouchers over VA care. "I did not get a deferment because I was too depressed to fight in the war I supported in Vietnam."

"That's a cheap rotten stupid thing to say," Tancredo said, adding that it sounded just like something a certain Third Reich leader with a cute mustache would say.

If he wasn't too busy reforming health care, that is.

Michael "Heart Of" Steele Vows To Teabag His Party Into Extinction

Yo yo what up America? It's your off-the-hook hip-hop Republican National Committee chairman coming to you live after the great Republican Renaissance of 2009, courtesy of a certain tough-as-Steele cow on the tracks. Moo, motherf**kers Moo!

You see, after the RNC-backed endorsement of a "moderate Republican" in the NY-23 special election was eaten by rabid throngs of teabaggers, the old "big tent" Michael Steele decided he no longer liked those middle-of-the-road candidates he'd already selected to run in various 2010 races. In fact, he now despises these disgusting traitors and would do everything in his power to "come after" these terrorists and socialists masquerading as "moderate" Republicans.

"Candidates who live in moderate to slightly liberal districts have got to walk a little bit carefully here, because you do not want to put yourself in a position where you’re crossing that line on conservative principles, fiscal principles, because we’ll come after you," Steele told ABC’s Top Line in response to a question about Republicans who support the White House’s stimulus and health care plans.

"You’re gonna find yourself in a very tough hole if you’re arguing for the president’s stimulus plan or Nancy Pelosi’s health plan. There’s no justification for growing the size of government the way this administration and this Congress wants to do it."

Awww, snap! Steele ain't playing, yo! He will straight up go Joe Wilson on anyone who dare reach across the aisle to help America.

While Steele didn't name names, dem fightin' words could be taken as a warning to governors Charlie Crist and Arnold Schwarzenegger for supporting NObama's terrible stimulus (like a bunch of Barry-whipped pansies) and Sen. Olympia Snowe for being the lone Republican senator to side with the Democratic grandma slayers and Nazis trying to reform health care.

He also hinted that the RNC will move further right and try to capture the support of tea partiers because, "We still are and remain the conservative party."

"The challenge now, as you see the emergence of the 9/12 movement and the tea parties and so forth, is to help them appreciate that we're with them, we're walking that walk with them," he said. "We're making the same arguments they're making about government intrusion into health care and the economy, stripping our freedoms, and that is a very difficult walk."

Of course it's difficult! The road to nowhere always is.

Psyche! Maine Voters Decide Not To Give The Gays Equal Rights After All

Maine voters came thisclose to becoming the first electorate in any state to say sure, why the hell not let the gays marry like the rest of us one man plus one woman miseries before deciding eh, on second thought, they'd rather keep that hetero perk all to their newly puritan selves.

After all, this is Maine, people--not some Kumbaya-chanting hippie commune like Iowa.

Besides, with Sen. Olympia Snowe already crossing the aisle as the sole Republican to support health care reform, Maine's trailblazer reputation is already secured, so there's no need to get all wild 'n crazy and start actually treating the gays like real citizens who are afforded the same constitutional protections as everyone else. We're not trying to ruffle any feathers here! That's part of what makes Maine, well Maine.

If being ordinary and unexciting wasn't a part of its history, how else could this proud, 40th most populous state of 1,316,456 be home to the thriving Northeast metropolis known as Portland–South Portland–Biddeford?

Although, gay marriage has now lost in every single state in which civil rights are left up to the voters for a positively St. Louis Rams/Detroit Lions-like record of 0-31, gay rights activists and the handful of hetero Americans who thought the whole 'separate but equal' issue was settled with the Supreme Court's unanimous 1954 landmark Brown v. Board of Education ruling striking down segregation as unconstitutional under the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, were disappointed to learn that (much like California) the same standards of jurisprudence simply don't apply to queers in Maine either.

Turns out that even Maine's independent streak and irrepressible Yankee spirit of fairness and individuality wasn't enough to stop the hate juggernaut or the indisputable fact that when marriage equality is decided by voters, Jesus tends to trump justice.

I mean if gay marriage cannot win in the original bastion of same-sex sin California, was it ever realistic to expect a rainbow-colored welcome banner in Maine, with or without the Mormon-led cruasde against the scourge of Homosinuality.

As long as America allows civil rights to be decided by voters at the ballot box instead of as a Federal constitutional matter before the U.S. Supreme Court, true equality and freedom--like the founding fathers intended--will never be realized.

Think about it, if we treated blacks like we treat the gays, half the South would still be hosing down black kids trying to go to school, ride the bus, or God forbid, drink from a (whites-only) fountain.

But I guess we could always compromise and enact something like Don't Ask, Don't Tell. We can all just run around with paper bags over our heads and Hazmat suits on our bodies so nobody knows anything about anybody. That way, who's black, white or sparkly-rainbow colored would all remain hidden under a common cloak of freedom.

Just like the good old days!

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/03/maine-gay-marriage-vote-e_n_344688.html

GOP: Meaningless Wins In VA, NJ Prove Obama Should Immediately Resign

Last month, I told you all about Robert F. "Bob" McDonnell and the skeleton in his closet coming in the form of a 93-page master’s thesis written when Bob was a wee 34-year-old evangelical grad student trying to find his place among the "cohabitators," "homosexuals," "fornicators," "working women," "feminists," "abortionists" and the rest of the heathens responsible for this cesspool of sin clogging America's moral judgment.

Fast forward to Nov. 3 2009, when this nice, God-fearing man has managed to push this decades-old pile o' bones college-ruled papers back in the storage closet behind all the old linens and photo-albums and handily defeat Democratic challenger Creigh Deeds to assume his rightful place as the new Governor of Virginia. Wooohooo!

This means that Virginia can finally break free from the Socialist grip of last year's terrible NObama disaster after 44 fabulous years of Republican domination in the state, a period nostalgically known in GOP circles as Pax Virginia.

And with GOP victories of any kind not exactly easy to come by these days, you can be sure the Republicans weren't about to pass up the chance to prove they're not just the party of centenarians, secessionists, and off-the-hook chairmen.

"These significant victories speak to the fantastic campaigns run by Republicans across the Commonwealth and the voters’ clear rejection of liberal tax and spend policies that Washington Democrats are trying to force on Americans," Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said.

House Minority Whip and runner-up in the Republican inappropriate behavior contest Eric Cantor (R-Va.) managed to pry himself away from the Twitter app on his blackberry to congratulate McDonnell supporters on sending a clear message to national politicians (in more than 140 characters): "Enough with the incredible reach of government into our lives."

