Lou Dobbs & Bill O'Reilly Have Serious Policy Discussion On Whether Obama Is Indeed Satan

Slovenly, Mexican-hunting former CNN resident curmudgeon, Lou Dobbs went on Bill O' Reilly's fair and balanced show to assure the nervous public not to worry because ol' Lou ain't going nowhere. In fact, it's time to get excited people, because Lou's gonna be everywhere!

He and the ol' wifey have been talking and together realized they could never let that dark-hued menace pile-drive this beautiful star-spangled nation of ours into oblivion without a fight first.

Luckily, Lou is very blessed (unlike the rest of us schmucks and deadbeats) to have a lot of opportunities to continue espousing his xenophobic rants wherever he pleases. Whether it be as the next senator from New Jersey or the next bloated host of FoxNews, Lou 100% guarantees he will remain in the public arena. Hooray!

After this riveting discussion about what medium Lou will destroy next (radio? television? C-Span?), O'Reilly moves on to his final question, where he asks with utter seriousness "Is Barack Obama the devil?"

Of course, such an outrageously ridiculous question doesn't even remotely faze racist television goblin Lou Dobbs, who is well-versed in matters of Satan and hell, and he proceeds to answer this deep philosophical query with all the weight and importance it naturally commands.

Turns out, Lou doesn't think Obama's the Devil per se (though we can never be sure), but what he does know is he doesn't trust the madman or his demonic policy decisions as far as he can throw 'em.

Like what the hell is taking so long for Obama to make a decision on Afghanistan, with it being such a straightforward, crystal clear issue without any nuances or complexities to consider. I mean what's so difficult about bombing these Arab Mexicans back to the stone ages and teaching the terrorists a real lesson by embroiling ourselves in a violent struggle halfway across the world with no viable exit strategy or guarantees except a long trail of wasted, blood-soaked trillions and dead U.S. soldiers.

Or why it's necessary to turn over 1/6 of the economy to the evil and inept United States government that Lou loves so much but doesn't trust to do anything except screw everything up and turn our perfect health care system (never mind those 45 million or so poor Americans) into some Soviet Gulag where Grandma goes to die but some border-hopping Mexican can get a flu-shot for his son, Pepe. For free.

Now, it's not like Lou's saying Obama's the devil or anything, being the rational, fully conscious human being and cherished media icon that he is.

He's simply using common sense and indisputable facts about what a certain Kenyan Socialist (not to mention the endless stream of Mexicans) is doing to this once-great pure, white Christian nation of ours. (Saving it?)

Let's not forget, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Trying 9/11 Terrorists In NY? Eh. Rudy's Just Glad To See We're At "War" Again

Hahahahahaha, Republicans are funny! You just never know what they'll come up with next!

Which is what makes Attorney General Eric Holder's opening remarks to the Senate Judiciary Committee about the administration's decision to bring terror suspects, including 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to trial in New York so exciting! No one knows what crazy response some GOP senator or representative may cook up while daydreaming about all the fun and awesome ways something could go terribly awry (keep your fingers crossed!).

"I'm not scared of what Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has to say at trial," Holder said. "And no one else needs to be afraid either...I have every confidence that the nation and the world will see him for the coward that he is."

"We need not cower in the face of this enemy. Our institutions are strong, our infrastructure is sturdy, our resolve is firm and our people are ready," Holder said. "It is past time to finally act by bringing prosecutions."

Holder also responded to criticism from nutballs like Liz Cheney who think, much like Obama's bow of respect, the decision shows a "pre-9/11" mentality, and that the government doesn't understand this is war time.

"I know we are at war," Holder said. "Those who suggest otherwise are simply wrong."

President Obama echoed this sentiment, saying the American people should have no concern about the capability of civilian courts to try suspected terrorists, despite what moronic lies the GOP bogeymen may say to freak everyone out (since that's their job!).

"I think this notion that we have to be fearful that these terrorists possess some special powers that prevent us from presenting evidence against them, locking them up and exacting swift justice, I think that has been a fundamental mistake," Obama told CNN.

However, Eric Holder's tough words did make one Republican feel all warm and fuzzy inside. No, not his decision to try the 9/11 plotters in New York City like a normal country with a functional justice system, but his use of one special word. A word very dear to Rudy Giuliani's heart: war.

You see Rudy knows the most important thing in the war on terror is the catch-phrase we use to describe it.

So naturally it made him very relieved to see that the Attorney General Holder had the "fortitude" to use the two awesomest words in the English dictionary, "war" and "terror," in the same sentence.

"I was glad to see Holder say 'we're at war,'" Giuliani said on an RNC-sponsored call with reporters. "I had thought we had virtually stopped being at war with the terrorists."

Which would be terribly tragic but not surprising coming from some peace-loving hippie dippie community organizer (who bows!) like Obama.

But, Giuliani is hopeful the use of the word would hearken back to a return to the delightful Bush-era "War On Terror" which Giuliani said President Obama has abandoned, both in rhetoric and actions.

"I was under the impression that the Obama administration thought this was just an unfortunate situation we're dealing with."

"'War' is important," he said. Not to mention fun, exciting, and a great way to unwind after a rough day at the office!

But despite giving props to Holder for finally having the balls to say the precious W and T-words in a single sentence, Giuliani, like any good Republican lemming, reiterated his opposition to bringing terror trials to Manhattan, which he said would put a city already in constant danger of terror attack at greater risk, and incur "enormous expense" providing increased security around the high-profile legal proceedings.

New York "is already a primary target," he said. "There's no reason to add to the risk."

Hmmm, on second thought this just may be the big risk break Rudy's been looking for. Think of all the good the first 9/11 did for Rudes. Another 9/11, and he's got this thing in the bag!

Can you say Rudy 2012?

John Shadegg Knows We Should Never Surrender To Terrorists By Surrendering To Terrorists

Adorably unstable Arizona Rep. John Shadegg--whose awesome argument against health care reform was to drag infant baby "Maddie" onto the House floor to "explain" (in a deep man's voice) why she no likey Obama's doomsday health care plan to insure all Americans and offer free abortions for all the other babies not lucky enough to escape the liberal holocaust of the unborn--has set his sights on a new target: Mayor Michael Bloomberg for having the gall to claim New Yorkers aren't afraid of hosting terror trials.

Ha ha Mr. Tough Guy Billionaire Mike! Well, John over here wants to know just how tough Bloomie will be when it's his two daughters who are kidnapped walking down Madison Ave in broad daylight!

"I saw the Mayor of New York said today, 'We're tough. We can do it.' Well, Mayor, how are you going to feel when it's your daughter that's kidnapped at school by a terrorist? How are you going to feel when it's some clerk -- some innocent clerk of the court -- whose daughter or son is kidnapped? Or the jailer's little brother or little sister? This is political correctness run amok."

God damn right it is! Luckily there's someone as smart and sensible as John Shadegg to warn the American people what can happen, no make that, what will happen if we allow 9/11 suspects like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to be tried in a civilian court and afford him due process of the law instead of pouring water over him while he's blindfolded, naked and strapped to a table for an indefinite period of time in some secret island prison in Cuba.

If there's one thing that really pisses Al-Qaeda off more than infidel Americans acting like, well, infidel Americans, it's hosting trials of high-level terrorist suspects using standard court procedures instead of letting their fear and irrationality drive them to depart from their normal rules of justice to create naked pyramids and beat the hate out of them using their holy book, the Koran.

The last thing we want is for KSM and other 9/11 perpetrators to think we're "surrendering to terrorists" because we're too scared sh*tless of what they might do to us (not counting those two towers or anything) to hold them accountable for the deaths of thousands of Americans in a court of law on our own soil.

Which is why we're so fortunate to have courageous Republicans like John Shadegg to exploit the fears and insecurities of the public by insisting that "the safety and security of the American people" means that we must abandon our long-held belief in justice and the rule of law when dealing with terrorists.

Unlike those crazy Democrats and Independents like Mayor Bloomberg who have enough faith in the American justice system to think those responsible for killing Americans should actually be tried in America of all places!

