People Of The Sunshine State: Sarah Palin Urges America To Rage Against The Machine (& All Rational Thought) And Make Newt The Man

Former reality teevee star and failed vice-president, governor, political pundit, mother, grifter, fame whore, EVERYTHING, Sarah Palin, took a break from the usual Facebook trolling and illiterate Tweeting to continue her bizarre quest endorsing Newt Gingrich because of some on-again, off-again, leftist hard rock band from the '90s. Or something like that.

Here's Mama Grizz herself telling resident Fox News muppet and Fran Drescher wannabe Jeanine Pirro all the wonderful reasons why Newt Gingrich is the right man, not machine, for the job.

"When both party machines and many in the media are trying to crucify Newt Gingrich for bucking the tide and bucking the establishment that tells you something."

It does?? Like that he'll buck just about anything, including his cancer and MS-stricken wives, respectively?

Urging people to “rage against the machine,” Palin continued, “Vote for Newt. Annoy a liberal. Vote Newt. Keep this vetting process going, keep the debate going.”

You hear that people? Keep the debate going! Right into the gutter. It's fun, plus you get to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE and ANNOY A LIBERAL, all in one fell swoop, err, make that one fell Newt!

Because nothing would annoy (and by annoy, we of course mean, delight) liberals more than the good people of Florida voting a thrice married, twice divorced, faux intelligent, serial adultering, shamelessly amoral huckster who may or may not have secretly promised Sarah Palin a cabinet position in his fantasy moon colony, the winner of the Florida Republican primary.

NOTHING! Well, except maybe Zack de la Rocha and Tom Morello spitting rhymes and shredding chords at this year's Coachella in honor of everyone's fave mooniacs, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin.

With a special set-list including such hits as:

Bull(shit) On Parade
People Of The Sun Moon
Sleep Now In The (Eternal Hell) Fire
Killing In The Name (of Jesus Christ)
No Shelter (for Mexicans)
(Dead) Guerrilla Radio
How I Could Just Kill a Man (with a 9mm Hollow-Point Bullet)
FreeDUMB
Testify (Against a Liberal Activist Judge)
Renegades of DysFunktion
Vietnow (and Forever)

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, Florida people.

Poll: Fox News Viewers Less Informed Than Those Who Read No News; Which Is Weird Because Fox News Hosts Believe Pepper Spray Is A "Food Product, Essentially"

OMG, did you hear the crazy, Earth-shattering, mind-blowing news? No, no not that fat, crazed, out-of-control cops are pepper-spraying college students eyeballs out, macing old ladies, stomping on peaceful protesters, billy clubbing defenseless women and children, and bloodying the faces of law-abiding citizens in every major city around the country. The other headline-busting story about how Fox News is — gasp!—basically as informative and knowledge-providing as staring at an empty cardboard box for hours on end, or at least according to Fairleigh Dickinson University’s latest PublicMind poll.

Well, actually, that's not really 100 percent accurate, since watching a cardboard box doesn't usually suck knowledge from your brain like a new Dyson upright vacuum with ball technology, as is the case with Fox.

From the report:

The poll — which asked New Jerseyans where they find news and information about current events — found that Sunday morning news shows are the most informative, while Fox News actually leads people to be less informed than those who consume no news at all.

The poll focused partly on popular uprisings in Egypt and Syria. Asked whether the people of Egypt successfully topped Hosni Mubarak’s regime, 49 percent of Fox News viewers answered “yes” — the lowest on the scale — while 68 percent of NPR listeners answered in the affirmative, the highest on the scale.

Those who watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart performed well on the questions. Sixty percent of Daily Show viewers correctly answered that opposition forces in Syria have not yet toppled the government, second only to NPR. Forty-five percent of Fox News viewers answered “no.”

As Dan Cassino, a political science professor at Fairleigh Dickinson and an analyst for the poll, explained, "The (poll’s) results show us that there is something about watching Fox News that leads people to do worse on these questions than those who don’t watch any news at all."

Ummm, is that something named Gretchen Carlson??

Or maybe it's that other sexy blonde genius with the really deep, profound observations. No, not not Steve Doocy, although he is sexy. Think more vapid hair product sidekick who has big boobs not acts like one.

That's right, folks! It's everyone's favorite shrill voice of treason reason and idiotically spelled first names, Megyn Kelly who, along with fellow patriotic, non-pinhead patriarch Papa Bill O'Reilly sat down to discuss what really happened at UC Davis and teach all of America why it is perfectly acceptable for heavily militarized security guards to viciously attack a group of sitting students with pepper spray.

Oh, Fox yeah!

But wait a minute, O’Reilly said. “I don't think we have the right to Monday morning quarterback the police.”

OMG, he's so right! Peter King of Sports Illustrated is already in charge of that whole Monday Morning Quarterback thing.

“Especially at a place like UC Davis, which is a fairly liberal campus.”

Because liberals are not people. They are like buzzing hordes of locusts who deserve to be swatted, sprayed, or squashed in whatever manner deemed fit. Of course, if this were Liberty University, God forbid, and some psycho police lieutenant decided to generously and nonchalantly dust peacefully sitting protesters with pepper spray from point spray range, then maybe Papa Bear would have a problem with it.

“Pepper spray, that just burns your eyes, right?” O’Reilly asked Kelly.

OMG, totes! Just like getting Tased is exactly the same feeling as putting on socks and shuffling across carpet before touching your friend.

“Right,” Kelly said. “I mean, its like a derivative of actual pepper. It’s a food product, essentially.”

Exactly! Like jalapeno poppers, or salsa con queso. In fact, if you spray it on pizza, you have a federally recommended meal and an FDA-approved daily serving of vegetables, essentially.

Now, look, Megyn and Bill aren't saying the cops did the right thing or anything! God, no! "I agree [the tape] looks bad," Kelly said.

But looks can be deceiving! I mean Megyn looks like she just clocked out of the lunch shift at Hooters after an all-night coke and sex party at some 18-year old's house whose parents are out of town, but really she is a respected teevee news journalist (and lawyer?) on a very respectable, fair and balanced news network!

It's just that the protesters were sitting in a place where they weren't allowed to sit, so it's kind of their own fault!

Serves those pesky, rabble-rousing, hippie dippie college students right thinking they can just sit anywhere on campus, just because they paid tens of thousands of dollars in tuition for the very privilege to do so.

Besides, the police were just doing what the Chancellor told them, to try and clear the “Occupy” protesters’ encampment.

See, they were just following orders! It's not like anything bad ever comes out of that, right?

Whatever. The point is what right do we, tax-paying citizens, have to judge a publicly-funded cop for spraying a delicious (and nutritious!) simple food product in the faces of a crowd of college kids? (Maybe he was just trying to feed them?).

And not just any college kids. Liberal college kids doing something criminal and dangerous.

Like speaking out against the real people hurt by all this, the poor, long-suffering Corporations.

Because everyone knows liberals don't want to eat powerful pepper blasting from aerosol cans. They'd much prefer to eat the rich instead.

[image via TPM]

Fox News Outraged That Barack Obama Had The Nerve To Invite Black People As Guests, Not Servers, To His Birthday Party

While the economy continued its downward hell spiral thanks to Standard & Poor's (really, that's the best name you could come up with? Really?) very responsible decision to downgrade America's debt and grind it into highly toxic, spite-flavored tea leaves for Republican enjoyment, Fox News was busy thinking up the most offensive, racist headline their little brains could muster accusing President Obama of celebrating his 50th "birth"day instead of single-handedly creating jobs for every (white) person in America.

The nerve! No, no, not Fox News equating a celebrity-studded backyard birthday BBQ in the White House Rose Garden with some kind of secret Muslim anti-employment Socialist Black Panther rally where they do scary "black people things" like listen to "hip-hop" and eat char-grilled burgers. Why, Barack Obama celebrating his five decades on this planet with actual black people, instead of just old racist white men who watch Fox News all day, of course!

