How Do You Know You're In Alaska? The Writing's On The Wall!

Ah, Alaska, where the snow comes whipping down the plain and year-round, sub-zero winter causes pain!

The majestic land of scantily populated outcasts, grizzled mainland failures, migrating moose, and money-grubbing half-term governors of God 'n guns, whose idea of publicly funded art isn't a sidewalk mural or main street sculpture, but misspelled, grammatically incorrect chickenscratch scrawled on a bathroom stall at the Ted "The Internet is a Series of Tubes!" Stevens International Airport in Anchorage.

Move over, New York, avant-garde has gone North to Alaska!

Just check out the impromptu haiku of hate etched for all eternity with a permanent black magic marker, perhaps in an artistic nod to the permanently black magic Muslim illegally occupying the once-pure White House, along with the elitist, liberal replies of other Anchorage airport bathroom patron-artists:

OBAMA'S The problem
30 caliber Hollow point
is the answer

Racism dies a slow death

It’s okay to be conservative.
It’s a pity to be stupid.

Go back to Wasilla

Welcome to Art Interpretation 101, frozen wasteland edition!

Hmm, so the person, no, make that the Michelangelo, who graffitied the stall thinks Obama is "The problem," and naturally would like to eradicate the problem (aka kill the president of the United States) with the best, most lethal, maximum damage, internal organ, bone and tissue destroying bullets money can buy.

This is pretty much standard procedure for the state that very briefly elected to governor a woman who murders defenseless animals from airplanes in her spare time and puts crosshairs (err, excuse me, I mean surveyor's symbols) on pictures of her pretend enemies such as elected congresspeople from that other terrible, no-good, elitist political party.

Which brings us to the first peanut gallery response, "Racism dies a slow death," likely a comment on the obvious racism of the original statement, because everyone knows racism isn't anywhere close to receding, particularly in the wonderful frozen tundra of our Nothernly neighbor, Alaska, where the only things black are the bears and delicious, unrefined petroleum oozing into Prince Edward Sound.

As for the genius who thinks it's "okay" for people to be conservative, i.e., want nothing more than the president to be gunned down with "cop killer" bullets, but simply cannot stomach neglecting to properly punctuate the end of a sentence with a period, I say kudos! Never mind that this freelance artist/renegade restroom grammar patrol chose to add a period to the end of the second sentence, while completely ignoring the first sentence (“OBAMA’S The problem”), as well as the random use of upper- and lower-case letters and awful spelling/penmanship sprinkled throughout.

Apparently, “Stupid” is relative in Alaska.

Arguably the most succinct, cogent commentary on the Obama Hollow point death wish is “Go back to Wasilla,” which at this point, is pretty much all we can hope for.

That or the "For a good time call 1-800 BRISTOL" instruction written right above it delivers as promised.

On the bright side, at least foot-tapping isn't the only thing Republican men do in airport restrooms.

Quick someone tell Larry Craig, the pen is mightier than the sword, wink, wink!

Sarah Palin's State Of Her Living Room Address To A Grieving Nation (Psst: Jews Eat Christian Babies!)

Everyone knows that the real victim of the recent tragedy in Arizona isn't the innocent little 9-year-old girl who was shot dead, the young Democratic congresswoman in critical condition with a bullet lodged inside her brain, or even any of the 20 other individuals killed or wounded at the hands of a Glock-totin' desert dwelling madman. Heavens, no!

The real victim of this unspeakable tragedy is none other than, Sarah Palin, of course! Why, just think of all the terrible, awful things she's had to endure at the hands of the evil (JEW-RUN) lamestream media simply because she, the Ice Queen of Alaska, occasionally puts maps with gun crosshairs targeting specific politicians on the internets. Err, at least when she isn't Tweetin' 'bout "Homos" and killin' the Mexicans, Muslims, and other scary M-word minorities Americans must hate for freedom and Jesus, that is!

Without further ado, ladies and gentleman, I present to you Sarah Palin, President of having no real job except exploiting horny old white men and dumb-as-doorknobs women with as many kids as shotguns, by spreading hate and fear of everyone but themselves, for money, speaking from her living room fireplace in Wasilla.

Quick, Piper, start the camera rolling in 3...2...1, now!



Ahem, thank you for your applause America. Even in a time of tragedy, you still find time to praise me! You're too kind, really! Except for those bastard liberals, pundits, and journylists blood libelin' me, accusin' me of causing crazy people to do crazy things with guns. Those haters 'n has-beens have better be careful. Because if they do not watch out, I will literally put the scope of my huntin' rifle on another member of Congress. I will do it, so help me God. Socialism.

Let's get one thing straight here. There is nothing, I said, NOTHING wrong with former half-term Governors of the Arctic Circle/Guardians of Russia and current reality teevee stars using interactive map hit lists with gun crosshairs aimed at vulnerable congressmen and women because everyone knows "Take up your arms' means voting."

Besides, it was a good map! I mean, it did have like all 50 states on there, not to mention beautiful color graphics in case a person wanted to print it out and take it with them while traveling on say, a murder spree across the continental U.S. of A. Isn't freedom just the absolute goshdarn bestest!?

"And we certainly must not be deterred by those who embrace evil and call it good."

Sweet Jesus no! We must give these people reality teevee shows, pour moose piles of money and undeserved attention on them, and then get shot in the head by one of their crazy, 'merican flag-wrapped followers all in the name of freedom!

Remember people, we must never let the random acts of one deranged apolitical criminal turn us against each other, because what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks do you think Sarah is here for?

Oooh, good start Sar! But enough about those pesky, n'er-do-well, Christ killin' Jews. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! Back to me, me, me, ME, ME, ME!

So how's that whole hatey, killy, reloady, crosshairsy, blood libely thing workin' out for ya?

Just like Clockwork Glockwork. Wink, wink.

