Michael Steele Bravely Cracks The Whip, Firing Two RNC Scapegoats For His S&M Sexytime Fun

Is Michael Eyeing Another Prime Chance To Screw His Party?

Perpetual butt of late night talk shows and even-later night scandals involving lesbian bondage clubs, big pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael Steele has finally stepped up and taken responsibility for the Republican Party's reckless, sexytime spending sprees at various, upscale lezzy S&M clubs, if by "stepping up," you mean fired the dickens out of his finance director and deputy finance director. The latest two hapless sods to find themselves without jobs, but plenty of sweet-ass memories of wild weekends past to commemorate their time as RNC bigwigs.

Which is great news because this means Michael Steele can continue his full-time job simultaneously humiliating and destroying the Grand Old Party of wealthy, sex-crazed white men who don't much care for charming, competent half-black presidents. Hooray!

The RNC's Superman 'o Steele asked for the resignations of both the organization's finance director, Rob Bickhart, and his deputy finance director, Debbie LeHardy, so that America's Number One accidental comedian can continue to wreak havoc on his favoritest, off the hook, hip-hop Party of Youth, and still provide hilarious jokes for the rest of us.

In a statement, Steele's newest, soon-to-also-be-fired, Chief of Staff Michael Leavitt said: "While we appreciate their service to the RNC and wish them well in future endeavors, the Chairman felt it was important to restructure the department in order to continue to improve on our strong fundraising numbers."

Which, as it turns out, have actually been as strong as "Steele", if that steel has been melted, bent, dissected, and neglected long enough to turn its illustrious sheen into perfectly corroded rust.

Thanks to their high rollin' Chairman's savvy finance skills, including dropping stacks o' Benjies at hot, faux lesbo nightclubs, private jets, limousines, lavish hotels, shopping sprees at upscale boutiques for clothes, liquor, and other run-of-the-mill "office supplies," and of course, their brilliant, race-baiting cartoon slideshow, using fear and prejudice to attract donors, the Grand Old Party has managed to isolate just about every deep pocketed Republican, not bed-ridden or dementia-ravaged.

In fact, according to the latest disclosure reports, the RNC has raised $121 million for the 2010 cycle, but spent $125 million, which gives it a grand total of $11 million cash-on-hand. The DNC, on the other hand, has raised less, $114 million, but also spent less, $105 million, leaving it with $15 million in the bank. Which we can only assume will go not to late night field trips stuffing cash down strippers' panties, but electing actual Democrats to Congress, and other esteemed political positions that don't involve dancing around a poll.

But, fear not Republicans, because Leavitt expressed confidence that the latest (but probably not last!) shakeup at the RNC will only strengthen the Party's election effort in the fall.

"We are well positioned for victory this fall and this addition to the team will only help us to provide the necessary resources to defeat Democrats across the country," he said.

Like chains and whips?

But, hopefully, this time they'll be the one's doing the whipping, instead of staying stuck in their other favorite position: down on all fours, gagged, bound, blindfolded, and begging for more...chances to humiliate themselves on a national scale.

What Bends But Doesn't Break? Michael Steele After A Big GOP Sexytime Scandal!

Yo, yo America, it's your big pimpin', off-the-hook RNC Chairman of youth, Michael Steele comin' at ya live after this not-so-fly week involving me, some GOP peeps, and a couple stacks of Benjies bein' tossed around some bondage-themed Lezzy clubs. Holla back y'all!

Well, turns out not everyone in the hip hop Grand Old Party of Da Streets is down with all this donor S&M sexytime. Wassup wit dat?

"Republican National Committee chief of staff Ken McKay has resigned in the wake of a controversy over an expenditure at a risque California nightclub," RNC communications director Doug Heye said.

Awww, that's whack, yo!

Oh, suddenly, big donors don't want to spend the scrilla so Michael Steele can get bound, gagged, and whipped by a leather clad dominatrix named Destiny, who also shares a deep fear of big (black) government, and affordable, quality health care for all those who don't spend their evenings getting money stuffed in their panties while swinging 'round a poll.

Any way you slice it, the RNC is facing some serious sh*t right now. Fat cat donors are scramming left and right, and Republicans are scrambling for a way to keep the money rolling without resorting to their usual playbook of intelligence-insulting racist cartoons, billboards of hate, and/or late-night misadventures featuring two girls one pole.

But the RNC doesn't want to fire its first black chairman before the election, because then they might lose the black vote!

Ha ha. Just playin'! Michael Steele is GOP-for-life, for reals, yo!

"The members of the Republican National Committee entrusted myself and every staffer to lead the loyal opposition against the destructive Obama agenda, build a stronger Republican party and win elections. This is a role I take with the utmost seriousness. With this in mind, I want to do everything in my power to ensure that the committee uses all its resources in the best possible fashion," Steele said.

Throw your hands up if ya wit me! For all those whose hands are leather bound behind their back by faux lesbo strippers, feel free to give the Steele baby a shout-out instead!