Ugh, I mean, why didn't this barbecue party create jobs? The least he could've done is hire some Fox News viewers to flip burgers and re-fill beer glasses. For Christ's sake, why is Obama always pallin' around with black people, anyways? Why can't he party with some employed people like Ted Nugent for a change, or does he only like musicians who are black, blind and talented?

Maybe if he had some more white people there, other than Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and the scores of similarly milky-hued people in attendance, they would accidentally create some jobs while Obama parties?

Point is no one knows. What Fox News does know, however, is that black people are not allowed to have money or parties or fun or BBQs unless the white people in the country get their money and parties and fun and BBQs first. It’s like this Negro President of ours STILL cannot remember the rules!

Maybe Fox would have better luck if they put it into rhyme over a phatty beat.

Finally, their first real job!

Fox News Celebrates The Birth Of America By Tweeting The Death Of Obama

Howdy, America! While you were temporarily freed from the shackles of your office cubicle in order to patriotically guzzle beer, shove burgers into your mouth, and light sparkly red, white, and blue trinkets that explode in the sky in celebration of our nation's Independence from elitist accents, crumpets, bad teeth the British, Fox News was busy reminding us all why their network is the most freedom-loving, fair & balanced, trusted name in news by falsely tweeting that President Obama was assassinated.

Oh wait, turns out much like Anthony Weiner's weiner, they too can't say with "certitude" if the obscene Tweets in question were in fact their own, or the fiendish work of some devilish hackers who coincidentally decided to declare war on the tyranny of Fox News JURNLIZM on the very day our forefathers declared war on the tyranny of the British colonial rule some 235 years ago by announcing the (hilarious?) death of our 44th president.

Which is sort of a creepy joke to make, huh? But how did everyone know these Tweets (aka Fox News' wet dreams in 140 characters) were indeed faker than Glenn Beck's gold coins?

Certainly, they were consistent with Fox News' policy of reporting nothing but the non-truth, the whole non-truth, and nothing but the non-truth, so help them God!

After all, Obama wasn't in Iowa as the posts said, NOR IS HE DEAD.

A group, vaguely aligned with Anonymous and calling itself the Script Kiddies, (for those who don't live in their parent's basements writing code, "script kiddies" is a pejorative term for wannabe hackers) claimed responsibility for hacking the Fox News Twitter account, saying the group was formed to take part in the anti-security industry movement "antisec."

As to why the group chose Fox News:

"We are looking to find information about corporations to assist with antisec," said the Script Kiddies representative. "Fox News was selected because we figured their security would be just as much of a joke as their reporting,"

Ooops! Guess they shouldn't have used 'NOBAMA DIE' as their password. Gosh, didn't Sarah Palin teach them anything???

Naturally, Fox News did everything it could to stop this vicious rumor from further spreading, except of course take down the Tweets in question, either because they don't know how, or it's just nice to dream sometimes, and vowed to investigate the incident.

“Hackers sent out several malicious and false Tweets claiming that President Obama had been assassinated. Those reports are incorrect, of course, and the president is spending the July 4 holiday with his family. The hacking is being investigated, and FoxNews.com regrets any distress the false Tweets may have created.”

Yes, Fox regrets any distress caused by the President continuing to be alive. Apologies to everybody. What they do not regret however is the resulting gazillion clicks on their website, likely from the grief-stricken joyous Fox News viewers desperately seeking that elusive certificate of live birth death.

Ya know, for certitude.

The Grifters Are Coming, The Grifters Are Coming! Sarah Palin Revisits Paul Revere's Famous Midnight Ride

World famous historian and renowned tour guide Sarah Palin continues to crisscross America in a rented tour bus to help bring knowledge (and laughter!) to the nation on her unique, one-woman quest to make history as the first woman to serve as Commander in Chief cause the nation's collective IQ to drop a couple of points every time she opens her mouth.

Like the truth about Paul Revere's famous 1775 midnight horseback ride through the countryside to warn fellow patriots Samuel Adams and John Hancock of the British Army's approach on the eve of the Revolutionary War.

“He who warned uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.”

Could she be any more brilliant?? I mean seriously, people! Who else but Sarah Louise Palin could know that Paul Revere was actually ridin' around banging on bells and firing shots into the sky like some tweaky Wasilla meth freak with a semi-automatic and an Iron Maiden t-shirt, all to protect our 2nd Amendment rights which wouldn't even exist for another 16 years?

The answer is of course, no one! Which is why our favoritest snowbilly grifter was forced to turn to, where else, Fox News to set the record straight and present the real fair and balanced truth, without the liberal lamestream media bias like facts or historical accuracy to screw it all up.

Besides, it's not like she was wrong on everything. His name was Paul and he did ride a horse! Okay, okay so maybe he was trying to warn Americans that the British were coming. But he was definitely also trying to warn the British and probably their horses too! Trust her, the man was positively hell bent on warning everything in his path!

From the New York Times:

“You know what? I didn’t mess up about Paul Revere,” she said. “In a shout-out, gotcha type of question that was asked of me, I answered candidly. And I know my American history.”

“Here is what Paul Revere did. He warned the Americans that the British were coming, the British were coming, and they were going to try take our arms and we got to make sure that we were protecting ourselves and shoring up all of ammunitions and our firearms so that they couldn’t take it."

"But remember that the British had already been there, many soldiers for seven years in that area. And part of Paul Revere’s ride — and it wasn’t just one ride — he was a courier, he was a messenger. Part of his ride was to warn the British that we’re already there. That, hey, you’re not going to succeed. You’re not going to take American arms. You are not going to beat our own well-armed persons, individual, private militia that we have. He did warn the British.”

So there you have it. Paul Revere was runnin' around shriekin' warnings at anyone who would listen on his secret bus horse ride across the Northeast to save America from the British and secret Muslim terrorist Socialist Presidents tryin' to take away their machine guns with high capacity magazines.

Oh, and if you're wondering where the hell Paul Revere was to warn us that Sarah Palin was coming, wonder no more.

He quit his ride half-way through as true heroes do.

For Once Arkansas Schoolchildren Accomplish Something Besides Morbid Obesity & Lifelong Illiteracy

Much to the rest of the nation's shock and dismay, school kids in the tiny backwater town of Russellville, Arkansas actually managed to learn something during their early years of sub-par public education, other than how to torture small animals and harass anyone whose skin isn't perfectly milky white like Jesus intended.

It's true!

The precocious li'l whippersnappers at Russellville Middle School learned, for example, that Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are two of the worst humans in history, something that many adults haven't yet realized, in America at least. It's pretty much standard knowledge in most other places. like all the smart Socialist European countries.

So being the wise, young minds they are, the students at Russellville Middle School decided to include a list of the "Top 5 Worst People Of All Time" in their yearbook, so they will always remember the truly evil who walked among us. Seems harmless enough, except some of the so-called "adults" in this small Arkansas town are very upset that their smarty-pants kids had the brains balls to rank George W. Bush and Dick Cheney fourth and fifth, respectively, on the all-time terrible people list. How dare they!

Good thing local Fox News affiliate Fox16.com is all over it:

Open up the Russellville Middle School yearbook. You’ll see the students’ pictures, the administration, and a pretty controversial list that’s supposed to be covered with a piece of black tape …. The list is titled “Top 5 worst people of all time.” The top three, in order, are Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, and Charles Manson. Numbers four and five are George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Superintendent Randall Williams calls the list “an oversight.”

What is not an oversight however, is the fact that no matter where in the US of A Fox News decides to bring its "Fair & Balanced" brand of journalism, they still cannot manage to spell "Adolf" correctly. But hey, don't worry, you still get an A for effort, Phox News!

Despite Superintendent Williams best efforts to cover this treachery with a piece of black tape, some of the Arkansas parents are still all hot n' bothered over the list—and not just because they think Dick Cheney is ranked too low, as one would think.

"My problem is the tape can be removed easily," said School Board Member Chris Cloud. Cloud has two kids in the Russellville School District and one brought home the yearbook.
"I'm furious as a parent and as a board member and as a tax payer and as a resident of Russellville," he said. "It's wrong."

