OMG, did you hear the news, America? The mind-blowing, earth-shattering, life-altering, universe-imploding news straight out of Anthony Weiner's pants New York's 9th about Barack Obama being un-elected, thanks to a special election to replace fallen Democratic cocktease, err congressman, and Twitterin' fool, Anthony Weiner with someone a little less circumcised and a little more racist.
Hooray??
You see, a funny thing happened on the way to Kew Gardens. Apparently, instead of just voting to replace Anthony "Cock Shot" Weiner, his entire former NY-9 district got together to cast their 2012 Election votes a good year-plus ahead of time in a referendum on that terrible failure Barack Hussein Obama for everything Republicans hate about him (his skin color?).
Turns out, New York is sick and tired of being a godless, gay, Jew-less, Socialist mecca for no-good terrorist Muslims, which is why NY-09 decided to use this special House race to elect a Republican for the first time since 1922.
That's right, people! The fair citizens from southern Brooklyn to south central Queens (Rego Park, what what!) have chosen 70-year-old Muslim hating maniac and Teabagging delight Bob Turner over 56-year-old (not quite ultra) Orthodox Jew Democrat David Weprin as the new President of New York of America.
Because contrary to what the Jew-run lamestream media would like you to believe, Jewish voters actually hate Obama (just ask Fox News!), which is why the black hat, ultra-orthodox Jews chose Turner, a Catholic, over Weprin, a Jew Obama, a Jew-hater.
But that's not all! It's also because of the gays getting gay-married and Muslims building Muslim-y Mosques all over the once-sacred streets of strip clubs and sex shops in Lower Manhattan.
Democrats enjoy a 3:1 registration advantage over Republicans in the district, but it’s relatively conservative by New York standards in national contests to make it upset territory, going for President Obama with only 55% of the vote in 2008 with similar numbers for John Kerry in 2004. The district’s unique ethnic makeup — heavily Jewish (especially Orthodox), heavily Irish and Italian, and heavily Asian and Hispanic — and strong local character makes it difficult to declare it representative of the nation of large.
But voter frustration with Obama put Weprin in the unlikely spot of playing defense. Turner, a 70-year-old Catholic, vowed to push back on Obama's policies if elected.
Weprin became embroiled in New York-centric disputes over Israel and gay marriage, which cost him some support among Jewish voters.
Orthodox Jews, who tend to be conservative on social issues, expressed anger over Weprin's vote in the Assembly to legalize gay marriage. And Weprin was challenged on the right of the sponsors of the Park 51 community center, a proposed Islamic center and mosque near the World Trade Center site, to locate their project in Lower Manhattan.
So congratulations to Bob Turner, the new representative of your crazy, racist, homophobic, Jewish aunt with five cats, 500 square feet of prime studio space, and zero tolerance for gross gays, even grosser Muslims, and of course, the grossest of all, charming, chocolate-colored presidents.
Rejoice America! Now that the Teapublicans have gone and taken America back from the evil Democratic scourge to regain rightful control of the House of Representatives, climate change is no more. Done, gone, finito, forever.
Woohoo!
Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming's top Republican and as such, one of the more vocal climate change deniers, announced they will be getting rid of the the committee when they take over, because now that the GOP is in power, climate change is a thing of the past! The lame, Democratic past, that is! Mwwhahahaha!
So why you wonder does this critical issue no longer need special congressional attention?
Duh! Because Republicans say so, that's why!
Turns out global warming never existed at all, except maybe in the minds of dumb Democrats, scientists around the world, the entire international community, and anyone else with half a brain instead of oil 'n sludge lodged between their ears.
Why didn’t those silly Democrats just listen to the Republicans all along? Here they are holding hearings about the future of the Earth itself, and the whole time our goofy swirling blue ball isn't warming up at all!
Whoopsies! What a hilarious blooper!
Of course, many of Sensenbrenner’s enlightened fellow Republicans were happy to see the committee scrapped.
“I think that if we’re looking for a good place to cut, not having this could be a good place to cut,” committee member Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), said, adding that, “I think that we’ve done a good job of proving that global warming is not a decided science.”
OMG totes! Same goes for that ridiculous monkeys-to-human thing. Suck it evolution! Darwin ain't got nothin' on Adam's Rib!
Luckily for the rest of us, Sensenbrenner promised to continue fighting the good fight to make sure other people in Congress don’t make this amusing little “climate change” mistake again.
