Andrew Breitbart Shocks The World By Pulling His Biggest Stunt Yet: Dropping Dead

Right wing internet provocateur or as Alec Baldwin so eloquently put it, "festering boil on the anus of public discourse," Andrew Breitbart, has died in Los Angeles at age 43 "of natural causes."

Which for a conservative typically means asphyxiating on a ball-gag in full latex body suit while strapped to a wall in a dank, dark basement with electric nipple clamps and a 12-inch steel studded dildo stuffed up his ass. Well, that or a heart attack. You know, natural stuff!

Unless karma is considered a "natural cause."

Either way, the world mourns the loss of a talented writer of headlines who worked tirelessly (and anonymously) as Matt Drudge's assistant on the West Coast, blowing the lid off many a hot story, perhaps none hotter than a certain slick Democratic President catching intern blow jobs in the Oval Office, and unfortunately-named liberal New York members of Congress tweeting grainy pictures of their own bare members to young ladies throughout cyberspace.

Breitbart leaves behind a wife and four children, along with a vile collection of websites including “Big Government” and "Big Hollywood," as well as the hundreds of idiotic half-literate bloggers they employ who share his zeal for mindlessly attacking every non-wingnut aspect of life on Earth but lack his uniquely amiable personality or signature face grizzle. 

While Andrew Breitbart may not have necessarily made the world a better, Brighter place, he did make it a Breiter, angrier, more whacked-out conspiracy filled one.

And so Breitbart died the way he lived: surrounded by partisan rancor and wingnut fanatics spouting off crackpot conspiracy theories about how he was really assassinated by NOBAMA, George Soros, Rahm Emanuel's Chicago goons, the militant Left, and probably Vladimir Putin as soon as was done wrestling half the endangered species in Russia. 

Just the way he would have wanted it!

So long, Andrew, you odd, angry, stubbly-faced little man. May you Rest in Peace. The kind of peace you worked so diligently to undermine while alive.

On the bright side, at least you don't have to pay those "Big Government" taxes anymore. Though you will still likely have to contend with the good-for-nothin' maggots, worms, and creepy-crawly blood sucking leeches, albeit of the non-partisan variety.

A rebel to the very end, even in death, Andrew Breitbart defied conventional wisdom.

Dead at only 43? And I thought only the good died young!

Guess all that's left now is "Big Funeral."

[image via Politico]

Poll: Fox News Viewers Less Informed Than Those Who Read No News; Which Is Weird Because Fox News Hosts Believe Pepper Spray Is A "Food Product, Essentially"

OMG, did you hear the crazy, Earth-shattering, mind-blowing news? No, no not that fat, crazed, out-of-control cops are pepper-spraying college students eyeballs out, macing old ladies, stomping on peaceful protesters, billy clubbing defenseless women and children, and bloodying the faces of law-abiding citizens in every major city around the country. The other headline-busting story about how Fox News is — gasp!—basically as informative and knowledge-providing as staring at an empty cardboard box for hours on end, or at least according to Fairleigh Dickinson University’s latest PublicMind poll.

Well, actually, that's not really 100 percent accurate, since watching a cardboard box doesn't usually suck knowledge from your brain like a new Dyson upright vacuum with ball technology, as is the case with Fox.

From the report:

The poll — which asked New Jerseyans where they find news and information about current events — found that Sunday morning news shows are the most informative, while Fox News actually leads people to be less informed than those who consume no news at all.

The poll focused partly on popular uprisings in Egypt and Syria. Asked whether the people of Egypt successfully topped Hosni Mubarak’s regime, 49 percent of Fox News viewers answered “yes” — the lowest on the scale — while 68 percent of NPR listeners answered in the affirmative, the highest on the scale.

Those who watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart performed well on the questions. Sixty percent of Daily Show viewers correctly answered that opposition forces in Syria have not yet toppled the government, second only to NPR. Forty-five percent of Fox News viewers answered “no.”

As Dan Cassino, a political science professor at Fairleigh Dickinson and an analyst for the poll, explained, "The (poll’s) results show us that there is something about watching Fox News that leads people to do worse on these questions than those who don’t watch any news at all."

Ummm, is that something named Gretchen Carlson??

Or maybe it's that other sexy blonde genius with the really deep, profound observations. No, not not Steve Doocy, although he is sexy. Think more vapid hair product sidekick who has big boobs not acts like one.

That's right, folks! It's everyone's favorite shrill voice of treason reason and idiotically spelled first names, Megyn Kelly who, along with fellow patriotic, non-pinhead patriarch Papa Bill O'Reilly sat down to discuss what really happened at UC Davis and teach all of America why it is perfectly acceptable for heavily militarized security guards to viciously attack a group of sitting students with pepper spray.

Oh, Fox yeah!

But wait a minute, O’Reilly said. “I don't think we have the right to Monday morning quarterback the police.”

OMG, he's so right! Peter King of Sports Illustrated is already in charge of that whole Monday Morning Quarterback thing.

“Especially at a place like UC Davis, which is a fairly liberal campus.”

Because liberals are not people. They are like buzzing hordes of locusts who deserve to be swatted, sprayed, or squashed in whatever manner deemed fit. Of course, if this were Liberty University, God forbid, and some psycho police lieutenant decided to generously and nonchalantly dust peacefully sitting protesters with pepper spray from point spray range, then maybe Papa Bear would have a problem with it.

“Pepper spray, that just burns your eyes, right?” O’Reilly asked Kelly.

OMG, totes! Just like getting Tased is exactly the same feeling as putting on socks and shuffling across carpet before touching your friend.

“Right,” Kelly said. “I mean, its like a derivative of actual pepper. It’s a food product, essentially.”

Exactly! Like jalapeno poppers, or salsa con queso. In fact, if you spray it on pizza, you have a federally recommended meal and an FDA-approved daily serving of vegetables, essentially.

Now, look, Megyn and Bill aren't saying the cops did the right thing or anything! God, no! "I agree [the tape] looks bad," Kelly said.

But looks can be deceiving! I mean Megyn looks like she just clocked out of the lunch shift at Hooters after an all-night coke and sex party at some 18-year old's house whose parents are out of town, but really she is a respected teevee news journalist (and lawyer?) on a very respectable, fair and balanced news network!

It's just that the protesters were sitting in a place where they weren't allowed to sit, so it's kind of their own fault!

Serves those pesky, rabble-rousing, hippie dippie college students right thinking they can just sit anywhere on campus, just because they paid tens of thousands of dollars in tuition for the very privilege to do so.

Besides, the police were just doing what the Chancellor told them, to try and clear the “Occupy” protesters’ encampment.

See, they were just following orders! It's not like anything bad ever comes out of that, right?

Whatever. The point is what right do we, tax-paying citizens, have to judge a publicly-funded cop for spraying a delicious (and nutritious!) simple food product in the faces of a crowd of college kids? (Maybe he was just trying to feed them?).

And not just any college kids. Liberal college kids doing something criminal and dangerous.

Like speaking out against the real people hurt by all this, the poor, long-suffering Corporations.

Because everyone knows liberals don't want to eat powerful pepper blasting from aerosol cans. They'd much prefer to eat the rich instead.

[image via TPM]

A Quitter Never Wins & A Winner Never Quits, Which Is Why Sarah Palin Will Just Go Ahead & Be A Loser Who Always Quits

Take a deep breath, America. Sarah Palin's awful, vomit-inducing, toxic reign of idiocy is officially over. It's true! On the momentous 5th day of October in the 2011th year of mankind, the nation's, no, no, make that the world's, most famous grifter-quitter-grandma from hell (aka Wasilla), Sarah Louise Palin, aka Lou Sarah aka Mama Grizz aka Barracuda aka lipstick wearing pitbull hockey mom aka ‘Orora’ announced SHE IS NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT of Fox News, short-lived reality teevee shows, making Mittens Romney actually look electable, getting humiliated by Barack Obama for the second time in four years.

