Rick Santorum Would Love To Grant Puerto Rico Statehood If OnlyThey Weren't So Weird & Mexicany

 Rick Santorum Shirtless: Keeping Kids Abstinent One Nipple At A Time

Rick Santorum took a break from his usual spewing nonsense about the dangers of rubbing unmarried loins together and letting silly women make important choices about their own deviant bodies to offend another oft-persecuted group of people, the scary foreign-tongued Mexicans.

Sure they may live in Puerto Rico and speak English, but that didn't stop Señor Douchebag from explaining to them in good, proper American English that if they want statehood, they must speak the language of prosperity and patriots instead of tilde "ghetto" crap.

¿Comprende amigos?

“Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law,” Santorum said. “And that is that English has to be the principal language. There are other states with more than one language such as Hawaii but to be a state of the United States, English has to be the principal language.”

Otherwise you become a multi-lingual whore like that hula slut Hawaii and have bastard sons who go on to become half-black, illegal Presidents of the United States of Socialism.

Not like Hawaii is a state or even part of America. Because if it were, B. Hussein Obama would be a natural-born citizen and Rick Santorum wouldn't be forced to insult entire island territories/self-governing commonwealths (or whatever the hell Puerto Rico is) by pulling a bunch of made-up shit out of his pasty-white (English-only) ass.

However, the U.S. Constitution does not designate an official language, nor is there a requirement that a territory adopt English as its primary language in order to become a state.

Oh. So, apparently Rick Santorum knows as much about the Constitution as his wife does about orgasms.

Luckily "Santorum" means the same thing in every language.

¡Ay, caramba!

Pete Hoekstra's Racist, Lie-Filled Ad Shows How To Lose An Election & Alienate Voters In 30 Seconds Or Less

Now, normally when a smug, disingenuous politician, like say, Rep. Pete Hoekstra of Michigan, releases a totally offensive, cartoonishly racist ad featuring an Asian lady riding a bicycle through Asian rice paddies and taunting Michiganers about how lazy and unemployed they are through stereotypical broken English, their popularity increases exponentially, usually as a misguided populist (i.e. Teabagger) backlash to the lamestream media shouting "racist" and "completely offensive."

This is how politics tend to work in America, or at least ever since that half-black secret Muslim terrorist Socialist won (stole?) the White House and racism vanished completely by hiding beneath colonial wigs, Jesus Saves t-shirts, and obese white men and women wearing tea bags on their heads and shrieking about taking their country back from some mysterious dark force with a charming smile, sensible ideas and weird, Muslim-y sounding name.

But then something strange and wonderful happened. Instead of propelling Pete Hoekstra to the top and all but securing a Republican victory, his terrible ad backfired, causing his poll numbers to plummet and reminding everyone why, for whatever reason— karma? — a dumb, lying, racist ad fails to win the hearts and minds of anyone.

What’s interesting is that Stabenow’s approval numbers have barely budged at all over the last 6 months. Over the summer we found her at 46/40, and now she’s at 47/41. But Hoekstra’s numbers have taken a turn for the worst. In July his favorability was narrowly positive at 31/30. Now he’s dropped a net 11 points to a -10 spread at 28/38. There hasn’t been a big shift in his numbers with Democrats or Republicans but with independents his numbers have flipped from +10 (33/23) to -10 (29/39).

Hoekstra appears to have been damaged by his controversial Super Bowl ad. 54% of voters in the state were familiar with it, and within that group 45% said it made them less likely to vote for him compared to only 16% who considered it a positive and 37% who said it didn’t make a difference to them either way. Independents said they were turned off by it and he’s gone from leading with them by 6 points in July to now trailing by 4 points.

Perhaps some good advice for Pete "SpendItNot" Hoekstra is the next time you pretty much have the Republican nomination wrapped up and think to run a buffoonish race-baiting ad during the Super Bowl, ask yourself am I trying to alienate everyone who doesn't wear white robes and cone-shaped hoods over their heads? If the answer is no, then it's probably best to ShowItNot.

Unless, of couse you're LINsane!

Otherwise, you pay heavy plice, Conglessman Holkstlah! No Happy Ending for you!

Guess that's just the way the (fortune) cookie crumbles.

[image via Wonkette]

Newt Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Reminding America Why It's South Carolina In The First Place

Well, well, that was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining, bloated, real life Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and serial adultering sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been declared the Big Wiener of the South Carolina Confederate Republican primary. Hooray! Now all of America can experience the amphibeous-named, Tiffany bling-encrusted, white-capped mountain of sleaze that is Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich. Let's just hope America has been drinking their açaí berry shakes and practicing their sun salutations because otherwise Newt will do to America what he's done to everything else he's ever loved: move on to the next younger, hotter CUNTry. Oops, Country, I mean Country!

So while the Big Newt, err, make that the Big News of the day is that a white, womanizing, racist asshole takes the bacon in the wonderful State where the Civil War started (crazy, I know!), those who don't reside in The Palmetto State, or as it's more commonly known, North Carolina's redheaded stepchild, can still feel a part of the wingnut political process, thanks to the boldest, tackiest, NSFW-iest political gear to hit the market this election year. Perfect for the crazed Teabagging asshole in your life! Wear one to your next (and last!) job interview and let the whole world know which appendage Uncle Sam can suck, without having to say a word!