Can I get a tort reform, small government, lower taxes, what what!?!

Asked whether being an African American gave him a "slimmer margin of error" than another chairman might have, Steele said:

"The honest answer is 'yes.' It just is. Barack Obama has a slimmer margin. We all -- a lot of folks do. It's a different role for me to play and others to play, and that's just the reality of it. But you take that as part of the nature of it."

See, ain't nothin' wrong with a little role-playing now and then to ease the mind. Helps keep the flava fresh!

Apparently not to boring White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, who called Steele's comment on race "silly," and said, "I think Michael Steele's problem isn't the race card, it's the credit card."

Eh, that or the RNC's (whore) house of cards.

Whatever, dog. That's why Mr. 'Balls Of" Steele prefers to roll the old school way: straight up, cold hard cash, baby! Dolla dolla bills, y'all!

Secret RNC FUNdraising PowerPoint Features Cool Cartoons, Contempt For Constituents

Ummm yeah, this is getting slightly awkward. I mean, it's one thing to accuse the GOP of employing their usual three-pronged strategy of lying, manipulating and deceiving their way into power. But, much like Obama's illegal takeover of America, without definitive proof like an actual Kenyan birth certificate, such suspicions are forced to remain just that: suspicions.

It is quite another, however, to actually find said playbook full of secret, evil GOP strategies that have been glaringly obvious to anyone with half a brain who's watched at least a half-second of any news coverage at any point in the last oh, half century or so. Minus the Cruella DeVille and Scooby Doo imagery, which in all fairness to the creative ingenuity of the GOP, had not been considered as effective political propaganda by average Americans. Until now, that is.

Yes, the holy grail of Republican fundraising has finally been unearthed--all 72 neat, colorful PowerPoint pages for your viewing pleasure, America. Hooray!

The Republican National Committee plans to raise money this election cycle through an aggressive campaign capitalizing on "fear" of President Barack Obama and a promise to "save the country from trending toward socialism."

The strategy was detailed in a confidential party fundraising presentation, obtained by POLITICO, which also outlines how "ego-driven" wealthy donors can be tapped with offers of access and "tchochkes."

Wow, OMG, did you know that you can entice wealthy businessmen and other elite, arugula eating wealthy types to cut you a handsome check for little more than promises of tacky trinkets and cheap souvenirs with a weird Eastern European name from the airport duty free shop?? It's true!

But that's not it folks!

The presentation explains the Republican fundraising in simple terms.

"What can you sell when you do not have the White House, the House, or the Senate...?" it asks.

The answer: "Save the country from trending toward Socialism!”

SOCIALISM, ARGGGHHHH!! Smithers, fetch me my checkbook at once! Don't dither! This Socialist beast Barry must be stopped before it's too late! ARGGGHHH!!

The presentation was delivered by RNC Finance Director Rob Bickhart to top donors and fundraisers at a party retreat in Boca Grande, Florida on February 18, a source at the gathering said.

In neat PowerPoint pages, it lifts the curtain on the often-cynical terms of political marketing, displaying an air of disdain for the party’s donors that is usually confined to the barroom conversations of political operatives.

In other words, the GOP would like to extend their deepest gratitude for your support, now get the hell out of their face before they call the police to come move it for you, got it, asshole?

Manipulating donors with crude caricatures and playing on their fears is hardly unique to Republicans or to the RNC – Democrats raised millions of George W. Bush in similar terms – but rarely is it practiced in such cartoonish terms.

One page, headed “The Evil Empire,” pictures Obama as the Joker from Batman, while House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leaders Harry Reid are depicted as Cruella DeVille and Scooby Doo, respectively.

Awww snap! The GOP ain't playing, yo! Straight up disrespectin' Cartoon Network style. For reals!

The most unusual section of the presentation is a set of six slides headed "RNC Marketing 101," which divides fundraising into two traditional categories, direct marketing and major donors, and lays out the details of how to approach each group.

The small donors who are the targets of direct marketing are described under the heading "Visceral Giving." Their motivations are listed as "fear," "Extreme negative feelings toward existing Administration," and "Reactionary."

Major donors, by contrast, are treated in a column headed "Calculated Giving." Their motivations include: "Peer to Peer Pressure," "access," and "Ego-Driven."

The slide also allows that donors may have more honorable motives, including "Patriotic Duty."

Hahaha, that's rich! People actually giving to the Republican Party out of the goodness of their heart?? HAHAHAHAHA, stop, I c-c-c-an't b-b-b-reathe!

Of course, such a terrible, manipulative fundraising document preying on people's baser instincts has absolutely NOTHING to do with big-pimpin' Michael Steele, who as Chairman of the Republican National Committee, has struggled to retain the "trust and allegiance of major donors," or the respect of well, basically anyone with a working brain, for that matter.

"The document was used for a fundraising presentation Chairman Steele did not attend, nor had he seen the document," RNC Communications Director Doug Heye said in an email. "Fundraising documents are often controversial..."

