Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Why George Bush's Been Working On His Fastball

Since he loves baseball and doesn't have much to do these days except bother Laura and tinker with his sweet new presidential memoir on important decisions, former commander-in-chief George W. Bush figures what better way to spend April 6 than throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at the home opener for the coolest, most awesomest team in the world, the Texas Rangers.


George W. Bush is set to make history as the third president to throw out the Rangers' Opening Day first pitch, a tradition started by Gerald Ford in 1976 and continued by Dubya's father, George the Elder in 1991. But, unlike the other two, Bush bets his ball actually makes it to the plate without any of that pussy one-hop, two-hop, pathetic dribbling into the catcher's mitt. It's just un-American.

Over on the South Side, the Chicago White Sox also extended first pitch honors to their number one fan and current most important person in the world, Barack Obama, if he isn't too busy "being president" and all.

Something tells me he'll be there. I don't know, call it a hunch.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Obama To GM CEO: "Hit The Road, Rick!"

Rick Wagoner, He Gone!

Presidential bully Barack Obama's reign of terror against the humble, hard-working CEO's of the auto industry continued over the weekend.

The latest casualty of his war on greed was none other than
General Motors' CEO Richard Wagoner, whose high-rolling, eight year tenure ushering in the collapse of the GM empire came to an unceremonious close on Sunday.

Mr. goody two-shoes in the White House thinks there should be some consequences to keeping your failed industry afloat on the suckered public's (endless) dime.

Which is why, this time, Obama's decision to honor GM's latest request for $16.6 billion more in emergency federal aid comes at a price: CEO Rick Wagoner's god damn head!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Grassley Gone Wild!

Aww, snap!

Things sure got chippy between Senators Kent Conrad (D-N.D.) and Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) during an otherwise dreadfully painful senate budget committee hearing last week.

A man can only take so many hours of number crunching and endless back-and-forth banter before he's going to snap. And when Sen. Charles Grassley snaps, he snaps hard.

But this time he wasn't telling AIG executives to resign or "commit suicide" or bashing irresponsible corporations for giving bonuses while "sucking the tit of the taxpayer."

This time the distinguished Sen. from Iowa and highest-ranking Republican on the finance committee was busy manhandling unsuspecting (pussy?) fellow congressman and Democratic budget committee chairman Kent Conrad during a heated budget exchange.

Basically, Grassley was pushing Conrad to include his amendment and conveniently reminded the good chairman that he owed him a favor for some budget resolution thing two years ago and if he didn't do it, he was nothing more than a no-good stinkin' Democratic rat bastard.

Or something like that.

Grassley: "So I did not ask for a vote on it and you said it was a very statesmanlike thing for me to do at that particular time and so I would hope that you would return the favor."

Conrad (awkward laugh): "You know, I used to like you. Let me just say: Oh, you are good."

Grassley: "Well, your wife said the same thing."

Classy, Senator. Classy. Nothing spices up a congressional budget hearing like a little Jerry Springer action!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Twitter Dee & Twitter Dum

God damn f**king Twitter! If it's not the stupidest, most idiotic 140-character waste of time ever invented, I don't know what is. It even makes those ridiculous
Tamagotchis seem brilliant, which is no small feat for a digital, egg-shaped, hand-held pet that eats, pees and dies.

Yet, Twitter has officially managed to become the new crack of the technology world. Everywhere you look, someone is twittering something.
The media can't stop buzzing about it, celebs love it, and politicians can't get enough.

Of course, anytime a new fad pops up (especially if it involves the Internets!), it is the media's job to endlessly discuss until any and all semblance of cool has been completely sucked out. Which in this case, didn't take very long.

Same for politicians, especially Republicans who have been dominating the Twitter scene, partially thanks to the off-the-hook PR blitz by RNC Chairman Michael Steele. A hip new way of communicating about nonsense with a bunch of teenyboppers is a sure-fire way to stave off political irrelevance. Nothing says cool like a House Republican twittering about how slutty Nancy Pelosi looked during the last filibuster debate.

Hollywood's also jumped on the Twitter train, with hot celebs like Kanye West, Brittney Spears, 50 Cent, and other A-listers keeping their fans up-to-date on important happenings like when their next album drops and why Pop-Tarts are so much better than Toaster Strudel.

