WWJD? "Man Up, Accept Responsibility, & Let The Poor Bastard's House Burn Like A Good Christian Martyr!"

What Would Jesus Do? Let the broke-ass motherf**ker burn baby burn!

I mean what the hell else would El Savior do? Grab a hose, start sprayin' and save a family's home, three dogs, a cat, and the now-charred, still-smoldering remains of any human decency still existing in the world??

Wake up, junior! There's no such thing as a free lunch or a fire-free home, got it?

Just ask Bryan Fischer over at the American Family Association, your friendly neighborhood wingnut Evangelist group dedicated to restoring proper Christian decency and morals back to America, mostly by warning against the hideous disease of Gay People, while secretly hiring online male prostitutes to umm, lend a helping hand lugging their heavy loads (of baggage only!) during an all-expense paid 10-day sexcation spreading the The Good Book and BoyToy69 all over Socialist Europe. Well that and every other assorted sordid tale of Jeebus-lovers, family values frauds, and weird sex freaks, saying insane things before getting caught doing the very insane things they were ranting about in the first place!

Usually it's just wretched (though irresistibly tempting) queers, and of course, your African/Mexican/Darkskinican, but lately, Christ's loyal Salvation Army has focused its righteous attention on another evil scourge upon the pure Kingdom of God's white Christian America: the lazy, pathetic, good-for-nothin', free-loadin' poors!

Because Bryan Fischer here clearly has the authority on what The Holy Son himself, Jesus Would Have Done, if He were faced with a raging blaze at some pov's dirty trailer home, who hadn't paid their annual $75 fee to be rescued from terrible house fires. And, Christ knows, it ain't giving holy water handouts to every dumb schlub in dire need of it. Hell no!

Compassion?? Puh-lease! Whaddya think, Jesus was some librul girly fag or something?

I'll tell you something else Jesus would do and that is put bright white text on a black background to really emphasize the truth about how “Firefighters did the Christian thing in letting house burn to the ground.” Why, of course they did!

The fire department did the right and Christian thing. The right thing, by the way, is also the Christian thing, because there can be no difference between the two. The right thing to do will always be the Christian thing to do, and the Christian thing to do will always be the right thing to do.

Like owning slaves, treating women as property, throwing widowed old witch(?) ladies into the river and/or fire pit to see if they float or burn, respectively, condemning adulterers to death by stoning, and all the other wonderful right, Christian values the Holy Bible enlightens us mere mortals about!

In this case, critics of the fire department are confused both about right and wrong and about Christianity. And it is because they have fallen prey to a weakened, feminized version of Christianity that is only about softer virtues such as compassion and not in any part about the muscular Christian virtues of individual responsibility and accountability.

Jesus isn't some pussyfoot, soft-spoken gaywad here, people! Get those daisies out of your ears! God doesn't love you, God loves wingnut libertarianism and making children suffer to make a point about government expenditure. Everything else is just GAY, GAY, GAY, got it hippies?

“It’s frankly odd to see the Christian community blame the fire department for something that was somebody else’s fault," Fischer writes. "I’m used to hearing that from liberals, socialists, and Marxists, but not from followers of Christ.” OMG, isn't this guy the best??

The left, of course, has grabbed the “What would Jesus do?” mantra – as if they really cared about anything Jesus would do – and used that as a cudgel. Friends in the faith community have likewise taken aim, saying that they too know what Jesus would do.

HAHA, the fools! As if the arugula-eating elitist COMMIES on the Left know a damn thing about what Jesus would or would not do when faced with a raging fire at some poor slob's trailer home.

Jesus does not have compassion, nor does he have time for freeloaders who don't pay their firefighting dues! He was put on this Earth by God himself to teach humanity the cold, hard lessons about personal responsibility, the evils of taxing the rich, and the shame of being a poor, dumb deadbeat. This could not be clearer!

It’s a strange thing to hear evangelicals saying we ought to take resources without permission from responsible citizens (the ones who had been faithfully paying their fire protection premiums) and use them to bail out the irresponsible ones.

Hmmm, yes I suppose it is strange to hear evangelicals make a cogent, coherent argument about anything. But the point is, the firefighters could not under any circumstances have saved the house and then charged the guy after they were done fulfilling their supposed duty of extinguishing raging conflagrations at people's places of residence. Saving a man's house and pets is NOT the Christian way! Fischer knows this because he is better, infinitely more manly, and closer to Jesus than you are!

Well, as long as we’re speculating on what Jesus would do in this situation, I’m as entitled as anyone.
What would Jesus do? That’s easy. He’d tell Mr. Cranick, “Man up, accept full and total responsibility, and don’t blame anybody but yourself for what happened. That’s the Christian thing to do. And next time, Gene, pay the 75 bucks, all right?”