When everyone knows if we ever capture Osama bin Laden, the smartest, most logical thing to do would be to send him to a place more capable of carrying out proper justice than the dumb U.S. of A.

You know, a country we trust...like Afghanistan.

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em: Sarah Palin Goes Rogue With Elitist Media Queen Oprah

Rogue author and GOP sexpot from the snowy north Sarah Palin graced us sinners and traitors in the Lower 48 to talk about her favorite subject other than herself (no not Facebook, Levi Johnston of course!) on that popular chocolate lady's television show, Orpah, Oprah or whatever it's called.

Speaking to the talk show queen, the queen of Alaska had some choice words for baby daddy and former Bristol beau, Levi Johnston's (or shall we say Ricky Hollywood's) recent extracurricular activities.

Un-Christian activities such as running around like some cheap media whore and engaging in "aspiring porn" when he should be spending quality time with his 11-month old son, Tripp.

Let's not mince words here. Sarah Palin knows sexual deviance when she sees it and Levi err Ricky's little bare-all Playgirl photo shoot, featuring not one but two "hockey sticks," is exactly that.

"I call that porn," Palin explained, adding that "some of the things that he is doing is kind of heartbreaking."

However, Palin said that she continues to "hope for the best, and pray for Levi," before blasting the no-good lying bastard for shirking his duties as a father in order to hobnob with the elitist media to promote his new-found ambitions as an actor, model, and professional nudist.

"He hasn’t seen the baby much while he has been on his media tours," Palin said.

But his legs aren't the only thing Levi's been spreading. How about all those terrible lies about Sarah's perfectly wonderful family?? None of which have even a single grain of truth to them, she'll have you know!

When asked about her plans for 2012, Palin said that a presidential run in two years is "not on my radar screen right now."

“I am dealing with so many issues that are important to me," she said. "What I am seeing every day is that you don’t need a title to be important."

Or as you taught us, sweet Sarah, you don't need to be important to have a title.

You just need a hot bod, nice shade of lipstick, minimum brain activity, radical views and a desperate old man willing to bet the house on an untested Alaskan maverick who listens only to the soothing voice of Jesus Christ...and Glenn Beck. Oh and snagging that $7 million signing bonus didn't hurt either.

Liz Cheney's Solution To Bow-Gate: Choose Dick In 2012!

Dick Cheney's mutant golden-haired spawn Liz Cheney is full of great ideas. Like how if Obama really wanted to do the honorable thing, he'd take his farce of a peace prize and shove it right down the stupid Nobel committee members' throats. Or send the mother of a fallen American soldier to accept the prize just to remind those Nobel ingrates who exactly keeps them safe and snug every night.

Unlike NObama, Liz also knows the best way to keep America safe isn't through silly diplomacy or cultivating strong international allies or anything pussy like that. I mean who are we, France or something??

Like anyone's gonna take us seriously if we stop randomly invading sovereign nations, start adhering to international law, and suddenly stop pissing the whole world off just because it's fun.

Perhaps that's fine for community organizers in Chicago, but out in the real world, Barry's way just ain't gonna cut it. The O-man is in for a big surprise!

Take his recent trip to Asia for instance, where Comrade Barry made the unforgivable mistake of greeting Japanese Emperor Akihito with the traditional custom of bowing respectfully while shaking hands as a sign of honor. Gasp!

How dare he? Start with a bow and the next thing you know Obama's thanking them for Pearl Harbor and apologizing for that whole A-bomb thing. I mean, the past is the past people!

Liz for one would never endanger America by treating an important world leader and key global ally with respect and deference. And you know who else wouldn't? Dick, that's who!

In fact, when Dick met the emperor back in 2007, not only did Akihito not get a bow, the little man's lucky he didn't get a swift kick in the balls to go with it.

Let alone dither around with any of this "bow-gate" crap.

"You could also look at the comparison and think, Cheney 2012," Liz chimed in during a roundtable discussion on Fox News Sunday.

Which made the rest of the panelists hoot with delight!

Barely managing to contain his hysterical laughter at such sheer brilliance (and wit!), Bill Kristol quipped that, "Sarah Palin would never bow to the emperor of Japan. She wouldn't even curtsy to him."

Don't be silly, Bill! She doesn't even know what a curtsy is. Besides everyone knows Japan isn't a real country. It's just a faraway fantasy island they used for that giant gorilla movie. Donkey Kong or whatever.

Going Rogue: An American Life Or An American Lie?

Goody gumdrops! Sarah Palin's exciting new book of lies and half-truths hits the shelves next week, but for those who can't wait 'til Tuesday to get their memoir on, fear not, excerpts are already trickling out from several news agencies and other sources who've decided to "Go Rogue" and release their advanced copies ahead of schedule. Apparently, arbitrary media "embargoes" mean nothing to these liberal media elites.

But as long as they keep the juicy tidbits about our darling Sarah flowing, can we really complain?

And since they're from the Alaskan ice queen herself, you know they have to be true!

Like what really happened in that disastrous CBS interview with Katie Couric when Sarah couldn't, for the life of her, name a single newspaper she reads--if only to get that nagging broad Katie off her back. I mean the only reason Sarah agreed to do the damn interview in the first place was because she felt sorry for Katie who suffers from terribly low self-esteem. And this is the thanks she gets? By having some dumb, self-hating floozy like Katie badger her with silly questions about what books and periodicals she reads and her opinion on the country's current economic woes. Of all the indignities!

Sarah also tells of the "jaded aura" around McCain's political advisors once she stormed onto the scene. Of course, this had nothing to do with the fact that our fair Alaskan governor didn't know much about anything, including whether or not Africa was a continent (Ya, like that's important for a vice-president), the difference between England and Great Britain (they both speak all weird and Mary Poppins-like?), or basically anything that doesn't have to do with hockey moms and pigs who wear lipstick.

Well excuuuse her for not liking that McCain's snooty senior advisors, like Steve Schmidt and Nicolle Wallace, forced her to "stick with the script" and kept encouraging her to actually prepare for interviews instead of just wingin' it freestyle with adorable winks and truncated action verbs like a real maverick.

Or how they got all angry every time she went a wee bit "off script" to lie about her own accomplishments (there weren't any) or make up crazy stuff about that awful Barry character. I mean, do you want to win or not here people?

Of course, Going Rogue has plenty more about how everything that went wrong is the fault of the dumb McCain campaign since everyone in the whole world (except these idiots apparently) knew who the real superstar was. And it certainly wasn't that old windbag whose campaign she tried to save by finally agreeing to let him be her running mate.

I guess she must've felt sorry for poor Gramps McCain, since he too seemed to be afflicted with the same low self-esteem bug as that pathetic Couric woman.

Come to think of it, that's probably the reason she decided to let Barack Obama win, with his self-esteem already on the skids, it just didn't seem right to rub it in. I mean she already stole the spotlight, did she really need to steal the presidency from him too?

People with high self-esteem don't need to do these kinds of things. They'd much rather quit being governor to write fiction novels about various public figures' self-esteem and work full-time yelling on Facebook at those zero-confidence losers and sad sacks in the media who dare excerpt her book before the official release date.

Jealousy is so unbecoming!

Rick Perry's Riding The Republican Crazy Train Right Off The Tracks

Hey look kids, its batsh*t crazy Governor of Texas Rick "I'm not a homosexual" Perry! You remember ol' Rick don't you? The beautifully-coiffed leader of Texas' secessionist movement and frequent special guest at many a Nazi teabagger rally to protest Comrade Barry's destruction of these beautiful United States.

Now, under normal circumstances, Gov. Perry isn't exactly what you'd call a friend to progress, or rational thought for that matter. But in the face of his upcoming gubernatorial primary against Kay Bailey Hutchinson, the man known affectionately as The Hair (sorry, Blago!) has officially hopped aboard the Republican crazy train. Full steam ahead!

In between wandering around the vast wilds of Texas trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator (you can usually find 'em wearing crotch-hugging jeans, a grease-stained bandana, and an "I Love Jesus" t-shirt), Slick Rick has pretty much lost his freakin' mind!

