Thursday, September 29, 2011

Racist College Republican Bake Sale Proves That When It Comes To The GOP, Racism Is Black & White (Cookies)

UC Berkeley College Republicans (yes, apparently, they do exist!) are all hot 'n bothered about a terrible (Socialist?) new affirmative action law by hippie-dippie California governor Jerry Brown that would allow state universities to consider race, gender, ethnicity and national origin in admission applications.

Oh the humanity!

Because everyone (aka 20-something white Republican males) knows affirmative action is terribly racist against the real victims, the ever-persecuted white male, and to prove this notion once and for all, they will hold a bake sale that is racist against everyone else.

White power y'all!

Which, in the dumb, half-baked minds of a misguided, racist GOP student body, means holding a dumb, racist, half-baked GOP student bake sale, where stoned white males with a hankerin' for something sweet have to pay $2 per cupcake, while everybody else pays a couple quarters less for their baked good of choice, depending on skin color, gender, and of course, a wonderful, randomly assigned scale of "this is how much less than a white guy you are worth."

To, ummm, prove a point!?

Asian Americans? That'll be a $1.50. Latinos? Just $1.00 please. Blacks? Oh, they are very cheap compared to white guys, only $0.75. Native Americans? Even better, only $0.25 a pop! That's practically dirt! Doesn't get much more worthless than that.

And remember people, ladies are worth 25 cents less than men across the board. So word to the wise, find some nice black and/or Native American ladies on campus and you my friend, will be able to stuff your face with all the cupcakes and cream puffs your diabetic li'l heart desires. On the cheap!

From CNN:
“We agree that the event is inherently racist, but that is the point,” Berkeley College Republican President Shawn Lewis wrote in response to upheaval over the bake sale.
"We agree that the event is inherently racist, but..." is also the GOP platform.
“It is no more racist than giving an individual an advantage in college admissions based solely on their race (or) gender.”
Right, of course! Just like saying eight black women are worth one white guy is racist against white guys.

Which is weird because I was always under the impression that black guy snacks (wait or was it black guys??) should cost 3/5 of the "normal" price.

One white, err, vanilla cupcake, please!

[image via Wonkette]

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Makin' Mama Proud: Bristol Palin Rides A Mechanical Bull, Gets Into Bar Fight With Angry Homosexual

Like most new 20-year-old single mothers, Bristol Palin spent her Thursday night riding a mechanical bull and screaming at some gay guy in a West Hollywood bar because that's what underage, abstinence-crusading hillbillies do when shamelessly grifting, err, filming themselves being idiots for some dumb reality teevee show nobody's going to watch anyway.

So there's Bristol, minding her own business, innocently flailing around on the one Saddle Ranch bar patron that wouldn't accidentally impregnate her, when suddenly, out of a nowhere, a homosexual appears. And not just any homosexual, but an angry, screaming, active homosexual who doesn't much care for Bristol's mother, Alaskan empress Sarah Palin, or her annoying, unemployed offspring either.

So Bristol did what most anyone would do when confronted by a drunk stranger, and marches over to the screamer, demanding to know if "he is a homosexual," because that is how you insult someone Alaska-style.

Good thing the cameras were still rolling!

From CBS LA:
“Did you ride Levi like that? Your mother is a whore! Your mother is a f***ing devil!” he shouts.
Palin approaches the man and asks, “Is it because you’re a homosexual and that’s why you hate her?”
“Pretty much … and why’d you say I’m a homosexual?” he responds.
“Because I can tell you are,” Bristol says.
“You’re f***ing white trash from Wasila!” he screams as she leaves with her production crew. “F*** you, you f***ing b***h!”
At one point, the man also tells Palin that he doesn’t believe in hell, but that if it exists, he believes her mother will go there.
Ummm, what do you think Alaska is? The freakin' Garden of Eden?

Anyway, I totally know what you're thinking, "Doesn't the bull usually ride the cow?"

Funny thing is, they had to give the mechanical bull a few stiff ones before it would let Bristol mount it.

Kinda like Levi.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Great American Scheme: Send Sarah Money To See Sarah Run!

No one, I mean no one, knows how to make a killing from doing nothing quite like grifter-quitter-grandma extraordinaire Sarah Palin. Hell, it's not her fault, she was born that way!