And proudly wear your hate on your sleeve! Because if there's one thing people who like terrible, offensive polticial t-shirts looooove it is hating immigrants. Not like your average, milky white, red freckled, O'Sullivan or O'Reilly from Dublin. Remember, "immigrants" is Republican for "Mexicans," as is any other brown-skinned persons of broad latino descent born south of Brownsville, Texas.

The other general rule of thumb for people who purchase this type of political attire is a blind, albeit almost pathological hatred of President Barack Obama. This hate must be so strong that it bends the rules of logic, physics, grammar, the universe, and comparison-making. Obama is Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Che Guevera, Pol Pot, the Joker from Batman, Bill Cosby, Uncle Tom, King Kong, Godzilla, Aunt Jemima, every black stereotype ever (here's looking at you Buckwheat!), a dork, dweeb, nerd, liar, elitist, secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist, and of course, a shit sandwich, as these t-shirts so tastefully prove. The best part? These tees come in a variety of exciting, PC colors like Sanchez Brown, Drunken Irish, Funeral Black, Blue Balls, Period Red, Pussy Pink, Blow White, and Bong Ash so you can you can look your best while being the worst!

Ugh, you know what really grinds wingnuts' gears? When gross smart people run the government! With their elitist knowledge and intelligence. It's enough to make a person sick! What America needs isn't more "community organizers" or hoity-toity "college graduates." Hell no! What it needs is a bunch of toothless, drunk, heavily armed, high school dropouts to make America great again by expelling all the Messicans and gays while bombing the bejesus out of as many foreign, oil-rich Muslim countries as their GED brains can think of. Next stop, Arabia!

Nothing screams sexy like an angry, naked Mama Grizz mounting Nancy Pelosi from behind, locked in a full nelson, and forced to submit to a woman elected to a position for which she isn't even running. Women's Rights are so 2008! Sarah Palin/Horny Men 2012! You betcha!

¡Ay, caramba! This shirt ordering all illegals to SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH is great except for the one tiny, little thing: the shirt is written in FUCKING ENGLISH! Though, extra bonus racist points for hot girl's middle finger. The universal language for junior high school kids to let the whole world know they just don't give a F*CK 'bout nothin! Except of course, poorly spoken, grammatically incorrect, AMERICAN JESUS ENGLISH.

Ummm, I don't know about you, but Vanilla Ice threatening to rip my eyeballs out and have sex with my empty orbital sockets is enough to keep me from setting Old Glory ablaze anytime soon. Mission Accomplished!?

Oh, yeaaaaah! Every dad who purchases this badboy is pretty much guaranteeing that his daughter will eventually end up dating Mary Cheney. Or Chaz Bono. Or, God forbid, Marcus Bachmann! **Shudder**

So get your awesome wingnut tee today and let the whole world know, "Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech" what happens when bad decision-making meets 40 ounces of malt liquor deep in the middle of Bumblefuck, USA, like oh, I don't know, say, South Carolina.

Freedom's a bitch, y'all!

Ron Paul Likes His Airplane Seats Like He Likes His Citizens: In Different Classes

New (Old) Flavor of the month (white power chocolate mousse) Ron Paul is no stranger to controversy, thanks to his various racist, sexist and otherwise close-minded policies of limited government, even more limited brain power, and the freedom to be as selfish, asshole-ish, or basically Ron Paul-ish as humanly possible.

Like, say, the latest, greatest selection of newsletters allegedly penned by a certain Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul recently unearthed by the terrible, no-good liberal Jew run media, whose highlights, err lowlights, include:

• A segment called “Race War?” from the June 1990 issue of Political Report warns that a race war might be imminent due to “the victimization mentality created by the civil rights movement, where every black failure is a white crime. If there is indeed this sort of trouble ahead, it is just another reason why every honest American should be armed.”

• “Today, gangs of young blacks bust into a bank lobby firing rounds at the ceiling…We don’t think a child of 13 should be held as responsible as a man of 23. That’s true for most people, but black males age 13 who have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary and culpable as any adult, and should be treated as such” — a riff on bank robberies from the September 1992 issue of Survival Report.

• “Were there, as some people now say, two bombs that went off in the building? And might the government have the wrong man? Who doubts the possibility that the government – which lied about Waco and Ruby Ridge – may also be covering up true information and planting false information about the Oklahoma bombing?” — a conspiracy theory on the Oklahoma City bombing from the September 1996 Survival Report. 

• “Any organization hated by the IRS and the Trilaterialist Time magazine has got to have something going for it!” — a defense of the Church of Scientology in the June 1991 issue of the Political Report.

• “AIDS can be transmitted through means other than sexual intercourse and blood transfusion, specifically saliva, tears, sweat, feces and urine” — from the March 1987 edition of the Investment Report. In the same document, the author also called for the repeal of “federal laws which force schools to accept students known to carry a fatal, communicable disease, and businesses to employ adult victims as ‘handicapped.’”

• “[Magic] Johnson may be a sports star, but he is dying because he violated moral laws” — from the December 1991 issue of Political Report.

• “[T]he criminal ‘Justice’ Department wants to force dentists to treat these Darth Vader types under the vicious Americans With Disabilities Act” — a proclamation that AIDS patients (“Darth Vader types”) should not be allowed to visit the dentist, in the November 1993 issue of the Political Report. The author also adds, “[W]e all have the right to discriminate, which is what freedom of association is all about, especially against killers.”

OMG, so true! You know what else is true? The freedom of Karma to turn you into a frail, pathetic, decrepit old weirdo so vile and hateful even his eyebrows scrammed the hell off his face.

