No Way José! Crazed, Right-Wing, Immigrant-Hating Arizona Sheriff Is Almost As Good At Screwing Over Mexicans As He Is At Screwing Them

When you think of crazed, Mexican-hating, wingnut Arizona sheriffs, normally the first thing that comes to mind is a crazed, gay, Mexican-hating, wingnut Arizona sheriff who hates his own hideous homo self even more than the terrible Mexicans he's always shrieking about, that he actually tries to deport his gay Mexican lover for the terrible crime of being, well, umm, his gay Mexican lover.

It may sound like a page out of some trashy queer pulp novel about cowboys who like other cowboys, but turns out it's the true, real life story of Mexican deportin' Republican Pinal County Sheriff by the name of Paul Babeu with an unquenchable (albeit inconvenient) thirst for the semen of illegal Mexican men.

Which, for a self-hating homosexual in the parched, whites-only hellscape that is Aryanzona, can be quite a doozy!

According to the Phoenix New-Times:

Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu — who became the face of Arizona border security nationally after he started stridently opposing illegal immigration — threatened his Mexican ex-lover with deportation when the man refused to promise never to disclose their years-long relationship, the former boyfriend and his lawyer tell New Times.

The latest of the alleged threats were made through Babeu’s personal attorney, who’s also running the sheriff’s campaign for Congress in District 4, the ex-lover says.

"Jose" says he met Babeu in October 2006 on gay.com, a dating website. What started with an online invitation from Babeu for the two to get together, he says, turned into not only a personal relationship but a professional one.

Jose says he created and maintained Babeu’s campaign websites, his Facebook page, and his Twitter account. Babeu didn’t pay him for his online services, he claims.

Or at least not in actual currency. Sadly, semen is not yet legal tender in the United States (or Mexico!) but hopefully Santorum will change that.

Despite the steamy allegations, Babeu has naturally decided to continue running for Congress because that's what publicly humiliated, painfully hypocritical, self-loathing, cock loving Republican political hopefuls do. Hell, it's pretty much part of the GOP oath at this point!

Besides, he's obviously very tough on illegal immigration, particularly when it comes to the actual Mexican men he is sodomizing. We can only assume he is the one doing the sodomizing, since as a Republican sheriff in Arizona, his whole existence is to prevent penetration.

But there's something awfully familiar about this bigoted gay Republican, beyond the usual comically tragic tale of secrets, lies, and self-destructing as Mitt Romney's current campaign chairman in Arizona.

Hmmmm...

Oh right, he's the same misshaped skull, Mr. Clean look-a-like who starred in John McCain's enlightened 2008 campaign video, "Complete The Danged Fence!"

And what a fence it is! Serving the dual purpose of keeping the gross Mexicans out while at the same time keeping his inner demons in.

America's first border fence, in all its radiant glory(holes)! Finally, the kind of protection even Republicans can get behind!

A Quitter Never Wins & A Winner Never Quits, Which Is Why Sarah Palin Will Just Go Ahead & Be A Loser Who Always Quits

Take a deep breath, America. Sarah Palin's awful, vomit-inducing, toxic reign of idiocy is officially over. It's true! On the momentous 5th day of October in the 2011th year of mankind, the nation's, no, no, make that the world's, most famous grifter-quitter-grandma from hell (aka Wasilla), Sarah Louise Palin, aka Lou Sarah aka Mama Grizz aka Barracuda aka lipstick wearing pitbull hockey mom aka ‘Orora’ announced SHE IS NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT of Fox News, short-lived reality teevee shows, making Mittens Romney actually look electable, getting humiliated by Barack Obama for the second time in four years.

Terribly sad, I know. Now what will we do when we want to feel all dead and empty inside? Who can America turn to to lower our collective IQ with little more than a kiss, wink, inverted syntax, a you betcha or two, and all the faux victimhood Sarah Palin can cram into one grammatically incorrect sentence?

I guess, there will still be Fox News!

But perhaps the most fitting tribute comes from former McCain adviser Nicolle Wallace, who was assigned by the McCain '08 campaign to help Sarah get through her day without ruining everything, only to discover you can't control crazy!

Could it be this very experience with the Wasilla wonder herself, that inspired Wallace's new political novel that "explores what would happen if a woman were plucked from relative obscurity and elected Vice President of the United States - only to find herself completely unprepared for the job."

Hmmm...

“The idea of a mentally ill vice president who suffers in complete isolation was obviously sparked by the behaviors I witnessed by Sarah Palin.”

Not the Sarah Palin, the awesomest, most quittingest human being that has ever hunted moose from helicopters!

Well, first let me just say that the novel is by no means meant to build a case against Sarah Palin. However, to the extent that the people around [the fictional vice president] Tara watched in this troubled state of confusion, despair and helplessness as she flailed around — that was something I experienced. Palin vacillated between extraordinary highs on the campaign stage — she ignited more enthusiasm than our side had seen at any other point — to debilitating lows. She was often withdrawn, uncommunicative and incapable of performing even the most basic tasks required of her job as McCain’s running mate.

Wait, what? I thought the whole point was to make John McCain look less like a fossilized Alzheimer's victim and more like elder statesman who is aware that Africa is an actual continent not a country or that Toto song she totally rocked out to in the '80s.

What if somebody who was ill-equipped for the office were to ascend to the presidency or vice presidency? What would they do? How long would it take for people to figure it out? I became consumed by this question.

Lucky for us all, Nicolle, it didn't take "people" that long to figure it out, which is probably why the McCain-Palin ticket scared the bejesus out of everyone not insane or incarcerated.

The system works, sort of!

"After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States," Sarah Palin said in a statement.

So, there is a God!

"I believe that at this time I can be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office and because "a third party would guarantee Obama's re-election, and that's the last thing that our Republic can afford."

Probably because its already spent everything funding Sarah Palin's personal cash-for-clunkers program, her presidential ponzi scheme/perma-victim tour across the US of A.

"As always, my family comes first..."

That is unless they are sick or pregnant or in the hospital or or makin' precious li'l miracles in the back of Levi's pickup or need something while I am Tweeting or Facebooking or traveling or sleeping or awake or hunting or rocking on my front porch watching Russia or anything important like that.

"From the bottom of my heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President."

Well there you have it! The Earth-shattering news (other than that Sarah Palin does indeed have a heart), is that a person no one likes announced they are not running for a job they didn't want, couldn't do, and wouldn't get anyway.

"Know that by working together we can bring this country back – and as I've always said, one doesn't need a title to help do it."

A functioning brain, on the other hand, is pretty much required.

[image via Gawker]

Is Everyone's Fave Straight-As-A-Southern-Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham About To Be Outed As A Deviant, Army Distracting Homosexual?

South Carolina's favorite sexually ambiguous native son, lifelong bachelor, and lesbian look-a-like senior Senator Lindsey Graham is always reliably against deviant homosexuals having any basic human rights in America because well, Lindsey's a Republican, y'all!

And not just any gay-bashin' war lovin' rough 'n tumble conservative from below the Mason-Dixon line, but a certain effeminate, never-been-married gent (which pretty much proves everything), whose been hounded by gay rumors ever since he first pranced on the political scene back in the '90s when Right Said Fred was still doing his little turn on the catwalk.

Sadly, despite all of Lindsey's noble efforts to distance himself from the hideous queers by trying desperately to keep them away from America's sacred heterosexual altars and military barracks, the rainbow rumors just won't go away!

Even his convincing declaration in a 2009 New York Times Magazine interview, "I ain't gay" isn't enough to keep the not-at-all-suspicious spring out his perfectly straight step.

To make matters even worse, gay rights activist and world famous outer of closeted, hypocritical, self-loathing politicians, Mike Rogers, claims to have "pictures of a man who spent the night" with Sen. Lindsey Graham, which is absolutely CRAZY because everyone knows Republicans cannot be gay because of Jesus 'n the bible 'n stuff.

But Mike Rogers' Twitter account says otherwise:

I wonder if Lindsey Graham knows I have pictures of a man who spent the night at his house. pls RT
– 10:57 AM Dec 18th
Just reached lawyer at home. Meeting set for Tues. on releasing pix of man who spent night at Lindsey Graham’s.
– 11:05 AM Dec 18th

But what ever does Mr. Rogers (sorry, I couldn't resist) mean by "pictures of a man who spent the night" at Graham's house? Pictures of his secret little boy toy/luggage handler scurrying furtively from his front porch wearing nothing but a silk robe and slippers? Candid shots of a loving embrace, steamy goodbye kiss or otherwise compromising position of the Senator and his special man friend?