Oh, you betcha!!

Is That A Glock In Your Pocket Or Are You Just A Mentally Ill Misfit From Arizona?

Usually when something shocking and terrible happens, normal people come together to grieve, express their sorrow, and reflect on the unspeakable tragedy in a heartfelt way, if only for a fleeting moment.

Then there's Arizona's way.

After witnessing one of their own elected Representatives, Democrat Gabrielle Giffords, and 19 others brutally gunned down in Tuscon by a Glock-wielding, grammar obsessed madman, the decent guys 'n gals in  the parched, Mexican-free wasteland formerly known as Arizona had only one thought on their mind: How they could get one of dem awesome gunz, too!

Together they let out a collective, booming yipppeeeeeeeeeeee before hightailin' it to the nearest corner gun shop to get their own two proud 'merican hands on a bright shiny new Glock 19mm RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

It's true! Gun shops throughout Arizona simply cannot keep the beautiful, shiny pocket death machines like the one used by Jared Loughner on their shelves, as the entire state was muy impressed with the cool efficiency by which it murdered innocent people. Such ease! Such precision! Such power! Such chaos! Such bloodshed!

But with such beautiful, spontaneous death comes a deep, dark creeping fear that soon the big bad gubmint will come and take away all their precious portable people-killing pocket devices, and the good citizens of Arizona will be left with nothing but English-only words and phrases, not hollow point bullets, to hurl at their elected officials and Mexican enemies of freedom.

"When the election process took place, people were fearful they were going to lose access to tactical firearms with high capacity magazines, as has been the case in the past when Democrats took office," said Blake Mecham, national accounts manager for Browning and its subsidiary, Winchester.

"People were rushing out to buy guns, because they were worried [Obama] was going to take their guns away," criminal justice professor William J. Vizzard, said. "He didn't have a single proposal on the table for gun laws. It defies reason. It's a culture unto itself."

Yes, a wonderful, rich culture of endless funeral line processions and black-clothed grieving mothers wailing in agony.

Because nothing says good business like some good old-fashioned carnage!

“Whenever there is a huge event, especially when it’s close to home, people do tend to run out and buy something to protect their family,” said Don Gallardo, a manager at Arizona Shooter’s World in Phoenix, who said that the number of people signing up for the store’s concealed weapons class doubled over the weekend. 

Greg Wolff, the owner of two Arizona gun shops, told his manager to get ready for a stampede of new customers after Jared Loughner opened fire at a Tucson shopping center on Jan. 8.

Wolff was right. Instead of hurting sales, the massacre had the $499 semi-automatic pistols -- popular with police, sport shooters and gangsters -- flying out the doors of his Glockmeister stores in Mesa and Phoenix.

“We’re at double our volume over what we usually do,” Wolff said two days after the shooting spree. “When something like this happens people get worried that the government is going to ban stuff.”

Wolff called the shooting “horrible.” Nonetheless, it has created a surge of publicity for the gun, he said.

“It’s in the news now. I’m sure the Green Bay Packers are selling all kinds of jerseys today as well,” he said. “I just think our state embraces guns.”

OMG, like totes same thing! One is a fun game people like to play and watch when getting wasted at the local bar, where full grown men lay sprawled and splattered on the ground. The other is football.

“It’s one of the greatest guns made in the history of the world,” said Wolff, whose two stores sell Glock-made weapons almost exclusively.

Which is only fitting for the greatest country God ever made in the history of the world...So he could pump 30 continuous rounds into it.

Mwhahahahaha, dumb mortal little Glock-suckers! God doesn't Retreat...or Reload!

Glenn Beck's Fake Tears & Sarah Palin's Dumb Tweets Don't Kill People (Just Brain Cells); Crazy People With Semiautomatic Weapons Do!

Usually when a young 20-something man goes on a bloody shooting rampage, killing a whole bunch of innocent people, everyone is equally shocked and stunned and horrified, and nobody ever, in a million years, saw it coming. 

Not so with Jared Loughner, the deranged 22-year-old lunatic who shot Arizona's popular Democratic Rep. Gabrielle Giffords point blank in the head, killed six others, including a little 9 year-old-girl, and injured 19 more in a tragic massacre outside a Tuscon Safeway during a 'Congress On Your Corner' meet 'n greet on Saturday.

Basically, everyone who met the dude was absolutely convinced it was only a matter of time before he went out and shot a bunch of people. The only question really was when.

This is what most people who knew this kid for the past few years are saying: he was a freaky loner who scared the bejesus out of anyone with a pulse. Which means everyone outside of Dick Cheney was pretty much convinced this guy was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode, probably sooner than later, all over Arizona.

Now while the residents of Arizona may have been concerned about Jared Loughner, the state of Arizona was never really going to try to help him or anything because c'mon he wasn't a dirty Mexican or anything. And also personal responsibility! And fix your own damn mental health problems! This is America Arizona, after all!

What Arizona was willing to do however, was help this more-likely-than-not mentally unstable young man purchase his semi automatic murder weapon of choice (a Glock 9mm), as well as the 30+ shot extended magazine clip for extra flesh 'n bone rippin' fun!

Until one of those very same bullets he purchased legally and with little effort actually pierced the flesh of an innocent person, or in this case, like 20 innocent people.

“I was getting concerned about the safety of the students and the school,” said algebra instructor Ben McGahee, who took to glancing out of the corner of his eye when he was writing on the board for fear that Mr. Loughner might do something. “I was afraid he was going to pull out a weapon.”

A student in the class, Lynda Sorenson, 52, wrote an e-mail to a friend expressing her concerns.
“We do have one student in the class who was disruptive today, I’m not certain yet if he was on drugs (as one person surmised) or disturbed. He scares me a bit,” Ms. Sorenson wrote in an e-mail in June that was forwarded Sunday to The New York Times.

