No Way José! Crazed, Right-Wing, Immigrant-Hating Arizona Sheriff Is Almost As Good At Screwing Over Mexicans As He Is At Screwing Them

When you think of crazed, Mexican-hating, wingnut Arizona sheriffs, normally the first thing that comes to mind is a crazed, gay, Mexican-hating, wingnut Arizona sheriff who hates his own hideous homo self even more than the terrible Mexicans he's always shrieking about, that he actually tries to deport his gay Mexican lover for the terrible crime of being, well, umm, his gay Mexican lover.

It may sound like a page out of some trashy queer pulp novel about cowboys who like other cowboys, but turns out it's the true, real life story of Mexican deportin' Republican Pinal County Sheriff by the name of Paul Babeu with an unquenchable (albeit inconvenient) thirst for the semen of illegal Mexican men.

Which, for a self-hating homosexual in the parched, whites-only hellscape that is Aryanzona, can be quite a doozy!

According to the Phoenix New-Times:

Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu — who became the face of Arizona border security nationally after he started stridently opposing illegal immigration — threatened his Mexican ex-lover with deportation when the man refused to promise never to disclose their years-long relationship, the former boyfriend and his lawyer tell New Times.

The latest of the alleged threats were made through Babeu’s personal attorney, who’s also running the sheriff’s campaign for Congress in District 4, the ex-lover says.

"Jose" says he met Babeu in October 2006 on gay.com, a dating website. What started with an online invitation from Babeu for the two to get together, he says, turned into not only a personal relationship but a professional one.

Jose says he created and maintained Babeu’s campaign websites, his Facebook page, and his Twitter account. Babeu didn’t pay him for his online services, he claims.

Or at least not in actual currency. Sadly, semen is not yet legal tender in the United States (or Mexico!) but hopefully Santorum will change that.

Despite the steamy allegations, Babeu has naturally decided to continue running for Congress because that's what publicly humiliated, painfully hypocritical, self-loathing, cock loving Republican political hopefuls do. Hell, it's pretty much part of the GOP oath at this point!

Besides, he's obviously very tough on illegal immigration, particularly when it comes to the actual Mexican men he is sodomizing. We can only assume he is the one doing the sodomizing, since as a Republican sheriff in Arizona, his whole existence is to prevent penetration.

But there's something awfully familiar about this bigoted gay Republican, beyond the usual comically tragic tale of secrets, lies, and self-destructing as Mitt Romney's current campaign chairman in Arizona.

Hmmmm...

Oh right, he's the same misshaped skull, Mr. Clean look-a-like who starred in John McCain's enlightened 2008 campaign video, "Complete The Danged Fence!"

And what a fence it is! Serving the dual purpose of keeping the gross Mexicans out while at the same time keeping his inner demons in.

America's first border fence, in all its radiant glory(holes)! Finally, the kind of protection even Republicans can get behind!

Is That A Glock In Your Pocket Or Are You Just A Mentally Ill Misfit From Arizona?

Usually when something shocking and terrible happens, normal people come together to grieve, express their sorrow, and reflect on the unspeakable tragedy in a heartfelt way, if only for a fleeting moment.

Then there's Arizona's way.

After witnessing one of their own elected Representatives, Democrat Gabrielle Giffords, and 19 others brutally gunned down in Tuscon by a Glock-wielding, grammar obsessed madman, the decent guys 'n gals in  the parched, Mexican-free wasteland formerly known as Arizona had only one thought on their mind: How they could get one of dem awesome gunz, too!

Together they let out a collective, booming yipppeeeeeeeeeeee before hightailin' it to the nearest corner gun shop to get their own two proud 'merican hands on a bright shiny new Glock 19mm RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

It's true! Gun shops throughout Arizona simply cannot keep the beautiful, shiny pocket death machines like the one used by Jared Loughner on their shelves, as the entire state was muy impressed with the cool efficiency by which it murdered innocent people. Such ease! Such precision! Such power! Such chaos! Such bloodshed!

But with such beautiful, spontaneous death comes a deep, dark creeping fear that soon the big bad gubmint will come and take away all their precious portable people-killing pocket devices, and the good citizens of Arizona will be left with nothing but English-only words and phrases, not hollow point bullets, to hurl at their elected officials and Mexican enemies of freedom.

"When the election process took place, people were fearful they were going to lose access to tactical firearms with high capacity magazines, as has been the case in the past when Democrats took office," said Blake Mecham, national accounts manager for Browning and its subsidiary, Winchester.

"People were rushing out to buy guns, because they were worried [Obama] was going to take their guns away," criminal justice professor William J. Vizzard, said. "He didn't have a single proposal on the table for gun laws. It defies reason. It's a culture unto itself."

Yes, a wonderful, rich culture of endless funeral line processions and black-clothed grieving mothers wailing in agony.

Because nothing says good business like some good old-fashioned carnage!

“Whenever there is a huge event, especially when it’s close to home, people do tend to run out and buy something to protect their family,” said Don Gallardo, a manager at Arizona Shooter’s World in Phoenix, who said that the number of people signing up for the store’s concealed weapons class doubled over the weekend. 

Greg Wolff, the owner of two Arizona gun shops, told his manager to get ready for a stampede of new customers after Jared Loughner opened fire at a Tucson shopping center on Jan. 8.

Wolff was right. Instead of hurting sales, the massacre had the $499 semi-automatic pistols -- popular with police, sport shooters and gangsters -- flying out the doors of his Glockmeister stores in Mesa and Phoenix.

“We’re at double our volume over what we usually do,” Wolff said two days after the shooting spree. “When something like this happens people get worried that the government is going to ban stuff.”

Wolff called the shooting “horrible.” Nonetheless, it has created a surge of publicity for the gun, he said.

“It’s in the news now. I’m sure the Green Bay Packers are selling all kinds of jerseys today as well,” he said. “I just think our state embraces guns.”

OMG, like totes same thing! One is a fun game people like to play and watch when getting wasted at the local bar, where full grown men lay sprawled and splattered on the ground. The other is football.

“It’s one of the greatest guns made in the history of the world,” said Wolff, whose two stores sell Glock-made weapons almost exclusively.

Which is only fitting for the greatest country God ever made in the history of the world...So he could pump 30 continuous rounds into it.

Mwhahahahaha, dumb mortal little Glock-suckers! God doesn't Retreat...or Reload!

Glenn Beck's Fake Tears & Sarah Palin's Dumb Tweets Don't Kill People (Just Brain Cells); Crazy People With Semiautomatic Weapons Do!

Usually when a young 20-something man goes on a bloody shooting rampage, killing a whole bunch of innocent people, everyone is equally shocked and stunned and horrified, and nobody ever, in a million years, saw it coming. 

Not so with Jared Loughner, the deranged 22-year-old lunatic who shot Arizona's popular Democratic Rep. Gabrielle Giffords point blank in the head, killed six others, including a little 9 year-old-girl, and injured 19 more in a tragic massacre outside a Tuscon Safeway during a 'Congress On Your Corner' meet 'n greet on Saturday.

Basically, everyone who met the dude was absolutely convinced it was only a matter of time before he went out and shot a bunch of people. The only question really was when.

This is what most people who knew this kid for the past few years are saying: he was a freaky loner who scared the bejesus out of anyone with a pulse. Which means everyone outside of Dick Cheney was pretty much convinced this guy was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode, probably sooner than later, all over Arizona.

Now while the residents of Arizona may have been concerned about Jared Loughner, the state of Arizona was never really going to try to help him or anything because c'mon he wasn't a dirty Mexican or anything. And also personal responsibility! And fix your own damn mental health problems! This is America Arizona, after all!

What Arizona was willing to do however, was help this more-likely-than-not mentally unstable young man purchase his semi automatic murder weapon of choice (a Glock 9mm), as well as the 30+ shot extended magazine clip for extra flesh 'n bone rippin' fun!

Until one of those very same bullets he purchased legally and with little effort actually pierced the flesh of an innocent person, or in this case, like 20 innocent people.

“I was getting concerned about the safety of the students and the school,” said algebra instructor Ben McGahee, who took to glancing out of the corner of his eye when he was writing on the board for fear that Mr. Loughner might do something. “I was afraid he was going to pull out a weapon.”

A student in the class, Lynda Sorenson, 52, wrote an e-mail to a friend expressing her concerns.
“We do have one student in the class who was disruptive today, I’m not certain yet if he was on drugs (as one person surmised) or disturbed. He scares me a bit,” Ms. Sorenson wrote in an e-mail in June that was forwarded Sunday to The New York Times.

“The teacher tried to throw him out and he refused to go, so I talked to the teacher afterward. Hopefully he will be out of class very soon, and not come back with an automatic weapon.”