Terribly sad, I know. Now what will we do when we want to feel all dead and empty inside? Who can America turn to to lower our collective IQ with little more than a kiss, wink, inverted syntax, a you betcha or two, and all the faux victimhood Sarah Palin can cram into one grammatically incorrect sentence?

I guess, there will still be Fox News!

But perhaps the most fitting tribute comes from former McCain adviser Nicolle Wallace, who was assigned by the McCain '08 campaign to help Sarah get through her day without ruining everything, only to discover you can't control crazy!

Could it be this very experience with the Wasilla wonder herself, that inspired Wallace's new political novel that "explores what would happen if a woman were plucked from relative obscurity and elected Vice President of the United States - only to find herself completely unprepared for the job."

Hmmm...

“The idea of a mentally ill vice president who suffers in complete isolation was obviously sparked by the behaviors I witnessed by Sarah Palin.”

Not the Sarah Palin, the awesomest, most quittingest human being that has ever hunted moose from helicopters!

Well, first let me just say that the novel is by no means meant to build a case against Sarah Palin. However, to the extent that the people around [the fictional vice president] Tara watched in this troubled state of confusion, despair and helplessness as she flailed around — that was something I experienced. Palin vacillated between extraordinary highs on the campaign stage — she ignited more enthusiasm than our side had seen at any other point — to debilitating lows. She was often withdrawn, uncommunicative and incapable of performing even the most basic tasks required of her job as McCain’s running mate.

Wait, what? I thought the whole point was to make John McCain look less like a fossilized Alzheimer's victim and more like elder statesman who is aware that Africa is an actual continent not a country or that Toto song she totally rocked out to in the '80s.

What if somebody who was ill-equipped for the office were to ascend to the presidency or vice presidency? What would they do? How long would it take for people to figure it out? I became consumed by this question.

Lucky for us all, Nicolle, it didn't take "people" that long to figure it out, which is probably why the McCain-Palin ticket scared the bejesus out of everyone not insane or incarcerated.

The system works, sort of!

"After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States," Sarah Palin said in a statement.

So, there is a God!

"I believe that at this time I can be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office and because "a third party would guarantee Obama's re-election, and that's the last thing that our Republic can afford."

Probably because its already spent everything funding Sarah Palin's personal cash-for-clunkers program, her presidential ponzi scheme/perma-victim tour across the US of A.

"As always, my family comes first..."

That is unless they are sick or pregnant or in the hospital or or makin' precious li'l miracles in the back of Levi's pickup or need something while I am Tweeting or Facebooking or traveling or sleeping or awake or hunting or rocking on my front porch watching Russia or anything important like that.

"From the bottom of my heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President."

Well there you have it! The Earth-shattering news (other than that Sarah Palin does indeed have a heart), is that a person no one likes announced they are not running for a job they didn't want, couldn't do, and wouldn't get anyway.

"Know that by working together we can bring this country back – and as I've always said, one doesn't need a title to help do it."

A functioning brain, on the other hand, is pretty much required.

[image via Gawker]

The Wheels On The Bus Go Round & Round, Except In Sarah Palin's Case When They Get Dizzy & Quit

While the world was busy pouring over silly, trivial summer news stories like illegal wars in Libya, the Grand Old Party's Grand Old War on poor people, and esteemed members of Congress tweeting fuzzy pics of their own esteemed members, the rest of us were breathlessly waiting for real, important news stories about Sarah Palin getting back on her ridiculous Constitution-covered bus and driving through more states on some dumb RV road trip, grifter tour through the Lower 48, faux presidential campaign extravaganza.

Until, like so many of our fellow patriots with bills to pay but no job by which to pay them, our hopes and dreams were abruptly shattered in one fell swoop: Sarah Palin's wild bus ride adventures talking to old white people is no more!

Oh, the humanity!

Like every other task she starts, minus birthing precious li'l miracles of God, former half-term governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin decided to up and quit halfway through her bus ride for freedom, too.

WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY SEEN THIS COMING??

Ummm, anyone with a brain probably.

RealClearPolitics reports:

Though Palin and her staff never announced a timeline for the remaining legs of her trip, aides had drafted preliminary itineraries that would have taken her through the Midwest and Southeast at some point this month. But those travel blueprints are now in limbo, RCP has learned, as Palin and her family have reverted to the friendly confines of summertime Alaska, where the skies are currently alight for over 19 hours a day and the Bristol Bay salmon fishing season is nearing its peak.

As Palin enjoys her sojourn to the 49th state, she has not reconnected with key early-state figures like Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad and South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, and she may have jeopardized whatever political momentum she gained from her recent reemergence in the 2012 discussion. Her political action committee's website still greets visitors with a stale banner, announcing the nationwide bus tour beginning "[t]his Sunday, May 29th."

More than a few of Palin's core supporters have grown impatient and confused about her strategy, venting their frustration on Internet fan sites.

Wait, what? "Palin's core supporters have grown impatient and confused?" Hahaha, that doesn't even make sense! Everyone knows they've never grown anything except maybe their waistlines, and have always been, currently are, and will forever be confused. It's pretty much a requirement.

As you'd expect America's most distinguished quitter Sarah Louis Palin is, of course, furious that the awful lamestream media simply assumed she quit her bus tour (because it's pretty much what she always does) and took to her favoritest Facebook to speak her mind.

"Imagine our surprise when reading media reports today that the “One Nation Tour” has been cancelled. Why didn’t anyone tell me? Oh, wait, that’s because it hasn’t been cancelled. (Good ol' media... you never cease to amaze!)"

Seriously, when will you media people learn that stopping her "Half Nation" bus tour and returning to Alaska does not mean "quitting." It means, snowbilly grifters get tired and stressed and need to take a vacation from their vacations sometimes.
Besides, if you nosy bastards must know, Palin was called home for "jury duty," which is Alaskan for salmon fishing and getting laid.

"As I said myself at the end of the east coast leg of the tour, the summer is long, and I’m looking forward to hitting the open road again. The coming weeks are tight because civic duty calls (like most everyone else, even former governors get called up for jury duty) and I look forward to doing my part just like every other Alaskan."

"I wouldn’t think it to be such a slow news day that, what with numerous wars and serious economic woes concerning Americans, a bus is driving news stories today. The next leg of the tour continues when the time comes. In the meantime, no one should jump to conclusions – certainly not the media with their long track record of getting things wrong or just making things up."

That's Sarah's job!

Wait, don't call it a job. If she knew being a talentless, scheming ne'er-do-well who steals attention from hard-working, struggling Americans was in itself a full-time job, she'd just quit that too.

The Daily Caller Hires Ginni Thomas In The Hopes That She'll Stop Calling Women To Demand Apologies For Being Sexually Harassed By Her Husband

Ginni Thomas, the loyal lobbyist Teabagging wife of Supremely silent and Supremely sexy Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, has taken the next step in her professional journey of weird, quasi-legal, likely immoral influence-peddling conservative jobs, most recently accepting the not-at-all interest conflicting "special correspondent" position at the appropriately special needs wingnut website, The Daily Caller.

Hooray?

That's right, Virginia "Ginni" Thomas is indeed joining the awful media elites she spends so much of her time bashing, just not the terrible arugula eating “mainstream media” (not named Fox news) specializing in “gotcha journalism” as “lapdogs for the other side” by reporting actual facts, not the crazed chalkboard conspiracies of whichever voices are whispering in Glenn Beck's head now.

And who better to fill this important journalism job than someone who is not a journalist, despises the profession in general, and is used to earning her keep making ethics violations on her husband's behalf, who per usual, had no comment.

Asked to discuss her latest, greatest, sketchball move to The Daily Caller, Ginni Thomas said, "It is a privilege to join such a fast-growing platform with a capable, fun-loving team who are filling a niche that the dinosaur media has underserved."