"Bob McDonnell has led us to victory after eight dark years in the wilderness...You know what's so great: Bob ran a great campaign, but it was also a positive campaign."

Meaning the Republicans didn't even have to resort to their usual playbook of lying, manipulating and deceiving their way into power. Yay!

Conservative Party candidate and third-wheel surprise in New York's 23rd Congressional District, Doug Hoffman is hoping this GOPmentum extends to his campaign to return Congress to responsible, conservative hands.

"Hopefully the Republican party, of which I’m a lifelong member, utilizes this energy and excitement of people coming to my support because we’ll need it in 2010," he said. "We’re just standing up for the core values that made America strong — less government, less taxes, less spending."

Ah yes, the very definition of George W. Bush's eight year reign, bringing prosperity and peace throughout the land.

Or at least to the 1,600 acres on his Crawford, Texas ranch.

Who Needs The NFL When You Can Have Michele Bachmann's "Super Bowl Of Freedom?"

Minnesota's seductive but equally insane Representative from hell Michele Bachmann took a break from undressing "stunning" fellow aqua-eyed right-wing darling Rep. Steve King with her piercing baby blues before a packed House floor to promote her upcoming "Super Bowl of Freedom" involving not pigskin and padding but teabaggers and testosterone.

Bachmann is urging the true patriots among us--you know, those dedicated warriors willing to slit their wrists for freedom--to descend upon the steps of the Capitol like the plague of locusts sent straight from the Lord to demand Congress stop trying to destroy America by shoving affordable, quality health care down our not-even-sore throats.

"The only way they're going to listen is if real freedom-loving Americans come here to Washington noon on Thursday, look at the whites of the eyes of their members of Congress and say, 'Don't you remember, I told you don't take away my health care,'" she said.

And if that's not enough to get Joe six-pack and other freedom fighters off the couch, out of their trailers, and into action, perhaps the blinding star wattage of such conservative luminaries as Jon Voight might change their simple little minds. Ooooh, just think how proud Angie must be to call him Papa!

As if her House Republican-endorsed inside-the-Capitol tea party isn't exciting enough, Michele used the occasion to unveil the slick, new catch phrase she's been working on, sure to please even the most discerning nutjob. "Socialized medicine is the crown jewel of socialism. This will change our country forever."

And you my Belle are the crown jewel of psychopaths. Luckily, this won't change anything in any way whatsoever because mental health isn't anything freedom-loving capitalists need bother with, since a perfectly functioning health care system like ours doesn't extend to imaginary liberal maladies like mental illness.

How else would the Republican Party be in such tip-top shape and so mentally fit as to entrust the future of their dear party to this self-proclaimed fool for Jesus who answers only to the higher calling of her one true Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whenever He personally calls upon her to fulfill His divine mission here on Earth.

Let's just hope He reminded her to bring the Doritos.

Meghan McCain's Bountiful Breasts Know Joe Lieberman's No Traitor!

Sassy blogger Megs McCain is upset. And not just because some meanies on the teevee and radio made fun of her voluptuous curves and God-given set of full, ample breasts. But something far, far worse--the terrible treatment of her favoritest turncoat and longtime role model Senator Joe Lieberman.

For some absurd reason, everyone hates ol' Joe Liebs just because he has the "courage" to stand up to all those greedy Americans who can't afford adequate coverage by threatening to filibuster any health care reform bill that includes the dreaded public option.

You see Meghan understands what it feels like to be hated just for having big boobs, blonde hair, and a super famous daddy run for president. So she totally gets what Joe is going through standing up for his beliefs by betraying the Democratic Party and all.

"The older generation needs to understand that my generation does not respond well to anger, hate, and personal attacks. We are a generation of communicators, and to us, actions speak louder than loud words. Perpetuating negativity will only result in the tuning out of another generation of voters, and we simply can’t afford that. I find it especially ironic that most of those who criticize Senator Lieberman more often than not have never run for elected office. But as the old saying goes, those that can’t do, criticize."

Hahahahahahahaha! You're so right Meghan! Except when they get their own Daily Beast column. Then they do that instead.

"Let’s face it, it's easy to preach to the converted and many people have mastered the art of the negative sound bite. If I want to hear the liberal bias, I will turn on MSNBC. If I want to hear conservative dogma, I will turn on Fox. But where do people go to listen to the Joe Liebermans of the world? Where can we hear voices that dare to cross party lines, think outside the box, and say what they truly believe? If this country wants to simply be a place of extreme partisan politics, I think we are well on our way. If people like Senator Lieberman are treated with such disrespect for daring to be true to their political beliefs, there will really be no hope for independent thinkers of my generation to be inspired to join the political process."

And then where will impressionable young mavericks-to-be who confuse bipartisanship and outside-the-box thinking with selling out for political ends and personal gain turn to? I, for one, can't begin to imagine the kind of world it would be without American heroes like Gramps McCain, hip daughter Meghan, and of course charismatic merrymaker Joe Lieberman working hard on behalf of the American people.

"And for the record, Senator Lieberman is now an even greater source of inspiration and comfort to me in politics."

And you to us, Meggy. Especially with those two irresistibly soft lovely pillows.

Obama Is A 'Radical Leader,' 'Child' Just Like Rush Is 'Thin,' 'Sane'

Morbidly-obese-turned-gastric-bypass poster boy Rush Limbaugh took a break from shoveling beef patties into his mouth to show off the latest miracle of modern science, his svelte new body! And of course to say a bunch of crazy sh*t about his favorite man crush Barack Obama.

Yes, the man considered too big a loser for even the lowly Rams, Rush Hudson Limbaugh, appeared on Fox News Sunday to offer his enlightened (if only in actual weight) view of President Obama's deviant quest to destroy America.

It is not surprising a high-school educated genius like Rush thinks Obama is "immature," "narcissistic" and "in over his head," he simply doesn't understand what anyone could possibly see in an egomaniac man-child like Barry.

"I think he's got an out-of-this-world ego," Limbaugh said. "He’s a child. I think he's got a five minute career."

He also thinks he's fooling anyone into believing he actually lost weight with the old diet-exercise combo, which is why he doesn't do it very often. Think that is. (He's just not that good at it).

