Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, Who's The Biggest Beltway Whore Of All?

With the Grand Old Party of family values and straight, missionary-style sex only, feelin' the burning red heat over the latest Republican donor scandal involving the usual multi-thousand dollar spending sprees at various, upscale bondage-themed Lezzy clubs, the real question on everyone's mind is which of our esteemed two political parties (of honor, integrity, and raging hormones) really has the harder time keeping their hoohas and weewees in their respective, freshly pressed skirts and/or pleated trousers?

So many sex scandals sullying so many districts in so little time makes the showdown for sexual supremacy a challenging one! But once the pants are zipped, shirts buttoned, romp-tousled hair combed slick, and numbers all tallied, where do our honorable elected officials stack up? And which side of the congressional aisle comes out as the dominant top, and which the submissive bottom, who goes home alone and unfulfilled to nothing but pot roast and the nagging wifey of 25-plus years?

Strap on your safety belts, ladies and gentleman, it's gonna be a wild ride through the last two dripping wet decades of unbridled lust, unchecked libidos, repressed sexuality, deep denial, spurned spouses, secret baby daddys, sordid same-sex solicitations, torrid trysts, rough 'n tumble role-playing rendezvous, boring, by-the-book harassment, and enough middle-of-the-night monkey business to keep any red-blooded American locked, loaded, and ready to rock.

And what better way to beat the winter blues and usher in bountiful spring than fresh off the heels of March Madness in the form of Salt Lake City skinny dips featuring Utah State Senate Republican majority leader Kevin Garn, underage 15-year-old gal, a hot tub and $150,000 in hush money, Salty Sailor and Big Apple Democrat "Tickle Me Eric" Massa's hands-on approach to young male staffers, and of course California State Senator and conservative, vehemently anti-gay crusader Roy Ashburn doing some drunken cruising of his own at just about every Southern California bar sporting a neon rainbow sign flashing on its marquee.

So, after examining the 58 scandals (that's it?) over the past 20 years involving all politicians or major candidates for city mayor or above--involving crimes, allegations, or just the usual tabloid fodder we Americans love so much--what overarching conclusions (if any) can be reached, aside from the obvious hearty libidos of our nation's lawmakers and leaders?
  • The number of sex scandals has increased dramatically over the past few decades, thanks to technology, new press standards and a post-Clinton belief that everything is fair game.
    (Including soiled dresses and all the fun things you can do with a cigar!)
  • Based on the methodology used, Republicans have more scandals (32 to 26), but Democrats have bigger ones (13 out of the top 20). That's not the only place!
  • Since the Democrats are obviously the party of Satan and brimstone, their foibles tend to be more your garden variety harassment and banging o' the mistress on the sly, while the party of Jesus Christ and moral superiority, the GOP, tends to suppress these unGodly tendencies by secretly trolling for young boys after Sunday mass when the pickin's good.

According to the study courtesy of Daily Beast, the 58 scandals were ranked using a methodology that includes whether a crime was committed, versus inappropriate behavior (tickle,tickle!); whether the charges were proven, versus alleged; the level of office held; and whether the incident involved children, staff, a cover-up or hypocrisy. The full breakdown of all the pillars of the elected community lucky enough to make the cut can be seen in this stunning, color slideshow of the Donkey & Elephant Sexual Hall of Shame.


Ah yes, this beautiful category of pay-as-you-go fulfillment combines both those who solicited a prostitute, but for whatever reason did not accept—think "Wide Stance" Larry Craig in the airport men's room—and those who dove in head first before getting caught hook, line, and sinker—think Louisiana Sen. David Vitter's own lovely lapse into the seedy (but satisfying!) world of the DC Madam. By a count of 6 to 1, the Grand Old Prostitute-lovin' Party can claim a much needed, lopsided victory over rival Dems. This ain't your grandmother's Elephant, no more!

Winner: Solidly Republican (6-1)


Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and if you're a Democrat (especially by the name of Eric Massa), keep 'em piled high, in a constant stream, and as close as is humanly possible, preferably, while unable to breathe thanks to the infamous fast-flying fingers of New York's own sodium-saturated, sassy snorkeler. Democrats win this one, fingers, err, hands down, by a count of 16 to 5. Who said Donkeys didn't know how to have fun?

Winner: Solidly Democrat (16-5)


Saying one thing while doing the exact opposite rears its ugly head in almost half the sex scandals surveyed. But only one party can claim this noble act as its bread and butter, its joie de vivre, the trademark quality by which to distinguish it from the rest, everybody's favorite Party of No (but secretly yes), the one, the only, off-the-hook, hip-hop party of youth (or just old people), the fabulous Republican Party. Think pro-choice GOP (apparently, they do exist), womens' rights warrior, and 10-time sexual harassment superstar Sen. Robert Packwood (and he means it!) or any one of the number of good, old fashioned GOPers whose primetime pantsdown meltdown is followed by the statement, "I am not, nor have I ever been gay." This is usually a big red flag, or as the case may be, a decidedly rainbow one.

Winner: Solidly Republican (16-9)

Sexual Harassment

When it comes to threats, emails, text messages, and all other preferred modes of sexually harassing the sweet li'l power suit sportin' muffins lookin' so irresistible working 'round the office, the distinguished gentleman on the left side of the aisle take the cake (and the icing!) on this one. It's practically a Democratic tradition! Yay??

Winner: Solidly Democrat (8-2)

Inappropriate Conduct with a Minor

Everyone makes mistakes. When you're a House Republican from Florida, these usually come in the form of sexually suggestive instant messages to underage teenage boys working as congressional pages. Like Republican Congressman Mark Foley, who in 2006, honored his oath of elected office by soliciting sex (and not just any sex, but terrible gay sex) from young, smooth chaps with tanned legs and the misfortune of working for the one Republican Representative, who if all goes well, will be the one doing the "working over" in no time at all. Brings new meaning to the phrase resume booster.

Winner: Leans Republican (2 to 1)

Out-of-Wedlock Child

Not even the valiant efforts of fallen Southern gentleman Johnny Edwards, his sweet love bunny Rielle and the new li'l fruit of their loins, Quinn, could help the Dems out-screw their Republican rivals when it comes to surprise buns in-the-other-woman's oven. Get 'em next time, Johnny!?

Winner: Leans Republicans (2 to 1)


One of the more exciting developments in many a sordid sex tale is all the behind-the-scenes wrangling that goes into covering up these "youthful indiscretions," traditionally in the form of hush money to keep the missus quiet, extorting favors, jobs, and assorted other goodies from the unfortunate philanderer-in-question, and any other perks you can squeeze from the dumb schmuck in his post-coitus panic. Think Nevada's own Republican Sen. John Ensign, whose own moral superiority over that 'nasty, nasty boy' Bill Clinton, comes with a cool $96,000 upfront to keep it that way.

Winner: Republicans (5-2)

So, what does all this middle-aged sex (not to be confused with love) mean for the average American citizen like you and me?

Like harassment, interns, little girls?? Vote Democrat!

Prostitutes, hypocrisy, and under aged boys more your thing?? Vote Republican!

Either way, you're still doing waaaaay better than the Catholic Church!

Oooh, Chairman, Don't Be Modest!

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