Saturday, May 8, 2010
Michael Steele Bravely Cracks The Whip, Firing Two RNC Scapegoats For His S&M Sexytime Fun
Perpetual butt of late night talk shows and even-later night scandals involving lesbian bondage clubs, big pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael Steele has finally stepped up and taken responsibility for the Republican Party's reckless, sexytime spending sprees at various, upscale lezzy S&M clubs, if by "stepping up," you mean fired the dickens out of his finance director and deputy finance director. The latest two hapless sods to find themselves without jobs, but plenty of sweet-ass memories of wild weekends past to commemorate their time as RNC bigwigs.
Which is great news because this means Michael Steele can continue his full-time job simultaneously humiliating and destroying the Grand Old Party of wealthy, sex-crazed white men who don't much care for charming, competent half-black presidents. Hooray!
The RNC's Superman 'o Steele asked for the resignations of both the organization's finance director, Rob Bickhart, and his deputy finance director, Debbie LeHardy, so that America's Number One accidental comedian can continue to wreak havoc on his favoritest, off the hook, hip-hop Party of Youth, and still provide hilarious jokes for the rest of us.
In a statement, Steele's newest, soon-to-also-be-fired, Chief of Staff Michael Leavitt said: "While we appreciate their service to the RNC and wish them well in future endeavors, the Chairman felt it was important to restructure the department in order to continue to improve on our strong fundraising numbers."
Which, as it turns out, have actually been as strong as "Steele", if that steel has been melted, bent, dissected, and neglected long enough to turn its illustrious sheen into perfectly corroded rust.
Thanks to their high rollin' Chairman's savvy finance skills, including dropping stacks o' Benjies at hot, faux lesbo nightclubs, private jets, limousines, lavish hotels, shopping sprees at upscale boutiques for clothes, liquor, and other run-of-the-mill "office supplies," and of course, their brilliant, race-baiting cartoon slideshow, using fear and prejudice to attract donors, the Grand Old Party has managed to isolate just about every deep pocketed Republican, not bed-ridden or dementia-ravaged.
In fact, according to the latest disclosure reports, the RNC has raised $121 million for the 2010 cycle, but spent $125 million, which gives it a grand total of $11 million cash-on-hand. The DNC, on the other hand, has raised less, $114 million, but also spent less, $105 million, leaving it with $15 million in the bank. Which we can only assume will go not to late night field trips stuffing cash down strippers' panties, but electing actual Democrats to Congress, and other esteemed political positions that don't involve dancing around a poll.
But, fear not Republicans, because Leavitt expressed confidence that the latest (but probably not last!) shakeup at the RNC will only strengthen the Party's election effort in the fall.
"We are well positioned for victory this fall and this addition to the team will only help us to provide the necessary resources to defeat Democrats across the country," he said.
Like chains and whips?
But, hopefully, this time they'll be the one's doing the whipping, instead of staying stuck in their other favorite position: down on all fours, gagged, bound, blindfolded, and begging for more...chances to humiliate themselves on a national scale.