Which is almost as a-PAUL-ling as the self-proclaimed most "frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race" charging taxpayers nearly $52,000 all so he could fly in style, specifically first-class style, during his freqent trips between Washington and his home district in Texas.

From the AP:

But Paul's congressional travel conflicts with claims in campaign appearances that he's the most frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race.

"The talk you hear in Washington is pure talk, because there is nobody suggesting, the other candidates are not talking about real cuts," Paul said in a speech to supporters last week after his second-place finish in New Hampshire.

Now normally an elderly person who flies constantly with the means to fork over thousands of dollars to avoid being crammed into the steerage section of a commercial airliner is no big deal. More power to 'em!

But for a man who never votes for any budget or major spending bill and seriously thinks it is better to let people starve, drown, burn, or die of cancer in the streets than add one bloody red cent to the big bad gubmint deficit, is what the rest of the civilized world calls the worst kind of spineless hypocrite.

Because the person who is outraged by, say, a $25k public arts grant and is always prattling on about how "every little bit counts" and "you have to start somewhere" should at the very least not be the same one who tosses around hard-earned taxpayer money for a few extra inches of leg room, a hot towel, and the ability to look down on the stupid POVS who can't even afford to be on Ron's side of the curtain divider.

Not to mention, all the perfectly good federal money wasted on silly, trivial things like state-supported air traffic control, subsized airports, and paved landing strips when Ron Paul should know better than anyone that the invisible hand of the free market will surely keep his plane in the air and guide it safely on its journey, using not GPS and computers but smoke signals and supply side economics.

Truth is, if Ron was really serious about the whole thing, he'd go the old fashioned way, pulled by oxen in a covered wagon through dangerous, uncharted terrain and winding backwoods, untainted by Uncle Sam's coddling hand, but teeming with scurvy and dystentery just like the Good Lord and Ron Paul intended.

Screw Patrick Henry, thanks to Ron Paul, we can all take a deep breath and exclaim, "Give Me Liberty And Give Me Death!"

[image via AP]

Texas College Republicans May Flunk Most Things, But They Sure Get An A In Racist Twitter Poetry

Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun 'n stuff! Hooray!!

The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, Lauren Pierce, was a gifted scholar of that other hilarious, popular genre of Republican poetry known as Obama "assassination jokes."

So the current President, Cassie Wright, not only decided to bless the nation with her brilliant observations, but also twatted out her momentary brain activity in adorable rhyme format! Maybe if the whole "college education" thing doesn't work out, Cassie could become the next great author of racist children's coloring books?

Although, to be fair, I'm pretty sure crack is not ever snorted, so Cassie should really consider hiring a fact checker before embarking on her next career as America's premier distributor of offensive, ill-informed propaganda in 140 (rhyming) characters or less. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, biatch!

Of course, a wiz like Cassie knows Social Media isn't just for tweeting dumb, racist nonsense about the President of the United States. Not at all! It's also for racial stereotyping, Cassie's (and apparently all College Republicans') all-time favorite activity on Earth.

On Facebook recently, Wright wrote that it was a “messed up world” because she was studying in the library while “the Asian guy next to me is watching America’s Next Top Model episodes on his laptop.”
When a commenter asked what being Asian had to with it, Wright responded:
“Because Asians study a lot…If you’re offended by my use of a stereotype then gtfo [get the f*** out].”

Ah yes, tomorrow's leaders.

My name is Cassie Wright, can you tell that I'm white?
I've got blonde hair and big tits, but no brain and even less wits. Holla

#everythingsdumberintexas #brasizeisbiggerthanIQ

Messed up world? GTFO!

No, seriously. The whole state. Please.

[image via Gawker]

Newt Gingrich & Herman Cain To Compete In "Modified Lincoln-Douglas Debate," In That They Only Use 3/5ths Of Their Brains

Grab your Gideons, prep your muskets, sharpen your bayonets, throw on your colonial best and head on down to Houston, Texas for the can't-miss event of the year, the clash of two GOP presidential titans Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. Wait, did I say can't miss?? Haha silly me! I meant can't watch, since no television network wants to touch that shit with a ten foot pole, forcing those who wish to watch two psychos prattle on about electrocuting Messicans, the tyranny of affordable health care, and why corporations are people but poors aren't, to use heave their obese, diabetic bodies into Humvees, pickup trucks, and Socialist Medicaire scooters and make the trek themselves! Now, that's some good, old fashioned American can-do spirit right there!

And much like Newt Gingrich's third mistress-turned-wife's penchant for Tiffany diamonds and Herman Cain's 999 tax plan/Godfathers pizza daily deal-o-rama, this Tea Party Patriot-sponsored Texas two-step don't come cheap!

General admission for what is being billed as a "modified Lincoln–Douglas debate," the modification, one can only assume, being that they both argue in favor of slavery, costs $200, although the price includes a slice of “good ole apple pie,” because apparently black walnuts is something Republicans want to elect president not use as filling for a round, deliciously moist, flaky pie.

"Then there’s the 'Patron Ticket,' which costs $500. Patron-level purchasers will get 'prime seating' and admission to a Nite Cap party after the debate, as well as a chance to mingle with the candidates over drinks and hors d’oerves afterward."

Oooh, as long as they are unregulated, uninspected, and untainted by dirty government hands (salmonella, she is a beauty), count me in!

"Top-level donors will pay $1,000 for the best seating in the house (panic room?), a special room at the Woodlands Resort in Houston for the Nite Cap party, and a 'professional picture' taken with the candidates."

