Sarah Palin's Not-At-All-Sketchy Decision To Abandon Alaska

The Fourth of July is supposed to be all about patriotic celebration, with plenty of food, family, fun and fireworks. But nooooooo. Alaskan floozy Sarah Palin had to go and ruin it for everyone by announcing she is quitting her illustrious non-job as governor of our beloved 49th state. She must really hate America to drop a bomb like this on our Independence Day, of all times! For shame, Sarah! Have you no decency?

But what's behind our fair ice queen's rash decision to quit being governor of the frozen tundra and Russian buffer of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election? Certainly her decision was based on more than just sheer lunacy, right?

Hmmm, let's take a look:

• Is Mama Bear Palin's getting ready to welcome another little cub into the mix? One that she can give a bizarre name to, parade around town, and then spend the rest of her days trying to tear the heart out of anyone who dares utter a word about her sweet little miracle of God? Let's just hope this one doesn't end up like Bristol...

• Sarah Palin's brother knows the real reason why lovely sister Sarah called it quits. She was sick and tired of spending "80 percent of her time defending herself" from the evil Media. Which must mean she didn't feel like shrieking at late-night comedians and mean-spirited photoshopping bloggers for wanting daughter Willow raped and special-needs baby Trig murdered, respectively. Screaming for weeks at a time can be so exhausting!

• Perhaps some sort of BIG, about-to-break scandal has sent Sarah suddenly packing? Something nice and juicy involving Sarah and her snow-mobiling, secessionist husband Todd steering lucrative state contracts to a well-connected company, Spenard Building Supplies, in exchange for innocent thank you's like their kick-ass home on pristine Lake Lucille in 2002? Not our sweet Sarah. That Alaskan maverick is gonna clean up ol' Washington once and for all! You betcha' she is!

• Nasty Neocon God Charles Krauthammer told Fox News that Palin is not a serious candidate for Republicans because she's dumber than rocks and any real GOP contender has to actually understand the issues and stop speaking in cliches and platitudes because it just plain looks bad. No foolin' neither!

• Could it be that Sarah's out of the game? Gasp! According to this nasty rumor, Sarah Palin is not running for anything, ever, and that she’s “out of politics for good." Uh-oh. Did Papa Krauthammer push delicate Sarah's last buttons? Or maybe she finally got the hint?? Eh, probably not.

I say the best guess from Palin's "rambling and sometimes confusing" resignation speech is pretty much no one knows what the hell she's doing, least of all the woman herself. She'll finish her book, go promote it in the "lower 48" aka fake America hell, spend time with her (growing?) family, give paid speeches, fundraise for the GOP, talk with folks, and who knows, maybe even consider a national run. Or just a regular one around the old Wasilla jogging trail. Hell, maybe she'll just go back to school. Didn't really stick the first time around.

Sarah Palin And Forrest Gump Have More In Common Than Their IQ

When she's not starting fights with perverted talk show hosts and bloggers who hate special-needs children, Sarah Barracuda Palin likes to throw on a pair of Asics (no hoity toity Nike's for her!), breathe in the beautiful sub-zero Alaskan air and hit the trails runnin'!

Ice queen Sarah Palin knows here's nothing quite like the feeling of your thighs throbbing and lungs burning as you witness the beauty of our 49th state, the great Russian watchdog of Alaska.

"It's absolutely heaven. I see God's hand all over this place. As I get out there and run, I see the most beautiful signs of this evolutionary process that has created the mountains and the glacial retreats that have left the valleys and the rivers."

Evolutionary process?? Please don't tell us you turned all elitist and started believing in science now that you're a big shot politician and all. C'mon, Sarah, you of all people should know that glaciers are God's swimming pools and valley's are nothing more than the lord's footprints. Don't tell anyone, but I think I saw a swoosh imprint. Damn arugula-eating, Nike-wearing deity's!

But the one thing Sarah does not like other than a "moose's butt plopping on over into the trail" or falling in front of Secret Service ("so stinkin' embarrassing!") is not being able to run, like on the campaign trail with old man McCain.

"I feel so crappy if I go more than a few days without running. I have to run. No matter how rotten I feel before or during a run, it's always worth it to me afterwards. Sweat is my sanity. A great frustration I had during the campaign was when the McCain staff wouldn't carve out time for me to go for a run. The days never went as well if I couldn't get out there and sweat."

Take away this sparkplug's ability to sweat and suddenly Africa is no longer an entire continent, but a single country, she can't remember the name of a single newspaper in America (Wasilla Times?), and "the bailout helps those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy because it's gotta be all about job creation."

But on the brightside, if the whole political thing doesn't work out, Sarah always has a bright future making fun exercise DVDs. You betcha!

Glenn Beck Knows Only Osama Bin Laden Can Save America From Barry Obama

Don't be frightened America. Fox News' golden-haired patriot Glenn Beck and Teddy Ruxpin's evil twin, former CIA agent Michael Scheuer know what needs to be done to save the mighty Red, White, and Blue from certain doom thanks to Comrade Barry and the rest of the Democratic pussies currently in charge of ruining the country.

