Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, Who's The Biggest Beltway Whore Of All?

With the Grand Old Party of family values and straight, missionary-style sex only, feelin' the burning red heat over the latest Republican donor scandal involving the usual multi-thousand dollar spending sprees at various, upscale bondage-themed Lezzy clubs, the real question on everyone's mind is which of our esteemed two political parties (of honor, integrity, and raging hormones) really has the harder time keeping their hoohas and weewees in their respective, freshly pressed skirts and/or pleated trousers?

So many sex scandals sullying so many districts in so little time makes the showdown for sexual supremacy a challenging one! But once the pants are zipped, shirts buttoned, romp-tousled hair combed slick, and numbers all tallied, where do our honorable elected officials stack up? And which side of the congressional aisle comes out as the dominant top, and which the submissive bottom, who goes home alone and unfulfilled to nothing but pot roast and the nagging wifey of 25-plus years?

Strap on your safety belts, ladies and gentleman, it's gonna be a wild ride through the last two dripping wet decades of unbridled lust, unchecked libidos, repressed sexuality, deep denial, spurned spouses, secret baby daddys, sordid same-sex solicitations, torrid trysts, rough 'n tumble role-playing rendezvous, boring, by-the-book harassment, and enough middle-of-the-night monkey business to keep any red-blooded American locked, loaded, and ready to rock.

And what better way to beat the winter blues and usher in bountiful spring than fresh off the heels of March Madness in the form of Salt Lake City skinny dips featuring Utah State Senate Republican majority leader Kevin Garn, underage 15-year-old gal, a hot tub and $150,000 in hush money, Salty Sailor and Big Apple Democrat "Tickle Me Eric" Massa's hands-on approach to young male staffers, and of course California State Senator and conservative, vehemently anti-gay crusader Roy Ashburn doing some drunken cruising of his own at just about every Southern California bar sporting a neon rainbow sign flashing on its marquee.

So, after examining the 58 scandals (that's it?) over the past 20 years involving all politicians or major candidates for city mayor or above--involving crimes, allegations, or just the usual tabloid fodder we Americans love so much--what overarching conclusions (if any) can be reached, aside from the obvious hearty libidos of our nation's lawmakers and leaders?

• The number of sex scandals has increased dramatically over the past few decades, thanks to technology, new press standards and a post-Clinton belief that everything is fair game.
  (Including soiled dresses and all the fun things you can do with a cigar!)

• Based on the methodology used, Republicans have more scandals (32 to 26), but Democrats have bigger ones (13 out of the top 20). That's not the only place!
  

• Since the Democrats are obviously the party of Satan and brimstone, their foibles tend to be more your garden variety harassment and banging o' the mistress on the sly, while the party of Jesus Christ and moral superiority, the GOP, tends to suppress these unGodly tendencies by secretly trolling for young boys after Sunday mass when the pickin's good.
  

According to the study courtesy of Daily Beast, the 58 scandals were ranked using a methodology that includes whether a crime was committed, versus inappropriate behavior (tickle,tickle!); whether the charges were proven, versus alleged; the level of office held; and whether the incident involved children, staff, a cover-up or hypocrisy. The full breakdown of all the pillars of the elected community lucky enough to make the cut can be seen in this stunning, color slideshow of the Donkey & Elephant Sexual Hall of Shame.

Prostitution

Ah yes, this beautiful category of pay-as-you-go fulfillment combines both those who solicited a prostitute, but for whatever reason did not accept—think "Wide Stance" Larry Craig in the airport men's room—and those who dove in head first before getting caught hook, line, and sinker—think Louisiana Sen. David Vitter's own lovely lapse into the seedy (but satisfying!) world of the DC Madam. By a count of 6 to 1, the Grand Old Prostitute-lovin' Party can claim a much needed, lopsided victory over rival Dems. This ain't your grandmother's Elephant, no more!

Winner: Solidly Republican (6-1)

Staffers

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and if you're a Democrat (especially by the name of Eric Massa), keep 'em piled high, in a constant stream, and as close as is humanly possible, preferably, while unable to breathe thanks to the infamous fast-flying fingers of New York's own sodium-saturated, sassy snorkeler. Democrats win this one, fingers, err, hands down, by a count of 16 to 5. Who said Donkeys didn't know how to have fun?

Winner: Solidly Democrat (16-5)

Hypocrisy

Saying one thing while doing the exact opposite rears its ugly head in almost half the sex scandals surveyed. But only one party can claim this noble act as its bread and butter, its joie de vivre, the trademark quality by which to distinguish it from the rest, everybody's favorite Party of No (but secretly yes), the one, the only, off-the-hook, hip-hop party of youth (or just old people), the fabulous Republican Party. Think pro-choice GOP (apparently, they do exist), womens' rights warrior, and 10-time sexual harassment superstar Sen. Robert Packwood (and he means it!) or any one of the number of good, old fashioned GOPers whose primetime pantsdown meltdown is followed by the statement, "I am not, nor have I ever been gay." This is usually a big red flag, or as the case may be, a decidedly rainbow one.

