Lovable amphibian-named pinnacle of reason and truth, Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich will say and do just about anything to get someone, anyone, to pay attention to what he, a thrice-married, twice divorced, multi-adulterous, washed-up former Republican Speaker of the House has to say about the current state of things, here in NObama's America, if you can even call this Socialist, Nazi hellhole America anymore.
You see, Newt has kept himself quite busy since his unceremonious resignation from his House seat and Speaker role over a DECADE ago, when thanks to his savvy leadership and smart policies of "Hell No!" and "Bill Clinton Die!" (while secretly sticking it to his own li'l office muffin), Republicans began hemorrhaging seats right, left, and every which way, and Newt was kindly asked to scram his hypocritical, enormous behind the hell out of Washington, DC.
But you betcha Newt has surely been doing very important things since his humiliating defeat way back in 1998, when Congress was charged with the critical national security task of figuring out all the mysterious things a Democratic president can do with a Cuban cigar, a certain intern ladies' hooha, and a few minutes of spare time.
Very important things like heading a health care lobbying firm to make sure the gross poors die in the streets where they belong, not nice, warm hospitals for decent, hardworking Americans who don't push their houses around in a grocery cart, whoring himself out to oil companies as their affable, white-haired spokesbaby to “Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less," and all those other awesome undersea adventures that happen when lining your nation's coastlines with offshore oil rigs no one checks or regulates because that doesn't help Newt get richer, baby richer!
But, on the bright side, you do get scores of delicious oil-soaked marine animals washing up on beaches up and down the Gulf Coast, from Florida to Mississippi to Louisiana, which can be tons of fun in it's own right!
But lining his pocket with millions in dirty oil money and dead dolphins isn't all Newt's been doing since departing from relevance as dear House Speaker. Not by a long shot!
Sir Newton has also been a highly-sought-after GOP adviser, doling out his trademark words of wisdom on everything from how to deny climate change (its easy if you try!) to help budding young conservative stars and longtime (orange) faces of the current minority Grand Obstructionist Party remain as disingenuous, deranged, and ultimately as successful in their desperate, maniacal quest for power as he was.Yay!
Newt has even put his years of tireless dedication and political know-how into the latest, greatest Pulitzer-worthy book from a Republican, not nicknamed after a terrifying aquatic creature, like, say a Barracuda, the soon-to-be legendary, To Save America, likely the second most important book in all of history, behind $arah Palin's 432-word tribute to her bank account, Goin' Rogue.
In this shining gem of truth and enlightenment, To Save America, Newt needn't bother with silly liberal lies, myths, or crazy figments of Al Gore's imagination like climate change or other concocted threats to America's security nobody but hippies, heathens, or arugula-eating elitists with advanced degrees in science believe anyway.
Puh-lease! Newt has much bigger fish to fry (in delicious oil?) than trying to preserve some dumb swirling blue third planet from the Sun (which is probably just Jesus glowing anyway, not some radioactive, helium and hydrogen superstar with a mass 330,000 times that of Earth, or about the size of Newt's ego).
Like saving this blessed red, white, and blue Union (of puritans) from evil Obama and the congressional Democrats' "secular-socialist machine" that "represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union."
VAN SUSTEREN: All right, Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union. Go a little far on that one?
GINGRICH: No. Because I’m not talking about moral equivalence of the people, I’m talking about the end result. If the Nazis had defeated us, then America as we know it would have disappeared. If the Soviet Union had defeated us, the America as we know it would have disappeared. I argue in this book—and I think it’s a pretty reasoned and compelling argument—that the fact is, the values of a secular socialist movement are antithetical—and you hear from President Obama all the time. … The secular socialist left doesn’t want God anywhere in public life and doesn’t want to acknowledge God anywhere in public life.And since terrible Chairman ObaMAO actually believes in the constitutional separation of church and state (kinda like those "fathers" Newt and the rest of the human bags of Lipton love referencing so much), Newt is 100% positive America will undoubtedly find itself on that slippery slope of rounding up and mass-murdering millions of innocent Jews, Gypsies, intellectuals, homosexuals, disabled, and elderly all in the name of the Aryan master race and achieving God's vision of a perfect, pure world.
Of course, Gingrich's "reasoned and compelling" argument for this alleged new Hitler with a jumpshot consists of sound, factual evidence, such as the voices in his head buzzing "Socialism" and "universal health care" and "helping poor people not die or go bankrupt" every time he closes he eyes at night, after his nanny lulls him to gentle sleep with a nice story about the good ol' days when America was mighty and strong and run by a real Christian leader with a rudimentary understanding of the English language and even less idea about running a country (to the ground?) or how to be a president (play golf and go on cool airplane rides with beds in them while giving unwanted back rubs to German lady prime ministers?).
WALLACE: So — but you compare that to the Nazis and the Communists?
GINGRICH: I compare that as a threat.Who knows what kind of Holocausts will arise from the terrible government regulating the saints and do-gooders in the health insurance and oil industries who want nothing more than to make this world a better place for themselves, their children, and their children's children. Not included, of course, are those other "children" who didn't make it, thanks to exorbitant medical costs, sudden dropped coverage, lack of existing coverage, skyrocketing premiums, and other perfectly logical reasons why they're sorry to inform you that li'l Johnny's leukemia is no longer covered, but thanks for your life-savings anyway.
Oh, and you know that house of yours, yeah, we're gonna need to take that too. Don't hate us, we're just doing what God and the free market, and hidden fees, and duplicitous politicians and business schemes, (and billions of dollars in bonuses) would want us to do.
Newt just gets it! Which is precisely why he, like fellow messenger of Divinity, Glenn Beck, have found themselves suddenly stricken with a severe case of Nazi Tourettes, with the index of Newt's rational, fact-based book citing Nazi references eight times, each linking the Obama administration's progressivism and much-needed brand of social justice to Nazi Germany policies of Zyclon B gas chambers and total extermination.
Because who better to highlight the evil tendencies of humankind, namely of some dumb community organizer from Kenya or Chicago or Satan's womb, than a God-loving man named after a slimy, unsightly, pea-brained evolutionary freak of both land and sea, who was lovingly divorcing his various wives while they were recovering from cancer, all the while diddling his hot li'l GOP secretary on the sly, and prattling on about that Democratic Führer famous for his brilliant
No, not Obama silly, Bill Clinton!