Who Would Jesus Shoot? Other Than Bobby Jindal & The Entire Grand Obstructionist Party!

Exercise The (Oil) Demons, Bobby!

Yeeeeehaaaaww America! The moment you've been waiting, hoping, and praying for your entire life has finally arrived, and just in the nick of time! In case somethin' disastrous happens, like say, demonic blobs of British Petroleum ooze up from the shores and burst through your quiet, neighborhood church in Louisiana, threatening to devour every terrified congregant. Every last God-fearing one of 'em!

Not if fearless leader and howdy doody look-alike, Piyush "Bobby" Jindal has anything to say about it!

Thanks to the governor's sage wisdom and savvy leadership skills (especially in times of crisis!), residents in Louisiana may still be unable to swim along the coastlines or catch nary a shrimp or oyster to feed their starving families, but they will be able to carry concealed weapons into houses of worship just in case any evil, oil glob monsters slink their way from the shores of the Gulf to Sunday mass at St. Mary's Church.

That's right y'all! With one swift stroke of the pen, Governor Bobby Jindal's signed into law a new bill that some residents (those with brains) up in arms:

State Rep. Henry Burns’ bill would authorize persons who qualified to carry concealed weapons having passed the training and background checks to bring them to churches, mosques, synagogues or other houses of worship as part of a security force.

The pastor or head of the religious institution must announce verbally or in weekly newsletters or bulletins that there will be individuals armed on the property as members of he security force. Those chosen have to undergo eight hours of tactical training each year...

The bill also allows a house of worship to hire off-duty police or security guards to protect congregants.

Wooohooo!! Glad to see Jindal continuing to make wonderful executive decisions, and prove he's got his Grand Old Priorities straight, in these trying times when luxurious oil is creepin' baby creepin' all around Louisiana's once-pristine, water-based coast. On the bright side, most Southern dishes can now be made by headin' straight down to the Gulf, and flash-frying your ingredient(s) of choice right there on the beach. It's perfect for fried chicken, butterfly shrimp, even your favorite Cajun stir fry!

Now, you may remember ol' Bayou Bob as the adorable baby-faced token minority and rising Republican star whose refusal to accept big, bad government money for his desperately poor, disaster-ravaged state made him a fleeting darling of the right and anyone else who values ridiculous, self-serving (political) grandstanding and nonsensical, ineffectual ideas as the preferred method of handling a crisis.

Well Bobby doesn't miss a beat, because he knows the only thing standing between his precious Louisiana voters and giant, amorphous blobs of crude oil, fish bones, and bird feathers who prey on the pious, is strapping semi-automatics on every old, churchgoing patriot in the Parish. Unlike stupid federal funds, cleanup workers, or scientifically sound solutions to stopping the oil spill, Bobby relies on his own two-sen$e and unshakable belief that the good Lord would never let anything bad to happen to beautiful, Christian Louisiana!

This is very important, people! An absolute, undeniable, irrefutable fact, despite what those pesky Hurricane Katrina truthers may try to tell you!

"We don't have time for meetings, we don't have time for red tape," Jindal said. "Get in the game to win."

We don't even have time for smart ideas that actually work, only hysterical nonsense that make terrible policy but great soundbytes, because isn't that what is really important here?

Duh! As Herm Edwards knows, "You play to win the game!" And everyone knows the coastal devastation and complete destruction of an entire ecosystem is nothing more than an awesome, fun, relaxing game of poolside pinochle.

Which helps explain why bumbling Bobby J has been huffin' and helicopterin' all over the state, publicly bashing the Administration while secretly begging Barry for big, bad government money, all while coming up with his own awesome plans like packin' heat in pews, and untenable "rock jetty proposals" which the entire scientific community dismiss as ludicrous, dangerous, and potentially more problematic than the renegade oil itself. Oooh, even better!

"No is not a plan," the governor reiterated at a press conference.

It's our entire way of life!

Which helps explain why Jindal's approach to millions of gallons of crude (foreign, gasp!) oil lapping at the shores of Louisiana makes about as much sense as his approach to every other challenge in his path, like say encouraging citizens to come to Sunday services strapped with a Glock 22 beneath their (endangered) animal hide belt as a very reasonable, effective way to fight crime. Hooray!

Sort of like how Bobby's been shriekin' and hollerin' against evil Socialist government aid for his entire dweeby existence, slashing state oil spill funds by 50%, crafting oil spill contingency plan's featuring "pages of blank charts," worst-case scenario plans labeled "to be developed," and sealing the state's oil spill response records...for Freedom! That is until it's his broke-ass, backwards, Commie-hatin' state that needs help, and he's reduced to a sniveling hypocrite begging and crying for some of Uncle Sam's scrilla.

Sure, Jindal may have accepted accepting only 1,053 out of 6,000 available National Guards, but he's been doin' tons of helicopter rides and screaming, which is just as good as actual trained troops, no?

Besides, if all else fails, Bobby can always round up heat-packing parishioners from across the Bayou State, bring 'em down to the oil-drenched coasts, and have 'em shoot the bejesus right out of their now-flaming and bullet ridden waters.

Show that darn oil what happens when scary foreign substances try to wash up on Louisiana's shores. And unlike Arizona, they shoot first, ask questions later!

While it may be true that if you need a gun at church, you may be in the wrong place of worship, but certainly in the perfect place for a li'l beachfront firefight to make sure whatever wasn't already decimated by toxic ooze is rewarded with a warm welcome of lovely Louisiana lead instead.