Osama bin Laden must "deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States" if this country ever hopes to return to its pre-Obama glory days when the U.S. of A was number one and everyone else could basically just go suck it. Because if there's anything Glenn Beck and his special friend Michael Scheuer understand, it is that uppity politicians like Obama only care about staying in office, praise from the media, and what the god-forsaken Europeans think about them.

Which is why America's only hope is a catastrophic attack courtesy of Osama that will "force Americans to demand that their government protect them effectively, consistently, and with as much violence as necessary."

Come to think of it, why not just shock and awe this immigrant-ridden wasteland ourselves and save Mr. bin Laden the effort? Communicating from caves can be soooooo annoying these days!

He's Good Enough, He's Smart Enough And Doggone It, More People Like Him

OMG, we've waited and waited and finally our prayers have been answered--homosexual self-help guru Stuart Smalley is officially headed to the U.S. Senate!

Eight months, a couple of recounts, and countless court fights after the epic battle between SNL comedian turned godless Democrat Al Franken and hippie stoner turned lame Republican Norm Coleman first began, the Minnesota Supreme Court ended it with one swift stroke of the gavel, unanimously awarding the grand prize of being Minnesota's second senator to Mr. Hollywood Al Franken!

But, unlike previous court rulings that allowed Norm Coleman to keep his Ann Coulter-thin chances of winning alive, the Minnesota Supreme Court's rejection of each of Coleman's five legal arguments meant the end of Norm's sore-loser crusade, forcing him to concede. And reluctantly hand over America's puritan heart to terrorist leader Barack Obama and his 60-strong Democratic supermajority of sinners.

But the fun's just starting kids! Because Franken isn't just the missing piece in the Dem's power puzzle, he's everything the Republicans love to hate. A certified celebrity elitist who went to Harvard (gasp!) and isn't afraid to don a diaper and bunny ears, talk with a lisp, and call himself a man, is still able to unseat the GOP incumbent on his first run for public office. A fellow Jew but nonetheless...

Mark Sanford Knows God Loves Cheating Republican Hypocrites

South Carolina's shining star governor Mark Sanford may have been thisclose to having his face end up on a milk carton, if it weren't for the small fact that he was never missing at all, just on a covert op to South America to bang his "dear, dear friend" who understands him unlike that shrew wife of his, Jenny.

For most most moral leaders of the Republican party, a sex scandal (gasp!) like this would normally spell the end, but luckily Mark has a few things in his favor. For starters, his torrid love affair was with an actual child-bearing, estrogen-filled, ovary-producing woman, which happens so rarely with Republicans these days!

Secondly, other than this little slip-up, Mark has long been a shining example of decency, restraint and purity. This dedicated family man was among the first to call for President Clinton to resign after his perverted affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky was revealed, saying in 1998, "This one’s pretty cut and dried. I think it would be much better for the country and for him personally to resign."

But luckily Mark will not be heeding his own advice, caving in to pressure and resigning in shameful SC obscurity. Why? Because God wouldn't want him to!

“A long list of close friends have suggested otherwise – that for God to really work in my life I shouldn’t be getting off so lightly. While it would be personally easier to exit stage left, their point has been that my larger sin was the sin of pride.”

Um, I'm pretty sure your larger sin was running off to screw your South American mistress while your wife, kids, and and entire broke-ass state twiddled their thumbs wondering where the hell their stimulus-rejecting moral compass of governor was. But hey, who am I to judge another? Mark Sanford or something?

Much Like Climate Change, John Boehner's Color Is Totally Natural

Orange-hued House Minority Leader John Boehner has a few choice words for that ridiculous climate change bill House Democrats passed over the weekend. As if climate change is anything more than a bunch of elitist Democratic hogwash designed to protect lazy, good-for-nothing polar bears instead of hard-working oil conglomerates. Plus, if it wasn't for all those holes in the ozone layer, how would John keep up his trademark sun-kissed radioactive glow?

So like any good Republican leader who loves God and hates science, Boehner spent an hour reading from the 1200-plus page bill because, “Hey, people deserve to know what's in this pile of shit."

Then they can decide for themselves if this pile of doggy do is worth their vote, which apparently 219 (including eight Republicans) figured it may in fact be.

Either that or they just wanted to see what color Johnny's face turns when he gets really angry.

Sex, Lies, And Videotape

America's original $400 hair cut, philandering Southern gentleman John Edwards thought he was sitting pretty after Vegas playboy Sen. John Ensign and lovestruck Latina lothario Gov. Mark Sanford recently admitted their own extramarital affairs.

Certainly this will make everyone forget all about Johnny's little sexual indiscretion while his wife battled cancer and he ran for president of America, right?

Well maybe. If, in addition to repeatedly sowing his political oats in former mistress Rielle Hunter's fertile womb and likely impregnating her in the process, he didn't also decide to be DC's answer to Paris Hilton and videotape one of their hot sex romps for all the world to see.

That is, according to former Edwards aide Andrew Young in his new book proposal ($) with St. Martin's Press, which offers a decidedly different approach than wifey Elizabeth's scorned-but-forgiving media tour across America.

Like how Young's belief in Edwards "ran so deep that he agreed to take the fall for the candidate" even pretending to be the baby daddy and inviting the mysteriously pregnant Miss Hunter to live with him, his wife, Cheri, and their three children. He even agreed to be resettled with his family all the way to California where Rielle and her bastard child could live in comfortable anonymity, away from the prying eyes of Elizabeth, the media, and other unsavory types trying to catch Johnny in a, shall we say, compromising position.