Perhaps it was just his bestest friend in the whole world, John McCain, paying his fellow Grand Old Patriot a friendly visit for a quick round of Twister while discussing all the terrible "gay distractions" swirling around the old man's deranged, rapidly deteriorating mind?

Because one thing America will not, cannot afford is all these God-awful "gay distractions" causing once full-bodied, straight-as-an-arrow soldiers to suddenly go gay crazy, start blowing one another, only to get their limbs blown off and turn the entire United States Armed Forces into a bunch of limbless sissies, who'd probably be waving not mighty, beautiful red, white, and blue stars 'n stripes, but hideous rainbow and pink triangle flags.

If only they still had their arms.

No One Asked But McCain's Still Telling...He's A Bitter Old Man Who Hates The Gays Almost As Much As NObama & His Own Pathetic, Miserable Life

Rejoice America because John McCain's deranged, one-man stinky rotten loser, raging bull destroy-Obama crusade to keep awful gay and lesbian soldiers from admitting they're in fact awful gay and lesbian soldiers is now as dead as the old man's last remaining neurons and synapses.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of the usually insufferable but occasionally decent, ol' Independent Joe Lieberman and scrappy, hard-fighting, justice-seekin' Mormon Majority Leader Harry Reid, the Senate finally achieved its first successful repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell after only 500 pathetic attempts, and like, 17 shameful years, by an official vote of 65 decent human beings to 31 bitter, bigoted old white men.

Hooray!

But just because a policy granting decency and basic human rights to members of our Armed Forces is good for equality, good for justice, and good for America, does not mean it is good for John McCain. We wouldn’t want to have too many civil rights in a gloriously free society such as our own, now would we?

No, no we certainly wouldn't! Unless you're a hippie dippie queer-lovin' Democrat!

“I don’t care who you love,” Senator Ron Wyden, Democrat of Oregon, said as the repeal debate opened. “If you love this country enough to risk your life for it, you shouldn’t have to hide who you are.” [...]

“I’m not here for partisan reasons,” Carl Levin, a Michigan Democrat, said. “I’m here because men and women wearing the uniform of the United States who are gay and lesbian have died for this country, because gay and lesbian men and women wearing the uniform of this country have their lives on the line right now.”

Oh great, so now the line is gonna be all gross and gay now, too!

Good thing one rapidly deteriorating (though, not fast enough!) Senator by the name of John McCain will not stand silently by as desperately-needed civil rights are tossed around willy-nilly to every fatigue-clad homosexual spreading security and sin in every nook, cranny and underground bunker around the world.

Them gays will get rights over his (medically declared) dead body!

"So here we are about six weeks after an election that repudiated the agenda of the other side," McCain wheezed in a bizarre, rambling floor speech, one part argument and four parts temper tantrum.

"You think: 'what this bizarro world that the Majority Leader has been carrying us in of cloture votes on this, votes on various issues that are on the political agenda of the other side, you somehow think that beginning next January 5, we will all love one another and kumbaya?"

Yeah, suck it faggots!

"Today's a very sad day. The commandant of the United States Marine Corps says when your life hangs on the line, you don't want anything distracting," McCain insisted, doing his best impression of Miss Runner Up USA and devout one man+one woman advocate Carrie Prejean..."I don't want to permit that opportunity to happen and I'll tell you why. You go up to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Marines are up there with no legs, none. You've got Marines at Walter Reed with no limbs."

Hear that people?? Human torsos are literally piling up like limbless mannequin mountains all because U.S. soldiers are constantly distracted by all the hotttttt man-on-man action going on in every Iraqi foxhole and Afghan mountainside now that Ga-Ga gays are free to lose the p-p-poker face, put on their rainbow meat dresses and shimmy-shake their fabulous selves out of Army closets across the nation.

On the other hand, soldiers still possessing all their appendages are able to keep constant vigil over fellow servicemen, probably because their minds aren't stuck in the terrible, twisted gay gutter.

What else could possibly be distracting soldiers? Certainly not blessed straight, man-on-woman sex! In all of human history, men have never, ever been distracted by the thought of women and/or having sex with them, only by the thought of two guys in green and brown camouflage getting it on behind the barracks.

Hell, what do you think distracted John McCain when he crashed all those airplanes deep behind enemy lines? Certainly not Cindy McCain, who clearly wasn't yet old enough to be buying elections or posing naked with her mouth duct-taped to protest old white bigots like her wonderful Grandpa husband John wantonly discriminating against gay and lezzy people.

Bottom line is that John McCain is just trying to save innocent lives, innocent hetero lives, that is.

Despite the "thousands" of active and retired military personnel who tell him not to repeal DADT (in his head), McCain was resigned to the fact that it will be repealed, "and all over America, there'll be gold stars put up in windows, in the rural towns and communities all over America that don't partake in the elite schools that bar military recruiters from campus, that don't partake in the salons of Georgetown and the other liberal bastions here around the country, but there will be additional sacrifice."

“I have no idea what he's talking about and no one else does either," Harry Reid said with a shrug.

"All over America?" Technically, his best buddy Joe Lieberman repealed it "all over John McCain's face."

For the second time in as many years, John McCain FAILS to make history. Err, except maybe in the newly revised Texas schoolbooks. They seem to have a fondness for bitter old white men who prefer to go down with the ship.

After they toss the terrible gays overboard, that is.

U.S. Military Report Finally Asks & Tells, But Republicans Suddenly Can't Hear Or Speak

Oh no, not them pesky ne'r-do-well gays again!

Sure, more and more Americans are increasingly supportive of and comfortable with "gays" and "woman gays" aka "lesbians" serving openly in the military because, umm, last I checked this was the 21st century not the late cretaceous period when John McCain was still just a primordial twinkle in his mother's eye.

And also because much like John McCain's arthritis medicine, personal integrity, and mental capacity, wanton and unjust discrimination too has a half-life.

Pew has a new poll out today showing that the nation has shifted on Don't Ask Don't Tell, since the 1990s. Only 27 percent of Americans oppose gays and lesbians serving openly in the military, down from 45 percent in 1994. Fifty-eight percent of Americans support ending DADT. Even among Republicans, there is a narrow split: 44 percent oppose gays serving, while 40 percent favor.

OMG! Well there's that homosexual agenda for you. Fighting for acceptance, justice, and equality for years and years, until eventually, after decades of hard fought-struggle, bitter opposition, and sloooowly evolving attitudes, the wretched gays and lezzies finally gain said acceptance.

Whoa, whoa slow down queers! Ramming their God-forsaken, insidious agenda down our throats for the past half century or so years until our throats are so red, raw and sore that we can't even close our perfectly hetero jaws anymore.

Just look what's happening to the usually reliable bastion of homophobia and intolerance, the U.S. Military! The much-heralded, highly anticipated Holy Grail of Gay Studies, the Pentagon's several hundred-page report (which you can read all 267 pages of here, if you're insane) on whether allowing secretly gay soldiers to say "I'm gay" aloud would destroy the American military has been released. And turns out...wait for it...most soldiers do not think that allowing their fellow servicemen (and women) to be honest about their own, terrible sexuality (without fear of reprisal) would cause a sudden rainbow revolution where GI Joes and Janes throw off their fatigues, and come shimmy-shaking out of Army closets across the country singing "Honky Cat," ready to make deviant same-sex love, not pure, straight-as-a-bullet war.

- 70% of Service members said they would be able to "work together to get the job done" with a gay servicemember in their immediate units.
- 69% said they worked in a unit with a co-worker that they believed to be homosexual.
- 92% stated that their unit's "ability to work together," with a gay person was "very good, "good" or "neither good nor poor." (89% for those in Army combat arms units, 84% for those in Marine combat arms units.)
- 74% of spouses of military service-members say repeal of DADT would have no impact on their view of whether their husbands or wives should continue to serve.
- 30% overall (and 40–60% in the Marine Corps and in various combat arms specialties) expressed negative views or concerns about the impact of a repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

But it's not just the right to fight and die for their country as out 'n proud members of the U.S. military that the wicked gays are after. They want all the rights and privileges of normal people who have God-approved sex with the proper (1:1) penis-vagina ratios, the nerve!