But that didn't stop El Rushbo from accusing terrible Barry of "not caring" about the war in Afghanistan, "actively seeking the defeat of the U.S. military," and using a ceremony to honor fallen soldiers as a "photo-op" to distract dumb schmucks like you and me from knowing the truth about how he's too pussy to send 40,000 U.S. soldiers to die in some bumblef**k poppy fields in the middle of Afghanistan.

"It was a photo-op precisely because he’s having big time trouble on this Afghanistan dithering situation," he said, doing his best to prove that Dick Cheney isn't the only right-wing kook with balls big enough to actually use the word dithering and still think they're relevant to anyone besides those who hear Spam and still think of canned meat.

"We've never seen this kind of radical leader at such a high level of power in this county." We, of course referring to the percentage of the U.S. population who've been squatting in Dick Cheney's vacant underground lair for the last 8 years.

Limbaugh also attacked that no-good Obama for ruining the robust economy the last Republican administration worked so diligently to create.

"I believe that the economy is under siege. They’re destroying it, and I have to think that it may be on purpose," Rush said, adding that "anybody with any economic literacy would not do one thing that this administration's done."

And who would know more about economics or literacy than a college dropout who flunked ballroom dancing?

Lucky for us, Rush's keen insight also extends to health care reform.

"This is not about insuring the uninsured. This is not about health care. This is about stealing one-sixth of the U.S. private sector." That, Limbaugh said, is "the easiest, fastest way for them to be able to regulate every aspect of human behavior."

And if it were up to him, he'd start with that "pompous windbag" and "walking comedy of errors" Vice President Joe Biden.

Unlike that humble Barracuda babe with brains and a hot rack. "I do have profound respect for Sarah Palin."

Ha ha, hear that all you butt-ugly spinsters and lesbians who concocted "feminism as a way to allow fellow unattractive women easier access to mainstream society?"

The gig's up.

Baruch Obama Saves The Jews!

Remember that whole to do about how Obama is really a secret Muslim terrorist who would love nothing more than to gleefully watch Israel sink into the Mediterranean, along with the rest of the pesky Jews? Well, much like Sarah Palin's knowledge of anything other than how to field dress wild game and wayward ex-boyfriends, this too was proven false.

Turns out the State Department's been running a super-secret operation to get Jews the f**k out of Yemen and into a land where they won't coincidentally be the target of every increasingly violent incident rocking the country. So, basically that leaves the United States and Israel.

Of the 350 Jews living in Yemen before the operation began (apparently they have them), about 60 have already been resettled, and about 100 more are on their way. Those remaining will most likely stay in Yemen in a "government enclave" to protect them from rising anti-Semiticism in the form of crazed al-Qaeda terrorists running around, solidifying their stronghold on the country.

But the secret evacuation of anyone, let alone an entire community of (less than beloved) Jews living for centuries in near total isolation in the Arabian Peninsula, is no easy task. There's the usual growing pains like trying to board a flight with live chickens, understanding that running water and electricity are not omens from God but inventions from man, and other minor adjustments living links with the ancient world make when joining the rest of 21st century society.

To complicate matters, the U.S. State Department risked opening themselves up to criticism for helping a bunch of Jews no one knew existed escape a country no one's really heard of, at a time when refugees around the world are clamoring for a haven of their own.

I mean it's not like the U.S. likes Jews more than any other persecuted group seeking salvation it's just that they serve dual humanitarian and geopolitical purposes. Not only would America get to rescue a group threatened because of its religion (Brownie points!!), but also hopefully prevent an international embarrassment for its embattled Arab ally.

Despite his efforts, Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh was having a difficult time protecting himself, let alone a bunch of weird stone-age Jews with curly hair. The alternative--risking broader attacks on the Jews--could well have undermined the Obama administration's efforts to rally support for President Saleh at home and abroad, and prevent Yemen from becoming the the next 'stan we feel compelled to invade.

The Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society's network has been helping arrange housing and disburse food stamps, cash and other refugee benefits to the Yemeni arrivals. However, many of the adults aren't yet capable of budgeting, following a schedule or sitting still in a structured classroom to learn English.

Well, well looks like someone's fitting into America just perfectly!

Ken Cuccinelli's Virginia Is For Straight Lovers & Lovers Of Animals

Virginia may be for lovers (dog and otherwise) but it is certainly not for homosexuals. Heaven forbid!

And Ken Cuccinelli, the Republican candidate for Virginia's attorney general intends to keep it that way. Which is why, if elected, he will absolutely not commit to enforcing some sissy nondiscrimination policy protecting homos because they are not normal people like you, me and those five cops arrested for masturbating a German Shepherd.

As he explained to The Virginian-Pilot, "My view is that homosexual acts, not homosexuality, but homosexual acts are wrong. They’re intrinsically wrong. And I think in a natural law-based country it's appropriate to have policies that reflect that...They don’t comport with natural law. I happen to think that it represents (to put it politely; I need my thesaurus to be polite) behavior that is not healthy to an individual and in aggregate is not healthy to society."

Well thank the good Lord someone has the courage of conviction to stand up to those deviant pink triangle people. Otherwise, who knows what sick, twisted things might happen?

Let the kooky queers have their way and next thing you know five Virginia Department of Corrections officers are charged with animal cruelty for fondling a K-9 dog and videotaping the entire canine rubdown.

According to Powhatan Commonwealth’s Attorney Robert B. Beasley Jr., one of the officers, Kelvin Thompson, "allegedly had some sexual contact with the animal," adding that the male dog, a German shepherd or shepherd mix, was not harmed.

"Essentially, he was touching the dog’s penis with his hand," Beasley said. "The others were there filming it. That’s actually how we learned of it — there’s a video."

Terry N. Grimes, a Roanoke attorney representing officer Thompson, said his client planned to plead not guilty to animal cruelty but admitted to fondling the animal.

"I would characterize it as hazing," he said, claiming that Thompson was told by the others, "If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it."

Beasley said all five officers were training at the Academy for Staff Development to become K-9 handlers and now face the same misdemeanor animal-cruelty charges, punishable by up to a year in jail and a $1,000 fine.

"They were all kind of there assisting in one way or the other," he said.

Between Virginia's whole "treat homos equally" nondiscrimination hullabaloo and felony bestiality charges requiring more than just innocent "petting" but "carnal knowledge of a brute beast" (aka hot sex w/Lassie), such lax sex laws are simply an open invitation to the Devil's Playground.

Luckily, there's Ken Cuccinelli to ensure the gays know recess is over. If they want equal rights, they're barking up the wrong tree.

