The Comically Screwed State Of Politics, In Small, Easy-To-Swallow Bites.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
$arah Palin's Bringin' Sexy Back To Women By Takin' Sexytime Rights Away From 'Em!
Fearless defender of a pure white America free from gross brown people, and a woman's right to cede control of her own reproductive organs to the evil, federal government, $arah Palin is on a one-woman mission from God.
A divinely-inspired mission which includes a variety of personal incentives for the 'Cuda, like seven-figure paydays, several doctored interviews on the teevee, some awesome ghostwritten speeches from her hand, and of course, many ruined lives and slaughtered carcasses along the way.
Most recently, $arah's brilliant quest to restore greatness to once-proud America came in the form of defending Aryanzona's awesome new law making it illegal to be a person of suspicious color (brown) while residing in their parched, cacti-dotted desert paradise, unless the chocolatey hue happens to be a temporary side-effect from your two-week vacation somewhere warm 'n exotic, so long as it isn't disgusting Mexico.
Same goes for those hoity-toity, college educated, arugula-eating liberal elitists who suddenly decided to boycott Arizona all because of one little Nazi law that doesn't hurt anybody (or at least not anybody important and white).
"It's time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say, 'We're all Arizonans now,'" Palin said. "And in clear unison we say, 'Mr. President: Do your job. Secure our border.'"
Hear that NObama?
Either you build a 5,000 mile long magical fence that instantly solves all our problems (using no federal funds, of course) or shut your stinkin' trap about "civil rights," "discrimination," and/or the supposed danger of using fear and misinformation to create unconstitutional (White Power?) laws targeting those whose dark hues do not come from fun-and-sun-filled vacays at Club Med.
"Our purpose today is to help the rest of the nation understand the crisis which confronts our state," Jan Brewer said, citing the presence of human and drug smugglers, not to mention those two dingbats running for Senate, crazy old man McCain and that nutjob JD Hayworth ridin' his tail.
The tough immigration law takes effect July 29 and requires police enforcing another law to ask a person about his or her immigration status if there's "reasonable suspicion" that the person is in the country illegally (aka are they wearing a sombrero, maids outfit, holding a leafblower, and/or driving a landscaper truck blasting La Bamba and packed to the gills with darkies?). Naturally, being in the country illegally would become a state crime.
"I think for most American people the reaction to this would be, 'Why haven't the police already been doing that?'" Palin said.
I mean is it really that hard? Just round up all the browns using the scent of tacos or re-fried beans, a trail of soccer balls, and voila! It's adiós America and ¡Hola! Mexicanland, or wherever it is that human jumping border beans come from.
Both Brewer and Palin refused to say whether they'd support a guest worker program that would allow unskilled workers to temporarily work legally in the United States.
Likely because neither knows what the hell that means but then again, being ignorant and clueless has never really stopped 'em before. They have, however, heard the word unskilled several times. Can't really put their finger on why or where exactly, though...
While President Obama and numerous city, state and foreign governments have condemned Arizona's new SS law, which critics say will lead to racial profiling of Hispanics, Gov. Brewer reiterated her assertion that profiling is illegal and will not be tolerated, despite the entire law being based on this very practice!
"The president apparently considers it a wonderful opportunity to divide people along racial lines for his personal political convenience," Brewer said, apparently confusing herself with a certain current President of the United States. An honest mistake anyone could make!
Arizona Democratic Party spokeswoman Jennifer Johnson said Brewer's the one who has divided people, which she's done by signing controversial bills, and "puts her political survival first every single day."
"Every word she said today was crafted with her Republican primary in mind," Johnson said. "Arizona is just an afterthought."
Kinda like a certain precious miracle of God that rhymes with pig but shall otherwise remain nameless.
Citing her own experiences, Sarah admitted that she understood how some women might consider abortion, like when "for a fleeting moment" she considered having an abortion when she learned of her son Trig's prognosis.
Well thankfully our li'l ice princess soon realized the truth: that abortion is morally wrong and women should carry a fetus to term, no ifs, ands, or buts about it!
"It may not be the easiest path, but it's always the right path," she said.
ALWAYS! FOR EVERYONE! EVERY TIME! WITHOUT EXCEPTION, NO MATTER WHAT!
She did it, now the rest of you are also going to have your babies, whether you like it or not, got it gals?
Ever hear of a little thing called grrrrrl power?
But you betcha keeping gross illegals out of the U.S.of A, and surprise fetuses in the womb, isn't the only issue on $arah's rather large, meat-filled, buffet style plate.
Palin challenged Republican women, or "mama grizzlies" as she calls 'em to help the GOP "take this country back" by electing lawmakers who want to turn the clock back on rights for anyone who is not a white, male landowner.
"You don't want to mess with moms who are rising up," Palin said. "If you thought pit bulls were tough, you don't want to mess with mama grizzlies."
