Secret RNC FUNdraising PowerPoint Features Cool Cartoons, Contempt For Constituents

Ummm yeah, this is getting slightly awkward. I mean, it's one thing to accuse the GOP of employing their usual three-pronged strategy of lying, manipulating and deceiving their way into power. But, much like Obama's illegal takeover of America, without definitive proof like an actual Kenyan birth certificate, such suspicions are forced to remain just that: suspicions.

It is quite another, however, to actually find said playbook full of secret, evil GOP strategies that have been glaringly obvious to anyone with half a brain who's watched at least a half-second of any news coverage at any point in the last oh, half century or so. Minus the Cruella DeVille and Scooby Doo imagery, which in all fairness to the creative ingenuity of the GOP, had not been considered as effective political propaganda by average Americans. Until now, that is.

Yes, the holy grail of Republican fundraising has finally been unearthed--all 72 neat, colorful PowerPoint pages for your viewing pleasure, America. Hooray!

The Republican National Committee plans to raise money this election cycle through an aggressive campaign capitalizing on "fear" of President Barack Obama and a promise to "save the country from trending toward socialism."

The strategy was detailed in a confidential party fundraising presentation, obtained by POLITICO, which also outlines how "ego-driven" wealthy donors can be tapped with offers of access and "tchochkes."

Wow, OMG, did you know that you can entice wealthy businessmen and other elite, arugula eating wealthy types to cut you a handsome check for little more than promises of tacky trinkets and cheap souvenirs with a weird Eastern European name from the airport duty free shop?? It's true!

But that's not it folks!

The presentation explains the Republican fundraising in simple terms.

"What can you sell when you do not have the White House, the House, or the Senate...?" it asks.

The answer: "Save the country from trending toward Socialism!”

SOCIALISM, ARGGGHHHH!! Smithers, fetch me my checkbook at once! Don't dither! This Socialist beast Barry must be stopped before it's too late! ARGGGHHH!!

The presentation was delivered by RNC Finance Director Rob Bickhart to top donors and fundraisers at a party retreat in Boca Grande, Florida on February 18, a source at the gathering said.

In neat PowerPoint pages, it lifts the curtain on the often-cynical terms of political marketing, displaying an air of disdain for the party’s donors that is usually confined to the barroom conversations of political operatives.

In other words, the GOP would like to extend their deepest gratitude for your support, now get the hell out of their face before they call the police to come move it for you, got it, asshole?

Manipulating donors with crude caricatures and playing on their fears is hardly unique to Republicans or to the RNC – Democrats raised millions of George W. Bush in similar terms – but rarely is it practiced in such cartoonish terms.

One page, headed “The Evil Empire,” pictures Obama as the Joker from Batman, while House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leaders Harry Reid are depicted as Cruella DeVille and Scooby Doo, respectively.

Awww snap! The GOP ain't playing, yo! Straight up disrespectin' Cartoon Network style. For reals!

The most unusual section of the presentation is a set of six slides headed "RNC Marketing 101," which divides fundraising into two traditional categories, direct marketing and major donors, and lays out the details of how to approach each group.

The small donors who are the targets of direct marketing are described under the heading "Visceral Giving." Their motivations are listed as "fear," "Extreme negative feelings toward existing Administration," and "Reactionary."

Major donors, by contrast, are treated in a column headed "Calculated Giving." Their motivations include: "Peer to Peer Pressure," "access," and "Ego-Driven."

The slide also allows that donors may have more honorable motives, including "Patriotic Duty."

Hahaha, that's rich! People actually giving to the Republican Party out of the goodness of their heart?? HAHAHAHAHA, stop, I c-c-c-an't b-b-b-reathe!

Of course, such a terrible, manipulative fundraising document preying on people's baser instincts has absolutely NOTHING to do with big-pimpin' Michael Steele, who as Chairman of the Republican National Committee, has struggled to retain the "trust and allegiance of major donors," or the respect of well, basically anyone with a working brain, for that matter.

"The document was used for a fundraising presentation Chairman Steele did not attend, nor had he seen the document," RNC Communications Director Doug Heye said in an email. "Fundraising documents are often controversial..."

Much like off-the-hook, balls of Steele Chairmen.

"Obviously, the Chairman disagrees with the language and finds the use of such imagery to be unacceptable. It will not be used by the Republican National Committee – in any capacity – in the future," Heye said.

He promises. Cross his heart and hope to die promises! Like there will even be a future by the time Michael Steele gets done with 'em.

Besides, no need to get all worked up, the RNC was just "Putting the Fun Back in FUNdraising."

Like "Putting the Public back in RePUBLICan. Ha ha, psyche!

Everyone knows they're poor and gross.