“The teacher tried to throw him out and he refused to go, so I talked to the teacher afterward. Hopefully he will be out of class very soon, and not come back with an automatic weapon.”

Mr. Loughner’s behavior grew so troubling that he was told he could no longer attend the school, and he appeared, given his various Internet postings, to find a sense of community in some of the more paranoid corners of the Internet.

At a meeting in early October at the college’s northwest campus, where he attended classes, Mr. Loughner said he would withdraw. Three days later, the college sent him a letter telling him that if he wanted to return, he would need to undergo a mental health evaluation. “After this event, there was no further college contact with Loughner,” the college said in a statement.

Not surprisingly, the media has been falling over themselves trying to figure out what on God's green earth could have sparked Jared Lee Loughner to turn from your everyday run-of-the-mill weirdo into a paranoid schizophrenic/raging bloodthirsty madman obsessed with grammar and currency who shoots elected officials and nine-year-old girls with semiautomatic weapons in front of grocery stores.

When Bryce Tierney first heard about the Tucson massacre, he had a sickening feeling: “They hadn’t released the name, but I said, ‘Holy shit, I think it’s Jared that did it.’” Tierney tells Mother Jones in an exclusive interview that Loughner held a years-long grudge against Giffords and had repeatedly derided her as a “fake.

Since hearing of the rampage, Tierney has been trying to figure out why Loughner did what he allegedly did. "More chaos, maybe," he says. "I think the reason he did it was mainly to just promote chaos. He wanted the media to freak out about this whole thing. He wanted exactly what's happening. He wants all of that."

Tierney thinks that Loughner's mindset was like the Joker in the most recent Batman movie: "He fucks things up to fuck shit up, there's no rhyme or reason, he wants to watch the world burn. He probably wanted to take everyone out of their monotonous lives: 'Another Saturday, going to go get groceries'—to take people out of these norms that he thought society had trapped us in."

Of course, the problem with trying to understand the incomprehensible behavior of an obviously deranged man is that genuine craziness like Loughner's rejects easy classification and defies explanation. So accusing Sarah Palin and assorted other rifle-totin' Teabaggers of somehow inspiring or fostering this type of action is sort of like blaming birthday clowns for John Wayne Gacy or Alive: The Story of the Andes Survivors for Jeffrey Dahmer.

Sure, it doesn't help that public figures like Sarah Palin put up interactive maps with gun crosshairs targeting political rivals, like Gabrielle Giffords for instance, and constantly remind America "Don't Retreat, Reload." But even if we were to ban all the Sarah Palins and Glenn Becks in the world, crazy is still crazy. And in America, a person like Loughner may be too crazy for community college but certainly not too crazy to waltz into a store and waltz out with a semiautomatic weapon.

One of the talking points about the Tucson shooting is that the gun used is “just the same as the one police use”, and that’s true – the Glock 9mm pistol is a common police sidearm. But, police carry it with a 15 shot clip, not the 30+ shot extended magazine Loughner used. By the definition of the assault weapon ban, it’s an assault gun with that extended mag.

And since Arizona essentially has no gun laws, there was nothing to stop a lunatic like Loughner from purchasing a gun, loading it, driving to the local Tuscon Safeway and opening fire on a crowd of unarmed men, woman, and children.

Perhaps, instead of asking the likes of Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, the Tea Party and the entire Fox News team to refrain from open hatred and violent inflammatory rhetoric, we would be much better served considering enacting barriers to the purchase of semi-automatic weapons by obviously insane people.

Because if there's one thing America has collectively agreed upon at this point, it is that restricting our freedom to say meany things to one another is a helluva lot easier and more desirable than restricting our favoritest freedom to acquire powerful firearms to use on one another.

Apparently, many in our great nation, and in Arizona particularly, believe that registering firearms, requiring competency evaluations, or mandating that all gun sales be accompanied by a note from a mental health professional certifying mental stability is waaaaaay too much of a burden than say, the occasional senseless slaughter of innocent people and nine-year-old girls.

Good thing Arizona Governor Jan Brewer understands that the good people of America would much prefer to have the occasional mass killing than reasonable restrictions on the rights of crazy people to buy guns.

What Gov. Brewer is upset about, however isn't the selling of a semi-automatic assault weapon to a crazy person or even her state's terrible negligence when it comes to caring for the mentally ill, since they are pathetic losers who nobody likes anyway.

No, no what really grinds ol' Jan Brewer's gears is the fact that Loughner is not a Mexican, because everyone knows Mexicans are terrible criminals responsible for every unspeakable act of violence, everywhere.

Had Loughner been Mexican or even so much as looked even slightly Mexicanish, this whole tragedy would never have happened.

Dude would have been (legally!) harassed and detained so many times, he probably wouldn't even have made it to the damn Safeway.

Most Mexicans can't. Why else would they call it Safeway?

Duh!

A Handy New How-To Wingnut Guide For When The Big Bad Government Comes For Your Innocent Guns

What do you do when some filthy criminal (Black/Liberal/Jew/Mexican/etc) breaks into your house and tries to steal all your God-given guns, Glenn Beck approved gold coins 'n other precious stuff??

Why, you pick up one of your 99 trusty shotguns decoratively adorning various shelves and cabinets around the house. Then you shoot that trespassing motherf**ker full of lead until there's nothing left but the Swiss cheese remains of their once live, warm, now bloodied, bullet-riddled body sullying your floor!

But what if one of those dirty marauders happens to be after your very 2nd amendment right to bear semi-automatic weapons, and tries to steal all your shiny metal guns before you have the chance to pump 'em full of hollow tipped holes and splatter the sucker's brain all over the wall? Then what??

