Like A Fine Wine, Rick Perry's Complex Nutty Tones Ripen With Age

Texas Two-Step: Right, Righter, Rightest

Everything's bigger in Texas, including the level of insanity in this year's GOP primary, with incumbent Governor and current beautifully-coiffed captain of the runaway Republican crazy train Rick Perry locked in a bloody battle against boring, old, Socialist health care lovin' Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson and surprise, new spicy teabag o' freedom, certifiable lunatic Debra Medina, who is in no way a dirty Mexican like her name would suggest. In fact, she'd like to round up the whole smelly lot and ship 'em off somewhere terrible like the Godless North.

Sure, no one has a job, health care, or even four walls and roof to call their own, but here in the great state of Texas, residents care about important, everyday things like seceding the hell out of this terrible Union, keeping creationism in our schools (none of that crazy monkey theory!), and of course figuring out which evil conspirator, be it gay, Jew, or public servant, is really responsible for the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

Ah yes, the furious fight for the future of the Grand Old Party in Grand Old Texas is quickly turning into a spectacle of Jerry Springer proportion, with Perry, Hutchinson, and Medusa Medina battling it out in a no-holds barred battle between the dapper, well-groomed far-right, the boring, sensible center-right, and the crackhead Wingnut-right, respectively, for the oversized heart of the confederacy, the one and only Republic of Texas.

But when the dust settles and the blazing sun sinks low on the horizon, which of these contenders will rise in glorious victory to become the next double-sized, extra thick toast of Texas?

Front-runner, incumbent Gov. Slick Rick Perry is already the longest-serving governor in Texas history, having inherited the post as a goodbye gift from that other Texas stud George W. Bush after he was democratically elected(?) to bring his savvy brand of law and order (like executing retarded people) to the cesspool of liberalism and homosexuality known as mainland U.S.A.

Of course, Perry wasn't always riding high atop the decaffeinated, spice 'n herb wave of hysteria sweeping across the Texas Plains. In fact, he was actually losing to his bleeding-heart rival Kay Bailey Hutchinson before cementing his status as the new folk hero of the right by flirting with such fan favorites as scramming the hell out of this God-awful union and ensuring the good Lone Star boys 'n gals continue to set the standard in education with their sound, scientific belief that "humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time" and healthy skepticism of such liberal hullabaloo as "humans developed from earlier species." (Unless of course 'humans' really means women and 'earlier species' is another way of saying Adam's rib).

Which brings us to Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson, whose fiscal conservatism coupled with a centrist approach to social issues like abortion, helped make her among the most popular political figures in the state. That is, until the great Tea Revolution of 2008, when throngs of uneducated men and women wearing 'Jesus Saves' t-shirts collectively lost their minds over the ominous black takeover of the once-pure White House, and Miss Kay Bailey suddenly found herself as electable as a homo-friendly, Christ-killing, Jewish cowboy singer-gone-Independent by the name of Kinky Friedman.

Despite endorsements from such conservative Lone Star luminaries as George and Barbara Bush and former Vice President Dick Cheney (kiss of death?), the 66-year-old senior senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson's fate as an elite Washington insider with wacky new-age ideas like a woman's right to choose and the evolution of man was effectively sealed, along with any and all chance of moving into the Governor's mansion.

Then, there is dark horse teabag darling, nurse-turned-nut, Debra Medina, whose gun-crazed, Jesus-obsessed, bloody secessionist war-cryin', anti-government, immigrant, gay, and non-white male hostile rhetoric enabled her to slip into the tiny vacuum that existed to Perry's right.

Of course, the fact that the woman is clinically insane and proudly aligns herself with 9/11 Truthers, Dentist-Realtor-Attorney Orly Taitz's Birthers crew, and the freakshow Oath Keepers is no problem to the good ol' boys in Texas. Until she made the unforgivable mistake of finding herself on the wrong side of Glenn Beck's good graces during an on-air confrontation and thus on the wrong side of Right.

The Right side of which just so happens to come in the form of the only non-elitist, Washington outsider INCUMBENT governor Rick "Yes, you can be conservative and metrosexual" Perry, whose fearless re-election crusade against the federal government's "oppressive interference with the affairs of our state" apparently does not include the roughly $67 billion (or 37 percent of all Texas state funds) that actually come from said socialist federal government.

Only charismatic black comrade's-in-chief who somehow weaseled their skinny, illegal li'l behinds right to the top of it.

Much like the first War of Northern Aggression.