Jan Brewer Can't Remember Why She Started Doing This ‘Running For Governor’ Thing In The First Place!

Heroic Nazi-hunting Governor Jan Brewer is ready to lead the great Mexican-huntin', parched desert wasteland formerly known as Arizona, back to its White Power glory days...err, if she could only remember a single reason why or even a single word of her favoritest English language!

Warning: It's very painful. Or as Politico's Ben Smith notes, "reflects either an amazing lack of preparation, or sheer panic."

And likely, a hearty dose of stupidity too!

Apparently the Mexican speechwriters responsible for Jan Brewer’s opening statements all got deported!

¡Aye Carumba!

Republicans Love Blacks & Mexicans So Much, They Just Can't Stop Saying & Doing Weird, Racist Things All The Time

The world's dopiest illegal stasher of $7 million secret RNC debt, Chairman Michael Steele (who else, yo?) and most deviant duper of liberals and black racists in the White House and NAACP, right-wing media monster mogul Andrew Breitbart are joining forces to create the biggest, most bad-ass fund-raising juggernaut the Republicans, no, make that the world, has ever seen!

Because, surely, rich, old white people be clamoring to get their their photo taken with their favorite national joke, and favorite national scumbag, respectively, at an awesome, fun-filled (albeit lesbian free) event in Beverly Hills on August 12.

There, Tweedledee and Tweedledum of Teabaggers will likely delight the crowd with all the things incompetent, bumbling fools and weaselly, a**hole duos do to "make money" off people who actually want to give their money to a Party that considers these two losers as a super-sexy fundraising draw. Oooh, sounds exciting!

Perhaps they will argue about who is less racist and loves black people more, the RNC Chairman who is so off-the-hook down with the brothas, he leads a Party that openly admitted to using racism as an actual strategy for the past 40+ years, or the white media maverick who tries to get innocent black USDA officials and longtime civil rights leaders fired for learning a valuable lesson about how the only the color that really matters is green, via partial video clips that don't show anything except how much Andrew adores black people everywhere except in the White House or the NAACP.

In fact, the Grand Old Party is sooooooo not racist, they won't even fire a black man for doing everything he could possibly do wrong except being black because that would look really bad for the party still steaming over Northern aggressors' demanding they stop enslaving 'em or hanging 'em from trees.

To be perfectly honest, the color-blind men and women in the Republican Party would love nothing more than to never discuss race again except when refusing to fire woefully incompetent chairmen because of said race (pssst: black!) because running an organization into the ground is how you prove that color matters less than content of character. For reals yo!

Just Like Martin Luther King (or was it Glenn Beck?) dreamed it would be.

Either way, this Steele-Breitbart cash money bonanza is nothing less than a pure COMEDY GOLD MINE!

And we all know how the Republicans feel about gold these days.

Even the black (gasp!) kind that oozes its delicious marine-killing goodness all over America's coastal shores.

I mean, how much more not racist can you get? Wanna know what else is totally, 100% not racist?

Arizona's ¡Adiós Amigos! law saying hasta la vista to all those dirty Mexicanas streaming across the border, contaminating their once-pure desert air.

Thanks to Judge Susan Bolton of the Federal District Court in Phoenix, who has issued “a preliminary injunction blocking the more controversial parts" of Arizona's Nazi immigration law, like the awesome "carry your papers" provision that helps solve the immigration problem by constantly harassing brown or similarly colored people who look suspiciously like terrible, gross Mexicans.

The overall law will still take effect Thursday, but without the provisions that angered opponents including sections that required officers to check a person's immigration status while enforcing other laws.

The judge also put on hold parts of the law that required immigrants to carry their papers at all times, and made it illegal for undocumented workers to solicit employment in public places. In addition, the judge blocked officers from making warrantless arrests of suspected illegal immigrants.

"Requiring Arizona law enforcement officials and agencies to determine the immigration status of every person who is arrested burdens lawfully-present aliens because their liberty will be restricted while their status is checked," U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton ruled.

Liberty shmiberty! What about Aryanzona's liberty to discriminate against poor migrant workers who may or may not be terrible illegals from Mexiland coming to rape their wives and steal their livestock? Or was it the other way around?