It was while unpacking in his new home in sunny California that Young discovered the said videotape featuring John Edwards and Rielle Hunter, who had been hired by the Edwards campaign to record the candidate’s movements, engaging in some positions not exactly on his official platform.

Young also said that Rielle confided to him that she and Edwards talked about getting married should the candidate’s cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth god-forbid pass away, even discussing what music they’d play at their wedding. How adorable!

But that's not it. Young's "impossible to put down" proposal also claims that Sen. Edwards frequently clashed with boring, long-faced running mate John Kerry during their doomed, arugula eating 2004 race, and that John Edwards told him that Barack Obama promised to make him attorney general if he didn’t pick him as his 2008 running mate.

Instead, Elizabeth got John and we got Joe Biden. Everyone wins!

Joe Biden Promises Gays Equal Rights...One Of These Days

The good thing about being president is you can always send your vice-president to do the annoying sh*t you don't want to do yourself.

Like dealing with those angry gays and lesbians. And boy are they pissed at old Barry! They think he doesn't care about them now that he's the president of the world and all. So what better way to cool off heated temps than by sending soft-spoken man of the people Joe Biden to smooth things over with the slighted rainbows?

You see fightin' Joe Biden understands the anger the GLBT community is feeling towards Obama, and to be perfectly frank, he doesn't blame them for their frustrations. I mean Barry is kinda acting like a dick, but fear not because Joe is on your side. He'll "put some pace on the ball" in terms of actually trying to get you queers the rights and protections everyone keeps promising you until they actually get elected. Maybe then you'll finally stop bitching for once.

"I am not unaware of the controversy swirling around this dinner and swirling around the speed or lack thereof that we are moving on issues that are of great importance to you...I don't blame you for your impatience. But I hope you don't doubt the president's commitment."

I mean look on the bright side people, Obama did appoint 60 of your fellow pink brethren, including nine that require Senate confirmation. So, despite the administration's lack of progress on the Defense of Marriage Act, Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and virtually every other gay issue, rest assured that the administration is committed to "the unfinished business of true equality."

Joe will be the first to tell you that gay and lesbian concerns will not be "delayed, put off or not end up on Obama's plate" because he is dealing with so many other issues.

"I promise you with your help we'll get there in this administration," even going as far as to say that if the country achieves real equality, "I will have marked my term as vice president as being truly worthwhile."

But on the off chance he does fail, just remember it's all the gays' fault. Oh and lesbians too.

Governors Gone Wild

Governor Hall of Shame

Get a hold of yourselves, governors! Is this any way for a state leader to act? Remember, you were elected to represent your states, not humiliate them by acting like a circus sideshow routine. At this rate, America is in serious jeopardy of having its vaunted political system turn into one bad afterschool special on Lifetime. And it's all thanks to these esteemed members o America's Governor Hall of Shame!

First, we have our most recent inductee, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, whose innocent hiking trip on the Appalachian Trail took him 4,797 miles away into the tanned arms of his Latina lover in Buenos Aires. If only he hadn't turned down Obama's stimulus package! Then maybe he could've afforded a new map.

Next we have dear Alaskan princess Sarah Palin, whose experience as governor is rivaled only by her skill in picking fights with whoever she can about nothing at all. Not done taking out that sick pedophile David Letterman for his late night assault on her precious, not-impregnated daughter Willow, Mama Bear Sarah Palin has turned her fangs on another despicable spewer of hate, Linda Kellen Biegel, a blogger who goes by the name Celtic Diva.

You see Miss Diva thinks it's hilarious to photoshop an image of conservative Alaskan radio host Eddie Burke onto a photo of conservative Alaskan governor Sarah Palin cradling son Trig, not to suggest an overly close relationship between Miss Palin and Mr. Burke, but because she hates special-needs children. Especially Alaskan special-needs babies with funny names. They make her sick!

Which brings us to the Big Apple. Soon after New York's perfect gentleman of a governor Eliot Spitzer aka "Client #9" admitted to enjoying a few romps with a high-class prostitute using state funds, his legally blind replacement Lt. Gov. David Paterson assured the fine citizens of NY not to worry, because his days of messing around on his wife and snorting lines in dingy motels are over. I mean he hasn't even touched marijuana since the late '70s! The guy's a real class act, overshadowed only by the coif of our next esteemed governor's shiny, dark mane.

Hot-Rod Blagojevich: The Man, The Mystery, the Hair! Not to be outdone by his fellow gubernatorial gems, this one-time leader of Illinois has secured his own rightful place in the history books of humiliation. Not content just selling Barack Obama's bleepin' golden senate seat to the highest bidder or running the state like a crazed, lego-haired crime boss, Blago's bizarre trip to shameful obscurity included a whirlwind media tour where he compared himself to Gandhi, got noogied by Joy Behar and the gals on the View, and proclaimed his freakin' innocence to whoever was listening. Just to show what a stand-up kind of criminal guy he is, he also gave us Roland Burris, free of charge! Thanks Blago!