In Cuccinelli's Virginia, that's reserved for police officers who like to give hand jobs to their dogs, thank you very much. We're trying to create a "healthy society" here, remember?

If The Public Option Doesn't Kill You First, Mitch McConnell's Stupidity Will

Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell sees where the Republican Party is going (not far) and naturally wants to lead the way. Unlike that dumb cow Michael Steele, big Mitch is not about to let this train(wreck) leave the station without its captain on board. No sir-ee!

That's why this responsible GOP leader from Kentucky is taking his dire warning of a health care reform holocaust straight to the American people!

Don't let those demonic Democrats fool you--the public option just "may cost you your life."

Luckily, Mitch McConnell is here to guide us through this medical apocalypse.

Excerpts of his enlightened interview on Dennis Miller's radio show:

MCCONNELL: Well, it doesn’t make any difference frankly whether you opt-in or you opt-out, it’s still a government plan. You know, Medicaid, the program for the poor now, states can opt-out of that, but none of them have. I think if you have any kind of government insurance program, you’re going to be stuck with it and it will lead us in the direction of the European style, you know, sort of British-style, single payer, government run system. And those systems are known for delays, denial of care and, you know, if your particular malady doesn’t fit the government regulation, you don’t get the medication.

MILLER: Right. (Really Dennis??)

MCCONNELL: And it may cost you your life. I mean, we don’t want to go down that path.

No we certainly do not! Anything's better than letting the evil government of this country we adore be in charge of a program that directly affects the lives of millions of its citizens. That would be like asking death on a date.

Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather play it safe and stick with what works. Or what doesn't, if you're Republican. Better screwed than sorry!

Sarah Palin Doesn't Have Time For Naked Retards Like Levi Johnston

Alaskan oilfield worker turned celebrity baby daddy turned famous nude model Levi Johnston is apparently getting ready for his next big gig stuffed and hanging as the newest decorative piece on a wall in Sarah Palin's home office.

Which would help explain Johnston's interview on CBS's "The Early Show" repeating his earlier accusation that Sarah Palin is a terrible person and even worse mother who routinely referred to her son, Trig, who suffers from Down syndrome, as her "retarded baby."

"I was just in shock for the first time I heard it," Johnston said. "And then she'd say it regularly. And I think she was joking, but it doesn't make it right."

You bet(cha) your special needs ass it doesn't!

But being the gentleman he is, Levi's not gonna sit here and bad mouth that conniving, fame-seeking fraud Sarah Palin, opting to take the high road instead.

"There are some things that I have that are huge. And I haven’t said them because I'm not gonna hurt her that way...You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could, very easily. But there’s — I’m not gonna do it. I’m not going that far."

Still, Johnston said, "Those are just little things I put in Vanity Fair. You know, all the big things I got, I'm keeping -- you know, I'm keeping them in, and -- you know, it's just something that probably will never come out."

But don't worry because the real goods are still coming out--in an upcoming issue of Playgirl magazine--when Levi exposes the Johnston America's been waiting for.

Rest assured because like everything else Levi is involved in, the Playgirl spread will be done "tastefully."

"I'm not gonna just go out there and get naked." Ha ha, I mean what do you think he is some kind of idiot or something?

Whatever dude. Levi knows haters like Sarah will always do whatever they can to bring playas like him down.

"I'm sure Sarah's got something coming for me...I'm not worried about her saying anything about me. I've really never done anything bad. I don't have anything to hide. So she can go on and say what she wants."

Oh don't you worry Levi, something tells me that's one thing you can bank on.

Loyal Palin spokeswoman and defender from evil event planners Meg Stapleton is all over this latest attack on her majesty.

"We have purposefully ignored the mean spirited, malicious and untrue attacks on our family," Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said in an email. "We, like many, are appalled at the inflammatory statements being made or implied. Trig is our ‘blessed little angel’ who knows it and is lovingly called that every day of his life. Even the thought that anyone would refer to Trig by any disparaging name is sickening and sad."

Palin, who did not refer to Johnston (as a blessed little angel or specifically by name at all) singled out CBS for giving him a "forum to propagate lies" and alluded to Johnston's upcoming bare-all spread in Playgirl magazine.

“Consider the source of the most recent attention-getting lies - those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention,” she said.

Well well, imagine that. Guess you could just say he decided to go rogue!

Michele Bachmann Would Love To Be Queen To This "Stunning" King

Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann may be willing to slit her wrists for freedom but turns out patriotic bloodletting isn't the only thing to get this right-wing raven all hot and bothered.

That my friends is up to kindred spirit and "stunning" fellow nutball Rep. Steve King of Iowa whose sexy baby blues and virulent homophobia is enough to melt the ice-cold heart of this seductively unstable Land O' Lakes vixen.

In fact, Michele Bachmann is so smitten with this anti-gay crusading, chiseled, stud muffin that she cannot use a single word to describe this sexy, rock-hard definition of manhood other than stunning.

Michele's latest eye-f**king of Mr. King occurred just this week on the House floor when she yielded to the "stunning" Representative from Iowa and proved to the world her true calling lies not in Congress but in low-budget pornography films where her and Steve would be free to strip amendments and filibuster each other all night long.

While Bachmann may not be ready or mentally balanced enough to make a White House run of her own, she does know one studly, testosterone-pumping beefcake of a man who would be a perfect candidate to get embarrassed in 2012.

"I have a very high opinion of Steve King and his ability, so I would encourage him to consider any position for higher office." Or any position where he's on top of her for that matter.

While Bachmann attributes the "stunning" nickname to the national media, political commentators and other such pundits and insiders, the ever-adorable congressman from Minnesota seems to be the only person actually using the stunning label to describe King.

Asshole, sure. Racist whackjob, maybe. Ignorant bigot, no doubt. But stunning? Eh, a quick search of Google and Lexis Nexis seems to prove that's reserved for Michele and Michele alone.