Don't worry School Board Member Chris Cloud! From the looks of it, you'll be #5 on next year's list, with a bullet! Plus, with a little practice, hell, who knows, Adolph, err, Adolf Hitler may be sweatin' to stay in that top spot.

But what's even more amazing than Bush 'n Dick rounding out the world's most terrible human beings list is that an entire class of youngsters in Arkansas actually made it to Middle School!

Guess the kids are alright!

Sarah Palin Says Aloud What The Rest Of Us Silently Wondered, Is Libya A War Or A Squirmish?

Leading Shakespearean scholar and philosopher of Facebook, Dr. Sarah Louise Palin is very confused about what the dickens is going on over in Liberia, err, Latvia, wait, or was it Libya (she can never remember!), and not just because she's a stupid snowbilly grifter whose IQ is the same number as the average winter temperature in Wasilla.

Heavens no!

It is simply because during his latest failed attempt to do anything, Barack Hussein Obama refused to say exactly what the U.S. of A is even doing in this weird Muslim country she's never heard of. Is it a war, an intervention, or as Sarah suspects, some kind of squirmish, which the rest of us can only assume is either a battle to the death between two Earth worms, or a kind of practice-war, a squimmage, of sorts.

All of which Sarah finds so disconcerting that she just had to immediately go on her favoritest Fox News to "refudiate" all the terrible things Barack Obama did or did not say during his God-awful, hoity-toity, nuance-filled, elitist, non-war declaring, pussy address to America.

Wait, what's this we hear? Sarah did start to feel some of that hopey-changey hogwash NObama is always squawking 'n squeaking about during that magical moment when he decided to toss in some ridiculous "North Star" metaphor in his speech.

Turns out, this is the exact sort of idiocy Sarah Palin likes.

"The Great North Star, with its abiding light o'er land and sea. A beacon bright!" she squeals in delight, before going off on some weird tangent about the North Star bein' Alaskan's GPS system and usin' it as a guide to stay focused on what really matters. (Making Mount McKinley's of money?)

Umm, yeah. Not only does Obama have a brand spanking new squirmish on his hands, he's also starting to talk like Sarah Palin's even more special needs alter ego, Lou Sarah.

OMG, we're all sqruewed!

And to think, I always thought squirmish was the sound of some silly squank stomping on the English language!

In Megyn Kelly's World, Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, They Make A Fox News Segment!

Fox News reporter Megyn Kelly has a question: "A man beats a 100 pound woman into a coma over a parking space. He claims she deserves it. Could he be right? In Kelly's Court!"

I don't know, could he be right? Wait, did you say it was over a parking space? So, umm, in that case, no probably not. Why are you even asking that, Megyn? What the hell is wrong with you anyway, ya freak bitch!?

Oh, and in normal people's court, Megyn, it is customary to at least get your facts straight when Tweeting idiocy about angry men punching petite ladies into comas over parking spots. Because, here's the thing, Oscar Fuller never claimed Lana Rosas deserved to be beaten into a coma. His excuse was "she hit first" and he hit back "out of reflex."

Oh well! Guess that's why it's called Kelly's Court!

So the moral of the story is never trust anyone with two first names.Especially when one of them is misspelled.

And just remember ladies, try not to do anything that might get you punched unconscious!

Oh yeah and Happy Women's Day!

OMG, Glenn Beck's Deteriorating Ratings (& Mind!) May Get Him Dropped From Fox In A Massive Conspiracy To Stop It From Being The Golden-Voiced Homeless Man Of News Networks

There goes the price of gold gold-plated coins!

The arugula-eating liberal elitists over at the New York Times have peered into their (Swarovski) crystal ball to see what the future holds for America's #1 favoritest golden haired weeping prophet of doom, Glenn Beck, and his one-man amateur puppet show/truth crusade at Fox News.

And much like the fate of humanity, it doesn't look good.

His audience has dropped by a third since his glorious "I Have A Dream" MLK Teabagger rally for white people this summer, most advertisers (not in the faux gold collectible business) won't touch Glenn's increasingly insane George Soros/Planned Parenthood's/Islamic Jihad global conspiracy chalkboard drawing presentations with a ten foot pole, and his ratings among younger viewers are falling precipitously because apparently, only those who drink Ensure and wear Depends are comforted by a raging paranoid schizophrenic madman with delusions of grandeur shrieking at them about the impending death and destruction, thanks to Muslims, abortionists, Socialist presidents from Kenya, and of course, the Jews.

Could this really be the end of the blessed Jesus-approved union between one manic depressive madman and one womanizing faux news network of washed up former Hooters waitresses and shameless rightwing propaganda?

New York Times reporter David Carr explains:

Mr. Beck, a conservative Jeremiah and talk-radio phenomenon, burst into television prominence in 2009 by taking the forsaken 5 p.m. slot on Fox News and turning it into a juggernaut...He achieved unheard-of ratings, swamped the competition and at times seemed to threaten the dominion of Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity at Fox.
But a funny thing happened on the way from the revolution. Since last August, when he summoned more than 100,000 followers to the Washington mall for the “Restoring Honor” rally, Mr. Beck has lost over a third of his audience on Fox — a greater percentage drop than other hosts at Fox. True, he fell from the great heights of the health care debate in January 2010, but there has been worrisome erosion — more than one million viewers — especially in the younger demographic.
He still has numbers that just about any cable news host would envy and, with about two million viewers a night, outdraws all his competition combined. But the erosion is significant enough that Fox News officials are willing to say — anonymously, of course; they don’t want to be identified as criticizing the talent — that they are looking at the end of his contract in December and contemplating life without Mr. Beck.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait just a second! His audience has fallen by a third since his magical Teabagger rally this summer??

So I guess a miracle really did occur that day! A large percentage of Glenny's audience has fallen and can't get up!

But the big question remains, why was no one wearing their life alerts why force this blue-eyed, baby-faced, intellectual savior and messenger of truth off television, now?

The problem with “Glenn Beck” is that it has turned into a serial doomsday machine that’s a bummer to watch. 
What had been a fast and loose assault on all things liberal has grown darker and less entertaining, especially with the growing revolution in the Middle East, a phenomenon Mr. Beck sees as something of a beginning to some kind of end. He’s often alone in the studio with his chalkboards and obscure factoids, a setting that reminds me of an undergrad seminar on macroeconomics with an around-the-bend professor I didn’t particularly enjoy. 

Or a 2001 Academy Award winner starring Russell Crowe?

As he grabbed all the disparate strands from around the globe and tied them into a great, grand bow of doom, he ambled alone between various blackboards, each jammed with portentous bullet points. He often looked away from the camera into a middle distance as he spoke of a calamity that only he can see.
“He used to be a lot funnier,” said David Von Drehle, who wrote the article in Time magazine. “He was the befuddled everyman and something entirely new, but the longer people have listened to his ranting and raving, the wearier they become. Now you are just getting down to diehards. I mean, how many people were in the Waco compound at the end? A couple of hundred?” 

Oh what, you think every mentally ill schmuck with basic cable gets to join the Rapture??

Joel Cheatwood, a senior vice president of development for Fox News and the executive in charge of the show, thinks it’s silly to suggest that the American viewing public’s romance with Mr. Beck is on the wane — he’s trouncing his competition — but says that keeping the show upbeat is something he discusses with Mr. Beck.
“We have talked about that, at his instigation,” Mr. Cheatwood said. “It is really important that no matter how dire he thinks things are or what horrible direction things may be going from his perspective that the show maintains a sense of hope.”
“What you see on television with Glenn is the real guy,” he added, “and that is a double-edged sword. If he is upset about something, you see it.”

With all that Vick's VapoRub he poured into his peepers, you God damn better!

Poor Beckerheads. Where will they get their daily dose of the absurd, incoherent ramblings of a syphilitic mind now?

Sarah Palin's Twitter? Charlie Sheen's Tiger Korner?

But still, Beck remained thankful.