And just look what the terrible gays are doing to America's moral fabric! Turning us into a bunch of rainbow colored, mostly divorced sissies, I tell ya!

A minority of Americans in 2010 (43 percent) think it is bad for society to have more gay couples raising children, while a majority think it is either a good thing (12 percent) or it makes no difference (41 percent) to have gay couples in parenting roles.

Umm, hello?? Need I remind you of a cozy li'l community called Sodom and Gomorrah? Fire, brimstone, but not a discothèque to be found in all the land. Coincidence, I think not!

What is truly tragic is that so many otherwise good, decent citizens are being swayed by this homosexual cabal and special interest minority always trying to shove freedom and equality down innocent, homophobic Americans' throats, but thankfully we still have heroes like John McCain around to ensure this great nation remains at the mercy of the will of the people.

Err, the will of the non-gay and non-gay-supporting people, that is. The real people.

Like say, congressional Republicans, whose initial enlightened response to the Pentagon's painstaking, months long study unequivocally proving that repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell won't damage troop readiness, hurt troop morale, or cause the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to appear on the shores of Ellis Island, is to demand more hearings and "comprehensive oversight" of this study, preferably until they assume control of the House and can kill it off for good.

The bill, not the gays, that is.

America may be going to hell but hey at least it's riding in one hell of a stylish handbasket, amiright?

Unemployed Strategist Meghan McCain Wants To Use Her Big Breasts, Err, Brain To Help Republicans "Kick Obama's Ass" In 2012

OMG, alert the press! Alleged political pundit, "Dirty Sexy Politics" author, and racy boob Twitpic extraordinaire Meghan McCain is currently available as a "strategist" for the 2012 elections, just in case any Republicans would like some help losing their various presidential bids.

But act fast because this dynamo political mind, which went a whopping 1-for-5 in election night predictions (Christine O'Donnell, really??), won't last long!

“I made some predictions. I am now zero and four… I’m actually a pretty good blackjack player, but I made, I was like, ‘Meg Whitman’s gonna win, Sharron Angle all the way! And Meg Whitman, yeah!”

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, yeah!! Or in blackjack terms, I'm pretty much what you'd call a total bust, yeah! Woohoo! Perhaps I should just stick with sending out Twitter pics of my massive, bountiful breasts, yeah!

Word on the street is everyone who's anyone is already clamoring to snag Meggy's brilliant, one-of-a-kind political mind, and solicit her savvy services...Just ask Meghan!

From Politico:

Speaking at the Miami Book Fair International to promote her book, "Dirty Sexy Politics," the daughter of Sen. John McCain expressed an interest in working as a Republican "strategist."
"I've already had people interested in me working, which is unbelievably flattering," McCain said. "I want to go out and do it all over again with somebody else — I want to go get a Republican elected. I want to kick Obama's ass the next election and get a Republican elected."

OMG, totes! Meghan will help you "kick Obama's ass," just like she did in 2008!

Or better yet, why doesn't adorable li'l Meggy just run for president herself? Sure, the lame-o Constitution "says" you need to be 35, but maybe that old senile eternal Senator from Arizona (what's his name again?) can do something about that, like pull some strings or start hacking on the senate floor to get her some sort of exemption?

After all, Meghan said she is willing to "do anything I can" (except umm, get an actual job, obviously, but she will flash her tatas all over Twitter, free of charge!) to score a win for the GOP in 2012.

Maybe that means she's ready to pursue a career in blackjack instead of humiliating herself trying to figure out this whole politics thing. Who knows?

What Meghan does know, however, is that Obama "has done little to nothing with his administration."

HAHAHAHAHA, the dumb loser!

He doesn't even need a rich, famous daddy with lots of political connections to help him get nothing accomplished!

Like Husband, Like Trophy Wife...Cindy McCain Gets Bound & Gagged, Then Flip Flops On NOH8ing Fags

Everyone knows John and Cindy McCain have the bestest, most blissfully beautiful, perfectly God-blessed heterosexual marriage of convenience this great land has ever seen. It's true!

For her part, Cindy does bring plenty to the table, like her unique, one-of-a-kind rich trophy wife good looks, senile old man appeal, as much of daddy's hard-earned Anheuser-Busch beer money as Johnny's ice cold albeit ambitious li'l heart desires ($20 mil sounds about right!), and whatever else it takes to get that damn old man out of Arizona and back in Washington where he can fight for the freedom to keep gross gays in the closet and out of Army barracks for as long as it is politically expedient.

Hooray!

Plus, with gramps out of her adorable, blond new pixie length hair, Cindy is finally free to do as she pleases, like diddling the hunky pool boy and/or getting bound and gagged for gay rights before deciding eh, on second thought, my senile spouse might not appreciate this sexy stunt so ummm, sorry gays, screw you and your stupid struggles for equality. Find another washed up, hypocritical heiress to do your dirty work. Cindy Mac, out!

Which is certainly a far cry from just last week when sweet Cind found time to duct tape her celebrity mouth shut to shoot a spot for the anti-gay bullying PSA by the NOH8 campaign, where she basically accused her lovely husband of sharing the blame for gay kids offing themselves all over the place in record numbers, all because of the their own terrible homosinuality. Yay?

"Our political and religious leaders tell LGBT youth that they have no future," Cindy McCain says. ... "They can't serve our country openly ... Our government treats the LGBT community like second-class citizens, why shouldn't [the bullies]?"

Well for one thing, Cindy, the so-called bullies you so casually mention happen to be the same shriveled carcass who supposedly sleeps in your bed every night, but hey, you already knew that, right? Hence, the ol' pill habit??

But just in to clear up any confusion, just like her Mama Grizzly kindred spirit, SarBear, Cindy took to her favoritest Twitter to set the record straight (like the good sexuality!) about how she didn't really mean anything that she said in the NOH8 video, and totally supports her husband's one-man crusade against justice and equality for gross gays, now and forever. After all, blood is thicker than water gay teen suicide stranger blood:

"I fully support the NOH8 campaign and all it stands for and am proud to be a part of it. But I stand by my husband's stance on DADT."

Ummm, awkward? Apparently, Cindy and John did something they haven't done in years: held an actual conversation, not through their various handlers, spokespeople, and strategists.

And miracle of miracles, it worked!

Perhaps it was the lingering effects of her years of living in a prescription pill-addled haze or maybe it's just what happens after decades of living with an Alzheimer's ravaged, almost-octogenarian who resorted to selling his own decrepit soul once sugarmama's well-stocked coiffers ran out, but suddenly it was as if Cindy forgot who she was. Almost like she was two different people, even!

Luckily, thanks to the clean, Mexican-free, parched desert air, Cindy McCain suddenly returned to her good senses and remembered (I know, I know ironic!) who she is, was, and will always be.

And it certainly isn't some equal-rights defending, truth and justice-seeking progressive gay and lesbian activist. Heavens forbid! What does she look like a freakin' sellout Democrat or something? Ha!

No, no, don't be silly! Clearly, the arugula-eating elitist creators of the NOH8 campaign completely misconstrued what she really meant to say:

"Our political and religious leaders tell LGBT youth that they have no future, which is like totally true! They can't serve our country openly, thanks to God and my adorable dementia-addled, spineless hubby J. Mac, who will always be President of my heart. He treats the gross, dirty Mexicans like second-class citizens, why shouldn't everyone, with the help of our perfect government & wonderful DADT, do the same with the LGBT community, always bullying people into accepting their deviant, hellbound, abominable, rainbow Pride floating, tight speedo sportin' ways?"

So thank you Cindy for teaching us all (suicidal gay youth included) a very valuable lesson: when someone, especially the abusive, cranky old balls hubby you bankroll pressures you, you should always cave and give in to hate, particularly if it's a matter of basic human equality.

Or gay kids jumping off bridges. Either one really.

Yay! Republicans Heroically Vote To Keep Our Military Safe From Scary Ladies In Meat Dresses & Even Scarier Ga-Ga Gays!

OMG! Guess what little gay and lezzy monsters across America?? Your little "rights" struggles are over! Done, dunzo, finito, Ga-Ga-gonzo!