Well, for a mere $60 (or like $100 worth of Glenn Beck gold coins) you too can be prepared for your own apocalyptic disaster and/or nightmare scenario when roving gangs of vicious punks come prowling around your trailer, licking their chops at the chance to take away all your precious guns and, maybe have their merry way with your supple wife and daughter too, mwhahahahaha!

It's called HideYourGuns.com and if you too are a patriot of America who falls for pop-up ads about fat suburban wives morphing into size 0 supermodels all by following this one old secret online, then this is for you!

Unless, of course you're some twinkle-toed NObama lovin' librul...

"If you're shocked by straight talk about the nature of the crisis facing our country, this book may not be for you. And if you're a liberal and are offended by talk about God and country, this is definitely not for you."

But if you're packin' something other than a Gideon bible in your back pocket, then this badboy's for you!

"As those punks left my house that day they must have been feeling that they had cleaned me out completely. But even with a broken wrist I got the last laugh. Here’s why: I had a secret cache of weapons hidden deep inside my house, where no thugs or even a sophisticated criminal would ever think to look."

"I knew that hidden safely away in my house was my real gun collection, the one worth thousands of dollars and including muzzle loaders from the 'War Between the States' and a few guns my grandfather gave me when I was young. The truth is, even if they had known where to look, they wouldn’t have gotten them."

Hahaha, the mindless fools! Thinkin' they swiped your prized rifle/pistol/semiautomatic gun collection (from the terrible war of Northern Aggression) when all they really came away with was some cheap decoy guns you don't even care about or tenderly clean with a soft cloth and warm spit every night by the fire while watching your favoritest Fox News anchor hoot 'n holler about these gun-hungry hooligans.

It's all part of the ingenious wingnut secret available only to those true red, white, 'n blue patriots willing to shell out $50 plus another $10 for shipping and handling for their very own fool-proof manual on how to dupe dark-skinned criminals into stealing the wrong gun collection when breaking & entering your home during times of lawlessness, anarchy, catastrophe, or liberal black presidents with Hussein in his name.

"I also explain the truth about a ‘panic room’ and how and when it might be a good idea for you to get busy and build one. But that’s not all. I reveal the cold hard truth about buying the right kind of safe for your valuables, including:

When you need a safe and what kind to buy. Where to put your safe so they can’t get into it, even if they manage to find it (page 15). What you absolutely must have on the bottom of the safe. Four questions you must ask the safe company before you buy."

"If you’re like me, you’re not just worried about hiding your guns but gold coins and other valuables as well. The truth is, you should be building an emergency preparedness plan for your family or loved ones right now in the event of a terrorist attack or civil unrest. (I cover all this in the book)."

Right now!! Or better yet, as soon as that secret Muslim terrorist elitist Barack Hussein Obama hijacked the once-pure White House!

But that's not all! Author and brainchild behind this brilliant hideyourguns movement, Sam "Sharkman" Adams, will also give you top-secret advice on how to stay a lean mean armed & dangerous fighting machine when the rest of the dumb public are being led like little sheep to the slaughter by crazed Democrats who would like nothing more than to usher in the end of the world through affordable health care and sensible financial practices.

"But I do give you step by step examples you can implement immediately to secure your guns, gold and other valuables. With this new-found knowledge you’ll remain one of the few armed citizens when most of the pathetic sheep are rendered defenseless."

"I have to warn you…this information is likely to send shockwaves through the liberal media, so be discreet about how you use it and who you tell about it."

OOOH, OOOH, secret is sooooooo safe with us! No Jew-run media will ever pry it from our warm, trigger wrapped fingers. Ha ha, yeah, over their dumb, cold, dead liberal hands!

"This book is the only one of its kind in the world, sort of like having your own private pass to Fort Knox, where your guns and valuables are safe from predators."

Not including the blue-soon-to-maybe-be-blind-eyed, blond haired scavenging Fox News kind you see weeping on the teevee every night.

But if you act now, Mr. Sharkman Adams will also throw in FREE special bonus which includes an amazing 2-part CD set with intense “hard-core” techniques for debating with dumb, soon-to-be-dead liberals about guns. It’s called The Great Gun Debate: How To Argue With Liberals About Guns And Win Every Time!

He will also rush you a bonus DVD: The Real Story Behind The Second Amendment. (Hint: No damn Yankee will ever take away your precious right to enslave an entire race again!). And as if that weren't enough, a third gift, The No B.S. Home Defense With Firearms E-book will be sent to you at no extra cost, complete with such life-saving advice as:

• Which lethal weapons you must have in the house
• The truth about a home-defense gun fight.
• Absolute best shotgun for home-defense. 
• Why everyone should own a handgun?
• How to select the best handgun.
• Effective handgun combat firing techniques inside a house.
• Best ways to avoid a dangerous firearms accident in the home
• What if you have to really shoot someone? (legal issues)
• Why almost everyone is wrong about what it takes to deter a criminal
• Special firearms advice for the elderly and disabled
• How to learn to think like a criminal.
• Why you should never go looking for someone who’s broken into your house.

Quick America, act now before blacky NObama and his commie Army of thugs and criminals (and Mexicans!) come knocking down your heavily-fortified steel-encased shelter door to take away your worthless valuable Glenn Beck-sponsored gold-plated coins, constitutional right to make homemade ballistic missiles, hide weapons caches, and other can't-live-without necessary items like fallout shelters and mine fields to help keep America safe from crazed psychopaths bloodthirsty for hippie dippie human sheep without paranoid schizophrenic tendencies who don't even realize grave danger lurks around every corner!

So grab your Ron Paul holster, Glenn Beck gold coins or personal currency of choice, so when the big, bad gubmint, scary black people, question-askin' census workers, turban-sportin' terrorists, poors, queers, border jumpin' Mexis, Jews, Jehovah's Witnesses, cookie-wielding girl scouts, and/or aliens from outer space come for you and your loved ones during the coming Obamageddon and end of civilization as we know it, you can go out with a Grand Ol' freedom-lovin' BANG, instead of a pathetic, pansy liberal BLEAT!