$arah then read a few more lies from her hand about Obama's health care plan to murder Grandma and special needs babies across America, and had a few choice words for the evil lamestream media for destroying her perfect daughter Bristol's pristine reputation as the knocked-up high school daughter of pure Alaskan royalty.
"Choosing life was the right road, the right choice. ... It hasn't been easy and society, culture sure hasn't been easy on her," Palin said. "Wow, our culture and our media has made it rough on her."
What with all the money and publicity and perks and privileges they so rudely thrust on her, forcing her to be all rich and famous and make videos urging people to pause before having sex and getting an abortion, if their families aren't rich and famous like hers, but instead gross and poor like lots o' other families.
She said some young women would see what happened to Bristol and perhaps be encouraged to seek an abortion instead of facing similar criticism for being a dumb whore who can't keep her hooha zipped up long enough to graduate high school without having to eat for two.
Casting herself as a victim of a liberal media and elite academics, poor, misunderstood $arah said, "Some of them refused to admit I'm even a woman."
Ya know, cause women are usually sweet 'n nice, and don't try to destroy other women who actually use their brains, or don't take advantage of the fact that they too have fertile wombs, ample lactating breasts, and other fun baby makin' parts!
Perhaps if she put on some lipstick and an apron, we wouldn't be so confused. Or actually helped women do anything other than keep unwanted buns in their ovens, or appear as targets in her election crosshairs to be unseated by real, Republican women who aren't afraid of getting their hands dirty (with oil, baby oil!) or donning a white hood and robe from time to time when shoving more than a few Democratic women out of the way.
America's newest FemiNAZI Sarah Palin knows all about the "new feminist movement" with an “emerging conservative feminist identity” of being both hateful and mindblowingly stupid while collectin' moose piles o' money from the good, God-fearin' folks in small, rural communities throughout the Lower 48.
"I kinda feel a connection to that tough, gun totin’ pioneer feminism," $arah said.
"For far too long, when people heard the word feminist, they thought of the faculty lounge at some East Coast woman’s college," she said.
Which everyone knows is really just code for big ol' man-hating dykes.
“And no offense to them, they have their opinions and their voice and God bless ‘em, that’s great, but that’s not the only voice of women in America.”
There's the shrill, ignorant, semi-educated voices too! What about them, huh?
Of course, some of the pioneering feminists in Democratic politics (ahem, Lesbos) aren't as enamored of sweet Sarah or her unique brand of fosterin' women's rights by slowly dissolving them for personal political gain. Not to mention monetary!
“She tries to have it both ways,” said former Rep. Patricia Schroeder (D-Colo.), who made a brief run for president in 1987. “If you remember when she first got the vice president nomination she talked about reaching out to Geraldine Ferraro, trying to tie herself into that legacy. Now she’s going to go get blood on her teeth, go out there and growl at them.”
What else would you expect mama grizzlies to do? Rub and cuddle and sing soft lullabies?
“Those women have been out there making the hard decisions for the country and she decided to bail rather than make those hard decisions,” she added, referring to Palin’s decision to resign as governor of Alaska before the end of her term.
Well, excuuuuuuse her for having a Facebook page to run! Ugh, silly women and their jealousy!
Another Democratic trailblazer, former Rep. Elizabeth Holtzman (D-N.Y.), who is currently running for state attorney general in New York, says Palin’s targeting of other women is particularly egregious because of how she landed on the national stage.
“She was elected, she was promoted, she was given the opportunity to run for vice president because she was a woman. Somewhere inside, there should be something that says, ‘don’t kick them in the teeth, don’t look down on other women,’” said Holtzman.
Unless that something happens to be a li'l bundle of joy, I'm afraid Miss Palin lacks that particular quality known as empathy of which you speak.
“It certainly doesn’t help the cause of trying to get more women in Congress now, because I think as a whole I think we do a good job of working together, the women members,” Rep. Betsy Markey (D-Colo.) told POLITICO.
“What Sarah Palin is doing simply doesn’t promote the idea that as women we all work together, whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican.”
Unless you mean working together to deny people rights. Because no one cooperates quite like sweet $arah when it comes to dividing people or duping the public into one big, Get $arah Rich Quick scheme.
According to Marjorie Dannenfelser, president of the Susan B. Anthony List, a group dedicated to electing women who oppose abortion rights, "The fact that women feel a little bit more likely now to be able to look feminine...is a great thing, because it means that at least we’re not trying to be the same people anymore. We know that we’re different, we know that we’re equal."
'Cept when it comes to the color of our skin (brown ladies scram!), having control over our own bodies (father knows best!), or in the wonderwoman from Wasilla's case, an IQ functioning above the level of a wanderin', five-colleges-in-five-years drifter with no skills to speak of other than squeezing out almost as much cold, hard cash from the American people as warm, soft miracles from her still-smokin' hot bod.
Welcome to the new Feminist Mystique, Mama Grizzly style!