Who is going to fight for them? Who's going to stand up for the poor, scared white folks simply trying to keep their beautiful country free from red-and-green sombrero wearing invaders salsa-dancing across barbed wire fences and roving gangs of armed white supremacists all for the chance to give little José and Rosalita a better life by getting wantonly discriminated against by toothless, trigger happy sheriffs prowlin' for La Bamba blastin' truckloads of lawless Latino laborers??

Why, the freedom fighting daughter of famed 1955 California Nazi hunter and blond haired angel of the parched, Mexican drug lord-overrun apocalyptic wasteland of Aryanzona, Gov. Jan Brewer, of course!

“I am disappointed by Judge Susan Bolton’s ruling. This fight is far from over. In fact, it is just the beginning, and at the end of what is certain to be a long legal struggle, Arizona will prevail in its right to protect our citizens.

And protect the pure white sanctity of these once grand, once wholesome, once beautiful milky hued land of Gila Monsters and old white retirees in Cubs hats.

“I have consulted with my legal counsel about our next steps. We will take a close look at every single element Judge Bolton removed from the law, and we will soon file an expedited appeal at the United States Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit.”

Ugh, thanks a lot for ruining everything SUSAN BOLTON!  Why do you hate white people that much? Has  Shirley Sherrod taught you nothing?

Guess you leave G.I. Jan with no choice but to classify you as a dirty, illegal Messican, place you under arrest, and deport you to a dark, creepy place where no one in their right mind would ever dare venture.

And now that Arizona's is no longer an option, guess that leaves just one place: bound and gagged in the basement of a faux lezzie S&M bondage club. Or, in other words, the next RNC fundraiser.

Michael Steele will personally see to it that every inch of her body is thoroughly strip-searched to satisfaction. Heck, just to be on the safe side, he'll even do it himself.

Some things are just begging to be screwed.

When Gov. Jan Brewer Said Her Father Died "Fighting The Nazis" She Simply Confused Nazis With Mexicans, An Honest Mistake!

America's fiercest blonde-haired fighter of scary Mexicans, Aryanzona governor Jan Brewer just can't stop shrieking about all the wonderful reasons to round up the state's brown people and kill them ship 'em back to Mexicanland or wherever the hell it is these dark, menacing "things" come from.

But you know what hurts sweet Jan even more than terrible brown people milling about her whites-only state? Being called horrible, MEANY names like Satan, Marilyn Manson, or heaven's forbid, the absolute worst name in the history of insulting names, Hitler's daughter (gasp!).

Well this stings sensitive Miss Brewer more than you can possibly imagine. Deep, searing pain that rips right through her tan-but-not-Mexicanish-tan, desert fried flesh, and pierces straight into her shriveled sun-scorched, still-beating, little heart.

Why, you may wonder?

Ummm, maybe because Jan Brewer knows everything there is to know about being hunted by Nazis simply for being a Jew, Queer, Intellectual, Communist, or other putrid, non-Aryan minority of sin, and her hunting brown people couldn't be any farther from, say the Nazi policy of forced detention followed quickly by forced extermination. They're not even in the same realm, really!

She would know too, considering her father, her brave, warrior father, sacrificed everything to fight the Nazis, on their own dreadful, Jew-nourished, blood-soaked German soil. Hell, he died doing that. This takes real courage!

Almost as much courage as it took St. Jan to make up this wildly audacious lie, which in turn gave the rest of us the courage to proclaim that Jan Brewer deserves to be tied to a post outside the Holocaust Museum and left to rot, while the vultures (not the dirty Mexicans for once!) have their way with her.

Here's what Gov. Jan Brewer told the Arizona Republic: 

"The Nazi comments…they are awful," she said, her voice dropping. "Knowing that my father died fighting the Nazi regime in Germany, that I lost him when I was 11 because of that . . . and then to have them call me Hitler’s daughter. It hurts. It’s ugliness beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.”

Beyond anything she's ever experienced! Or fabricated! Or pulled out of her pasty white Neo-Nazi behind. Because her awesome, fearless father, the one who died braving evil Nazi forces in the heart of Deutschland, actually died a decade after World War II, of lung cancer, and the closest he ever came to "fighting the Nazi regime in Germany" was working in a weapons plant in Nevada during the war.