And being the kind of psycho, narcissistic, fame whore who thinks she's entitled to moose piles of money for ridin' around the county yellin' crazy racist stuff at old white people in a custom-made, American flag-covered tour bus tribute to herself, Sarah Palin has devised yet another "fool-proof" way to bilk the hard-working public out of their hard-earned money by continuing to pretend anyone other than mindless zombie hockey moms and Wasilla's nursing home community would actually elect her president of the National Mushing Association, let alone the United States.

Seriously, who knew waiting around, doing nothing could be so profitable!? Other than SarahPAC treasurer Tim Crawford, of course!
As you may know, Gov. Palin is on the verge of making her decision of whether or not to run for office.
It’s one of the most difficult and important decisions of her life. And I want her to know that she has our support.
Gov. Palin is a proven leader. She’s a common-sense conservative who fights for the rights of Americans like you and me — not special interests or big corporations.
Meanwhile, Barack Obama’s presidency is a disaster. One in five working-age men are out of work. One in seven Americans are on food stamps. Thirty percent of our mortgages are under water. Parts of Michigan and California are suffering from unemployment numbers that are greater than during the depths of the Great Depression.
Someone must save our nation from this road to European Socialism. Do you think it should be Gov. Palin?
If so, can you send your best, one-time gift to SarahPAC today to help her elect more common-sense conservatives - and show her that we support her if she decides to run?
YES WE CAN!! YES WE CAN!! Because, yes, underlining random words and phrases does make it sound less like a shakedown, particularly if your choice for president also happens to be the one begging for your last twenty dollars.

It's your lucky day, America! You have the once-in-a-lifetime once-every-four-years opportunity to give Sarah Palin lots of money, so she can maybe think about keeping her streak of losing to better, more qualified candidates alive. Or not.

On second thought, stop thinking at all and just hand over the fucking cash.

Oh, and if you choose to send a check instead, always remember to heed Sarah's advice and quit writing it halfway through. Ya know, common sense!

[image via AP]

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal Finally Goes Into Effect As Society Welcomes Republicans Into The 21st Century Of Basic Human Dignity

Congratulations, America! The moment we've all been waiting for—and Republicans have been warning us about—is finally here, and it's most definitely queer.

At the stroke of midnight on Tuesday, the terrible, nearly two decades old discriminatory policy banning gays and lezzies from being all they can be as loud 'n proud members of the U.S. military is officially as dead as poor people would be if the GOP had anything to say about it.

It's true! So now that Don't Ask Don't Tell is just another one of America's most cherished, nostalgic Clinton-era memories (right up there with Monica Lewinsky's semen-stained blue dress, and all the wild 'n crazy things you can do with a cigar), what does this mean for the rest of us?

Where's the hellfire, the brimstone, the unraveling of America's moral fabric, the total collapse of civilized society, and the vengeful fury of God's wrath that every Republican knows comes from no longer regulating whether our nation's servicemen and women are servicing each other with the proper penis-vagina ratios?

Even the usually reliable ol' gay panic standby Fox News is uncharacteristically silent on the issue, with nary a peep about how letting gross gay and lesbians openly serve will quickly and irreversibly transform America's once-lean, mean, hetero fighting Marine Corps machine into one big camouflaged Chorus Line, except with less ensemble dance numbers and more anal gang rapes in the shower.

So while Michele and Marcus Bachmann, Lindsay Graham, and the rest of the Grand Old Closet Cases anxiously wait for Armaggedon to come in the form of fatigue-wearing Eltons and Ellens, the rest of America can feel Ga-Ga Great knowing their country's military policy towards gay people is officially no longer on par with North Korea, Uganda, Syria, and Iran, but instead as wonderfully enlightened as Albania, Estonia, and Malta's.

From the AP:

Gay advocacy groups planned a series of celebrations across the country.
At a San Diego bar, current and former troops danced and counted down to midnight. “You are all heroes,” Sean Sala, a former Navy operations specialist, said. “The days of your faces being blacked out on the news — no more.”
The head of Pentagon personnel, Clifford Stanley, put out a memo to the work force at 12:01 a.m. EDT. “All service members are to treat one another with dignity and respect regardless of sexual orientation.”
OMG, what a crazy, novel idea!!

