Uh-Oh, Could The Ponzi Scheme Known As $arah Palin's Speech Scam 'cross Real America Be Finished?

Oh no-zees! All $arah Palin wanted to do was take a much-needed break from her hectic life giving slightly different versions of the same dumb campaign speech at various conventions, trade shows, and wingnut rallies for oodles of delicious cold, hard cash, and head back home to relax with the fam at her lakeside abode in the abandoned meth lab known as Wasilla.

Apparently, the overweight middle-aged white men dressed like 18th century patriots, anti-choice femiNAZIS, and human bags o' tea comprising Palin's relatively small fan base—like maybe 2 million dumb people in a nation of 300 million or so—have already spent all the money they have to spend on her idiot shenanigans and hypocritical embrace of the arugula-eating elitist celebrity lifestyle, forcing the one-woman Ponzi scheme called $arah Palin to head North for a little R&R, a few Facebook posts if we're really lucky, and who knows, maybe even brush up on her trademark nonsense-spewing ability that comes at the bargain basement rate of six (totally worth it!) figures a pop.

Like her latest total assault on the senses during a disastrous speech at a commercial real estate conference in Las Vegas. According to the Dirt Lawyer Blog:

"Speaking of disappointment, let’s talk about the keynote address from Sarah Palin. In short, it was a standard stump speech with a few superficial comments about shopping centers and retail real estate. It was awful and a borderline train wreck in my opinion. All Palin had to do was add in a paragraph about the pending disaster of carried interest and she would have not only won over the crowd but gotten significant fundraiser cash from the industry if she runs in 2012. As it stands, I do not know if she knows what carried interest is."

Ummm, does it have anything to do with carrying funds into her bank account or carrying a freshly killed carcass back from the hunt? If not, the answer is no, she does not know, care, or feign even the slightest interest, capisce?

Ugh, why does Sarah Palin hate the nation’s commercial real estate owners and developers? Does she simply hate business, capitalism, and thus, the entire United States of America?

One thing she does care about however, is that terrible creep writer Joe McGinniss who moseyed into the house next door to move closer to his favoritest subject, the famed Arctic grifter $arah Louise Palin!

Well, $arah's not about to take this hideous intruder sitting down, unless she happens to be in front of a computer with speedy Internet access and the ability to quickly get on her personal website for communicating with the adoring masses, Facebook.

"Upon my family's return this morning from endorsement rallies and speeches in the Lower 48 states, I finally got the chance to tackle my garden and lawn this evening! ... Needless to say, our outdoor adventure ended quickly after Todd went to introduce himself to the stranger who was peering in..."

What, what, what!? Levi's budding porn career is over already??

"Joe announced to Todd that he's moved in right next door to us. He's rented the place for the next five months or so. He moved up all the way from Massachusetts to live right next to us - while he writes a book about me."

Whoa, Joe Biden moved to Alaska to pen a book about the 'cuda? Does Obama know about this? Gee, I guess Barry really meant it when he said something has to be done about that guy and his big f-ing mouth.

"Yes, that Joe McGinniss..."

Oooooh, that Joe!

"Here he is about 15 feet away on the neighbor's rented deck overlooking my children's play area and my kitchen window...Maybe we'll welcome him with a homemade blueberry pie tomorrow so he'll know how friendly Alaskans are."

Especially when that friendly pie comes laced with arsenic, a handwritten note (no, not on her hand, silly!), and glass shards baked right into that sweet gooey blueberry goodness and buttery, flaky deliciousness.

"We're sure to have a doozey to look forward to with this treasure he's penning. Wonder what kind of material he'll gather while overlooking Piper's bedroom, my little garden, and the family's swimming hole?"

Ooooh, hopefully it will be even a fraction of the 432-page treasure she bestowed upon the world in the form of Goin' Rogue.

McGinniss, who is renting the place "for the next five months or so," is the famed author of "Going to Extremes," a classic book about Alaska, with his current work-in-progress returning him to the 49th state to examine Sarah Palin's significance as both a political and cultural phenomenon and as an embodiment of the contradictory forces that shaped Alaska as it moved into its second half-century of statehood."

Like a pig in lipstick? Or a maverick hockey mom who wants to drill, baby drill! for oil up 'n down the Arctic shelf to save the whales and help the environment get used to luxurious petroleum baths? That way, the fisherman and other Alaskans whose livelihoods depend on the ocean can take the Bridge to Nowhere to find new, pristine marine expanses where the seals and sea lions don't come floating upside down to the beautiful, oil glistened surface.

Although emails and phone calls were not immediately returned, a statement from McGinniss' publishing house Broadway Books (ugh, elitists!) said, "Well regarded for his in-depth, up-close reporting, Mr. McGinniss will be highly respectful of his subject's privacy as he investigates her public activities."

For her part, Palin has promised to ensure that privacy. 

"And you know what they say about 'fences make for good neighbors'? Well, we'll get started on that tall fence tomorrow."

And who better to call when you need that danged fence completed than her dear old pal, Gramps McCain?
 
But be forewarned, it might take a little jogging of the ol' memory. A couple o' winks, some dropped g's, a few mispronounced words, nonsense cliches 'bout mavericks, and strategically placed "You Betcha's!" oughtta do the trick!

But be careful, lest you wanna fool the old man into thinking it's 2008 all over again. Poor schmuck simply doesn't have any soul left to sell for round two of the never-ending nightmare known as the McCain-Palin trainwreck, err ticket.

Dude barely made it out the first time 'round.

"Complete The Danged Fence," So John McCain Can Keep The Mexicans Out & Himself In The Senate

After losing whatever semblance of a sane mind still remained in the ol' tank, due to a powerful combination of both the scorching desert heat and a horseback riding nutjob gunning for the old man's senate seat, John McCain suddenly realized there's really nowhere farther to fall once you've reached rock bottom.

Which can be so freeing! Because now old man McCain can do whatever his li'l cold heart desires, without having to worry about silly things like consequences. A win-win situation for everyone! Err, except those damn Mexicans, but who really cares about them anyway?

Certainly not Johnny! Or at least not since 2008, when he traded his soul for something much better than any dumb, gross immigrant--the chance to lose the White House with a sexy moose huntin' mama from Alaska, whose killer ability to wink makes up for her killer inability to speak coherent sentences on, umm, anything ('cept killin' moose of course!).