But typing life updates in 140 characters or less can be quite challenging for these time-pressed stars. Which is why many have instead turned to outsourcing their Tweets by hiring so-called ghost Twitterers to do their dirty work writing one to two sentences about how rush hour traffic sucks and why McDonalds should sell Shamrock Shakes year round.

Which may strike some Twitter purists like Shaquille O'Neal as ridiculous.

“If I am going to speak, it will come from me. It’s 140 characters...If you need a ghostwriter for that, I feel sorry for you.”

Self-hating Twitterer John Mayer agrees. "If you really think that Twitter is the pathway to spiritual enlightenment, well...It’s one step away from sending pictures of your poop."

Now, you know brilliance like that doesn't come from no ghost Twitterer!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Everybody's Doing It...

Michelle Obama isn't the only hot new trend featured in April's issue of O Magazine.

Girls banging girls is also very in right now. But it's not just LinLo and her DJ boyfriend girlfriend Samantha Ronson. Or Cynthia Nixon and her um well whatever you wanna call that.

Housewives, desperate and otherwise across the country, are leaving their husbands and boyfriends for...wait for it, other women--and they're not even gay! (Or as Oprah would say, at least not "total sixers!")

Which is so crazy! Because until now Oprah, and the rest of the country always thought it was either one or the other, black and white. Gay or straight. Normal or freak. Sexuality cannot possibly have a middle ground.

But apparently, it's a little more complicated, particularly for women (all those emotions!). So what's to
blame for this recent lesbian-themed breakdown of moral values and societal norms that's turning America into one big episode of the L word?

A little thing called sexual fluidity.
Apparently what used to be called an indiscriminate turbo slut now has a scientific explanation. It's true! Women can in fact be attracted to men (and even dare I say it, enjoy sleeping with their husbands) and still desire a hot Lesbo romp with their girlfriends.

So I guess the only question now is does Stedman get to watch??

Oprah And Gayle: BFF?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A Different Kind Of Stimulus Package!

Another kind of bank is offering customers their own stimulus package during these tough economic times.

But instead of the usual boring free checking accounts or slashed interest rates you'll find at Bank of America or Wachovia, this rebate comes in the form of Grade-A sperm at bargain basement prices!

Welcome to Xytex International, one of the oldest sperm banks in the US of A. If you're looking to start a family (or add to the one you already have) but don't have much money to spare, Xytex has got the reproductive bargain you've been waiting for!

"We're all feeling the effects of the economy and, especially for families seeking reproductive options, every dollar counts," Xytex spokeswoman Danielle Moores said.

For a limited time only, Xytex is offering deals on vials from "select" donors who come a bit cheaper than the usual "standard" donors. Those looking to take advantage of this sperm super sale can save anywhere from $135 and $235 on select vials from a standard Xytex donor, which typically start at $385 for your average Joe the Plumber sperm and go up to $585 for your more Brad Pitt variety.

But don't worry, it's not like there's anything wrong with these "select" donors.

"Select donors haven't reached the end of their shelf-life, they're just over-produced...They are simply men from whom Xytex has many, many vials because they're very successful donors or able to stop in several times a week or -- for whatever reason, we have a huge inventory."

I guess you could say they're the Octomom of the sperm donor world.

Mother Nature To Bobby Jindal: "Don't F**k With Me!"

Just in case anyone didn't already think Piyush "Bobby" Jindal was a total douchebag after that bomb of a speech he gave last month in response to Obama's stimulus package, Mother Nature made sure they do now.

In addition to making stuff up about his heroic rescue efforts during Hurricane Katrina, Jindal's unique ability to channel Kenneth the Page and Howdy-Doody made his prime-time speech blasting the Democrats' wasteful spending a smashing success.

If there's one thing people love more than a right-wing Christian fanatic from the dirty south trapped inside the body of a meek Indian man ranting about the reckless Democrats spending $140 million on something as mind-blowingly idiotic as volcano monitoring, it is that same painfully awkward man timing his criticism one month before Alaska's Mount Redoubt erupted five times in one night spewing volcanic ash more than 9 miles into the air.

I bet the lovely residents of Anchorage are sure pleased they have Bobby Jindal to remind the nation what's really important. Like maybe instead of some stupid volcano in Alaska, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, DC.

