In the single most anticipated television event in the history of mankind (or one man's decaying mind), two longtime, bitter rivals go head-to-head in an epic showdown to settle the score once and for all, while millions of prying eyes tuned in, anxiously waiting to see which side emerges victorious.
No, no, not which particular shade of fluorescent yellow padded spandex pants got to hoist the Lombardi Trophy and claim world bragging rights as the bestest, most-mindblowingly amazingest, awesomest team ever to score more points than their opponent in the history of Super Bowl XLV!
(Hint: The team with the young, rocket-armed quarterback who hasn't allegedly raped at least one woman).
The epic, edge-of-your-seat battle between Fox News' foremost expert on the moon and tides, and inexplicable rage, resident anger bear Papa Bill O'Reilly vs. the 44th President of the United States of Socialism and Dead Grannies, or Smart, Sane people, depending on your perspective, and also whether you dress up as Benjamin Franklin or Paul Revere in your spare time, Barack Obama.
Woohoo! Let the games begin!
It started out amicable enough, with President Obama taking each one of Bill O'Reilly's insultingly asinine questions to waste time before kickoff in casual stride, even going so far as to try to answer them in as simple and clear a way possible, so Bill's regular Fox News audience could understand, without the aid of Glenn Beck's chalkboard flowcharts and marionette puppet shows.
Like why "there's nothing Socialist" about the health care bill, despite Papa Bear Bill and the entire Fox News team's fairly imbalanced rantings that affordable health insurance for all Americans means goodbye granny and the end of the free world as we know it.
And also why, despite a couple of wingnut fringe federal judges rulings that a sensible health care system which doesn't boot dying children from coverage is unconstitutional, his administration is not focused on "refighting the battles of the last two years" nor "prepared to go back to a day when a pre-existing condition could mean not getting medical treatment or help."
Ugh!
So, tough titties to all those red, white, and blue patriots pining for a kinder, gentler time when average, hardworking Americans could still enjoy the God-given freedom to go bankrupt trying to battle bone cancer.
O'Reilly then asked Obama if he had "moved to the center" after getting shellacked in the midterm elections, which is about the dumbest question you could possibly ask a sitting president, especially one whose brain power allows him to do a number of things, like correctly pronounce the word "nuclear," or say, spontaneously come up with a reply that is both grammatically correct, makes sense, and doesn't just string together a bunch of random English words in whatever order they pop into your head.
Saying he was focused on making sure the economy is growing (Boo-ya!!), Obama denied a shift to the imaginary happy land known as the political center, insisting "I'm the same guy."
"My common sense focus right now is how to we out-innovate, out-educate, out-build, out-compete the rest of the world?" he said. "How do we create jobs here in the United States of America? How do we make sure that businesses are thriving? But how do we also -- making sure that ordinary Americans can live out the American dream?"
Hmmm...tax breaks for the rich? Kill the poors? Ban the gays? Drill baby drill? Buy more guns? Bomb more Muslims?
Then, with a gloating gleam in his eye, O'Reilly asked the president, "Does it disturb you that so many people hate you?" Courtesy, of course, of a certain cranky Fox News host's rabid, 'round-the-clock regurgitation of outrageous lies and baseless mistruths meant to mischaracterize the president and mislead the public.
To which Obama coolly responded, "The people who dislike you don't know you. The folks who hate you, they don't know you. What they hate is whatever funhouse mirror image of you that's out there. They don't know you. And so, you don't take it personally."
Oooh, but what about when that funhouse mirror image of you happens to include a Hitler mustache, watermelon patch, and crosshairs placed directly over your now-oddly Planet of the Apes-like image?
Finally the discussion turned to football, which, of course, is why God gave us the ability to shovel seven-layer bean dip into our mouths and Super Bowl Sunday in the first place.
Not surprisingly, Obama refused to pick a side because, "once my Bears lost, I don't pick sides."
Which prompted the ever-lovely and respectful O'Reilly to follow up with a characteristically dickish, "So, you don't care?"
"I do care, I want a great game... But these are pretty evenly matched teams. You know, I think Green Bay is probably a little faster. Steelers got a little more experience. I think the Steelers not having their starting center is something they've got to be worried about."
Oh what, now America's most winningest football should be worried too? Why? Because now they lost their starting center and their country to illegal, radical, half-black, full out Kenyan Muslim Socialist Terrorist Presidents?
But by that time, hardly anyone was watching because it was minutes before kickoff, and thus time to begin the ceremonious stirring of the giant vats of guacamole, while shoving as many spicy chicken wings into open gaping holes as humanly possible, in breathless anticipation of some scantily clad fading star's butchering of the national anthem.
While, the coveted one-on-one facetime with Obama likely fell short of Bill O'Reilly ever-humble prediction as the "most watched interview of all time," it did offer a possible win-win for both President Obama and Fox.
O'Reilly got the once-in-a-lifetime chance to have his massive Super Bowl audience, and possibly career-saving, record-busting ratings, while the President had the opportunity to look like a smart, reasonable, stand-up guy for indulging in prime-time, pre-Super Bowl banter with a jealous, spiteful, highly visible, highly vocal, likely also highly unstable, intellectually outmatched critic, who'd like nothing more than to kick Obama's cool, calm, collected hindskin through the uprights at Cowboy stadium.
Which come to think of it, Bill, is actually how the moon got there!
Still, no explanation for the jumping cow, though.
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