So now that Johnny's free as a bird from any and all expectations of possessing even the slightest bit of morals or integrity, the original maverick-turned-running joke can flip-flip like a hooked fish, senile old man, the devil himself, or whatever it takes to win, baby win!

Even star in his own, god-awful, desperate campaign ad titled, "Complete The Danged Fence," where he pretends to be a nice, sane old man having a normal, everyday "conversation" with a sheriff, while casually strolling through the desert, about what the hell to do with those darn border-hoppers infesting the once proud, once beautiful, once-white desert of Arizona.

That way, he can prove to the concerned white pointed hat and matching robe wearing citizens back home that he is not in any way, shape, or form some arugula-eating, Mexican-lovin' softy who wants to create a pathway to citizenship for even a single one of the no-good stinkin' Mexican jumping beans hoppin' every which way, 'til every last one of 'em ends up rapin' and killin' in the white man's state of Aryanzona.

No sir-ee!

Instead, he gets to wear an awesome NAVY hat (to show the world he means business and maybe remind the folks 'bout those few years spent in a Vietnamese prison, for freedom!), while having a hairless sheriff (so you know you can trust him) pretend his plan to "complete the danged fence" is the most brilliant solution to immigration since the Final Solution figured out how to finally rid Europe of those pesky Jews.

Then, to really seal the deal, Mr. Clean, the sheriff, can look you, John S. McCain, straight in the eye and proudly declare, "Senator, you're one of us."

And you can die happy and fulfilled, knowing that you too are a paranoid, racist old coot with no backbone, and even less principles.

In other words, the esteemed living fossil and still-proud GOP senator from the newly-gated, parched desert retirement community known as Arizona.

But you can just call it by its new name, Guantánamo.

Más o menos.

Sí, Se Puede Race-Bait To Win!

John McCain's So Maverick, He Doesn't Even Remember If He Is One!

Oh no-zees! Between the scorching desert heat and the toll that comes with selling your soul to the highest bidder (Cindy, Satan, what's the difference?) while trying to fend off a horseback riding hell-raiser by the initials J.D. Hayworth, John McCain can hardly remember anything these days, let alone his actual media-given name, John "Maverick" McCain, for literally giving definition to the word.

But if the John McCain of POW fame we've known for the last oh, two decades or so, isn't the real John McCain, then the real John McCain must just be some desperate, old coot who got lost in Washington some 30 years ago while running out to the nearest CVS to get a hot compress for his back, who keeps telling people he's a Senator from Arizona so no one will know the shameful truth that is his decaying, plaque-ravaged mind.

Many of the GOP's most faithful, the kind who vote in primaries despite 115-degree heat (and still manage to strap on extra ammo clips), tired long ago of McCain the Maverick, the man who had crossed the aisle to work with Democrats on issues like immigration reform, global warming, and restricting campaign contributions. "Maverick" is a mantle McCain no longer claims; in fact, he now denies he ever was one. "I never considered myself a maverick," he told me.

And you know what else?

Larry Craig is a strapping, young heterosexual, Michael Steele is a competent leader, John Boehner's tan is natural, Sarah Palin is capable of running more than just marathons (without quitting first), and Rudy Giuliani's entire existence will no longer be based on a single, fateful moment in September 2001, when two planes randomly crashed into two towers in one city which he just so happened to be in charge of at the time. The End.

"The fundamentals of my character were formed a long, long time ago under sometimes difficult circumstances," McCain said. "I'm not going to fundamentally change."

Yes, he will fundamentally still be a carbon-based sentient being, with a hair-trigger temper and an uncanny knack for saying mindblowingly stupid things at the absolute most inappropriate times.

Like assuring the "economy is fundamentally sound" on the exact same day the financial system suffered the same horrible downward trajectory as his career and sanity.

Awkward? Ha ha, only if you remember it, my friends!

What Do You Do When You're Old, Desperate, Confused, & Have An Election To Win? Call 1-800-Sarah!

Oh Walnuts! He's so frail and confused now that he's done EVERYTHING he possibly could to win the hearts and minds of rightwing nutjobs, and still finds himself in grave danger of getting the ol' heave ho courtesy of an initial named madman who goes by the letters J.D. Hayworth. Poor Gramps. Life can be so unfair sometimes!

So Johnny did what any maverick with his back against the wall would do: called in for reinforcement. Black leather clad, cleavage exposing rogue reinforcement, that is.

Oh, you betcha!

Isn't it great? All Johnny Mac has to do now is stand awkwardly to the side, grin uncomfortably, occasionally clap his hands like a demented robot monkey (minus the cymbals), and let the Barracuda do her thang, revving up the crowd with her trademark inappropriately-inflected speech about goin' old school by writin' stuff on her hand, 'stead of using some "lamestream" media TELLYprompter thingamajig like some illegal black presidential tyrants who may or may not be Hitler.

But one thing Sarah sure knows, is this go-around, Gramps isn't going home the sad sack, out-of-touch, loser who sold his soul and was left with nothing but a lame "I'm with Stupid Sarah" t-shirt.

But Lord knows anything's better than having to run around with that insufferable shrew Cindy. Even if that 'anything' happens to be a pig in lipstick with less sense than the senile old gamblin' man who thought it would be a really good idea to bet the whole House (White, that is) on an unknown Alaskan with a mean wink and mean IQ on par with the magical scrolling machine she's always talkin' 'bout!

Either way, the reunion of America's favoritest dynamic duo of dysfunction and double standards could only mean one thing: Gramps' got an election to win (or lose), and nothing, come hell, high water, or HAYWORTH, is gonna get between him and his senate seat, God damn it!

As one former adviser put it, "He is single-mindedly focused on destroying Hayworth and hates his guts and believes Palin will help him do that."

After all, the woman's gotta knack for destruction. ;) And mama always said, everyone's got something they can do well!

Sarah Palin's Asinine Mouthpiece Meg Stapleton Shows She Can Quit Like A Maverick, Too!

NOOOOOOO!!!! Say it ain't so, please, say it ain't so! Not Meg Stapleton, THE MEG STAPLETON, of Sarah Palin superloyal spokeswoman fame.