Oh, wait never mind, you're all still totally screwed, despite Lady Gaga donning a hotttt meat dress, and p-p-p-poking her face all around Maine, trying to convince the last two "moderate" (aka not completely insane) Senator ladies, Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, not to be ignorant homophobic wretches, on the wrong side of equality everything, like the rest of their Grand Obstructionist Party of dinosaurs and elderly Klansmen. But they politely declined!

Ooops, guess crazy really is all the rage these days!

Not even Gaga's sexy steak dress was enough to convince the Bangor Sisters, Susan and Olympia, that indeed gays and lesbians should have as much right to senselessly die in a remote parched desert mountainside as the rest of decent, heterosexual America.

"Equality is the prime rib of America, but because I am gay, I don't get to enjoy the greatest cut of meat my country has to offer," Lady Gaga said, referring to the MTV Video Music Awards dress she wore last week made out of cuts of steak.

"Shouldn't everyone deserve to wear the same meat dress I do?" she said.

Yes, totally! Err, make that everyone who is not a gross gay person! They can have the scraps, or maybe the random discarded bits 'n parts that go into a hotdog. The gays like those, right? I would say lesbians too, but everyone knows dykes despise (man)meat, and much prefer Garden Burgers or Tofu instead. They should probably just go ahead and stick to that Kermit the Frog frock. It is much more their style, being green & vegetarian and all.

Oh yeah, and since when is Lady Gaga g-g-g-g-gay?? We were totally waiting for her to invent a new form of sexuality (steakuality? Bad Romancuality?) instead of declaring herself just another boring, ho-hum homo!

Sorry gays, maybe next year never?

But at least the rest of good, heteroperfect America can sleep soundly knowing that our nation's servicemen will not be secretly servicing one another (or at least not asking or telling anyone about it), for a few more months at the earliest! Phew!!

Thanks to the inability of Democrats to get the 60 votes needed to break a Republican filibuster and keep debate alive on a defense authorization bill — including a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal and the DREAM Act, which would provide a path to citizenship for children of illegal immigrants via military service or higher education — the 17-year-old policy that legally bars gays and lesbians from being their fabulous selves while donning military fatigues and devoting their lives to protecting the very freedom they're denied, will continue indefinitely.

Woohoo! Who needs dumb equality anyway?? Certainly not this country! Not mighty, straight America: Land of the (sort of) free and home of the bravely discriminating against deviant queers for almost two decades. Hooray!

The Senate—leery of being steamrolled into a pre-election vote on abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" before the Pentagon completes its study on the impact of its repeal—decided Tuesday against lifting the 17-year-old law. Senators voted 56-43, failing to get the 60 votes needed to end a Republican filibuster and allow an actual vote on ending the ban.

Republican senators, including Sens. John McCain (AZ) and Susan Collins (ME), argued that passing repeal now would undermine the Defense Department’s review of the policy, which won’t be completed until December.

Repeal supporters believe it will be years before another plausible effort can be mounted to allow openly gay men and women serve in the U.S. military.

Two Democratic senators from Arkansas (where the F else??), Mark Pryor and Blanche Lincoln, voted with Republicans to block the bill, likely because Blanche Lincoln wants her children to remember that she stood firmly against equality just before being soundly defeated in her final, desperate bid for re-election, against whatever even more repulsive, backwards, gay bashing bag of Earl Grey hijacked the GOP nomination now.

Go Blanche! You're an inspiration to all who abandon their principles, still get unceremoniously tossed out by mobs of racist white people, and end up as a big, fat, unemployed loser with nothing but a suspiciously dyke-y haircut to comfort you!

And of course, special kudos to ancient fossil and everyone's favorite bigoted, senile grandfather John McCain, whose tireless efforts to ensure the military is free of terrible gays, and instead filled with convicted felons, repeat offenders, and hotheaded airmen who skillfully crash their planes deep in enemy territory, only to get captured alive and wallow in a Vietnamese prison as a fool-proof(?) plan to get some real political power. By losing various presidential bids, along with his mind, integrity, soul, and tons o' Cindy's money along the way, for freedom!

Yes, the same John McCain who wanted to put FREAKIN' SARAH PALIN in the White House, is concerned that a gay man in uniform could harm the country. But a special needs moose as vice president? Ha ha, no worries! CUNTry first, my friends!

Sure, Gramps McCain might have lost the presidency of the United States, but now Johnny can take solace in the fact that he is still officially President of Keeping America Safe From Gay Troops, though judging by this latest blow (no pun intended), Obama may soon be taking that job, too!

So surely they will vote to pass this when that Pentagon review comes out and says gays should be allowed to serve openly in the military. Right??? Surely! John McCain especially. Someone might need to jog his memory a bit to give the old man a little reminder he already won the Senate election, so no need to morph into whatever racist homophobic nutjob he thinks will help him win in Aryanzona, just like last time.

"One can only draw the conclusion that this is all about elections, not about the welfare, the well-being, the morale and the battle effectiveness of the men and women who are laying it on the line in Iraq and Afghanistan today," McCain said.

Laying it on the line, not taking it from behind, got it all you fags 'n dykes out there, dying and/or translating Arabic before getting dishonorably discharged for not having the decency to the Republican kind of gay: in denial, undercover, or secretly trolling for hot man tail in airport men's rooms only.

Meanwhile, the wonderful straights of this country can take solace in knowing they are still, temporarily, allowed to have sex with one another and serve openly in the military, now that their god-blessed heterosexual marriage is totally less threatened by keeping courageous homos out of Army barracks and back in supply closets & storage containers where they belong.

So remember America: Be all you can be, except who you really are: a disgusting, eternally damned big ball of homosinuality who listens to Lady Gaga, when not destroying the moral fabric of society.

Or better yet why not just require all the gross gays to enlist, ship the whole sick lot of 'em off to Iraq and Afghanistan, so America can once again be the strong, strapping, fiercely hetero nation it strives to be, where a person will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character their partner's genitalia.

Because, here in America, when putting your life on the line to serve your country, the only thing that really matters is that you shoot are straight!

Ga-Ga-got it?

How Much Does It Cost For An Old, Washed Up Maverick To Buy His Way Out Of Retirement & Win An Election?

Congratulations America! All your hard work, tireless efforts, and Cindy McCain's beer money have finally paid off because John McCain, THE John McCain, has officially defeated certified nutjob and
world-famous infomercial star J.D. Hayworth to win Arizona's Senate seat and return once again to Washington, DC to give the nation another six years (at least!) of good times and cheer watching a confused old man wander aimlessly, muttering to himself, through the hallowed halls of the U.S. Congress. Which sure beats doing the same thing in the hot, scary, Mexican-filled desert of his native land, Arizona!

So now that John McCain will officially never be voted out of office, because, much like their favorite ancient Senator and living fossil Gramps McCain, Arizona Republicans are also too old, confused, and ignorant to know what's going on, ever, the whole nation ('cept the Mexis!) can breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Three cheers for the pretend maverick! WOOHOO! Score one for America!

And to think, all he had to give up was the last, remaining specks of his integrity and legacy (Prisoner-of-War-turned-Prisoner-of Wingnuts?), while his long-suffering wife Cindy had to drop a cool $20 million just to finally get the old man back to DC, so she can go back to diddling the hunky pool boy like the good ol' pill-addled days.

So now that John McCain is back where he should be (and out of the wifey's way), let's take a moment to reflect upon the countless morals lost and trust funds tapped on the long, strange desert odyssey to defeat a teetotalin' lunatic on horseback initialed J.D. Hayworth and continue putting Country First by stowing his integrity in the ice box, along with SarBear, Cindy's petty cash, and his sanity.

Of course, with sweet Cindy's Budweiser-bought victory for Johnny, the only clear losers in the election were the people of Arizona, who had to endure a relentless barrage of sleazy ads from both sides, and as a result didn't really care who won, so long as the audio/visual assaults stopped. I mean, even a thousand screeching Cindy's, or salsa dancing Mexicans, would be a welcome respite from the god-awful ads these two cooked up!

Turnout at the polls was light for much of today for Arizona’s primary election, which will set the field for November races ranging from U.S. Senate to local constable.

As they turned out to cast ballots, many voters said they were turned off by relentless and negative campaign advertising, saying the mudslinging distracted the public from important issues like the economy and illegal immigration.

Totes! Ha ha, I mean like why isn't anyone talking about illegal immigration in Arizona of all places, lately?? Perhaps they completed the danged fence or maybe Gov. GI Jan Brewer is simply too busy fighting National Socialist threats like her heroic Nazi-hunting father to bother?

