The Tsunami That Is Mark Sanford's Life

When it rains it pours. Unless you're Mark Sanford of course, in which case, it's a tsunami.

It wasn't enough to just get caught with his Argentinean mistress while he was supposed to be roughing it in the Appalachian wilderness or having his wife announce she's leaving him shortly after their two-week European jaunt to repair the marriage failed to fix anything except the delusion that Jenny may still want Mark back.

No, no Mark needed more to really make 2009 stand out as the opposite of that lame Russell Crowe movie and qualify as the worst year of one painfully unslick South Carolina governor's life.

Luckily, he got just what he needed. Turns out Mr. stimulus-rejecting welfare queen Mark Sanford improperly used state aircraft for personal and political trips, even carting around those god-awful wife and kids--all in violation of state law. Yikes!

And you thought banging South American hotties on the sly was the only improper thing this tight-fisted, wasteful-spending hating Republican star governor of South Carolina was capable of. Puh-leese!

He knows how to squander state funds with the best of 'em! Like taking private jet's to his kid's sporting events, all-important hair and dentist appointments, book signings, birthday parties, Christmas tree lighting ceremonies, and other pressing, high-level state functions.

What he will not do however is accept federal stimulus money for something frivolous like South Carolina's public schools. Not until every last state employee uses both sides of their Post-It notes and understands the importance of stretching every dollar as far as it goes.

All the way to Buenos Aires if you're really good.

Mark Sanford Disappearing Faster Than South Carolina's Job Rate

South Carolina heartthrob Gov. Mark Sanford skipped a meeting with a top economic adviser and instead headed out of state to spend some quality time with the one woman he hasn't been secretly doing, his lovely wife Jenny!

Now, normally I'm all for a little one-on-one time with the wifey, especially after hubby Mark's tearful confession of an affair with "the love of his life" and "soul mate"--Argentinian hottie, Maria Belen Chapur, when he was supposed to be off hiking the Appalachian Trail, not holed up in a Buenos Aires motel with his long-legged Latina mistress.

But, according to his spokesman Joel Sawyer, Sanford's latest honeymoon outside South Carolina's beautiful borders, is just business as usual for the heartbreaker governor.

"The governor remains committed to repairing the damage he's done to his marriage, and so it shouldn't be any surprise that spending personal time with his wife is a part of that process."

Just like it shouldn't be any surprise that what began as an innocent hike along the Appalachian Trail ended in a teary-eyed governor reading love letters to Maria and bravely admitting all the other extramarital dalliances he so deeply regrets (getting caught in).

So I guess we can only assume that in between cheating on Jenny, seducing women, Latina and otherwise, and all around being an upstanding member of the Republican Party, South Carolina's humble governor has been hard at work fixing the critical budget problems and skyrocketing unemployment rate gripping the state.

Maybe that's why the only thing worse than the state of his marriage is the state of his broke-ass, stimulus-rejecting, job hemorrhaging, neglected, red-headed stepchild of a state, South Carolina.

Mother Nature To Bobby Jindal: "Don't F**k With Me!"

Just in case anyone didn't already think Piyush "Bobby" Jindal was a total douchebag after that bomb of a speech he gave last month in response to Obama's stimulus package, Mother Nature made sure they do now.

In addition to making stuff up about his heroic rescue efforts during Hurricane Katrina, Jindal's unique ability to channel Kenneth the Page and Howdy-Doody made his prime-time speech blasting the Democrats' wasteful spending a smashing success.

If there's one thing people love more than a right-wing Christian fanatic from the dirty south trapped inside the body of a meek Indian man ranting about the reckless Democrats spending $140 million on something as mind-blowingly idiotic as volcano monitoring, it is that same painfully awkward man timing his criticism one month before Alaska's Mount Redoubt erupted five times in one night spewing volcanic ash more than 9 miles into the air.

I bet the lovely residents of Anchorage are sure pleased they have Bobby Jindal to remind the nation what's really important. Like maybe instead of some stupid volcano in Alaska, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, DC.

I mean what crazy liberal waste of money will they come up with next? Hurricane monitoring and levee inspections!? Yeah, like that's important.

Oops, My Bad

From Commerce Secretary Nominee To Doomsday Oracle

Remember that classy guy Sen. Judd Gregg who cheerfully accepted President Obama's Commerce Secretary nomination before realizing he despised the man and the rest of his stupid, money-spending Democratic deadbeat friends.

Well, he's not just going to withdraw his nomination, spit on Obama's bipartisan peace offering, and go off gentle into that good night. No sir-ee.

He's going to speak his mind. A lot. But not as part of the Obama economic team trying to get America out of its financial crisis and back on its own two solvent feet.