Whoa, whoa, easy there Ginni! What did the nation's proud paleontology trade journalists ever do to you, huh? It's not their fault God created scientists!

Tucker Carlson, Daily Caller co-founder, editor, and unofficial president of bow-ties, said that Thomas’s position will be part time, beginning in “days or weeks” and will focus on “identifying and interviewing people who might in the future become influential in politics or who are already influential but who you may not know about.”

And not just because hubby Clarence forget to include so much as a single cent of Ginni's hefty income on 13 years’ worth of financial disclosure reports. Whoopsies! An honest mistake anyone could make! I mean it's not like we should expect a brilliant legal mind, one who sits on the highest court of the land and is called upon to understand and interpret the most complicated legal issues of our day, to be able to understand the simple directions of a federal disclosure form!

Carlson said Thomas “knows a ton of people” and likened her presence at the publication to “a dinner party formula: If you get a lot of interesting people with varied experiences and backgrounds and points of view and put them in one place, they’re apt to provide a pretty interesting evening.”

Or vomit on your pricey new stereo system. Either one, really.

“Ginni is always upbeat, she has an unbelievable amount of energy and enthusiasm and she knows our political system as well as anyone in Washington,” publisher and CEO Neil Patel, a former adviser to Vice President Dick Cheney, said. “We could not imagine a better person to take on this role.”

So true. Now when she calls up Anita Hill out of nowhere at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning to demand an apology for being sooooo attractive (aka slutty) that her hubby Clarence just couldn't stop harassing her with pubic hairs and diet coke, while instructing her to disrobe right there and hop on  his hard, throbbing gavel, it won't be because she's batsh*t crazy, it'll  be because her job demands it!

Hellooooo people, it's called the Daily Caller! I mean it freakin' has Ginni's name written all over it!

So kudos to Ginni and her wonderful new non-secret gig at the Daily Caller. Hopefully, this crack squad team of dedicated, hard-hitting non-journalists will finally answer the pressing, age-old questions on everyone's mind, like where in the world is Barack Hussain Obama's/Barry Soetoro's birth certificate (hint: Kendonesia), why that no-good whore Anita Hill must publicly apologize to Ginni for getting in the way of Clarence Thomas' big black dick, err, docket, I mean docket, and why Teabaggers are the bestest, most freedom 'n Jesus loving, morbidly obese Americans ever to zip around on Socialized Medicare scooters, waving racist, misspelled signs, while shrieking about gays, poors, Muslims, fetuses and dead grandmothers.

So let freedom ring!

Don't worry, Ginni will answer it.

Michele Bachmann: Media Reporting All The Dumb Things I Say Either Proves Liberal Bias, Or That I Am Just An Idiot

Insane Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a few things. Okay, okay, so maybe not where the 1775 battles of Lexington and Concord were fought (Massachusetts, not New Hampshire) or even which state was the one with "the shot heard around the world," (Again, Massachusetts, not New Hampshire), or what the hell New Hampshire is anyway, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love America with all her Jesus-blessed star-spangled heart.

Psst, New Hampshire is the state where the United States Marines raised the flag at Iwo Jima, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon, and of course, Ronnie Reagan declared once and for all, for Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall!

"I made a mistake," she said. "I should've said Massachusetts instead of New Hampshire."

Coulda, shoulda, woulda!

It was an honest mistake, of course, one anyone could make, including a certain terrible no-good Socialist Muslim Terrorist from Kenya, but you would never know about that because "the 3,400 members of the mainstream media are a part of the Obama press contingent."

The God damn arugula eating liberal elitists!

Asked if she was surprised by news reports on her gaffe, Bachmann replied,  "No, not at all. We all know that there's a double standard in the media."

Aww snap! You better believe it!

Bachmann highlighted moments when President Barack Obama misspoke as a candidate. In one instance, in May 2008, then-Sen. Obama said, “Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.”
Later in the day, Obama told reporters that he misspoke.
Bachmann suggested that helps prove a liberal media bias.
“Of course, that wasn’t considered newsworthy,” she said of Obama’s remarks.

Ummm, really? Are you sure about that, Mich? Because that whole totally ignored-by-the-mainstream-media “Obama says there are 57 states” thing turns up about 15,900,000 results on Google. But, "Michele Bachmann is a nutjob" only yields about 36,100 Google search results. So, what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is going on??

This could only mean one thing: there is a widespread pro-Michele Bachmann bias in the evil, elitist Jew-run mainstream radical Muslim homosexual media, and Peter King and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots must immediately investigate all non-white skinned people, shoot all the dirty immigrants, and defund Planned Parenthood before NObama's roving Socialist death panels murder Grandma, the Constitution is replaced by the Koran, and every last U.S. citizen is sold into slavery under Sharia Law.

"So it doesn't matter which conservative is out there, if an error is made, in any way, that is what is stated. They didn't talk about the great crowds, the standing ovations, the wonderful time that we had in New Hampshire. And that is just the way that it goes."

Sigh...

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give to you the one and only, Michele Bachmann: "Making Sarah Palin Look Presidential Since 2010."

And that is just the way it goes!

OMG, Glenn Beck's Deteriorating Ratings (& Mind!) May Get Him Dropped From Fox In A Massive Conspiracy To Stop It From Being The Golden-Voiced Homeless Man Of News Networks

There goes the price of gold gold-plated coins!

The arugula-eating liberal elitists over at the New York Times have peered into their (Swarovski) crystal ball to see what the future holds for America's #1 favoritest golden haired weeping prophet of doom, Glenn Beck, and his one-man amateur puppet show/truth crusade at Fox News.

And much like the fate of humanity, it doesn't look good.

His audience has dropped by a third since his glorious "I Have A Dream" MLK Teabagger rally for white people this summer, most advertisers (not in the faux gold collectible business) won't touch Glenn's increasingly insane George Soros/Planned Parenthood's/Islamic Jihad global conspiracy chalkboard drawing presentations with a ten foot pole, and his ratings among younger viewers are falling precipitously because apparently, only those who drink Ensure and wear Depends are comforted by a raging paranoid schizophrenic madman with delusions of grandeur shrieking at them about the impending death and destruction, thanks to Muslims, abortionists, Socialist presidents from Kenya, and of course, the Jews.

Could this really be the end of the blessed Jesus-approved union between one manic depressive madman and one womanizing faux news network of washed up former Hooters waitresses and shameless rightwing propaganda?

New York Times reporter David Carr explains:

Mr. Beck, a conservative Jeremiah and talk-radio phenomenon, burst into television prominence in 2009 by taking the forsaken 5 p.m. slot on Fox News and turning it into a juggernaut...He achieved unheard-of ratings, swamped the competition and at times seemed to threaten the dominion of Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity at Fox.
But a funny thing happened on the way from the revolution. Since last August, when he summoned more than 100,000 followers to the Washington mall for the “Restoring Honor” rally, Mr. Beck has lost over a third of his audience on Fox — a greater percentage drop than other hosts at Fox. True, he fell from the great heights of the health care debate in January 2010, but there has been worrisome erosion — more than one million viewers — especially in the younger demographic.
He still has numbers that just about any cable news host would envy and, with about two million viewers a night, outdraws all his competition combined. But the erosion is significant enough that Fox News officials are willing to say — anonymously, of course; they don’t want to be identified as criticizing the talent — that they are looking at the end of his contract in December and contemplating life without Mr. Beck.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait just a second! His audience has fallen by a third since his magical Teabagger rally this summer??

So I guess a miracle really did occur that day! A large percentage of Glenny's audience has fallen and can't get up!

But the big question remains, why was no one wearing their life alerts why force this blue-eyed, baby-faced, intellectual savior and messenger of truth off television, now?