“Two years ago, I was on a cable channel that no one was watching at the time, doing a show that no one was watching, and I was about to leave television. And then I had the opportunity to come and work here,” he said. “If you’re going to do news or commentary, the only place, I think in the world, the only place that really makes an impact is Fox.”

In the same way that a massive asteroid slamming into Planet Earth made "an impact" on the dinosaurs.

48 Cringe-Worthy Examples Of What Not To Do When Interviewing The President Of The United States

As you already know (hell, I told you yesterday, for chrissake!), fearless Fox News reporter of truth and resident philosopher of the moon, tides, and all wonders of the vast cosmos, Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly, conducted a much anticipated, super hyped Super Bowl interview with sitting President of the United States, Barack Obama.

Only it was less an "interview" and more 15 minutes of Bill O'Reilly smirking and shrieking wildly, while oh-so-nicely, occasionally letting President Obama maybe get a word or two in every few seconds, before promptly interrupting him, as is proper etiquette for anyone interviewing THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

Manners people!

Good thing the non-Fox News liberal media elites over at Wonkette took it upon themselves to count up all 48, yes FORTY-EIGHT times, Bill O'Reilly annoyingly interrupted the man, and then mash it all together in one delightfully fun video for your viewing pleasure:

Ugh, can you believe the nerve of that God-awful NObama!? Interrupting Bill's interruptions once or twice in a desperate attempt to squeeze a word in, or maybe just ask the man how da moon gotted dere in da sky, as if he were a Very Important Person or something.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET BILL SPEAK, YOU JERK!

Finally, a lesson in how real journalists do interviews. Loudly, brusquely, and with all the class & grace of Kanye West crashing an awards show.

"Yo B-Rock, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish, but Ronald Reagan is one of the greatest, most unbelievable presidents of all time. One of the greatest presidents of all time!"

Huh, what's that you say? You can't hear me!?

FUCK IT!!! WE'LL INTERRUPT HIM LIVE THEN!!!!

President Obama & Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly Discuss The Super Bowl, And Also How You Can Simultaneously Be A Pin Head & A Prick, Yet Still Manage To Stay Inflated

In the single most anticipated television event in the history of mankind (or one man's decaying mind), two longtime, bitter rivals go head-to-head in an epic showdown to settle the score once and for all, while millions of prying eyes tuned in, anxiously waiting to see which side emerges victorious.

No, no, not which particular shade of fluorescent yellow padded spandex pants got to hoist the Lombardi Trophy and claim world bragging rights as the bestest, most-mindblowingly amazingest, awesomest team ever to score more points than their opponent in the history of Super Bowl XLV!

(Hint: The team with the young, rocket-armed quarterback who hasn't allegedly raped at least one woman).

The epic, edge-of-your-seat battle between Fox News' foremost expert on the moon and tides, and inexplicable rage, resident anger bear Papa Bill O'Reilly vs. the 44th President of the United States of Socialism and Dead Grannies, or Smart, Sane people, depending on your perspective, and also whether you dress up as Benjamin Franklin or Paul Revere in your spare time, Barack Obama.

Woohoo! Let the games begin!

It started out amicable enough, with President Obama taking each one of Bill O'Reilly's insultingly asinine questions to waste time before kickoff in casual stride, even going so far as to try to answer them in as simple and clear a way possible, so Bill's regular Fox News audience could understand, without the aid of Glenn Beck's chalkboard flowcharts and marionette puppet shows.

Like why "there's nothing Socialist" about the health care bill, despite Papa Bear Bill and the entire Fox News team's fairly imbalanced rantings that affordable health insurance for all Americans means goodbye granny and the end of the free world as we know it.

And also why, despite a couple of wingnut fringe federal judges rulings that a sensible health care system which doesn't boot dying children from coverage is unconstitutional, his administration is not focused on "refighting the battles of the last two years" nor "prepared to go back to a day when a pre-existing condition could mean not getting medical treatment or help."

Ugh!

So, tough titties to all those red, white, and blue patriots pining for a kinder, gentler time when average, hardworking Americans could still enjoy the God-given freedom to go bankrupt trying to battle bone cancer.

O'Reilly then asked Obama if he had "moved to the center" after getting shellacked in the midterm elections, which is about the dumbest question you could possibly ask a sitting president, especially one whose brain power allows him to do a number of things, like correctly pronounce the word "nuclear," or say, spontaneously come up with a reply that is both grammatically correct, makes sense, and doesn't just string together a bunch of random English words in whatever order they pop into your head.

Saying he was focused on making sure the economy is growing (Boo-ya!!), Obama denied a shift to the imaginary happy land known as the political center, insisting "I'm the same guy."

"My common sense focus right now is how to we out-innovate, out-educate, out-build, out-compete the rest of the world?" he said. "How do we create jobs here in the United States of America? How do we make sure that businesses are thriving? But how do we also -- making sure that ordinary Americans can live out the American dream?"

Hmmm...tax breaks for the rich? Kill the poors? Ban the gays? Drill baby drill? Buy more guns? Bomb more Muslims?

Then, with a gloating gleam in his eye, O'Reilly asked the president, "Does it disturb you that so many people hate you?" Courtesy, of course, of a certain cranky Fox News host's rabid, 'round-the-clock regurgitation of outrageous lies and baseless mistruths meant to mischaracterize the president and mislead the public.

To which Obama coolly responded, "The people who dislike you don't know you. The folks who hate you, they don't know you. What they hate is whatever funhouse mirror image of you that's out there. They don't know you. And so, you don't take it personally."

Oooh, but what about when that funhouse mirror image of you happens to include a Hitler mustache, watermelon patch, and crosshairs placed directly over your now-oddly Planet of the Apes-like image?

Finally the discussion turned to football, which, of course, is why God gave us the ability to shovel seven-layer bean dip into our mouths and Super Bowl Sunday in the first place.

Not surprisingly, Obama refused to pick a side because, "once my Bears lost, I don't pick sides."

Which prompted the ever-lovely and respectful O'Reilly to follow up with a characteristically dickish, "So, you don't care?"

"I do care, I want a great game... But these are pretty evenly matched teams. You know, I think Green Bay is probably a little faster. Steelers got a little more experience. I think the Steelers not having their starting center is something they've got to be worried about."

Oh what, now America's most winningest football should be worried too? Why? Because now they lost their starting center and their country to illegal, radical, half-black, full out Kenyan Muslim Socialist Terrorist Presidents?

But by that time, hardly anyone was watching because it was minutes before kickoff, and thus time to begin the ceremonious stirring of the giant vats of guacamole, while shoving as many spicy chicken wings into open gaping holes as humanly possible, in breathless anticipation of some scantily clad fading star's butchering of the national anthem.

While, the coveted one-on-one facetime with Obama likely fell short of Bill O'Reilly ever-humble prediction as the "most watched interview of all time," it did offer a possible win-win for both President Obama and Fox.

O'Reilly got the once-in-a-lifetime chance to have his massive Super Bowl audience, and possibly career-saving, record-busting ratings, while the President had the opportunity to look like a smart, reasonable, stand-up guy for indulging in prime-time, pre-Super Bowl banter with a jealous, spiteful, highly visible, highly vocal, likely also highly unstable, intellectually outmatched critic, who'd like nothing more than to kick Obama's cool, calm, collected hindskin through the uprights at Cowboy stadium.

Which come to think of it, Bill, is actually how the moon got there!

Still, no explanation for the jumping cow, though.

Fox News Knows The First Step In Solving The Crisis In Egypt Is Accurately Knowing Where It Is Located On A Map, Or Just Shoving It In The Spot Formerly Known As Iraq

Did the 60-year military dictatorship in Egypt end while you wasted away your weekend drinking Four Loko in the desperate hopes that enough carbonated toxic liquid would help make either of the not one, but two miserable All-Star snoozefests on the boob tube at least mildly entertaining, if not outright depressing?

Eh, no not yet. Still-President Hosni Mubarak continues to pretend that he is not the reason hundreds of thousands of angry Egyptians are rioting in the streets in violent protest of his 30-year iron-fisted rule over Egypt.