Of all the brilliant aides who could have quit the PR disaster known as the great Sarah Palin experiment, it had to be world-famous bearer of bad news and trusted Palin confidante, Meg Stapleton, loyally concocting terrible excuses since December 2006!

Now who will be there to write Sarah's very angry posts on her favoritest Facebook whenever some terrible liberal who, unlike Rush Limbaugh, is not an expert on satire and thus has no business to ever utter the word "Retard" because Sarah Palin owns it. Forever. Trig gave it to her.

Stapleton, who has been Palin's right-hand woman and among her most trusted advisers since being unleashed upon the unsuspecting world as part of Gramps McCain's Faustian bargain to win the White House in exchange for his soul, is apparently following in her boss's footsteps, abruptly quitting so she can focus on things like "ice skating and skiing" and "spending more time with her family," who apparently have meant nothing to her for the last 4 or so years.

"While it has been an honor to help Gov. Palin and her family over the last few years, I am also honored to have this incredible opportunity to stay home with my precious miracle, Isabella," Stapleton said.

Oh so now everyone's kid is a precious miracle? Hmmm, have fun explaining to li'l Trigger why he has to share being all precious and miraculous with some cooties-infected Latina-sounding chick named Isabella!

"At 2 years old, I have missed significant moments in her life, but I look forward with great happiness to celebrating milestones as well as mundane moments with her as I refocus my priorities. I also look forward to seeing my saint-of-a-husband again, too!"

WHOA WHOA, okay, calm down Meg. We get it. You literally cannot wait another second to get the hell away from that crazy Alaskan hell-woman and into the strong, burly arms of your very own patron saint hubby, Saint Francis of Assisi Stapleton.

"While I had hoped to work together on so many more projects, time with my precious 2-year-old has been further minimized with the whirlwind commitments of all things Palin," she said. "I have done my best to scale back, but Isabella is now resorting to hiding my BlackBerry, and she shouldn't grow up begging for a mother to start acting like a mother.”

I mean we all know how Bristol turned out...

"Meg has been deeply involved in all things Palin and instrumental in Sarah's many successes,” Fred Malek, a prominent Republican fundraiser and Palin friend, told POLITICO. "It's hard to replace anyone so loyal, tireless and effective, but the Palin phenomenon will continue. Meg has surely earned the privilege to devote more time to her 2-year-old daughter, but I expect she will continue to render advice to her good friend on key issues."

Oooooh, we hope so! Otherwise, how will Sarah ever know how to lie, cheat and distort reality to make herself look like she actually knows where the hell Africa is or what the hell she means by the "health care that's necessary to shore up the economy because it's all about job creation" other than baby Trigger doesn't stand a chance against NObama's death squads?

Or even how to yell at former baby daddy's on social networking sites using ironic quotes like "precious miracle" or "blessed little angel" all while going rogue on liberal elitist teleprompters, relying instead on the power of her unshakable faith in the Almighty to guide her.

To the nearest convenience store to pick up a pack of ballpoints so she can scribble nonsense on the palm of her hand like Jesus instructed.

There's Only One Version Of History John McCain Follows: His Own!

It ain't easy being Gramps McCain. As if trying to turn into a bag of Earl Gray in order to defeat some insane, initial-named birther, J.D. Hayworth, isn't hard enough, Johnny has the unfortunate task of doing it all while fighting a losing battle with dementia, and a daughter and trophy wife who simply will not stop getting bound and gagged for gays. Oh, Walnuts!

And still, John McCain thinks denouncing birthers will win him a Republican primary. Which it won't, but hey, it's still a better strategy than pretending everyone else suffers from the same mind tricks, selective memory problems, misfiring synapses, and plaque build-up apparently ravaging his 73-year-old brain.

Which helps explain why Sen. John McCain has decided to go maverick on reality, rewriting his own version of history, one which makes him actually look like he is capable of being more than a washed-up anger ball whose claim to fame was languishing in a Hanoi prison camp after accidentally crashing his plane deep in enemy territory nearly half a century ago.

Like how he never suspended his presidential campaign to address the 2008 financial crisis, but if he did it was only because President George W. Bush called and forced him to because his sage wisdom was the only thing that could save America from total financial calamity.

Saying a worldwide economic catastrophe was imminent and that he needed his help, McCain said Bush called him in off the campaign trail, "I don't know of any American, when the president of the United States calls you and tells you something like that, who wouldn't respond," McCain said. "And I came back and tried to sit down and work with Republicans and say, 'What can we do?' "

And that's not it either! Did you know that Barack Obama was so jealous of McCain's brilliant decision to suspend his campaign that he stole the idea and also temporarily suspended his campaign in a cheap ploy to avoid debating such an exciting, charismatic orator with as much mass appeal as Johnny Mac Daddy on prime-time television?

"[Bush] didn't ask me to suspend my campaign," said McCain. "I suspended my campaign -- as did Senator Obama -- to come back to Washington because the President had told me that we were in a world financial collapse. That's why I did what I did. I always said that consistently."

See? He's consistently maintained that Bush asked him to suspend his campaign to help out, until admitting that was actually nothing but a desperate figment of his wild imagination. Of course, the real truth is that Obama DEFINITELY suspended his campaign too, though. He's sure of it. Absolutely positive, in fact. Without a doubt, 100 percent that is what happened. That much he knows is true.

Except for the little fact that Obama never announced he was suspending his campaign when he went to Washington to join McCain, Bush, and congressional leaders, for a White House meeting on the crisis, engineered by McCain himself. Quite the opposite, in fact, with Obama saying he still planned to show up for the presidential debate that Friday, arguing that a president needed to be able to do two things at once.

Of course, when asked whether his memory of events was the same as Gramps over here, Steve Hildebrand, who ran the Obama campaign's field operation, told TPM: "Nope. We proceeded directly ahead, pointing out along the way that McCain was incapable of doing two things at once."

Nonsense! John McCain is perfectly capable of lying about two things simultaneously!

As for his own bizarre, misguided hiatus from campaigning, McCain eventually acknowledged that he may have given the Arizona Republic a different impression about the extent of Bush's role in his decision, saying, "If I mischaracterized it, or misstated, fine. But I have consistently said, ever since the beginning, at the time, that I was coming back because I was told by the President of the United States that we were on the verge of a financial crisis."