Mr. Loughner’s behavior grew so troubling that he was told he could no longer attend the school, and he appeared, given his various Internet postings, to find a sense of community in some of the more paranoid corners of the Internet.

At a meeting in early October at the college’s northwest campus, where he attended classes, Mr. Loughner said he would withdraw. Three days later, the college sent him a letter telling him that if he wanted to return, he would need to undergo a mental health evaluation. “After this event, there was no further college contact with Loughner,” the college said in a statement.

Not surprisingly, the media has been falling over themselves trying to figure out what on God's green earth could have sparked Jared Lee Loughner to turn from your everyday run-of-the-mill weirdo into a paranoid schizophrenic/raging bloodthirsty madman obsessed with grammar and currency who shoots elected officials and nine-year-old girls with semiautomatic weapons in front of grocery stores.

When Bryce Tierney first heard about the Tucson massacre, he had a sickening feeling: “They hadn’t released the name, but I said, ‘Holy shit, I think it’s Jared that did it.’” Tierney tells Mother Jones in an exclusive interview that Loughner held a years-long grudge against Giffords and had repeatedly derided her as a “fake.

Since hearing of the rampage, Tierney has been trying to figure out why Loughner did what he allegedly did. "More chaos, maybe," he says. "I think the reason he did it was mainly to just promote chaos. He wanted the media to freak out about this whole thing. He wanted exactly what's happening. He wants all of that."

Tierney thinks that Loughner's mindset was like the Joker in the most recent Batman movie: "He fucks things up to fuck shit up, there's no rhyme or reason, he wants to watch the world burn. He probably wanted to take everyone out of their monotonous lives: 'Another Saturday, going to go get groceries'—to take people out of these norms that he thought society had trapped us in."

Of course, the problem with trying to understand the incomprehensible behavior of an obviously deranged man is that genuine craziness like Loughner's rejects easy classification and defies explanation. So accusing Sarah Palin and assorted other rifle-totin' Teabaggers of somehow inspiring or fostering this type of action is sort of like blaming birthday clowns for John Wayne Gacy or Alive: The Story of the Andes Survivors for Jeffrey Dahmer.

Sure, it doesn't help that public figures like Sarah Palin put up interactive maps with gun crosshairs targeting political rivals, like Gabrielle Giffords for instance, and constantly remind America "Don't Retreat, Reload." But even if we were to ban all the Sarah Palins and Glenn Becks in the world, crazy is still crazy. And in America, a person like Loughner may be too crazy for community college but certainly not too crazy to waltz into a store and waltz out with a semiautomatic weapon.

One of the talking points about the Tucson shooting is that the gun used is “just the same as the one police use”, and that’s true – the Glock 9mm pistol is a common police sidearm. But, police carry it with a 15 shot clip, not the 30+ shot extended magazine Loughner used. By the definition of the assault weapon ban, it’s an assault gun with that extended mag.

And since Arizona essentially has no gun laws, there was nothing to stop a lunatic like Loughner from purchasing a gun, loading it, driving to the local Tuscon Safeway and opening fire on a crowd of unarmed men, woman, and children.

Perhaps, instead of asking the likes of Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, the Tea Party and the entire Fox News team to refrain from open hatred and violent inflammatory rhetoric, we would be much better served considering enacting barriers to the purchase of semi-automatic weapons by obviously insane people.

Because if there's one thing America has collectively agreed upon at this point, it is that restricting our freedom to say meany things to one another is a helluva lot easier and more desirable than restricting our favoritest freedom to acquire powerful firearms to use on one another.

Apparently, many in our great nation, and in Arizona particularly, believe that registering firearms, requiring competency evaluations, or mandating that all gun sales be accompanied by a note from a mental health professional certifying mental stability is waaaaaay too much of a burden than say, the occasional senseless slaughter of innocent people and nine-year-old girls.

Good thing Arizona Governor Jan Brewer understands that the good people of America would much prefer to have the occasional mass killing than reasonable restrictions on the rights of crazy people to buy guns.

What Gov. Brewer is upset about, however isn't the selling of a semi-automatic assault weapon to a crazy person or even her state's terrible negligence when it comes to caring for the mentally ill, since they are pathetic losers who nobody likes anyway.

No, no what really grinds ol' Jan Brewer's gears is the fact that Loughner is not a Mexican, because everyone knows Mexicans are terrible criminals responsible for every unspeakable act of violence, everywhere.

Had Loughner been Mexican or even so much as looked even slightly Mexicanish, this whole tragedy would never have happened.

Dude would have been (legally!) harassed and detained so many times, he probably wouldn't even have made it to the damn Safeway.

Most Mexicans can't. Why else would they call it Safeway?

Duh!

Jan Brewer Can't Remember Why She Started Doing This ‘Running For Governor’ Thing In The First Place!

Heroic Nazi-hunting Governor Jan Brewer is ready to lead the great Mexican-huntin', parched desert wasteland formerly known as Arizona, back to its White Power glory days...err, if she could only remember a single reason why or even a single word of her favoritest English language!

Warning: It's very painful. Or as Politico's Ben Smith notes, "reflects either an amazing lack of preparation, or sheer panic."

And likely, a hearty dose of stupidity too!

Apparently the Mexican speechwriters responsible for Jan Brewer’s opening statements all got deported!

¡Aye Carumba!

How Much Does It Cost For An Old, Washed Up Maverick To Buy His Way Out Of Retirement & Win An Election?

Congratulations America! All your hard work, tireless efforts, and Cindy McCain's beer money have finally paid off because John McCain, THE John McCain, has officially defeated certified nutjob and
world-famous infomercial star J.D. Hayworth to win Arizona's Senate seat and return once again to Washington, DC to give the nation another six years (at least!) of good times and cheer watching a confused old man wander aimlessly, muttering to himself, through the hallowed halls of the U.S. Congress. Which sure beats doing the same thing in the hot, scary, Mexican-filled desert of his native land, Arizona!

So now that John McCain will officially never be voted out of office, because, much like their favorite ancient Senator and living fossil Gramps McCain, Arizona Republicans are also too old, confused, and ignorant to know what's going on, ever, the whole nation ('cept the Mexis!) can breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Three cheers for the pretend maverick! WOOHOO! Score one for America!

And to think, all he had to give up was the last, remaining specks of his integrity and legacy (Prisoner-of-War-turned-Prisoner-of Wingnuts?), while his long-suffering wife Cindy had to drop a cool $20 million just to finally get the old man back to DC, so she can go back to diddling the hunky pool boy like the good ol' pill-addled days.

So now that John McCain is back where he should be (and out of the wifey's way), let's take a moment to reflect upon the countless morals lost and trust funds tapped on the long, strange desert odyssey to defeat a teetotalin' lunatic on horseback initialed J.D. Hayworth and continue putting Country First by stowing his integrity in the ice box, along with SarBear, Cindy's petty cash, and his sanity.

Of course, with sweet Cindy's Budweiser-bought victory for Johnny, the only clear losers in the election were the people of Arizona, who had to endure a relentless barrage of sleazy ads from both sides, and as a result didn't really care who won, so long as the audio/visual assaults stopped. I mean, even a thousand screeching Cindy's, or salsa dancing Mexicans, would be a welcome respite from the god-awful ads these two cooked up!

Turnout at the polls was light for much of today for Arizona’s primary election, which will set the field for November races ranging from U.S. Senate to local constable.

As they turned out to cast ballots, many voters said they were turned off by relentless and negative campaign advertising, saying the mudslinging distracted the public from important issues like the economy and illegal immigration.

Totes! Ha ha, I mean like why isn't anyone talking about illegal immigration in Arizona of all places, lately?? Perhaps they completed the danged fence or maybe Gov. GI Jan Brewer is simply too busy fighting National Socialist threats like her heroic Nazi-hunting father to bother?

But now that America can rest assured knowing its collective grandfather will be around for as long as his frustratingly hearty genes allow him to continue selling his soul for power, the political watchdogs over at Esquire have gone ahead and crunched the numbers to find just how much of John Cindy McCain's beer fortune the old man blew to defeat an actual cartoon character and win Arizona's GOP senate primary.

Turns out, it is indeed possible to put a very large and very comical price per vote on what it cost the McCains to eke out an unimpressive victory in the hot, abandoned drug 'n Mexican-overrun wasteland known as Arizona.

So, with 56 percent of the vote (compared to J.D. Hayworth's 32 percent), the ol' maverHACK received approximately 281,347 votes. And considering the $21 million cost of his campaign, some simple elementary math reveals everyone's favorite septuagenarian paid approximately $74.64 for each one of his unenthusiastic votes — $21 million ÷ 281,347 = $74.64.