Did Fox News suddenly wake up and realize it was retarded? Unfortunately, not yet either.

Which is why, much like ol' Hosni M, Fox News cannot be held responsible for this particular comically special needs map, or any of the dumb, terrible, unintentional consequences it caused because it was broadcast before the current crisis, just like Mubarak was "elected" (one bullet=one vote) before the Egyptian Army started firing on peaceful pro-democracy gatherings of its citizens, demanding an end to Mubarak's repressive, though-not-completely-horrible-in-the-scheme-of-things rule.

Just think of what would happen if Egypt were actually directly on top of Iraq, like total catacomb style, and also next to Iran. For one thing, the U.S. occupation liberation forces in Iraq would be squished or suffocated, because of Egypt being on top of them and all!

Not to mention, what we thought were the awe-inspiring, ancient Pyramids of Giza turned out to be nothing more than the paper mache visual representations of Saddam Hussein's 100% UN guaranteed, get-rich-quick oil-for-food/not-killing-Iraqis Ponzi scheme.

But Fox News' ingested-too-many-paint-chips-as-a-kid-maps aside, could it be that the six decades of Egyptian military autocracy, led by the 82-year-old Egyptian version of Al Davis, is officially over, dunzo, finito?

Ummm, maybe. After all, Mubarak did name new cabinet members and convince the military to kindly agree not "to shoot-to-kill" peaceful protesters, even if Mubarak refuses to let the Internet Menace oust him from power, in 140-characters or less.

Meanwhile, the Obama White House expressed his administration's desire for restraint and a peaceful, orderly transition to a more responsive, democratic government, while at the same time warning against a takeover by religious militants who want to destroy the world, on their holy quest to bang 72 pristine virgins who've never even heard of the Jersey Shore.

In return, they will stop supporting (financially and otherwise) the decades-long reign of quasi-dictators like Hosni Mubarak simply because oh, I don't know, say, Egypt's fragile, albeit critical peace with Israel, sanctioned by Mubarak himself, helped stave off world-wide catastrophe in the form of World War III or worse, throughout the second half of the last century.

“The American government cannot ask the Egyptian people to believe that a dictator who has been in power for 30 years will be the one to implement democracy,” Mohamed ElBaradei, former head of the UN nuclear watchdog, told CBS’s “Face the Nation.”
“This is really a farce. I mean, people here could be poor, but they’re intelligent.

Ha ha, well, guess what!? Not only are Americans getting poorer, they also happen to be getting progressively dumber and increasingly obese at the same time. It's called having your Snooki and eating it too!

Not to mention, we Americans are diligent multi-taskers who believe that God granted us exclusive rights to rule the world when He lovingly crafted Adam and Eve out of clay and his own omnipotent wherewithal, in the Olive Garden or Garden of Eden or something.

If the American public was told a dictator who'd been ruling with an iron fist for 30 years, and blamed for widespread poverty, inflation, official indifference and brutality, would be tasked with implementing a democracy it's never had, they would believe it.

Hell, they believe Fox News, don't they?

Because they are an advanced, intelligent society whose brain cells are used for important matters like determining how many grams of high-grade cocaine and high-class call girls Charlie Sheen needs to snort and abuse, respectively, before deserving widespread public support and an all expense-paid vacation to a luxury spa/rehab resort in Southern California. Not how to overthrow a corrupt regime and install a democratically elected government that actually respects the universal human rights of all Egyptians instead.

So take that, Egypt, ya lazy bones mother mummy f**kers!

Besides, oil's well that ends well! Or at least that ends with decent oil prices so concerned Americans can drive their gas guzzling SUVs to their own wondrous, culturally indispensable, ancient Egyptian civilization...at the Luxor Hotel. In Las Vegas.

Glenn Beck's Fake Tears & Sarah Palin's Dumb Tweets Don't Kill People (Just Brain Cells); Crazy People With Semiautomatic Weapons Do!

Usually when a young 20-something man goes on a bloody shooting rampage, killing a whole bunch of innocent people, everyone is equally shocked and stunned and horrified, and nobody ever, in a million years, saw it coming. 

Not so with Jared Loughner, the deranged 22-year-old lunatic who shot Arizona's popular Democratic Rep. Gabrielle Giffords point blank in the head, killed six others, including a little 9 year-old-girl, and injured 19 more in a tragic massacre outside a Tuscon Safeway during a 'Congress On Your Corner' meet 'n greet on Saturday.

Basically, everyone who met the dude was absolutely convinced it was only a matter of time before he went out and shot a bunch of people. The only question really was when.

This is what most people who knew this kid for the past few years are saying: he was a freaky loner who scared the bejesus out of anyone with a pulse. Which means everyone outside of Dick Cheney was pretty much convinced this guy was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode, probably sooner than later, all over Arizona.

Now while the residents of Arizona may have been concerned about Jared Loughner, the state of Arizona was never really going to try to help him or anything because c'mon he wasn't a dirty Mexican or anything. And also personal responsibility! And fix your own damn mental health problems! This is America Arizona, after all!

What Arizona was willing to do however, was help this more-likely-than-not mentally unstable young man purchase his semi automatic murder weapon of choice (a Glock 9mm), as well as the 30+ shot extended magazine clip for extra flesh 'n bone rippin' fun!

Until one of those very same bullets he purchased legally and with little effort actually pierced the flesh of an innocent person, or in this case, like 20 innocent people.

“I was getting concerned about the safety of the students and the school,” said algebra instructor Ben McGahee, who took to glancing out of the corner of his eye when he was writing on the board for fear that Mr. Loughner might do something. “I was afraid he was going to pull out a weapon.”

A student in the class, Lynda Sorenson, 52, wrote an e-mail to a friend expressing her concerns.
“We do have one student in the class who was disruptive today, I’m not certain yet if he was on drugs (as one person surmised) or disturbed. He scares me a bit,” Ms. Sorenson wrote in an e-mail in June that was forwarded Sunday to The New York Times.

“The teacher tried to throw him out and he refused to go, so I talked to the teacher afterward. Hopefully he will be out of class very soon, and not come back with an automatic weapon.”

Mr. Loughner’s behavior grew so troubling that he was told he could no longer attend the school, and he appeared, given his various Internet postings, to find a sense of community in some of the more paranoid corners of the Internet.

At a meeting in early October at the college’s northwest campus, where he attended classes, Mr. Loughner said he would withdraw. Three days later, the college sent him a letter telling him that if he wanted to return, he would need to undergo a mental health evaluation. “After this event, there was no further college contact with Loughner,” the college said in a statement.

Not surprisingly, the media has been falling over themselves trying to figure out what on God's green earth could have sparked Jared Lee Loughner to turn from your everyday run-of-the-mill weirdo into a paranoid schizophrenic/raging bloodthirsty madman obsessed with grammar and currency who shoots elected officials and nine-year-old girls with semiautomatic weapons in front of grocery stores.

When Bryce Tierney first heard about the Tucson massacre, he had a sickening feeling: “They hadn’t released the name, but I said, ‘Holy shit, I think it’s Jared that did it.’” Tierney tells Mother Jones in an exclusive interview that Loughner held a years-long grudge against Giffords and had repeatedly derided her as a “fake.

Since hearing of the rampage, Tierney has been trying to figure out why Loughner did what he allegedly did. "More chaos, maybe," he says. "I think the reason he did it was mainly to just promote chaos. He wanted the media to freak out about this whole thing. He wanted exactly what's happening. He wants all of that."

Tierney thinks that Loughner's mindset was like the Joker in the most recent Batman movie: "He fucks things up to fuck shit up, there's no rhyme or reason, he wants to watch the world burn. He probably wanted to take everyone out of their monotonous lives: 'Another Saturday, going to go get groceries'—to take people out of these norms that he thought society had trapped us in."

Of course, the problem with trying to understand the incomprehensible behavior of an obviously deranged man is that genuine craziness like Loughner's rejects easy classification and defies explanation. So accusing Sarah Palin and assorted other rifle-totin' Teabaggers of somehow inspiring or fostering this type of action is sort of like blaming birthday clowns for John Wayne Gacy or Alive: The Story of the Andes Survivors for Jeffrey Dahmer.