So who will be next to grace the hallowed halls of America's fallen political leaders? And what will they do to get there? Current odds are 3-to-1 on secessionist leader Rick Perry of Texas for eloping with a Mexican immigrant he accidentally knocked up while building a border fence designed to prevent this type of thing from happening. Oh the irony!

Don't Cry For Me Argentina

Another day, another Republican politician caught with his pants down (gasp!). What is the Grand Old Party of traditional family values to do?

When we first heard the terrible news that South Carolina governor Mark Sanford was missing, we like the rest of the nation, were praying for his safe return from wherever he was. Off writing alone on the Appalachian Trail or something...

But turns out he wasn't simultaneously writing and hiking at all, unless of course you, like his office staff, consider sleeping with a sexy Argentinian babe who isn't his wife roughing it in the wilderness.

So after going AWOL for seven days and giving South Carolina its second heart attack since that secret Muslim terrorist was elected President, Gov. Mark Sanford finally admitted that those "projects" he'd been so diligently working on was really a beautiful Argentinian woman named Maria.

My apologies to Kitty and Monica. Guess we were waaaaay off...

"I've developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina. It began very innocently as many of these things do. A couple of e-mails back and forth...But recently over this last year it developed into something much more than that."

You know how those crazy Internets work! One minute you're emailing a friend, the next thing you know you're going incognito to have an illicit sex romp with your Latina mistress 4,797 miles across the Atlantic.

“What I did was wrong, period,” he said. “I spent the last five days crying in Argentina.”

Oh we bet you did, Governor! Until not a drop of fluid remained.

Memoirs Of A Dick

Just in case you haven't had enough Dick (Cheney, that is) lately, you'll be happy to know the former Bush VP has decided to grace the world with his first memoir to be published in Spring 2011, just a few months after Dubya's highly anticipated novel debuts. OMG, 2011 is gonna be awesome!

Now, normally Dick is not one to bask in the spotlight or, for that matter, any light since his primary place of residence is a dank hole 300 feet below the surface of the Earth.

But the more he thought about it, the more the 68-year-old Cheney realized he had a lot to say about his 40 or so years of government service, dating all the way back to the hippie-drenched era of the 1960s. ***Shudder***

His as-of-now still untitled book will cover his loooooong career destroying society, from chief of staff under President Gerald Ford to vice president under George W. Bush to his present-day job as the nation's foremost Prophet of Doom. In between his four heart attacks and numerous surgeries, Cheney still managed to dedicate his life to serving his country--be it torturing enemies, bombing oil-rich countries worth huge rebuilding contracts, watching the Twin Towers burn, New Orleans drown, or just shooting friends. A real American hero, that Dick!

Plus, he wants to set the record straight that he is not in fact Darth Vader or worse, some lab project in Victor Frankenstein's basement.

"I'm persuaded there are a lot of interesting stories that ought to be told," Cheney said. "I want my grandkids, 20 or 30 years from now, to be able to read it and understand what I did, and why I did it."

That way they'll be able to smile proudly and say with confidence, "That's my granddaddy who ruined America!"

Phew! Gov. Mark Sanford's Face Won't Be On Milk Cartons After All

Good news nation! South Carolina Governor and notorious welfare queen Mark Sanford, who vanished without a trace from his beloved red-headed stepchild of a state on Thursday, has finally been found!

Which is good because everyone was getting pretty worried over his little one-man game of hide-and-seek, except of course for his lovely wife Jenny whose knowledge of Mark's whereabouts extends no further than "he is writing something and wanted some space to get away from the kids.” Oh, I see. Nothing suspicious there.

Same with South Carolina authorities, who like wifey, also apparently fell just short of the governor's need-to-know requirements and were instead forced to trace calls from Sanford's cell phone to figure out where the hell their AWOL governor went. Only to discover his four-day joyride included a stop in Hotlanta--for business purposes of course.

But fear not my friends, everything's going to be fine. Sanford's communications director Joel Sawyer said that before the governor scrammed like a bat out of hell, “he let staff know his whereabouts and that he'd be difficult to reach.” How nice of him!

But just to be on the safe side and clear up that nasty rumor the governor was missing, his office also released a statement, “Gov. Sanford is taking some time away from the office this week to recharge after the stimulus battle and the legislative session, and to work on a couple of projects that have fallen by the wayside."

I think their names are Kitty and Monica. Or was it Bunny and Tina? I can never keep 'em straight!

GOP Confused Over Obama's Reluctance To Nuke Iran

As democracy continued to blossom in Iran over the weekend, leaving a trail of death and destruction in its wake, President Obama remained decidedly cautious in his involvement, releasing a statement calling on the government "to stop all violent and unjust actions against its own people."

While Obama's calm, even-mannered approach has been praised by most foreign-policy experts, one group is not satisfied by Mr. Pussyfoot President over here. No sir-ee!

The Republicans are once again up in arms over Barack Obama's refusal to act like that brave hero George W. Bush and just go ahead and nuke the damn country. Remember, bomb first, ask questions later.

Like Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, who has had it up to here with the cool, rational approach of Sir Barry. "The president of the United States is supposed to lead the free world, not follow it. He's been timid and passive more than I would like."