Let's examine the evidence:

I must have my cape on. To the stunning gentleman from Iowa, the great Steve King, I want to thank you for allowing me to be a part of this discussion that you're broaching. And you've done a wonderful job all week on different occasions talking about the true depth of this problem and the positive alternatives. --September 17, 2009

I could never hold a candle to the stunning Steve King of Iowa, so I thank you for deferring to me for a few minutes, and I am extremely grateful for the gentleman's comments on the floor so far this evening. --September 14, 2009

I want to thank so much my colleague, Steve King from Iowa -- the "stunning" Steve King of Iowa, as he is known in the mainstream media, so grateful for your advocacy, and also for that of Judge Gohmert. And Judge Gohmert, I trust that you're a hanging judge down in the State of Texas. --April 28, 2009

I thank the gentleman from Iowa, also known as the Stunning Steve King of Iowa, as stated by national political commentators, who certainly know what they are talking about. Steve King is one of our stalwart patriots who is here on the floor fighting on behalf of the American people. --March 24, 2009

I would like to add to the stunning Steve King from Iowa for his comment. --March 12, 2009

So basically one blue-eyed, raving madwoman wants to bang an equally insane ocean-eyed defender of all things Jesus, moral, and white.

What a stunning coincidence!!

Royally Screwed: The Crank Queen & Her Stunning King

Joe Lieberman See's Opportunity To Fulfill His Destiny As Biggest Buzzkill Ever

America's most boring, backstabbing, rat pariah Senator Joe Lieberman woke up this morning only to realize it was late October and he hadn't filled his "What can I do to piss everyone off?" quota for the month.

This made him very upset. So upset in fact that he was forced to quicken his slow, lumbering gait and hurry his droopy self over to reporters to hastily explain his reasons for wanting to screw up the whole health care reform thing. Perhaps a troubled childhood? Or maybe he's just jealous of that Harry Reid fellow for also being boring, old and annoying, yet oddly likable or at least compared to sniveling, self-serving frauds like himself.

"I told Senator Reid that I’m strongly inclined–I haven’t totally decided, but I’m strongly inclined–to vote to proceed to the health care debate, even though I don’t support the bill that he’s bringing together because it’s important that we start the debate on health care reform because I want to vote for health care reform this year. But I also told him that if the bill remains what it is now, I will not be able to support a cloture motion before final passage. Therefore I will try to stop the passage of the bill."

Of course, this man of honor (and the magic #60 for Democrats in a cloture vote) would totally side with Republicans to filibuster any health reform bill he doesn't agree with because that's basically what Democrat-turned-Independent-turned outcast congressional nuisances do when they aren't getting enough attention.

"I think a lot of people may think that the public option is free. It’s not. It’s going to cost the taxpayers and people who have health insurance now, and if it doesn’t it’s going to add terribly to the national debt…there’s so much in this health reform legislation that is so good, that I think they’re just putting an unnecessary burden on top of it by creating another Washington-based entitlement program."

Oh, Joe, Joe Joe! Just because you're still bitter about being embarrassed in the 2006 Democratic primary and having to switch parties (because no one likes you) doesn't mean you have to ruin everything and sell your soul all so some sketchy corporation continues to fund your pathetic campaign to desperately cling to power.

You may be a lot of things (whiny, petty, and mind-blowingly dull), but we all know you're not stupid. Or at least not in the Sarah Palin kind of way, which means you know very well the public option wouldn't be a government-funded entitlement for free health care like you claim, but a self-sufficient program financed by premiums and unable to draw on federal funds, with the whole concept being the opposite of difficult to understand and all.

Never mind the fact his statements are at great odds with the findings of most experts, who say that by lowering the government's subsidy burden, a public option will actually save money. Joe pays no mind to annoying trivialities like facts and truth.

Think about it. How else would he continue his impressive streak as the hands-down winner of the people's choice awards for douchiest senator ever? I mean you don't get to be the greatest mistake the public ever made for nothing!

2012 GOP Candidates As Diverse And Exciting As Their Ideas

In the vast wasteland that is the 2012 GOP presidential landscape, fresh-faced stars join seasoned statesman to create a powerful right-wing juggernaut designed to bring down NObama and the rest of those God-awful Democrats ruining America.

Now normally this would sound like a delightful plan to reinvigorate a hurting Grand Old Party and restore America's faith in the conservative movement by reclaiming their rightful place on vacation on a ranch in Texas in the White House.

Of course, this would require that the candidates are people voters actually think are competent enough to babysit their kids, let alone an entire nation, but with the elections three or so years away, who really has time for such formalities?

There's the always-compelling, perennial frontrunners (??) like Mittens Romney, Newt "Are You Morons Really Gonna Force Me To Run?" Gingrich, and formerly obese master of meaningless Iowa straw polls Mike Huckabee.

And let's not forget adorable, already-sparkling superstars like sexy, semi-retired multimillionaire Sarah Palin and nerdy, token minority Piyush "Bobby" Jindal whose charm and charisma is enough to make an AARP member want to grab the Bengay and boogie down.

Even Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty (who??) is getting in the game, casually ramping up his national profile by launching his political action committee "Freedom First" in order to travel the country talking to assorted teabaggers, secessionists, birthers and other nutjobs about how this secret Muslim President is destroying America by fixing its health care system and winning Nobel Peace Prizes.

"History proves that it is weakness, not strength, that tempts our enemies," Pawlenty said in an interview with Newsmax. "And he is projecting potential weakness, and enemies may see that and their respect may be reduced as a result of that, or worse."

Like they might even get a shoe chucked at their head??

Pawlenty also accused the president of being "extremely partisan in his approaches," particularly when it comes to pushing his socialist health care agenda.

"President Obama has governed in an extremely liberal way, and he hasn't accomplished many major initiatives, but the few that he has have been almost exclusively partisan," he said. "That defies what he said during the campaign and doesn't live up to that promise."

Obama has "a philosophy that government knows best, a nanny-state mentality on domestic issues that will ultimately be corrosive to the other pillars of our country - to markets, private enterprise, individual responsibility, freedom and liberty."

God damn you NObama! I mean can you believe the nerve of that guy? Thinking government knows best or even knows anything about how to run a country anywhere except straight into the ground is simply absurd!

One thing's for sure: George W. Bush certainly never had any delusions he could alter the course of history or that his decisions would have unanticipated consequences and far-reaching effects. Except of course on those few occasions when he was acting on behalf of a higher power as God's chosen messenger on Earth.

Hammer Time With Harry Reid: Public Option, Can't Touch This!

That other Mormon politician not named Mittens, frail Senate majority leader Harry Reid is getting ready to unveil his health care proposal this afternoon, despite urging from the White House and Nancy Pelosi to kindly disappear in the Nevada desert and keep his dirty paws to himself or risk getting the sh*t slapped out of him by a certain Madame Speaker.