Winner: Solidly Republican (16-9)

Sexual Harassment

When it comes to threats, emails, text messages, and all other preferred modes of sexually harassing the sweet li'l power suit sportin' muffins lookin' so irresistible working 'round the office, the distinguished gentleman on the left side of the aisle take the cake (and the icing!) on this one. It's practically a Democratic tradition! Yay??

Winner: Solidly Democrat (8-2)

Inappropriate Conduct with a Minor

Everyone makes mistakes. When you're a House Republican from Florida, these usually come in the form of sexually suggestive instant messages to underage teenage boys working as congressional pages. Like Republican Congressman Mark Foley, who in 2006, honored his oath of elected office by soliciting sex (and not just any sex, but terrible gay sex) from young, smooth chaps with tanned legs and the misfortune of working for the one Republican Representative, who if all goes well, will be the one doing the "working over" in no time at all. Brings new meaning to the phrase resume booster.

Winner: Leans Republican (2 to 1)

Out-of-Wedlock Child

Not even the valiant efforts of fallen Southern gentleman Johnny Edwards, his sweet love bunny Rielle and the new li'l fruit of their loins, Quinn, could help the Dems out-screw their Republican rivals when it comes to surprise buns in-the-other-woman's oven. Get 'em next time, Johnny!?

Winner: Leans Republicans (2 to 1)

Cover-up

One of the more exciting developments in many a sordid sex tale is all the behind-the-scenes wrangling that goes into covering up these "youthful indiscretions," traditionally in the form of hush money to keep the missus quiet, extorting favors, jobs, and assorted other goodies from the unfortunate philanderer-in-question, and any other perks you can squeeze from the dumb schmuck in his post-coitus panic. Think Nevada's own Republican Sen. John Ensign, whose own moral superiority over that 'nasty, nasty boy' Bill Clinton, comes with a cool $96,000 upfront to keep it that way.

Winner: Republicans (5-2)

So, what does all this middle-aged sex (not to be confused with love) mean for the average American citizen like you and me?

Like harassment, interns, little girls?? Vote Democrat!

Prostitutes, hypocrisy, and under aged boys more your thing?? Vote Republican!

Either way, you're still doing waaaaay better than the Catholic Church!

Oooh, Chairman, Don't Be Modest!

Salty, Straight Rep. Eric Massa Doesn't Enjoy Steamy Showers With "Satan's Spawn" Rahm Emanuel

Salty sailor and socialist sex monster Rep. Eric Massa is finally setting the record straight (ha ha, straight) on his whole real cancer/gay cancer resignation scandal that sent shock waves across the world Page Six of the New York Post.

Turns out, New York's own Eric Massa is a totally normal, red-blooded, fiercely heterosexual American man having fun at a wedding, gettin' George W. Bush level wasted from fifteen gin & tonics and—like any straight guy would—saying he wanted to bang a male staffer, and suddenly the uptight Democrats are trying to push the guy out of the House for being all gay and weird and possibly casting the deciding vote that would kill health care reform.

Luckily, the dedicated journalists and free speech activists over at Fox News have wised up to Democratic tricks like smearing their obviously homosexual fellow DEMONcrat and health care salt-in-the-wound Eric Massa as homosexual, after saying some massively gay thing to another male, making said male most uncomfortable.

Ooooh, this one has Pulitzer written all over it. Yay, Fox!

"I was with my wife. And in fact we had a great time. She got the stomach flu," he said.

Massa said he had just gotten up to sing "Auld Lang Syne" (some weird Scottish tune) and had finished dancing with the bride and bridesmaid — in full view of cameras — when he sat back down at a table with male staff members. That’s when he made the "inappropriate" remark.

"One of them looked at me and, as they would do after, I don't know, 15 gin and tonics, and goodness only knows how many bottles of champagne, a staff member made an intonation to me that maybe I should be chasing after the bridesmaid, and his points were clear and his words were far more colorful than that.

"And I grabbed the staff member sitting next to me and said, 'Well, what I really ought to be doing is fracking you,'" he said.

"And then [I] tousled the guy’s hair and left, went to my room, because I knew the party was getting to a point where it wasn’t right for me to be there. Now was that inappropriate of me? Absolutely. Am I guilty? Yes."

OMG, can you believe these terrible Democrats and their McCarthy witch hunt? I mean what totally, 100% straight male doesn't throw back a few brewskies and immediately start grabbing the nearest hot piece of man tail available?

It is like the Dems were looking for something, anything, to get rid of the salty sailor who loves dick (not Cheney) but hates any reform that is less than a full-scale government takeover of health care.