Clearly, Sen. Graham is still nostalgic over the successful cowboy diplomacy of his predecessor, which entails a lot more than well thought out goals and long-term strategies. Good ass-whoopins usually do.

Not wanting Linds to feel left out, delightful Twitter bug and fellow outraged GOP Sen. Chuck Grassley, voiced his own disappointment at the Obama administration 's careful response to the growing violence and chaos gripping Iran. "If America stands for democracy and all of these demonstrations are going on ... obviously they are going to ask, do we really care about our principles?"

And unless we level the the damn place, how will they ever know how much?

But, some like Tom Malinowski, Washington advocacy director for Human Rights Watch, thinks Obama has struck the right balance. "Some people are saying 'bearing witness' is a passive stance, but I'm not sure what an active stance would be. What else could he do? The more the demands of the opposition become associated with the United States, the harder it will be for a spontaneous opposition movement in Iran to make progress."

True, but at least the Republicans can't call him pussy anymore. And what is more important than that?

Nerd Prom, Round Two

Joker-in-Chief Barack Obama knows a little something about catching flies--and wooing large, celebrity-speckled crowds of journalists, politicians and other VIP-types at the 65th annual Radio and Television Correspondents' Association Dinner. Not to be confused with last month's Nerd Prom aka the White House Correspondents' Dinner, where our favorite MC was equally charming.

So, once again Barry dons a tux and dazzles the crowd with some topical humor and a few, well-placed zingers--especially ones aimed at the audience. They go crazy for that sort of thing!

Like saying he'd rather be here with all the fine radio and TV folk than at last month's high-profile, hoity-toity White House Correspondents Dinner, the "Cadillac of the Correspondents' Dinners."

"I want to express my appreciation for the opportunity to tell jokes that weren't funny enough for me to use when we did this five weeks ago. The jokes may not be as good, but neither is the guest list. For me, there's no contest. Why bother hanging out with celebrities when I can spend time with the people who made me one?"

HAHAHAHA!!! Get it?? That Barry is killer!

"As you know, we've been working around the clock on to repair our major financial institutions and our auto companies. But you probably wouldn't understand the concept of troubled industries, working as you do in radio and television."

Nuh-uh, he didn't.

Speaking of troubled systems, no comedic performance would be complete without a swipe at the nation's healthcare debate.

"I'm pleased that in our quest to reform the health care system, I have gained the support of the American Medical Association. It proves true the old expression that it's easier to catch flies with honey. And if honey doesn't work, feel free to use an open palm and a swift, downward wrist motion."

Wonder if that works on Republicans too.

Well, Well Look What The Cat Dragged In...

Former President turned exiled monk George W. Bush broke his vow of silence by giving a speech promising not to directly criticize the new president before proceeding to bash the hell out of the man's dumbass policies.

You see, Dubya is confident his administration's policies of war, torture, bankruptcy, and blind self-interest are responsible for the current wave of prosperity and joy the country is riding high upon.

So without tooting his horn too much, George thinks it would be wise to heed his advice and not let that Barry dude trick America into thinking he knows more than old Dubya about what this country needs.

And that for one does not include nationalizing the banks, auto industry, and other corporate icons of American business acumen. This is the mighty U.S. of A God Damn It not some socialist experiment in Soviet Russia.

"Government does not create wealth. The major role for the government is to create an environment where people take risks to expand the job rate in the United States."

Or in Bush's case, create an environment where predatory lenders and Wall Street fat cats take risks on subprime mortgages to expand their bank account.

If there's anything George knows, "It's going to be the private sector that leads this country out of the current economic times we're in. You can spend your money better than the government can spend your money."

Ah yes. but the question is, can you waste your money better than the government can?

"There are a lot of ways to remedy the situation without nationalizing health care. I worry about encouraging the government to replace the private sector when it comes to providing insurance for health care."

Duh. Everyone knows the private sector is perfectly capable of running industries without pesky government meddling. Just ask GM and Lehman Brothers. They'll tell you how well that worked out for them.

Obama Takes Break From Murdering Flies To Make Gays Feel Like Real Citizens

Liberal hippie Barack Obama has promised to do a lot of things, namely fix the economy, healthcare, Iraq, Afghanistan, and basically everything else Georgey managed to screw up completely. He also promised the gays he'd try to help make them first-class citizens, but excuuuuse him if his plate's been a little full!

So, with the pace of a sloth dipped in molasses, President Barack Obama signed a memorandum extending some federal benefits to same-sex partners of federal workers. Of course, the measure doesn't cover healthcare and retirement benefits, two of the things no one ever thinks about when they think about "employment benefits." Perhaps they'll get a discount on Nationals tickets or Lincoln Memorial tours instead?

As he signed the historic legislation into law, Obama said, "Extending equal benefits to the same-sex partners of Federal employees is the right thing to do," although he did note that by law, the government cannot grant gay couples the same range of benefits afforded to heterosexual couples. Sorry, gays, better luck next time.

Obama also reiterated his opposition to the Defense of Marriage Act, saying, "It's discriminatory, it interferes with States' rights, and it's time we overturned it."

But if you'll excuse him, he has a few flies to kill first.

What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas?

No Foot Tapping, Just Some Old-Fashioned Cheating!