OMG, totes! "Man up!" and "Gene, pay the 75 bucks" are two of Jesus' favorite catch-phrases! Nevermind the whole "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," "Love one another," "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven," "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth" hullabaloo.

What Jesus really meant was "Don't screw with municipal government, pay your freakin' firefighter dues, & learn how to pick yourself up by your own darn bootstraps, ya pathetic, miserable, good-for-nothin' Socialist wretches!"

Because the real Kingdom of Heaven is in Obion County, Tennessee, where firefighters will heroically come to your burning home and watch in sadistic delight as the flames engulf your family's home, three living pets, while the sadsack owner begs, pleads, and offers to pay whatever it takes for you to spare his one Earthly possession & save his home from burning to the ground.

"They coulda' been saved if they put water on it. But they didn't do it," the home's owner, Gene Cranick said.

That's because Jesus died for your sins and now wants you to suffer mercilessly for all of time for failing to be more diligent about paying $75 firefighter service fees.

How many times do you need to be told, God does not love, and He certainly does not forgive. So, remember, "Blessed are the rich and privileged, for they will always be righteous when not coming to the aid of the poor and suffering."

And the next time you find yourself at some great moral crossroads, unsure of the good and righteous thing to do, simply put your faith in the good Lord above, and ask yourself the timeless question, What Would Jesus Destroy?

Palin-Palooza! Fresh Teabagging Fun For All Ages (Not Colors)

Woooohooo!

Pack your bags (tea and otherwise), throw on your colonial best, polish your semi-automatics to a glistening shine, grab the neighbors, and head down to Nashville, Tennessee, folks. It's Tea Time, baby!

And this time, the revolution will be televised. But, hopefully not by the evil, terrible, Obama-loving elitist MSM.

"The mainstream media is the enemy," declared Bob Bunting, a retiree from Hilton Head Island, S.C., attending the convention with his wife, Nancy. "You are for socialism and Barack Obama."

Ah yes, all across the country, Bob Bunting and 1,100 of America's truest patriots, will gather at the Gaylord resort (ironic??) in the famed Music City for a li'l limited-government, low-tax, liberal loathin', gun-totin' fun. Teabag style!

There, the faithful fringe among us will have the distinct privilege of hearing her highness, Sarah Palin, deliver the much-anticipated keynote address, (and maybe, just maybe the opening salvo for her 2012 presidential bid), all for the bargain basement rate of $100,000. Just think about how many teabags that would get you!

"She is the one," said Loren Nelson of Seattle. "And she's gonna do it."

Or is she? The former Alaskan governor and current Empress of Facebook has remained mum on the subject, refusing to say for sure whether she'll be making a White House bid of her own (without Gramps screwing everything up) come 2012. She's so rogue like that.

Everyone knows with talent like hers, it would be "absurd" to not consider a run for president, and a chance to unseat that chocolate-hued menace with his big words and weird Muslim-y name.

"I would (run) if I believe that that is the right thing to do for our country and for the Palin family," she said.

In other words, as long as none of her other unwed teenage daughters have a beautiful, surprise miracle of God for Grandmama! So wrap it up Willow and Piper. One Bristol per family is more than enough for this Alaskan Mama Bear, thank you very much.

"The soul of the Tea Party is the people who belong to it," Palin said. "They have the courage to stand up and speak out...They believe in the same principles that guided my work in public service."

Do they ever! Principles like quitting during your first term as governor and never allowing this precious country to be overtaken by a socialist black man (from Kenya!) who hates white people and doesn't even believe in starting wars for no reason!

A man so dangerous, he wants to provide health care to all Americans, not just rich, white ones who also happen to be pharmaceutical lobbyists. Not even Hitler would've done something this horrifying.

And you can bet your bottom dollar, Hitler never had a chief of staff who ever used the words "fucking retarded." Of course, that's probably because they were already rounded up and sent to the gas chambers, but hey the devil's in the details, right?

Of course, Obama could always change the political dynamic and boost his reelection odds if he took Sarah's sage advice and "played the war card," by declaring war on Iran or bolstering Israel. That Sarah, she's not afraid of nothin'! Russians, Iranians, Iraqis (like there's a difference), bring 'em on! Anything to boost those election chances and save some Israelis in the process (not the Jew ones, silly, just the true Christians).

Distrust of the mainstream media (or MSM as its known to the tea crowd), is one of the main tenets uniting the philosophically diverse, but overwhelmingly white teabagging crowd, who almost universally believe the arugula eating national media have purposefully sullied their good name, portraying them as lunatics, whackjobs, racists, idiots, rednecks, and ignorant white trash--that is when not ignoring them completely.