And since he was on the verge of a mental crisis himself, his decaying mind figured who better to help steer the country--and his psyche--back on track?

Even if things didn't end up going his way, he could always resort to his backup current strategy of pretending events unfolded the way he would have liked, or at the very least, make sh*t up as he goes along.

Like how he would NEVER would have voted for that terrible, Socialist $700 billion bailout package for the banks if he wasn't tricked by those dirty weasels Henry Paulson and Ben Bernanke into believing the bailout money would help struggling Americans pay for their mortgages, not fat cat Wall Street bankers pay for their gold-and-diamond encrusted pulley-and-lever systems to help them maneuver more efficiently to the vending machines down the hall.

According to the Arizona Republic:

[T]he four-term senator says he was misled by then-Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. McCain said the pair assured him that the $700 billion Troubled Asset Relief Program would focus on what was seen as the cause of the financial crisis, the housing meltdown.

"Obviously, that didn't happen," McCain said. "They decided to stabilize the Wall Street institutions, bail out (insurance giant) AIG, bail out Chrysler, bail out General Motors ... What they figured was that if they stabilized Wall Street -- I guess it was trickle-down economics -- that therefore Main Street would be fine."

God Damn liars! Sure, everyone understood that TARP was focused on stabilizing Wall Street, not directly on the housing market, in order to prevent a total collapse of the financial system. Including John McCain. But what everyone seems to not understand is that was John McCain then, this is John McCain now.

And much like Reality is Reality, and Delusion is Delusion, never the twain shall meet.

Sarah Palin Isn't Just a Genius and a Winner, She's Now a Palm Reader, Too!

Sometimes, sweet Sarah Palin is so mind-blowingly stupid (as in makes George W. Bush look like freakin' Einstein), that it's really no surprise this Wasilla wonder's become the adorable face of that group of misfits and miscreants dumb enough to name themselves after a ridiculous sexual practice, usually limited to frat houses and drunken dares, known as teabaggging.

It's no secret that Sarah plain and small has a habit of saying one thing and doing the complete opposite. It's her bread and butter, her moose and mustard, her buffalo and beer!

Which is to say, she pretty much makes a living off of it (and what a living it is!). $200,000 just to say some nice words about freedom, oil, war, and of course, Jesus, while condemning homos, hippie "green" types, and the socialist meltdown of this country courtesy of a certain (illegal??) "hopey, changey" Kenyan man who may or may not be trying to destroy this bountiful land of freedom and bravery known as the U.S. of A.

Yet, weaved throughout her patriotic speeches about God willing her to run for vice-president and why it's only acceptable to use the term "retard" to describe those whackjob liberals, is a creeping sense that Sarah Palin may be confusing the words maverick and hypocrite. Which is totally understandable considering they're both three syllable words that contain the letters C, E, and I. She's not a wizard, people!

A fact that becomes painfully obvious the moment she opens her perfectly lipsticked mouth and sound waves begin vibrating outward (usually how our sweet Ice Queen gets herself in trouble). This is typically followed by some sort of incoherent rambling only audible to those dressed as our colonial forefathers and/or a present-day greasy-haired secessionist cloaked in some sort of confederate flag attire or a "Jesus Saves" t-shirt.

The same crack-squad of geniuses who cheer wildly, shrieking with delight whenever her highness says some asinine statement about the "health care that's necessary to shore up the economy because it's all about job creation" or what a real Alaskan mama bear brings to swampy, elitist, Mexican-sounding cesspools like the District of Columbia. Certainly a helluva lot more than some "charismatic guy with a teleprompter."

Ha ha dumb Barry! Mr. "Hopey Changey" can't even remember the words to an hour and half speech without having an electric devil contraption scrolling the text to him like some deranged Judas trying to fool the people into thinking he has magic powers.

Well, Sarah isn't gonna pretend she's something she's not (intelligent?) with these hoity-toity, mad scientist machines of sin. Didn't the good Lord instruct us:

"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" (Matthew 6:13).

Let's not forget that evil in the form of electric waves and a projection screen is just as potent as evil in the form of abominations unto the Lord like abortion, homosexuality, adultery, and pre-marital sex for anyone without a bizarrely misleading, faux progressive first name followed by the surname Palin.

Which is why Sarah follows closely the words of her Savior, Jesus Christ, when sitting down for a pre-selected Q&A session (can't have any rogue questions slipping through, now can we?) by literally scribbling notes on her hand as helpful reminders when answering those very tough questions given to her in advance to avoid the very embarrassing debacle she now finds herself in. Again.

After all, who knows better than Sarah that "idle hands are the Devil's playthings?"

That's why it makes perfect sense that moments after criticizing Comrade Barry for having the audacity to use a teleprompter to deliver live televised addresses to the nation, the ol' Barracuda decided to go rogue herself, via what appears to be the old school cheat sheet route--that is unless she randomly decided to get a henna tattoo while promotin' freedom down in Nashville with the words:

• "Energy"
• "Budget cuts"
• "Tax"
• "Lift American spirits"

So is it a big deal that, much like the fifth year senior in your high school English class, Sarah's "prep" strategy is also to draw all over herself in sneaky places everyone notices? Eh, not really.

It's what the common man (or woman) does when he/she can't remember his/her basic core beliefs when asked simple pre-selected questions about said basic core beliefs!

Lots of politicians carry notes with them (or in Palin's case, literally on them). Sorry if she isn't as high maintenance as some terrible, arugula-eating elitist presidents who must rely on evil gadgets to ensure their thousand-word speeches go off without hitch. Sorry, if it's just not her maverick style to do the whole "note card" thing. This folksy Arctic fox prefers to go au natural.

Just remember the brilliant words from her glorious keynote address during the weekend Palin-palooza Teabagger festival.

"To win that war [on terror], we need a commander-in-chief, not a professor."

She's so right! What we need is a cheating student, or better yet, a cheating student without the common sense (she has the dollars and cents) to use a cue card or single sheet of paper.

Yes, what America NEEDS above all else is a leader who draws on herself like a (special needs?) child.

Makes us feel so much better about our dumb, poor, unemployed selves. Oh, you betcha! Wink, Wink.