Rather as part of the illustrious Republican chorus of sneering Dick's, puffy, rage-filled radio hosts, and two double-consonant named backstabbers shrieking about how Obama's budget will "bankrupt the country" and turn this great nation into a demoralized, broke, wall-street crazed free-for-all drowning in its own greed and toxic debt.

And to think, we were doing so well without him!

Look Out Behind You, Senator!

Please, Sir, Can I Have Some More?

With the help of some (eight to be exact) bacon-loving Republicans, another one of presidential badass Barack Obama's $410 billion pork fests cruised smoothly through the Senate, despite the defection of three treacherous Democrats: Sens. Evan Bayh of Indiana, Russ Feingold of Wisconsin and Claire McCaskill of Missouri.

The so-called Omnibus--which is really just another name for stuffing as much sh*t as possible into one tight little package--is actually nine bills and covers nearly the entire domestic budget for the year, plus U.S. contributions to global health and foreign aid.

Loaded with enough individual "perks" ($7.7 billion!) to lure eight Republicans over to the dark side, the ambitious bill also increases spending on food and consumer product safety agencies, the FBI, Wall Street regulators and tax enforcement, as well as education and science initiatives, investments in sustainable energy and landmark public works programs from the first stimulus.

Despite objections from the usual one man pork patrol of John S. McCain and a few congressman who believe Cuban-American relations should stay stuck in the 1950s, President Barack Obama is expected to quickly sign the measure into law.

You know, so government operations don't shut down. And cause he never gets tired of watching old Johnny boy go off the deep end.

What, What, What!?

The More You Spend, The More You Save!

Hmmm, This Is Harder Than I Thought

After a busy week stimulating America, Redistributionist-in-Chief is at it again, pushing another one of his ambitious goals to rescue the country. This time, Comrade Barry plans to cut the annual deficit at least in half by the end of his term. Ha ha that's a good one.

I mean what the hell's he gonna do, withdraw troops from Iraq and place higher taxes on the wealthy?

Oh.

Well let's see. The president inherited a deficit for 2009 of about $1.2 trillion, which, including his spendulus package, will rise to more than $1.5 trillion. But his plan for withdrawing combat troops from Iraq will save about $90 billion a year, which is a shame because wasting obscene amounts of money on a war that can't be won has done wonders for us so far.

Normally his wild plan to tax the richest Americans, including the investment income (gasp!) of hedge fund and private equity partners at ordinary income tax rates instead of at bargain basement capital gains rate, would be more laughable than Joe the Plumber trying to be a real journalist.

But with hating Wall Street all the rage this season, President Obama's socialist shenanigans just may find enough congressional steam to pass.

The bad news is the rest of us are stuck listening to Rick Santelli rant like a lunatic about how "we're subsidizing bad behavior" by helping the poor when we could be helping responsible, deserving folk like Bernard Madoff instead.

Big Spendin' Barry

Imagine How Much Frankincense $787 Billion Could Buy!

Opponents of Barack Obama's $787 billion stimulus bill are looking to none other than El Savior Jesus Christ to show America the true evils of pork-filled legislation.

Now, the same conservative group that showed us the truth about Barack Hussein Obama and his terrorist pal Bill Ayers, is taking on the newest apocalypse of doom, liberal congress's billion dollar baby. And it's putting it in proper biblical proportions.

If Jesus wasn't enough to prove the unholy nature of the spendulus bill, the ad goes even further. Using a clip of liberal, pork-loving Satan Sen. Chuck Schumer, a New York Democrat to terrify the public. *Shudder.*

“Let me say this, to all of the chattering class that so much focuses on those little tiny, yes, porky amendments. The American people really don’t care.”

Wrong again, Mr. Senator. If the American people didn't care about porky things, would SPAM really be that popular?

I think not.

Republicans Cry Un-Kosher! Will Bring Home The Bacon Anyway

Some brave Republican governors are risking it all to take a stand against Comrade Barry and his $787 billion Socialist stimulus bill to ruin America.

These true American heroes have had enough of his pork-filled spendulus package and are threatening to reject the money available for education, health care and infrastructure in their states. Now that takes courage.

The kind of courage that puts conservative ideology far ahead of the needs of struggling, everyday Americans. So what if their states face some of the most crushing budget deficits, soaring unemployment, and staggering foreclosure rates in the entire country?

These patriotic governors face an even bigger obstacle. Like how to put their own political aspirations (Can you say White House 2012?) ahead of the needs of their states...without looking like a total Dick Cheney.

Luckily, there's a way to continue criticizing Obama's bloated, irresponsible national spending spree while secretly thanking sweet Jesus for giving their broke-a** states some money. Just ask South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. He'll tell you.