Who Would Jesus Shoot? Other Than Bobby Jindal & The Entire Grand Obstructionist Party!

Exercise The (Oil) Demons, Bobby!

Yeeeeehaaaaww America! The moment you've been waiting, hoping, and praying for your entire life has finally arrived, and just in the nick of time! In case somethin' disastrous happens, like say, demonic blobs of British Petroleum ooze up from the shores and burst through your quiet, neighborhood church in Louisiana, threatening to devour every terrified congregant. Every last God-fearing one of 'em!

Not if fearless leader and howdy doody look-alike, Piyush "Bobby" Jindal has anything to say about it!

Thanks to the governor's sage wisdom and savvy leadership skills (especially in times of crisis!), residents in Louisiana may still be unable to swim along the coastlines or catch nary a shrimp or oyster to feed their starving families, but they will be able to carry concealed weapons into houses of worship just in case any evil, oil glob monsters slink their way from the shores of the Gulf to Sunday mass at St. Mary's Church.

That's right y'all! With one swift stroke of the pen, Governor Bobby Jindal's signed into law a new bill that some residents (those with brains) up in arms:

State Rep. Henry Burns’ bill would authorize persons who qualified to carry concealed weapons having passed the training and background checks to bring them to churches, mosques, synagogues or other houses of worship as part of a security force.

The pastor or head of the religious institution must announce verbally or in weekly newsletters or bulletins that there will be individuals armed on the property as members of he security force. Those chosen have to undergo eight hours of tactical training each year...

The bill also allows a house of worship to hire off-duty police or security guards to protect congregants.

Wooohooo!! Glad to see Jindal continuing to make wonderful executive decisions, and prove he's got his Grand Old Priorities straight, in these trying times when luxurious oil is creepin' baby creepin' all around Louisiana's once-pristine, water-based coast. On the bright side, most Southern dishes can now be made by headin' straight down to the Gulf, and flash-frying your ingredient(s) of choice right there on the beach. It's perfect for fried chicken, butterfly shrimp, even your favorite Cajun stir fry!

Now, you may remember ol' Bayou Bob as the adorable baby-faced token minority and rising Republican star whose refusal to accept big, bad government money for his desperately poor, disaster-ravaged state made him a fleeting darling of the right and anyone else who values ridiculous, self-serving (political) grandstanding and nonsensical, ineffectual ideas as the preferred method of handling a crisis.

Well Bobby doesn't miss a beat, because he knows the only thing standing between his precious Louisiana voters and giant, amorphous blobs of crude oil, fish bones, and bird feathers who prey on the pious, is strapping semi-automatics on every old, churchgoing patriot in the Parish. Unlike stupid federal funds, cleanup workers, or scientifically sound solutions to stopping the oil spill, Bobby relies on his own two-sen$e and unshakable belief that the good Lord would never let anything bad to happen to beautiful, Christian Louisiana!

This is very important, people! An absolute, undeniable, irrefutable fact, despite what those pesky Hurricane Katrina truthers may try to tell you!

"We don't have time for meetings, we don't have time for red tape," Jindal said. "Get in the game to win."

We don't even have time for smart ideas that actually work, only hysterical nonsense that make terrible policy but great soundbytes, because isn't that what is really important here?

Duh! As Herm Edwards knows, "You play to win the game!" And everyone knows the coastal devastation and complete destruction of an entire ecosystem is nothing more than an awesome, fun, relaxing game of poolside pinochle.

Which helps explain why bumbling Bobby J has been huffin' and helicopterin' all over the state, publicly bashing the Administration while secretly begging Barry for big, bad government money, all while coming up with his own awesome plans like packin' heat in pews, and untenable "rock jetty proposals" which the entire scientific community dismiss as ludicrous, dangerous, and potentially more problematic than the renegade oil itself. Oooh, even better!

"No is not a plan," the governor reiterated at a press conference.

It's our entire way of life!

Which helps explain why Jindal's approach to millions of gallons of crude (foreign, gasp!) oil lapping at the shores of Louisiana makes about as much sense as his approach to every other challenge in his path, like say encouraging citizens to come to Sunday services strapped with a Glock 22 beneath their (endangered) animal hide belt as a very reasonable, effective way to fight crime. Hooray!

Sort of like how Bobby's been shriekin' and hollerin' against evil Socialist government aid for his entire dweeby existence, slashing state oil spill funds by 50%, crafting oil spill contingency plan's featuring "pages of blank charts," worst-case scenario plans labeled "to be developed," and sealing the state's oil spill response records...for Freedom! That is until it's his broke-ass, backwards, Commie-hatin' state that needs help, and he's reduced to a sniveling hypocrite begging and crying for some of Uncle Sam's scrilla.

Sure, Jindal may have accepted accepting only 1,053 out of 6,000 available National Guards, but he's been doin' tons of helicopter rides and screaming, which is just as good as actual trained troops, no?

Besides, if all else fails, Bobby can always round up heat-packing parishioners from across the Bayou State, bring 'em down to the oil-drenched coasts, and have 'em shoot the bejesus right out of their now-flaming and bullet ridden waters.

Show that darn oil what happens when scary foreign substances try to wash up on Louisiana's shores. And unlike Arizona, they shoot first, ask questions later!

While it may be true that if you need a gun at church, you may be in the wrong place of worship, but certainly in the perfect place for a li'l beachfront firefight to make sure whatever wasn't already decimated by toxic ooze is rewarded with a warm welcome of lovely Louisiana lead instead.

And with the highest rate of gunfire death in the country (double the national rate!), you better believe these faithful, Jeebus-lovin', Bible-thumpin', heat-packin' Bayou boys 'n gals know how to aim, baby aim, even if BP doesn't.