Palin-Palooza! Fresh Teabagging Fun For All Ages (Not Colors)

Woooohooo!

Pack your bags (tea and otherwise), throw on your colonial best, polish your semi-automatics to a glistening shine, grab the neighbors, and head down to Nashville, Tennessee, folks. It's Tea Time, baby!

And this time, the revolution will be televised. But, hopefully not by the evil, terrible, Obama-loving elitist MSM.

"The mainstream media is the enemy," declared Bob Bunting, a retiree from Hilton Head Island, S.C., attending the convention with his wife, Nancy. "You are for socialism and Barack Obama."

Ah yes, all across the country, Bob Bunting and 1,100 of America's truest patriots, will gather at the Gaylord resort (ironic??) in the famed Music City for a li'l limited-government, low-tax, liberal loathin', gun-totin' fun. Teabag style!

There, the faithful fringe among us will have the distinct privilege of hearing her highness, Sarah Palin, deliver the much-anticipated keynote address, (and maybe, just maybe the opening salvo for her 2012 presidential bid), all for the bargain basement rate of $100,000. Just think about how many teabags that would get you!

"She is the one," said Loren Nelson of Seattle. "And she's gonna do it."

Or is she? The former Alaskan governor and current Empress of Facebook has remained mum on the subject, refusing to say for sure whether she'll be making a White House bid of her own (without Gramps screwing everything up) come 2012. She's so rogue like that.

Everyone knows with talent like hers, it would be "absurd" to not consider a run for president, and a chance to unseat that chocolate-hued menace with his big words and weird Muslim-y name.

"I would (run) if I believe that that is the right thing to do for our country and for the Palin family," she said.

In other words, as long as none of her other unwed teenage daughters have a beautiful, surprise miracle of God for Grandmama! So wrap it up Willow and Piper. One Bristol per family is more than enough for this Alaskan Mama Bear, thank you very much.

"The soul of the Tea Party is the people who belong to it," Palin said. "They have the courage to stand up and speak out...They believe in the same principles that guided my work in public service."

Do they ever! Principles like quitting during your first term as governor and never allowing this precious country to be overtaken by a socialist black man (from Kenya!) who hates white people and doesn't even believe in starting wars for no reason!

A man so dangerous, he wants to provide health care to all Americans, not just rich, white ones who also happen to be pharmaceutical lobbyists. Not even Hitler would've done something this horrifying.

And you can bet your bottom dollar, Hitler never had a chief of staff who ever used the words "fucking retarded." Of course, that's probably because they were already rounded up and sent to the gas chambers, but hey the devil's in the details, right?

Of course, Obama could always change the political dynamic and boost his reelection odds if he took Sarah's sage advice and "played the war card," by declaring war on Iran or bolstering Israel. That Sarah, she's not afraid of nothin'! Russians, Iranians, Iraqis (like there's a difference), bring 'em on! Anything to boost those election chances and save some Israelis in the process (not the Jew ones, silly, just the true Christians).

Distrust of the mainstream media (or MSM as its known to the tea crowd), is one of the main tenets uniting the philosophically diverse, but overwhelmingly white teabagging crowd, who almost universally believe the arugula eating national media have purposefully sullied their good name, portraying them as lunatics, whackjobs, racists, idiots, rednecks, and ignorant white trash--that is when not ignoring them completely.

But Chuck Smith, a 66-year-old retiree from Knoxville who attended the conference, acknowledged that the occasionally extremist rhetoric, combined with the mostly white composition of many tea party crowds make it "easy to paint us as racist or extremist, and I can’t fault the mainstream media for that, but that misses the point."

Smith said reporters "don't understand what’s happening. We're not exclusionary. We're everyday, hard-working Americans fighting back against big government.”

Who just happen to show their love of this country by waving confederate flags, Obama as Hitler signs, and demanding that ObamaCare be buried along with Teddy Kennedy's ol' shriveled bones.

In her 40-minute speech followed by a 15-minute Q&A session pre-selected by organizers (can't afford any Katie Couric like responses, now can we?), tea party hero and Alaskan snow goddess Sarah Palin hit all the right notes, sure to please even the most discriminating teabagger.

Bashing the Obama administration for "treating terrorists like criminals" (instead of rabid dogs?) and for not taking a tougher stance on the war on terror, Sarah had some choice words for the current, smarty-pants president.

"To win that war, we need a commander-in-chief, not a professor," Palin said, receiving one of her many standing ovations. Smart is sooooo out this year.

Accusing the Democrats of going on a wild, out-of-control spending spree, Sarah said, "they're sticking our kids with the bill and that's amoral–that's generational theft."

She even threw in some nice, old fashioned mocking for good measure--a sure-fire way to rev up the crowd.

"How's that hopey, changey stuff working out for you?" she asked, to wild teabagging applause, before driving this baby home with some solid Jesus talk and magic words like "drill, baby drill," and all the other stuff conservatives go nuts for.

Political leaders should "start seeking some divine intervention again in this country, so that we can be safe and secure and prosperous again. To have people involved in government who aren’t afraid to go that route, and also afraid of the political correctness that, you know, they have to be afraid about what the media would say about them if they were to proclaim their reliance on our creator."

What, that they're crazy like a fox? An Alaskan, snow fox?

But, heavens forbid they utter those two most terrible words in the English language: "fucking retard."

Asked by Fox News Host (and supposed ally) Chris Wallace why she demanded that White House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel resign for calling liberal activists "f**king retards," yet declined to ask right-wing talk radio host Rush Limbaugh to apologize for using the same terrible, derisive term on his radio show.

"I didn't hear Rush Limbaugh calling a group of people who he did not agree with 'f*cking retards' and we did know that Rahm Emanuel, it's been reported, did say that. There's a big difference there," said Palin, the de-facto leader of special needs children everywhere.

So true, Sarah! Rush must've been talking about a group he loves dearly and holds close to his (large, overworked) heart when he said,"Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards...I mean these people, these liberal activists, are kooks."

"Should Rush Limbaugh apologize?" Wallace asked.

Ha ha don't be silly, Chris!

"They are kooks so I agree with Rush Limbaugh."

Duh! It's only okay to use the word retarded when referring to dirty, tree-hugging hippies, pussy, kumbaya-chanting pacifists, flamboyant, God-forsaken gay and lesbian rights activists and assorted other special needs persons of the left.