I mean what crazy liberal waste of money will they come up with next? Hurricane monitoring and levee inspections!? Yeah, like that's important.

Oops, My Bad

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Sarah Knows The World's Most Precious And Unique People Don't Need Our Help

Sarah Palin is more than just a humble, dedicated public servant to the good people of Alaska. She is also the proud parent of a little boy with Down Syndrome named Trig, and that makes her Mother Theresa of the special needs community.

So you can imagine how disgusted the patron saint of special needs children was when she heard what that insensitive Obama character said on the Tonight Show.

“I was shocked to learn of the comment made by President Obama about Special Olympics. This was a degrading remark about our world’s most precious and unique people, coming from the most powerful position in the world."

Just terrible! The leader of the free world criticizing the world's "most precious and unique people" is nothing more than ignorant hate-mongering and an affront to our good American values. Which isn't at all surprising coming from some half-black liberal commie homo like Barack Hussein Obama.

“These athletes overcome more challenges, discrimination and adversity than most of us ever will. I hope President Obama’s comments do not reflect how he truly feels about the special-needs community."

Us too. If he didn't hate them so much, he might want to spend even more than the $5 billion he already set aside in his economic stimulus package for early childhood education, including special needs programs.

Then Miss Palin would be once again forced to reject another $170 million
specifically allocated to her state for those very same pork-filled programs to help the world's most precious and unique people.

The resilient little buggers, you betcha they'll be just fine!

Monday, March 23, 2009

From Commerce Secretary Nominee To Doomsday Oracle

Remember that classy guy Sen. Judd Gregg who cheerfully accepted President Obama's Commerce Secretary nomination before realizing he despised the man and the rest of his stupid, money-spending Democratic deadbeat friends.

Well, he's not just going to withdraw his nomination, spit on Obama's bipartisan peace offering, and go off gentle into that good night. No sir-ee.

He's going to speak his mind. A lot. But not as part of the Obama economic team trying to get America out of its financial crisis and back on its own two solvent feet.

Rather as part of the illustrious Republican chorus of sneering Dick's, puffy, rage-filled radio hosts, and
two double-consonant named backstabbers shrieking about how Obama's budget will "bankrupt the country" and turn this great nation into a demoralized, broke, wall-street crazed free-for-all drowning in its own greed and toxic debt.

And to think, we were doing so well without him!

Look Out Behind You, Senator!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Smartest Thing The Man's Never Said

Unlike the rest of the doomsday Republicans, former president George W. Bush isn't about to jump on the bandwagon of relentless Obama-bashing just because it's cool to gang up on the guy making the decisions.

You see, Bush knows what it's like being "The Decider," and making the tough choices for the good of the country often means making the unpopular choices.

"I'm not going to spend my time criticizing him. There are plenty of critics in the arena. He deserves my silence."

The courtesy does not extend to the rest of us. Instead, Dubya has a little treat he's been working on since leaving office--a new presidential memoir scheduled for 2010!

But unlike the traditional snoozefests from former presidents with their big words and small font, Bush plans to make his a little different; more exciting. Kind of like a Dummies Guide To Being President.

His book, tentatively (not decisively) titled “Decision Points” will focus on some of W's most momentous personal and presidential choices, including his life-changing decisions to quit his hard-partying, boozy ways at the age of 30, find Jesus, pick an evil troll named Dick Cheney as his running mate, let New Orleans drown, bankrupt the nation, and start two wars but still fail to capture 9/11 mastermind Osama bin Laden 7 years after he sent two planes barreling into New York City.

"I want people to understand the environment in which I was making decisions. I want people to get a sense of how decisions were made, and I want people to understand the options that were placed before me."

Only then will they be able to appreciate the kind of true greatness it takes to screw everything up this badly.

Long Live #43!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Barry Goes Hollywood

Obama Does Jay!

Omg. The media can't stop buzzing about Barack Obama history-making turn as the first sitting president to ever make a guest appearance on the
"The Tonight Show."

And can you really blame them? First, the whole black president thing and now the late night circuit? The man just won't stop!

But a lot of Republicans aren't laughing. They don't like Obama the president and they certainly don't care for Obama the Jokester. Not when there is an economic crisis to deal with.