By professional picture, I assume they mean gagged, bound, and forced into a naked pyramid complete with a dog leash around your neck, and your choice of semi-automatic weapon nudging you into position. Nothing says fun like an M16 Caliber 5.56 mm in your backside.

Or for those looking for something a little spicier, how about a nice slice of Godfather's latest, greatest culinary creation, Hot 'n Spicy Tex Mex pizza in honor of Herman Cain's similarly themed, similarly brilliant electrified border fence immigration policy: refried Mexicans.

"Students can get in for $150, but those tickets are sold out."

Funny, so did the students!!

So, the Texas Tea Party Patriots will host, blue-eyed nutjob Rep. Steve King will moderate (aka grunt, wink, and cheer when appropriate like talk of poor people dying, gay soldiers proudly serving their country, or the delightful execution Texas inmates), and Lincoln-Douglas will likely turn over in their graves as these two idiots take turns debating who loves Reagan 'n Jesus the most.

In background conversations, both campaigns say they look forward to the discussion. A source close to Gingrich tells the National Review that the former speaker will speak at length about his policy proposals and will, "in a friendly way," illustrate his differences with Cain.
"We initially wanted a forum with all of the candidates," O'Sullivan says. "But when we heard Gingrich say he wanted a more serious debate, like the Lincoln–Douglas debates, we wanted to do that, especially since watching the recent superficial debates has been frustrating."

Only if you value sanity, rationality, sensibility, intelligence and the ability to formulate a coherent sentence. So what the hell is the Republicans' problem with it?

Gingrich has been a long-time proponent of the Lincoln-Douglas debate style, because it gives candidates more time to have a detailed policy discussion. Gingrich has repeatedly said that if he were the Republican nominee, he would challenge President Obama to seven three-hour Lincoln-Douglas style debates.

Which is about 21 hours longer than necessary to reveal Newton's complete lack of knowledge on the workings of the federal government!

Either way, the important thing to remember is that on November 5th, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich will return to that kindler, gentler time circa 1858 when a man was a man, and a black man was his property!

So how much would I pay to see this so-called modern-day Lincoln-Douglas debate?

Let's see, is there anything smaller than absolute zero? Ah yes, of course, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich's combined IQs!

[image via AP]

Racist College Republican Bake Sale Proves That When It Comes To The GOP, Racism Is Black & White (Cookies)

UC Berkeley College Republicans (yes, apparently, they do exist!) are all hot 'n bothered about a terrible (Socialist?) new affirmative action law by hippie-dippie California governor Jerry Brown that would allow state universities to consider race, gender, ethnicity and national origin in admission applications.

Oh the humanity!

Because everyone (aka 20-something white Republican males) knows affirmative action is terribly racist against the real victims, the ever-persecuted white male, and to prove this notion once and for all, they will hold a bake sale that is racist against everyone else.

White power y'all!

Which, in the dumb, half-baked minds of a misguided, racist GOP student body, means holding a dumb, racist, half-baked GOP student bake sale, where stoned white males with a hankerin' for something sweet have to pay $2 per cupcake, while everybody else pays a couple quarters less for their baked good of choice, depending on skin color, gender, and of course, a wonderful, randomly assigned scale of "this is how much less than a white guy you are worth."

To, ummm, prove a point!?

Asian Americans? That'll be a $1.50. Latinos? Just $1.00 please. Blacks? Oh, they are very cheap compared to white guys, only $0.75. Native Americans? Even better, only $0.25 a pop! That's practically dirt! Doesn't get much more worthless than that.

And remember people, ladies are worth 25 cents less than men across the board. So word to the wise, find some nice black and/or Native American ladies on campus and you my friend, will be able to stuff your face with all the cupcakes and cream puffs your diabetic li'l heart desires. On the cheap!

From CNN:

“We agree that the event is inherently racist, but that is the point,” Berkeley College Republican President Shawn Lewis wrote in response to upheaval over the bake sale.

"We agree that the event is inherently racist, but..." is also the GOP platform.

“It is no more racist than giving an individual an advantage in college admissions based solely on their race (or) gender.”

Right, of course! Just like saying eight black women are worth one white guy is racist against white guys.

Which is weird because I was always under the impression that black guy snacks (wait or was it black guys??) should cost 3/5 of the "normal" price.

One white, err, vanilla cupcake, please!

[image via Wonkette]

Fox News Outraged That Barack Obama Had The Nerve To Invite Black People As Guests, Not Servers, To His Birthday Party

While the economy continued its downward hell spiral thanks to Standard & Poor's (really, that's the best name you could come up with? Really?) very responsible decision to downgrade America's debt and grind it into highly toxic, spite-flavored tea leaves for Republican enjoyment, Fox News was busy thinking up the most offensive, racist headline their little brains could muster accusing President Obama of celebrating his 50th "birth"day instead of single-handedly creating jobs for every (white) person in America.

The nerve! No, no, not Fox News equating a celebrity-studded backyard birthday BBQ in the White House Rose Garden with some kind of secret Muslim anti-employment Socialist Black Panther rally where they do scary "black people things" like listen to "hip-hop" and eat char-grilled burgers. Why, Barack Obama celebrating his five decades on this planet with actual black people, instead of just old racist white men who watch Fox News all day, of course!

Ugh, I mean, why didn't this barbecue party create jobs? The least he could've done is hire some Fox News viewers to flip burgers and re-fill beer glasses. For Christ's sake, why is Obama always pallin' around with black people, anyways? Why can't he party with some employed people like Ted Nugent for a change, or does he only like musicians who are black, blind and talented?