THE GAYS WIN! Hooray! Doesn't the liberal destruction and moral decay of our nation just feel faaaaaabulous!?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Multi-Millionaire Republicans Simply Cannot Afford Obama’s Socialist Rich People Tax

While Republicans, like Louisiana Rep. John Fleming, were busy whining about how $6.3 million a year just ain't what it used to be (I mean who do you have to screw to get some freakin' foie gras!?), President of Socialism, Barack Obama, was busy concocting his evil plan to reduce the ballooning deficit by having the (black) balls big enough to ask precious multi-millionaires and billionaires to actually pay their fair share of taxes instead of just making dumb poor and old people collect bottle caps and harvest their own organs to do it.

Ugh, the nerve!

Ignoring yet another meaningless warning from Republicans against terrible Commie tax increases, President Obama unveiled his new deficit-reduction plan, "The Buffett Rule," forcing the nation's wealthiest one percent to give half their salaries, in cold-hard cash, to the Nation of Islam, greenpeace loving halogen lightbulb manufacturers fix the crumbling economy and close the ever-widening gap between the wonderful, virtuous rich and revolting, needy poor. Or something like that.
President Obama on Monday will call for a new minimum tax rate for individuals making more than $1 million a year to ensure that they pay at least the same percentage of their earnings as middle-income taxpayers.

In remarks in the White House Rose Garden, Obama drew stark contrasts between Republican's penchant for backing "tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires" while requiring seniors, the middle class and the poor to tighten their belts and accept sacrifices.
"During this past decade, profligate spending in Washington, tax cuts into multi-millionaires and billionaires, and two wars have turned a record surplus into a massive deficit," Obama said. "If we don't act, the debt will eventually crowd out everything else, eventually affecting us from investing in things like education and Medicaid. We need to cut what we can't afford to pay for things we need."

And what we need is bigger tax breaks for über-rich corporations! I mean seriously, what else should we do, let Rep. John Walsh and his family starve to death on his hobo salary of $400,000 after adjusting for whatever the hell else he does with the remainder of the paltry $6.3 million he annually pockets from his various Subway and UPS franchises (accidentally order the five (hundred) dollar footlong?).

Well, some people (Republicans) simply will not stand for this class warfare! Asking the perfect, morally flawless job creators like corporate CEOs, oil barons, and heiresses to give the big bad gubmint their hard-earned money is simply outrageous. What the hell does this look like, Soviet Russia or something?
"This plan eliminates tax loopholes that primarily go to the largest business and corporations--tax breaks that small businesses and middle class Americans don't have to pay," Obama said. "We can't afford these special lower rates for the wealthy, which by the way, were initially talked about as temporary measures."
"Either we have to ask the wealthy to pay their fair share, or we have to ask seniors to pay more for medicare, or gut education. This is not class warfare. It's math."
Exactly! After all, the only thing scarier to Republicans than gross poor people is gross numbers. Though, I guess as a compromise, we could always just propose gutting Republicans instead!?

Finally, a solution we can all swallow!

Plus, on the bright side, unlike John Fleming's enormous family of ravenous, $200,000/year truffle-stuffing gluttons, we'll finally have something to shove down our pie holes that doesn't cost four times what the average American schlub makes in an entire year.


Thursday, September 15, 2011

Oy Vey! Since Weiner's Unkosher, Ultra-Orthodox Jews In New York Help Elect A Different Kind Of Prick: A Republican!

OMG, did you hear the news, America? The mind-blowing, earth-shattering, life-altering, universe-imploding news straight out of Anthony Weiner's pants New York's 9th about Barack Obama being un-elected, thanks to a special election to replace fallen Democratic cocktease, err congressman, and Twitterin' fool, Anthony Weiner with someone a little less circumcised and a little more racist.


You see, a funny thing happened on the way to Kew Gardens. Apparently, instead of just voting to replace Anthony "Cock Shot" Weiner, his entire former NY-9 district got together to cast their 2012 Election votes a good year-plus ahead of time in a referendum on that terrible failure Barack Hussein Obama for everything Republicans hate about him (his skin color?).

Turns out, New York is sick and tired of being a godless, gay, Jew-less, Socialist mecca for no-good terrorist Muslims, which is why NY-09 decided to use this special House race to elect a Republican for the first time since 1922.