Much like off-the-hook, balls of Steele Chairmen.

"Obviously, the Chairman disagrees with the language and finds the use of such imagery to be unacceptable. It will not be used by the Republican National Committee – in any capacity – in the future," Heye said.

He promises. Cross his heart and hope to die promises! Like there will even be a future by the time Michael Steele gets done with 'em.

Besides, no need to get all worked up, the RNC was just "Putting the Fun Back in FUNdraising."

Like "Putting the Public back in RePUBLICan. Ha ha, psyche!

Everyone knows they're poor and gross.

It's Not Stealing When Your Name is Michael Steele

Waaaasup peeps, it's big pimpin', off-the-hook chairman Michael Steele rolling all large and phat with his boyz in the Republican National Committee like the badass mofo that he is.

Only problem is, thanks to the big spendin' ways of Mr. Balls of Steele, the RNC is almost as broke as the rest of those pathetic weasels and miscreants trying to get Uncle Sam to pay for every silly life-saving procedure their little malfunctioning hearts desire.

Turns out, the Republican Party is raking in the dough...except of course for the part that Michael Steele runs. And a 2009 spending spree has left the Republican National Committee with its worst election-year cash flow this decade. That's whack, yo!

Thing is, when Michael Steele took over as the hippest chairman and dopest youth liaison to ever grace the Republican National Committee, the organization was ballin', with $22.8 million in cash and no debt. But ever since the Steele man started calling the shots, the RNC suddenly finds itself with only $8.7 million in the bank heading into a year with 37 governors’ races, a dozen major Senate races, and dozens more races in the House. What up wit dat!?

According to one RNC official: "It is very troubling, and the thing is, most people don’t understand this. But it is really troubling."

"They’re spending money at 2002 levels when they are not raising money at those levels,” said another GOP operative. "That kind of thing worked when RNC was awash in money, but you can't do that in this environment."

Apparently, idiocy only works for Republicans during bull markets.

"Steele's setting us far back with his comments and it needs to stop," one senior Senate aide said, adding that the RNC chairman was a "fool."

Good thing is there are plenty of people willing to "take care" of the (Michael Steele) problem--for a price. Of course, getting him to shut that big trap of his costs extra.

"He has made no progress in walking back the recent comments (about the GOP's inability to lead)...In fact, he dug the hole deeper by appearing unprepared and uneducated...Aides are collaborating with each other, both on and off the Hill, on ways to keep him quiet."

How hard can it be? Just give the dude something fun and sparkly to play with. That should keep him busy for the next couple of days or so. Or at least long enough to not destroy the party before the 2010 elections.

Then it's time for the Steele to shine. Or rust. Either way.

Holy Cow-on-the-Tracks! Wacky RNC Chairman Michael Steeles the Show

Thanks to the magical land of tubes known as the Internets, precious moments once relegated to a secret corner of the attic can now be enjoyed by any loser with a computer and a connection.

That means everyday schlubs like you and me can now enjoy once-hidden treasures like this hilarious photo album of endlessly entertaining RNC Chairman Michael Steele striking various wacky poses with his awesome interns. Off-the-hook yo!

I don't know about you but I, for one, can think of nothing more delightful than chillin' with the chairman of the Republican National Committee while he shows off his phat skillz connecting with today's hip-hop Republican youth. For fun!

HAHAHAHAHA, he's so cool and wacky, he can even make a whole album of goofy photos. We're talkin' fist-bumps, badass arm-crosses, headlocks, hilarious bald-head rubbing, the old point and laugh, crazy back-to-back action, wild peace sign flashin', fake marriage proposals, the classic flamingo pose, and some of the craziest impromptu open mouth moves this side of the Potomac.

Because anything can happen when you're a wild and wacky Republican intern who just so happens to have the coolest cow in the world as your boss. Moo, Motherf**kers, moo!

Republicans Concede Change; Grudgingly Elect First Black Chairman

Meet Michael Steele, New Boss Of Republicans

In case anyone actually cares, the Republicans have decided to drop the whole Klansman act and instead grudgingly join the rest of the 21st century in all its beautiful non-segregated glory.

It only took the maximum six ballots for former Maryland Lt. Gov. Michael Steele to become the first ever African-American chairman of the Republican National Committee, after narrowly defeating his lone remaining challenger, Katon Dawson, one of the dwindling few true GOP patriots who still play golf at a whites-only country club.

Republican committee members weren't happy about it but figured it was better to just go ahead and let the colored man win, than cause a big stink for picking their real choices, white supremacist Katon Dawson or the just-as-lovely Chip Saltsman, whose brainchild "Barack the Magic Negro" delighted us for hours.

So congratulations Mr. Steele. We're even willing to overlook the fact that Mike Tyson used to be your brother-in-law.

And bravo to the Republican Party for also making history. We're happy to have you, even if it is oh, a couple decades late.

Steele-Tough