But Chuck Smith, a 66-year-old retiree from Knoxville who attended the conference, acknowledged that the occasionally extremist rhetoric, combined with the mostly white composition of many tea party crowds make it "easy to paint us as racist or extremist, and I can’t fault the mainstream media for that, but that misses the point."

Smith said reporters "don't understand what’s happening. We're not exclusionary. We're everyday, hard-working Americans fighting back against big government.”

Who just happen to show their love of this country by waving confederate flags, Obama as Hitler signs, and demanding that ObamaCare be buried along with Teddy Kennedy's ol' shriveled bones.

In her 40-minute speech followed by a 15-minute Q&A session pre-selected by organizers (can't afford any Katie Couric like responses, now can we?), tea party hero and Alaskan snow goddess Sarah Palin hit all the right notes, sure to please even the most discriminating teabagger.

Bashing the Obama administration for "treating terrorists like criminals" (instead of rabid dogs?) and for not taking a tougher stance on the war on terror, Sarah had some choice words for the current, smarty-pants president.

"To win that war, we need a commander-in-chief, not a professor," Palin said, receiving one of her many standing ovations. Smart is sooooo out this year.

Accusing the Democrats of going on a wild, out-of-control spending spree, Sarah said, "they're sticking our kids with the bill and that's amoral–that's generational theft."

She even threw in some nice, old fashioned mocking for good measure--a sure-fire way to rev up the crowd.

"How's that hopey, changey stuff working out for you?" she asked, to wild teabagging applause, before driving this baby home with some solid Jesus talk and magic words like "drill, baby drill," and all the other stuff conservatives go nuts for.

Political leaders should "start seeking some divine intervention again in this country, so that we can be safe and secure and prosperous again. To have people involved in government who aren’t afraid to go that route, and also afraid of the political correctness that, you know, they have to be afraid about what the media would say about them if they were to proclaim their reliance on our creator."

What, that they're crazy like a fox? An Alaskan, snow fox?

But, heavens forbid they utter those two most terrible words in the English language: "fucking retard."

Asked by Fox News Host (and supposed ally) Chris Wallace why she demanded that White House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel resign for calling liberal activists "f**king retards," yet declined to ask right-wing talk radio host Rush Limbaugh to apologize for using the same terrible, derisive term on his radio show.

"I didn't hear Rush Limbaugh calling a group of people who he did not agree with 'f*cking retards' and we did know that Rahm Emanuel, it's been reported, did say that. There's a big difference there," said Palin, the de-facto leader of special needs children everywhere.

So true, Sarah! Rush must've been talking about a group he loves dearly and holds close to his (large, overworked) heart when he said,"Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards...I mean these people, these liberal activists, are kooks."

"Should Rush Limbaugh apologize?" Wallace asked.

Ha ha don't be silly, Chris!

"They are kooks so I agree with Rush Limbaugh."

Duh! It's only okay to use the word retarded when referring to dirty, tree-hugging hippies, pussy, kumbaya-chanting pacifists, flamboyant, God-forsaken gay and lesbian rights activists and assorted other special needs persons of the left.

Isn't she just charming? Sure must feel good to be on the right side of God, History, Everything.

Bless her sweet, rogue, occasionally special needs heart.

She's so maverick, even she doesn't know what "f**king retarded" thing she'll say next.

Tenessee Cocktail: One Part Gun, Two Parts Liquor...All Disaster

State Senator Doug Jackson is a smart man. He knows how important the right to keep and bear arms is. It's as American as apple pie! But what's even more American is the right to carry concealed weapons into bars and restaurants, thanks to the hard work of national hero Tennessee state senator Doug Jackson, whose brilliant legislation was signed into law after state legislators voted to override the pussy governor's veto.

While some killjoys Tennessee lawmakers have criticized the bill, saying "it's a bad idea to have guns and alcohol in close proximity," others like Sen. Doug Jackson and the National Rifle Association (NRA) know there is nothing to worry about.

Clearly, handgun permit holders in the great state of Tennessee are responsible and would never break the law by actually drinking when they bring their loaded Glock's into an establishment designed solely to provide alcohol to its customers. They have the good sense to know that drunk Southerners and loaded firearms do not mix. That would be lunacy! But, a sober patron packing heat in a crowded bar full of shit-faced, trigger happy, law-abiding citizens is the first step to reducing crime and keeping America safe.

Too bad Democratic Gov. Phil Bredesen, who is a gun owner and hunter himself, doesn't understand that guns don't cause crime, people do.

"I still think I'm right. I still think that guns in bars is a very bad idea. It's an invitation to a disaster."

Don't be silly. Think of it more as an invitation for Tennessee's economy to really blossom. Funeral home directors and undertakers, ca-ching!!