The problem with “Glenn Beck” is that it has turned into a serial doomsday machine that’s a bummer to watch. 
What had been a fast and loose assault on all things liberal has grown darker and less entertaining, especially with the growing revolution in the Middle East, a phenomenon Mr. Beck sees as something of a beginning to some kind of end. He’s often alone in the studio with his chalkboards and obscure factoids, a setting that reminds me of an undergrad seminar on macroeconomics with an around-the-bend professor I didn’t particularly enjoy. 

Or a 2001 Academy Award winner starring Russell Crowe?

As he grabbed all the disparate strands from around the globe and tied them into a great, grand bow of doom, he ambled alone between various blackboards, each jammed with portentous bullet points. He often looked away from the camera into a middle distance as he spoke of a calamity that only he can see.
“He used to be a lot funnier,” said David Von Drehle, who wrote the article in Time magazine. “He was the befuddled everyman and something entirely new, but the longer people have listened to his ranting and raving, the wearier they become. Now you are just getting down to diehards. I mean, how many people were in the Waco compound at the end? A couple of hundred?” 

Oh what, you think every mentally ill schmuck with basic cable gets to join the Rapture??

Joel Cheatwood, a senior vice president of development for Fox News and the executive in charge of the show, thinks it’s silly to suggest that the American viewing public’s romance with Mr. Beck is on the wane — he’s trouncing his competition — but says that keeping the show upbeat is something he discusses with Mr. Beck.
“We have talked about that, at his instigation,” Mr. Cheatwood said. “It is really important that no matter how dire he thinks things are or what horrible direction things may be going from his perspective that the show maintains a sense of hope.”
“What you see on television with Glenn is the real guy,” he added, “and that is a double-edged sword. If he is upset about something, you see it.”

With all that Vick's VapoRub he poured into his peepers, you God damn better!

Poor Beckerheads. Where will they get their daily dose of the absurd, incoherent ramblings of a syphilitic mind now?

Sarah Palin's Twitter? Charlie Sheen's Tiger Korner?

But still, Beck remained thankful.

“Two years ago, I was on a cable channel that no one was watching at the time, doing a show that no one was watching, and I was about to leave television. And then I had the opportunity to come and work here,” he said. “If you’re going to do news or commentary, the only place, I think in the world, the only place that really makes an impact is Fox.”

In the same way that a massive asteroid slamming into Planet Earth made "an impact" on the dinosaurs.

Sarah Palin's State Of Her Living Room Address To A Grieving Nation (Psst: Jews Eat Christian Babies!)

Everyone knows that the real victim of the recent tragedy in Arizona isn't the innocent little 9-year-old girl who was shot dead, the young Democratic congresswoman in critical condition with a bullet lodged inside her brain, or even any of the 20 other individuals killed or wounded at the hands of a Glock-totin' desert dwelling madman. Heavens, no!

The real victim of this unspeakable tragedy is none other than, Sarah Palin, of course! Why, just think of all the terrible, awful things she's had to endure at the hands of the evil (JEW-RUN) lamestream media simply because she, the Ice Queen of Alaska, occasionally puts maps with gun crosshairs targeting specific politicians on the internets. Err, at least when she isn't Tweetin' 'bout "Homos" and killin' the Mexicans, Muslims, and other scary M-word minorities Americans must hate for freedom and Jesus, that is!

Without further ado, ladies and gentleman, I present to you Sarah Palin, President of having no real job except exploiting horny old white men and dumb-as-doorknobs women with as many kids as shotguns, by spreading hate and fear of everyone but themselves, for money, speaking from her living room fireplace in Wasilla.

Quick, Piper, start the camera rolling in 3...2...1, now!



Ahem, thank you for your applause America. Even in a time of tragedy, you still find time to praise me! You're too kind, really! Except for those bastard liberals, pundits, and journylists blood libelin' me, accusin' me of causing crazy people to do crazy things with guns. Those haters 'n has-beens have better be careful. Because if they do not watch out, I will literally put the scope of my huntin' rifle on another member of Congress. I will do it, so help me God. Socialism.

Let's get one thing straight here. There is nothing, I said, NOTHING wrong with former half-term Governors of the Arctic Circle/Guardians of Russia and current reality teevee stars using interactive map hit lists with gun crosshairs aimed at vulnerable congressmen and women because everyone knows "Take up your arms' means voting."

Besides, it was a good map! I mean, it did have like all 50 states on there, not to mention beautiful color graphics in case a person wanted to print it out and take it with them while traveling on say, a murder spree across the continental U.S. of A. Isn't freedom just the absolute goshdarn bestest!?

"And we certainly must not be deterred by those who embrace evil and call it good."

Sweet Jesus no! We must give these people reality teevee shows, pour moose piles of money and undeserved attention on them, and then get shot in the head by one of their crazy, 'merican flag-wrapped followers all in the name of freedom!

Remember people, we must never let the random acts of one deranged apolitical criminal turn us against each other, because what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks do you think Sarah is here for?

Oooh, good start Sar! But enough about those pesky, n'er-do-well, Christ killin' Jews. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! Back to me, me, me, ME, ME, ME!

So how's that whole hatey, killy, reloady, crosshairsy, blood libely thing workin' out for ya?

Just like Clockwork Glockwork. Wink, wink.

Oh, you betcha!!

Eric Cantor & GOP Productions Present The Official Freshmen Survival Guide Warning Dumb, New Republicans Not To Pull Usual Dumb, Old Tricks

Between hours of boring lectures on the floor by day and secret orgies with orange Boehners by night, Congress can be a very scary place!

Good thing the #2 ranked House Republican, but #1 most caring member, Rep. Eric Cantor of Virginia, is looking out for his fellow incoming Grand Old Party members still enjoying Freshman orientation to make sure they don't do anything dumb and stupid to fuck up everything for everyone, before he and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots even get a chance to do that themselves.

It's called "Hit the Ground Running," and tucked into Eric Cantor's Official Freshmen Guide is 144 pages of helpful hints and tips for the new kids on how to avoid your basic missteps, mishaps, Minneapolis airport men's rooms, DC Madam prostitution rings, screw-ups, or even so much as the appearance of fuck-uppery in the eyes of lecherous librul reporters. (Ooops, looks like at least one frosh clearly forgot to read his Official Freshmen Guide in time).

In the introduction, Cantor writes, “A new member’s first term is critically important, especially for those whom have just won with a narrow margin. This manual is designed to get you on the right track right off the bat and will help you avoid common early mistakes and pitfalls.” (Here's lookin' at you Mr. Newly elected Rep. Andy "I Hate ObamaCare, Now Give Me My Free Gubmint Health Care" Harris.)

Examples of the wisest words of wisdom:

• "Read and re-read the U.S. Constitution." (Apparently, it is all the rage these days! Those Teabag people will simply not shut up about it!)
• "Don't be afraid to say, 'No.'" (Umm, duh! It's 'Yes" that should make you run screaming for your legislative life).
• "Don't try to learn everything on day one." (Haha, don't be silly, Eric! They've never learned anything in one day, let alone everything there is to know about bein' a lawmaker in one fell swoop).

But, okay! We got it! Err, wait, we're supposed to say, "no," right? Unless that's one of those things we're not supposed to learn on day one. Ugh, make up your darn mind already, Cantor!

Another “Insider Tip” states, “It is not uncommon these days for members to be quizzed on the Constitution at town halls and other constituent meetings. The more constitutional knowledge that you obtain, the better.”

So, umm a word to the wise, don't go pulling a Christine O'Donnell now, capisce?

Don't hire commies, spies, or anyone not a perfect, beautiful Republican:

The manual also stresses that hiring members of the GOP is vital: "Hire Republicans: Loyalty Matters and it will be extremely difficult to engender loyalty if staffers are not committed to your philosophy. A non-Republican is likely to be unhappy working for you."

Wait the Republicans have an actual philosophy?? Other than be white, rich, and believe in the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to stop that terrible, no-good, secret Muslim terrorist Socialist Barack Hussein Obama. It's like they always say, if it ain't rich white and male, it's time to let that baby sail!