But now that America can rest assured knowing its collective grandfather will be around for as long as his frustratingly hearty genes allow him to continue selling his soul for power, the political watchdogs over at Esquire have gone ahead and crunched the numbers to find just how much of John Cindy McCain's beer fortune the old man blew to defeat an actual cartoon character and win Arizona's GOP senate primary.

Turns out, it is indeed possible to put a very large and very comical price per vote on what it cost the McCains to eke out an unimpressive victory in the hot, abandoned drug 'n Mexican-overrun wasteland known as Arizona.

So, with 56 percent of the vote (compared to J.D. Hayworth's 32 percent), the ol' maverHACK received approximately 281,347 votes. And considering the $21 million cost of his campaign, some simple elementary math reveals everyone's favorite septuagenarian paid approximately $74.64 for each one of his unenthusiastic votes — $21 million ÷ 281,347 = $74.64.

Now, it's no secret McCain has always paid a premium for every winning vote, but to put this desperation in proper perspective, McCain's 1982 congressional campaign cost $13.54 per vote in inflation-adjusted dollars ($550,000 ÷ 89,116 votes = $13.54), while the 2008 presidential race only cost him $5.03 per lever pull ($293 million ÷ 58.3 million votes = $5.03), but then again Johnny did have the natural advantage of running against an actual colored person, in America, which ya know always helps.

Besides, at this rate the McCain/Budweiser fortune should be totally shot by the next couple o' Senate races. Then, the grumpy old coot can finally go home, Cindy can again relapse into a Rx haze, and John McCain can return to starring in hilarious commercials wandering the vast Arizona desert searching for (white!) people to pay off in exchange for their vote.

But, if he were really smart, he would stop wasting his Cindy's money. For the price of just one vote, McCain could have hired like three illegals because you don't need a green card or English skills to know better than having a demented, old man wander the scary, illegal-filled wilderness of Arizona, alone and unarmed.

But, give the old man some credit. At least someone's still pumping money into this limp, lifeless economy.

Even if it's only to keep their own limp, lifeless carcass in the Senate, and out of some posh retirement community in Scottsdale. At Cindy's insistence, of course.

Someone Get This Man A Hot Dog. For God's Sake, I'd Say He's Earned It!

Is North Korea's Hot Man-Tail Hunting Facebook Profile A Dirty Capitalist Trick, Or Is Kim Jong Il The Next Desperate Housewife Of The DMZ?

Much like Gramps McCain and the rest of the old, creepy Republicans desperately trying to recapture their-once youthful glow by mastering the art, no make that the science, of popular tween social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook before him, a new, even creepier Asian kid has decided to join the rest of the cool kids pokin' peeps and tweetin' updates over on the ol' 140-character block.

Sure, the nation' citizens may be starving to death, their economy in shambles, and the entire population a bunch of demented midgets hellbent on world domination (and hopefully, Armageddon), but the real news is that North Korea, and its adorable li'l muffin of a leader Kim Jong Il, has left the dark ages (sort of) and joined the rest of 21st century society by creating their very own official state-run Twitter and Facebook page. Hooray!

Get excited, world! A few weeks after the beautiful blossoming of North Korea's Twitter account and YouTube channel, the notorious nation of scary loners has apparently launched it's own awesome Facebook page to presumably do all the things crazy kids do these days, like stalk their exes (South Korea) and chat with the rest of the world's rogue leaders posting hilarious pictures and status messages from various undisclosed, highly secure locations worldwide like remote mountain caves.

The AP reports that the Facebook account, which opened late Thursday under the Korean username "Uriminzokkiri" meaning "on our own as a nation," calls itself a " page representing the intentions of North and South Koreas and compatriots abroad, who wish for peace, prosperity, and unification of our homeland."

Its profile picture is of the Three Charters for National Reunification Memorial Tower, a 100-foot (30-meter) monument in Pyongyang that "reflects the strong will of the 70 million Korean people to achieve the reunification of the country with their concerted effort."

The account had 65 friends as of Friday. Oh, and the Facebook page, which describes itself as "male, says it is interested in men and is looking for networking."

Oh, hahahahaha! Ya crazy North Korea!

Hmmm, let me see if I've got this straight...Notoriously anti-social Hermit Kingdom, the one with a crazy dwarf dictator who wants to take over the world (or just watch lots of American DVDs while sippin' Hennessy), owner of the world's fourth-largest army, including nuclear weapons, population 23 million—has just 65 friends, is gay, and interested in social networking??

And much of the activity on North Korea's wall happens to include Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez' two-sense, the obligatory "North Korea is best Korea" posts, and of course your random American ranting about how "Kim Jong Dickhead can suck some Red, White, and Blue ass."

Frankly, this looks more like the profile page of a never-been-laid 18-year-old Dungeons & Dragons master still living in his parent's basement, rather than a nuclear-armed deranged totalitarian state with a powerful, decades-old grudge against the rest of the free, normal-sized world.

Oh wait, turns out it North Korea's fabulous quest for some hot man-on-man love and/or Kim Jong II "liking" Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's "Death to the West" status update may not be real after all. Bummerrrrrr!

According to the regime, the hot sexy profiles of Dear Pint-Sized Leader are nothing more than the plots and schemes of some capitalist pigs living in Japan and China, not North Korea, because such salacious social media sites are still banned, plus there is no such thing as gross gays there. Duh.

"We think that there is plenty of misinformation, speculation and sensationalism regarding the reality of North Korea,” North Korea spokesman Cao de Benos tells Forbes. “This is the hypocrisy of a society that calls itself ‘democratic’ but is in reality fearful of the ideological power and influence from our side.”

Hmmm like Dear Leaders Gone Wildly Homo?

But, don't be fooled, “Such websites will never be run by our Government directly," the spokesman said.

I mean there are already 23 million starving slaves willing to pledge their life-long allegiance to Dear Leader a thousand times a day, and they don't even require compensation, monetary, hot man-tail, or otherwise.


But on the bright side, at least we can rest assured knowing World War III won't start all because some douchebag prankster decides to "tag" North Korea in a White House photo.

Instead, it will likely happen when the producers of "K-Town" reject Kim Jong Il's application video. Apparently, the li'l dude's got a thing for The SituASIAN and oddly colored dark-haired midgets whose bright orange glow may or may not be radioactive.

But at least North Korea can stop trying to make South Korea jealous by making out with Taiwan every weekend. They would try hitting up that Snooki girl, but not sure how her boyfriend John McCain would feel about it. And if there's one thing Koreans are taught, it's to always respect the elderly!

(Click to enlarge):

No Country For Embittered Old Men

"America, Arizona we're all struggling. I can't think of a time in my life when we had bigger or more vital issues at stake than today."

In fact, Gramps over here can't remember very much of anything these days!

Ehhh, where was I? Ah, yes...

"The rebuilding of our economy, the security of our nation, our border, and the safety of every citizen in Arizona."

So long as their white, legal, and not streaming 'cross Juarez like a bunch of dirty border-jumpin' cockroaches, John McCain will protect 'em...and he doesn't even need to speak in complete sentences to prove it.

So goes the latest campaign ad from our favorite AARP celebrity, America's grandfather John McCain, appropriately titled "vital" because nothing's more vital than an old man's vital signs failing as he wanders aimlessly through the desert in a demented haze, searching for whatever it is that Alzheimer's ravaged washed-up, almost-octogenarian statesman think they'll find in the parched desert wilderness of the American West (their principles/integrity/soul?).

I sure hope Johnny's not still wandering endless sand dunes looking for his pants. No matter how many times you tell him he's already wearing 'em, he never seems to remember!

And the wild, untamed Arizona desert is certainly no place for a frail old man in a cute "Navy" hat, faded jeans, and button-down blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up all adorable just like Meghan taught him, (ummm,what happened to completing the danged sleeve roll-up!?) to walk limp around all by his lonesome, without fearless, heat-packin' Grizzlies like Sarah or Nazi Governor Jan Brewer to protect him.

Just think of all the dangers Johnny could run into out there, alone in the vast, unforgiving desert! There's snakes, scorpions, spiders, his long-lost, even more ancient relative, the dreaded Gila monster, wild coyotes, and of course, the most spine-tingling threat of 'em all: scary citizenship-seeking brown people from Mexico innocently singing La Bamba en route to destroying America's once pure, beautiful, monochromatic white culture. Arrrrrggggghhhh!