Nevada, Normandy, is there even a difference?!? All you have to do is substitute Hitler's foot-soldiers with Mexico's field workers and voila! it's Battle of the Bulge all over again!

And since we know upstanding, Republican politicians like Jan Brewer would never lie or exaggerate about how her father, Wilford Drinkwine (no joke...really, that's his name) met his heroic end fighting Nazis in Germany, the only logical conclusion is that the Nazis were actually running the naval munitions factory in Nevada, where Drinkwine worked as a civilian supervisor and "eventually died from the toxic fumes he inhaled there," a decade later in 1955...in California.

Of course! It makes perfect sense...

I almost forgot the Nazi's ultimate secret weapon against the Allies was a powerful, one-two punch of mesothelioma and black lung.

Naturally, Brewer’s press people are saying of course that’s what happened; Brewer very clearly meant that her dad worked in a weapons factory and was on disability afterward for respiratory problems he developed when she said "he died fighting the Nazis."

Just like how my father also sacrificed life and limb to defeat the greatest 20th century threat to humanity.

When he was 8 years-old in 1944, he skinned his knee pretty bad in a schoolyard incident while fighting the Nazi regime in Germany.

On a playground in Chicago's South Side.

$arah Palin's Bringin' Sexy Back To Women By Takin' Sexytime Rights Away From 'Em!

Fearless defender of a pure white America free from gross brown people, and a woman's right to cede control of her own reproductive organs to the evil, federal government, $arah Palin is on a one-woman mission from God.

A divinely-inspired mission which includes a variety of personal incentives for the 'Cuda, like seven-figure paydays, several doctored interviews on the teevee, some awesome ghostwritten speeches from her hand, and of course, many ruined lives and slaughtered carcasses along the way.

Hooray!!

Most recently, $arah's brilliant quest to restore greatness to once-proud America came in the form of defending Aryanzona's awesome new law making it illegal to be a person of suspicious color (brown) while residing in their parched, cacti-dotted desert paradise, unless the chocolatey hue happens to be a temporary side-effect from your two-week vacation somewhere warm 'n exotic, so long as it isn't disgusting Mexico.

Same goes for those hoity-toity, college educated, arugula-eating liberal elitists who suddenly decided to boycott Arizona all because of one little Nazi law that doesn't hurt anybody (or at least not anybody important and white).

"It's time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say, 'We're all Arizonans now,'" Palin said. "And in clear unison we say, 'Mr. President: Do your job. Secure our border.'"

Hear that NObama?

Either you build a 5,000 mile long magical fence that instantly solves all our problems (using no federal funds, of course) or shut your stinkin' trap about "civil rights," "discrimination," and/or the supposed danger of using fear and misinformation to create unconstitutional (White Power?) laws targeting those whose dark hues do not come from fun-and-sun-filled vacays at Club Med.

"Our purpose today is to help the rest of the nation understand the crisis which confronts our state," Jan Brewer said, citing the presence of human and drug smugglers, not to mention those two dingbats running for Senate, crazy old man McCain and that nutjob JD Hayworth ridin' his tail.

The tough immigration law takes effect July 29 and requires police enforcing another law to ask a person about his or her immigration status if there's "reasonable suspicion" that the person is in the country illegally (aka are they wearing a sombrero, maids outfit, holding a leafblower, and/or driving a landscaper truck blasting La Bamba and packed to the gills with darkies?). Naturally, being in the country illegally would become a state crime.

"I think for most American people the reaction to this would be, 'Why haven't the police already been doing that?'" Palin said.

Like, duh!

I mean is it really that hard? Just round up all the browns using the scent of tacos or re-fried beans, a trail of soccer balls, and voila! It's adiós America and ¡Hola! Mexicanland, or wherever it is that human jumping border beans come from.

Both Brewer and Palin refused to say whether they'd support a guest worker program that would allow unskilled workers to temporarily work legally in the United States.

Likely because neither knows what the hell that means but then again, being ignorant and clueless has never really stopped 'em before. They have, however, heard the word unskilled several times. Can't really put their finger on why or where exactly, though...

While President Obama and numerous city, state and foreign governments have condemned Arizona's new SS law, which critics say will lead to racial profiling of Hispanics, Gov. Brewer reiterated her assertion that profiling is illegal and will not be tolerated, despite the entire law being based on this very practice!