Now, it's no secret McCain has always paid a premium for every winning vote, but to put this desperation in proper perspective, McCain's 1982 congressional campaign cost $13.54 per vote in inflation-adjusted dollars ($550,000 ÷ 89,116 votes = $13.54), while the 2008 presidential race only cost him $5.03 per lever pull ($293 million ÷ 58.3 million votes = $5.03), but then again Johnny did have the natural advantage of running against an actual colored person, in America, which ya know always helps.

Besides, at this rate the McCain/Budweiser fortune should be totally shot by the next couple o' Senate races. Then, the grumpy old coot can finally go home, Cindy can again relapse into a Rx haze, and John McCain can return to starring in hilarious commercials wandering the vast Arizona desert searching for (white!) people to pay off in exchange for their vote.

But, if he were really smart, he would stop wasting his Cindy's money. For the price of just one vote, McCain could have hired like three illegals because you don't need a green card or English skills to know better than having a demented, old man wander the scary, illegal-filled wilderness of Arizona, alone and unarmed.

But, give the old man some credit. At least someone's still pumping money into this limp, lifeless economy.

Even if it's only to keep their own limp, lifeless carcass in the Senate, and out of some posh retirement community in Scottsdale. At Cindy's insistence, of course.

Someone Get This Man A Hot Dog. For God's Sake, I'd Say He's Earned It!

No Country For Embittered Old Men

"America, Arizona we're all struggling. I can't think of a time in my life when we had bigger or more vital issues at stake than today."

In fact, Gramps over here can't remember very much of anything these days!

Ehhh, where was I? Ah, yes...

"The rebuilding of our economy, the security of our nation, our border, and the safety of every citizen in Arizona."

So long as their white, legal, and not streaming 'cross Juarez like a bunch of dirty border-jumpin' cockroaches, John McCain will protect 'em...and he doesn't even need to speak in complete sentences to prove it.

So goes the latest campaign ad from our favorite AARP celebrity, America's grandfather John McCain, appropriately titled "vital" because nothing's more vital than an old man's vital signs failing as he wanders aimlessly through the desert in a demented haze, searching for whatever it is that Alzheimer's ravaged washed-up, almost-octogenarian statesman think they'll find in the parched desert wilderness of the American West (their principles/integrity/soul?).

I sure hope Johnny's not still wandering endless sand dunes looking for his pants. No matter how many times you tell him he's already wearing 'em, he never seems to remember!

And the wild, untamed Arizona desert is certainly no place for a frail old man in a cute "Navy" hat, faded jeans, and button-down blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up all adorable just like Meghan taught him, (ummm,what happened to completing the danged sleeve roll-up!?) to walk limp around all by his lonesome, without fearless, heat-packin' Grizzlies like Sarah or Nazi Governor Jan Brewer to protect him.

Just think of all the dangers Johnny could run into out there, alone in the vast, unforgiving desert! There's snakes, scorpions, spiders, his long-lost, even more ancient relative, the dreaded Gila monster, wild coyotes, and of course, the most spine-tingling threat of 'em all: scary citizenship-seeking brown people from Mexico innocently singing La Bamba en route to destroying America's once pure, beautiful, monochromatic white culture. Arrrrrggggghhhh!

Oh no, the dehydration must have gotten to him first because now Johnny's seeing a mirage: There are happy Arizonans here in the desert with him. And, thankfully they're all-white like him and also very much want to hear what J Mac has to say. That's a very nice thought, old man. Tell them about rebuilding the economy, or maybe how you beat those dang Vietcong with nothing but a piece of twine, your own resolve, and the unshakable belief you can do anything if you really put your mind to it. Cept maybe not crashing your plane deep inside enemy territory and getting captured alive.

"I proudly stood up for our state, (even if I need a nice comfy chair now). Never backed down. My father and grandfather taught me and I've taught my children: service before self. If ever there was a time to honor that code, that time is now. We will get America back on course, we will return Arizona to safety and prosperity. Working together we can improve the lives of every Arizona family."

Err, make that every decent white NATURAL citizen who didn't cross a border or jump on a boat to get here. Or at least had the common decency to do that a loooooooong time ago, before it was bad and everyone hated them for it.

"I appreciate your support, I ask for your vote."

Hell, he'll do just about anything for it (including beg!). Hate Mexicans? Him too! Love guns? Same here! Wanna keep gross gays away from the altar? He's with ya! Can't stand poor people? Ugh, neither can he! Worried about half-black Socialist presidents destroying America? Ditto for Gramps!

Because for John McCain, "character matters." DISCLAIMER: void where prohibited, like when running for political office, during hotly contested Senate primaries, or any other time the whole "character" thing is really more trouble than its worth. Which incidentally, much like his urge to "go" in the middle of the night, happens to be occurring with more and more frequency.

But a hearty thank you to John McCain, the original maverick-turned-Desperado (in the sad, desperate, not Antonio Banderas badass kind of way), for using this wonderful ad to send a very important message to voters: "John McCain: Not Dead Yet!"

You'd be surprised how long you can go on ticking after your mind, soul, principles, and dignity have all long left you. Hell, Dick Cheney can do it without a heart or a pulse, so eat that Johnny! But just remember to take your dentures out first...

Oh and big props to the old man for also enlightening America about the variations among states in their treatment of the elderly.

In Alaska, they set the Old People adrift on an ice floe when they no longer serve a purpose. In Arizona, they apparently take 'em out to the desert to hallucinate & wander aimlessly for the rest of their days, as sweet (and by the looks of it, swift) justice for cruelly wooing Alaskan vultures out of their igloos, and unleashing the scavenging beasts upon the rest of us "fresh carcasses" residing in those parts of the county not yet overrun with moose and/or Mexicans.

But, I sure hope he makes his way home soon…the buzzards are starting to circle. Oh wait never mind, that's just Cindy, Megs, G.I. Jan, SarBear, and the rest of his favoritest gaggle of gal pals. Phew!

Good thing, they prefer their meat a little fresher, without that leathery gristle, and bitter old man aftertaste.

Republicans Love Blacks & Mexicans So Much, They Just Can't Stop Saying & Doing Weird, Racist Things All The Time

The world's dopiest illegal stasher of $7 million secret RNC debt, Chairman Michael Steele (who else, yo?) and most deviant duper of liberals and black racists in the White House and NAACP, right-wing media monster mogul Andrew Breitbart are joining forces to create the biggest, most bad-ass fund-raising juggernaut the Republicans, no, make that the world, has ever seen!

Because, surely, rich, old white people be clamoring to get their their photo taken with their favorite national joke, and favorite national scumbag, respectively, at an awesome, fun-filled (albeit lesbian free) event in Beverly Hills on August 12.

There, Tweedledee and Tweedledum of Teabaggers will likely delight the crowd with all the things incompetent, bumbling fools and weaselly, a**hole duos do to "make money" off people who actually want to give their money to a Party that considers these two losers as a super-sexy fundraising draw. Oooh, sounds exciting!

Perhaps they will argue about who is less racist and loves black people more, the RNC Chairman who is so off-the-hook down with the brothas, he leads a Party that openly admitted to using racism as an actual strategy for the past 40+ years, or the white media maverick who tries to get innocent black USDA officials and longtime civil rights leaders fired for learning a valuable lesson about how the only the color that really matters is green, via partial video clips that don't show anything except how much Andrew adores black people everywhere except in the White House or the NAACP.

In fact, the Grand Old Party is sooooooo not racist, they won't even fire a black man for doing everything he could possibly do wrong except being black because that would look really bad for the party still steaming over Northern aggressors' demanding they stop enslaving 'em or hanging 'em from trees.

To be perfectly honest, the color-blind men and women in the Republican Party would love nothing more than to never discuss race again except when refusing to fire woefully incompetent chairmen because of said race (pssst: black!) because running an organization into the ground is how you prove that color matters less than content of character. For reals yo!

Just Like Martin Luther King (or was it Glenn Beck?) dreamed it would be.

Either way, this Steele-Breitbart cash money bonanza is nothing less than a pure COMEDY GOLD MINE!

And we all know how the Republicans feel about gold these days.

Even the black (gasp!) kind that oozes its delicious marine-killing goodness all over America's coastal shores.

I mean, how much more not racist can you get? Wanna know what else is totally, 100% not racist?

Arizona's ¡Adiós Amigos! law saying hasta la vista to all those dirty Mexicanas streaming across the border, contaminating their once-pure desert air.

Thanks to Judge Susan Bolton of the Federal District Court in Phoenix, who has issued “a preliminary injunction blocking the more controversial parts" of Arizona's Nazi immigration law, like the awesome "carry your papers" provision that helps solve the immigration problem by constantly harassing brown or similarly colored people who look suspiciously like terrible, gross Mexicans.

