Oh no-zees! All $arah Palin wanted to do was take a much-needed break from her hectic life giving slightly different versions of the same dumb campaign speech at various conventions, trade shows, and wingnut rallies for oodles of delicious cold, hard cash, and head back home to relax with the fam at her lakeside abode in the abandoned meth lab known as Wasilla.
Apparently, the overweight middle-aged white men dressed like 18th century patriots, anti-choice femiNAZIS, and human bags o' tea comprising Palin's relatively small fan base—like maybe 2 million dumb people in a nation of 300 million or so—have already spent all the money they have to spend on her idiot shenanigans and hypocritical embrace of the arugula-eating elitist celebrity lifestyle, forcing the one-woman Ponzi scheme called $arah Palin to head North for a little R&R, a few Facebook posts if we're really lucky, and who knows, maybe even brush up on her trademark nonsense-spewing ability that comes at the bargain basement rate of six (totally worth it!) figures a pop.
Like her latest total assault on the senses during a disastrous speech at a commercial real estate conference in Las Vegas. According to the Dirt Lawyer Blog:
"Speaking of disappointment, let’s talk about the keynote address from Sarah Palin. In short, it was a standard stump speech with a few superficial comments about shopping centers and retail real estate. It was awful and a borderline train wreck in my opinion. All Palin had to do was add in a paragraph about the pending disaster of carried interest and she would have not only won over the crowd but gotten significant fundraiser cash from the industry if she runs in 2012. As it stands, I do not know if she knows what carried interest is."Ummm, does it have anything to do with carrying funds into her bank account or carrying a freshly killed carcass back from the hunt? If not, the answer is no, she does not know, care, or feign even the slightest interest, capisce?
Ugh, why does Sarah Palin hate the nation’s commercial real estate owners and developers? Does she simply hate business, capitalism, and thus, the entire United States of America?
One thing she does care about however, is that terrible creep writer Joe McGinniss who moseyed into the house next door to move closer to his favoritest subject, the famed Arctic grifter $arah Louise Palin!
Well, $arah's not about to take this hideous intruder sitting down, unless she happens to be in front of a computer with speedy Internet access and the ability to quickly get on her personal website for communicating with the adoring masses, Facebook.
"Upon my family's return this morning from endorsement rallies and speeches in the Lower 48 states, I finally got the chance to tackle my garden and lawn this evening! ... Needless to say, our outdoor adventure ended quickly after Todd went to introduce himself to the stranger who was peering in..."What, what, what!? Levi's budding porn career is over already??
"Joe announced to Todd that he's moved in right next door to us. He's rented the place for the next five months or so. He moved up all the way from Massachusetts to live right next to us - while he writes a book about me."Whoa, Joe Biden moved to Alaska to pen a book about the 'cuda? Does Obama know about this? Gee, I guess Barry really meant it when he said something has to be done about that guy and his big f-ing mouth.
"Yes, that Joe McGinniss..."Oooooh, that Joe!
"Here he is about 15 feet away on the neighbor's rented deck overlooking my children's play area and my kitchen window...Maybe we'll welcome him with a homemade blueberry pie tomorrow so he'll know how friendly Alaskans are."Especially when that friendly pie comes laced with arsenic, a handwritten note (no, not on her hand, silly!), and glass shards baked right into that sweet gooey blueberry goodness and buttery, flaky deliciousness.
"We're sure to have a doozey to look forward to with this treasure he's penning. Wonder what kind of material he'll gather while overlooking Piper's bedroom, my little garden, and the family's swimming hole?"
Ooooh, hopefully it will be even a fraction of the 432-page treasure she bestowed upon the world in the form of Goin' Rogue.
McGinniss, who is renting the place "for the next five months or so," is the famed author of "Going to Extremes," a classic book about Alaska, with his current work-in-progress returning him to the 49th state to examine Sarah Palin's significance as both a political and cultural phenomenon and as an embodiment of the contradictory forces that shaped Alaska as it moved into its second half-century of statehood."
Like a pig in lipstick? Or a maverick hockey mom who wants to drill, baby drill! for oil up 'n down the Arctic shelf to save the whales and help the environment get used to luxurious petroleum baths? That way, the fisherman and other Alaskans whose livelihoods depend on the ocean can take the Bridge to Nowhere to find new, pristine marine expanses where the seals and sea lions don't come floating upside down to the beautiful, oil glistened surface.
Although emails and phone calls were not immediately returned, a statement from McGinniss' publishing house Broadway Books (ugh, elitists!) said, "Well regarded for his in-depth, up-close reporting, Mr. McGinniss will be highly respectful of his subject's privacy as he investigates her public activities."
For her part, Palin has promised to ensure that privacy.
"And you know what they say about 'fences make for good neighbors'? Well, we'll get started on that tall fence tomorrow."And who better to call when you need that danged fence completed than her dear old pal, Gramps McCain?
But be forewarned, it might take a little jogging of the ol' memory. A couple o' winks, some dropped g's, a few mispronounced words, nonsense cliches 'bout mavericks, and strategically placed "You Betcha's!" oughtta do the trick!
But be careful, lest you wanna fool the old man into thinking it's 2008 all over again. Poor schmuck simply doesn't have any soul left to sell for round two of the never-ending nightmare known as the McCain-Palin trainwreck, err ticket.
Dude barely made it out the first time 'round.