"The president apparently considers it a wonderful opportunity to divide people along racial lines for his personal political convenience," Brewer said, apparently confusing herself with a certain current President of the United States. An honest mistake anyone could make!

Arizona Democratic Party spokeswoman Jennifer Johnson said Brewer's the one who has divided people, which she's done by signing controversial bills, and "puts her political survival first every single day."

"Every word she said today was crafted with her Republican primary in mind," Johnson said. "Arizona is just an afterthought."

Kinda like a certain precious miracle of God that rhymes with pig but shall otherwise remain nameless.

Citing her own experiences, Sarah admitted that she understood how some women might consider abortion, like when "for a fleeting moment" she considered having an abortion when she learned of her son Trig's prognosis.

Well thankfully our li'l ice princess soon realized the truth: that abortion is morally wrong and women should carry a fetus to term, no ifs, ands, or buts about it!

"It may not be the easiest path, but it's always the right path," she said.

ALWAYS! FOR EVERYONE! EVERY TIME! WITHOUT EXCEPTION, NO MATTER WHAT!

She did it, now the rest of you are also going to have your babies, whether you like it or not, got it gals?

Ever hear of a little thing called grrrrrl power?

But you betcha keeping gross illegals out of the U.S.of A, and surprise fetuses in the womb, isn't the only issue on $arah's rather large, meat-filled, buffet style plate.

Miss Alaska is also taking her bad, leather jacket sportin' self on the road, across real (rural) America to help elect real, conservative women who know how to field dress a moose (and deadbeat ex-boyfriends of slutty daughters), and restore intelligent, sound policy ideas like drill, baby drill! and live, fetus live! back to elitist ol' Washington, DC.

Palin challenged Republican women, or "mama grizzlies" as she calls 'em to help the GOP "take this country back" by electing lawmakers who want to turn the clock back on rights for anyone who is not a white, male landowner.

"You don't want to mess with moms who are rising up," Palin said. "If you thought pit bulls were tough, you don't want to mess with mama grizzlies."

You betcha, they'll rip your freakin' head clean off your neck! And then toss the delicious remains on the barbie 'cause why else would God make meat?

$arah then read a few more lies from her hand about Obama's health care plan to murder Grandma and special needs babies across America, and had a few choice words for the evil lamestream media for destroying her perfect daughter Bristol's pristine reputation as the knocked-up high school daughter of pure Alaskan royalty.

"Choosing life was the right road, the right choice. ... It hasn't been easy and society, culture sure hasn't been easy on her," Palin said. "Wow, our culture and our media has made it rough on her."

What with all the money and publicity and perks and privileges they so rudely thrust on her, forcing her to be all rich and famous and make videos urging people to pause before having sex and getting an abortion, if their families aren't rich and famous like hers, but instead gross and poor like lots o' other families.

She said some young women would see what happened to Bristol and perhaps be encouraged to seek an abortion instead of facing similar criticism for being a dumb whore who can't keep her hooha zipped up long enough to graduate high school without having to eat for two.

Casting herself as a victim of a liberal media and elite academics, poor, misunderstood $arah said, "Some of them refused to admit I'm even a woman."

Ya know, cause women are usually sweet 'n nice, and don't try to destroy other women who actually use their brains, or don't take advantage of the fact that they too have fertile wombs, ample lactating breasts, and other fun baby makin' parts! 

Perhaps if she put on some lipstick and an apron, we wouldn't be so confused. Or actually helped women do anything other than keep unwanted buns in their ovens, or appear as targets in her election crosshairs to be unseated by real, Republican women who aren't afraid of getting their hands dirty (with oil, baby oil!) or donning a white hood and robe from time to time when shoving more than a few Democratic women out of the way.

America's newest FemiNAZI Sarah Palin knows all about the "new feminist movement" with an “emerging conservative feminist identity” of being both hateful and mindblowingly stupid while collectin' moose piles o' money from the good, God-fearin' folks in small, rural communities throughout the Lower 48.

"I kinda feel a connection to that tough, gun totin’ pioneer feminism," $arah said.

"For far too long, when people heard the word feminist, they thought of the faculty lounge at some East Coast woman’s college," she said.