Sure, it doesn't help that public figures like Sarah Palin put up interactive maps with gun crosshairs targeting political rivals, like Gabrielle Giffords for instance, and constantly remind America "Don't Retreat, Reload." But even if we were to ban all the Sarah Palins and Glenn Becks in the world, crazy is still crazy. And in America, a person like Loughner may be too crazy for community college but certainly not too crazy to waltz into a store and waltz out with a semiautomatic weapon.

One of the talking points about the Tucson shooting is that the gun used is “just the same as the one police use”, and that’s true – the Glock 9mm pistol is a common police sidearm. But, police carry it with a 15 shot clip, not the 30+ shot extended magazine Loughner used. By the definition of the assault weapon ban, it’s an assault gun with that extended mag.

And since Arizona essentially has no gun laws, there was nothing to stop a lunatic like Loughner from purchasing a gun, loading it, driving to the local Tuscon Safeway and opening fire on a crowd of unarmed men, woman, and children.

Perhaps, instead of asking the likes of Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, the Tea Party and the entire Fox News team to refrain from open hatred and violent inflammatory rhetoric, we would be much better served considering enacting barriers to the purchase of semi-automatic weapons by obviously insane people.

Because if there's one thing America has collectively agreed upon at this point, it is that restricting our freedom to say meany things to one another is a helluva lot easier and more desirable than restricting our favoritest freedom to acquire powerful firearms to use on one another.

Apparently, many in our great nation, and in Arizona particularly, believe that registering firearms, requiring competency evaluations, or mandating that all gun sales be accompanied by a note from a mental health professional certifying mental stability is waaaaaay too much of a burden than say, the occasional senseless slaughter of innocent people and nine-year-old girls.

Good thing Arizona Governor Jan Brewer understands that the good people of America would much prefer to have the occasional mass killing than reasonable restrictions on the rights of crazy people to buy guns.

What Gov. Brewer is upset about, however isn't the selling of a semi-automatic assault weapon to a crazy person or even her state's terrible negligence when it comes to caring for the mentally ill, since they are pathetic losers who nobody likes anyway.

No, no what really grinds ol' Jan Brewer's gears is the fact that Loughner is not a Mexican, because everyone knows Mexicans are terrible criminals responsible for every unspeakable act of violence, everywhere.

Had Loughner been Mexican or even so much as looked even slightly Mexicanish, this whole tragedy would never have happened.

Dude would have been (legally!) harassed and detained so many times, he probably wouldn't even have made it to the damn Safeway.

Most Mexicans can't. Why else would they call it Safeway?

Duh!

New Study Proves What We All Suspected: It's Not A Person's Fault They're Conservative, It's Their Damaged Brain!

Bored sexless scientists in dreary old Londontowne, England have discovered what most of humanity has already long suspected: scientists are boring, socially awkward, sexually deprived dweebs with a bit too much time on their hands. Err, wait, we didn't need a study to prove that.

What we did (apparently) need a study to prove, however, is that conservatism is a brain disorder and those who lean to the right are actually a bunch of mentally deranged freaks of nature.

This isn't just a bunch of liberal ballyhoo, this is actual science!

Turns out scientists at University College London discovered that people who cling to a more conservative ideology have a larger amygdala, the part of the brain that controls "anxiety and emotion," (think a weeping Glenn Beck), as well as a smaller anterior cingulate, which controls bravery and optimism (think Anger Bear Papa O'Reilly).

According to the Telegraph:

Prof Geraint Rees, who led the research, said: "We were very surprised to find that there was an area of the brain that we could predict political attitude."

"It is very surprising because it does suggest there is something about political attitude that is encoded in our brain structure through our experience or that there is something in our brain structure that determines or results in political attitude."

Prof Rees and his team, who carried out the research for the Today programme on BBC Radio 4, looked at the brain make up of the Labour MP Stephen Pound and Alan Duncan, the Conservative Minister of State for International Development using a scanner.

They also questioned a further 90 students, who had already been scanned for other studies, about their political views.

The results, which will be published next year, back up a study that showed that some people were born with a "Liberal Gene" that makes people more likely to seek out less conventional political views.

So there you have it, folks. It is no longer some wild, groundless assumption or crazy hackneyed stereotype to say that conservatism is a brain disorder. It has now been definitely proven by this one 90-person study.

So the next time you get in a heated debate with your 90-year-old Aunt Nelly about whether Obamar is really a secret Muslim terrorist Socialist from Kendonesia or gays are gross, disease spreading abominations who deserve to be shipped off to some crowded island of homosinuality (Manhattan?), not granted actual human rights, remember this simple undisputed scientific fact: conservatives are all mentally impaired mutations who are stupid and idiotic. And brain-damaged.

They can't help themselves. They were born that way!

Hey, don't get mad at me. Get mad at science!

Ignorance Is Freedom! New Poll Proves Fox News Viewers Are The Dumbest, Most Uninformed People In The World, Right After Fox News' Hosts

But why do the poll numbers add up to 120%, mommy? Because junior, everyone knows 100% is for pussies, math geeks, and lame-o Democrats. Not for hot, sexy Fox News, the undisputed leader in feigned 9/11 outrage, shamelessly bad graphics, mentally unstable news anchors, and baseless lies and mistruths, proudly poisoning America since 1996!

And now science has finally proven what the whole world already long suspected: People who get their "news" from Fox are the absolute dumbest, most mindblowingly idiotic, misinformed bunch of misanthrope misfits to ever grace the face of God's once green Earth. These morons have literally zero clue what's going on with umm, well, basically anything.

It's true!

A new University of Maryland study, "Misinformation and the 2010 Election," judging how likely consumers of various news outlets and publications were to believe misinformation on a wide range of political issues revealed some startling, or not so startling, results depending on whether you've spent the last six months holed up underground in one of Glenn Beck's emergency post-apocalyptic fallout shelters and bartering with armed, marauding nomads using his one-of-a-kind fake gold coins or not.

While consumers of virtually every news outlet believed some information disseminated during the 2010 election was false (90% of respondents overall), the study found that Fox News viewers, regardless of political affiliation, were "significantly more likely" to erroneously believe that:

• Most economists estimate the stimulus caused job losses (12 points more likely)
• Most economists have estimated the health care law will worsen the deficit (31 points)
• The economy is getting worse (26 points)
• Most scientists do not agree that climate change is occurring (30 points)
• The stimulus legislation did not include any tax cuts (14 points)
• Their own income taxes have gone up (14 points)
• The auto bailout only occurred under Obama (13 points)
• When TARP came up for a vote most Republicans opposed it (12 points)
• And that it is not clear that Obama was born in the United States (31 points)

So, whether it's wrongly believing that Republicans voted against TARP, a big business government program created by the Republican administration of REPUBLICAN George W. Bush, or being unable to comprehend the simple fact (and yes, it is a fact) that global temperatures are rising at an alarming rate (because it still snows in winter), the Fox News viewer is a particularly dangerous animal. Because, unlike say your average CNN or MSNBC viewer, the Fox News watcher cannot, will not, be swayed in their retarded, ass backwards beliefs that NObama is a no-good, Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist from the Soviet Union of Kenya, no matter how many times you shove his actual Hawaiian birth certificate in their dumb faces.

And like anyone inundated to a constant stream of racist rightwing lies, half-truths, and Papa Bear's pin head vs. patriot propaganda, the more a person is exposed to Fox News, the more they start to believe they are living in some doomsday hellscape led by Comrade Barry and his roving death squad of shovel-wielding Socialist sociopaths scheming to take out Granny and li'l baby Trigger.

Not only are they the stupidest people on earth, but they are 120% sure they are the smartest creatures to ever have sprouted from God's magic man-makin' dust and Adam's rib on the Sixth Day!