You see, Rick clearly just loves his state and his Confederacy country too much to let some swarthy man with a funny name and winning smile who's hellbent on Socialism turn this bountiful land into some Soviet wasteland.

As he explained to the lovely ladies at Midland County Republican Women's Luncheon:

"This administration, I think, is past doesn’t care about Texas — I think this administration is interested in punishing Texas…" (Eh, we'll just give you Bush back and call it even. Besides, another four years of Gov. Perry should do the trick.)

"I think it’s time to stand up. I say it’s time to make Tea Parties twice as big as what they were. I think it’s time for us to stand up and say [unintelligible] to Washington, DC, "we’re no longer going to accept that kind of stuff sitting down and being quiet." (Instead, we'll just shout unintelligible nonsense standing up!)

"This is an administration hell-bent on taking America towards a socialist country, and we ought not be afraid to say that, because that’s what it is…" (We ought not be afraid of calling them racist nutjobs either because that's what they are.)

"I think one of our greatest challenges and greatest works in front of us right now is to stop this administration in Washington, using whatever tools we have in our disposal…" (Like Hitler signs and graphic photos of Nazi concentration camp victims??)

"I am not bashful to get up and say I believe in the Tenth Amendment…" (Stop teasing us with secession threats Ricky, it gets our hopes up!)

"They’re talking about here’s how you’re going to deliver health care in your state…this is how it’s going to be…that scares me greatly…" (The nightmare of health care that's actually affordable--gasp!)

"This plan that they are putting before us will devastate this country and bankrupt our state, and if that ones not bad enough, go look at that cap and trade legislation that passed. You want to shut down Midland, Texas — that ought to be the shut down Midland, Texas legislation, not cap and trade. It’s going to cap something alright — it’s going to cap the economy of the entire southern United States."

Unless of course, someone can pop a cap in Barry's scrawny, socialist-lovin' ass first. Not that he would endorse such a move or anything. Violence is never the answer!

Just lightly veiled threats, inciting words and riding the wave of unfounded mass hysteria right into the governor's mansion. You know for Freedom!

Colorado State Sen. Dave Schultheis's Bark Isn't Bigger Than His Bite

Have no fear people, mind-blowing idiocy is alive and well in the state of Colorado! Thanks to the brilliance of yet another saber-toothed GOP state Senator Dave Schultheis, the latest in a long and storied tradition of Republican morons who just can't figure out how to use all this off-the-hook youth technology without acting like a total douchebag.

You see, Colorado state Sen. Dave Schultheis has a knack for saying really stupid things that don't accomplish anything except offend our better sensibilities. He does it all the time!

So it really comes as no surprise that this Colorado paradigm of ignorance and questionable dental advice would express his "anger at Obama's fiscal policies" by tweeting, "Don't for a second, think Obama wants what is best for U.S. He is flying the U.S. Plane right into the ground at full speed. Let's Roll."

I mean who wouldn't picture a hijacked plane nosediving into the ground and the words "Let's Roll" and not automatically think of Obama's desire to pass moderate bills to create jobs, stimulate the economy, and provide basic health insurance to 30-40 million Americans? That's like so obvious!

It's not like Schultheis meant to compare the President Obama to the 9/11 hijackers or use Todd Beamer's famed rallying cry aboard doomed United Flight 93 as a way to get people to link Obama to Mohammad Atta or anything crazy like that.

"'Let's roll.' It's a comment people use all the time any more. 'Let's get going. Let's move on. Let's make major changes,'" Schultheis told the Denver Post. "I can see it now. But, you're busy doing jillions of things during the day. You sometimes don't analyze every single word."

I mean who has time to use their brain to make obvious logical conclusions when they're doing jillions (yes, literally jillions!) of things. Certainly not Dave Schultheis! And certainly not when he is doing something as important for the future of this great country than using Twitter to sound like a complete jackass in 140 characters or less.

But we totally know Schultheis didn't mean anything by his innocent tweet; he's simply isn't known for his gentle way with words and this apparent misinterpretation is just another example of what happens when your blessed with the old big mouth, small brain combo like Doug Hoffman in New York and our friend Dave here in Colorado.

Let's not forget this is the same pillar of the legislative community who railed against Spanish-language public service announcements encouraging people to fasten their seatbelts and voted against a Colorado bill requiring pregnant women to undergo HIV testing to help reduce risks for the baby by offering this explanation:

What I'm hoping is that yes, that person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that. The family will see the negative consequences of that promiscuity and it may make a number of people over the coming years...begin to realize that there are negative consequences and maybe they should adjust their behavior. We can't keep people from being raped. We can't keep people from shooting each other. We can't keep people from jumping off bridges. People drink and drive, and they crash and kill people. Poor behavior has its consequences.

Unfortunately not for marginal state senators whose head simply cannot support incisors the size of small rodents and a functioning, proper-sized brain at the same time.

Hey, don't blame us. You can't argue with science!

Bicuspid Brothers: Sens. Dave Schultheis and Doug Hoffman

The Un-PC Truth About Major Hasan's Schizo Rampage At Fort Hood

Major Nidal Malik Hasan, At Your Service

I hate to say 20/20 hindsight, but turns out there may have been some warning signs that unraveling Army psychiatrist Major Nidal Malik Hasan was hanging by a thread long before deciding to turn his simmering rage and frustration into one of the worst rampages in U.S. military history.

So basically the U.S. military and at least one intelligence(?) agency had Major Hasan on their radar and were well aware that he was an increasingly erratic, ticking time-bomb who openly professed his desire to see this infidel star-and-striped whore burn in fiery hell of apocalyptic proportions for years before deciding to rampage through Fort Hood, massacring 13 people in a haze of bullets, blood, and chaos.

I guess you could also say Hasan was a tad upset about his pending deployment to Afghanistan considering he would rather burn in the fire of a thousand infidels than defend this blood-sucking pox on the Muslim brotherhood we call America and warned senior Army physicians in 2007 that the military would be wise to allow Muslim soldiers to be released as conscientious objectors if they wanted to avoid "adverse events." Hmmm, wonder what he meant by that?

Not wanting to jump to any rash conclusions, however, investigators are still trying to "determine if the attack was motivated by the suspect's Islamic religious beliefs, which appear to have hardened markedly during the years he spent in the Army, or by other factors, like his anger over a pending deployment to Afghanistan."

It's so hard to tell sometimes! Never mind Hasan's growing disconnect, repeated attempts to reach out to Al-Qaeda, vocal justification of suicide bombings, poor performance reviews, and constant spewing of anti-American hatred during classroom presentations praising Muslims because "We love death more then [sic] you love life!"

"There were definitely clear indications that Hasan's loyalties were not with America," Hasan's classmate at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland, Lt. Col. Val Finnell said.

"When you are in the military and you start making comments that are seditious, when you say you believe something other than your oath of office — someone needed to say why is this guy saying this stuff."

"He was a lightning rod. He made his views known and he was very vocal, he had extremely radical jihadist views," Finnell said. "When you're a military officer you take an oath to defend against all enemies foreign and domestic."

"They should've confronted him — our professors, officers — but they were too concerned about being politically correct."

Of course Fox News' Bill O' Reilly concedes the sad PC truth that since we "can't kill all the Muslims" (I know, I know--lame!) we'll have to settle for winning as many hearts and minds of good moderate Muslims as we can, which means avoiding the term "Muslim terrorist" at all costs.

Which really grinds Papa Bear's gears! Considering official U.S. anti-terrorism policy is still basically "run around the Middle East for 10-20 years and try to kill all the Muslims," President Obama's supposed avoidance of labeling the attack an "act of terror" is simply outrageous and downright un-American!

In fact, it seems suspiciously like something a secret Muslim terrorist President would do.

Don't Give, Don't Get: The Gays Refuse To Be Obama's Silent ATM Any Longer

Oh those pesky, impossible-to-satisfy gays! Give 'em an inch and the next thing you know, they want a mile.