But Harry has never been one to listen to others, especially in the form of advice from the President or dismal approval numbers in every public opinion poll, which is why he will announce plans to push ahead with a public option vote--one that includes an opt-out provision for states--since he's spent the entire weekend begging members to pretty please support his measure cause he really doesn't want to get sent back to that Nevada hell he came from, a sad, broken man.

But the White House is nervous that this wisp of a Senate leader may imperil their chances of a bipartisan health care bill by alienating some Snow(e) woman from Maine and the one Republican whose idea of health care reform isn't limited to euthanizing Obama.

"In case the White House hasn't noticed, Republicans in Congress are engaged in what amounts to a sitdown strike. They don't like anything about Obama or his policies; they have no interest in seeing him succeed," Newsweek's Howard Fineman writes. "Despite the occasional protestation to the contrary, the GOP has no intention of helping him pass any legislation. Snowe may very well end up voting for whatever she and Democrats craft, but that won't make the outcome bipartisan any more than dancing shoes made Tom DeLay Fred Astaire...Worse, the pursuit of Snowe isn't uniting Democrats; it is dividing them."

Yes, but at least the Dems have secured their own Ginger Rogers to help dance their health care reform through Congress, even if it ends up injured, limping and breathing on a respirator. Anything's better than Tom DeLay in sparkly tights and a unitard.

Fineman continues that "some form of a public option is favored not only by most Democrats in Congress but by most of the American people. If Obama and the Democrats really want such a plan, they may as well try to get tough. For inspiration, the president might consider a Longfellow poem: "'In this world, a man must either be an anvil or a hammer.'"

Otherwise, we all get screwed.

Luckily, this 70-year-old convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is just the man for the job. They don't call him Harry "Mason" Reid for nothing.

GOP Poll Numbers: How Low Can You Go?

For a party with no vision, no ideas (other than getting rid of that n'er do well NObama), and no real leadership to speak of, the Republican Party has seen brighter days. Oh Ronnie Reagan, why did you have to leave us?

So it comes as no real shock that the proud party of slave-owners, birthers, and teabaggers would have its lowest approval ratings in over a decade.

According to a new CNN poll, only 36 percent of people have a favorable view of the GOP, with a 54% majority thinking they are a bunch of demented Fox News-obsessed neanderthals who'd follow Glenn Beck off a cliff if he cried hard enough.

In fact, the last time the GOP was this bad in CNN's polling was way back in December 1998 when the Republican morality patrol in Congress were all hot and bothered by a certain Democratic "nasty, bad, naughty boy" catching bjs in the Oval Office when he should be soliciting sex in a Minnesota airport mensroom like a normal, decent Republican senator from Idaho named Larry Craig.

According to CNN Polling Director Keating Holland, "The Republican party may still be battling the legacy left to them by George W. Bush. They have also spent a lot of time in 2009 working against Democratic proposals. That hasn't left them a lot of time so far this year to present a positive, post-Bush message. Of course, there is still plenty of time for them to do so before the 2010 midterms."

What in sweet suffering Jesus do you mean?? They are positively sure that racism, war-mongering, and an inherent aversion to change or progress of any kind is the sure-fire way to secure a spectacular Republican comeback in 2010, the likes of which we've never seen!

If not, there's always secession.

Dick Cheney Breaks Out His Olde English Dictionary To Bring Down NObama

Every so often, dark, powerful forces emerge from the dank Earth below to complete their obligation to the natural world. Sometimes it comes in the form of cicadas whose short but vital existence of procreation, death, and nourishment of the Earth is essential to sustaining the natural rhythm of life. Other times it comes in the form of Dick Cheney whose sneering decrepit being emerges from the shadows to unleash his wrath upon unsuspecting mortals. This time his fury is directed at a whippersnapper named Barry for not causing enough death and destruction anywhere, but certainly not in Afghanistan.

"Having announced his Afghanistan strategy last March, President Obama now seems afraid to make a decision, and unable to provide his commander on the ground with the troops he needs to complete his mission...It's time for President Obama to make good on his promise. The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger."

Since we don't have an angry-old-man-to-English translator, we can only assume dithering is some senior citizen insult that went extinct some time during the Mesozoic Era.

"Make no mistake, signals of indecision out of Washington hurt our allies and embolden our adversaries. Waffling while our troops on the ground face an emboldened enemy endangers them and hurts our cause."

"Now they seem to be pulling back and blaming others for their failure to implement the strategy they embraced. It’s time for President Obama to do what it takes to win a war he has repeatedly and rightly called a war of necessity."

Ha ha too bad NObama is too big a pussy to send thousands of American soldiers to die in the rugged mountains of Tora Bora without thinking long and hard about it. You'll have to excuse Dick for not realizing America had a girly-girl in the White House instead of a strong man like Cheney or his two daughters(?) Liz and Mary.

I mean with all his helpful advice, you would think Dick had like 8 or so years to do something about that fun little war in Afghanistan, like actually winning (or making progress of any kind) instead of abandoning it to find all the oil WMDs in Iraq.

"You would think that our successors would be going to the intelligence community saying, 'How did you do it? What were the keys to preventing another attack over that period of time?'"

"Instead, they’ve chosen a different path entirely – giving in to the angry left, slandering people who did a hard job well, and demagoguing an issue more serious than any other they’ll face in these four years. No one knows just where that path will lead, but I can promise you this: There will always be plenty of us willing to stand up for the policies and the people that have kept this country safe."

Or at least when we're not wheelchair bound after undergoing yet another life saving operation to unclog our arteries and scrape away the fatty deposits blocking our blood flow.

But either way, there will always be some patriot like Dick to torture suspects, massacre civilians, squander international respect, botch military operations and use old man words to yell at likable presidents for not following the sound advice of the previous administration whose idea of peace is the deafening silence of carnage and death after being leveled by a heat-seeking missile courtesy of the mighty red, white, and blue.

USA! USA! USA! The bestest, strongest, most awesomest country in the whole damn world. No, make that the universe.

GET MOTIVATED! With Special Guest Speaker & Two-Time Presidential Failure George W. Bush

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Former president Bush has traded in his old chums Condi, Cheney, and Rummy and his quiet life of shameful self-imposed exile for a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be part of something truly amazing: to hang with the big boys of business and personal betterment. The presidency was just a warm-up, ladies and germs!

Of course, between his MBA and stellar handling of the economy, Bush may be "America's #1 Expert on Business Success," but he is just one of many stars ready to make your wildest dreams of endless money and unchecked power come true.