But, noooooooo! Apparently some people, like the now-dead committee’s Democratic Chairman, Ed Markey, just don’t see what a terrible blunder they’re making here.
“We are not going away because the problems that climate change presents are too dangerous too urgent for us to disappear into the abyss of cynicism and loss,” Markey said. “We are not going away because China, India, and Germany are not going away as competitors for global energy dominance. We are not going away because the national security threats from our continued dependence on foreign oil are not going away.”
Oh, Markey! They're probably just playing peek-a-boo.
“The politics may change but the problems have not changed,” Markey said. “The problems still need to be remedied by legislative action that comes from the United States Congress.”
Whoa, whoa, not anymore, Ed! Didn't you get the memo? Magic Jesus will be calling the shots nowadays!
Meanwhile, Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.), who serves on the panel, called it a “travesty” that Republicans decided to axe the committee, saying, “It’s the worst thing that could happen.”
Get a grip, Cleaver! Besides, look on the bright side, the House Select Committee on Saving The Millionaires and Naming Stuff After Reagan isn't going anywhere.
Environmental attorney Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said the decision is “not just a catastrophe for global warming but it’s a catastrophe for national security...We have got to make sure to try to educate the Republicans, and to the extent they can’t be educated, to take Congress back.”
Ummm, yeah, good luck with that. They already called No Indian Giving! Err, wait, or was it just No Indians?? I can never keep it straight!
In other breaking congressional news, the sun revolves around the earth, which is flat. And, also if global warming did exist, it can simply be fixed with tax cuts for the rich. It says so in the bible!
Survival of the fittest? Ha ha, not anymore, my friends. This is the Republican's House, remember? More like survival of the dimwittedness!
OH NO!!! Health Care has passed and soon all of us will be dead and buried along with Grandmama and baby Trig and no one will be alive to remember this terrible day when freedom died, insurance companies were regulated, and every fifth Republican was forced by law to have an automatic abortion.
Well not everyone is taking kindly to this new shovel-ready government takeover of America's health care (the greatest in the world!), until approximately midnight Sunday, when in one swift strike of Nazi Pelosi's gavel, all hell broke loose, and America was abruptly reduced to a pathetic, Socialist shadow of its former self.
Let the countdown to Armageddon begin!
Perhaps it is another manifestation of the temporary Obama Derangement Syndrome that comes with having a scary Black man occupy the pure White House, but whatever the case may be, the passing of evil ObamaCare to help insure millions of struggling Americans, caused some people (namely congressional Republicans and their friendly "n*gger and f*ggot" shouting teabagging constituents) to lose whatever semblance of a rational mind still left in the ol' tank.
Like the newest Joe Wilson-like shining star of the Grand Old Party, Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX), whose own brave and courageous Tourette's Syndrome moment came during Sunday night's House debate on reform when he just couldn't stop himself from shrieking "baby killer" at pro-life Democrat turned pro-death health care supportin' traitor Bart Stupak while he spoke on the House floor. By accident.
Tsk tsk, Randy darling!
Have you no decency sir?
Oh right, your district went 72%-27% for McCain in 2008 so its Rep's shameful inability to control his bizarre loudmouth tendencies will probably keep his campaign coffers stuffed nice 'n fat for life, which, thanks to the DEMONcrat's terrible bill, will likely be a fraction of what it once would have been.
Of course, it did take Randy quite some time to step forward and claim the latest uncivilized outburst as his own brilliant handiwork, probably because he's so humble and doesn't like taking credit for the many heroic things he does for the American people. Just the kind of guy he is.
"Last night was the climax of weeks and months of debate on a health care bill that my constituents fear and do not support. In the heat and emotion of the debate, I exclaimed the phrase 'it's a baby killer' in reference to the agreement reached by the Democratic leadership. While I remain heartbroken over the passage of this bill and the tragic consequences it will have for the unborn, I deeply regret that my actions were mistakenly interpreted as a direct reference to Congressman Stupak himself."
"I have apologized to Mr. Stupak and also apologize to my colleagues for the manner in which I expressed my disappointment about the bill. The House Chamber is a place of decorum and respect. The timing and tone of my comment last night was inappropriate."
And as a result, I will now become the defacto leader of the new Republican Party of deranged Klansmen who love tea almost as much as freedom and fetuses.
Freedom-fighters like John McCain who is not done selling his soul in a desperate attempt to stave off total irrelevancy for another four-year term.