Despite President Obama's best attempts to placate the gays with hilarious Lady Gaga jokes and empty promises of his "unwavering commitment," the queer community is done giving Obama any more undeserved rainbow-colored feathers in his cap until he actually accomplishes something and starts taking their needs seriously. Aside from always putting their best fashion-foot forward, not wearing white after labor day and never mixing patterns of course. Stripes and polka dots = major no-no.

Frustration has been brewing among these forsaken Democrats over the Obama administration's unwillingness to make the struggle for gay rights a first-year priority, or in some cases, to even acknowledge that pink people exist, outside of fancy fund-raising dinners that is.

So these feisty queers have finally decided to hit Obama where it hurts: (get your mind out of the gutter people!) his wallet, in the hopes that when it comes to changing hearts and minds, green is a more effective argument than the constitution or silly indivisible truths like liberty and justice for all.

Gay and lesbian activists and other rabble rousers like Americablog's John Aravosis and Joe Sudbay have announced that they're organizing a temporary donor boycott of the Democratic National Committee--and financial support for Democrats more broadly--until the administration starts to treat them as more than invisible (albeit well-dressed) piggy banks who should be grateful that someone's still willing to accept their sinful money.

"This campaign is temporary, and is only meant to help some friends - President Obama and the Democratic party - who have lost their way. Candidate Obama promised during the campaign to be the gay community’s 'fierce advocate.' He and the Democratic party have not kept their promise."

"Until the Democratic Congress passes, and President Obama signs, legislation enacting Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT), and repealing Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA)--all of which he repeatedly promised to do if elected--we ask you to join us in pledging to postpone contributions to the Democratic National Committee, Organizing for America, and the Obama campaign."

You hear that Obama? The gays are onto your tricks. No more broken vows, glamorous celeb-filled soirees, or "wait-and-see" approach to handling the delicate subject of denying one group of people the same rights and privileges even the God damn teabaggers enjoy.

Until you're ready to put their money where your mouth is, you can just take your adorable smile and fancy words and waltz your charming self right out the door, mister!

Wow. Feels good to throw someone else out of the closet for a change!

Westboro Baptist Church Doesn't Much Care For Homos or Bobbsey Twins of Sin Sasha & Malia

The freakshows and whackjobs who make up the Westboro Baptist Church, the redheaded stepchild of fringe anti-gay groups, famous for protesting at military funerals, carrying signs such as "Thank God for 9/11," and blaming the world's woes on the dreaded sin of homosexuality have set their sights on another deviant threat to humanity: those awful Obama girls.

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church, founded by original closeted(?) head case Fred Phelps and made up mostly of fellow nutballs with the last name Phelps (no relation to Michael Phelps, who will burn in hell for smoking pot and engaging in the homosexual activity known as the Olympic butterfly) have decided to take their miserable, hate-filled lives to Sidwell Friends, Sasha and Malia Obama's private school in DC, to protest their three favorite abominations of God: the gays, abortion, and (of course) black Muslim presidents.

The picketers, whose lives are so fulfilling they find it necessary to protest nearly every day around Washington, D.C., to stalk little girls while they're at school to warn them against the scourge of homosinuality, the terrible disease responsible for everything from the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, to the ensuing wars, and even the mass shooting at Fort Hood as God's punishment for tolerating queers.

As part of their GodHatesFags.com tour schedule, the group plans to picket the Fort Hood memorial service this Tuesday, a few more local schools and the White House throughout the week, and if they get really lucky, some flamer's funeral who died while serving their country, or as a result of contracting God's cure for fags, AIDS.

But today the lovely members of Westboro Baptist will take their sideshow circus to Sidwell Friends Lower School, the traditionally Quaker school attended by the Obama girls to fulfill Jesus' mission terrorizing others over their own suppressed homosexual desires to dress up in stiletto heels and a mini-skirt and be Queen for a day.

The posting for today's Sidwell Friends Westboro protest reads, "Quakers?! Are you frigging kidding me? You pretend to be all non-violent, and you allow the most bloody, deceitful, evil, murderous bastard and his shemale sidekick to place their satanic spawn within your four walls?"

"So, the Quakers are in favor of abortion, now? How is that nonviolent? Anything to keep the money rolling in, huh hypocrites? Antichrist Obama said for all the world to hear, "Look, I've got two daughters. Nine years old and six years old. I'm gonna teach them first of all about values and morals, but if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby...So, you have this bloody, deceitful, lying Antichrist admitting that he will happily slaughter any grand child who is an inconvenience for him. And you are taking his money? This place is NOT of God...Little children, keep yourselves from idols. Amen. Praise God for showing these vermin for just what they are. AMEN!

Yes, Praise the lord for revealing Sasha and Malia as the tween sewer rats they are, buff First Lady Michelle as the tranny sidekick of that bloody, lying Antichrist Barack Hussein Obama, and the decent God-loving folks in the Westboro Baptist Church as the pillars of the community.

The inbred, bigoted, low-life, redneck trash community, but hey a pillar is still a pillar, right?

Ellis Turner, the associate head of school at Sidwell Friends, said the school took no action to remove the protesters.

"We support the First Amendment here, so there was nothing we wanted to do about it," he said. "There was nothing they did other than offend those who didn't agree with their bigoted viewpoints."

Yes, but what about those who don't believe the public should be forced to look at snaggle-toothed trashballs with rolls of fat hanging out of their ill-fitting pants and yellow sweat stains every time they lift their blubbery arms to hold up some sign enumerating the various ways gays should die and how the pope is a lying whore who rapes children.

Hmmm, looks like the teabaggers have themselves some competition!

Chairman Cao's GOP Revolution To Bring Affordable Coverage To America

Just when you thought any semblance of manhood the Democrats had was stripped away with the Republican's dignity and grip on reality, the House of Representatives grew a pair (or 220 pairs to be exact) and passed the Affordable Health Care for America Act to murder grandma and also bring quality, low-cost insurance to all Americans. Hooray!

After much partisan wrangling, Republican desperation, and teabagger Nazi rallies on Capitol Hill, the Democrats came through in the clutch, voting 220-215 in favor of President Obama's sweeping health care overhaul to help hardworking Americans instead of insurance companies for the first time in our nation's history.

Thanks to Obama's last minute Rudy-inspired pep talk urging House Democrats not to pussy out like they always do but instead stick to their guns and "finish the job."

“I reminded them that opportunities like this come around maybe once in a generation,” Obama said. “This is their moment, this is our moment, to live up to the trust that the American people have placed in us — even when it's hard; especially when it's hard. This is our moment to deliver.”

And deliver they did, thanks to S&M Master Nancy Pelosi's ability to crack the whip and bring those rascally Blue Dog Democrats into line, even luring Rep. Anh ''Joseph" Cao (R-LA), a coveted Republican, over to the dark side that is the Democratic supermajority.

President Barack Obama thanked members for their "courageous vote" and called upon that other chamber to follow the House's monumental decision to revolutionize the country's health care system:

"Now it falls on the United States Senate to take the baton and take this effort to the finish line for the American people."

Meanwhile, ever-determined obstructionist Republicans vowed to fight the bill and prevent Barry's murderous death panels from destroying America, with House Minority Leader John Boehner promising, "we’re going to do everything we can to make sure this doesn’t happen."

Unfortunately, this comes from the same man who boasted that a certain cute, young Asian man's upset win to replace indicted Democratic Rep. William Jefferson was a sign of the GOP's comeback and presented a path to future victories, declaring, "The Future Is Cao."

Which totally makes sense, if he meant the future would be some Vietcong traitor stabbing the Grand Old Party in the back by crossing over to support NObama's terrible government-run plot to socialize medicine and turn America into the Soviet Union.

Or maybe Boehner was just exaggerating but nobody knew it because the Einstein in charge of House Republicans pronounced "hyperbole" as "hyperbowl," which made everyone laugh at him for being dumb instead of being orange.

Which was sort of a nice change, but certainly not the kind Boehner was hoping for.

I mean what's a health care reform plan without a cure for idiocy? That's not change he can believe in!