If you'll recall, John McCain suspended his campaign to deal with the problem head-on, he didn't run around hamming it up with late night comedians with big chins and jerky head movements.

Maybe Mr. Hollywood should take a hint and go back to Washington so he can tend to his other job fixing the country instead of taking late night swipes at the Special Olympics.

We told you humor and the economy don't mix.
Kind of like Obama and bowling.

Special Olympics? Better Keep Practicing

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Fear Not America, Congress To The Rescue!

"It Wasn't Me!"

Oh god. Things are so bad, we're not even sure who to blame for this whole AIG bonus bulls**t anymore.

There's the jerk-off executives whose anti-Midas touch makes anything they go near turn to s**t, no matter how many billions you keep pumping into them.

Then there's Sen. Chris Dodd whose brief amensia lifted just in time for him to
remember he is in fact the douchebag responsible for that little executive bonus loophole in the stimulus. But it's really not his fault. The tough-guy Treasury officials made him do it or else Timothy Geithner was gonna smash his legs in!

Not to fear though. Congress just passed a new bill to tax those AIG bastards at 90 percent. Which should show those greedy executives who's boss!

Did you really think you could screw Congress, steal billions and get away with it, scot-free? Please, who do you think you are, the Bush administration or something?

AIG CEO Edward Liddy Or Dick Cheney?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Barack-etology! Obama's Method To The Madness

Barry Knows Best?

Barack Obama may have an economy to save, two wars to fight, and the weight of the world on his shoulders, but that doesn't mean he's too busy for a little March Madness action.

I mean there's a reason Air Force One has DirecTV, and it's not for watching C-SPAN.

As for who's gonna win the big dance, President Obama's thinking Carolina. He's giving the powder blue one more chance to redeem themselves after a disappointing last year.

"Now, for the Tar Heels who are watching, I picked you all last year -- you let me down. This year, don't embarrass me in front of the nation, all right? I'm counting on you. I still got those sneakers you guys gave me."

Don't make him chuck them at your heads during a live post-game press conference.

Obama's Bleeding Blue

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Step Aside, Leroy Brown-There's A New Baddest Man In Town!

Aw, hell no, AIG! In case you forgot, there's a new sheriff in town. And this one ain't f**king around. He means business.

But not the kind of business the wonderful folks over at AIG are used to. You know, the kind that fleeces $173 billion from the public in order to reward the brilliant CEO's who ran one of the world's largest insurance companies into the toilet (a gold-encrusted one, mind you) with millions in well-deserved bonuses. $165 million to be exact. Which should be just enough to cover a few personal aircraft carriers, poolside villas, high-class hookers and other business essentials.

That is until ball-buster Barack Obama started calling the shots, and suddenly it's not cool to reward
executive "recklessness and greed" with lowly taxpayer money. The same losers who can't even pay their mortgage.

The latest corporate outrage got Obama so choked up with saliva anger, that at one point, he could hardly get anything out except for a few, furious coughs.

Once he regained control of his digestive juices, Obama promised to “pursue every single legal avenue to block these bonuses and make the American taxpayers whole.”

“This isn’t just a matter of dollars and cents. It’s about our fundamental values.”

All 173 billion of them.

Hold It Right There, AIG!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Dick Cheney's Sleepless Nights

Eternal optimist and beacon of hope for all humanity, Dick Cheney isn't one to focus only on the negative. But even a ray of sunshine like himself knows danger when he sees it, and that danger is named Barack Hussein Obama.

Unlike that current menace in the White House, Dick knows that Bush administration policies on detention and interrogation of suspected terrorists "were absolutely essential to preventing another 9/11-style attack."

But since Obama doesn't care about keeping Americans safe, he's decided to modify a number of the former administration's key war-on-terror tactics, including torture (waterboarding, testicle shocks, killer dogs etc), unlawful detention, secret wiretapping, and running a concentration camp called Guantanamo.

He might as well call bin Laden up himself and beg for another 9/11 attack.
"This is a war. It’s not a law-enforcement problem. When you go back to the law enforcement mode...closing Guantanamo and so forth...you give up the ability to successfully defend the nation against further attacks."
But, on the upside, you get to keep the economy, New Orleans, the Constitution, and your faith in America.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Another Day, Another Republican Senator's Innocent Airport Meltdown

Louisiana's Own Sen. David Vitter

Uh-Oh, looks like the Republicans have found themselves in another pickle involving an esteemed colleague acting like a total jackass in a (very public) U.S. airport.