The overall law will still take effect Thursday, but without the provisions that angered opponents including sections that required officers to check a person's immigration status while enforcing other laws.

The judge also put on hold parts of the law that required immigrants to carry their papers at all times, and made it illegal for undocumented workers to solicit employment in public places. In addition, the judge blocked officers from making warrantless arrests of suspected illegal immigrants.

"Requiring Arizona law enforcement officials and agencies to determine the immigration status of every person who is arrested burdens lawfully-present aliens because their liberty will be restricted while their status is checked," U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton ruled.

Liberty shmiberty! What about Aryanzona's liberty to discriminate against poor migrant workers who may or may not be terrible illegals from Mexiland coming to rape their wives and steal their livestock? Or was it the other way around?

Who is going to fight for them? Who's going to stand up for the poor, scared white folks simply trying to keep their beautiful country free from red-and-green sombrero wearing invaders salsa-dancing across barbed wire fences and roving gangs of armed white supremacists all for the chance to give little José and Rosalita a better life by getting wantonly discriminated against by toothless, trigger happy sheriffs prowlin' for La Bamba blastin' truckloads of lawless Latino laborers??

Why, the freedom fighting daughter of famed 1955 California Nazi hunter and blond haired angel of the parched, Mexican drug lord-overrun apocalyptic wasteland of Aryanzona, Gov. Jan Brewer, of course!

“I am disappointed by Judge Susan Bolton’s ruling. This fight is far from over. In fact, it is just the beginning, and at the end of what is certain to be a long legal struggle, Arizona will prevail in its right to protect our citizens.

And protect the pure white sanctity of these once grand, once wholesome, once beautiful milky hued land of Gila Monsters and old white retirees in Cubs hats.

“I have consulted with my legal counsel about our next steps. We will take a close look at every single element Judge Bolton removed from the law, and we will soon file an expedited appeal at the United States Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit.”

Ugh, thanks a lot for ruining everything SUSAN BOLTON!  Why do you hate white people that much? Has  Shirley Sherrod taught you nothing?

Guess you leave G.I. Jan with no choice but to classify you as a dirty, illegal Messican, place you under arrest, and deport you to a dark, creepy place where no one in their right mind would ever dare venture.

And now that Arizona's is no longer an option, guess that leaves just one place: bound and gagged in the basement of a faux lezzie S&M bondage club. Or, in other words, the next RNC fundraiser.

Michael Steele will personally see to it that every inch of her body is thoroughly strip-searched to satisfaction. Heck, just to be on the safe side, he'll even do it himself.

Some things are just begging to be screwed.

When Hate & Hombres Collide: J.T. Ready (Aim, Fire!) & His Posse Of Armed White Supremacists Head South To The Border!

To most average Americans, or at least those of us still blessed with a full set of teeth and the ability to formulate a single coherent English sentence without the words "sp*cs" or "n*ggers," Arizona's awesome, new ¡Adiós Amigos! law stemming the tide of gross border jumping beans streaming into the good ol' US of A from Mexicanland or Mexicoville or wherever it is dirty brown people come from, is the unconstitutional result of ugly, racist, Teabagger-fueled White Power hysteria.

But to some, like neo-Nazi J.T. Ready, Aryanzona's Nazi immigration law simply doesn't go far enough. Which is why he and some fascist buddies have decided to gear up, head South, and roam the desert lookin' for some good, old fashioned Mexicans to hunt! His #1 favoritest past-time!

Because proud Caucasians like J.T. Ready rely on more than just dumb, two initialed names and even dumber ideas to prove their white trash worthiness. They earn their swastika stripes by bein' the best damn roving gang of armed skinheads ever to go snipin' for smelly Mexicans before they're able to sneak across the border, steal all their jobs, and have their way with their women and children.

If the God damn gubmint is going to sit back and let America be destroyed by hardworking, industrious "narco terrorists" streaming like roaches over the border to provide a better life for their families, then J.T. Ready and his posse of Klansman and White Supremacists are left no choice but to take matters into their own two trigger-happy hands. For liberty!

A freedom he's been protectin' since like all the way back in 2007, when Ready posted on the New Saxon website, a forum that serves as "An Online Community for Whites, by Whites:" Hooray!!

The truth is that negroids screw monkeys and rape babies in afreaka [sic]. Then stupid white man who licks kosher jew rear lets negroids in...Stop Negroid immigration and integration now!!! Nature will take care of the rest."

Ummm, okay?? But that was like soooooooo three years ago! Surely, a man of J.T.'s Ready's girth and caliber has matured beyond "Negroid screw monkeys" and "kosher Jew rear" and graduated to more pressing matters like evil, sombrero wearing, La Bamba singing, women-sexin' menaces to a pure, white Christian America, like God and Jesus intended when they first arrived as immigrants on the shores of Ellis Island to purify the new land of any terrible coloreds and other non-white undesirables.

If they don't want my people out there, then there's an easy way to send us home: Secure the border," he said. "We'll put our guns back on the shelf, and that'll be the end of that."

The end, finale, finito! See, it's as easy as uno, dos, tres! All they need to do is secure our borders with electrically-charged barbed wire fences, landmines, armed guards (preferably with neo-nazi tendencies) with M-16s scouring the horizon from towers, lay a trail of tacos and/or pesos, and viola! Sit back and enjoy the fiesta!

And if the big, bad government refuses to declare awesome war on our neighbors to the South? Then what will Ready and his armed militia of Southern fried freakshows do if they see Mexicans trying to cross illegally into Arizona?

"We'll Kill Them."

Of course! He's been Ready his whole life...the go-getter!

Hillary Clinton Finally Gets The Hang Of Blowing Things...Like State Secrets On Ecuadorian TV!

Apparently, Hillary Clinton has learned the importance of blowing things every once in a while, because 12 years after a little reminder in the form of an eager, young intern named Monica, Hillrod has finally succumbed to the pressure and opened that nice mouth, big and wide.

Yes, Hilly blew it big time!

Turns out the usually tight-lipped half of the Clintons let the proverbial cat out of the bag when sbe very casually told an Ecuadorian television interviewer that President Obama's Justice Department will matter-of-factly be bringing a lawsuit against Arizona's immigration law, probably because it is an insane violation of our constitutional rights and a very ugly reminder of what happens when hatred and fear hijack public discourse.

Oh, but what does an old hat at State, who some may more precisely call Secretary, like her know anyway?

Aside from the ho-hum fact (yawn!) that Obama's justice department is about to go loco on Arizona's wingnut law prohibiting gross Mexicanish-looking people from inhabiting their Grand KKK Wizard Canyon State.

Contacted about Clinton's comments, State Department spokesman PJ Crowley said they simply reflected her beliefs.

"The Secretary was asked about the Arizona law during a TV interview in Ecuador," Crowley said.

"She believes that a better approach is comprehensive immigration reform, and said so. Regarding how far along the legal review is, that is a matter for the Department of Justice."

Ummm, yeah, I'm sure they'd agree too. If the damn blabbermouths in State would ever stop running their mouths all over South American teevee shows.

But nooooo! Madame Secretary just couldn't keep her big trap shut and let the big news umm, slip(?) for the whole (Mexican?) world to hear during a June 8 interview for Ecuadorean TV:

"President Obama has spoken out against the law because he thinks that the federal government should be determining immigration policy," Hillary said. "And the Justice Department, under his direction, will be bringing a lawsuit against the act."

Well, well, look at little-Miss-know-it-all now! Mentioning a closely-guarded secret before the Administration completed its public rollout strategy...How positively Bill Clinton of her!

Perhaps this slip of the ol' tongue was some revenge for ol' Hillrod, a bit of an "F-You" to Obama for stealing her rightful place as the first female Presidente of these great United States, who will say whatever she wants, whenever she feels like it, God damn it! Or maybe, it was just an honest mistake, sort of like a momentary, "I forget where I was while spilling hush-hush Justice Department secrets on Arizona's Nazi immigration law against Latinos."

Which just so happened to be in the South American country called Ecuador. Ironic, I know!

Not as ironic as, say, Arizona Governor and famed daughter of fictional Nazi-hunter Wilford Drinkwine, Jan Brewer, claiming to be "stunned" that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would dare say that the Justice Department will sue her state over its terrible, new, immigration law. But much like her freedom-fighting father before her, G.I. Jan is vowing to fight the enemy, tooth and nail!

And she's in it to win it, mis amigos!

The heroic governor blasted Clinton's remarks as  "no way to treat the people of Arizona."

We do that with a net, prodder, and one-way ticket back to Juarez! ¿Comprende?