Oh no, the dehydration must have gotten to him first because now Johnny's seeing a mirage: There are happy Arizonans here in the desert with him. And, thankfully they're all-white like him and also very much want to hear what J Mac has to say. That's a very nice thought, old man. Tell them about rebuilding the economy, or maybe how you beat those dang Vietcong with nothing but a piece of twine, your own resolve, and the unshakable belief you can do anything if you really put your mind to it. Cept maybe not crashing your plane deep inside enemy territory and getting captured alive.

"I proudly stood up for our state, (even if I need a nice comfy chair now). Never backed down. My father and grandfather taught me and I've taught my children: service before self. If ever there was a time to honor that code, that time is now. We will get America back on course, we will return Arizona to safety and prosperity. Working together we can improve the lives of every Arizona family."

Err, make that every decent white NATURAL citizen who didn't cross a border or jump on a boat to get here. Or at least had the common decency to do that a loooooooong time ago, before it was bad and everyone hated them for it.

"I appreciate your support, I ask for your vote."

Hell, he'll do just about anything for it (including beg!). Hate Mexicans? Him too! Love guns? Same here! Wanna keep gross gays away from the altar? He's with ya! Can't stand poor people? Ugh, neither can he! Worried about half-black Socialist presidents destroying America? Ditto for Gramps!

Because for John McCain, "character matters." DISCLAIMER: void where prohibited, like when running for political office, during hotly contested Senate primaries, or any other time the whole "character" thing is really more trouble than its worth. Which incidentally, much like his urge to "go" in the middle of the night, happens to be occurring with more and more frequency.

But a hearty thank you to John McCain, the original maverick-turned-Desperado (in the sad, desperate, not Antonio Banderas badass kind of way), for using this wonderful ad to send a very important message to voters: "John McCain: Not Dead Yet!"

You'd be surprised how long you can go on ticking after your mind, soul, principles, and dignity have all long left you. Hell, Dick Cheney can do it without a heart or a pulse, so eat that Johnny! But just remember to take your dentures out first...

Oh and big props to the old man for also enlightening America about the variations among states in their treatment of the elderly.

In Alaska, they set the Old People adrift on an ice floe when they no longer serve a purpose. In Arizona, they apparently take 'em out to the desert to hallucinate & wander aimlessly for the rest of their days, as sweet (and by the looks of it, swift) justice for cruelly wooing Alaskan vultures out of their igloos, and unleashing the scavenging beasts upon the rest of us "fresh carcasses" residing in those parts of the county not yet overrun with moose and/or Mexicans.

But, I sure hope he makes his way home soon…the buzzards are starting to circle. Oh wait never mind, that's just Cindy, Megs, G.I. Jan, SarBear, and the rest of his favoritest gaggle of gal pals. Phew!

Good thing, they prefer their meat a little fresher, without that leathery gristle, and bitter old man aftertaste.

The Only Thing The GOP's Newest, Craziest Idea Repealing The 14th Amendment Accomplishes Is Making Life Even More Awkward For John McCain

"You know, look, I know it's babies we're talking about and it's hard to be tough on babies but let's remember we're talking about illegal aliens coming to this country for the purpose of birthing a child, not because they love the kid, cause they want that child to provide them the benefits of U.S. citizenship."—Attorney Wendy Murphy arguing to repeal the 14th amendment on Fox News (where else?)

When you have to start your sentence with the words "You know, look, I know it's babies we're talking about and it's hard to be tough on babies," perhaps that's a point you shouldn't be making.

I don't know, call me old fashioned, but any way you slice it, hating on babies just doesn't seem to be a very tasteful, not to mention, winning strategy.

Oooooh, sounds like Republicans just found themselves the perfect new rallying cry to fire up the base and boot that no good Barry fellow out of the White House and back into the harsh Kenyan wilderness where he belongs. This time, in the form of wretched diaper-wearing ne'r-do-wells looking for a free lunch, bottle of formula, lactating nipple, or whatever the case may be, by committing the unforgivable crime of being born within the nation's beautiful borders (Alaska included!), or at the very least, one of its lesser "territories" like Guam or "American" Samoa. The sweetly, conservative-named "anchor babies."

No, no, we're not talking about the adorable new cartoon infants to join Dora the Explorer on her maritime adventures, but something far far more sinister: pregnant women desperately climbing barbed-wire border fences (and dodging armed gangs of trigger-happy white supremacists) all for the chance to drop a tiny brown automatic U.S. citizen out of their gross foreigner wombs onto once-pure, now-sullied American soil.

Such 142-year-old aggression simply cannot stand!

Because in these terrifying times when anyone including a half-black man (from Kenya!) with nothing but a Hawaiian certificate of live birth to show for, can waltz into the oval office as President of America, something must be done to save the nation from descending into total multicolored chaos, at the hands, err make that wombs, of all these unwelcome invaders from Africa and their equally sinister Latin counterparts.

Good thing there are still a few brave (white) souls left in this mongol-overrun cesspool of muddled brown and black hues to stand up and say, "enough of this 142-year-old constitutional madness, and century-old Fourteenth Amendment oppression giving the children of illegal immigrants a right to U.S. citizenship," a blight that's been destroying the very fabric of this great nation since the dumb liberal, immigrant-lovin' bastards in the McKinley administration.

Proud patriots like Senate Minority Leader and human-turtle hybrid Mitch McConnell who has decided to join the rest of the brilliant visionaries in his party in their spectacular new idea to change the Constitution and repeal the part of the 14th Amendment that grants children born in the United States citizenship.

“I haven’t made a final decision about it, but that’s something that we clearly need to look at. Regardless of how you feel about the various aspects of immigration reform, I don’t think anybody thinks that’s something they’re comfortable with,”  McConnell explained, before retreating into his protective shell, safe from terrible drooling intruders, where he feels comfortable.

Of course, one could argue that all the Americans born here, whose parents are immigrants, are already comfortable with the law, but that's assuming immigrants are actual people, which everyone knows is just absurd!

What is not absurd, however, is the notion that nothing screams red-blooded conservatism like concocting new and creative ways to kick more brown people out of the country via changing hundred year old constitutionally enshrined laws. Yay!

“People come here to have babies. They come here to drop a child,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) said on Fox News. “That shouldn’t be the case. That attracts people here for all the wrong reasons.” 

Ugh, ya know, wrong reasons like providing a better life for their li'l bundles of Al-Qaeda disciples-to-be, escaping persecution in their native country, and all the rest of the silly, senseless, rash reasons why grown men and women decide to upheave the only life they've ever known, leave livelihoods and loved ones behind to make the uncharted, often perilous journey across thousands of miles of ocean and land. All to settle in a scary, unknown place where they don't speak the language, have no means of support, and are often subject to the wanton discrimination and cruelty that comes from those lucky enough to have their grandparents, great grandparents, and other ancestors blaze the trail for them.

As opposed to the right reasons like say Republican senators from crazy wingnut states like South Carolina desperately trying to prove they're not turning into some gay liberal because they voted to confirm lesbo softball playing socialists to the Supreme Court, and don't shriek "cooties!" every time a Democrat comes near them in the congressional cafeteria by going after that highly dangerous, all powerful Huggies-and-Pampers crowd, disingenuously forcing their way out of uteri all to take advantage of good, hard-working, real 'merican babies, whose parents had the decency to be born here instead of some stupid, remote village in China, in the first place.

At least some Republicans understand that without the 14th amendment, Chinese people couldn’t be citizens, because, come on, Chinese people!? The last thing this country needs is more math-and-science-savvy Asians running around, inverting their T's and R's, building railroads, inventing things, and contributing to America instead of Mother China for the last century and a half.

Almost as amazing as watching Republicans try to out-crazy each other with terrible, untenable ideas, aimed at those most disadvantaged and unable to defend themselves, is the comical lengths some Republicans, such as certain former Prisoners of War turned current Prisoners of Wingnuts, are willing to go to try not to have to support this crazy idea, during an otherwise ho-hum morning press conference.

“We’re talking about the stimulus right now,” John McCain said, before darting off to the elevators down the hall from the Senate studio, where he again declined to take a question. Reporters eventually caught up with McCain in the basement of the Capitol, where he was walking toward to the man-operated train connecting the Senate with the Russell office building.