Since When Is The Extermination Of Jews Not An Effective Argument Against Health Care?

After countless Obama equals Hitler signs, various Nazi references, and numerous, hilarious jokes about NObama's coming health care reform Holocaust, Jewish groups and the rest of the population with functioning brains have finally sounded the alarms about the disturbing proliferation of swastikas and anti-Semitic banners, signs, and slogans every time the teabaggers rally together to praise freedom and shout obscenities at that Kenyan man.

And to think, all it took to get the Jews riled up was a poster showing piles of Jewish corpses with the caption National Socialist Health Care: Dachau, Germany--1945.

All class, those teabaggers!

After Thursday's Bachmann-led "Super Bowl of Freedom," David A. Harris, President of the National Jewish Democratic Council issued this statement:

"Today's G.O.P. "Tea Party" on Capitol Hill opposing health insurance reform invoked disgusting Holocaust imagery and outright anti-Semitism. Top Republican Party leaders including House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), House Republican Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA), and House Republican Conference Chairman Mike Pence (R-IN) stood before a crowd that included a banner protesting health care reform and displaying corpses from the Holocaust. Yet another sign charged that Obama takes his orders from the Rothchilds. Such vile invocations of Nazi and Holocaust rhetoric have been condemned in recent weeks by rabbinic movements, the Interfaith Alliance, and the American Gathering of Jewish Holocaust Survivors and their Descendants."

Not surprisingly, Republican leaders have been somewhat less vocal on the matter, finding no problem whatsoever with teabaggers throwing Nazi comparisons all over the place or showing dead Jews at Dachau to warn Americans of the fate they'll suffer under ObamaCare.

It only took Rep. Eric Cantor's (R-VA), the only Jewish Republican in Congress, over three months to finally utter a peep about GOP hero Rush Limbaugh's innocent claim that "Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, also ruled by dictate."

But at least this GOP leader grew the balls to stand up and say large, graphic photographs of slaughtered Jews may be "inappropriate" and that since you asked, no, he doesn't "condone the mention of Hitler in any discussion about politics because obviously that is something that conjures up images that frankly are not, I think, very helpful."

But do you know what is helpful? A half assed response some 12 weeks after the incident occurred when no one even remembers what the hell he's referring to anyway. But whatever. A real mensch, that minority whip!

Then there's former Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) who thinks it makes perfect sense for tea partiers to show posters of Nazi concentration camp victims as a way to link health care reform to Nazism.

"You bet" it's appropriate, Tancredo said, arguing that because protesters during the Bush administration used photos of a decapitated president, everything is fair game.

"It's all ugly," he said. But he does agree with unnaturally orange-hued House Minority Leader John Boehner that health care is the biggest threat the country has ever seen.

"It is in fact socialism," Tancredo said. "It is a true, very scary threat."

He couldn't, however, answer when MSNBC anchor David Shuster asked if Medicare and the Veterans Administration, both single payer programs, pose a similar threat.

In fact, Tancredo was so offended by Daily Kos founder Markos Moulitsas for even mentioning that Tancredo avoided military service during the Vietnam War and deferred being drafted after college because he was being treated for depression, that he stormed out of the interview.

"I'm a veteran," Moulitsas said after Tancredo claimed veterans would prefer vouchers over VA care. "I did not get a deferment because I was too depressed to fight in the war I supported in Vietnam."

"That's a cheap rotten stupid thing to say," Tancredo said, adding that it sounded just like something a certain Third Reich leader with a cute mustache would say.

If he wasn't too busy reforming health care, that is.

Michael "Heart Of" Steele Vows To Teabag His Party Into Extinction

Yo yo what up America? It's your off-the-hook hip-hop Republican National Committee chairman coming to you live after the great Republican Renaissance of 2009, courtesy of a certain tough-as-Steele cow on the tracks. Moo, motherf**kers Moo!

You see, after the RNC-backed endorsement of a "moderate Republican" in the NY-23 special election was eaten by rabid throngs of teabaggers, the old "big tent" Michael Steele decided he no longer liked those middle-of-the-road candidates he'd already selected to run in various 2010 races. In fact, he now despises these disgusting traitors and would do everything in his power to "come after" these terrorists and socialists masquerading as "moderate" Republicans.

"Candidates who live in moderate to slightly liberal districts have got to walk a little bit carefully here, because you do not want to put yourself in a position where you’re crossing that line on conservative principles, fiscal principles, because we’ll come after you," Steele told ABC’s Top Line in response to a question about Republicans who support the White House’s stimulus and health care plans.

"You’re gonna find yourself in a very tough hole if you’re arguing for the president’s stimulus plan or Nancy Pelosi’s health plan. There’s no justification for growing the size of government the way this administration and this Congress wants to do it."

Awww, snap! Steele ain't playing, yo! He will straight up go Joe Wilson on anyone who dare reach across the aisle to help America.

While Steele didn't name names, dem fightin' words could be taken as a warning to governors Charlie Crist and Arnold Schwarzenegger for supporting NObama's terrible stimulus (like a bunch of Barry-whipped pansies) and Sen. Olympia Snowe for being the lone Republican senator to side with the Democratic grandma slayers and Nazis trying to reform health care.

He also hinted that the RNC will move further right and try to capture the support of tea partiers because, "We still are and remain the conservative party."

"The challenge now, as you see the emergence of the 9/12 movement and the tea parties and so forth, is to help them appreciate that we're with them, we're walking that walk with them," he said. "We're making the same arguments they're making about government intrusion into health care and the economy, stripping our freedoms, and that is a very difficult walk."

Of course it's difficult! The road to nowhere always is.

Psyche! Maine Voters Decide Not To Give The Gays Equal Rights After All

Maine voters came thisclose to becoming the first electorate in any state to say sure, why the hell not let the gays marry like the rest of us one man plus one woman miseries before deciding eh, on second thought, they'd rather keep that hetero perk all to their newly puritan selves.

After all, this is Maine, people--not some Kumbaya-chanting hippie commune like Iowa.

Besides, with Sen. Olympia Snowe already crossing the aisle as the sole Republican to support health care reform, Maine's trailblazer reputation is already secured, so there's no need to get all wild 'n crazy and start actually treating the gays like real citizens who are afforded the same constitutional protections as everyone else. We're not trying to ruffle any feathers here! That's part of what makes Maine, well Maine.

If being ordinary and unexciting wasn't a part of its history, how else could this proud, 40th most populous state of 1,316,456 be home to the thriving Northeast metropolis known as Portland–South Portland–Biddeford?

Although, gay marriage has now lost in every single state in which civil rights are left up to the voters for a positively St. Louis Rams/Detroit Lions-like record of 0-31, gay rights activists and the handful of hetero Americans who thought the whole 'separate but equal' issue was settled with the Supreme Court's unanimous 1954 landmark Brown v. Board of Education ruling striking down segregation as unconstitutional under the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, were disappointed to learn that (much like California) the same standards of jurisprudence simply don't apply to queers in Maine either.

Turns out that even Maine's independent streak and irrepressible Yankee spirit of fairness and individuality wasn't enough to stop the hate juggernaut or the indisputable fact that when marriage equality is decided by voters, Jesus tends to trump justice.

I mean if gay marriage cannot win in the original bastion of same-sex sin California, was it ever realistic to expect a rainbow-colored welcome banner in Maine, with or without the Mormon-led cruasde against the scourge of Homosinuality.

As long as America allows civil rights to be decided by voters at the ballot box instead of as a Federal constitutional matter before the U.S. Supreme Court, true equality and freedom--like the founding fathers intended--will never be realized.

Think about it, if we treated blacks like we treat the gays, half the South would still be hosing down black kids trying to go to school, ride the bus, or God forbid, drink from a (whites-only) fountain.

But I guess we could always compromise and enact something like Don't Ask, Don't Tell. We can all just run around with paper bags over our heads and Hazmat suits on our bodies so nobody knows anything about anybody. That way, who's black, white or sparkly-rainbow colored would all remain hidden under a common cloak of freedom.

Just like the good old days!