"To learn of this lawsuit through an Ecuadorean interview with the secretary of state is just outrageous," she said. "If our own government intends to sue our state to prevent illegal immigration enforcement, the least it can do is inform us before it informs the citizens of another nation."

A terrible, no-good Latino nation, no less!

"We are going to pursue it, we're going to be very aggressive," Brewer said. "We'll meet them in court...And we will win."

Unless, another one of NObama's elitist arugula cilantro-eating activist judges like Sonia Sotomayor is presiding. Then who knows what will happen!

Maybe they'll strike down Aryanzona's "Bye, Bye Brownie" law and start deporting dried up, sun-scorched, Mexi-huntin', desert-dwellin' lady folk, whose patriotic papas died fighting a similar Nazi scourge in 1955 California, instead.

You just never know with those crazy, reverse-racist muchachas will do!

Hell, even the supposedly "trustworthy" white ones like ol' Hill spill the beans from time to time.

Just so long as they aren't of the Mexican, jumping variety, ¡no problemo!

Sadly, Arizona Radio Legend Steve Blair's "Scream Racist Things At Children" Campaign Fails To Gain Steam Among Those Not Wearing White Robes & Hoods

Oh goody, America!

Just when you thought Arizona couldn't get any more creepily racist and crazy, the Union's original black sheep goes and does something not totally gut-wrenching and horrible, dare we say even slightly normal, and we once again find ourselves confused as to the true identity of America's favorite wayward state of Mexi huntin' desert dwellers.

In case you missed it, what with BP's oily marine massacre down in the Gulf, Rush Limbaugh's 4th lifetime vow of love and fidelity (but 1st featuring terrible gay Elton John!), and/or the any number of racist shenanigans goin' on ever since Arizona enacted their No, way José law prohibiting weird, Mexicany-looking brown people, here is a quick synopsis of the original terrible story and thankfully, its not-completely demented resolution.

From the Arizona Republic:

A group of artists has been asked to lighten the faces of children depicted in a giant public mural at a Prescott school. The project’s leader says he was ordered to lighten the skin tone after complaints about the children’s ethnicity...

R.E. Wall, director of Prescott’s Downtown Mural Project, said he and other artists were subjected to slurs from motorists as they worked on the painting at one of the town’s most prominent intersections.

“We consistently, for two months, had people shouting racial slander from their cars,” Wall said. “We had children painting with us, and here come these yells of 'Nigger' and 'Spics.'”

The children depicted on the mural are, of course, little kids who go to the school — "a K-5 school with 380 students and the highest ethnic mix of any school in Prescott," with thousands of town residents volunteering or donating to the project...ya know, for the kids!

And while these children gathered at this happy mural encouraging "green transportation," Prescott's finest have been driving by, yelling "Nigger" and "Spic" at this school wall painted with pictures of children who attend the school, demanding this hideous montage be destroyed, or at the very least, the faces lightened to look like good, white American children, not brown or black or yellow miscreants who just wandered in from Tijuana or Thailand or God knows where.

Being Arizona, this "behavior" has naturally been encouraged by a city councilman, Steve Blair, who moonlights as some white power local radio host who uses the airwaves to rile up the good people of Prescott and demand the principal remove the black student's face from the mural or repaint the faces of the Black and Latino students as nice, normal light-skinned children. The way God intended.

Which almost happened!

But then suddenly, the principal of the school got himself some principles and decided "painting the children's faces white" because of the "controversy" may not be such a wondrous idea after all. Could be because of all the other people, like the millions of Americans who live outside the whites-only clusterf*ck town of Prescott outraged by this insane wingnut demand that the brown kids be "lightened" (a la Michael Jackson?) and descended on the town to protest this racist hysteria, which made the principal think, eh, on second thought, the mural would stay as it is, and that he was wrong. The End.

Oh wait! There's another glimmer of light coming from the scorched desert wasteland known as Prescott.

Vile, talk show creep and Prescott City councilman Steve Blair has been fired from his local-wingnut KYCA talk-show after bringing shame and humiliation on the town for screaming at paintings of elementary school children for being the wrong color, i.e., not pasty pale or the beautiful color of skim milk.

Guess even in good ol' Arizona, there is a limit to how unabashedly racist, unhinged, and hate-mongering local radio personalities can be.

But will Prescott give Blair the boot as town councilman too, or do their limits on repulsive Grand KKK wizards not extend to their local elected public officials? Perhaps they just love hateful sacks of children-bashers who crusade against colored 10-year-olds too much?!?

In 2010 Aryanzona, that sounds about right, err, white!

Teabaggers Launch Brilliant Counter BUYcott To Show Their Support For Aryanzona's New 'Bye, Bye Brown People' Law

Over the weekend, obese, greasy-haired, middle-aged white men, Ben Franklin-dressed human bags o' caffeinated herbs 'n spice, and assorted other "Jesus Saves" t-shirt wearing, toothless patriots of freedom descended on glorious Aryanzona to show support for the state's new Nazi immigration law, SB-1070, prohibiting brown people from sullying their beautiful parched landscape, by even so much as taking a single, colored breath of Arizona's soon-to-be pure, all white, desert air.

Naturally, among the geniuses behind the 'baggers brilliant new answer to the liberal national Arizona boycott, the lunatic fringe Arizona "BUYcott," is none other than publisher of AZ Tourist News and occasional Grand Wizard of the KKK, Tony Venuti.

You see, Tony over here has his own views on what to do with those gross Mexican (border) jumping beans, putting their grubby paws all over the sparkling U.S. of A, having their way with his young, supple wife and daughters as they stream uncontrollably across the border, and it ain't exactly amnesty or whatever fancy shmancy elitist word them liberals call it.

Because Tony knows the only way to get the no-good criminal Mexicans or "bad hombres" to "get their butts out of town" and "disappear like cockroaches" back to whatever pathetic, third world nation of chocolatey-hued wannabee Americans they came from, is to ID, harass, and if all goes well, discriminate the bejesus out of 'em. That oughtta show 'em who's boss of these parts!

"Let me tell you something, there’s gonna be procession down into the border South when you see a lot of illegal criminals knowing they are going to be compelled to be ID’d or thrown in jail, you’re gonna see them disappear back south like a bunch of cockroaches. Trust me. The other ones that are here, we’re gonna have to deal with them and I don’t know how that’s going to be dealt with. We don’t need to worry about that now."

Fuggedaboutit! We'll figure out some way to get rid of those dumb bastards later. But for now, let's just focus on important matters, like how to make life as uncomfortable as humanly possible for them no-good immigrants already here, so maybe they'll just crawl back over the border on their own, and we don't have to waste precious time and money, roundin' up the whole smelly lot of 'em.

Of course, national boycott aside, “the exodus of illegal and legal immigrants predicted by some as a result of Arizona’s tough new immigration law is expected to hurt a variety of businesses that directly and indirectly cater to immigrant populations.”  In fact, if Tony Venuti's wish came true and all of Arizona’s undocumented immigrants "disappeared," the state could lose $26.4 billion in economic activity, $11.7 billion in gross state product, and approximately 140,324 jobs.

¡Ay, caramba!

But rather than worry about silly things like the actual widespread, disastrous economic effects of Arizona's new ¡Adiós Amigos! law itself, the brilliant bags o' English Breakfast have decided to take their good fight against all things Fernandez down to ol' immigrant epicenter to show those Mexi-lovin', 'Merica hatin', liberal elitists how real white supremacists men will spend their money to save the nation from this spicy, jalapeno invasion.

Unveiled at last month's Woodstock for Wingnuts, "Winning Back America Conference" (from evil, half-black Kenyan presidents?), headlined by such distinguished luminaries as Liz Cheney, Fred Thompson, and $arah Palin, the brilliant BUYcott is the brainchild of St. Louis teabagger, Gina Loudon, whose stated goal is to "render boycotts ineffective."

"The whole idea is to spend money to offset the boycott," Loudon said.

An idea which has fallen just a tad short, considering it is already estimated that Arizona’s fragile tourism (old retirees sportin' Cubs hats?) industry has already lost $6-10 million in cancellations since the SS immigration bill was signed into law.

Boo-hoo?

While opponents of the law, like President Barack Obama (figures!) and every American citizen with a functioning brain, not tea-ready filtered water between their ears, think the bill will lead to racial profiling, discrimination, and unconstitutional violations of individual rights, Loudon knows this is nothing but another one of the Jew-run liberal media's lies to thwart the right-wing's perfectly reasonable attempts to make the USA better, stronger, and safer....for ignorant racist rednecks, and other freedom-loving patriots of white, Christian America.