Praise the Lord, pass the ammunition & let us say Amen.

True Men Don't Kill Coyotes, They Crush Hopes & Destroy Dreams

Yeehaw, Cowboy!

Gun totin', fiercely heterosexual, 100% pure all beef patty of hunky manhood, Texas Governor, slick Rick Perry rarely feels what the rest of us non-laser-sighted pistol carrying losers call fear, deep within his chiseled, manly chest.

But there are times when even a rough 'n tumble, real Texas man like Rick Perry feels a creeping sense of dread, like, for instance, when a charming black man moves into the White House, or say, when enjoying a jog and suddenly finds himself face-to-face with a slithering, poisonous reptile-monster who just so happens to be the slimy bastard responsible for getting Adam and Eve tossed out of Eden. Wandering naked and alone, forever.

Of course, Texans, particularly male Texans, aren't normally permitted to admit these terrible feelings of vulnerability or express gay, womany emotions of any sort, except as part of a hilariously amusing tale about how said strapping male cold shot some dumb living thing in the head and left its pathetic corpse to rot in the blazing sun and scorching heat of the acacia-dotted wasteland he calls home.

Like some stupid, evil coyote who had the misfortune of crossing paths with the Texas Terminator Governor while he was out jogging with his daughter's dog and his loyal .380 Ruger loaded with hollow-tip bullets strapped to his leather hide belt.

"I'm enjoying the run when something catches my eye and it's this coyote. I know he knows I'm there. He never looks at me, he is laser-locked on that dog," Perry said.

"I holler and the coyote stopped. I holler again. By this time I had taken my weapon out and charged it. It is now staring dead at me. Either me or the dog are in imminent danger. I did the appropriate thing and sent it to where coyotes go," he said. (The Cartoon network??)

Perry said the laser-pointer helped make a quick, clean kill.

"It was not in a lot of pain," he said. "It pretty much went down at that particular juncture."

That "particular junction" of course referring to the precise spot where a certain locked 'n loaded state leader pumped rounds of hollow-tipped lead, and laid to waste an a mangy coyote hellbent on destroying dear leader Rick and his loyal canine companion.

And for what??? To satiate his natural predatory instincts and fill his belly with the blood and flesh of a famous Republican hero and his favoritest freedom-loving dog?

How dare he??

Perhaps Mr. Wile E. Coyote should have heeded Gov. Perry's warning: "Don't attack my dog or you might get shot...if you're a coyote."

Oh, so suddenly Mr. soft-on-crime over here refuses to shoot other non-Canis dog menaces like humans??

Buck up, Ricky! This is Texas, not the gay, pussy North!

"I knew there were a lot of predators out there. You'll hear a pack of coyotes. People are losing small cats and dogs all the time out there in that community," Perry said.

"They're very wily creatures."

Much like secret Muslim terrorists from Kenya masquerading as widely respected, wildly popular, progressive, half black, rock star-like Democratic Presidents. Who don't even carry concealed weapons when they jog.

Ugh, arugula-eating liberal elitists! Don't they just make you sick??

Good thing Laura Bush knows true men don't kill coyotes, they destroy entire countries instead!

In the newest, very important contribution to the literary world, former first lady and soft-spoken librarian Laura Bush's gut-wrenching memoir, Spoken From the Heart, hit shelves this week and is causing quite a stir with its juicy revelations...

Like that one time when Laura ran through a stop sign and killed her high school boyfriend, then slept through the funeral, and stopped believing in God.

Until another time, when she was a bored, lonely 30-year-old school librarian, and God suddenly reappeared in the form of a dumb, rich screw-up by the name of George W. Bush, luckily before that other time in Germany when Laura is absolutely positive someone tried to poison her and W with the common stomach flu.

Good thing God had other plans!

"Most of how I ultimately coped with the crash was by trying not to talk about it, not to think about it, to put it aside. Because there wasn't anything I could do. Even if I tried," she writes.

Kinda like what all of America tried to do following the eight year disaster known as her loving hubby, and divine messenger, Georgey Poo's Presidency.

But much like scavenging desert predators, man-slaughtered former loved ones, Heaven sent Icelandic volcanoes erupting in protest of health care reform, megaton rigs exploding in the Gulf, and other oily stuff we can't keep from destroying the planet, no matter how hard we try and forget our almost-decade-long cowboy nightmare, we just can't shake the terrifying sense that UH OH, THERE'S NO WAY TO STOP THIS!!

Almost as if the "poison" still courses through the veins of our nation.

When The Only Cure Is...More Cowboy!

Mixed Nutz: Hippies Crackin' Nazis, Almond-Led Gun Nuts Packin' Heat In Parks, Romney Roastin' Wingnuts, & Sarah's Stash Of Cold, Hard Ca$hews

About 40 lame-o white supremacists from some quasi neo-Nazi militia in Detroit headed west to the Mexican haven of Los Angeles to protest all the dirty, gross brown people working, living, and breathing (gasp!) the pure, white air there every day en route to reclaiming the land stolen from them by the evil gringos during the Mexican-American war.

Sadly, the Nazis were soon yelled at and beaten up by local hippies, Jews, Latinos, Blacks and other scary minorities who were apparently able to bully their way past the Black and Latino cops dispatched to protect the nice group o' Nazis while they exercised their First Amendment rights to tell all non-milk hued undesirables (black and Latino cops included) to stop "clogging up our streets" and get the f**k out of their country, God's country, as soon as they're done making sure Hitler's new Aryan Army doesn't get too roughed up by the ominous second-class citizens (hippies included!) closing in on them.

Must be the new high-grade medical marijuana. That Cali chronic's crazier than Nazis and Teabaggers, yo!