The GET MOTIVATED Seminar is world famous for its energizing, action-packed, star-studded, fun-filled, spectacular stage show. CNN, 60 Minutes, USA Today, TIME, PEOPLE, The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal all rave about it! This motivational mega-show packs more inspirational firepower than a stick of dynamite!

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That's right folks! Not only do you get George W. Bush in all his inspirational glory, but for the bargain basement rate of $19 (not per person but per office!), you too can have the extraordinary opportunity to hear the words of wisdom from such success stories as:

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• Rudy Giuliani--"America's mayor" and expert at taking advantage of all things 9/11.
• Colin Powell--"legendary soldier-statesman," Bush traitor, and resident expert on using misleading intelligence information as a precursor to war.
• Robert Schuller--eternal optimist, positivity guru, and "America's best inspirational speaker."
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So what are you waiting for? For a mere $19, you too can take advantage of this special offer to hear George W. Bush explain to you and a few thousand desperate other people how to get back on your feet and embark upon your own personal success journey! Act quick, because this one-of-a-kind chance to have the worst president in history telling scores of lost souls how they too can be spectacular failures just like him, won't last long!

**Disclaimer:** Not responsible for weakened countries, failed policies, civil unrest, drowned Bayou cities, bankrupted economies, mass war casualties, stock market meltdowns, environmental Armageddon, constitutional trampling, and extreme loss of confidence in the competence of former two-term presidents who can't pronounce nuclear but sure can throw one hell of a ceremonial first pitch strike. Mission Accomplished!

America, Meet Your Newest Crazy "Dem-Hunting" GOP Rep. Gregg Harper!

Another day, another double-consonant named Republican acts like a moron and reminds us why we should never trust public officials with unnecessary additional letters in their names.

Asked about his participation in the Congressional Sportsmen Caucus during an interview with Politico, Mississippi Republican Rep. Gregg Harper replied: "We hunt liberal, tree-hugging Democrats, although it does seem like a waste of good ammunition."

HAHAHAHAHA! Now, normally this kind of dumb, redneck ignorance is so darn hilarious, it's enough to make a person squeal with delight. That's because it usually comes from some demented, toothless teabagger waving an Obama is Hitler sign, not an elected official responsible for crafting the laws of the nation.

Luckily for us, this southern sparkplug has no interest in breaking his streak of NOT introducing a single bill on the House floor, and is much more content proving those elitists in Washington wrong about what the good, hard-working folks from Mississippi are really like.

"Folks have a common misconception that Mississippi is strictly a rural, outdoors state. While we are famous for our hunting, sport fishing and year-round golf, we also have leading manufacturers like Peavey Electronics and Viking Range Corp."

See, not everyone in the M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I is as backwards as their proud, double-G representative Gregg Harper, whose biggest challenge as a congressman is "Trying to find my way around the Rayburn building...Combining my poor sense of direction with a confusing design is not good."

But as long as he continues following the compass of his mentors Haley ("No one 'gets it' more than him") Barbour and Trent ("Living example of what loyalty means") Lott, we're confident things will work out just fine for Mr. Greggggggggg Harper.

He'll spend the next half-century or so reading his favorite Mississippi literary great John Grisham (Eudora Welty and William Faulkner are for pussies), indulging in his guilty pleasure of eating dark chocolate Hershey’s Kisses every day (the closest he ever gets to dark anything) and all the while not once pass a meaningful piece of legislation. Ever.

Looks like someone's got what it takes to be a Republican superstar!

Masters Haley Barbour & Trent Lott In All Their Glory

Mr. "Community Organizer" Reverts To His Race-Baiting Self--Must Be Election Time!

I See Black People!

Rudy Giuliani doesn't much care for "community organizers" or any other secret code name disingenuous former New York City mayors like to use to describe scary black people when pandering to whites-preferred groups like the Republican Party.

Especially when trying to convince a group of frail old Superjews in Brooklyn to vote for Mayor Michael Bloomberg over that frightening, strange-colored man Democrat Bill Thompson.

"I worried daily [in his last days in office] that the city might be turned back to the way it was before 1993—and you know exactly what I'm talking about," Giuliani said. Wink wink.

"This community remembers the fears, the worries and the crimes—and the great fear of going out at night and walking the streets...This city could very easily be taken back in a very different direction — it could very easily be taken back to the way it was with the wrong political leadership."

In other words, elect a black mayor over his perfectly white opponent and it's back to the Shtetl for you, nice old Jewish people who are so easy to scare.

"This is a tired Republican campaign tactic — scare people into voting by threatening their personal safety,” Anne Fenton, spokeswoman for the Thompson campaign, said. "It didn’t work for Rudy Giuliani during his abysmal presidential bid, and it’s not going to work for Mike Bloomberg this year."

City Councilman Bill de Blasio was also appalled.

“Giuliani’s comments verge on race-baiting,” he said. “Bloomberg should disavow those comments and show that he doesn’t buy into that kind of rhetoric.”

What are you crazy? He's a billionaire with the last name Bloomberg. Asking him to not buy something is like asking Rudy Giuliani to actually believe in something.

Fuggedaboudit! Neither one's gonna happen.

Balloon Boy Busted: Adventures In Bad Parenting

To the millions of Americans who wasted an entire afternoon on Thursday glued to their TVs watching in horror as the fate of a 6 year-old boy was dangling in a homemade helium balloon flying wildly out-of-control for more than 50 miles, hahahahaha you've been punk'd!

Turns out the responsible, caring parents who thought it would be brilliant to name their son Falcon, also decided an equally good idea would be to pretend that very boy now faced certain death trapped in a giant silver baker's hat floating high in the Colorado skies.

Talk about effective guerrilla marketing campaigns!

Except for the little fact that the boy was never in the balloon (as his parents claimed) but hiding in his garage attic just like mommy and daddy said he should.

Umm, awkwaaaard.

"It has been determined that this is a hoax, that it was a publicity stunt," Larimer County Sherriff Jim Alderden told a press conference.

"We believe we have evidence at this point to indicate that it was a publicity stunt done with the hopes of better marketing themselves for a reality television show at some point in the future," he said.

It's not every day that a little boy climbs aboard a wayward UFO, triggers a media frenzy, massive search and rescue operation, and grips a nation in terror.

It's also not every day that the very same family happens to have also appeared on the reality show "Wife Swap," where one crazy family trades mothers with another crazy family and America gets to laugh at all the hilarious dysfunction that ensues.

