John McCain's So Maverick, He Doesn't Even Remember If He Is One!

Oh no-zees! Between the scorching desert heat and the toll that comes with selling your soul to the highest bidder (Cindy, Satan, what's the difference?) while trying to fend off a horseback riding hell-raiser by the initials J.D. Hayworth, John McCain can hardly remember anything these days, let alone his actual media-given name, John "Maverick" McCain, for literally giving definition to the word.

But if the John McCain of POW fame we've known for the last oh, two decades or so, isn't the real John McCain, then the real John McCain must just be some desperate, old coot who got lost in Washington some 30 years ago while running out to the nearest CVS to get a hot compress for his back, who keeps telling people he's a Senator from Arizona so no one will know the shameful truth that is his decaying, plaque-ravaged mind.

Many of the GOP's most faithful, the kind who vote in primaries despite 115-degree heat (and still manage to strap on extra ammo clips), tired long ago of McCain the Maverick, the man who had crossed the aisle to work with Democrats on issues like immigration reform, global warming, and restricting campaign contributions. "Maverick" is a mantle McCain no longer claims; in fact, he now denies he ever was one. "I never considered myself a maverick," he told me.

And you know what else?

Larry Craig is a strapping, young heterosexual, Michael Steele is a competent leader, John Boehner's tan is natural, Sarah Palin is capable of running more than just marathons (without quitting first), and Rudy Giuliani's entire existence will no longer be based on a single, fateful moment in September 2001, when two planes randomly crashed into two towers in one city which he just so happened to be in charge of at the time. The End.

"The fundamentals of my character were formed a long, long time ago under sometimes difficult circumstances," McCain said. "I'm not going to fundamentally change."

Yes, he will fundamentally still be a carbon-based sentient being, with a hair-trigger temper and an uncanny knack for saying mindblowingly stupid things at the absolute most inappropriate times.

Like assuring the "economy is fundamentally sound" on the exact same day the financial system suffered the same horrible downward trajectory as his career and sanity.

Awkward? Ha ha, only if you remember it, my friends!