Fortunately, this little incident doesn't include the words "soliciting gay sex
" and "men's bathroom," thanks to Louisiana Sen. David Vitter whose recent airport temper tantrum was more of the arrogant a**hole than closeted gay Republican senator variety.

Sen. Vitter's latest run-in since getting busted with hookers in the "DC madam" escort service scandal in 2007, came last Thursday after missing a flight from Washington to New Orleans.

After being told that the door had been closed twenty minutes prior to departure, Vitter proceeded to do what any normal person would do in the situation, which is attempt to open the the armed security door anyway, set off the alarm, and scream "do-you-know-who-I-am" to anyone wearing wings on their lapel.

The airline worker then told Vitter he was summoning security who would perhaps be more impressed by his senatorial pin than the other airline employees.

But Vitter must have been in quite a rush, because by the time the agent returned with a security guard, the senator was long gone.

He had a lot to do, like issue a statement about how he worked so hard "on the Senate floor ensuring a vote on my anti-pay-raise amendment and was in such a rush to make my flight home for town hall meetings the next day, I accidentally went through a wrong door at the gate."

He then accidentally scrammed the hell out of the airport just like any other rational, clear-thinking senator with nothing to hide.

Friday, March 13, 2009

A Diamond Is Forever; Bristol Palin And Levi Johnston Not So Much

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Oh no! America's favorite role models for unwed teenage pregnancies you don't regret but just wished happened ten years later, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have called off their engagement. A stunning twist in what otherwise was a perfect, fairy tale romance.

The heart-breaking news comes just 2 1/2 months after 18-year-old Bristol gave birth to the happy former couple's first child, a baby boy named Tripp.

Bristol and 19-year-old baby daddy Levi Johnston were planning to get married after they completed high school, but instead have decided to go their separate ways.

Although details of the split are unclear, the break-up apparently happened a "few weeks ago" and was a "mutual decision," despite some nasty rumors swirling on the internet involving the words "Levi" and "white trash." Preposterous, I know.

Of course, Levi is still committed to being a "hands-on dad" and the best father possible to their infant son Tripp. Levi's so dedicated to his son that he might even look for a job since that whole oil field gig didn't work out too well for him.

Bristol, meanwhile, is doing well, and is currently attending Wasilla High and considering enrolling in college next fall to study nursing and learn alternatives to abstinence-only education, like how condoms can help prevent babies from growing inside of you.

As far as her newfound motherhood affecting her college aspirations, Bristol isn't worried. She'll just hand off little Tripp to Mama Bear Sarah Palin. She'd never mind one more miracle of God.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Attack Of The 50 Ft. Woman: Ann Coulter Vs. Bill Maher In Chicago Smackdown!

Stop Pretending You're Not A Crazy B*tch!

For anyone willing to fork over between $35 and $200 to watch an anorexic blonde who's hot in a psychotic alien sort of way spar with a "liberal" comedian who hates Jesus freaks almost as much as dumb, crazy bimbos named Ann, Wednesday night's Coulter/Maher showdown at the Chicago Theater offered an hour and 45 minutes of entertaining fun.

First, it was Miss Coulter's turn. There, the long-legged spokeswoman for crazy Christians everywhere alternately amused and horrified the audience with her insanely spindly limbs and equally insane thoughts.

Like why all liberals are idiots, George W. Bush was one of the best presidents ever, and the idea that a coke-head Muslim terrorist like Barack Hussein Obama would even be mentioned in the same breath as Jesus Christ and Abraham Lincoln is more preposterous than the thought of elitist heathens like you and me paying good money to hear Stretch Armstrong's twin sister from hell rant about how America needs less laws and more guns, especially in church and school.

Next, Bill Maher strolled onstage to give his 15 minute riff on life, politics, and why a freak like Ann gets turned on every time she is booed, jeered, or heckled.

He also corrected a few of Ann's "facts" about Obama's drug use and the economy, preferring to base his opinions in reality, not right-wing nutjob land.