Isn't she just charming? Sure must feel good to be on the right side of God, History, Everything.

Bless her sweet, rogue, occasionally special needs heart.

She's so maverick, even she doesn't know what "f**king retarded" thing she'll say next.

Cindy McCain Shows Her Support For Gays, Tries To Kill Husband In The Process

Much like hubby John and sassy daughter Megs, maverick blood courses thick through Cindy McCain's once pill-addled veins.

Sometimes, this rogue gene manifests itself on the campaign trail in the form of profanity-laced tirades directed at her dear old husband for "ruining her life" and forcing her into the smooth, chiseled, youthful arms of another with those silly presidential shenanigans of his.

Other times, Cindy's inherent need to rebel comes in the form of getting her mouth duct-taped shut for a soft pornography shoot, as the newest, surgically-enhanced face of a pro-gay marriage campaign. Yay!

"Posing with tape over her mouth and a "NOH8" logo on her face, Cindy McCain was photographed for the NOH8 Campaign, which protests Proposition 8, the California proposition passed in 2008 banning same-sex marriage, and currently being challenged in federal court."

Naturally, John is perfectly fine with both beautiful blondes in his life coming out to support the gays by dabbling in some light S&M and thus crushing any remaining shreds of the old man's chances to ever reach the Oval Office.

"The McCains are one of the most well-known Republican families in recent history, and for Mrs. McCain to have reached out to us to offer her support truly means a lot," the NOH8 Website says.

"Aligning yourself with the platform of gay marriage as a Republican still tends to be very stigmatic, but Cindy McCain wanted to participate in the campaign to show people that party doesn't matter - marriage equality isn't a Republican issue any more than it is a Democratic issue."

It is simply an electability issue. Which is why it is to be spoken by no one, but certainly not by anyone with any real presidential aspirations.

In that case, what are you so worried about John? No one is voting for you either way, silly!

But just in case, America is gripped by collective Alzheimer's and forgets all about the great Palin-McCain trainwreck of '08, Johnny Mac over here is hedging his bets on one thing most people will always remember: to discriminate against that one flamboyant and/or flannel clad group of sinners, them fightin' gays.

Ooooh, and maybe just maybe he'll finally be able to ride that senior citizen wave of fear and ignorance into power, where his supreme white male authority as head of house, the White House that is, will finally go unchallenged.

John McCain’s office said in a statement that the Arizona senator respects the views of members of his family but remains opposed to gay marriage.

"Sen. McCain believes the sanctity of marriage is only defined as between one man and one woman."

A loveless, miserable union between one shriveled old man, his much younger, hotter, richer wifey, and whatever strapping young gent she's boning on the side. Just like God intended.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Sarah Palin's So Gifted, She Can Even Say Funny Things Other People Wrote

In a nod to either Fidel Castro (minus the commie red star) or Brittney Spears circa 2005, professional celebrity and book tour legend Sarah Palin took her one-woman act to Washington, DC to appear as the GOP's representative joke-teller at the annual winter Gridiron Dinner. Oh, you betcha!

There the world's most famous losing candidate took a break from the usual incoherent bashing of the elitist media and what's-his-name in the White House to try her hand as the Beltway's newest stand-up comic.

And with dozens of zingers packed into all 11 ½ minutes of her speech, Sarah certainly didn't disappoint.

"Sometimes you just gotta trust your instincts," she said, "and when you don’t, you end up in places like this." But it had some value: "At least now I can put a face to the newspapers I do read." Ha ha, not so perky now, are you Couric?

Palin, whose intelligence has been widely challenged by many in the audience (and in the rest of the country), said she was pleased to appear before such an elite audience of intellectual heavyweights: "Or as I like to call it, a death panel."

But, look on the bright side, if the 2008 presidential election had turned out differently, "I could be the one overseeing the signing of bailout checks and Vice President Biden could be on the road selling his book, 'Going Rogaine.'"

HAHAHAHAHA then he'd be the one making $7 million dollar signing bonuses on a book he pretended to write and she'd be the one solvin' all the world's problems. Ya know by lettin' the people keep their hard-earned money 'stead of havin' to give it all to the big bad government.

While the Gridiron Dinner is typically off-the-record--as with most "Palin" events--the media couldn't stay away from their favorite dysfunctional love-hate relationship and an exception was made to allow coverage of their favorite Alaskan superstar.

"The view is so much better from inside the bus than under it," Palin joked in a swipe at rumored tensions between the running mates on the campaign trail. Aww snap! Who's laughing now, Gramps?

Then Sarah joked about the snow outside—"I'm lovin' the weather—feelin’ right at home" and talked about going out for a jog, "or as Newsweek calls it, a cover shoot."

Palin also revealed some juicy secrets about how she actually considered a different title for her amazing best-selling book: "How to Look Like a Million Bucks for Only $150,000," but that hot snowmobiling hubby Todd thought "The Audacity of the North Slope" sounded better. Not that he knows what it means or anything.

Sarah did find time to chide the evil Washington elite for wanting "Going Rogue" to have an index like a normal book, saying, "if it did, it would start with A for Alaska, and how the media didn’t understand, pages 1-432. B would be for biased media, pages 1-432." LOL! Dumb liberal media who hate Sarah so much that they constantly feel the need to swarm around wherever her maverick life of adventures takes her.

Which reminds her of a funny thing that happened just the other day.

She was looking at a magazine cover of President Obama and Chinese president Hu Jintao during a recent commercial flight when a nearby passenger said, "Hu's the Communist." Pause. "I thought he was asking a question."

Hahahah just kidding, Sarah wouldn't be caught dead flying commercial.

But either way, Sarah once again shined as the shimmering showstopper she is, despite some stiff competition from the Democrats' own sharp-tongued maverick, House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank in all liberal non-dining room table talking self.

Poking fun at politicians' obsession with that adorable new social media site with a cartoon powder blue bird, Twitter, Glitter or whatever you call it.

"Maybe I lack intellectual curiosity," Frank said, "but I'm not that interested in what Claire McCaskill has for lunch."

Maybe that's because you're gay.