TPMDC asked, “Do you support the Minority Leader’s push for hearings into the repeal of birthright citizenship?”

“Sure, why not?” McCain said briefly.

“Do you support the idea itself?”

“I support the idea of having hearings,” McCain said.

“Do you have a problem with the 14th amendment?” another reporter asked.

“You’re changing the constitution of the United States,” McCain said. “I support the concept of holding hearings.”

“I support the concept of holding hearings,” McCain repeated, turning to the rail car conductor.

“Let’s go!” he snapped. "I don't have anything to add to that."

Now, typically there is something both hilariously funny and tragically sad about witnessing a withered old man shed every last fiber of his integrity en route to becoming a soulless, brain-dead puppet of the right, dancing (err, at least attempting) slowly around an issue as clear-cut and obvious as taking away the constitutional rights of the toothless, under-1 crowd who use pacifiers and diapers, need constant 24-hour care and coddling, and can't even do anything for themselves.

Be careful now, Johnny, after all, the only thing separating a nursery from a nursing home are three measly letters.

And judging by your Grand Old Party's logic, you're one pacifier away from deportation yourself.

Hasta la vista, baby!

Uh-Oh, Could The Ponzi Scheme Known As $arah Palin's Speech Scam 'cross Real America Be Finished?

Oh no-zees! All $arah Palin wanted to do was take a much-needed break from her hectic life giving slightly different versions of the same dumb campaign speech at various conventions, trade shows, and wingnut rallies for oodles of delicious cold, hard cash, and head back home to relax with the fam at her lakeside abode in the abandoned meth lab known as Wasilla.

Apparently, the overweight middle-aged white men dressed like 18th century patriots, anti-choice femiNAZIS, and human bags o' tea comprising Palin's relatively small fan base—like maybe 2 million dumb people in a nation of 300 million or so—have already spent all the money they have to spend on her idiot shenanigans and hypocritical embrace of the arugula-eating elitist celebrity lifestyle, forcing the one-woman Ponzi scheme called $arah Palin to head North for a little R&R, a few Facebook posts if we're really lucky, and who knows, maybe even brush up on her trademark nonsense-spewing ability that comes at the bargain basement rate of six (totally worth it!) figures a pop.

Like her latest total assault on the senses during a disastrous speech at a commercial real estate conference in Las Vegas. According to the Dirt Lawyer Blog:

"Speaking of disappointment, let’s talk about the keynote address from Sarah Palin. In short, it was a standard stump speech with a few superficial comments about shopping centers and retail real estate. It was awful and a borderline train wreck in my opinion. All Palin had to do was add in a paragraph about the pending disaster of carried interest and she would have not only won over the crowd but gotten significant fundraiser cash from the industry if she runs in 2012. As it stands, I do not know if she knows what carried interest is."

Ummm, does it have anything to do with carrying funds into her bank account or carrying a freshly killed carcass back from the hunt? If not, the answer is no, she does not know, care, or feign even the slightest interest, capisce?

Ugh, why does Sarah Palin hate the nation’s commercial real estate owners and developers? Does she simply hate business, capitalism, and thus, the entire United States of America?

One thing she does care about however, is that terrible creep writer Joe McGinniss who moseyed into the house next door to move closer to his favoritest subject, the famed Arctic grifter $arah Louise Palin!

Well, $arah's not about to take this hideous intruder sitting down, unless she happens to be in front of a computer with speedy Internet access and the ability to quickly get on her personal website for communicating with the adoring masses, Facebook.

"Upon my family's return this morning from endorsement rallies and speeches in the Lower 48 states, I finally got the chance to tackle my garden and lawn this evening! ... Needless to say, our outdoor adventure ended quickly after Todd went to introduce himself to the stranger who was peering in..."

What, what, what!? Levi's budding porn career is over already??

"Joe announced to Todd that he's moved in right next door to us. He's rented the place for the next five months or so. He moved up all the way from Massachusetts to live right next to us - while he writes a book about me."

Whoa, Joe Biden moved to Alaska to pen a book about the 'cuda? Does Obama know about this? Gee, I guess Barry really meant it when he said something has to be done about that guy and his big f-ing mouth.

"Yes, that Joe McGinniss..."

Oooooh, that Joe!

"Here he is about 15 feet away on the neighbor's rented deck overlooking my children's play area and my kitchen window...Maybe we'll welcome him with a homemade blueberry pie tomorrow so he'll know how friendly Alaskans are."

Especially when that friendly pie comes laced with arsenic, a handwritten note (no, not on her hand, silly!), and glass shards baked right into that sweet gooey blueberry goodness and buttery, flaky deliciousness.

"We're sure to have a doozey to look forward to with this treasure he's penning. Wonder what kind of material he'll gather while overlooking Piper's bedroom, my little garden, and the family's swimming hole?"

Ooooh, hopefully it will be even a fraction of the 432-page treasure she bestowed upon the world in the form of Goin' Rogue.

McGinniss, who is renting the place "for the next five months or so," is the famed author of "Going to Extremes," a classic book about Alaska, with his current work-in-progress returning him to the 49th state to examine Sarah Palin's significance as both a political and cultural phenomenon and as an embodiment of the contradictory forces that shaped Alaska as it moved into its second half-century of statehood."

Like a pig in lipstick? Or a maverick hockey mom who wants to drill, baby drill! for oil up 'n down the Arctic shelf to save the whales and help the environment get used to luxurious petroleum baths? That way, the fisherman and other Alaskans whose livelihoods depend on the ocean can take the Bridge to Nowhere to find new, pristine marine expanses where the seals and sea lions don't come floating upside down to the beautiful, oil glistened surface.

Although emails and phone calls were not immediately returned, a statement from McGinniss' publishing house Broadway Books (ugh, elitists!) said, "Well regarded for his in-depth, up-close reporting, Mr. McGinniss will be highly respectful of his subject's privacy as he investigates her public activities."

For her part, Palin has promised to ensure that privacy. 

"And you know what they say about 'fences make for good neighbors'? Well, we'll get started on that tall fence tomorrow."

And who better to call when you need that danged fence completed than her dear old pal, Gramps McCain?
 
But be forewarned, it might take a little jogging of the ol' memory. A couple o' winks, some dropped g's, a few mispronounced words, nonsense cliches 'bout mavericks, and strategically placed "You Betcha's!" oughtta do the trick!

But be careful, lest you wanna fool the old man into thinking it's 2008 all over again. Poor schmuck simply doesn't have any soul left to sell for round two of the never-ending nightmare known as the McCain-Palin trainwreck, err ticket.

Dude barely made it out the first time 'round.

Much Like The Dodo Bird & The GOP, Don't Ask Don't Tell May Soon Be Relegated To Museums' Extinct Relics Collections

OMG! Did you hear the amazing, Earth-shattering news? Barack Obama has finally given the ol' presidential stamp of approval on a compromise to repeal the Pentagon's wonderful "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy, which effectively bars gross gay people from risking their pathetic, sinful lives and serve in the United States military, like the rest of us normal, straight people not condemned to eternal hellfire.

For those of you who don't listen to Barbara Streisand while wearing camouflaged fatigues, "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is the horrible result of President Clinton's attempt to lift the ban on terrible gays and lesbians serving (openly) in the military, way back in 1993 when doing anything to help the dreaded homosexuals be treated like actual American citizens, likely meant the abrupt end of one's promising political career, even more than any secret Oval Office blowjobs ever could.

The whole premise of DADT is you "don't ask" if someone is a gay (like say your flaming bunk mate who prances around the barracks in high heels and a feather boa), and if you are a gay, you "don't tell" anyone your disgusting secret. This means, if you are really good at being all sketchy and secretive about who you are, and love using general, generic pronouns when describing the person with whom you share your life, you are legally allowed to get blown up by an improvised explosive device on the side of a road in Iraq or Afghanistan, in order to defend the very freedom you, yourself do not have the privilege of enjoying. So ummm, sorry about that?

Judging from this summary alone, it is of course very difficult to see how such a flawed policy could lead to rampant discrimination, marginalization, and severe psychological distress (and this is all before facing actual combat!). So naturally, Republicans are just in loooooove with this policy!