Look on the bright side Republicans, at least Nevada Sen. John Ensign's torrid extra-marital affair was with a young female staffer on his payroll, not an anonymous cop in the Minneapolis airport men's restroom. Congratulations!

Turns out, Johnny boy wasn't even messing around behind his wife's back, since all this monkey business didn't happen until after he was already separated from his lovely wife Darlene, who you'll be happy to know, still "loves" her no-good, cheating scoundrel of a husband very much.

While Ensign's marriage may have become "stronger" after his little sexual indiscretion, his presidential aspirations unfortunately haven't fared quite as well.

Confessed just two weeks after a visit to the Republican presidential-primary state of Iowa, Ensign’s affair not only strips him of his leadership status in the Senate and 2012 White House hopes, but perhaps more importantly, undermines his conservative street cred as a fervent crusader against homosinuality, intercourse, and fun of any kind.

Before he let his man muscle ruin his life and status as the GOP's Great White Hope, 51-year-old Ensign was on the fast-track for success, with his holier-than-thou, hard-right voting record earning him a 100 percent rating from the Christian Coalition.

A born-again Christian and member of the Promise Keepers, a Christian evangelical ministry that emphasizes traditional family values, Ensign is known for his zero-tolerance policy towards sexual indiscretions, starting with his demands for President Clinton to resign after admitting to catching a couple of BJ's in the Oval Office.

Mr. Perfect over here also led the charge to oust disgraced Republican Senator Larry Craig from the Senate after he pleaded guilty to soliciting gay sex (gasp!) from an undercover cop in the infamous homo bathhouse known as the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport men's room.

However, Mr. Morality Police Ensign, made no such resignation demands of fellow scumball, Louisiana Republican Sen. David Vitter, after confessing to an affair with a high-priced prostitute, since his sordid sex romp was with an of-age female whore not a burly man cop pretending to be a gay. Duh!

Everyone knows extra-marital sexcapades are only acceptable when it doesn't involve a Democrat, teenage Senate pages, or same-sex abominations before God. It's the Golden Rule!

How Do You Say Republicans Are Losers In 140 Characters Or Less?

GOP Rep. Eric Cantor's Loves His Crackberry!

What could be more fun than a bunch of bumbling Republicans attempting to reach young voters through the Internets only to find that this series of tubes is harder to use than they thought? Nothing that's what!

A delightful pattern has emerged among Republican hipsters eager to utilize all the new social-networking sites out there. It's one embarrassing racist debacle after another, but the GOP has at least managed to accomplish one thing: offend just about everyone.

Of course, we must first tip our hats to "off the hook" online media master Michael Steele whose hip-hop media blitz first took the political scene by storm, showing peeps the GOP's down with the 'net too. For real dawg!

Honorable mention goes to tech savvy former Minnesota Sen. Norm Coleman who understands that in this technological age it's either do or die. Which is why he urges his fellow Republicans to start competing on the Ethernet--cause that's where it's all going down. Kind of like his career.

Which brings us to our most recent tech abominations, courtesy of two GOP operatives hailing from North Carolina's red-headed stepchild, South Carolina. Where else?

First, there's prominent South Carolina Republican activist Rusty DePass whose brilliant ability to use Facebook resulted in him likening First Lady Michelle Obama to an escaped gorilla.

Assuring readers not to worry about a gorilla escape at a Columbia, S.C., zoo, this salt-of-the-earth politician posted a Facebook message, saying, "I'm sure it's just one of Michelle's ancestors - probably harmless."

Forced to apologize by crazy liberal bloggers and the Jew-controlled media, DePass said he was sorry if he offended anyone since the comment was clearly in jest and just a response to the First Lady's ludicrous statement that man descended from apes. Yeah, and the Earth revolves around the sun I suppose. What's next? Thunder isn't actually God burping?

Next is fellow South Carolinian Mike Green, who like his GOP counterparts, loves to use all the exciting new technologies to connect with supporters and send out hilariously racist Tweets against Muslim terrorist President Barack Obama.

Like this delightful byte: I JUST HEARD THAT OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS.

Hahahaha. Both hysterical and factual! They must be taking their cue from Republican Sen. Charles Grassley who exploded onto the Twitter scene with his uncanny ability to transform a stodgy, 75-year-old elder statesman into a shrieking teeny bopper who haaaaates grammar but loooooooves the Jonas Brothers. OMG, LOL!

GTG (Ugh, 'rents can be so annoying!) CUL8R, Alligator.

Night Of The Living Dead

We've Come For Your Brains

Ahhhhh, attack of the killer zombies! Run for your lives!

Now that they've acquired a taste for human flesh, Rush, Newt, Dick and the rest of the GOP’s living dead can't stop feasting on everyone's brains.

You see, the Republican Party has become many bad things—intolerant, hateful, incoherent, delusional, and worst of all, undead. The once-vibrant GOP of yesteryear has morphed into a wrinkled, decrepit corpse of its former self, having scared off just about everyone who isn't white, male, packing heat, or old enough to have witnessed General Lee's surrender at Appomattox.

But what is a political party that's predominantly pasty-skinned, middle-aged, male, Southern, God-fearing, conservative, unpopular, impotent, ass-backwards, and regarded negatively by more than half the population to do?