One Neo-Nazi, bloodied by the protesters, carried a sign that read "Christianity=Paganism=Heathen$" with an arrow pointing at a swastika.

"Gosh, I think he just didn't have a clear message. I don't even think he was a Nazi," said one onlooker who witnessed the melee.

Those crazy Nazis! Wait, or was it Teabaggers? It's sooooo hard to keep 'em straight these days!

Speaking of kindred Nazi and Teabagger spirit, the latest Public Policy Polling survey of leading Republican candidates for the 2012 presidential elections shows Mittens Romney continuing to dazzle at the top of the pack, followed by the new spokesman against sodomizing puppies, Mike Huckabee at 27%, and beautiful Alaskan wanderer-turned-millionaire-wonder Sarah Palin at 23%.

"The big story in 2012 polling continues to be Palin's surprisingly poor performance. She hasn't led in a single one of the dozen individual states we've taken a look at, and runs ten points behind Romney nationally. She is actually the most well liked of the GOP front runners with 66% viewing her favorably to 55% for Huckabee and 54% for Romney, but there's a disconnect between how much voters like Palin and how willing they are to support her for President."

President of America, that is. But, President of Facebook, you betcha!

Speaking of our #1 favoritest maverick to ever venture from her frozen home near Russia to bless us sinners in the sweltering, Godless mainland by letting us help her make Mount McKinley's of money, none of which she will donate to any candidates of any party because she is Sarah and Sarah doesn't do elitist things like donate money to actual candidates.

She does Sarah-y things like draw pretty interactive map hit lists targeting vulnerable congressional Democrats with gun crosshairs, along with peaceful, political words like "reload," "aim" and "fire," so people will know to bust out their bullet point pens and spray ink all over the ballot box. For freedom!

Sure, Sarah put the bull's eye on 20 U.S. House races on her favoritest Facebook, because every gun nut knows "Take up your arms' means voting."

What it doesn't mean is her highness giving even one cent (her two-sense is apparently enough) to any of the "favored" candidates in those same contested districts during the first quarter of the year.

"Although her SarahPAC took in $400,000 in the first quarter and had more than $900,000 in the bank, it gave only $7,500 to candidates between January and the end of March, plus an additional $2,000 to two other PACs. None went to Republicans in the races she targeted."

Instead, it went to important things like de-icing private planes, helping Sarah learn secret tricks like how to scribble speeches on her hand (teleprompters are so elitist!), post on social networking sites (that series of tubes called the internets can be so darned tricky!), and find the perfect shade of lipstick to go with her new designer digs for maverick hockey mom pigs who know there's more than one way to skin a cat.

A DemoCAT, that is!

Quite the li'l pistol, that one!

Speaking of unhinged firearms, a bunch of paranoid, delusional gun nuts masquerading as patriots descended on two federal parks in Virginia to make history as the first people to wave AK-47s and other semi automatic weapons at a demonstration in a national park to protest the federal government taking away the rights of paranoid gun fanatics to brandish their weapons and scream about said evil federal government.

Of course, those coming to the "Restore the Constitution" rally give no credit to President Obama for signing the law that permits them to bring their guns to Fort Hunt, run by the National Park Service, or to Gravelly Point, as close to the District as they could get while packin' some metal muscle and also complying with local and Interior Department regulations. Nor are they comforted by a broad expansion of gun rights in several states since B. Hussein's election.

Nope. These real Americans don't need trivial things like facts or truth to tell them why they hate this black menace in the White House, and his Democratic cabal of secret Muslim terrorists, Commies and Socialists out to destroy America. With health care. And gay rights. And sensible nuclear policies. And Wall Street regulations. And abortions. And immigrants.

But, for the rest of those fake Americans not packing heat or carrying extra ammo magazines strapped to their rear, who aren't afraid of the big, bad (black) government comin' for their guns and grandmas, it is probably a wise idea to stay as far away from Gravelly Point or Fort Hunt Park as possible, because one of these "heroes" will probably see something dark rustling around, mistake it for a bear or black person, and start accidentally(?) spraying bullets in all directions.

Just like Jesus and the Constitution intended.

The brandishing of weapons is "not just an important symbol" but "a reminder of who we are," said rally organizer Daniel Almond.

Dumb, racist wingnuts who wouldn't know the constitution if it hit them over the head. Unless it came ripping out the other end in a trail of exploding flesh, blood and brain matter.

"The founders knew that it is the tendency of government to expand itself and embrace its own power, and they knew the citizenry had to be reminded of that."

Just like that other "patriot" who hated the terrible government so much he blew up the Oklahoma city federal building and murdered 168 people, including 19 little kids at daycare, and reminded everyone what another freedom-loving hero of the right does to show his love of America on this very April 19th day, 15 years ago.

But you may remember him better as convicted terrorist and mass murderer, Timothy McVeigh.

All Bark, No Bite? Obama's Presence Enough To Muzzle Town Hall Crazies

Death squad commander-in-chief Barack Obama cares about health care SO much, he's even willing to take on crazed, pitchfork-wielding mobs just to prove to the American people that, contrary to what wise scholars like Sarah Palin say, universal health care does not spell an automatic death sentence for Gramps or baby Trig.

Dear leader Barry Obama was ready to brave whatever gun-toting nutjob or shrieking loon who dared disrupt his New Hampshire town hall with their "scare tactics" like threatening old, frail legislators with a beat-down and bringing loaded guns to the debate. Not to mention all that noise!

So Obama's all juiced to throw down against the town hall crazies asking them, no, begging them to come forward, lower their voice to an audible, not deafening level, and finally ask the evil O man why exactly ObamaCare has them so beside themselves.

But noooo. In the presence of the main menace himself, the loudmouth nut brigade suddenly lost its voice, meaning this town hall was utterly dull, free of violence and a terrible waste of time.