Loudon claims the law will save officers’ lives while changing little, if at all, of what officers already do to crack down on illegal immigrants.

See a brown, stop a brown??

“The racism card is typical propaganda to incite and drive wedges between groups, which is how liberals get their votes,” Loudon said.

And to think, we simply couldn't have done it without you!

Thanks to your fine handiwork, all the Democrats have to do is sit back, relax, and let the fabulous, freedom-fightin' Teabaggers terrify every non-hood/robe-wearing man or woman in these great United States right back where they belong: Mexico six feet under internment camps the voting booth.

Just where the Dems want 'em!

When Gov. Jan Brewer Said Her Father Died "Fighting The Nazis" She Simply Confused Nazis With Mexicans, An Honest Mistake!

America's fiercest blonde-haired fighter of scary Mexicans, Aryanzona governor Jan Brewer just can't stop shrieking about all the wonderful reasons to round up the state's brown people and kill them ship 'em back to Mexicanland or wherever the hell it is these dark, menacing "things" come from.

But you know what hurts sweet Jan even more than terrible brown people milling about her whites-only state? Being called horrible, MEANY names like Satan, Marilyn Manson, or heaven's forbid, the absolute worst name in the history of insulting names, Hitler's daughter (gasp!).

Well this stings sensitive Miss Brewer more than you can possibly imagine. Deep, searing pain that rips right through her tan-but-not-Mexicanish-tan, desert fried flesh, and pierces straight into her shriveled sun-scorched, still-beating, little heart.

Why, you may wonder?

Ummm, maybe because Jan Brewer knows everything there is to know about being hunted by Nazis simply for being a Jew, Queer, Intellectual, Communist, or other putrid, non-Aryan minority of sin, and her hunting brown people couldn't be any farther from, say the Nazi policy of forced detention followed quickly by forced extermination. They're not even in the same realm, really!

She would know too, considering her father, her brave, warrior father, sacrificed everything to fight the Nazis, on their own dreadful, Jew-nourished, blood-soaked German soil. Hell, he died doing that. This takes real courage!

Almost as much courage as it took St. Jan to make up this wildly audacious lie, which in turn gave the rest of us the courage to proclaim that Jan Brewer deserves to be tied to a post outside the Holocaust Museum and left to rot, while the vultures (not the dirty Mexicans for once!) have their way with her.

Here's what Gov. Jan Brewer told the Arizona Republic: 

"The Nazi comments…they are awful," she said, her voice dropping. "Knowing that my father died fighting the Nazi regime in Germany, that I lost him when I was 11 because of that . . . and then to have them call me Hitler’s daughter. It hurts. It’s ugliness beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.”

Beyond anything she's ever experienced! Or fabricated! Or pulled out of her pasty white Neo-Nazi behind. Because her awesome, fearless father, the one who died braving evil Nazi forces in the heart of Deutschland, actually died a decade after World War II, of lung cancer, and the closest he ever came to "fighting the Nazi regime in Germany" was working in a weapons plant in Nevada during the war.

Nevada, Normandy, is there even a difference?!? All you have to do is substitute Hitler's foot-soldiers with Mexico's field workers and voila! it's Battle of the Bulge all over again!

And since we know upstanding, Republican politicians like Jan Brewer would never lie or exaggerate about how her father, Wilford Drinkwine (no joke...really, that's his name) met his heroic end fighting Nazis in Germany, the only logical conclusion is that the Nazis were actually running the naval munitions factory in Nevada, where Drinkwine worked as a civilian supervisor and "eventually died from the toxic fumes he inhaled there," a decade later in 1955...in California.

Of course! It makes perfect sense...

I almost forgot the Nazi's ultimate secret weapon against the Allies was a powerful, one-two punch of mesothelioma and black lung.

Naturally, Brewer’s press people are saying of course that’s what happened; Brewer very clearly meant that her dad worked in a weapons factory and was on disability afterward for respiratory problems he developed when she said "he died fighting the Nazis."

Just like how my father also sacrificed life and limb to defeat the greatest 20th century threat to humanity.

When he was 8 years-old in 1944, he skinned his knee pretty bad in a schoolyard incident while fighting the Nazi regime in Germany.

On a playground in Chicago's South Side.

$arah Palin's Bringin' Sexy Back To Women By Takin' Sexytime Rights Away From 'Em!

Fearless defender of a pure white America free from gross brown people, and a woman's right to cede control of her own reproductive organs to the evil, federal government, $arah Palin is on a one-woman mission from God.

A divinely-inspired mission which includes a variety of personal incentives for the 'Cuda, like seven-figure paydays, several doctored interviews on the teevee, some awesome ghostwritten speeches from her hand, and of course, many ruined lives and slaughtered carcasses along the way.

Hooray!!

Most recently, $arah's brilliant quest to restore greatness to once-proud America came in the form of defending Aryanzona's awesome new law making it illegal to be a person of suspicious color (brown) while residing in their parched, cacti-dotted desert paradise, unless the chocolatey hue happens to be a temporary side-effect from your two-week vacation somewhere warm 'n exotic, so long as it isn't disgusting Mexico.

Same goes for those hoity-toity, college educated, arugula-eating liberal elitists who suddenly decided to boycott Arizona all because of one little Nazi law that doesn't hurt anybody (or at least not anybody important and white).

"It's time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say, 'We're all Arizonans now,'" Palin said. "And in clear unison we say, 'Mr. President: Do your job. Secure our border.'"

Hear that NObama?

Either you build a 5,000 mile long magical fence that instantly solves all our problems (using no federal funds, of course) or shut your stinkin' trap about "civil rights," "discrimination," and/or the supposed danger of using fear and misinformation to create unconstitutional (White Power?) laws targeting those whose dark hues do not come from fun-and-sun-filled vacays at Club Med.

"Our purpose today is to help the rest of the nation understand the crisis which confronts our state," Jan Brewer said, citing the presence of human and drug smugglers, not to mention those two dingbats running for Senate, crazy old man McCain and that nutjob JD Hayworth ridin' his tail.

The tough immigration law takes effect July 29 and requires police enforcing another law to ask a person about his or her immigration status if there's "reasonable suspicion" that the person is in the country illegally (aka are they wearing a sombrero, maids outfit, holding a leafblower, and/or driving a landscaper truck blasting La Bamba and packed to the gills with darkies?). Naturally, being in the country illegally would become a state crime.

"I think for most American people the reaction to this would be, 'Why haven't the police already been doing that?'" Palin said.

Like, duh!

I mean is it really that hard? Just round up all the browns using the scent of tacos or re-fried beans, a trail of soccer balls, and voila! It's adiós America and ¡Hola! Mexicanland, or wherever it is that human jumping border beans come from.

Both Brewer and Palin refused to say whether they'd support a guest worker program that would allow unskilled workers to temporarily work legally in the United States.

Likely because neither knows what the hell that means but then again, being ignorant and clueless has never really stopped 'em before. They have, however, heard the word unskilled several times. Can't really put their finger on why or where exactly, though...

While President Obama and numerous city, state and foreign governments have condemned Arizona's new SS law, which critics say will lead to racial profiling of Hispanics, Gov. Brewer reiterated her assertion that profiling is illegal and will not be tolerated, despite the entire law being based on this very practice!

"The president apparently considers it a wonderful opportunity to divide people along racial lines for his personal political convenience," Brewer said, apparently confusing herself with a certain current President of the United States. An honest mistake anyone could make!

Arizona Democratic Party spokeswoman Jennifer Johnson said Brewer's the one who has divided people, which she's done by signing controversial bills, and "puts her political survival first every single day."

"Every word she said today was crafted with her Republican primary in mind," Johnson said. "Arizona is just an afterthought."

Kinda like a certain precious miracle of God that rhymes with pig but shall otherwise remain nameless.

Citing her own experiences, Sarah admitted that she understood how some women might consider abortion, like when "for a fleeting moment" she considered having an abortion when she learned of her son Trig's prognosis.

Well thankfully our li'l ice princess soon realized the truth: that abortion is morally wrong and women should carry a fetus to term, no ifs, ands, or buts about it!

"It may not be the easiest path, but it's always the right path," she said.

ALWAYS! FOR EVERYONE! EVERY TIME! WITHOUT EXCEPTION, NO MATTER WHAT!

She did it, now the rest of you are also going to have your babies, whether you like it or not, got it gals?

Ever hear of a little thing called grrrrrl power?

But you betcha keeping gross illegals out of the U.S.of A, and surprise fetuses in the womb, isn't the only issue on $arah's rather large, meat-filled, buffet style plate.