"Governor" Palin's Very Important Book Tour Demands Strict Media Guidelines

Famous Alaskan floozy Sarah Palan continued her Going Rogue tour across the Lower 48, thrilling the good folks in small towns and mid-major cities with her wit, charm, and adorable maverick ways.

Next stop on Sarah's whistlestop tour is none other than Minnesota's world famous Mall of America, where our favorite Alaskan snowflake will delight huge "crowds" of ten or so people by sayin' a few words and signin' a few books before tiring of having adoring fans worship her and buy her overpriced, trashy book about how John McCain lost the presidency for her.

Of course, her majesty's exciting arrival in the twin cities also brings with it certain conditions. Especially if you happen to be some hippie dippie tree-hugging member of the liberal mainstream media elite.

For one thing, if you don't speaky the English, kindly get the f out of her face and go back to Arabia or Africa or wherever it is you came from because Sarah's event is for Americans only. Also, no fancy, smart-alec questions, dumb questions or any questions, for that matter, from you journalist whores who are simply jealous of Miss Palin's success because she's so smart and good-looking and can do whatever she puts her little maverick mind to.

What you can do however, is watch Sarah in quiet adulation for ten minutes while she assaults your senses and destroys your faith in humanity. Only then may you proceed to purchase your very own copy of her bestselling, Pulitzer-worthy 432-page testament to herself, Going Rogue!

A list of some of Sarah's totally appropriate media guidelines, courtesy of TV station WCCO of Minneapolis:

For Palin’s appearance at the Mall of America next week we received a list of seven media guidelines, including one stating there can be no foreign press — only English-speaking press and another that said media must address Palin as “Governor.”

The other rules include no interviews — but if the media want one, a request must be submitted to her publicist — plus no microphones, only background sound and pictures and only the first 10 minutes of her appearance can be taped.

Wow. This woman sure is something, isn't she? First she runs around breaking all the rules like some crazed maverick gone wild. And now all of a sudden, she's making laundry lists of arbitrary, asinine demands like insisting everyone call her "Governor" six months AFTER she quit being the governor (in her first term) to get rich selling the trashy lies of a delusional mind to good folks in the real America.

Seriously, when will this woman just lead her freakshow, freedom-lovin' followers into the promised land or off the bridge to nowhere or anything to just go away and leave us sinners, heretics, homosexuals, socialists, and abortionists all to our eternal hellfire burning selves?

Double The Pleasure, Double The Fun, Double The Sarah!?!

Attack of the Clones!

What's the only thing scarier than Sarah Palin? Why, its two Sarah Palins, of course!

But before you start panicking at the sheer thought of not one but two insane Alaskan mavericks Goin' Rogue all over the Lower 48, stay calm, take a deep breath (or ten), and relax for a second, people. Surely, there must be some logical explanation for this parallel Palin universe!

Could this be the new, improved version of the old John McCain campaign trail switch-a-roo classic where some alien version of Miss Thang filled in so people would still come to see the old man mutter about secret Hanoi prisons and that damn Arab Barry while the real Sarah Palin shopped for Prada jackets to give to poor people or whatever it is that rogue VP candidates do with other people's money?

Or is it something more sinister?? Could it be that SARAH's long lost sister FARAH finally decided she, too, would "Go Rogue" and join her twin sis on her magical roller-coaster ride through America after years of wandering around aimlessly, nameless and alone, with no $7 million book deal, hot snowmobiling hubby, or even pesky baby-granddaddy to fight back and forth with in the evil mainstream media.

Maybe, just maybe FARAH's had enough of little miss piggy lipstick over here! Maybe FARAH wants to be the maverick everyone's always talkin' about for once! Maybe FARAH wants to be the one ridin' 'round the country in a giant mobile picture of herself!

Maybe, it's time for FARAH to track down her long lost other half and finally utter those words she's been working on all these years, the sweetest two words in the whole wide world: "I Gotcha!"

Going Rogue: An American Life Or An American Lie?

Goody gumdrops! Sarah Palin's exciting new book of lies and half-truths hits the shelves next week, but for those who can't wait 'til Tuesday to get their memoir on, fear not, excerpts are already trickling out from several news agencies and other sources who've decided to "Go Rogue" and release their advanced copies ahead of schedule. Apparently, arbitrary media "embargoes" mean nothing to these liberal media elites.

But as long as they keep the juicy tidbits about our darling Sarah flowing, can we really complain?

And since they're from the Alaskan ice queen herself, you know they have to be true!

Like what really happened in that disastrous CBS interview with Katie Couric when Sarah couldn't, for the life of her, name a single newspaper she reads--if only to get that nagging broad Katie off her back. I mean the only reason Sarah agreed to do the damn interview in the first place was because she felt sorry for Katie who suffers from terribly low self-esteem. And this is the thanks she gets? By having some dumb, self-hating floozy like Katie badger her with silly questions about what books and periodicals she reads and her opinion on the country's current economic woes. Of all the indignities!

Sarah also tells of the "jaded aura" around McCain's political advisors once she stormed onto the scene. Of course, this had nothing to do with the fact that our fair Alaskan governor didn't know much about anything, including whether or not Africa was a continent (Ya, like that's important for a vice-president), the difference between England and Great Britain (they both speak all weird and Mary Poppins-like?), or basically anything that doesn't have to do with hockey moms and pigs who wear lipstick.

Well excuuuse her for not liking that McCain's snooty senior advisors, like Steve Schmidt and Nicolle Wallace, forced her to "stick with the script" and kept encouraging her to actually prepare for interviews instead of just wingin' it freestyle with adorable winks and truncated action verbs like a real maverick.

Or how they got all angry every time she went a wee bit "off script" to lie about her own accomplishments (there weren't any) or make up crazy stuff about that awful Barry character. I mean, do you want to win or not here people?

Of course, Going Rogue has plenty more about how everything that went wrong is the fault of the dumb McCain campaign since everyone in the whole world (except these idiots apparently) knew who the real superstar was. And it certainly wasn't that old windbag whose campaign she tried to save by finally agreeing to let him be her running mate.

I guess she must've felt sorry for poor Gramps McCain, since he too seemed to be afflicted with the same low self-esteem bug as that pathetic Couric woman.

Come to think of it, that's probably the reason she decided to let Barack Obama win, with his self-esteem already on the skids, it just didn't seem right to rub it in. I mean she already stole the spotlight, did she really need to steal the presidency from him too?