Maybe if he had some more white people there, other than Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and the scores of similarly milky-hued people in attendance, they would accidentally create some jobs while Obama parties?

Point is no one knows. What Fox News does know, however, is that black people are not allowed to have money or parties or fun or BBQs unless the white people in the country get their money and parties and fun and BBQs first. It’s like this Negro President of ours STILL cannot remember the rules!

Maybe Fox would have better luck if they put it into rhyme over a phatty beat.

Finally, their first real job!

Michele Bachmann Signs "Marriage Pledge" To Stay Away From Porn, Gays & Revert To The Good Ol' Days Of Slavery

Aspiring Insane-Person-in-Chief and tragic illiteracy victim Michele Bachmann will not sign dumb, 1000+ page bills helping stupid poor people (or pesky sick kids) get health care, mostly because she's too busy channeling her lovely kindred spirit serial killing clown John Wayne Gacy and also because anything over three pages double spaced 16-point font makes her very uncomfortable. Like gay people uncomfortable!

What she will do, however, is sign one of those ridiculous pledge things, like say one called "The Marriage Vow," where she promises to never make sinful sexytime with her husband (haha like he has "straight people" sex anyway!), defend the sacred union of one miserable man to one miserable woman like Jesus intended, hate Islam, and pop out as many precious li'l miracles of God as a porn-less, loveless marriage with a closet case will allow.

Unfortunately, like most things Michele Bachmann is involved with, but has no idea what the hell she is doing or saying, this particular Marriage Vow pledge was also slightly problematic, probably because the very first point of the pledge makes some terribly racist statement about how it was better to be born a black child of slaves than a black child under Barack Obama.

“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President,” is the first bullet point on the vow's preamble.

Nothin' wrong there, amiright?

Oh, what, like that's a big deal!

See the thing is all the distasteful, awful stuff about the advantages of slavery for black youth was only in the preamble, which apparently doesn't count as part of the actual document, because like, c'mon, who actually reads those silly things anyway?

Certainly not Michele Bachmann!

In her nutty world, "We the people...have no use for preambles."

From Politico:

A Bachmann spokeswoman said earlier Saturday that reports the congresswoman had signed a vow that contained the slavery language was wrong, noting it was not in the “vow” portion.
“She signed the ‘candidate vow,’ ” campaign spokeswoman Alice Stewart said, and distanced Bachmann from the preamble language, saying, “In no uncertain terms, Congresswoman Bachmann believes that slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible.”

But not quite as horrible as aligning yourself with a faux "family values" wingnut hate group that spells its name “FAMiLY LEADER.” Or for that matter, as horrible as being someone who is so against gay marriage, she ended up in one!

Either way, Michele Bachmann is officially the first presidential candidate (if we can even call her that) to sign this dumb thing, created by The Family Leader and it’s Chief Executive Officer of Ridiculous-Sounding Names, Bob Vander Plaats.

Presidential candidates who sign the pledge must agree to personal fidelity to his or her spouse, the appointment of “faithful constitutionalists” as judges, opposition to any redefinition of marriage, and prompt reform of uneconomic and anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy and divorce law.
The Marriage Vow also outlines support for the legal advocacy for the federal Defense of Marriage Act, humane efforts to protect women and children, rejection of Sharia Islam, safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. military service members, and commitment to downsizing government and the burden upon American families.
In addition, candidates are asked to recognize that “robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.”

Okay ladies, toss off those burqas, throw away your Korans, and start popping out all the babies you can fit inside you, for America.

And then elect Michele Bachmann for president of the UNiTED STATES of America Jesus so she can take this country back from whoever ran away with it.

A literate, charming black man whose fine chocolate ass a certain M. Bachmann cannot stop obsessing over every waking hour of every day.

No, no not Michele, silly! Heavens forbid! We're talking about her husband, Marcus of course!

How Do You Know You're In Alaska? The Writing's On The Wall!

Ah, Alaska, where the snow comes whipping down the plain and year-round, sub-zero winter causes pain!

The majestic land of scantily populated outcasts, grizzled mainland failures, migrating moose, and money-grubbing half-term governors of God 'n guns, whose idea of publicly funded art isn't a sidewalk mural or main street sculpture, but misspelled, grammatically incorrect chickenscratch scrawled on a bathroom stall at the Ted "The Internet is a Series of Tubes!" Stevens International Airport in Anchorage.

Move over, New York, avant-garde has gone North to Alaska!

Just check out the impromptu haiku of hate etched for all eternity with a permanent black magic marker, perhaps in an artistic nod to the permanently black magic Muslim illegally occupying the once-pure White House, along with the elitist, liberal replies of other Anchorage airport bathroom patron-artists:

OBAMA'S The problem
30 caliber Hollow point
is the answer

Racism dies a slow death

It’s okay to be conservative.
It’s a pity to be stupid.

Go back to Wasilla

Welcome to Art Interpretation 101, frozen wasteland edition!

Hmm, so the person, no, make that the Michelangelo, who graffitied the stall thinks Obama is "The problem," and naturally would like to eradicate the problem (aka kill the president of the United States) with the best, most lethal, maximum damage, internal organ, bone and tissue destroying bullets money can buy.