"For all the scare tactics out there, what is truly scary is if we do nothing...For all the chatter and the yelling and the shouting and the noise, what you need to know is this: if you do have health insurance, we will make sure that no insurance company or government bureaucrat gets between you and the care you need." Or systematically murders you.

Besides, as long as they have a good product and can sustain themselves, private insurers should have no problem competing with the dumpy government plan.

"They do it all the time," Obama explained. "UPS and FedEx are doing just fine...It's the Post Office that's always having problems."

You hear that people? It's all about choices! Since the government is evil and turns everything it touches into a hellish bureaucratic nightmare, feel free to pay more for the piece of mind that comes with having a respectable private company like FedEx and UPS lose your valuables.

Or your life, whatever the case may be.

Tenessee Cocktail: One Part Gun, Two Parts Liquor...All Disaster

State Senator Doug Jackson is a smart man. He knows how important the right to keep and bear arms is. It's as American as apple pie! But what's even more American is the right to carry concealed weapons into bars and restaurants, thanks to the hard work of national hero Tennessee state senator Doug Jackson, whose brilliant legislation was signed into law after state legislators voted to override the pussy governor's veto.

While some killjoys Tennessee lawmakers have criticized the bill, saying "it's a bad idea to have guns and alcohol in close proximity," others like Sen. Doug Jackson and the National Rifle Association (NRA) know there is nothing to worry about.

Clearly, handgun permit holders in the great state of Tennessee are responsible and would never break the law by actually drinking when they bring their loaded Glock's into an establishment designed solely to provide alcohol to its customers. They have the good sense to know that drunk Southerners and loaded firearms do not mix. That would be lunacy! But, a sober patron packing heat in a crowded bar full of shit-faced, trigger happy, law-abiding citizens is the first step to reducing crime and keeping America safe.

Too bad Democratic Gov. Phil Bredesen, who is a gun owner and hunter himself, doesn't understand that guns don't cause crime, people do.

"I still think I'm right. I still think that guns in bars is a very bad idea. It's an invitation to a disaster."

Don't be silly. Think of it more as an invitation for Tennessee's economy to really blossom. Funeral home directors and undertakers, ca-ching!!

Congress Declares War On Credit Card Companies And Peaceful Nature Lovers

President Obama and the Democratic demonchildren in Congress finally stuck it to the big, bad credit card companies, passing sweeping reforms aimed at reducing the number of ways credit card companies can screw with unsuspecting consumers like you and me.

The new measure adds protections for debt-stricken credit card users, and does away with hidden charges, extra fees and all the other creative ways credit card try to dupe dumb Americans into buying a bunch of sh*t they can't afford.

The House of Representative passed the bill by a whopping 361-64 margin, paving the way for Comrade Barry to sign the bill and rescue America from the evil tricks of American Express, Visa, MasterCard, and the like, no matter how much we enjoy their "priceless" commercials reminding us that the best things in life are free, so you might as well throw yourself into debt buying all the cool stuff plastic can buy.

Even Republicans joined Obama's credit card crusade; they just took a little more convincing that's all. Luckily, the Democrats were in a very good mood and more than happy to tack on a little "sweetener" to please the GOP, since they know helping the average American isn't exactly their style.

So, in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, they made the Republicans an offer they couldn't refuse: Agree to help protect consumers from getting financially raped by the credit card companies, and they'll finally let you bring your precious loaded guns into national parks and wildlife refuges.

Which may be a bit risky considering the Republican Party recently replaced the grey wolf on the U.S. list of endangered species.

Guns And Parks: What A Lovely Duo!

Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Don't Let The Sunglasses Fool You, Meghan Packs The Heat

Meghan McCain loves guns. Not only do they make her feel like a whole lotta woman, they're also just perfect for relieving all the stress that comes with getting paid to blog about nonsense for a living. Nonsense and sex.

You see Meghan McCain is more than just the fresh-faced blogging voice of the Republican Party. She's also a proud member of the National Rifle Association and is terrified that charismatic demonchild Barack Obama is going to take away her precious right to shoot annoying people and defenseless animals.

Doesn't Obama know the shooting range is the one place Meghan can be a Republican "through-and-through" or how empowering it is for a 24-year-old woman of wealth and taste to fire off a few rounds?

I mean she's always had positive experiences with family and guns. You should see how her beloved godfather Jerry could decorate a house using only freshly-skinned wild boar hides, deer pelts, and giant moose antlers. There's nothing like it!

That's why Meghan is able to think about guns in a "smart, nonreactive manner." Hello people, it's called the Bill of Rights!

If you are a law-abiding citizen who is trained to and skilled at using a firearm, then you are entitled to protect yourself and your family. Even if you're not, Meghan knows our founding fathers intended for everyone to experience the joys of gun ownership. Particularly semi-automatic machine guns, cause you never know when your fair city will be overrun by Somalian warlords.

Too bad those kooky liberals don't understand that guns aren't the problem. "The real solution to preventing gun violence is not taking away the tools, but tackling its causes: poverty, inadequate health care, mental illness, joblessness, inadequate housing, and poor education. Desperate people will make anything a weapon. We need to eliminate desperation, not guns."

So does that mean all we need to do stop abortions is eliminate sluts? It's so brilliant, I can't believe no one ever thought of that before!

Move Over Plaxico, This Gal's Got Aim!

She may look sweet and innocent, but don't be fooled. New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand will f**k you up.

The congresswoman and mother of two keeps two rifles under the bed she shares with her husband Jonathan in their upstate New York home. And she is not afraid to use them.

Although Gillibrand admits neither she nor her husband hunts, she says, "If I want to protect my family, if I want to have a weapon in the home, that should be my right."

You hear that New York? Good. Now give your new state senator the respect she deserves. Oh and say hello to her little friend too.