"I think the problem that was created with too much debt will never be solved by adding yet more debt. I think there are a number of wrinkles that have caused a number of us to say 'Wait a minute, let's take a long look at whether or not this really makes sense for our state.'"

Still, Sanford said he would accept the funds.

"Being against it doesn't preclude taking the money."

Of course it doesn't. The same way it doesn't make you a hypocrite either.

Well, Maybe Just This Much

Pot Meet Kettle

Well, well look who we have here, our old pal John McCain!

It's been awhile since we last saw Johnny and naturally much has changed. Like John McCain going from an "angry old candidate to an angry old defeated candidate."

On Sunday, the J Mac took his angry self to CNN, so he could let the American people know what could have been, had they elected him president instead of that socialist with the funny name.

If Johnny was in charge, that pure pork calling itself a stimulus package would be tossed into the frying vat where it belongs and his brilliant proposal of tax cuts and more tax cuts would be cruising smoothly through Congress.

A Congress he whipped into good, bipartisan shape with his stunning negotiation skills and highly coveted powers of persuasion.

Plus, unlike Comrade Barry, John would never mortgage his children or grandchildren or great-grandchildren's future on a $787 billion stimulus measure that is nothing more than pure "generational theft."

He would much rather bankrupt the country in the traditional Republican way: on fruitless wars and $2.5 trillion tax cuts for the rich.

But if that doesn't work, he'll talk to Cindy about maybe putting one or two of their numerous houses on the market. That should pretty much take care of the national debt right there.

Mike Huckabee Loves God Too Much To Support Comrade Barry's Assault On Religion

Everyone knows Comrade Barry's $828 billion stimulus package is just part of the Democrats' grand master plan to transform America into Soviet Russia.

But did you know the stimulus bill hates God? Well it does. And if you support it, you obviously hate God too.

Just ask former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee. He knows all about the deviant, "anti-religious" nature of Obama's devil bill, which bans higher education funds from being used on a “school or department of divinity.”

I mean who does Barry think he is, acting all founding father-like trying to separate church and state, like some nouveau Benjamin Franklin.

Luckily, America has Mike Huckabee to warn us about this liberal scourge masquerading as an economic stimulus bill to help millions of struggling Americans.

“You would think the ACLU drafted this bill...Emily’s List, radical environmental groups...are working with an equally ‘progressive’ President Obama" to ruin America and take away our precious freedoms.

Next thing you know Obama will be telling us humans really evolved from apes and not Adam's rib or some other crazy, half-cooked liberal concoction like that.

Barack Obama Confuses America With Clear Answers And Thoughtful Responses

Well, well if it isn't Mr. Money Bags Barack Obama acting all presidential with his $838 billion stimulus bill to save America. You know the one that's gonna create or save 4 million jobs and help reverse the damage done by letting a bunch of morons who cry pork or earmark every time money is spent on something other than bombs and guns run things for eight years.

Which reminds me how much I'm gonna miss old George W. At least he made things fun. Like when he'd act all goofy during press conferences, trying to open locked doors, making funny faces, showing his newest dance moves, and of course pronouncing words in hilarious new ways just to make America feel good, if only for a few moments. That's just the kind of guy he was.

But now we're stuck with some elitist Rhodes Scholar president who not only calls on reporters using their actual names, but actually answers the questions asked. In full detail. With a clear grasp of the subject being discussed.

Which is weird, because I always thought press conferences were so the president could awkwardly avoid having to explain anything and instead showcase the hilarious new reporter nicknames he came up with while playing Tiddlywinks with Laura in the Oval Office.

In Obama We Trust

Are You There God? It's Me, Harry

Living On A Prayer

Please, please God, let this stimulus bill pass so for once I don't look even more like the impotent, wisp of a senate majority leader everyone thinks I am.

I've tried my very best to make dear leader Obama proud. I even let Rahm Emanuel follow me around all day like a smitten school girl to make sure I didn't get bullied by those meany Republicans. They can be so rude!

But did I complain? No.

Did I whine about having to spend endless hours in backroom negotiations trying to trim $80 billion in pork so the only three rational Republicans in the Senate, Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, and Arlen Specter would agree to support it? No.

Or how about having to deal with those pesky "moderate" Democrats (whatever the hell that means...who do they think they're kidding?) like self-proclaimed conservative Nebraska Sen. Ben Nelson?

You try talking to a guy who says things like, "We trimmed the fat, fried the bacon and milked the sacred cows." A real piece of work that Nelson.

But, hey, whatever it takes to make a little ol' senate majority leader like me look powerful. Harry Reid, he's strong like bull.

And to get that damn mad man Rahm Emanuel off my back. He's scary.