Oh, and also watch out for the lamestream media lurking in the shadows with questions ready and cameras rolling. Same goes for those smart alec bloggers always lookin' to start trouble for innocent lawmakers, particularly Grand Old Patriotic ones who get caught doing the very terrible, Godless things they're always ranting about.

“Certain members of the media will be looking to ‘ambush’ unsuspecting freshmen as they walk to the Capitol to vote. A way to avoid dealing with members of the press: go underground when heading to the House floor for votes. If it’s a contentious issue and you don’t wish to be interviewed, then take the tunnel.”

So many rules, so many traps! The life of a congressman sure can be perilous!

“Be cognizant that you are often on TV when on the House floor. Checking of e-mails on your BlackBerry can often wind up in the press,” one 'Insider Tip' states.

"Always assume you're on camera when you are in the Chamber. Even if you are simply looking at your cell phone, you might appear to be asleep. It's happened to other members." (Advice from Rep. Gregg Harper, R-Miss.)

And take it from Cantor, you can end up looking like a real douchebag if you're not careful.

Ethics is touched on throughout the book: “It is important to keep in mind that even if you haven’t violated any rules, the appearance of impropriety can be just as damaging. So always be certain that everything you do as a member is — and appears to be — above board,” the manual states.

But really more the "appears to be" part.

“If you don’t want to see an activity or event reported on the front page of the local newspaper, don’t do it.” 

That goes for beating up your wife, mistress, or even the prostitute you picked up on the corner. Also, sex acts involving diapers and/or soliciting cops in airport bathrooms are strongly discouraged.

On “Being an Effective Floor Member,” the manual recommends that members know the answer to two important questions before casting a vote on the House floor: “Be prepared for two eventual questions every time you cast your vote on the House floor: did you read the bill, and is it constitutional?”

Obviously, since it is Republicans we're talking about, the answer should be "no," and "hell no," respectively.

Under legislative goals, the House GOP leadership urges caution: “If your legislation creates a new program, or increases spending, stop and ask yourself [if] it’s worth borrowing 40 cents of every dollar spent.”

Only for war, my friends, only for war. Well, that and undercover sex orgies, gay or otherwise.

Isn't college congress great?

Scholar Sarah Palin Gives America's Lamestream Media A Wink & Very Important Lesson In Journalism

Never-ending nightmare, glorified nature guide and possible 2012 presidential candidate Sarah Palin went on the only fair and balanced network in all the lamestream media, Fox News, to tell its decidedly unbiased host Sean Hannity all the sensible reasons why she, Sarah Louise Palin, will not bother speaking to biased interviewers like Katie Couric or answer any of their biased, gotcha! questions like "what newspapers do you read?" because of all the bias 'n stuff.

After all, Sarah is a journalist.

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree. I studied journalism, who, what, where, when, and why of reporting," Sarah said, trying her very hardest to remember the Five Ws she scribbled on the palm of her hand while a student at University of Hawaii at Hilo, Hawaii Pacific University, North Idaho College, Matanuska-Susitna College, University of Idaho, err, one of the five colleges she attended in six years.

"I will speak to reporters who still understand that cornerstone of our democracy, that expectation that the public has for truth to be reported.  And then we get to decide our own opinion based on the facts reported to us," Sarah added, channeling the very journalistic integrity that defined her pivotal Pulitzer prize-worthy months-long stint as a sports reporter for the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman.

“So a journalist, a reporter who is so biased and will, no doubt, spin and gin up whatever it is that I have to say to create controversy, I swear to you, I will not my waste my time with her. Or him."

Hear that all you arugula eating librul mainstream media elites with your hoity-toity grammar rules ginnin' up whatever it is Sarah has to say to create controversy or even an actual coherent sentence in the English language because of some crazy notion that word order and syntax are not optional.

“As for doing an interview, though, with a reporter who already has such a bias against whatever it is that I would come out and say? Why waste my time? No."

Like say if for some reason she couldn't answer hard-hitting, almost impossible questions like, "What's your favorite moose recipe?" "Where's Waldo?" or "When it comes to establishing your world view, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read?" and the interviewer kept pressing her because maybe they had a bias against stupid Alaskan flakes (not the snow kind) seriously attempting to be vice-president.

Well, no thank you, ma'am! Besides, the only thing she reads is her own unbiased Facebook page, so take that, Katie, you smug little smarty pants with your big words, functioning brain, and more than special needs command of the English language.

Not to mention, Katie Couric's not even on Fox, and everyone knows Jesus died for our sins so unqualified politicians plucked from the middle of nowhere could go on round-the-clock right wing propaganda machines instead of actual news programs that expect you to answer their simple, straightforward questions, not wink and grunt non sequiturs.

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism."

Sarah, stupid? Haha! That's unpossible!

Dang media elites!

What she really meant to say was: "Me want fix to help news media the mess it is today since learn I good journalism."

Sarah Palin my name is, and this, I approve, message.

Sarah Palin Is Confident She Can Beat Barack Obama; Good Thing Sarah Palin's Reality Only Exists On TV

OMG America, did you hear the awesome, exciting, Earth-shattering news?? Sarah Louise Palin, the Sarah Louise Palin of the Snowy North, is "seriously considering" running for President of the world in 2012!?

WOOHOO!!!

Oh, and no need to wish her luck either because SarBear is simply positive she'll have no trouble beating that no-good Barack NObama has-been come election time. Mama Grizzly to the rescue!

We know this, of course, because sweet Sarah took a five minute break from her pre-scripted, faux reality teevee existence shrieking 'bout freedom while kayaking with feral Grizzly bears on a melting Alaskan ice glacier to go on a different teevee show, just so she could let Barbara Walters and the whole wide world know how, in in the deep, dark vast frozen Arctic nothingness that is her mind, she is confident she can unseat Barack Obama (from his throne) and return America to its glory days of war, bankruptcy and dumb white presidents with half a brain who suspiciously mispronounce alarmingly simple words.

Is Sarah Palin qualified to be president? Ummm, well, no, not really at all, except in the sense that she is technically, a human being born in the "United States," since the abandoned frozen meth lab known as her hometown Wasilla is still apparently part of America.

What Sarah is qualified to do, however, is appear on as many teevee shows, gossip blogs, Fox News programs, newspapers, and lamestream media outlets as is physically possible for an unemployed grifter with no actual skills to speak of except the unique ability to irritate just about everyone with a working pulse to cram into a single day.

Like Barbara Walters for instance:

"I'm looking at the lay of the land now, and ... trying to figure that out, if it's a good thing for the country, for the discourse, for my family, if it's a good thing," Palin said in an interview as part of Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People" of 2010.
Asked Walters: "If you ran for president, could you beat Barack Obama?"
"I believe so," Palin said.

For what it's worth, she also believes that refudiate is a word and Jesus created the world with a wink, "you betcha!" and single, powerful wave of his magic oil-coated miracle wand.

It could be that Sarah is simply confusing "running for president" with "starring in some dumb reality teevee show" when she expressed the belief that she, Sarah Louise could defeat Barack Hussein in anything, let alone an actual election, instead of, say, Nielsen sweeps week.

But would sweet Sarah really abandon her simple, snowbilly lifestyle and quit bein' free on her Alaskan teevee show to do something silly and unimportant like run for president? Because everyone knows, quit is not a word S.P. uses on Twitter, Facebook, or anywhere else she conducts her very substantive policy debates in 140 characters or less.

"I’m engaged in the internal deliberations candidly, and having that discussion with my family, because my family is the most important consideration here," Sarah said.

That's right. Sarah's decision to waste everyone's time running for (and losing!) the presidency is one that will be made by her family, the single most importantest thing in the world for her to parade around, exploit, dress in gorilla costume on primetime tv, and make even more moose piles of money off of, like a real American patriot.