This is pretty much standard procedure for the state that very briefly elected to governor a woman who murders defenseless animals from airplanes in her spare time and puts crosshairs (err, excuse me, I mean surveyor's symbols) on pictures of her pretend enemies such as elected congresspeople from that other terrible, no-good, elitist political party.

Which brings us to the first peanut gallery response, "Racism dies a slow death," likely a comment on the obvious racism of the original statement, because everyone knows racism isn't anywhere close to receding, particularly in the wonderful frozen tundra of our Nothernly neighbor, Alaska, where the only things black are the bears and delicious, unrefined petroleum oozing into Prince Edward Sound.

As for the genius who thinks it's "okay" for people to be conservative, i.e., want nothing more than the president to be gunned down with "cop killer" bullets, but simply cannot stomach neglecting to properly punctuate the end of a sentence with a period, I say kudos! Never mind that this freelance artist/renegade restroom grammar patrol chose to add a period to the end of the second sentence, while completely ignoring the first sentence (“OBAMA’S The problem”), as well as the random use of upper- and lower-case letters and awful spelling/penmanship sprinkled throughout.

Apparently, “Stupid” is relative in Alaska.

Arguably the most succinct, cogent commentary on the Obama Hollow point death wish is “Go back to Wasilla,” which at this point, is pretty much all we can hope for.

That or the "For a good time call 1-800 BRISTOL" instruction written right above it delivers as promised.

On the bright side, at least foot-tapping isn't the only thing Republican men do in airport restrooms.

Quick someone tell Larry Craig, the pen is mightier than the sword, wink, wink!

Offensive, Racist Emails About Obama's Birthplace? Just (Monkey) Business As Usual For The Republicans!

When not participating in their other favorite pastime shrieking Muslim slurs at frightened children and their families attending a charity event, conservatives in Orange County, California typically return to their good, old fashioned racist roots in the form of some hilarious black-president-is-a-Socialist-monkey-from-Kenya email, picture, or other awesomely bigoted internet-related humor.

And guess what people?? They're getting better at it!

“It’s much more racist than the watermelon email,” a county party official said. Can you say mission accomplished!?

Thanks to the bitter old lady talents of one elected member of the Orange County Republican Party, ancient GOP official Marilyn Davenport, life for the gross, hell-bound, eternally damned gays isn't the only thing that gets better these days.

Life is also improving for terrible hate-filled lunatics, white supremacists, world famous dentist-lawyer-real-estate-agent-birther-freakshows named Orly Taitz, and of course those lovely pillars of the community like Marilyn Davenport who enjoy sending emails with the words, "Now you know why no birth certificate," accompanied by an Obama family portrait showing them as apes with Obama's face plastered on a baby chimpanzee.

OH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"I simply found it amusing regarding the character of Obama and all the questions surrounding his origin of birth," Davenport wrote. "In no way did I even consider the fact he's half black when I sent out the email. In fact, the thought never entered my mind until one or two other people tried to make this about race. . . . I received plenty of emails about George Bush that I didn't particularly like yet there was no 'cry' in the media about them."

So true. Leave it to the liberal mainstream media elites to ignore all the horrible, meany, racist jokes bein' sent around about America's first (and only!) conservative white Christian cowboy president of special needs.

Reached by telephone and asked if she thought the email was appropriate, Davenport said, “Oh, come on! Everybody who knows me knows that I am not a racist. It was a joke. I have friends who are black. Besides, I only sent it to a few people–mostly people I didn’t think would be upset by it.”

Like white people, duh! Besides, everyone knows black people are monkeys, but everyone also knows monkeys are awesome and adorable, so it's totally not racist. This is how jokes work, especially when you're a miserable old 80-year-old wretch who hates anyone whose skin tone does not rest comfortably between skim milk and marshmallow fluff.

Just ask longtime Orange Country (read: no blackies welcome!) Republican activist Tim Whitacre, who defended Davenport because that is what white people who hate black people do for each other.

"Marilyn Davenport is a staunch, ethical Republican lady. There is nothing unethical about this from a party standpoint because it wasn't sent out to the party at large with any racist statements and it wasn't signed as a central committee member. As a private individual, she is just real big on Birther stuff. One of her passions that drives her is the president's lack of forthrightness about where he was born. Marilyn believes that nobody knows where he was born and so this picture says a thousand words."

"She is not a perfect lady, but she is no racist. She is a gentle person who would feed you, help you, be there for you if you were in trouble. She is known as a pleasant, loving person, and it kills me that she is being attacked by this non-story knowing her mindset."

As an unhinged nutjob who no likey brown people?

Another GOP official, who also asked not to be identified, said that Davenport is "a really, really sweet old lady so I am surprised to hear about this."

For the rest of the population however, racist black-people-as-monkey jokes should probably be left to those not elected to represent one of the nation's two biggest political parties, like say those delightful patriots who named their movement after a sexual act involving testicles being (willingly or unwillingly) dipped in another participant's mouth.

Scott Baugh, chairman of the OC Republican Party, called the email tasteless, saying, "When I saw that email today I thought it was despicable. It is dripping with racism and it does not promote the type of message Orange County Republicans want to deliver to the public. I think she should consider stepping down as an elected official."

Michael J. Schroeder, an Orange County resident and former chairman of the California Republican Party, also said he was disgusted.

“This is a three strikes situation for Marilyn Davenport,” Schroeder said. “She was a passionate defender of former Newport Beach City Councilman Dick Nichols, who stated that he was voting against putting in more grass at Corona del Mar’s beach because, he said, there were already ‘too many Mexicans on the beach.’ She was also on the wrong side of the fence with the Los Alamitos mayor and his White House watermelon patch picture. Now, she has managed to top both of those incidents by comparing African Americans to monkeys. She has disgraced herself and needs to resign. If she doesn’t, the Republican Party must remove her.”