And with the highest rate of gunfire death in the country (double the national rate!), you better believe these faithful, Jeebus-lovin', Bible-thumpin', heat-packin' Bayou boys 'n gals know how to aim, baby aim, even if BP doesn't.

Praise the Lord, pass the ammunition & let us say Amen.

Mother Nature To Bobby Jindal: "Don't F**k With Me!"

Just in case anyone didn't already think Piyush "Bobby" Jindal was a total douchebag after that bomb of a speech he gave last month in response to Obama's stimulus package, Mother Nature made sure they do now.

In addition to making stuff up about his heroic rescue efforts during Hurricane Katrina, Jindal's unique ability to channel Kenneth the Page and Howdy-Doody made his prime-time speech blasting the Democrats' wasteful spending a smashing success.

If there's one thing people love more than a right-wing Christian fanatic from the dirty south trapped inside the body of a meek Indian man ranting about the reckless Democrats spending $140 million on something as mind-blowingly idiotic as volcano monitoring, it is that same painfully awkward man timing his criticism one month before Alaska's Mount Redoubt erupted five times in one night spewing volcanic ash more than 9 miles into the air.

I bet the lovely residents of Anchorage are sure pleased they have Bobby Jindal to remind the nation what's really important. Like maybe instead of some stupid volcano in Alaska, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, DC.

I mean what crazy liberal waste of money will they come up with next? Hurricane monitoring and levee inspections!? Yeah, like that's important.

Oops, My Bad

Who Needs Action When You Got Words?

In his first prime-time speech as president, Barack Obama will depart from the usual foreign policy focus to deliver a sobering assessment of the nation's economic crisis, including details of his socialist financial rescue plan.

But unlike his predecessors, Obama also plans to "treat the American people like adults, and share the truth with them about where we are and where we need to go."

Ugh. Who wants the truth when you can have lies? You think we want to hear all about how we've been living beyond our means for years and now our country is flat broke and how it's going to take a lot of hard-work and sacrifice to make things better?

Well we don't.

We want to hear all about how the mighty US of A is the best, most awesome country in the world with an endless supply of cash money to do whatever we want. Like start wars so we can shock and awe everyone with our remarkable power.

Or give disgraced CEO's millions in bonuses while their company collapses because we're America. And America is rich. And the people? Well, it doesn't get any more swell than these tremendous citizens of humanity.

But since bummer-bones Barry apparently prefers to see America's glass as half-empty, we're going to have look elsewhere for a little confidence boost.

Luckily we have Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, the GOP's rising star and potential 2012 presidential candidate, to deliver the Republican response to Obama's soul-crushing speech.

Unlike our pessimistic president, Jindal won't ruin our lovely evening with a realistic approach to the situation and inconvenient truths like how "our nation is facing a crisis we may not be able to reverse."

He'll just lie to us instead. Feels so much better that way.

GOP Looks To Bobby Jindal To Prove They're Down With Brown, Too

What Can Brown Do For You?

The Republicans will rely on their own token minority poster boy Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal to deliver the much-awaited GOP response following President Obama's first address to Congress on February 24.

Republicans are hoping their own young, chocolate-hued darling will counter the perception that the GOP is nothing more than a bunch of rich, old white men named Saxby and Strom who say no to everything except starting wars and bankrupting economies.

And what better way to showcase the colorful diversity that is the Republican party than with their one sweet-faced savior with the non-white skin?

Yes, Bobby Jindal is the perfect choice to explain to the American people that if Obama's stimulus plan is like Captain Sullenberger's US Airways flight, just think of the Republicans as the heroic flock of geese sacrificing life and limb to doom the engines and crash the plane.

Sure the GOP (geese) may end up a tangled, bloody mess of feathers, beaks, and bones, but at least the bloated stimulus bill (plane) ended up where it belongs--floating in the Hudson. Who knew pork was so buoyant?

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal Declines McCain's Offer To Ruin His Political Life

Louisiana Governor and rising Republican star Bobby Jindal was never officially vetted by the McCain campaign as a serious vice-presidential candidate because, we were told, "of his desire to continue on with his current job, to which he was elected just one year ago."

We didn't buy it then either.

Nobody wants to stay in Louisiana that badly.

So it comes as no surprise that a week after John McCain handily lost the election to Barack Obama, the real reasons Jindal declined the old man's VP vetting offer began trickling out (unlike say, economic wealth).

Turns out Mr. Bobby Jindal and his political team were freaked out that Jindal "might actually wind up the pick," and be caught up "a less-than-stellar campaign that could pin a loss on Jindal without much ability to change or control the direction of the contest."

I guess you could say they had a feeling, a hunch if you will, that McCain wasn't exactly riding the straight-talk express to victory.

And J-Dal wasn't about to go down with this sinking ship.

The logic of course being that if Jindal decided to run in 2012, he would be free of any taint of George W. Bush or John McCain.

And America could see him for who he really is: A 36-year old Indian-American with a baby face who is "100 percent anti-abortion with no exceptions," opposes stem cell research, gay marriage, and like many of his GOP cohorts, most progress in general.

Hey, come to think of it, he kind of reminds me of another young, good looking conservative on the Republican fast-track to success.

Before she became McCain's running mate and launched her new career as a stand-up comedian, that is.

Word is her new one-woman comedy routine "Going Rogue: Sarah Palin's Task From God" is a smashing success.

Thanks, Johnny!