But just in case Sarah isn't just spewing whatever nonsense pops into her vapid, petty mind so people will still pay attention to her, and is actually seriously contemplating a White House bid, perhaps we, the public, can help her decide whether her hypothetical candidacy for President is a "good thing" for "the country" (it's not), a good thing for "the discourse" (whatever that means, still, nope though), or a good thing for her "family" (eh, probably not good for them either, but seriously, who even knows what's best for Willow, Bristol and the other weirdly named Palin spawn at this point. Suicide? Exile? Chastity belts?).

All America needs to do to realize why this country needs Sarah Barracuda at its next President is to check out the new pages from her forthcoming memoir/abortion of the written word, America By Heart, leaked by the terrible, elitist arugula eating lamestream media, where Sarah proves her presidential worth by ranting against immoral, "self-esteem-enhanced but talent deprived" reality TV stars not named Bristol, while celebrating  former pregnant teenage sluts turned abstinence crusaders named Bristol, and of course, her favoritest thing in the world (other than herself!): not aborting special needs precious li'l miracles named Trig.

But sometimes undeserved fame and fortune can be sooooooo difficult!

"Let's just go back to Wasilla and stop feeding the media beast," Sarah imagines herself saying in her new picture book for patriots. "Let's give ourselves and our family a break."

Noooooooooo! Please, please Sarah! All of America, no, make that the world, is begging you, pleading with you to stay in the Godless Lower 48, so we can have the privilege of marveling at Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin's National Reality Teevee Fantasy Extravaganza in which America is the bestest, most freedom-lovingest, God-blessed nation ever to grace the face of the Earth that can smart-bomb all the gross, dirty Muslims our collective star 'n striped hearts desire.

Because you betcha Sarah will not be silenced!

She will continue goin' on teevee, fightin' for fetuses to get their very own not-at-all bizarre "I'm glad you're here" book dedications from their proud mothers congratulating these soon-to-be-birthed special needs miracles on earning the right to exit their mother's wombs so they too can be exploited for mama's personal and professional gain.

Because if it’s good Television, it’s good for America.

And even Sarah knows you can't spell America without "ME."

Fox News Sued For Being Terrible, Racist Propaganda Peddlers, Aka Fox News

Fox News is a place where angry white men, unstable, born again recovering alcoholic/drug addicts turned gold hawking Mormon Messiahs, and washed up, bitter, fake blonde ex-Hooters waitresses go to make a quick buck blurting out whatever terrible, racist stuff about blacks, Arabs, Muslims, Mexicans, gays, women, Jews, gross poor people, that demon child NObama, elitist liberals, and anyone who isn't white, rich, and dumb as Doocy, as obnoxious and often as the constant 24-hour news cycle allows.

Which, as it turns out, is a lot! Because America's favoritest Fox News isn't just a place where people get paid 'n promoted for spewing hateful lies about minority misfits like dumb women who don't even dabble in witchcraft or spend their days convincing people not to touch the sinful place between their legs, or arugula-eating elitists whose brains function above special needs level.

It's also where a moderate black man with a Hispanic name can go to get fired from his day job as an actual reporter at a respectable news outlet for saying awful, bigoted stuff about Muslims, or say, the one black employee can get constantly harassed and discriminated against 'round the clock before suing the bejesus out of the company for everyone being racist assholes all around him, all the time.

Ooooh, sounds Foxy!

Harmeen Jones, a 32-year old Fox News technician (and token "black man") says he was fired from the network last year after complaining to Human Resources about the daily barrage of offensive remarks about anyone not perfectly snow white and Christian he endured while working at the most fair and balanced network in all the world, Fox News.

He's suing for $3 million, and claims he was even physically threatened by one employee, Damien Rodriguez, who got in his face and said, "I’m the reason you got hired, and if it wasn’t for me you’d be fired. You must think I’m a punk, we can take this to the streets."

Hmmm, is this because all black people are strong, scrappy types who settle their disputes the manly stud way, with two fists in the middle of a crowded intersection? Who knows? Could be, if Papa Bear says it is God damn it!

Here's a sample of some of the Fox News fun Jones had the distinct privilege of experiencing!

• While watching footage from a Tea Party rally, one colleague allegedly opined, "This is what happens when you mess with white people's health care."
• During the 2008 presidential campaign, Jones says two of his coworkers said they wouldn't feel comfortable having a black president. At that point one of men turned to him and allegedly asked, "Am I offending your blackness?"
• Jones also claims that on another occasion he was told, "You look like a gangster" and "You look like you're ready to shoot someone."

Jones also says his co-workers pretended not to hear him when he made transmission requests, and that his superiors denied his requests for paid training, while giving other, less senior white employees paid training. And when he finally complained to Human Resources, his co-workers called him a "snitch" and he was promptly called by Steve Cary, the Director of Operations, who allegedly told him, "We gave you a chance and you repay us by making complaints to HR? You are terminated."

Hasta la vista, blacky!

Because over at Fox News, the only color that matters is $weet green, so long as you're not some uppity negro crying racism every time some white network exec discriminates against you because of said blackness. Buck up Junior! This isn't MSNBC.

You wanna play with the big boys you better start acting like one! That means brush up on your hatred, practice reciting the 101 reasons why everyone should be terrified of evil Muslims (that every Fox News employee receives in their welcome packet!), and for Christ's sake, figure out a way to cover up that hideous chocolatey skin color of yours before you make everyone uncomfortable with such obvious, in-your-face blackness. It's just downright rude!

I mean seriously, who does Fox News have to screw (over?) to find a nice colored fellow with the decency to at least act like a white man, or enough dignity to let everyone else feel comfortable in their own white supremacist skin, when going about their daily task scaring the bejesus out of America, as the most popular #1 news program and Jesus-blessed, race-baiting, terrorist organization ever to grace the face of God's once pure, once all-white, now worthless, minority-muddled brown Earth.

Cause who needs facts when you've got fear?

Faux News: All The News That's Fit To (Mis)print!

Too Bad For Christine O'Donnell (But Good For The Rest Of Us!) The Wicked Witch Of Delaware Couldn't Cast A Spell Making Her Own Dumb, Idiot Self Disappear

Christine O'Donnell is not a witch (maybe). She's you! If you too happen to be an unstable, crazy D-list airhead who, instead of masturbating like some deviant whore, spends your ample spare time blurting out as many outrageously dumb, offensive things to piss off as many A, B & C-list celebrities as is humanly wiccanly possible on nationally televised shows like Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher that don't go poof! when you wiggle your nose

I mean seriously, who among us hasn't spent most of the 90s enraging Ben Affleck and/or Danny Bonaduce with a hairdo so hideous the only solution for distracting a person from having to look at this eyesore mop is the continuous stream of asinine bullshit coming out of their equally dumb, hideous mouth??

Exactly!

I, for one, cannot even count on both hands, the number of times I've gotten into screaming matches with Jimmy Kimmel, Sisqó or made Al Franken so vein-poppin' mad that they came thisclose to physically slapping the dumb smirk right off my stupid face!

In fact, I don't even think a person has truly lived until the very sight of their face is enough to invoke automatic gag reflexes in anyone within a 30-foot radius. Fortunately, Christine understands this. So well in fact that she's basically mastered the art of repelling every other carbon-based, oxygen breathing specimen without even so much as casting a single spell from her handy pocket-sized Wiccan handbook of incantations, given to her as a gift from Delaware's high witch of the underworld.

All Christine has to do is open that sweet mouth of hers, part those two perfectly shaded lips (like Moses!) and let the organic human repellent known as her retarded beliefs or whatever demented words that tiny little brain thinks of now, do the rest. Almost like magic!