“To start off, George Bush did a lot more blow than Obama ever did. Please don’t ruin the only thing I like about him.”

“There is this debt because George Bush put two wars on a credit card and spent money like a pimp with a week to live.”

Then basically the two of them went back and forth with Maher saying something funny and Coulter saying something crazy on everything from Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin to the war in Iraq, gay marriage, Ronny Reagan, whether Bristol Palin is a whore, and why Ann Coulter will be saved by Jesus Christ while the rest of us piles of liberal sin go straight to hell.

After about an hour of heated exchanges and Ann awkwardly eye-f**king Bill, the two speakers realized they would never agree on anything except making money off of large groups of suckers willing to pay to see a giraffe-necked beanpole of hate say crazy things to a short, funny, pot-loving liberal pussy she's supposed to hate but whose clothes she secretly wants to rip off and ravish backstage.

She'll just shut her eyes and pretend it's Dick Cheney. Umm, hottttt!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Please, Sir, Can I Have Some More?

With the help of some (eight to be exact) bacon-loving Republicans, another one of presidential badass Barack Obama's $410 billion pork fests cruised smoothly through the Senate, despite the defection of three treacherous Democrats: Sens. Evan Bayh of Indiana, Russ Feingold of Wisconsin and Claire McCaskill of Missouri.

The so-called Omnibus--which is really just another name for stuffing as much sh*t as possible into one tight little package--is actually nine bills and covers nearly the entire domestic budget for the year, plus U.S. contributions to global health and foreign aid.

Loaded with enough individual "perks" ($7.7 billion!) to lure eight Republicans over to the dark side, the ambitious bill also increases spending on food and consumer product safety agencies, the FBI, Wall Street regulators and tax enforcement, as well as education and science initiatives, investments in sustainable energy and landmark public works programs from the first stimulus.

Despite objections from the usual one man pork patrol of John S. McCain and a few congressman who believe Cuban-American relations should stay stuck in the 1950s, President Barack Obama is expected to quickly sign the measure into law.

You know, so government operations don't shut down. And cause he never gets tired of watching old Johnny boy go off the deep end.

What, What, What!?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Hunger Gets What Hunger Wants!

Barack Obama: Bringing People Together

It is no secret that President Obama has made bipartisanship an important theme in his first two months in office. So he will be happy to know that there's one issue both Democratic and Republican members of congress readily agree on: their seething hatred of the "tiny little portions" of food served at the White House.

These dedicated lawmakers work hard every day to help improve the lives of Americans, the least Obama can do to show his appreciation is serve a nice, piping hot meal big enough to satisfy even the most voracious congressional appetite.

Not the birdseed he's been passing off as real grub.

While some have speculated the weight-watcher size portions at the White House are due to money constraints (and the fact that he's asked for nearly a trillion in federal funds), those closest to the Obamas know the real reason.

What, you thought Barack's hot bod and Michelle's toned, sexy arms came from stuffing their faces with wheelbarrow-sized plates of burgers and fries like the rest of the fat asses in Congress?

Side Effects May Include Nausea, Irregular Heartbeat, And Sudden Loss Of Funds

How Low Can It Go?
Yeah, it's that bad.

With unemployment on the rise and blue-chip stocks selling for less than most bargain bin items at the local dollar store, the U.S. economy seems to be sinking faster than the Republican party.

Or "falling off a cliff" if you prefer billionaire investor Warren Buffet's rosy assessment of the situation.

Despite a slight bounce from big pharma's blockbuster merger between Merck & Co. and Schering-Plough, the Dow Jones Industrial Average tumbled below 7000 for the first time in 12 years, edging ever closer to the once-inconceivable 5,000 mark. That's about the point when stockbrokers start falling from buildings, in case you're confused.

So what's a (broke) nation to do? Well according to one economics expert also known as "Dr. Doom," a hell of a lot more than an $800 billion stimulus package if you ever expect to get out of this 15-month-and-counting recession.

But don't assume that just because he correctly predicted the current financial crisis, Dr. Doom will be able to convince Republicans in Congress that "tax cuts are a waste of money" and
drastic action like nationalizing the banks (the dreaded "N" word, gasp!) is the best, most market-friendly way to get us out of this mess.