Remove her?? Haha, puh-lease! C'mon, do you even know the Republican Party? The racist li'l lady deserves a promotion!

Good thing, Marilyn Davenport knows sending racist emails is nothing to get worked up about.

"That being said, I will NOT resign my central committee position over this matter that the average person knows and agrees is much to do about nothing."

Unlike a certain monkey man from Kendonesia's birth origins, I suppose.

Quick someone alert the Donald! Looks like we just found him the perfect (non-primate) running mate.
Hey, The Marilyn Davenport, guess what you're hired!

Turn your hearing aid up, I SAID, YOU'RE HIRED!!!

What are you a monkey brain or something??

Donald Trump: "I've Always Had A Great Relationship With The Blacks!" It's "The Brains" He's Always Had Trouble With!

Yo, yo, wassup America? Dis here's da Donald comin' at cha live and in (unnaturally orange) color. So fresh and so clean, cause you know that be how the Trump Daddy rolls!

So what's got Trump Dizzle trippin, you ask?

Lord knows it ain't for lack of scrilla, amiright? Holla!

Thankfully, all's good with the green, but there is another, much darker, much scarier color that's giving the Donald some trouble, and for once it's not his fake bronzed, electric sun-kissed wife!

“I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks. But unfortunately, it seems that, you know, the numbers you cite are very, very frightening numbers,” Trump said when asked about Obama’s sky-high support among African Americans during a radio interview.

So true! All the other brothas be all over Barry like white on rice, what up wit dat!?

Trump said the numbers were troubling and pointed to Hillary Clinton as proof that he probably won’t get the kind of support among African-Americans that he deserves.
“I tell it like it is,” Trump said. “[Y]ou’ll hear a political reporter go on and say it had nothing to do with race. But how come she had such a tiny piece of the vote? And you know, it’s a very sad thing.” [...]
Radio host Fred Dicker said, somewhat rhetorically, that votes should always be based on merit, not on race.
“If that were the case, why did Hillary Clinton do so poorly?” Trump asked.

Yeah, now that you mention it, why did Hillary do so poorly with Trump's BFF "The Blacks??"

Tsk, tsk! And to think, just when we were finally starting to make progress by actually electing a white person to the presidency, "the blacks" had to go and ruin everything!

For the love of luxury rentals, when will a poor, suffering white guy like Donald Trump ever be allowed success at anything?

Maybe when the African American community wakes up and heeds Trump Diddy's wonderful, sound advice not to vote for the half-black guy they actually agree with, but for the funny-looking dude with something resembling road kill perched atop his head, who refers to them as "the blacks," instead.

Until then, guess what, "The Blacks?" You're fired!

Teabagger Dude's Got 99 Problems, But A Brain Ain't One!

As you probably already know, the state of the nation can be accurately assessed by reading the fine print between the lines of America's most trusted, new journalist, the old, rusted-out, 1970s Toyota camper parked outside a local Burger King.

And on this great, new canvas of freedom comes all the poetic brilliance and artful expression you'd expect from someone with the subtle wit, keen intellect, and teabags caffeinated enough to call our half-black president a monkey with no intelligence, while misspelling every other word plastered on his vintage creepy pedovan.

“MONKEY MIND OBAMA THE GREAT SATAN, AND THE CHANGE HE PROMISED YOU.” A sentence for the ages.

Ignorant fools! Unlike this pillar of the community and resident Einstein who lets his automobile do the talking, instead of grunting like some gross gorilla mouth who needs a magic Jesus scroll machine to remind him of all the big, more-than-one-syllable words written in his speech.

Well, this guy doesn't need no stinkin' teleprompter to remind him of "THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT"

Give me a tank top or give me death! Just like the Constitution says. Besides, everyone knows sleeves are for pussies!

But did you know that UFO's are the ANGELS IN THE BIBLE? The ones who DID ALL THE MIRACLES? Eww, perverts!

You might think God loves man, the being He created in his own image, the very bestest. You'd be wrong, ya monkey brain morons!

Most blessed are the UFOs, for they shall inherit the Earth, once it has been destroyed by heathen hippies, homos, and humans for Hussein NObama.

Even more impressive than this recreational vehicle owners' spelling and grammar skills is his uncanny insider knowledge of the intimate details behind Obama's swanky, secret White House soirees.

“OBAMA HAS BOOSE PARTY’S EVERY OTHER DAY (AVERAGE) AT THE WHITE HOUSE, GIVEING EVERY-ONE $150 STEAKS (IMPORTED) TO EAT," Fox News' newest ace reporter, the worn-out Winnebago explains.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, TEN MILLION DOLLORS? OF OUR TAX MONEY? ON BOOSE AND STEAKS?

Impossible! No way! C'mon, that sounds sort of like something an American would do!

That said, someone really ought to tell Donald Trump he may be trying a bit too hard with his new campaign tour bus. Just a tad.

The State Of The Nation Is...A Bunch Of Angry White People Shrieking At Muslim Kids Going To A Charity Event For Battered Women & Homeless People

Here in America, there are some otherwise seemingly normal people who, upon, hearing the word Muslim, or seeing an actual woman wearing a burqa, suddenly morph into shrieking mindless mobs of ignorant, intolerant bigoted red, white, 'n blue wretches who just can't help but hurl racist, vile things (preferably through a megaphone) at innocent young children and their now-obviously terrified families.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Just last month, a Muslim group (gasp!), the Islamic Circle of North America, sponsored a charity event to raise money for women’s shelters and fight homelessness in Orange County.