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/03/maine-gay-marriage-vote-e_n_344688.html

GOP: Meaningless Wins In VA, NJ Prove Obama Should Immediately Resign

Last month, I told you all about Robert F. "Bob" McDonnell and the skeleton in his closet coming in the form of a 93-page master’s thesis written when Bob was a wee 34-year-old evangelical grad student trying to find his place among the "cohabitators," "homosexuals," "fornicators," "working women," "feminists," "abortionists" and the rest of the heathens responsible for this cesspool of sin clogging America's moral judgment.

Fast forward to Nov. 3 2009, when this nice, God-fearing man has managed to push this decades-old pile o' bones college-ruled papers back in the storage closet behind all the old linens and photo-albums and handily defeat Democratic challenger Creigh Deeds to assume his rightful place as the new Governor of Virginia. Wooohooo!

This means that Virginia can finally break free from the Socialist grip of last year's terrible NObama disaster after 44 fabulous years of Republican domination in the state, a period nostalgically known in GOP circles as Pax Virginia.

And with GOP victories of any kind not exactly easy to come by these days, you can be sure the Republicans weren't about to pass up the chance to prove they're not just the party of centenarians, secessionists, and off-the-hook chairmen.

"These significant victories speak to the fantastic campaigns run by Republicans across the Commonwealth and the voters’ clear rejection of liberal tax and spend policies that Washington Democrats are trying to force on Americans," Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said.

House Minority Whip and runner-up in the Republican inappropriate behavior contest Eric Cantor (R-Va.) managed to pry himself away from the Twitter app on his blackberry to congratulate McDonnell supporters on sending a clear message to national politicians (in more than 140 characters): "Enough with the incredible reach of government into our lives."

"Bob McDonnell has led us to victory after eight dark years in the wilderness...You know what's so great: Bob ran a great campaign, but it was also a positive campaign."

Meaning the Republicans didn't even have to resort to their usual playbook of lying, manipulating and deceiving their way into power. Yay!

Conservative Party candidate and third-wheel surprise in New York's 23rd Congressional District, Doug Hoffman is hoping this GOPmentum extends to his campaign to return Congress to responsible, conservative hands.

"Hopefully the Republican party, of which I’m a lifelong member, utilizes this energy and excitement of people coming to my support because we’ll need it in 2010," he said. "We’re just standing up for the core values that made America strong — less government, less taxes, less spending."

Ah yes, the very definition of George W. Bush's eight year reign, bringing prosperity and peace throughout the land.

Or at least to the 1,600 acres on his Crawford, Texas ranch.

Who Needs The NFL When You Can Have Michele Bachmann's "Super Bowl Of Freedom?"

Minnesota's seductive but equally insane Representative from hell Michele Bachmann took a break from undressing "stunning" fellow aqua-eyed right-wing darling Rep. Steve King with her piercing baby blues before a packed House floor to promote her upcoming "Super Bowl of Freedom" involving not pigskin and padding but teabaggers and testosterone.

Bachmann is urging the true patriots among us--you know, those dedicated warriors willing to slit their wrists for freedom--to descend upon the steps of the Capitol like the plague of locusts sent straight from the Lord to demand Congress stop trying to destroy America by shoving affordable, quality health care down our not-even-sore throats.

"The only way they're going to listen is if real freedom-loving Americans come here to Washington noon on Thursday, look at the whites of the eyes of their members of Congress and say, 'Don't you remember, I told you don't take away my health care,'" she said.

And if that's not enough to get Joe six-pack and other freedom fighters off the couch, out of their trailers, and into action, perhaps the blinding star wattage of such conservative luminaries as Jon Voight might change their simple little minds. Ooooh, just think how proud Angie must be to call him Papa!

As if her House Republican-endorsed inside-the-Capitol tea party isn't exciting enough, Michele used the occasion to unveil the slick, new catch phrase she's been working on, sure to please even the most discerning nutjob. "Socialized medicine is the crown jewel of socialism. This will change our country forever."

And you my Belle are the crown jewel of psychopaths. Luckily, this won't change anything in any way whatsoever because mental health isn't anything freedom-loving capitalists need bother with, since a perfectly functioning health care system like ours doesn't extend to imaginary liberal maladies like mental illness.

How else would the Republican Party be in such tip-top shape and so mentally fit as to entrust the future of their dear party to this self-proclaimed fool for Jesus who answers only to the higher calling of her one true Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whenever He personally calls upon her to fulfill His divine mission here on Earth.

Let's just hope He reminded her to bring the Doritos.

Meghan McCain's Bountiful Breasts Know Joe Lieberman's No Traitor!

Sassy blogger Megs McCain is upset. And not just because some meanies on the teevee and radio made fun of her voluptuous curves and God-given set of full, ample breasts. But something far, far worse--the terrible treatment of her favoritest turncoat and longtime role model Senator Joe Lieberman.

For some absurd reason, everyone hates ol' Joe Liebs just because he has the "courage" to stand up to all those greedy Americans who can't afford adequate coverage by threatening to filibuster any health care reform bill that includes the dreaded public option.

You see Meghan understands what it feels like to be hated just for having big boobs, blonde hair, and a super famous daddy run for president. So she totally gets what Joe is going through standing up for his beliefs by betraying the Democratic Party and all.

"The older generation needs to understand that my generation does not respond well to anger, hate, and personal attacks. We are a generation of communicators, and to us, actions speak louder than loud words. Perpetuating negativity will only result in the tuning out of another generation of voters, and we simply can’t afford that. I find it especially ironic that most of those who criticize Senator Lieberman more often than not have never run for elected office. But as the old saying goes, those that can’t do, criticize."

Hahahahahahahaha! You're so right Meghan! Except when they get their own Daily Beast column. Then they do that instead.

"Let’s face it, it's easy to preach to the converted and many people have mastered the art of the negative sound bite. If I want to hear the liberal bias, I will turn on MSNBC. If I want to hear conservative dogma, I will turn on Fox. But where do people go to listen to the Joe Liebermans of the world? Where can we hear voices that dare to cross party lines, think outside the box, and say what they truly believe? If this country wants to simply be a place of extreme partisan politics, I think we are well on our way. If people like Senator Lieberman are treated with such disrespect for daring to be true to their political beliefs, there will really be no hope for independent thinkers of my generation to be inspired to join the political process."

And then where will impressionable young mavericks-to-be who confuse bipartisanship and outside-the-box thinking with selling out for political ends and personal gain turn to? I, for one, can't begin to imagine the kind of world it would be without American heroes like Gramps McCain, hip daughter Meghan, and of course charismatic merrymaker Joe Lieberman working hard on behalf of the American people.

"And for the record, Senator Lieberman is now an even greater source of inspiration and comfort to me in politics."

And you to us, Meggy. Especially with those two irresistibly soft lovely pillows.

Obama Is A 'Radical Leader,' 'Child' Just Like Rush Is 'Thin,' 'Sane'

Morbidly-obese-turned-gastric-bypass poster boy Rush Limbaugh took a break from shoveling beef patties into his mouth to show off the latest miracle of modern science, his svelte new body! And of course to say a bunch of crazy sh*t about his favorite man crush Barack Obama.

Yes, the man considered too big a loser for even the lowly Rams, Rush Hudson Limbaugh, appeared on Fox News Sunday to offer his enlightened (if only in actual weight) view of President Obama's deviant quest to destroy America.

It is not surprising a high-school educated genius like Rush thinks Obama is "immature," "narcissistic" and "in over his head," he simply doesn't understand what anyone could possibly see in an egomaniac man-child like Barry.

"I think he's got an out-of-this-world ego," Limbaugh said. "He’s a child. I think he's got a five minute career."

He also thinks he's fooling anyone into believing he actually lost weight with the old diet-exercise combo, which is why he doesn't do it very often. Think that is. (He's just not that good at it).

But that didn't stop El Rushbo from accusing terrible Barry of "not caring" about the war in Afghanistan, "actively seeking the defeat of the U.S. military," and using a ceremony to honor fallen soldiers as a "photo-op" to distract dumb schmucks like you and me from knowing the truth about how he's too pussy to send 40,000 U.S. soldiers to die in some bumblef**k poppy fields in the middle of Afghanistan.