So there you have it folks. While common sense already told you that Fox News viewers have the most terrible, God-awful taste in food, fashion, hairstyles, houses/trailer homes, books, music, movies, art, artificial tear drops, architecture, and of course anchors, scientific evidence proves that Fox News viewers believe insanely ridiculous things about the stimulus, the economy, taxes, health care, the automobile industry bailout, unemployment, science, math and weather.

Naturally, actual Fox News viewers weren't bothered by the findings in the slightest because like seriously, c'mon, who the hell believes in science these days anyway?

Certainly not America's favoritest weeping Jesus and resident chalkboard & puppet scholar Glenn Lee Beck. He believes in a different kind of "profit." Ya know, the kind that usually ends in a bunch of zeroes.

Just like the Fox News audience!

But much like the eternal chicken/egg dilemma, one burning question remains unsolved:

Do they watch Fox News because they are idiots, or are they idiots because they watch Fox News?

Scholar Sarah Palin Gives America's Lamestream Media A Wink & Very Important Lesson In Journalism

Never-ending nightmare, glorified nature guide and possible 2012 presidential candidate Sarah Palin went on the only fair and balanced network in all the lamestream media, Fox News, to tell its decidedly unbiased host Sean Hannity all the sensible reasons why she, Sarah Louise Palin, will not bother speaking to biased interviewers like Katie Couric or answer any of their biased, gotcha! questions like "what newspapers do you read?" because of all the bias 'n stuff.

After all, Sarah is a journalist.

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree. I studied journalism, who, what, where, when, and why of reporting," Sarah said, trying her very hardest to remember the Five Ws she scribbled on the palm of her hand while a student at University of Hawaii at Hilo, Hawaii Pacific University, North Idaho College, Matanuska-Susitna College, University of Idaho, err, one of the five colleges she attended in six years.

"I will speak to reporters who still understand that cornerstone of our democracy, that expectation that the public has for truth to be reported.  And then we get to decide our own opinion based on the facts reported to us," Sarah added, channeling the very journalistic integrity that defined her pivotal Pulitzer prize-worthy months-long stint as a sports reporter for the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman.

“So a journalist, a reporter who is so biased and will, no doubt, spin and gin up whatever it is that I have to say to create controversy, I swear to you, I will not my waste my time with her. Or him."

Hear that all you arugula eating librul mainstream media elites with your hoity-toity grammar rules ginnin' up whatever it is Sarah has to say to create controversy or even an actual coherent sentence in the English language because of some crazy notion that word order and syntax are not optional.

“As for doing an interview, though, with a reporter who already has such a bias against whatever it is that I would come out and say? Why waste my time? No."

Like say if for some reason she couldn't answer hard-hitting, almost impossible questions like, "What's your favorite moose recipe?" "Where's Waldo?" or "When it comes to establishing your world view, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read?" and the interviewer kept pressing her because maybe they had a bias against stupid Alaskan flakes (not the snow kind) seriously attempting to be vice-president.

Well, no thank you, ma'am! Besides, the only thing she reads is her own unbiased Facebook page, so take that, Katie, you smug little smarty pants with your big words, functioning brain, and more than special needs command of the English language.

Not to mention, Katie Couric's not even on Fox, and everyone knows Jesus died for our sins so unqualified politicians plucked from the middle of nowhere could go on round-the-clock right wing propaganda machines instead of actual news programs that expect you to answer their simple, straightforward questions, not wink and grunt non sequiturs.

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism."

Sarah, stupid? Haha! That's unpossible!

Dang media elites!

What she really meant to say was: "Me want fix to help news media the mess it is today since learn I good journalism."

Sarah Palin my name is, and this, I approve, message.

Fox News Sued For Being Terrible, Racist Propaganda Peddlers, Aka Fox News

Fox News is a place where angry white men, unstable, born again recovering alcoholic/drug addicts turned gold hawking Mormon Messiahs, and washed up, bitter, fake blonde ex-Hooters waitresses go to make a quick buck blurting out whatever terrible, racist stuff about blacks, Arabs, Muslims, Mexicans, gays, women, Jews, gross poor people, that demon child NObama, elitist liberals, and anyone who isn't white, rich, and dumb as Doocy, as obnoxious and often as the constant 24-hour news cycle allows.

Which, as it turns out, is a lot! Because America's favoritest Fox News isn't just a place where people get paid 'n promoted for spewing hateful lies about minority misfits like dumb women who don't even dabble in witchcraft or spend their days convincing people not to touch the sinful place between their legs, or arugula-eating elitists whose brains function above special needs level.

It's also where a moderate black man with a Hispanic name can go to get fired from his day job as an actual reporter at a respectable news outlet for saying awful, bigoted stuff about Muslims, or say, the one black employee can get constantly harassed and discriminated against 'round the clock before suing the bejesus out of the company for everyone being racist assholes all around him, all the time.

Ooooh, sounds Foxy!

Harmeen Jones, a 32-year old Fox News technician (and token "black man") says he was fired from the network last year after complaining to Human Resources about the daily barrage of offensive remarks about anyone not perfectly snow white and Christian he endured while working at the most fair and balanced network in all the world, Fox News.

He's suing for $3 million, and claims he was even physically threatened by one employee, Damien Rodriguez, who got in his face and said, "I’m the reason you got hired, and if it wasn’t for me you’d be fired. You must think I’m a punk, we can take this to the streets."

Hmmm, is this because all black people are strong, scrappy types who settle their disputes the manly stud way, with two fists in the middle of a crowded intersection? Who knows? Could be, if Papa Bear says it is God damn it!

Here's a sample of some of the Fox News fun Jones had the distinct privilege of experiencing!

• While watching footage from a Tea Party rally, one colleague allegedly opined, "This is what happens when you mess with white people's health care."
• During the 2008 presidential campaign, Jones says two of his coworkers said they wouldn't feel comfortable having a black president. At that point one of men turned to him and allegedly asked, "Am I offending your blackness?"
• Jones also claims that on another occasion he was told, "You look like a gangster" and "You look like you're ready to shoot someone."

Jones also says his co-workers pretended not to hear him when he made transmission requests, and that his superiors denied his requests for paid training, while giving other, less senior white employees paid training. And when he finally complained to Human Resources, his co-workers called him a "snitch" and he was promptly called by Steve Cary, the Director of Operations, who allegedly told him, "We gave you a chance and you repay us by making complaints to HR? You are terminated."

Hasta la vista, blacky!

Because over at Fox News, the only color that matters is $weet green, so long as you're not some uppity negro crying racism every time some white network exec discriminates against you because of said blackness. Buck up Junior! This isn't MSNBC.

You wanna play with the big boys you better start acting like one! That means brush up on your hatred, practice reciting the 101 reasons why everyone should be terrified of evil Muslims (that every Fox News employee receives in their welcome packet!), and for Christ's sake, figure out a way to cover up that hideous chocolatey skin color of yours before you make everyone uncomfortable with such obvious, in-your-face blackness. It's just downright rude!

I mean seriously, who does Fox News have to screw (over?) to find a nice colored fellow with the decency to at least act like a white man, or enough dignity to let everyone else feel comfortable in their own white supremacist skin, when going about their daily task scaring the bejesus out of America, as the most popular #1 news program and Jesus-blessed, race-baiting, terrorist organization ever to grace the face of God's once pure, once all-white, now worthless, minority-muddled brown Earth.

Cause who needs facts when you've got fear?

Faux News: All The News That's Fit To (Mis)print!

Glenn Beck Cannot Possibly Die, Because Death Is For Mere Mortals, Not Blind Prophets On The Sacred Path To Involuntary Commitment

Holy Mental Mormons! Blond haired angel of truth and possibly soon-to-be blind prophet Glenn Beck took to his favoritest radio show, his own, to reveal some very startling news: the divine messenger himself, Glenn Lee Beck, may be dying! OMG!

Err, at least we think so, as Glenn Beck is being very cryptic about the whole thing, so it is very hard to understand exactly what the hell he's talking about. Especially without the aid of chalkboard, and any semblance of a rational brain.