That's right, people! The fair citizens from southern Brooklyn to south central Queens (Rego Park, what what!) have chosen 70-year-old Muslim hating maniac and Teabagging delight Bob Turner over 56-year-old (not quite ultra) Orthodox Jew Democrat David Weprin as the new President of New York of America.

Because contrary to what the Jew-run lamestream media would like you to believe, Jewish voters actually hate Obama (just ask Fox News!), which is why the black hat, ultra-orthodox Jews chose Turner, a Catholic, over Weprin, a Jew Obama, a Jew-hater.

But that's not all! It's also because of the gays getting gay-married and Muslims building Muslim-y Mosques all over the once-sacred streets of strip clubs and sex shops in Lower Manhattan.

According to the AP:
Democrats enjoy a 3:1 registration advantage over Republicans in the district, but it’s relatively conservative by New York standards in national contests to make it upset territory, going for President Obama with only 55% of the vote in 2008 with similar numbers for John Kerry in 2004. The district’s unique ethnic makeup — heavily Jewish (especially Orthodox), heavily Irish and Italian, and heavily Asian and Hispanic — and strong local character makes it difficult to declare it representative of the nation of large.

But voter frustration with Obama put Weprin in the unlikely spot of playing defense. Turner, a 70-year-old Catholic, vowed to push back on Obama's policies if elected.

Weprin became embroiled in New York-centric disputes over Israel and gay marriage, which cost him some support among Jewish voters.

Orthodox Jews, who tend to be conservative on social issues, expressed anger over Weprin's vote in the Assembly to legalize gay marriage. And Weprin was challenged on the right of the sponsors of the Park 51 community center, a proposed Islamic center and mosque near the World Trade Center site, to locate their project in Lower Manhattan.
So congratulations to Bob Turner, the new representative of your crazy, racist, homophobic, Jewish aunt with five cats, 500 square feet of prime studio space, and zero tolerance for gross gays, even grosser Muslims, and of course, the grossest of all, charming, chocolate-colored presidents.

Mazel Tov to Bubby! You've successfully traded a Weiner for a dick!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Most Nerve-Wracking Moment of George W. Bush’s Presidency Was Throwing A Baseball; Throwing Two Wars & An Economy In The Gutter Is Child's Play

How's That For A Strike?

Human caricature and accidental cowboy president George W. Bush sure had a lot of "nerve-wracking" moments during his 8-year reign showering peace and prosperity smart bombs and death onto the land with his signature combination of utter recklessness and absolute idiocy.

And with the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history, two endless, bloody wars, Hurricane Katrina's drowning of New Orleans, unprecedented trampling of civil liberties, including initiating the most wide-ranging extrajudicial surveillance of American citizens in a generation, authorizing widespread abuses of detainees at Gitmo and various other secret terrorist prisons around the world, all after achieving the narrowest (and most disputed!) presidential victory in history, you'd think he'd have plenty of ripe, juicy memories to choose from!

You'd be wrong. Haha, silly fools! Because, as it turns out, "the most nervous moment" of his presidency—check that, of his entire life—was throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at the 2001 World Series.

From his lips to your ears!

According to his interview with the producers of HBO's documentary Beyond 9/11: Portraits of Resilience, George W. Bush's most heart-pounding, sweat inducing feeling came during that seminal moment the world will never remember forget, Game One of the 2001 Yankees-Diamondbacks world series. That's right, the freakin' Diamondbacks!

The adrenaline was coursing through my veins, and the ball felt like a shotput. And Todd Greene, the catcher, looked really small. Sixty feet and six inches seemed like a half-mile. And anyway, I took a deep breath and threw it, and thankfully it went over the plate. The response was overwhelming. It was the most nervous I had ever been. It was the most nervous moment of my entire presidency, it turns out.
Oh, hahaha, so that's how it turned out!! I always thought it turned out with thousands of Americans dead, even more thousands of Muslim civilians bombed, America's 31st biggest city (but #1 biggest party city!) transformed into a new, modern-day Atlantis, and trillions & trillions of dollars in unpaid war debt!

On the bright side, at least Kanye didn't call him a racist who doesn't care about black people, because that would have been really tragic. Almost as tragic as caring about them enough to actually do anything to, oh, I don't know, maybe help them during one of the worst natural disasters in American history.

Just a thought.

Seriously, that was some fucking pitch, though.