Clearly, the answer is to dine on the tasty flesh of one another, especially uppity moderates like Colin Powell who believe the party should adapt to the changing times. Hahaha, yeah, like half-dead creatures of the underworld adapt!

Instead these ghosts of Republicans past continue to haunt their beloved party--and won't stop until the GOP takes its rightful place in a glass-enshrined case at the museum besides the Whigs, Free Soilers, and Prohibitionists.

Even strong and mighty CIA director Leon Panetta is spooked by these half-dead relics creeping around, praying for demonchild Barack Obama to fail almost as much as their skin to stop falling off. Especially Dick.

“I think he smells some blood in the water on the national-security issue. It’s almost, a little bit, gallows politics. When you read behind it, it’s almost as if he’s wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point. I think that’s dangerous politics.”

But feasting on the flesh of the innocent? That's child's play.

Mama Bear Sarah Palin Protects Her Young

Thank You, Thank You

Well, well, well, what have we got here? It's none other than cuddly Republican superstars Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin and George W. Bush! So what brings this unlikely trio of intellectuals together, you ask?

This past week has seen them each utter pearls of wisdom so inspiring, they deserve an awards ceremony all their own. Hmm, why don't we call it the "Say Whaaaat?" awards and check out our esteemed trophy-winners.

And the gold goes to...None other than America's fave snow bunny, Sarah Palin, for exposing "pathetic" late night comedian David Letterman as the despicable pedophile and woman-hating monster that he is.

Mr. Funnyman decided to slap Miss Palin and the rest of the women in this country in the face by joking about, "An awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, when during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez."

Omg, the nerve! It's one thing to make fun of her oldest daughter, 18-year-old abstinence crusader and unwed mother of one, Bristol Palin. But to go after their young and supple 14-year-old daughter Willow? For shame! Can Sarah ever find it in her big Alaskan heart to forgive the sicko?

"I will always forgive whomever is asking for forgiveness. It goes beyond, though, David Letterman's crude, sexist, perverted joke about a 14-year-old girl being, quote-unquote, "knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." I think he's like 30-some years old. I think that that's, you know, pretty perverted."

Wink, wink.

Not one to like second-place honors, sadly George W. Bush came up just short of the gold, claiming the silver-medal for his brilliant words about his papa George H.W. Bush skydiving on his 85th birthday.

"Just because you're old, that doesn't mean you can't do fun stuff. And you don't want to sit around drooling in the corner. And so it's a wonderful release...And you know, because I was president it sends a message all around. Go out and get something doing. Just 'cause...old guys can still have fun and still do stuff."

Alright, now please "get something doing" like jump out of a plane. Sans the parachute. Hehe, if you're manly enough. Y'all catch my drift?

Last but not least we have Rush Limbaugh, whose savvy words about Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor's broken ankle earned him bronze-medal honors as the biggest loser of all the winners. Yeah!

"I hope [Sotomayor] can find a wise Latina doctor to set that ankle, as opposed to an average white doctor."

Don't be silly Rush. I'm sure you can recommend a good one, seeing as you have so much experience doctor-shopping and all.

And The Winner Is...A Name We Can't Pronounce Anyway

Iranians streamed into polling stations on Friday to decide whether they want their country run by the same ranting hard-line conservative with a penchant for Banana Republic jackets they've had to listen to for the last few years or a reformist who might not dress as smartly but has a definite upside in that he doesn't hate freedom, Jews or the United States.

Unfortunately, Iran 2009 is quickly turning into Florida 2000 (minus the hanging chads and old people), with both incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and challenger Mir Hossein Mousavi claiming victory. Uh-Oh.

Hours after the polls closed the candidates appeared to be locked in a dead-heat, until in a surprising turnabout, Iran’s state-run news agency suddenly declared Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had won by a landslide.

Which wouldn't be a problem if reformist challenger Mousavi hadn't already also made his own victory announcement, declaring, “I am the absolute winner of the election by a very large margin,” before adding that, “It is our duty to defend people’s votes. There is no turning back.”

You see, Mousavi is very worried that that dapper lunatic Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will once again rig the election in his favor, in a shout-out to his old adversary George W. Bush.

It wouldn't be the first time Ahmadinejad borrowed something from one of his evil American enemies. Like arch-nemesis and current devil-in-chief Barack Hussein Obama, whose wildly successful "Yes, We Can" campaign slogan was such a hit in the states, Ahmadinejad figured why not press his luck and give the ol' slogan a nice Iranian once-over and have a go himself.

Not that it makes any difference anyway, since all important policies are decided by unelected Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. And everyone knows he really gets his orders from a charming secret Muslim named Barry.

So maybe the Jews don't control everything!

Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden?

Getting Warmer?

Remember Osama bin Laden, the cave-dwelling Jihadist enemy of America we invaded not one but two countries to capture and still came up just slightly short-handed? A small error which would be really embarrassing had we not succeeded in shocking and awing a few Muslims along the way.

Well the CIA now believes bin Laden is still in Pakistan, where he always was (oops, their bad!) and that can only mean one thing: the third time's a charm baby!

Don't you worry America, because finding bin Laden remains one of the CIA's top priorities. Even if they're waaaaay better at gathering intelligence on things that don't really exist, like the stockpile of WMDs Saddam was thisclose to using on the U.S. of A!

