The Tsunami That Is Mark Sanford's Life

When it rains it pours. Unless you're Mark Sanford of course, in which case, it's a tsunami.

It wasn't enough to just get caught with his Argentinean mistress while he was supposed to be roughing it in the Appalachian wilderness or having his wife announce she's leaving him shortly after their two-week European jaunt to repair the marriage failed to fix anything except the delusion that Jenny may still want Mark back.

No, no Mark needed more to really make 2009 stand out as the opposite of that lame Russell Crowe movie and qualify as the worst year of one painfully unslick South Carolina governor's life.

Luckily, he got just what he needed. Turns out Mr. stimulus-rejecting welfare queen Mark Sanford improperly used state aircraft for personal and political trips, even carting around those god-awful wife and kids--all in violation of state law. Yikes!

And you thought banging South American hotties on the sly was the only improper thing this tight-fisted, wasteful-spending hating Republican star governor of South Carolina was capable of. Puh-leese!

He knows how to squander state funds with the best of 'em! Like taking private jet's to his kid's sporting events, all-important hair and dentist appointments, book signings, birthday parties, Christmas tree lighting ceremonies, and other pressing, high-level state functions.

What he will not do however is accept federal stimulus money for something frivolous like South Carolina's public schools. Not until every last state employee uses both sides of their Post-It notes and understands the importance of stretching every dollar as far as it goes.

All the way to Buenos Aires if you're really good.

Phew! Gov. Mark Sanford's Face Won't Be On Milk Cartons After All

Good news nation! South Carolina Governor and notorious welfare queen Mark Sanford, who vanished without a trace from his beloved red-headed stepchild of a state on Thursday, has finally been found!

Which is good because everyone was getting pretty worried over his little one-man game of hide-and-seek, except of course for his lovely wife Jenny whose knowledge of Mark's whereabouts extends no further than "he is writing something and wanted some space to get away from the kids.” Oh, I see. Nothing suspicious there.

Same with South Carolina authorities, who like wifey, also apparently fell just short of the governor's need-to-know requirements and were instead forced to trace calls from Sanford's cell phone to figure out where the hell their AWOL governor went. Only to discover his four-day joyride included a stop in Hotlanta--for business purposes of course.

But fear not my friends, everything's going to be fine. Sanford's communications director Joel Sawyer said that before the governor scrammed like a bat out of hell, “he let staff know his whereabouts and that he'd be difficult to reach.” How nice of him!

But just to be on the safe side and clear up that nasty rumor the governor was missing, his office also released a statement, “Gov. Sanford is taking some time away from the office this week to recharge after the stimulus battle and the legislative session, and to work on a couple of projects that have fallen by the wayside."

I think their names are Kitty and Monica. Or was it Bunny and Tina? I can never keep 'em straight!