People with high self-esteem don't need to do these kinds of things. They'd much rather quit being governor to write fiction novels about various public figures' self-esteem and work full-time yelling on Facebook at those zero-confidence losers and sad sacks in the media who dare excerpt her book before the official release date.

Jealousy is so unbecoming!

Sarah Palin's Much-Anticipated Assault On Literature Slated For November

Rejoice America! The release date for Sarah Palin's much-anticipated new "book" has been moved up from spring 2010 to Nov. 17 because the world simply cannot wait one another second to devour all 400 wisdom-filled pages from Alaska's sexiest import.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Sarah Palin and her loyal ghostwriter Lynn Vincent, the dynamic duo were able to complete the former governor's new memoir "Going Rogue: An American Life" just four months after the book deal was announced. You betcha!

"Governor Palin has been unbelievably conscientious and hands-on at every stage, investing herself deeply and passionately in this project," said Jonathan Burnham, publisher of Harper. "It's her words, her life, and it's all there in full and fascinating detail."

Well, almost her words. Never mind the fact that not a single page was written by the lovely Miss Palin, but rather by former Navy air-traffic controller and renowned ghostwriter Lynn Vincent of "Donkey Cons: Sex, Crime, and Corruption in the Democratic Party" fame. But then again, a book with nothing but pigs wearing lipstick illustrations interspersed with various truncated action verbs (runnin'/playin'/huntin') to describe a certain maverick superstar from the snowy north with some of the most bad-ass winking skills this side of the Arctic, doesn't exactly sound like an award-winner.

For those of you who were in a coma, on the bridge to nowhere, or living outside the metropolis of Wasilla during the presidential elections, the term "going rogue" is more than just the ingeniously witty title of Sarah's new literary abomination.

It also of course refers to the criticism some McCain adviser used to describe Palin's erratic and potentially destructive behavior during the end of the 2008 campaign when she did whatever she could to seal the old man's fate as a perennial presidential loser--while still advancing her own (political?) career as the maverick reformer who quit governing Alaska to join Facebook full-time.

So, while Sarah's juicy, soon-to-be-released memoir (do I smell Pulitzer?) may be soaring up the bestseller lists, (holding the No. 3 spot on Amazon just behind Glenn Beck's "Arguing with Idiots: How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government") and worth every penny of the $7 million advance she pocketed, her success on the lecture circuit hasn't exactly fared as well.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/28/sarah-palin-memoir-going-_n_302246.html

Aside from the hefty $100,000 fee this small-town values gal from Wasilla demands, many of the major venues are taking a pass on Miss Palin.

"The big lecture buyers in the US are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she is a blithering idiot."

"Palin is so uninteresting to so many groups -- unless they are interested in moose hunting," one industry expert explained. "What does she have to say? She can't even describe what she reads."

That's okay. Thanks to her 432-page war on the written word, we can't either.

Thanks For The Laughs: America Bids Farewell (For Now) To Its Sexiest Maverick

Farewell, my sweet Alaskan princess.

Even though, America has chosen to send you back to your frozen tundra to keep a close eye on Russia, we will always cherish the fine memories you've given us.

Like how there are two Americas, one real and one fake. And how in the real America, you are supposed to shoot defenseless wild animals in their natural habitat while flying overhead in a plane because that is what good, patriotic Americans do.

Or how in the real America, unwed pregnant teenagers keep their unwanted babies and enter forced, loveless marriages out of sheer love for their country.

Yes, I am sure gonna miss my little Alaskan snow bunny with her thigh-high f**k me boots and charming, folksy ways.

You know, the cute things Sarah does.

Like when she doesn't know the answer to a question (which is most of the time), but gives you a little maverick wink anyway. I know, I know, adorable!

But not as adorable as Palin in this precious number, her outfit of choice for both meeting with world leaders and gutting and skinning a fresh kill after a nice, relaxing hunt with the fam.

Trouble In Maverick-Land?

Rumor has it that things have gotten shall we say, a bit awkward, between John McCain and his fave Alaskan gal pal Sarah Palin.

The once-shining star of the McCain-Palin GOP ticket is apparently taking some heat for her role in what increasingly appears to be a doomed presidential campaign.

With all signs pointing towards a likely (and possibly even landslide) Obama victory on Nov. 4, the McCain campaign (and entire Republican Party) is in disarray, scrambling to pick up the pieces of its shattered White House dreams.

Let the finger-pointing begin, my friends!

Frustrated McCain campaign advisers are falling all over themselves trying to figure out how such a compelling, seemingly sure-fire lock for the White House like Gramps McCain, could fail so badly.

Clearly, it's all the dumb Alaskan beauty queen's fault!

Over the last few days, several top McCain advisers have gone on-the-record to call out Sarah Palin for being everything from a "diva" and "whack job" to an incorrigible "rogue" who constantly veers off script and won't listen to anyone.

Shocking.

At this point even the old man has soured on his prized Trophy-Vice, and is pissed the dangerously inexperienced, not-so-bright but-super-good-looking Alaskan nutjob he hardly knew but picked anyway for unscrupulous political gain turned out to be more than he could handle.

Could it be that the Maverick's been out-mavericked?

McCain's Maverick Myth

What happens when a one-time maverick decides to run for President of the United States? For GOP presidential hopeful John McCain, the answer is obvious: The Maverick Must Die!



Let's take a look at the some of McCain's best Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde moments on the campaign trail:

On President Bush's Tax Cuts:

Old McCain: "I cannot in good conscience support a tax cut in which so many of the benefits go to the most fortunate among us at the expense of middle-class Americans who need tax relief," McCain said on being one of two Senate Republicans to vote "no" on Bush's tax cut bill in 2001.

New McCain: "I think it's very important that we make the Bush tax cuts permanent. I voted to make them permanent twice already," McCain said during a 2008 GOP debate in Florida.

On the War In Iraq:

Old McCain: “We will win this conflict. We will win it easily,” McCain told MSNBC in a 2003 interview.

New McCain: "I fully understood from the beginning that Iraq would be a very, very difficult undertaking. It's going to be long and hard and tough,” McCain said during interviews in 2006 and 2007.

Talk about change you can believe in...