Even with the right moves, he admits it'll probably "get worse before it gets better." And while Dr. Doom does see "a light at the end of the tunnel," those who believe in a second half recovery this year "are delusional."

Fortunately, I think there's a solution for that.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Let The Clone Wars Begin!

Blinded By Science!

In keeping with his campaign promise to make scientific decisions based on fact, not faith, President Barack Obama lifted the Bush administration’s strict limits on human embryonic research.

Obama's reversal of Bush limits on federally funded stem cell research seeks to rescue America from the scientific dark ages and reclaim its rightful position at the forefront of innovation and research.

Unlike W, Obama believes the best hopes for curing debilitating diseases like Parkinson's lies in the laboratory and not in the church pews. Kooky liberals.

But even godless Obama was sure to explain that his new love affair with science does not signal a green light to mad scientists across the country just waiting to clone themselves in some crazed Frankenstein experiment in their parents basement.

"It is dangerous, profoundly wrong and has no place in our society or any society,” Obama said.

Now if you'll excuse him he has some human embryos to destroy.

What, you have a better suggestion for distracting the nation from that damn economic crisis he can't solve? I mean it's almost been two months! Seriously, get your act together dude.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

In Rush We Trust?

In his usual classy style, Mr. Sensitive Rush Limbaugh held a reasonable, informative discussion about health care reform by predicting the imminent demise of one of it's most outspoken champions, Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA), who also happens to be suffering from a malignant brain tumor.

On his radio show Friday, the ever brilliant Rush first blasted that demon child Barack Obama for shifting attention away from the financial crisis to instead focus on some unimportant issue no one cares about like health care.

Obama is of course only doing this so his approval numbers stay high and that great liberal lion Teddy Kennedy can finally see his life's work come to pass before he hits the old dusty trail to eternity. Not because health care is important to Americans or related to the economy or anything like that.

Take it from Rush. Before it's all over, the economy will still be in shambles since Comrade Barry has no idea how to run a country except into the ground, but at least the Democrats will get their precious little "Ted Kennedy Memorial Health Care Bill" or some other ridiculous legislation giving Americans access to the affordable, quality health care that no one wants.

Instead of giving America what it really needs, which is a fat, washed-up college drop-out with more chins than ideas ranting incoherently about how to save this country from the last eight years of his own party's disastrous rule.

Taming The Lion, Limbaugh Style

Friday, March 6, 2009

California Supreme Court Says Knot So Fast To Same-Sex Marriage

America's favorite colorful community of sin once again attempted to destroy the moral fabric of society by becoming equal citizens under the law. The nerve!

The pesky homosexuals, who continue to
believe the Constitution applies to them, argued before the California Supreme Court on Thursday to overturn Prop 8, the Mormon church funded, voter-approved gay marriage ban that narrowly passed in November.

But much to the dismay of gays and lesbians across the state, the same California Supreme Court who ruled 4-3 to legalize same-sex marriage now expressed skepticism at the idea of overriding the will of the 52 percent of Prop 8-supporters who believe Armageddon will come in the form of Ellen and Portia tying the knot.

Like lead prosecutor and former Bill Clinton tormentor Kenneth Starr who is now representing supporters of Prop 8 because he knows all about the dangers of activist judges legislating from the bench to push their liberal, homosexual agenda unwittingly on the people.

Kind of like the dangers of Democratic presidents who threaten to upend society with their loose morals and sexual infidelities made public by crusading Independent Counsel lawyers hell-bent on eradicating blow-jobs from the Oval Office.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Going, Going, Gupta!

Dr. No?

Hunky TV doctor
Sanjay Gupta is forgoing a chance to join Barack Obama's administration as the new U.S. Surgeon General because working at CNN sure as hell beats some ceremonial doctor post whose most famous occupant is now relegated to doing Life Alert commercials.

Gupta's decision to stay on as CNN's medical correspondent is obviously so he can "devote time to his reporting and medical career" and not because his so-called lack of experience or training in public health has had the Republican vultures in Congress frothing at the mouth for weeks fantasizing about all the ways they would wipe the smile off of Sanjay's sweet pretty-boy face.

But where or where will Obama ever find a brilliant medical doctor with enough experience, knowledge, and the kind of impeccable character to please even the most discerning Republican lawmaker?