Now, if we could only have figured out a way to strike out the most nerve-wracking moment of his Presidency for the rest of us. I believe it was called the 2000s.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Republicans Debate Who Can Mindlessly Cram The Words Taxes & Ronald Reagan Into As Many Sentences As Possible In Two Hours

If you're like most normal, non-self loathing members of the public who don't particularly enjoy watching eight sociopaths suffering from various delusions and mental illnesses yell at each other over who loves Ronnie Reagen and Jesus, but hates terrible (Socialist) taxes (and gays!) the most, you probably missed last night's GOP Presidential clusterfuck debate.

Fear not, my friend! Lucky for you, some other miserable sadsack suffered through two endless hours of staring into Michele Bachmann's crazy baby blues, while Rick Perry bragged about all the awesome people he's executed (almost as many as Mitt's Mormon brood!) to bring you the only two words that mean anything to today's Grand Old Party:

Taxes and Ronald Reagan! Ronnie Reagan and Taxes!

Which is quite confusing! I mean how the hell do you tax a guy who's been dead for ten years?

Through one of Nancy's famous séances??

Either way, what's Jesus, the real one, not the actor/president/tax god, gonna say when he hears they FORGOT 9/11?!?!?

Two whole hours and not a single mention??

For Christ's sake!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

President Obama Agrees To Reduce Smog Regulations Because Clean Air Is Socialist (And Also Because Republicans Told Him So!)

So the inane, demented, "Are We Congressman or Kindergarteners" playground scuffle time slot slug fest between the White House and John Boehner's office is now officially over, with Barack Obama giving up even faster than usual in some lame misguided attempt to placate his Grand Old enemies, who'd like nothing more than to ship him back to deepest darkest Africa, at the expense of alienating those who actually matter, like say, the unemployed, NFL-watching, Snuggie-wearing, Pringles-stuffing, American public.

Maybe if Aaron Rodgers was the one giving the jobs speech, things would've been different?? But since he was blessed with arm strength, not oratory skills, President of capitulation, Barack Obama, will no longer deliver his very important jobs speech during Wednesday night's network premiere "Are you dumber than a Teabagger?" GOP presidential debate, and instead speak the following evening, on the one night America forgets the fact that it's fat, broke, and jobless in order to watch grown men in neon tights bend, grunt, and toss an oblong ball as an excuse to jump on each other in sweaty piles during the NFL season opener.
The date Obama requested falls on the same day as one of the Republican presidential debates, this one the first to feature Texas Gov. Rick Perry. Instead, Obama will now be competing against the NFL season opener.
Obama and Boehner squared off Wednesday, not over the contents of the speech but the date on which Obama will give it.
The White House and the Speaker’s office were at odds over whether the president’s staff had talked to Boehner’s office about the date before announcing it to the press.
Both sides dug in on their arguments, with Boehner’s office saying that the White House had only given them a heads up shortly before announcing the date instead of talking with the speaker about the schedule.
Sorry, Obama, parenting presidenting is hard work!

The big question now becomes what other terrible Republican ideas (or death wishes, if you prefer) will Obama give in to next to spare America the pain and suffering of being once again drowned in John Boehner's unnaturally orange-colored booze tears?

Will President Obama finally grant the GOP their Christmas wishlist of giant white corporate castles built from the bones of immigrants and welfare recipients, surrounded by a moat of sludge-filled toxic ooze teeming with delicious, regulation-free, three-headed mutant fish?

Oooh, ooh, or maybe he'll order the EPA to withdraw a proposal for tighter smog regulations, so that America’s children might have less oxygen flowing to their brains on their way to school and everyone can feel the wondrous pleasure of choking on their own beautifully capitalist, albeit highly noxious fumes. Merry lung cancer, America!

Maybe that will help Obama win the GOP's love!? Probably not, though!
In a dramatic reversal, President Barack Obama on Friday scrubbed a clean-air regulation that aimed to reduce health-threatening smog, yielding to bitterly protesting businesses and congressional Republicans who complained the rule would kill jobs in America’s ailing economy.
Withdrawal of the proposed regulation marked the latest in a string of retreats by the president in the face of GOP opposition, and it drew quick criticism from liberals.
Environmentalists, a key Obama constituency, accused him of caving to corporate polluters, and the American Lung Association threatened to restart the legal action it had begun against rules proposed by President George W. Bush.
Yes, but the important question is, did he please a one John Boehner with all this wonderful human suffering?
A spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, had muted praise for the White House, saying that withdrawal of the smog regulation was a good first step toward removing obstacles that are blocking business growth.
**Cough, cough** How sweet, he's too choked up to speak!
But perhaps more than some of the other regulations under attack, the ground-level ozone standard is most closely associated with public health — something the president said he wouldn’t compromise in his regulatory review.