Which everyone knows is really just code for big ol' man-hating dykes. 

“And no offense to them, they have their opinions and their voice and God bless ‘em, that’s great, but that’s not the only voice of women in America.”

There's the shrill, ignorant, semi-educated voices too! What about them, huh?

Of course, some of the pioneering feminists in Democratic politics (ahem, Lesbos) aren't as enamored of sweet Sarah or her unique brand of fosterin' women's rights by slowly dissolving them for personal political gain. Not to mention monetary!

“She tries to have it both ways,” said former Rep. Patricia Schroeder (D-Colo.), who made a brief run for president in 1987. “If you remember when she first got the vice president nomination she talked about reaching out to Geraldine Ferraro, trying to tie herself into that legacy. Now she’s going to go get blood on her teeth, go out there and growl at them.”

What else would you expect mama grizzlies to do? Rub and cuddle and sing soft lullabies?

“Those women have been out there making the hard decisions for the country and she decided to bail rather than make those hard decisions,” she added, referring to Palin’s decision to resign as governor of Alaska before the end of her term.

Well, excuuuuuuse her for having a Facebook page to run! Ugh, silly women and their jealousy!

Another Democratic trailblazer, former Rep. Elizabeth Holtzman (D-N.Y.), who is currently running for state attorney general in New York, says Palin’s targeting of other women is particularly egregious because of how she landed on the national stage.

“She was elected, she was promoted, she was given the opportunity to run for vice president because she was a woman. Somewhere inside, there should be something that says, ‘don’t kick them in the teeth, don’t look down on other women,’” said Holtzman.

Unless that something happens to be a li'l bundle of joy, I'm afraid Miss Palin lacks that particular quality known as empathy of which you speak.
 
“It certainly doesn’t help the cause of trying to get more women in Congress now, because I think as a whole I think we do a good job of working together, the women members,” Rep. Betsy Markey (D-Colo.) told POLITICO.

“What Sarah Palin is doing simply doesn’t promote the idea that as women we all work together, whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican.”

Unless you mean working together to deny people rights. Because no one cooperates quite like sweet $arah when it comes to dividing people or duping the public into one big, Get $arah Rich Quick scheme.

According to Marjorie Dannenfelser, president of the Susan B. Anthony List, a group dedicated to electing women who oppose abortion rights, "The fact that women feel a little bit more likely now to be able to look feminine...is a great thing, because it means that at least we’re not trying to be the same people anymore. We know that we’re different, we know that we’re equal."

'Cept when it comes to the color of our skin (brown ladies scram!), having control over our own bodies (father knows best!), or in the wonderwoman from Wasilla's case, an IQ functioning above the level of a wanderin', five-colleges-in-five-years drifter with no skills to speak of other than squeezing out almost as much cold, hard cash from the American people as warm, soft miracles from her still-smokin' hot bod.

Welcome to the new Feminist Mystique, Mama Grizzly style!

Arizona, Proudly Scaring The Bejesus Out Of America Since 1912

America's lovely parched desert landscape of cacti and Gila monsters (no, not that otherworldly beast pictured above), plus plentiful racist, Mexican-hating wingnuts have helped make Arizona the majestic, Big-Government dependent, scorched used tire outlet, we Americans, know and love so well.

Throw in that confused old man who blessed the public with some lipstick wearing maverick pig before officially checking out of the rough road known as reality, en route to staving off some initialed-madman on horseback gunning for his senate seat. Add a dash of racist intolerance, a creeping fear of change, a pinch of immigrant hysteria, sprinkle in some racial profiling and discrimination, some birthers here, a few minutemen there, and you my friend have all the ingredients for the delicious new Alabama of the West, Aryanzona, the purest state since all the immigrant workers fled for greener pastures where there's still actual jobs and rule of law, not roving gangs of trigger-happy cops leading pogroms against Mexicans in the streets.

First, there is the not-at-all unconstitutional measure passed by the state legislature that would require police to stop anyone suspected of being an illegal immigrant. Meaning if you happen to live in Arizona, your skin is brown (or any color not snowflake white) and/or you have that whole "immigrant" look about you, you will be mercilessly harassed by lunatic cops on horses demanding your proof of residency before roundin' the whole family up and shipping 'em off someplace else where they take more kindly to foreign invaders who are fundamentally integral to the health of the economy.