"It was a photo-op precisely because he’s having big time trouble on this Afghanistan dithering situation," he said, doing his best to prove that Dick Cheney isn't the only right-wing kook with balls big enough to actually use the word dithering and still think they're relevant to anyone besides those who hear Spam and still think of canned meat.

"We've never seen this kind of radical leader at such a high level of power in this county." We, of course referring to the percentage of the U.S. population who've been squatting in Dick Cheney's vacant underground lair for the last 8 years.

Limbaugh also attacked that no-good Obama for ruining the robust economy the last Republican administration worked so diligently to create.

"I believe that the economy is under siege. They’re destroying it, and I have to think that it may be on purpose," Rush said, adding that "anybody with any economic literacy would not do one thing that this administration's done."

And who would know more about economics or literacy than a college dropout who flunked ballroom dancing?

Lucky for us, Rush's keen insight also extends to health care reform.

"This is not about insuring the uninsured. This is not about health care. This is about stealing one-sixth of the U.S. private sector." That, Limbaugh said, is "the easiest, fastest way for them to be able to regulate every aspect of human behavior."

And if it were up to him, he'd start with that "pompous windbag" and "walking comedy of errors" Vice President Joe Biden.

Unlike that humble Barracuda babe with brains and a hot rack. "I do have profound respect for Sarah Palin."

Ha ha, hear that all you butt-ugly spinsters and lesbians who concocted "feminism as a way to allow fellow unattractive women easier access to mainstream society?"

The gig's up.

Baruch Obama Saves The Jews!

Remember that whole to do about how Obama is really a secret Muslim terrorist who would love nothing more than to gleefully watch Israel sink into the Mediterranean, along with the rest of the pesky Jews? Well, much like Sarah Palin's knowledge of anything other than how to field dress wild game and wayward ex-boyfriends, this too was proven false.

Turns out the State Department's been running a super-secret operation to get Jews the f**k out of Yemen and into a land where they won't coincidentally be the target of every increasingly violent incident rocking the country. So, basically that leaves the United States and Israel.

Of the 350 Jews living in Yemen before the operation began (apparently they have them), about 60 have already been resettled, and about 100 more are on their way. Those remaining will most likely stay in Yemen in a "government enclave" to protect them from rising anti-Semiticism in the form of crazed al-Qaeda terrorists running around, solidifying their stronghold on the country.

But the secret evacuation of anyone, let alone an entire community of (less than beloved) Jews living for centuries in near total isolation in the Arabian Peninsula, is no easy task. There's the usual growing pains like trying to board a flight with live chickens, understanding that running water and electricity are not omens from God but inventions from man, and other minor adjustments living links with the ancient world make when joining the rest of 21st century society.

To complicate matters, the U.S. State Department risked opening themselves up to criticism for helping a bunch of Jews no one knew existed escape a country no one's really heard of, at a time when refugees around the world are clamoring for a haven of their own.

I mean it's not like the U.S. likes Jews more than any other persecuted group seeking salvation it's just that they serve dual humanitarian and geopolitical purposes. Not only would America get to rescue a group threatened because of its religion (Brownie points!!), but also hopefully prevent an international embarrassment for its embattled Arab ally.

Despite his efforts, Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh was having a difficult time protecting himself, let alone a bunch of weird stone-age Jews with curly hair. The alternative--risking broader attacks on the Jews--could well have undermined the Obama administration's efforts to rally support for President Saleh at home and abroad, and prevent Yemen from becoming the the next 'stan we feel compelled to invade.

The Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society's network has been helping arrange housing and disburse food stamps, cash and other refugee benefits to the Yemeni arrivals. However, many of the adults aren't yet capable of budgeting, following a schedule or sitting still in a structured classroom to learn English.

Well, well looks like someone's fitting into America just perfectly!

Ken Cuccinelli's Virginia Is For Straight Lovers & Lovers Of Animals

Virginia may be for lovers (dog and otherwise) but it is certainly not for homosexuals. Heaven forbid!

And Ken Cuccinelli, the Republican candidate for Virginia's attorney general intends to keep it that way. Which is why, if elected, he will absolutely not commit to enforcing some sissy nondiscrimination policy protecting homos because they are not normal people like you, me and those five cops arrested for masturbating a German Shepherd.

As he explained to The Virginian-Pilot, "My view is that homosexual acts, not homosexuality, but homosexual acts are wrong. They’re intrinsically wrong. And I think in a natural law-based country it's appropriate to have policies that reflect that...They don’t comport with natural law. I happen to think that it represents (to put it politely; I need my thesaurus to be polite) behavior that is not healthy to an individual and in aggregate is not healthy to society."

Well thank the good Lord someone has the courage of conviction to stand up to those deviant pink triangle people. Otherwise, who knows what sick, twisted things might happen?

Let the kooky queers have their way and next thing you know five Virginia Department of Corrections officers are charged with animal cruelty for fondling a K-9 dog and videotaping the entire canine rubdown.

According to Powhatan Commonwealth’s Attorney Robert B. Beasley Jr., one of the officers, Kelvin Thompson, "allegedly had some sexual contact with the animal," adding that the male dog, a German shepherd or shepherd mix, was not harmed.

"Essentially, he was touching the dog’s penis with his hand," Beasley said. "The others were there filming it. That’s actually how we learned of it — there’s a video."

Terry N. Grimes, a Roanoke attorney representing officer Thompson, said his client planned to plead not guilty to animal cruelty but admitted to fondling the animal.

"I would characterize it as hazing," he said, claiming that Thompson was told by the others, "If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it."

Beasley said all five officers were training at the Academy for Staff Development to become K-9 handlers and now face the same misdemeanor animal-cruelty charges, punishable by up to a year in jail and a $1,000 fine.

"They were all kind of there assisting in one way or the other," he said.

Between Virginia's whole "treat homos equally" nondiscrimination hullabaloo and felony bestiality charges requiring more than just innocent "petting" but "carnal knowledge of a brute beast" (aka hot sex w/Lassie), such lax sex laws are simply an open invitation to the Devil's Playground.

Luckily, there's Ken Cuccinelli to ensure the gays know recess is over. If they want equal rights, they're barking up the wrong tree.

In Cuccinelli's Virginia, that's reserved for police officers who like to give hand jobs to their dogs, thank you very much. We're trying to create a "healthy society" here, remember?

If The Public Option Doesn't Kill You First, Mitch McConnell's Stupidity Will

Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell sees where the Republican Party is going (not far) and naturally wants to lead the way. Unlike that dumb cow Michael Steele, big Mitch is not about to let this train(wreck) leave the station without its captain on board. No sir-ee!

That's why this responsible GOP leader from Kentucky is taking his dire warning of a health care reform holocaust straight to the American people!

Don't let those demonic Democrats fool you--the public option just "may cost you your life."

Luckily, Mitch McConnell is here to guide us through this medical apocalypse.

Excerpts of his enlightened interview on Dennis Miller's radio show:

MCCONNELL: Well, it doesn’t make any difference frankly whether you opt-in or you opt-out, it’s still a government plan. You know, Medicaid, the program for the poor now, states can opt-out of that, but none of them have. I think if you have any kind of government insurance program, you’re going to be stuck with it and it will lead us in the direction of the European style, you know, sort of British-style, single payer, government run system. And those systems are known for delays, denial of care and, you know, if your particular malady doesn’t fit the government regulation, you don’t get the medication.

MILLER: Right. (Really Dennis??)

MCCONNELL: And it may cost you your life. I mean, we don’t want to go down that path.

No we certainly do not! Anything's better than letting the evil government of this country we adore be in charge of a program that directly affects the lives of millions of its citizens. That would be like asking death on a date.

Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather play it safe and stick with what works. Or what doesn't, if you're Republican. Better screwed than sorry!