Paging Dr. Phil

Between Barack And A Hard Place

Well well what do you know? While President Obama was busy destroying America's robust economy with his socialist policies and spendulus bills, there was one force brave enough to stand up against this liberal assault on freedom.

And we don't mean by throwing some ridiculous Rick Santelli tea party with the rest of your Fox News loving friends.

We mean by taking decisive action. Like the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunging
25% in the two months since inauguration to protest Comrade Barry's all-out assualt on Wall Street.

Included in his guerrilla war on investors, bankers and other persecuted members of the business elite is billions and billions of government bailout dollars to rescue these innocent victims from the seductive but toxic cocktail of unchecked power and unbridled greed.

As if that weren't punishment enough, Barack Obama wants higher taxes for the wealthy, pay caps for bankrupt millionaire execs using taxpayer bailout funds, and increased oversight of banks, investment firms and all other Madoffy sounding institutions with the words hedge, equity, mortgage or fund in their name.

But perhaps most threatening is
Mr. common man Obama's new mortgage plan to help not just the poor, suffering lenders but the millions of struggling homeowners in danger of losing their homes.

Ugh those losers?!?

What happened to the good old days when you're only rewarded for risky, irresponsible behavior
if you make over $250,000 a year, and/or have presided over the complete collapse of at least one major U.S. corporation?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

To Russia With Love

The latest wrinkle in Comrade Barry's plot to turn America into mother Russia revealed itself in the form of a secret letter
to none other than Russian President Dmitri A. Medvedev.

Obama's letter, hand-delivered into the heart of darkness by top administration officials three weeks ago, was actually a reply to the one sent by the Medvedev shortly after Obama was elected.

In it, President Obama suggested that the US would reconsider deploying a new missile defense system in Eastern Europe if Moscow would kindly stop helping Iran acquire nuclear warheads and long-range ballistic missiles.

A sharp departure from Bush's swingin' cowboy days, Obama's respectful, even-tempered approach was actually well-received, with Medvedev calling it “exceptionally positive for Russian-American relations."

Unlike W, Obama probably won't look deep into Medvedev's eyes to peer into his soul when they meet for the first time on April 2 in London.

What's the use? The only thing he'll find there is Vladimir Putin, and Bush already has the key for that.

Though something tells me he might have changed the lock after their breakup.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

This One's Got Pulitzer Written All Over It!

Ca-ching! Since selling that senate seat didn't really pan out, forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich is finally cashing in with a new six-figure deal for his tell-all book "exposing the dark side of politics."

Phoenix Books has agreed to pay Blago a cool $100,000 to pen his thrilling tale The Governor even though it will "reveal information that at times will be embarrassing to himself as well as to others."

Embarrassing?? Well, that shouldn't be too much of a problem for our old pal Blagojevich. I mean you can't be embarrassed if you never had any dignity in the first place, right?

Besides, you'd have to be crazy to pass up a bleeping golden opportunity like this!

Michael Steele Declares War On Rush Limbaugh For Being So "Entertaining"

Rush Vs. Steele

Right-wing radio czar and de facto leader of conservative cretins everywhere, Rush Limbaugh is not someone you want to mess with.

Unfortunately, RNC Chairman Michael Steele must have missed the memo. Apparently, Mr. Steele was so busy attracting the nation's youth with his off-the-hook self that he forgot the single most important Republican commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Insult Rush."

Mr. Balls of Steele broke the cardinal rule by saying that as the head of the Republican National Committee, he, not Limbaugh, was in charge of the party and that he wanted to put the right-wing talker “into context.”

“Rush Limbaugh is an entertainer,” Steele said. “Rush Limbaugh, his whole thing is entertainment. Yes it’s incendiary, yes it’s ugly.”

UH-OH. Did he just drop the E-bomb? Aside from wimpy liberals and their Socialist messiah Barack Obama, there's nothing Rush hates more than being called a dreaded "entertainer."

You wanna call him a fat pathetic pill-popping slob who couldn't get it up if his life depended on it, fine. No hard feelings.

But call him an entertainer and he'll rip your f**king throat out and feed it to his 20 million loyal bloodthirsty followers just waiting for some dumb schmuck to insult the last great hero of the Republican party.

Keyser Söze Or Rush Hudson Limbaugh III?