"The Arizona Legislature has just stepped off the deep end of the immigration debate, passing a harsh and mean-spirited bill that would do little to stop illegal immigration. What it would do is lead to more racial profiling, hobble local law enforcement, and open government agencies to frivolous, politically driven lawsuits."

"The bill is a grab bag of measures to enlist law enforcement and government at every level to expose and expel the undocumented. Opponents say it verges on a police state, which sounds overblown until you read it."

"It would make not having immigration documents a new state misdemeanor, and allow officers to arrest anyone who could not immediately prove they were here legally. That means if you are brown-skinned and leave home without a wallet, you are in trouble."

Ooooh, sounds fun! If I ever want to give the kiddies a lesson about the good ol' days living in Hitler's Germany, I'll just gather the fam, pack into the old station wagon and head out west to show the li'l youngins how delightfully fun and full o' surprises living in a Gestapo-run police state really can be!

"The lunacy of rounding up people because they look a certain way, or are suspected of being in violation of immigration statutes, can only lead to one thing – violations of people's basic, fundamental civil rights. Profiling," Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) said.

Isn't that the point, Lou?

But supporters of the Arizona legislation, like the bill's primary sponsor, and advocate of 1950s deportation programs like "Operation Wetback," Republican State Sen. Russell Pearce, say it would give police the tools they need to combat violent crimes committed by illegal immigrants.

"Illegal is not a race, it's a crime," Pearce said.

Ignorance, on the other hand, is still legal in all 50 states.

"In the end, it all comes back to the president of the United States and whether he will put his back into comprehensive immigration reform," Gutierrez added.

Ummm, yeah that is if President Obama could actually go into Arizona without being swarmed by unhinged cops and militiamen seeing his chocolate-y hue, and immediately demanding his birth certificate and/or proof of citizenship.

Fresh off the heels of their new "Mexicans No Welcome" bill, Arizona's enlightened House of Representatives passed another measure requiring candidates for the U.S. presidency to provide their birth certificate to the Arizona secretary of state.

Which is obviously aimed at Mittens Romney (or whichever Republican candidate wins the chance to lose another election), not any particular half-black, secret Muslim from Kenya currently in the White House who will be running again in 2012.

"The Arizona House on Monday voted for a provision that would require President Barack Obama to show his birth certificate if he hopes to be on the state’s ballot when he runs for reelection. The House voted 31-22 to add the provision to a separate bill. The measure still faces a formal vote."

"It would require U.S. presidential candidates who want to appear on the ballot in Arizona to submit documents proving they meet the constitutional requirements to be president."

The Arizona Capitol Times reports:

Rep. Kyrsten Sinema, a Phoenix Democrat who voted against the measure, said the bill is one of several measures that are making Arizona "the laughing stock of the nation...I am ashamed that this is even a topic of discussion."

Oh Kyrsten, there's nothing to be ashamed of! We're used to these sorts of ass-backwards attempts "to take back the country" from Negroes, Mexicans, and other undesirables stealin' America from the poor, disenfranchised white man, courtesy of the great state of Arizona. I mean we are talking about the same state that refused to honor Martin Luther King Jr., with a federal holiday because what the hell did he even do anyway?

So the man gave a few good speeches about having dreams...well so did Sarah Palin (even if her dreams were about drillin' baby drillin' for oil in every protected wildlife reserve in Alaska, for equality), and you don't see the whole country trying to honor her with a federal holiday, now do you?

So stop slacking Arizona!

Why stop now? Hopefully, Republican Governor Jan Brewer will stop dillydallying and sign the soon-to-be "Birther Bill" and Nazi anti-immigrant law already sitting on her antique mahogany desk, so the Grand Canyon State can once again seal its fate as the stupidest, most bigoted state in all our precious union.

And John McCain can resume his favorite role terrifying the nation's kiddies and dumbfounding the scientific community as to what the hell kind of grotesque species of God knows what, has the ability to morph from a one-time defender of brown people, into a semi-coherent, slightly senile, Mexican-hatin' Senator who traded his soul for a chance to ride the Sarah Palin Maverick Express straight into eternal damnation, brimstone and hellfire.

With a quick pit stop in Washington, DC, first.