And all it took was one "salty" drunken comment for the Democratic "forces that be" to "orchestrate a character assassination" to push dear Massa out of the House of Representatives and prevent him from shattering the hopes of affordable, quality health care for those schlubs without the luxury of having the prefixes Sen. or Rep. attached to their name.

"Mine is now the deciding vote on the health care bill and this administration and this House leadership have said, quote-unquote, they will stop at nothing to pass this health care bill, and now they've gotten rid of me and it will pass. You connect the dots," Massa said.

"The future of the Democratic Party rests on passing this health care bill. They can get anyone to say anything about me concerning anything at all and in fact they did."

It's not that hard when you're a randy former seaman with a sharp tongue and a history of wholly inappropriate conduct especially when it involves crude slangs for "doin' the nasty."

But with all this Eric Massa news, and so many claims of naked penis sightings between him, Rahm Emanuel, Glenn Beck, a male staffer at a wedding and in the Congressional Showers, it's hard to keep track of which ding-a-ling belongs to which strapping, male owner.

Luckily, there's the innocent victim himself to tell us the real truth about this democratic "witch hunt" to oust him from power.

Of course, like all problems in society, the source of this evil plot against Rep. Massa comes from notorious pitbull and hater of retarded people, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, the most terrible, evil, n'er do well since that good-for-nothin' NObama stole the election and illegally claimed the White House.

"Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil's spawn," Massa said on his radio show. "He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote. He would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive."

Oooooh, sounds sexy! Go on??

Rahm also had the nerve to visit New York's 29th back when he was head of the DCCC to "inspect" this not-at-all-gay Navy monster and tell him to ease up with the whole raging, red-faced anger ball routine, saying, "I don't want you on T.V. tonight to be angry. Just take it down a notch."

The nerve of that terrible battering Rahm, offering advice to help a fellow Democrat actually win the House seat, which he lost, in his first run. Ooops!

But that's not it! Massa also described a heated exchange he had with a naked, now-White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel years later in the House gym, where the shower curtains had 'inexplicably' been removed. Hmmm, whatever you say Massa.

"I'm ... naked as a jay bird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn't going to vote for the president's budget," Massa said. "Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?"

But, also how oddly arousing...

Of course, actual sex with a naked man is a whole other animal. Likely a prize-winning stallion with a very large package ego, known to most as Rahm Emanuel. But you can just call him Rahmbo!

Salty New York Rep. Eric Massa Resigns Due To Either Real Cancer Or Gay Cancer

Uh-Oh, another one bites the dust.

Now, normally when you hear a congressman has decided to call it quits amid a sordid sex scandal, one naturally assumes that for a Republican this likely means a little same-sex monkey business, while for a Democrat, more likely than not it involves the good kind of infidelity, namely the non-gay kind.

Not so, my friends!

Thanks to Rep. Eric Massa (D-N.Y.), this blanket stereotype just won't do anymore! Or will it??

Turns out, the freshman Representative will not seek re-election, after only one term in office in light of allegations that the congressman, who is married with two children, "sexually harassed a male staffer."

Which is crazy because everyone knows Massa is one of the most liberal Congressman, which means it was already basically public record that this guy loooves gays and poors. The dude even wants a single-payer health care for Christ's sake, which is the kind when white people are all rounded up by Obama's death squads and sent to the gulag where they will be randomly experimented on before being disposed of in the least cost-effective way possible.

But apparently, not everyone is sold on the "whole harassed a male staffer" thing being reported by Politico, with another source, CQ Politics, saying that Massa is "is leaving because of a recurrence of cancer."

Well, which one is it, cancer or gay?

Massa denied that any allegations of misconduct have been brought against him, saying, "When someone makes a decision to leave Congress, everybody says everything. I have health issues. I'll talk about it [later]."

Massa explained that he'd been hospitalized in December with a third "cancer scare," admitting he'd withheld this information from his staff.

"I kept this private, and I told only members of my immediate family. I did not tell my staff," Massa said.

With rumors of his gayness swirling, Massa blasted the press, calling the reports" unsubstantiated without fact or backing" and "a symptom of what's wrong with this city."

"Do I or have I ever used salty language especially when I'm angry, in the privacy of my inner office or at home? Yes I have and I've apologized where it's appropriate," Massa explained.

"I made my statement. The allegations are totally false. I'm a salty old sailor. That's that," Massa said.

Of course, aside from high sodium levels, the former U.S. Navy officer did suffer from non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma while serving as the Special Assistant to NATO Commander General Wesley Clark during the Bosnian conflict, but returned to the U.S. to undergo treatment, survived, and was thought to be completely cured.

Of cancer that is. The gay must have come back.

But either way Massa won't be back for a second term, instead taking time to fight whatever disease is currently rampaging through his body.

Cancer, gay, I mean, is there really a difference? At a certain point, aren't we just splitting hairs here?