Miss Alaska is also taking her bad, leather jacket sportin' self on the road, across real (rural) America to help elect real, conservative women who know how to field dress a moose (and deadbeat ex-boyfriends of slutty daughters), and restore intelligent, sound policy ideas like drill, baby drill! and live, fetus live! back to elitist ol' Washington, DC.

Palin challenged Republican women, or "mama grizzlies" as she calls 'em to help the GOP "take this country back" by electing lawmakers who want to turn the clock back on rights for anyone who is not a white, male landowner.

"You don't want to mess with moms who are rising up," Palin said. "If you thought pit bulls were tough, you don't want to mess with mama grizzlies."

You betcha, they'll rip your freakin' head clean off your neck! And then toss the delicious remains on the barbie 'cause why else would God make meat?

$arah then read a few more lies from her hand about Obama's health care plan to murder Grandma and special needs babies across America, and had a few choice words for the evil lamestream media for destroying her perfect daughter Bristol's pristine reputation as the knocked-up high school daughter of pure Alaskan royalty.

"Choosing life was the right road, the right choice. ... It hasn't been easy and society, culture sure hasn't been easy on her," Palin said. "Wow, our culture and our media has made it rough on her."

What with all the money and publicity and perks and privileges they so rudely thrust on her, forcing her to be all rich and famous and make videos urging people to pause before having sex and getting an abortion, if their families aren't rich and famous like hers, but instead gross and poor like lots o' other families.

She said some young women would see what happened to Bristol and perhaps be encouraged to seek an abortion instead of facing similar criticism for being a dumb whore who can't keep her hooha zipped up long enough to graduate high school without having to eat for two.

Casting herself as a victim of a liberal media and elite academics, poor, misunderstood $arah said, "Some of them refused to admit I'm even a woman."

Ya know, cause women are usually sweet 'n nice, and don't try to destroy other women who actually use their brains, or don't take advantage of the fact that they too have fertile wombs, ample lactating breasts, and other fun baby makin' parts! 

Perhaps if she put on some lipstick and an apron, we wouldn't be so confused. Or actually helped women do anything other than keep unwanted buns in their ovens, or appear as targets in her election crosshairs to be unseated by real, Republican women who aren't afraid of getting their hands dirty (with oil, baby oil!) or donning a white hood and robe from time to time when shoving more than a few Democratic women out of the way.

America's newest FemiNAZI Sarah Palin knows all about the "new feminist movement" with an “emerging conservative feminist identity” of being both hateful and mindblowingly stupid while collectin' moose piles o' money from the good, God-fearin' folks in small, rural communities throughout the Lower 48.

"I kinda feel a connection to that tough, gun totin’ pioneer feminism," $arah said.

"For far too long, when people heard the word feminist, they thought of the faculty lounge at some East Coast woman’s college," she said.

Which everyone knows is really just code for big ol' man-hating dykes. 

“And no offense to them, they have their opinions and their voice and God bless ‘em, that’s great, but that’s not the only voice of women in America.”

There's the shrill, ignorant, semi-educated voices too! What about them, huh?

Of course, some of the pioneering feminists in Democratic politics (ahem, Lesbos) aren't as enamored of sweet Sarah or her unique brand of fosterin' women's rights by slowly dissolving them for personal political gain. Not to mention monetary!

“She tries to have it both ways,” said former Rep. Patricia Schroeder (D-Colo.), who made a brief run for president in 1987. “If you remember when she first got the vice president nomination she talked about reaching out to Geraldine Ferraro, trying to tie herself into that legacy. Now she’s going to go get blood on her teeth, go out there and growl at them.”

What else would you expect mama grizzlies to do? Rub and cuddle and sing soft lullabies?

“Those women have been out there making the hard decisions for the country and she decided to bail rather than make those hard decisions,” she added, referring to Palin’s decision to resign as governor of Alaska before the end of her term.

Well, excuuuuuuse her for having a Facebook page to run! Ugh, silly women and their jealousy!

Another Democratic trailblazer, former Rep. Elizabeth Holtzman (D-N.Y.), who is currently running for state attorney general in New York, says Palin’s targeting of other women is particularly egregious because of how she landed on the national stage.

“She was elected, she was promoted, she was given the opportunity to run for vice president because she was a woman. Somewhere inside, there should be something that says, ‘don’t kick them in the teeth, don’t look down on other women,’” said Holtzman.

Unless that something happens to be a li'l bundle of joy, I'm afraid Miss Palin lacks that particular quality known as empathy of which you speak.
 
“It certainly doesn’t help the cause of trying to get more women in Congress now, because I think as a whole I think we do a good job of working together, the women members,” Rep. Betsy Markey (D-Colo.) told POLITICO.

“What Sarah Palin is doing simply doesn’t promote the idea that as women we all work together, whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican.”

Unless you mean working together to deny people rights. Because no one cooperates quite like sweet $arah when it comes to dividing people or duping the public into one big, Get $arah Rich Quick scheme.

According to Marjorie Dannenfelser, president of the Susan B. Anthony List, a group dedicated to electing women who oppose abortion rights, "The fact that women feel a little bit more likely now to be able to look feminine...is a great thing, because it means that at least we’re not trying to be the same people anymore. We know that we’re different, we know that we’re equal."

'Cept when it comes to the color of our skin (brown ladies scram!), having control over our own bodies (father knows best!), or in the wonderwoman from Wasilla's case, an IQ functioning above the level of a wanderin', five-colleges-in-five-years drifter with no skills to speak of other than squeezing out almost as much cold, hard cash from the American people as warm, soft miracles from her still-smokin' hot bod.

Welcome to the new Feminist Mystique, Mama Grizzly style!

"Complete The Danged Fence," So John McCain Can Keep The Mexicans Out & Himself In The Senate

After losing whatever semblance of a sane mind still remained in the ol' tank, due to a powerful combination of both the scorching desert heat and a horseback riding nutjob gunning for the old man's senate seat, John McCain suddenly realized there's really nowhere farther to fall once you've reached rock bottom.

Which can be so freeing! Because now old man McCain can do whatever his li'l cold heart desires, without having to worry about silly things like consequences. A win-win situation for everyone! Err, except those damn Mexicans, but who really cares about them anyway?

Certainly not Johnny! Or at least not since 2008, when he traded his soul for something much better than any dumb, gross immigrant--the chance to lose the White House with a sexy moose huntin' mama from Alaska, whose killer ability to wink makes up for her killer inability to speak coherent sentences on, umm, anything ('cept killin' moose of course!).

So now that Johnny's free as a bird from any and all expectations of possessing even the slightest bit of morals or integrity, the original maverick-turned-running joke can flip-flip like a hooked fish, senile old man, the devil himself, or whatever it takes to win, baby win!

Even star in his own, god-awful, desperate campaign ad titled, "Complete The Danged Fence," where he pretends to be a nice, sane old man having a normal, everyday "conversation" with a sheriff, while casually strolling through the desert, about what the hell to do with those darn border-hoppers infesting the once proud, once beautiful, once-white desert of Arizona.

That way, he can prove to the concerned white pointed hat and matching robe wearing citizens back home that he is not in any way, shape, or form some arugula-eating, Mexican-lovin' softy who wants to create a pathway to citizenship for even a single one of the no-good stinkin' Mexican jumping beans hoppin' every which way, 'til every last one of 'em ends up rapin' and killin' in the white man's state of Aryanzona.

No sir-ee!

Instead, he gets to wear an awesome NAVY hat (to show the world he means business and maybe remind the folks 'bout those few years spent in a Vietnamese prison, for freedom!), while having a hairless sheriff (so you know you can trust him) pretend his plan to "complete the danged fence" is the most brilliant solution to immigration since the Final Solution figured out how to finally rid Europe of those pesky Jews.

Then, to really seal the deal, Mr. Clean, the sheriff, can look you, John S. McCain, straight in the eye and proudly declare, "Senator, you're one of us."

And you can die happy and fulfilled, knowing that you too are a paranoid, racist old coot with no backbone, and even less principles.

In other words, the esteemed living fossil and still-proud GOP senator from the newly-gated, parched desert retirement community known as Arizona.

But you can just call it by its new name, Guantánamo.

Más o menos.

Sí, Se Puede Race-Bait To Win!

Boycotting Arizona Is Easier Than Uno, Dos, Tres!

Welcome, America to the newest member of the Wild, Wild West, everyone's favorite Mexican' hatin', trashy wasteland of parched desert, crumbling business, and misguided legislation, the lighter, purer, swastika peppered land of Aryanzona! Yay!

But just in case you're one of those hoity-toity, arugula eating liberals who just hates it when dumb, sparsely populated states (nobody usually gives two minutes of thought) enacts terrible racist legislation targeting half the population who works in said hellhole of dry heat, John McCain, and hibernating old retirees, fear not my friends, because there is something you can do while all nice 'n cozy in your elitist Blue state where the Constitution actually means something other than grab your guns to drive out dem stinkin' brown people!