Some of Miss O'Donnell's highlights lowlights:

• "She says that every time on this show, that condoms wouldn't protect you," says Maher. "Well no one else is saying it," says O'Donnell. "That's because no one else is nuts like you," says Maher. Point, Maher.
• "I'm going nuts with you people," an exasperated future-Senator Al Franken proclaims. And this coming from a man who isn't afraid to don a diaper and bunny ears in the name of comedy!
• "When men go into these strip joints, and testosterone is pouring out the eyeballs, what do you think they're gonna do?" asks O'Donnell. Oh, so that's where babies come from?? Silly me, I always thought it was the magic Jesus stork!
• "You have to tell me about the ex-homosexuals," author Clive Barker asked O'Donnell.
• "If she says Jews for Jesus, I'm gonna hit her," says magician Penn Jillet. Ooooh, please say Jews for Jesus, please say Jews for Jesus!
• "I'm begging you stop for one second," says Affleck. "Ten more seconds to make my point," O'Donnell says. "I'm begging you, I just want to ask you one question," Affleck says. "Yeah, get on your knees," says O'Donnell. "She says she didn't like sex, but..." says Affleck, who then had to restrain himself from smacking the witch, oops, make that the bitch, straight across the face. Here's the thing Christine, you can't both be against sex, while at the same eye-fucking every good-looking guy thisclose to spitting on your dumb face, courtesy of your idiot antics.
• "You would look amazing in a black bathing suit," comedian Steven Wright tells O'Donnell. Even better in a black cloak, pointy black hat, black f*ck-me boots, & of course, the obligatory pentagram necklace and/or vial of virgin blood.
• "Are you for anything fun?" asks Bonaduce. "Yes, I am for having fun!" says O'Donnell.

Oh hahahaha! Of course, Christine is all for having fun! But not the fun your sick, twisted, impure, non-witchcraft dabbling self is used to having, like say the kind that involves friends, alcohol, evil coitus, and any type of sinful private-part rubbing.

Or, for that matter, any other immoral, non-O'Donnell sanctioned activity that doesn't involve a bubbling black cauldron, a dozen live newts (or just one of the horrible Gingrich variety!), and/or a whole coven of anti-masturbation misfits who know the path to enlightenment is paved with sexual suppression, Jesus Christ, one part bat whiskers, two parts mummified toenails, a cup of black cat fat, two teaspoons of vampire blood, a pinch of gargoyle sweat, a handful of troll teeth, three cups broom sweepings, and a dash of Lizard gizzards.

Bleeding (liberal) heart, optional.

C'mon, Does This Look Like The Face Of A Crazy Witch To You?

Sarah Palin's 140-Character Response To "Goofball Media's" Damning Article? "Cake Ink," Duh!

File under YAWN:

Okay fine, so that Vanity Fair piece about how Sarah Palin is really some sort of temper-tantrum throwing monster who doesn't even write her own tweets(!), was sort of poorly sourced (albeit still fun!), but that doesn't make it any less damning does it?

The answer is no, no it most certainly does not!

Even her Arctic highness felt compelled to respond via her now (in)famous ability to squeeze indecipherable nonsense into 140-character blasts of idiocy, and give those "media goofballs" a li'l piece of her sharp (ghostwritten) mind!

But just one question, Sar, what the hell is "cake ink?" No one seems to know, not even Merriam-Webster, but maybe we could ask li'l Trigger??

Of course, Sarah does have a point "re: Bristol=a diva." Why does the lamestream media just assume celebrated unwed teenage mother Bristol is a distinguished opera singer? Have they ever even trekked up to the Upper One and asked her to sing, on the spot, that "Un bel di vedremo" aria from Puccini's Madame Butterfly?? Because if they did, surely they would know that Bristy has problems reaching the customary range for lyric sopranos, from middle C to high D, full-throated, with timbre and dynamic control.

Ha ha, ya goofballs!

But anyway, back to the lamestream media's Vanity Fair article, which perfectly captures the life of professional huckster, Arctic drifter, and petty fame-whore Sarah Louise Palin by comparing it to a decrepit onion: "Anywhere you peel back the skin of Sarah Palin’s life, a sad and moldering strangeness lies beneath."

Ah yes, nothing new there. But dig a little further my friends, and the pungent, tear-inducing aroma of the rotten vegetable that is Sarah Palin's entire existence rears its ugly head (kinda like the goofball journylists?) and starts to unravel, much like her chances of winning an actual election, anywhere outside the frozen Arctic tundra and fearless Russian buffer zone called Alaska.

To some such goofball types in the media, like Politico's Ben Smith, the Vanity Fair article," embellished almost beyond recognition" is nothing more than a portrait of "Sarah Palin as monster," which he is implying, we suppose, she is not.

Hmmm, interesting stance to take, Ben.

"The Vanity Fair story also focuses on Palin's temper, which may well be a real quality but can't be quite as out-of-control as its portrayed: It isn't something the campaign staff — even the large number of them who derided her as lazy, undisciplined or unready — complained of."

Oh no? That's funny, cause I, too, always thought she got her various Mama Grizzly/Barracuda/deadly predator nicknames for being a loving, docile creature, as gentle as a little lamb, who wouldn't so much as hurt a fly!

"But my takeaway from the magazine piece is more that you can really write anything about Palin," he added.

So true, Ben! But then again, that could be because she is actually a monster, and thus any and all actions indicating such monstrosity is possible, likely even. Or maybe it is simply because she is actually everything, both the hockeymom maverick and feminist pitbull (who may or may not also be Jesus Christ in lipstick), depending on which group o' patriotic Teabaggers and/or fundamentalists are paying her moose piles of money to speak off the palm of her hand now.

But with literal pages to choose from, which juicy, ridiculous bits of crazy shall we pick? Among the funnier nuggets:

When John McCain decided to pull out of Michigan, a decision Palin disagreed with, Recher and Palin hatched a plan one day to make an early-morning drive to Michigan anyway. The Secret Service, becoming aware of the plan, asked the McCain campaign what it should do. The answer came: “Shoot out the tires.”

Oh HAHAHAHA, isn't it just too funny when two grown adults sharing a presidential ticket (and possible leaders of the free world) descend into nearly open civil wars at the end of their pathetic, losing campaign? Downright hilarious actually!

Turns out, our star of the Snowy North is almost as generous a tipper as she is at conducting unscripted interviews involving complex policy discussions.

"Palin does not always treat those ordinary people well, however—it depends on who is watching. Of the many famous people who have stayed at the Hyatt in Wichita (Cher, Reba McEntire, Neil Young), Sarah Palin ranks as the all-time worst tipper: $5 for seven bags. But the bellhops had it good in Kansas, compared with the bellman at another midwestern hotel who waited up until past midnight for Palin and her entourage to check in—and then got no tip at all for 10 bags. He was stiffed again at checkout time. The same went for the maids who cleaned Palin’s rooms in both places—no tip whatsoever."

Ugh, the ingrates! Umm, just be thankful you still have your limbs, okay? 'Cause one more peep from your ungrateful lips and SarBear will be more than happy to rip one of those appendages clean off! How's that for a tip??

Oh, and Sarah is such a good mother, not only was eldest daughter, and current Public Service Announcement star, Bristol, pregnant before she graduated high school, another one of her children was already failing in school when Sarah was announced as McCain’s pick. Which one you ask?? Probably not Trig, who despite the whole special needs thing, may just be the most competent one of the bunch.

Let's see what else...Oh yeah, her awesome ability to murder innocent mammals from both the cold, snow-packed ground, and from a helicopter 15,000 feet in the air:

“This whole hunter thing, for Sarah? That is the biggest fallacy,” says one longtime friend of the family. “That woman has never hunted. The picture of her with the caribou she says she shot? She got out of the R.V. to pose for a picture. She never helps with the fishing either. It’s all a joke.” The friend goes on to recall that when Greta Van Susteren came to the house to interview Palin “[Sarah] cooked moose chili and whatnot. Todd was calling everyone he knew the day before—‘Do you got any moose?’ Desperate.”

Next time, why not just take one of the countless dead and stuffed carcasses decorating the home office, plunk that badboy in a boiling pot of water, and voila! authentic Alaskan supper is served!