But it wasn't until the Heene family began making the talk show rounds to deny staging the incident (with son Falcon vomiting every time he appeared on camera), that suspicions were aroused.

When a CNN interviewer told Richard Heene to ask his son why he had stayed in hiding so long while searchers were desperately calling his name. the boy said:

"You guys (his parents) said that, um, we did this for the show."

Well isn't that just the darned craziest thing! Turns out the father, who's also a storm chaser, amateur scientist and unemployed actor with dreams of stardom, planned the event for weeks to "create a situation where it appeared that Falcon was in the spacecraft to gain publicity and obtain notoriety for a reality TV show."

"They are actors. Not only have they appeared on TV, they met at acting school in Hollywood," Alderden said. "They put on a very good show for us, and we bought it."

Alderden said Falcon and his brothers, who are 8 and 10, were "100 percent involved" and added the parents "could be charged with conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, making a false police report and attempting to influence a public servant."

"On the bizarre meter, this rates a 10," Alderden said

But on the ratings meter, it's off the charts!! Settle down Jon and Kate, you had your chance.

Obama's Rx For Health Care: Pull Plug On Insurance Companies, Not Grandma

Pat Sullivan / AP Photo

Crazed, shrieking mobs of birthers, secessionists, and teabaggers are one thing. As annoying and demented as they may be, Barry knows these confederate flag-waving patriots simply can't help it if their brains don't function like the rest of us. Such feeble minds deserve our pity, not our scorn!

Not so for those motherf**kers over at the insurance companies whose years of lying, scheming, and fleecing the public finally caused Mr. Barry Chill to lose his signature cool and unleash the full-force of his long-simmering fury.

This time, Badass Barry used his weekly radio/internet address to fire back at the insurance industry, accusing the no-good bastards of using "deceptive and dishonest ads" to derail health care reform because apparently Michael Steele's sacrificial cow on tracks didn't exactly get the job done.

Calling insurance companies "obstacles to change only interested in their own profits and bonuses...willing to bend the truth or break it," Obama blasted the greedy, selfish crooks for being more concerned with fattening our hearts (and thus their wallets) than fixing the system.

But only if by fix you mean repair, 'cause otherwise that's totally not true! They're more than happy to make some under-the-table "arrangements" if you catch my drift.

"It’s smoke and mirrors," Obama said. "It's bogus. And it’s all too familiar. Every time we get close to passing reform, the insurance companies produce these phony studies as a prescription and say, 'Take one of these, and call us in a decade.' Well, not this time."

Rather than trying to curb costs and help patients, he said, the industry is busy "figuring out how to avoid covering people...And they’re earning these profits and bonuses while enjoying a privileged exemption from our antitrust laws--a matter that Congress is rightfully reviewing."

"The insurance industry is rolling out the big guns and breaking open their massive war chest to marshal their forces for one last fight to save the status quo."

But look on the bright side, at least they're trying to save something, even if it is their own assets asses.

Unlike us miserable wretches, I guess some things are worth fighting for.

Louisiana Doesn't Have A Race Problem--If It Were 1955

The bastion of progress and enlightenment otherwise known as Louisiana reminded the nation what exactly makes the Bayou State so darn cuddly (besides the whole "Parish" thing of course) when a justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have.

Louisiana justice Keith Bardwell said he made his decision because it is his experience that "most interracial marriages do not last long."

Not because he's racist or anything.

"I do ceremonies for black couples right here in my house," Bardwell said. "My main concern is for the children. I don't do interracial marriages because I don't want to put children in a situation they didn't bring on themselves," Bardwell said. "In my heart, I feel the children will later suffer."

Plus, if he does an interracial marriage for one couple, he must do the same for all, and since he, tries "to treat everyone equally," that just wouldn't work now would it?

Bardwell said he has discussed the topic with blacks and whites, along with witnessing some interracial marriages. He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society.

Thus, he was actually doing a favor for all those pathetic mulatto bastards still wanderin' around trying so hard to be accepted somewhere, anywhere.

But I suppose a thank you would be too much to ask from those poor multicolored lepers. Especially the presidential ones.

Right-Wing Demands Obama Fire Kevin Jennings For Helping Gay Teens Not Kill Themselves

Kevin Jennings, Educator And Homosexual

Everyone knows, much like the thought of women working, the idea of homosexuals being anything other than a wretched curse on society, who are arbitrarily tossed into prison on questionable sodomy charges (but really for being the colorful flamers they are), makes Republicans very uncomfortable.

Luckily, delightful congressman like Rep. Steve King (R-IA) and 52 other (enlightened) House Republicans have upped the ante of their delusional rantings against director of the Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools and menace to wholesome society Kevin Jennings for threatening all of humanity with his dreaded homosexual agenda.

This is the fate of our children we're talking about!

Which is why it is so reassuring to know we have upstanding lawmakers like Rep. Steve King leading the fight of the righteous to bring down the evil homosexual cabal threatening the very fabric of this great nation. All that flamboyance and cleanliness and pride--it's too much!

As such, King and his patriotic band of anti-gay crusaders have written a formal letter to the White House asking President Barack Obama to fire Jennings on the claim that:

"As the founder of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), Mr. Jennings has played an integral role in promoting homosexuality and pushing a pro-homosexual agenda in America's schools-an agenda that runs counter to the values that many parents desire to instill in their children."

"Throughout his career, Mr. Jennings has made it his mission to establish special protections for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered students to the exclusion of all other students. The totality of Mr. Jennings' career has been to advocate for public affirmation of homosexuality. There is more to safe and drug free schools than can be accomplished from the narrow view of Mr. Jennings who has, for more than 20 years, almost exclusively focused on promoting the homosexual agenda."

This homo-obsessed, rainbow-tinged demon teacher must be stopped! Who knows the countless number of homosexual students--disproportionately the victims of violence and harassment at school--who've been saved by this evil man's commitment "to the safety" of these sinful students?

Meanwhile, the good, straight kids are left to suffer all because they can no longer beat up that one fag in their gym class.

Think about it. Is this really the message we want to be sending our children? That it's okay to be different? Or even worse, that it's okay to be gay and not automatically get your ass kicked by half the football team??

I, for one, don't want to live in a world where smear the queer is nothing more than a friendly romp of playground tag. Apparently, nor does Steve King. And not just because he's the running champ of his favoritist childhood game that also happens to bear his moniker.

No, not Asshole. King of the Hill, silly.