So, you're feeling a little like San Francisco (minus the gay and Asiany parts), and would too like to protest Arizona's stupid, hastily-written Gestapo immigration law by boycotting the whole racist, refried-bean state of Barry Goldwater and the entire McCain family, including traitor daughter Meg, who now lives a life of sin in NYC, and doesn't even support discriminating against illegals and/or non-illegals who look like they might be terrible illegals (gasp!).

Well, if you can live without P.F. Chang's, Sky Mall, GoDaddy, or any other of the other consumer blights on American society operating out of the white supremacist state of Arizona, then you are luckier than a Mexican who happens to be carrying his birth certificate when indiscriminately pulled over and harassed by the local posse of gun-totin' law enforcers while attempting to do everyday activities like walk outside.

No, this shouldn't be too bad at all. After all, most of the nation has been boycotting Arizona for years (without even knowing it), since no one other than fat, retired, white people wearing Cubs hats even thinks about moving there anyway, and most of the "big-name" businesses there do nothing but reinforce the nation's reputation as a red, white, 'n blue, foul-mouthed, materialistic, money-obsessed nation of heart attack victims to be.

Like seriously people, a Marshmallow Shooter?? I mean what does it say about a nation whose inhabitants are willing to spend actual money (not even chickens!) to buy a device solely for the purpose of shooting "sweet, edible miniature marshmallows 30 ft in the air?"

Perhaps someone had one too many mini bottles of Absolut Citron during their last, cramped cross-country, economy class voyage 30,000 ft above sea level?

But either way, if you can live without Danica Patrick's lightly veiled porno/domain-name registration site, GoDaddy, or the idea that freezing your dead carcass will somehow make you magically come back to life once unthawed, a la Alcor Life Extension Foundation, you should be able to put the Kibosh on the Nazi regime currently running Arizona, with relative ease.

Of course, there is the slight problem of that one world-famous national park called the Grand Canyon, which shouldn't have to suffer all because it happens to be eternally stuck in the terrifying Wingnut land of Aryanzona.

But how in the name of sweet Jesus can one still enjoy this breathtaking geological wonder without dropping a dime in dingbat Arizona?

Well, that's simple enough!

You want to see a timeless geological wonder, billions of years in the making, a living fossil , formed, shaped, and pounded by forces beyond its control, weathered by the elements carving away at its structure, succumbing to the ravages of pressure and time over millions of years, to form the craggy, rough, precipitous, worn-down link to the ancient world and awe-inspiring testament to our planet's violent, fiery past??

Just pay a quick visit to any one of the 218 Republicans currently serving in Congress.

It's basically the same dizzying, age-defying experience.

Or if you're feeling really adventurous, you can always head to one of the lovely desert national parks in hippie dippie, Constitutional abiding California, where even the Mayor's a terrible Mexican, everyone's free to do whatever they want (except gay marry each other), and visiting the myriad natural wonders within its vast confines won't automatically help send José and Jorge back to Juarez faster than you can say ¡Ay, caramba!

¿Comprende?

Arizona, Proudly Scaring The Bejesus Out Of America Since 1912

America's lovely parched desert landscape of cacti and Gila monsters (no, not that otherworldly beast pictured above), plus plentiful racist, Mexican-hating wingnuts have helped make Arizona the majestic, Big-Government dependent, scorched used tire outlet, we Americans, know and love so well.

Throw in that confused old man who blessed the public with some lipstick wearing maverick pig before officially checking out of the rough road known as reality, en route to staving off some initialed-madman on horseback gunning for his senate seat. Add a dash of racist intolerance, a creeping fear of change, a pinch of immigrant hysteria, sprinkle in some racial profiling and discrimination, some birthers here, a few minutemen there, and you my friend have all the ingredients for the delicious new Alabama of the West, Aryanzona, the purest state since all the immigrant workers fled for greener pastures where there's still actual jobs and rule of law, not roving gangs of trigger-happy cops leading pogroms against Mexicans in the streets.

First, there is the not-at-all unconstitutional measure passed by the state legislature that would require police to stop anyone suspected of being an illegal immigrant. Meaning if you happen to live in Arizona, your skin is brown (or any color not snowflake white) and/or you have that whole "immigrant" look about you, you will be mercilessly harassed by lunatic cops on horses demanding your proof of residency before roundin' the whole family up and shipping 'em off someplace else where they take more kindly to foreign invaders who are fundamentally integral to the health of the economy.

"The Arizona Legislature has just stepped off the deep end of the immigration debate, passing a harsh and mean-spirited bill that would do little to stop illegal immigration. What it would do is lead to more racial profiling, hobble local law enforcement, and open government agencies to frivolous, politically driven lawsuits."

"The bill is a grab bag of measures to enlist law enforcement and government at every level to expose and expel the undocumented. Opponents say it verges on a police state, which sounds overblown until you read it."

"It would make not having immigration documents a new state misdemeanor, and allow officers to arrest anyone who could not immediately prove they were here legally. That means if you are brown-skinned and leave home without a wallet, you are in trouble."

Ooooh, sounds fun! If I ever want to give the kiddies a lesson about the good ol' days living in Hitler's Germany, I'll just gather the fam, pack into the old station wagon and head out west to show the li'l youngins how delightfully fun and full o' surprises living in a Gestapo-run police state really can be!

"The lunacy of rounding up people because they look a certain way, or are suspected of being in violation of immigration statutes, can only lead to one thing – violations of people's basic, fundamental civil rights. Profiling," Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) said.

Isn't that the point, Lou?

But supporters of the Arizona legislation, like the bill's primary sponsor, and advocate of 1950s deportation programs like "Operation Wetback," Republican State Sen. Russell Pearce, say it would give police the tools they need to combat violent crimes committed by illegal immigrants.

"Illegal is not a race, it's a crime," Pearce said.

Ignorance, on the other hand, is still legal in all 50 states.

"In the end, it all comes back to the president of the United States and whether he will put his back into comprehensive immigration reform," Gutierrez added.

Ummm, yeah that is if President Obama could actually go into Arizona without being swarmed by unhinged cops and militiamen seeing his chocolate-y hue, and immediately demanding his birth certificate and/or proof of citizenship.

Fresh off the heels of their new "Mexicans No Welcome" bill, Arizona's enlightened House of Representatives passed another measure requiring candidates for the U.S. presidency to provide their birth certificate to the Arizona secretary of state.

Which is obviously aimed at Mittens Romney (or whichever Republican candidate wins the chance to lose another election), not any particular half-black, secret Muslim from Kenya currently in the White House who will be running again in 2012.

"The Arizona House on Monday voted for a provision that would require President Barack Obama to show his birth certificate if he hopes to be on the state’s ballot when he runs for reelection. The House voted 31-22 to add the provision to a separate bill. The measure still faces a formal vote."

"It would require U.S. presidential candidates who want to appear on the ballot in Arizona to submit documents proving they meet the constitutional requirements to be president."

The Arizona Capitol Times reports:

Rep. Kyrsten Sinema, a Phoenix Democrat who voted against the measure, said the bill is one of several measures that are making Arizona "the laughing stock of the nation...I am ashamed that this is even a topic of discussion."

Oh Kyrsten, there's nothing to be ashamed of! We're used to these sorts of ass-backwards attempts "to take back the country" from Negroes, Mexicans, and other undesirables stealin' America from the poor, disenfranchised white man, courtesy of the great state of Arizona. I mean we are talking about the same state that refused to honor Martin Luther King Jr., with a federal holiday because what the hell did he even do anyway?

So the man gave a few good speeches about having dreams...well so did Sarah Palin (even if her dreams were about drillin' baby drillin' for oil in every protected wildlife reserve in Alaska, for equality), and you don't see the whole country trying to honor her with a federal holiday, now do you?

So stop slacking Arizona!

Why stop now? Hopefully, Republican Governor Jan Brewer will stop dillydallying and sign the soon-to-be "Birther Bill" and Nazi anti-immigrant law already sitting on her antique mahogany desk, so the Grand Canyon State can once again seal its fate as the stupidest, most bigoted state in all our precious union.

And John McCain can resume his favorite role terrifying the nation's kiddies and dumbfounding the scientific community as to what the hell kind of grotesque species of God knows what, has the ability to morph from a one-time defender of brown people, into a semi-coherent, slightly senile, Mexican-hatin' Senator who traded his soul for a chance to ride the Sarah Palin Maverick Express straight into eternal damnation, brimstone and hellfire.

With a quick pit stop in Washington, DC, first.