So anyway, Glenn got all weepy and teary-eyed (and not the Vick's VapoRub kind of teary) on his radio show, which usually is a once-every-ten-minute-occurrence, but this time he seemed even more down than usual, and resigned to the fact that he might (or might not) be totally dying, likely sooner than later.

Oh wait, whoops, not actually dying, we must have misunderstood the man.

“What is happening to me mentally is not a depression, is not a death, it is a transformation,” he said, because everyone knows Mormon messengers of the Lord don't die, they simply morph into some super human/animal hybrid, typically a heartier, stronger vessel, to continue spreading their divine grace here on Earth.

'I don't necessarily mean physical, but mentally I think this is going to be a spiritual journey. It is going to be a physical journey. It is going to be a mental journey."

Oh sweet Shutter Island! Has Glenn Beck finally realized what the doctors have been telling him all along?? That he is physically fine, but mentally insane??

But what about the "tingling sensation and problems with feeling in his hands and feet?"

Glenn naturally realizes these are probably just "spiritual wounds" (Stigmata?) since it is a known fact that almost everyone in the world is constantly trying to sneak in and steal li'l bits of his beautiful, pure white soul every night under the cover of darkness. So that makes total sense!

But then one of the so-called "doctors" said something about how "we have to do all of these blood tests because we have to look for toxins and poisons, and that word stuck out to me. And it's not poison like you know, it's like lead paint. And I'm like, no, I haven't been eating lead chips. And that word stuck out to me."

Ya know because, he's always adored chips. Any kind really. Paint, Lead, BBQ, but especially sour cream 'n onion. That's his all-time favorite! Oh wait, he means that other word, poison. Ooops, honest mistake!

"The last 24 hours as I've been thinking about the doctors saying we're looking for toxins, we're looking for poisons in your body, I know what they are." (Socialist free radicals??)

"For four years I have tried to understand the mind of what I believe are monsters....And for four years I have been trying to understand the minds of people that I think are so misled, and they are the exact opposite of what I have tried to be, what I want to be, what I strive for."

Involuntary commitment at Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital?

"I believe we can be better people. I believe in the American experiment. But I also believe there are very misguided people, and I have been drinking that poison, which others may not find poison, but I do because it is exact opposite of me. And I have been 'That which you gaze upon, you become.'"

Holy Polygamy! Beck's been poisoned by the slow drip of sanity secretly being injected into him by watching Jon Stewart & Rachel Maddow? Or does he mean drinking the poison that comes with having to look and listen to Papa Bear Bill O' Reilly, Sean Hannity and whatever blond Hooters waitress currently anchoring Fox News, grunt all day and utter nonsense about Hitler NObama's roving death panels coming to kill li'l Trigger, Granny, and the entire Teabag nation?

The world may never know!

What we do know is Archangel Glenn will be taking several days off next week to "undergo tests at a hospital out west," which may or may not be the Betty Ford Clinic's psychiatric unit. Or maybe even the River Styx flowing along the boundary between Earth and Hades.

Glenn talked at length about how the bond with his radio audience has been built on a foundation of disclosure (and Goldline coins!) and that he felt it was important for him to share as much information as he could, “So that you will understand my mindset.”

It also helps if you down a tall, frosty glass of paint thinner, dress up like your favorite founding father, put yourself in a straight jacket, lock yourself in a small, whitewashed room with padded walls, look out the Overton Window, and speak in tongues about how the Virgin Mary and liberals are conspiring together to murder the holy li'l Jesus Christ fetus growing inside you, and implant the demon seed of Lucifer in your womb instead, in some sick, twisted satanic plot to help Obama win in 2012, Democrats retain both Houses of Congress, and slowly destroy the world from within.

Starting of course with the decaying mind of a one-time fallen-drunkard-turned-pudgy-born-again-Mormon Messenger-of-God (Brigham Young?) & Goldline International, whose path to Deification is paved with worthless Gold (plated) coins, faux tears, toxic chalkboard fumes, and a few too many deep fried paint chips.

Get well soon, you patriotic maniac! And remember, go into the light, Glenn! Go into the light!

For the Power of Prophet Profit compels you!

Besides, no one likes a tease, Glenny!

Bill O' Reilly Is Utterly Offended That The One Thing Glenn Beck Refuses To Act Like A Deranged Mental Patient About Is Gross Gay Marriage

OMG, get your tuxes out, (gay) ladies and gentleman who reside in the soon-to-be same-sex cesspool of sin & sodomy of Gayifornia!

A week after permanently destroying the moral fabric of America with one stroke of his Prop 8-killing gavel, Judge Vaughn Walker, elitist liberal activist Judge Vaughn Walker has struck at the heart of hetero America once again.

But don't worry, because gay Californians will not be able to ruin America with their marriage smut until August 18th doomsday. Then, gays and lesbians can feel free to fill up City Halls across the Golden State, where they will finally be able to do gross things like exchange "vows" in front of highly impressionable, horrified women, children, and elderly nursing home residents.

Thank heavens there are still some people who are not willing to just sit back and watch as America goes down the gay nuptial drain.

Brave, decent pillars of morality like Papa Bear Bill O' Reilly, who invited fellow Fox News hero Glenn Beck on his show to discuss this latest attack on decency and freedom in the form of committed, monogamous federally recognized unions of matrimony...with the wrong penis-vagina ratios!

Until the unthinkable happened. The usually reliably insane, tear-producing, hate-spewing, gay bashing, freedom-fighting rodeo clown of the wingnut right Glenn Lee Beck suddenly morphed into some arugula-eating, family-values destroying liberal who doesn't even think the end of civilization will come from Adam and Steve sashaying to the altar in matching, color coordinated Valentino suits. This absurd lapse into coherent sanity cannot stand! It makes Papa Bear O' Reilly quite uncomfortable, which in turn, makes the whole world uncomfortable!

Why doesn't Beck cover culture-war issues or feel even the slightest bit threatened by this frightening man-on-man menace? Could he be one of them?? Why doesn't he get all hot 'n bothered, purplish red with rage like ol' Billy over here?

The man would like to know!

“Do you believe—do you believe that gay marriage is a threat to the country in any way?” O’Reilly asked.

"A threat to the country? No, I don't," Beck said, laughing, adding mockingly, "Will the gays come and get us?" And thus the strange pattern of Glenn Beck making sense continues.
 
"Honestly, I think we have bigger fish to fry," Beck said. "You can argue about abortion or gay marriage or whatever all you want. The country is burning down..." he said, adding that marriage "is a religious right" and "I don't think the government has anything to do with it." 

Channeling his inner Thomas Jefferson, one of his many founding father heroes, Beck replied, "If it neither breaks my leg, nor picks my pocket, what difference is it to me?"

Well this just about makes Papa Bear lose it altogether, and fly into one of his signature vein popping, ('roid fueled?) nationally televised rages, usually reserved for teleprompters and interns only.

What makes dumb ol' deranged Glenny Beck so God damn special that he can get his crazy viewers to still tune in for reasons other than to get all riled up about their ol' culture-crushing mainstays, fetuses and queers?

Why does he think it's a-okay to report on very important Calvin Coolidge news, yet all-but "ignore the profound change in the American family" caused by these marauding, marriage-obsessed abominations before God?

What makes him so wonderfully immune to the rest of the whackjobs and wingnuts all the other esteemed Fox News team is held captive by, and must constantly nourish with lies, prejudice and hate, or risk losing their status as the #1 highest rated news show among the senile 85+ crowd, in the whole wide world?

Ugh, if only crazy came as naturally to him as it does to America's blonde haired, blue-eyed angel of truthiness and psychotropic-induced reason!

This really ticks old salty dog O'Reilly off. But don't fret Papa Bear! Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

For the remaining 1438 minutes, just do what you usually do. Foam at the mouth growling with seething rage until the next dopey pinhead sitting across from you says something sooooooo compassionate about gays, liberals, or Jennifer Aniston, that your big Papa Bear grizzly head pops right off its beautifully red-hot vein-bulging neck.

In other words, comes unhinged.