"There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year," McCain said during a radio interview Monday. "They have poisoned the well in what they've done and how they've done it." Hapuff!
Meanies!
Now if only I could use some of that same toxic well juice on that goddamn nut JD Hayworth before the bastard boots me out of my beloved desert state, which I own because of the rich wifey, who much like everyone else, can't really stand me either.
"In my opinion, the institution of the Congress has been fundamentally harmed," explained doomsday oracle Sen. Judd Gregg, whose love of all things double applies to consonants in his name as well as standards in Congress, because everyone knows the process Democrats used to craft the bill is completely unjustified except when Republicans do it.
Still, Gregg acknowledged that voters' (non-existent) concerns about processes used to pass the health care bill might have abated, along with their failing health and/or bankruptcy woes, by November.
"There will be other events in this nation which capture the attention of the American people," he told CNBC. "So it's very possible that people will not be as focused on this by next November."
You better believe we'll find something else to scare the bejesus out of the dumb public by then!
I mean how else do you expect us to get elected, tell the truth?? Lol.
Salty sailor and socialist sex monster Rep. Eric Massa is finally setting the record straight (ha ha, straight) on his whole real cancer/gay cancer resignation scandal that sent shock waves across the world Page Six of the New York Post.
Turns out, New York's own Eric Massa is a totally normal, red-blooded, fiercely heterosexual American man having fun at a wedding, gettin' George W. Bush level wasted from fifteen gin & tonics and—like any straight guy would—saying he wanted to bang a male staffer, and suddenly the uptight Democrats are trying to push the guy out of the House for being all gay and weird and possibly casting the deciding vote that would kill health care reform.
Luckily, the dedicated journalists and free speech activists over at Fox News have wised up to Democratic tricks like smearing their obviously homosexual fellow DEMONcrat and health care salt-in-the-wound Eric Massa as homosexual, after saying some massively gay thing to another male, making said male most uncomfortable.
"I was with my wife. And in fact we had a great time. She got the stomach flu," he said.
Massa said he had just gotten up to sing "Auld Lang Syne" (some weird Scottish tune) and had finished dancing with the bride and bridesmaid — in full view of cameras — when he sat back down at a table with male staff members. That’s when he made the "inappropriate" remark.
"One of them looked at me and, as they would do after, I don't know, 15 gin and tonics, and goodness only knows how many bottles of champagne, a staff member made an intonation to me that maybe I should be chasing after the bridesmaid, and his points were clear and his words were far more colorful than that.
"And I grabbed the staff member sitting next to me and said, 'Well, what I really ought to be doing is fracking you,'" he said.
"And then [I] tousled the guy’s hair and left, went to my room, because I knew the party was getting to a point where it wasn’t right for me to be there. Now was that inappropriate of me? Absolutely. Am I guilty? Yes."
OMG, can you believe these terrible Democrats and their McCarthy witch hunt? I mean what totally, 100% straight male doesn't throw back a few brewskies and immediately start grabbing the nearest hot piece of man tail available?
It is like the Dems were looking for something, anything, to get rid of the salty sailor who loves dick (not Cheney) but hates any reform that is less than a full-scale government takeover of health care.
And all it took was one "salty" drunken comment for the Democratic "forces that be" to "orchestrate a character assassination" to push dear Massa out of the House of Representatives and prevent him from shattering the hopes of affordable, quality health care for those schlubs without the luxury of having the prefixes Sen. or Rep. attached to their name.
"Mine is now the deciding vote on the health care bill and this administration and this House leadership have said, quote-unquote, they will stop at nothing to pass this health care bill, and now they've gotten rid of me and it will pass. You connect the dots," Massa said.
"The future of the Democratic Party rests on passing this health care bill. They can get anyone to say anything about me concerning anything at all and in fact they did."
It's not that hard when you're a randy former seaman with a sharp tongue and a history of wholly inappropriate conduct especially when it involves crude slangs for "doin' the nasty."
But with all this Eric Massa news, and so many claims of naked penis sightings between him, Rahm Emanuel, Glenn Beck, a male staffer at a wedding and in the Congressional Showers, it's hard to keep track of which ding-a-ling belongs to which strapping, male owner.
Luckily, there's the innocent victim himself to tell us the real truth about this democratic "witch hunt" to oust him from power.
Of course, like all problems in society, the source of this evil plot against Rep. Massa comes from notorious pitbull and hater of retarded people, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, the most terrible, evil, n'er do well since that good-for-nothin' NObama stole the election and illegally claimed the White House.
"Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil's spawn," Massa said on his radio show. "He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote. He would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive."
Oooooh, sounds sexy! Go on??
Rahm also had the nerve to visit New York's 29th back when he was head of the DCCC to "inspect" this not-at-all-gay Navy monster and tell him to ease up with the whole raging, red-faced anger ball routine, saying, "I don't want you on T.V. tonight to be angry. Just take it down a notch."
The nerve of that terrible battering Rahm, offering advice to help a fellow Democrat actually win the House seat, which he lost, in his first run. Ooops!
But that's not it! Massa also described a heated exchange he had with a naked, now-White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel years later in the House gym, where the shower curtains had 'inexplicably' been removed. Hmmm, whatever you say Massa.
"I'm ... naked as a jay bird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn't going to vote for the president's budget," Massa said. "Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?"
But, also how oddly arousing...
Of course, actual sex with a naked man is a whole other animal. Likely a prize-winning stallion with a very large package ego, known to most as Rahm Emanuel. But you can just call him Rahmbo!
That's a nice doggy. The adorably-nicknamed Blue Dog Coalition--those not-at-all opportunistic moderate and conservative Democrats in the House--have finally stopped snarling about Obama's doomsday Health Care plan to ruin America and turn its health system into Cuba's or even worse, Canada's.
Of course much work remains, but the growling Blue Dogs have finally agreed to support ObamaCare without sacrificing anything too major, like actually helping the millions of uninsured Americans be able to pay for more than generic cough syrup and a plain wooden casket to host their sorry, indigent bodies.
Which is good news 'cause now the House should be able to pass a decent health reform bill, as long as Colorless Dog Whisperer Chairman Henry Waxman cuts its costs by $100 billion and Democrats postpone a House vote until after lawmakers return from their much-deserved August recess. Doing nothing can be so exhausting!
Even Mr. Health Care himself Barack Obama was pleased with the progress.
“I want to thank the members of both the Senate and House of Representatives for continuing their work on health reform to provide more stability and security for Americans who have insurance, and quality, affordable coverage for those who don't. I'm especially grateful that so many members, including some Blue Dogs on the Energy and Commerce Committee, are working so hard to find common ground. Those efforts are extraordinarily constructive in strengthening this legislation and bringing down its cost.”
So kudos to the Blue Dogs for their tireless efforts to accomplish something other than getting elected on the sole basis of not being a Republican.
Thanks to all their barking, we get to wait 'til September for our perfectly good health care system to go to socialized hell. But by then our tans will have faded, we'll probably be dead from swine flu, and no one will even care anymore!
Oh, nothing unusual. Just your average Republican Rep. from Kansas (where else?) Todd Tiahrt ranting against Obama's health care plan with the airtight argument that if health care covered abortions, Obama's mom might have aborted him.
Luckily, Todd understands what Obama and the rest of those socialist Democrats don't--that low-income mothers of African-Americans, like President Barack Obama and Justice Clarence Thomas, would have aborted their children, if only given the opportunity to have a free, government-funded abortion. Oooh enticing!
"There is a financial incentive that would be put in place, paid for by tax dollars, that would encourage single parents, living below the poverty level, to have the opportunity for a free abortion. If you take that scenario and apply it to many of the great minds we have today, who would we have been deprived of? Our President grew up in those similar circumstances. If that financial incentive was in place, is it possible that his mother might have taken advantage of it? Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice, if those circumstances were in place, is it possible that we’d have been denied his great mind?"
Here she is my friends, the new junior senator from New York you've never heard of: Congresswoman Kirsten Gillibrand, at your service. NY Gov. David Paterson's not-at-all controversial pick to replace the unfillable void left by dear Hillary's departure for her consolation prize running the State Department.
Clearly, Miss Gillibrand was chosen for her loyal service as Rep. of New York's 20th congressional district in the U.S. House, and not because a certain replacement governor thinks her ties to moderate Democrats upstate and connections to Clinton's cash-machine could help with his 2010 election bid.
So, that means we don't have to hear about Caroline Kennedy and the senate seat she's not filling anymore, right? Over the media's dead body. They haven't spent the last few weeks covering every jaw-dropping twist 'n turn in this thrilling senate seat saga to quit now. Things are just starting to heat up!
Besides, who can resist a bizarre love triangle featuring political power-grabs, the state of New York, and at least two of the Democratic party’s major dynasties?