But CIA Director Leon Panetta is confident his cracksquad of (intelligence?) operatives have what it takes to finally bring Public Enemy #1 to justice.

"We have a number of people who are on the ground in Pakistan who are helping us provide targets and helping us provide the information that we really need to go after al-Qaida...I guess one of our hopes is that as Pakistani military moves in, combined with our operations, we may have a better chance to get at him."

But just to be on the safe-side, and ensure that Osama doesn't once again elude capture by slipping through the 1,545-mile-wide crack between Iraq and Pakistan, Panetta said the CIA will spend nearly $250 million in the next five years to double the number of intelligence officers that are proficient in a foreign language.

Before unceremoniously booting them for being admitting they're gay.

Because they have a job to do damn it! and can't afford any distractions. Like starting wars under false pretenses and well-dressed, hard-bodied men with wandering eyes and a skip in their step.

If Only We Could Blame It On Gangsta Rap And Death Metal...

For anyone worried that Barack Obama is turning this country into one big hippie commune without a healthy American dose of guns and nutjobs, fear not.

There's still plenty of right-wing loons around to storm into various public buildings and open fire on the unsuspecting public. Like 88 year-old white supremacist James Von Brunn who shot and killed a guard for fun at the Holocaust Museum or mentally ill, unemployed anti-abortion activist Scott Roeder who murders abortion doctors while they pray away their sins at a Sunday morning church service.

The same salt-of-the-earth anti-abortion radicals and anti-Semitic extremists the recent Department of Homeland Security report warned us about, before being logically dismissed as just another smear attack on conservatives by arugula-eating liberals who know nothing about keeping this nation safe.

Sure, the DHS memo warned that the election of a black president coupled with a crumbling economy could lead to a surge in violence by the same upstanding citizens afraid that President Obama would take away their semi-automatic weapons and herd people into concentration camps because that's what Jewish-controlled governments do.

Since high-profile attacks from far-right lunatics never has and never will be a problem in this country, clearly, the DHS memo was nothing more than a hit job on conservatives and veterans. They should be ashamed of themselves, thinking innocent extremists with military training, no job or money, and plenty of hate could be capable of hurting anyone.

Whatever happened to the good old days of Columbine, when all unspeakable acts of violence could be pinned squarely on that Marilyn Manson character for making all the kids shoot each other with his rock songs?

WWJD? Probably Not Talk About Himself So Damn Much

Contrary to popular belief, Barack Hussein Obama is not a secret Muslim terrorist but a closet Jesus freak. He loves the son of God more than anyone, including the #1 undisputed king of Christianity George W. Bush.

In his first five months as president of the world, Barack Obama has already mentioned El Savior about a million times--and that's way more than Mr. Born Again Bush ever did.

Trust me. Obama's dropped the J bomb more times than Dubya dropped smart bombs on the Mideast. Whether he's talking about abortion, the Middle East, the economy, college graduations or any other issue that involves a crowd and TV crews, President Barack Obama finds some way to emphasize his deep love of Jesus Christ, his lord and savior.

Which is a sharp departure from Bush, who despite being hand-selected by God himself to be Commander-in-Chief, never talked openly about his faith. He just gave subtle hints.

Like the day of his second inauguration as governor of Texas, when he proclaimed, “I believe that God wants me to be president.” Or when he declared in a presidential debate while governor of Texas that the philosopher he most identified with was Jesus.

And of course there was the time Bush was asked whether he’d talked to his father, the 85-year-old-and-still-skydivingformer President George H.W. Bush, about the decision to invade Iraq and responded by saying, “There is a higher father that I appeal to.”

But these two devout believers have very different reasons for wearing their faith on their sleeves.

For Obama, all this Godspeak offers the man a chance to connect with the 83 percent of Americans who believe in God. Plus, by constantly throwing out some Christian love, Obama is also hoping to convince the 11 percent of Americans who still believe that he is in fact a closet Muslim.

But some like disgruntled former Bush staffer David Kuo worry that all this unprotected sex between politics and religion could spell trouble.

“When God becomes identified with a political agenda, God gets screwed.”

True. But maybe this time around, America won't.

Looks Like Someone Has A Case Of The Mondays...

Ugh. God, you people are wearing Barry out! Can't a guy get one day where he can just chill and eat hamburgers and not have to listen to boring meetings about fiscal policy, health care reform or a Supreme Court nominee breaking their ankle in a freak accident called klutziness at LaGuardia airport?

Between that crazy North Korean dude, Sen. Grassley's ridiculous, error-ridden tweets of rage, and the GLBT mafia all over him to repeal that absurd middle-school policy "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and let them die for this country like the convicted felons and drug offenders allowed to serve, so long as they don't wear leather chaps and feathered boas, Barry sure has his hands full.

So for the love of God, can you just give the man some peace for a moment? I mean seriously folks, Nicolas Sarkozy only promised to take Michelle and the girls off his hands for a few precious hours--and the clock is ticking here people!

So if you don't mind, he'd like a few more minutes fantasizing about schooling Kobe Bryant with his famous stutter-step crossover move straight to the hole. And for Christ sake, will someone please get the man a cigarette?