Ozone is the main ingredient in smog, which is a powerful lung irritant that occasionally forces cancellation of school recesses, and causes asthma and other lung ailments.
Oooh, sounds sexy!

Naturally, the greedy bastards brilliant business minds at the Chamber of Commerce reacted with typical glee. "This an enormous victory for America's job creators, the right decision by the President, and one that will help reduce the uncertainty facing businesses."

Less so for the uncertainty facing Mother Earth.

Meanwhile, environmental groups were unrestrained in their disdain toward the decision. "The Obama administration is caving to big polluters at the expense of protecting the air we breathe," League of Conservation Voters President Gene Karpinski said. "This is a huge win for corporate polluters and huge loss for public health."

What ever do you mean?

Corporations are people, too! Now they just happen to be people who can now legally go around poisoning children.

There's your job creating right there!

Oh, and as an added bonus, the debt ceiling will now be covered in lead-based paint and insulated with asbestos. Hooray for America!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Art Of War: 9/11 Children's Coloring Book Helps Make Learning (To Hate Muslims) Fun Again!

Howdy, America! If you haven't already realized, or have been living under a rock (let's call her Sarah Palin), the 10-year anniversary of 9/11 is fast approaching, which begs the important question, what are you doing to celebrate freedom this year? Other than the usual neighborhood Mosque burning/BBQ block party/toga fest, of course!

But, what about the little ones? Are they donning their finest red, white, and blues and sufficiently freaked out about being blown to bits by Muslim terrorists who hate freedom but love fiery jihadist death?

No? Well then, have we got just the thing for you! A delightful wingnut coloring book, "We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids' Book of Freedom" to remind the li'l whippersnappers who's with us (Christians!), who's against us (liberals!) and who wants to murder us all in a massive explosion of jet fuel and steel (Muslims!).

Now, the kiddies will never forget 9/11. And much like drunk Uncle Ray, they'll never forget what color terrifying Muslims destroying America and freedom should be shaded in either. Remember, children, the awful brown crayon is for Osama-y people and the beautiful peach color is for the American soldiers!

What they will forget however is that Bush and Cheney repeatedly ignored warnings about Osama bin Laden, and then used the 9/11 attacks as an excuse to dupe the dumb, unsuspecting public into a bloody, protracted war in Iraq for oil and corporate profits, because Crayola still hasn't figured out the best crayon to use when shading in evil.

Wayne Bell, publisher of Really Big Coloring Books, Inc., says that the book is a memorial tribute. "It is an informational piece to help educate children on events on 9/11." It is "a simplistic, honest tool."

Just like him!

Despite complaints that nearly all mentions of Muslims in the book are accompanied by the words "terrorist," "extremist," or better yet, "freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists," Bell stood by the book as an "honest depiction."

"The truth is the truth," Bell said. “We don’t show any broken bones or tissue or explosion of heads or anything like that. This isn’t near that.”


What you will find is the accompanying text, which reads, “Children, the truth is, these terrorist acts were done by freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists. These crazy people hate the American way of life because we are FREE and our society is FREE.”

"It's unfortunate that they were all Muslim and that's the part people want to erase," Bell said. "I don't know what else you can call them."

How about Saudis? Or psychos, maybe? Though, as soon as li'l Johnny is done coloring, you can probably call them brown people, too. Or ragheads. Whatever you prefer!

Seriously, who doesn't love children’s coloring book history lessons, like why this time, it was the awful, no-good, freedom-hating Muslims, not the gross gays or greedy Jews, responsible for all the 9/11 death and destruction?

That way, you won't ever have to say to yourself, "wait, what color are Jews again?"

Oh well, time to go help my toddler color the picture of the bomb in tower 7. Also, the Christian cross at ground zero could use some filling in.

But, be sparing with your blue crayons, kids! You'll need those for the waterboarding pages.

See, isn't America grand? Instead of just being afraid of Muslims, you can be scared of coloring books too!