Fortunately, Republicans are now basically irrelevant, and Democrats haven't completely sold out their rainbow-colored compatriots, which means there's still a shimmering pink glimmer of hope!

Now that a good 17 years have gone by, and America has moved, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century, most Democrats believe that gays and lesbians should leave the collective closet and finally Be All They Can Be without being forced To Be Someone They're Not.

Even hardened, old military brass like Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Adm. Mike Mullen and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates think Don't Ask Don't Tell is a terribly outdated legislative dinosaur that should definitely probably be appealed. The question now being when exactly is the best time to let the queer cat out the brown and green camouflaged bag?

You may recall back in February when Staff Adm. Mike Mullen testified before Congress, saying, "I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens."

But turns out, even more troubling to these manly military men is how to plan the perfect coming out party for these loud 'n proud men and women soon-to-be sashaying, shimmying and shaking their frisky selves out of boot camp barracks and Army storage closets around the country.

And by big, bad coming out party, we of course mean waiting almost a whole year so military officials can complete their very important study to make sure letting GI Joe or Jane be their fabulous selves won't destroy the delicate morale of the troops, whose cohesion may just be hanging by a single, sexually straight thread.

Because everyone knows you don't want to just hastily rush in and uproot an embarrassing blight on equality and justice in one fell swoop. There needs to be order, discipline, and a slow, steady pace when righting an almost two-decades long wrong. It's the American way!

After all, the 1948 order for racial integration in the military took a whole 5 years to implement, and that was just plain ol' black people, which is waaaaaay less terrifying than a real, live homo in combat boots.

So, what we get is a nice ol' compromise: The Obama administration has given its blessing in the form of an amendment to the defense spending measure, which goes through Congress this week, that would repeal the policy. In exchange, the DADT repeal won't go into effect until Secretary Gates and Adm. Mullen complete their study to ensure giving gays the right to die for their country, won't result in sudden apocalyptic doom and the end of civilization as we know it.

Since the study is due to Congress by Dec. 1, rest assured that flamboyant, fashionably dressed, sexually deviant men and women won't officially start helping their fellow countrymen kill Taliban or capture bin Laden until sometime next year, at the earliest. Phew!

Not surprisingly, for their part, the Grand Old Party of racist old people and closeted white men secretly trolling for hot man-tail in airport mens rooms, has vowed to defend the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy—one which they originally opposed (oooh, does that count as progress??), and that scores of current and retired generals and admirals have said is outdated, ineffective, and compromises national security.

Those Republicans, always on the side of justice!
 
Like ancient fossil/living legend John McCain, who can't remember exactly what he thinks of the policy, but after a quick game of "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" has decided that while the legislation is "imperfect but effective," "we should not be seeking to overturn."

Just like Gramps himself, as well as a certain one-time maverick's Arizona senate seat?

Or Indiana Republican House member Rep. Mike Pence, who knows, "The American people don't want the American military to be used to advance a liberal political agenda. And House Republicans will stand on that principle."

And yes, they do consider wanton discrimination against a single minority as principle.

Even if that principle happens to be thousands of dishonorably discharged, capable young men and women with valuable Arabic speaking and translating skills getting used to the feeling of a whole herd of dumb fat elephants trampling around on top of them until they can find a new, terrible group to discriminate against for political gain.

Too bad they already sent all the Mexicans back to Mexicanland or Mexicopolis or wherever it is those pesky browns come from.

Meanwhile, Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (I-Conn.) and Rep. Patrick J. Murphy (D-Pa.), the lead sponsors
for repealing the legislation, vowed to pursue their goal quickly.

"It is our firm belief that it is time to repeal this discriminatory policy that not only dishonors those who are willing to give their lives in service to their country but also prevents capable men and women with vital skills from serving in the armed forces."

Ooooh, discriminatory policy that dishonors Americans while also preventing capable men and women from serving the country that they love!?

Sounds like the GOP just found themselves the perfect, new recruitment motto they've been searching for!

And to think, they didn't even have to go to lesbian S&M bondage clubs to find 'em!

The GOP's Spectacular Special Election Failure, Round One (Of Many)

Oh sweet Jesus, this feels good! After months of agonizing GOP shrieks and wild bonfire dancing over the Democrats all-but-certain election Obamageddon, thanks to all the alleged GOP momentum following Scott Brown's birthday suit surprise victory in Massachusetts, the time has come to laugh, baby laugh your liberal elitist arugula-eating asses off at what happens when Republican meets Reality.

And, let's just say if you're a proud member of the Grand Old Party of living fossils, it's about as pretty as John Boehner's tan is natural. Or say, Mitch McConnell's face after learning that his handpicked successor to replace that a**hole with a fastball Jim Bunning, Trey Grayson, just got his rear end beer-battered and Kentucky fried right out of contention, in favor of an adorable redneck in Bermuda shorts by the name of Rand Paul, whose daddy Ron Paul is also a famous hero who hates taxes, abortions, and letting gays do gross, gayish things to each other.

So now that Rand Paul won the Republican primary in Kentucky all by his grown-up self, without any help from his much kinder, gentler, old radical father, the Libertarian Jesus, Ron, or the established National Republican Party, he is sure to do very well in the general elections when he runs against a Democrat who does not believe in bombing countries for fun or letting states decide whether to let black people have equal rights. This is considered too crazy even by 21st century Kentucky standards. I mean this isn't Alabama here, people!

Anyway thanks to the GOP's embarrassing Bluegrass blowout, looks like there's more than a slight chance Kentucky's senate seat may actually flip Democrat(!) and Mitch McConnell will be forced to retreat back into his turtle shell, which is good news for the rest of us. Hey, we'll take whatever we can get.

So let's see how the rest of the gleeful, oil-drenched Grand Old Party of Lipton bags and senior citizens' monstrous takeover of Congress is going, shall we?

In the only House race that mattered to both parties—the special election to replace the late Democratic Rep. John Murtha in Pennsylvania’s 12th District—the Republicans failed spectacularly, losing on a level playing field where, in this favorable environment, they should have easily sent the opposition scrambling like a Mexican in Arizona. Assuming they haven't completed the danged fence, that is.

But instead, Democrat Mark Critz cruised past Republican Tim Burns in what can only be seen as a sign of things to come (the beginning of the end) for everyone's favorite party of NO, HELL NO, and NOT IN YOUR GOD DAMN DREAMS!

As First Read notes, "if the GOP couldn't win here--the only congressional seat that John Kerry won in '04 but Obama lost in '08--it's not going to have an easy time netting the 40 House seats in November it needs to retake the House."

You don't say!

Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania's Senate race, real, live Democrat Rep. Joe Sestak defeated desperate Republican-turned-sort-of-Democrat Sen. Arlen Specter for the Democratic nomination, with polls actually showing Sestak as the stronger candidate against Republican Pat Toomey in the general election (gasp!). Wow, these Republicans are sure on a roll...

Right off the nearby cliff, but a rolls a roll, no? Throw some thinly sliced beef smothered in cheese atop and hell, you got Philly's finest right there in your hand.

Sure beats taking a bite out of Toomey.

"The Republican strategy of just trying to focus on personalities, whether President Obama or Speaker Pelosi, that’s not a winning strategy," Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chairman Chris Van Hollen said.

Ummm, what do you expect them to do? Focus on Republican personalities? HAHAHAHAHAHA, yeah you try to hold a conversation with John McCain or John Boehner, see how well that works out for you.

Republicans made little attempt to sugar-coat (gay!) the results, with National Republican Congressional Committee Chairman Pete Sessions saying, “Tonight’s result was undoubtedly disappointing, but we will take the lessons learned from this campaign and move forward in preparation for November.”

Anyone know if Subway's still hiring??

Good thing there are few things Republicans enjoy more than getting gagged, bound, beaten, and humiliated into submission. Usually they prefer lesbian strippers, but I guess they can make an exception this one time.

“This hard-fought race gave us an early preview of what Democrats will attempt to do in the fall in order to survive,” Sessions said. “They will steer clear of publicly campaigning with President Obama and Speaker Pelosi, distance themselves from the Democratic agenda, and attempt to co-opt Republican positions on the issues.”

Blindfolded and down on all fours while Michael Steele stuffs dollar bills down their lace n' leather pants?

Eh, suddenly, regulating Wall Street and immigration reform doesn't sound too bad after all!

Dare I even say, sexy?