Sarah Palin Doesn't Have Time For Naked Retards Like Levi Johnston

Alaskan oilfield worker turned celebrity baby daddy turned famous nude model Levi Johnston is apparently getting ready for his next big gig stuffed and hanging as the newest decorative piece on a wall in Sarah Palin's home office.

Which would help explain Johnston's interview on CBS's "The Early Show" repeating his earlier accusation that Sarah Palin is a terrible person and even worse mother who routinely referred to her son, Trig, who suffers from Down syndrome, as her "retarded baby."

"I was just in shock for the first time I heard it," Johnston said. "And then she'd say it regularly. And I think she was joking, but it doesn't make it right."

You bet(cha) your special needs ass it doesn't!

But being the gentleman he is, Levi's not gonna sit here and bad mouth that conniving, fame-seeking fraud Sarah Palin, opting to take the high road instead.

"There are some things that I have that are huge. And I haven’t said them because I'm not gonna hurt her that way...You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could, very easily. But there’s — I’m not gonna do it. I’m not going that far."

Still, Johnston said, "Those are just little things I put in Vanity Fair. You know, all the big things I got, I'm keeping -- you know, I'm keeping them in, and -- you know, it's just something that probably will never come out."

But don't worry because the real goods are still coming out--in an upcoming issue of Playgirl magazine--when Levi exposes the Johnston America's been waiting for.

Rest assured because like everything else Levi is involved in, the Playgirl spread will be done "tastefully."

"I'm not gonna just go out there and get naked." Ha ha, I mean what do you think he is some kind of idiot or something?

Whatever dude. Levi knows haters like Sarah will always do whatever they can to bring playas like him down.

"I'm sure Sarah's got something coming for me...I'm not worried about her saying anything about me. I've really never done anything bad. I don't have anything to hide. So she can go on and say what she wants."

Oh don't you worry Levi, something tells me that's one thing you can bank on.

Loyal Palin spokeswoman and defender from evil event planners Meg Stapleton is all over this latest attack on her majesty.

"We have purposefully ignored the mean spirited, malicious and untrue attacks on our family," Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said in an email. "We, like many, are appalled at the inflammatory statements being made or implied. Trig is our ‘blessed little angel’ who knows it and is lovingly called that every day of his life. Even the thought that anyone would refer to Trig by any disparaging name is sickening and sad."

Palin, who did not refer to Johnston (as a blessed little angel or specifically by name at all) singled out CBS for giving him a "forum to propagate lies" and alluded to Johnston's upcoming bare-all spread in Playgirl magazine.

“Consider the source of the most recent attention-getting lies - those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention,” she said.

Well well, imagine that. Guess you could just say he decided to go rogue!

Michele Bachmann Would Love To Be Queen To This "Stunning" King

Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann may be willing to slit her wrists for freedom but turns out patriotic bloodletting isn't the only thing to get this right-wing raven all hot and bothered.

That my friends is up to kindred spirit and "stunning" fellow nutball Rep. Steve King of Iowa whose sexy baby blues and virulent homophobia is enough to melt the ice-cold heart of this seductively unstable Land O' Lakes vixen.

In fact, Michele Bachmann is so smitten with this anti-gay crusading, chiseled, stud muffin that she cannot use a single word to describe this sexy, rock-hard definition of manhood other than stunning.

Michele's latest eye-f**king of Mr. King occurred just this week on the House floor when she yielded to the "stunning" Representative from Iowa and proved to the world her true calling lies not in Congress but in low-budget pornography films where her and Steve would be free to strip amendments and filibuster each other all night long.

While Bachmann may not be ready or mentally balanced enough to make a White House run of her own, she does know one studly, testosterone-pumping beefcake of a man who would be a perfect candidate to get embarrassed in 2012.

"I have a very high opinion of Steve King and his ability, so I would encourage him to consider any position for higher office." Or any position where he's on top of her for that matter.

While Bachmann attributes the "stunning" nickname to the national media, political commentators and other such pundits and insiders, the ever-adorable congressman from Minnesota seems to be the only person actually using the stunning label to describe King.

Asshole, sure. Racist whackjob, maybe. Ignorant bigot, no doubt. But stunning? Eh, a quick search of Google and Lexis Nexis seems to prove that's reserved for Michele and Michele alone.

Let's examine the evidence:

I must have my cape on. To the stunning gentleman from Iowa, the great Steve King, I want to thank you for allowing me to be a part of this discussion that you're broaching. And you've done a wonderful job all week on different occasions talking about the true depth of this problem and the positive alternatives. --September 17, 2009

I could never hold a candle to the stunning Steve King of Iowa, so I thank you for deferring to me for a few minutes, and I am extremely grateful for the gentleman's comments on the floor so far this evening. --September 14, 2009

I want to thank so much my colleague, Steve King from Iowa -- the "stunning" Steve King of Iowa, as he is known in the mainstream media, so grateful for your advocacy, and also for that of Judge Gohmert. And Judge Gohmert, I trust that you're a hanging judge down in the State of Texas. --April 28, 2009

I thank the gentleman from Iowa, also known as the Stunning Steve King of Iowa, as stated by national political commentators, who certainly know what they are talking about. Steve King is one of our stalwart patriots who is here on the floor fighting on behalf of the American people. --March 24, 2009

I would like to add to the stunning Steve King from Iowa for his comment. --March 12, 2009

So basically one blue-eyed, raving madwoman wants to bang an equally insane ocean-eyed defender of all things Jesus, moral, and white.

What a stunning coincidence!!

Royally Screwed: The Crank Queen & Her Stunning King

Joe Lieberman See's Opportunity To Fulfill His Destiny As Biggest Buzzkill Ever

America's most boring, backstabbing, rat pariah Senator Joe Lieberman woke up this morning only to realize it was late October and he hadn't filled his "What can I do to piss everyone off?" quota for the month.

This made him very upset. So upset in fact that he was forced to quicken his slow, lumbering gait and hurry his droopy self over to reporters to hastily explain his reasons for wanting to screw up the whole health care reform thing. Perhaps a troubled childhood? Or maybe he's just jealous of that Harry Reid fellow for also being boring, old and annoying, yet oddly likable or at least compared to sniveling, self-serving frauds like himself.

"I told Senator Reid that I’m strongly inclined–I haven’t totally decided, but I’m strongly inclined–to vote to proceed to the health care debate, even though I don’t support the bill that he’s bringing together because it’s important that we start the debate on health care reform because I want to vote for health care reform this year. But I also told him that if the bill remains what it is now, I will not be able to support a cloture motion before final passage. Therefore I will try to stop the passage of the bill."

Of course, this man of honor (and the magic #60 for Democrats in a cloture vote) would totally side with Republicans to filibuster any health reform bill he doesn't agree with because that's basically what Democrat-turned-Independent-turned outcast congressional nuisances do when they aren't getting enough attention.

"I think a lot of people may think that the public option is free. It’s not. It’s going to cost the taxpayers and people who have health insurance now, and if it doesn’t it’s going to add terribly to the national debt…there’s so much in this health reform legislation that is so good, that I think they’re just putting an unnecessary burden on top of it by creating another Washington-based entitlement program."

Oh, Joe, Joe Joe! Just because you're still bitter about being embarrassed in the 2006 Democratic primary and having to switch parties (because no one likes you) doesn't mean you have to ruin everything and sell your soul all so some sketchy corporation continues to fund your pathetic campaign to desperately cling to power.

You may be a lot of things (whiny, petty, and mind-blowingly dull), but we all know you're not stupid. Or at least not in the Sarah Palin kind of way, which means you know very well the public option wouldn't be a government-funded entitlement for free health care like you claim, but a self-sufficient program financed by premiums and unable to draw on federal funds, with the whole concept being the opposite of difficult to understand and all.

Never mind the fact his statements are at great odds with the findings of most experts, who say that by lowering the government's subsidy burden, a public option will actually save money. Joe pays no mind to annoying trivialities like facts and truth.

Think about it. How else would he continue his impressive streak as the hands-down winner of the people's choice awards for douchiest senator ever? I mean you don't get to be the greatest mistake the public ever made for nothing!