And then there's the horrible, Earth shattering news that Sarah Palin probably doesn’t even use her own brilliant mind to write those crazy tweets and semi-coherent Facebook rants. NOOOOOOO! Say it ain't so, please say it ain't so. The fate of the Internets rests upon it!

After she hired a Conservatives4Palin blogger as a consultant, suddenly Miss Thang's social networking communication skills went from boring, dull rambling gibberish to super-exciting, sassy rambling gibberish.

But her voice, or at least a voice that sounds much like hers, was about to turn up in another venue. When it was first set up, in January 2009, Palin’s Facebook page might as well have been a file cabinet for official press releases (“Palin Pushes Parental Consent Legislation”) written mostly in a stiff, third-person form. The same was true of her Twitter feed, which went live in April. After Mansour’s voice disappeared on C4P, however, Palin’s voice on Facebook and Twitter started sounding increasingly provocative and irascible… Palin’s virtual voice does sometimes have the ring of authenticity. But often it sounds less like Palin herself than someone else’s fantasy version of Palin at her most vitriolic. On one occasion Palin’s virtual voice contradicted remarks she made in a TV interview two days later.

Probably, the cake ink's fault!

But, alas, all of the nation (and world!) can rejoice knowing that the dream of Sarah Palin as President of Real America may soon be reality. And not just the kind of reality that has Levi & Bristol sledding to the altar on primetime teevee, the other, real-life kind of reality!

When Devon calls to tell her that Glenn Beck has booked the Dena’ina Center, the largest venue in Anchorage, for a speech on September 11, 2010, she sits bolt upright and yells. Immediately, they start trying to figure out what the news might mean. “Listen, listen, listen: Why in the world do you imagine Glenn Beck would come to Anchorage on 9/11? You think he might have a special guest? With a special announcement? Oh,” she says, her whole face falling as the implications of a Palin campaign kickoff hit her, “Jesus Christ.”

OMG, Woohoo! Socialist fist bumps all around! Grab a (Joe) six pack, your favoritest moose casserole recipe, and fire up the Twitters, this Arctic missile's ready to BaROCK that evil arugula eating Socialist Muslim terrorist right out of office and back to the Kenyan wilderness where he belongs.

Or in Sarahspeak: "A cackle of rads," "Media goofballs," "Cake ink," The End.

Hooray, America is special (needs) once again!

Ugh, Why Won't Obama Walk Around With His Birth Certificate Plastered On His Forehead, Or At Least A Tea Bag To Blend In?

If you thought being a black man in America was hard, try being a black president in America and let me know how that feels. You can't even begin to imagine the kind of nonsense the dude has to go through every single f-ing day, and that's not even including Orange Boehners in Congress, BP spillin' baby spillin' oil every which way, Bush's final "F You" to America (in the form of no jobs and no money), a war on terror in Afghanistan, a war on brown colored Mexican-y looking people in Arizona, a war on gross Muslims near Ground Zero and everywhere else within a million square miles, and all the bajillion other terrible things threatening to destroy our country now. (Fox News? A Republican majority?)

Just look at what the citizens of the bestest, most amazingest, God & freedom-lovingest nation ever to grace the face of the Earth think about that weird, dark man with the funny name now.

Eighteen percent of Americans think Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. Twenty-seven percent believe he "probably" or "definitely" wasn't born in the good ol' US of A, but somewhere far, far away like Kendonesia or something, and still Obama doesn't feel the slightest bit compelled to prove he is in fact a dumb, white Christian born in the middle of an Iowan cornfield like the rest of the Birther nation, who are not at all racist, just naturally suspicious of this black Hussein fellow claiming to be president.

While in New Orleans to commemorate something about Bush hating black people so much he drowned an entire city, President Barack Hussein Obama had the pleasure of sitting down with mainstream media extraordinaire Brian Williams to discuss what is really important (certainly not some dumb French city!) like whether it's true what everyone's saying, how he is really a secret Muslim terrorist Kenyan, etc?

Obama took a deep breath to gather his thoughts when asked if the poll reflected his inability to communicate with voters, "The facts are the facts. We went through some of this during the campaign — there is a mechanism, a network of misinformation that in a new media era can get churned out there constantly,” said a visibly annoyed Obama, referring to “birthers,” who have waged a guerrilla campaign questioning either the existence or the validity of his Hawaiian birth certificate.

“I will always put my money on the American people, and I’m not going to be worried too much about what rumors are floating around there.”

But what about the poll numbers, Barry! Brian wants to know why so many people don't know what he really is, like does he go to an actual Jesus Church? Or is he really a radical Muslim or Socialist Pagan Demoncrat like the polls say? And doesn't that make El Presidente nervous?

"I can't spend all of my time with my birth certificate plastered on my forehead."

And why may I ask is that? Because it doesn't exist?? Hmmm, is that it, Barry Soetero? Were you even born at all, or hatched from some primordial egg down in your real birth place in the SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL?

What other, terrible un-American, meany things did alleged president "Barack Hussein Obama" have to say during this sweet, sit down chit-chat with actual elitist, arugula-eating news person Brian Williams?

What?? He didn't watch Fox News superstar and maybe-going-blind gold-coin salesman Glenn Lee Beck's "Restoring Honor" rally to reclaim Martin Luther King's dream for freedom and a re-segregated America?

Haha, L-O-S-E-R!

What, were you too busy frolicking on Martha's Vineyard and "being focused on the long term, not on the Nightly News" to watch American legends Glenn Beck & Sarah Palin take back America with their loyal militia of obese people motorin' around on medicare scooters and mutterin' bout taxes, immigrants, and how the big bad gubmint's comin' for their guns?

“It’s not surprising that someone like a Mr. Beck is able to stir up a certain portion of [the American people]...That’s been true throughout our history.”

No duh! Why else would they be dressed in colonial costumes, waving Teabags around if they weren't fighting for the freedom to ignore the Constitution, if it means dirty A-rabs are allowed to build houses of worship (aka mosques, gasp!) in this country too?

No terror temples in their backyards, just mega churches and good, old fashioned American traditions like Koran burning bonfires and hate rallies!

Too bad Obama won't just mindlessly discriminate against Muslims and abandon the Constitution whenever dumb white mobs would like him to! He even thinks the 'slims should be able to build a dreaded mosque and community center near the sacred ground of an abandoned, old Burlington Coat Factory, and he's not even wilting in the face of criticism!

“I didn’t walk it back it all,” he said. “I was very specific with my team...The core value and principle that every American is treated the same doesn’t change. … At [a White House Ramadan celebration], I had Muslim Americans who had been in uniform fighting in Iraq. … How can you say to them that their religious faith is less worthy of respect? ... That’s something that I feel very strongly about.”

You are only allowed to tell gross gay and lesbians they are less worthy of respect and unfit for military service, which is reserved for respectable people like convicted felons, drug pushers, and sex offenders only.

He added, “I respect the feelings on the other side.”

Ugh, of course you do, Mr. let's all join hands and sing Kumbaya while swaying gently in the breeze. So by all means, feel free to hate haters! And if you want an effigy of his likeness, I'm sure the White House would be more than happy to provide it!

But if it's not it his suspicious Africany origins, his penchant for protecting stupid First Amendments like the freedom to be a terrible, terrorist Muslim, his ability to handle Gulf disasters without thousands of casualties and the submerging of an entire city (just some dead wildlife and a destroyed ecosystem nbd), or his uncanny tendency to stay cool, calm, and collected in the face of widespread idiocy, Sarah Palin's tweets, and reliving Dr. King's dream of equality with white supremacy rallies led by a fat white clown with delusions of divinity, just what, oh what, has the Grand Old Patriots all hot 'n bothered about this swarthy man who may or may not be Hitler, the Antichrist, and a Komodo Dragon with good oratory skills all rolled into one?

Oh, so that explains it!