And as one would expect with anything even remotely Muslim-y, throngs of protesters, many of the Teabagging variety, stormed the event because they hate battered women, homeless people, feeding the hungry, all Muslims, because two of the event's keynote speakers, Imam Siraj Wahhaj and Amir Abdel Malik Ali, are controversial; one was once listed as a co-conspirator in 1993 World Trade Center bombing (he was never charged), and the other once said he supports Hezbollah.

Of course, things changed once the patriotic, freedom 'n harassing children-loving protesters saw actual Muslim-American families walking into the Yorba Linda Community Center. Then, they just couldn't help themselves and dropped their alleged protest of the two men to spew vile, ethnocentric slurs through megaphones at any and every chocolatey-hued man, woman, and child who passed through, masquerading as actual Americans, not the secret Muslim terrorist Jihadists they really are.

I mean, it's not like they're yelling at little kids or anything, they're yelling at future terrorists!

Unfortunately for the Muslim families and children in attendance, ICNA spokesman Syed Waqas' insistence that the protesters "should know the facts. We have no links to any overseas organization. We absolutely denounce violence and terrorism" fell on deaf ears, because it is kind of hard to hear anything while frenzied mobs of unhinged people are chanting, at the top of their lungs, "Go home, terrorists. We don’t want you here. Go beat your women” and "Muhammad is a child molester," "Muhammad is a pervert."

Oooh, isn't it just great to be an American, folks!?

"This is not about hate. We are not hate mongers," said Karen Lugo, one of the not-at-all-Islamaphobic speakers shrieking about the constitutional right of Americans to take away the rights of Muslims, outside the community center.

One organizer, Steven Amundson of Huntington Beach said, "A week and a half ago I would have been happy to have six people show up. It's not right for terrorism to come to Yorba Linda. I always stress the need to be peaceful and positive."

So everyone please back the f up while so ol' Steven over here can exercise his First Amendment rights to yell racially charged obscenities at frightened first graders and their parents.

It's what Jesus Would Do!

Salon’s Glenn Greenwald comments:

I think what was most striking about that video is that the presence of small children didn’t give these anti-Muslim protesters even momentary pause; they just continued screeching their ugly invective while staring at 4-year-olds walking with their parents.  People like that are so overflowing with hatred and resentments that the place where their humanity — their soul — is supposed to be has been drowned.

In a star-spangled vat of Glenn Beck's tears, presumably.

For all those able to sit through this video in its entirety, and are now left feeling depressed, dumbfounded at the crazy state of the country, and consumed with a sudden urge to crawl under a desk and sob in the fetal position...

Go hug a Muslim. It'll make you feel better.

Friendly Georgia Town Hall Crowd Wants To Know When Someone Is Gonna Shoot President Obama, Already?

Notorious Republican nutjob Rep. Paul Broun of Georgia is known for saying and doing the most batshit crazy things that make even the most deranged, unhinged, recently escaped mental patients seem downright cool, calm, collected, and fit-as-a-fiddle in comparison.

So it should come as no surprise that the same Georgia Peach who refused to attend the President's State of the Union address and instead sit in his office and Tweet about how NObama doesn't believe in the Constitution because of Socialism or whatever, would later host a KKK rally Town Hall meeting where constituents ask not about the economy, jobs, budget, or even the obvious, which Muslim country America should bomb next, but rather, which brave American patriot of tea and freedom is going to finally rid the nation of that no-good secret Muslim Kenyan Terrorist President Obama?

Normally when an esteemed member of Congress meets with his or her constituents, he or she is shot in the head by some lunatic with a grudge and a semi automatic Glock 19mm in their back pocket, but because President Obama gave a speech making America civil and nice again, and this being Georgia not Arizona, no one actually did anything. They just joked around and fantasized about it, like normal, decent people who want to kill terrible, scary, chocolate-skinned presidents.

According to eyewitness Patsy Harris, a Morgan County Democrat who was sitting in the second row, congressman Paul Broun asked audience members who had driven the farthest to be there and let the winner ask the first question.

His exact words were “Who’s going to shoot Obama?” There was a lot of laughter, and a guy behind me said “We all want to.” There was more laughter. I was furiously writing notes and didn't look up to see Broun’s reaction, but it was not until the laughter died down that Broun then said, “Next question.” That elicited more laughter.

Oh, hahahahahahahaha! Murdering the president! OMG, now that is funny! Betcha ol' Paul thinks so too! So funny, in fact, that he totally forgot to condemn the question (because like who doesn't think about assassinating world leaders, right?) but simply agreed that people hate the president. Especially ones who can't even spell preznent!

The thing is, I know there’s a lot of frustration with this president. We’re going to have an election next year. Hopefully, we’ll elect somebody that’s going to be a conservative, limited-government president that will take a smaller, who will sign a bill to repeal and replace Obamacare.

Ugh, we have to wait all the way until elections?? No fair! Okay, okay, fine, if we can't use our God-granted 2nd Amendment remedies, I suppose we'll just have to resort to pulling the trigger on the voting lever instead.

Then, God-willing, we’ll elect somebody who is white and hates equality almost as much as health care for poors.

Somebody like Paul Broun, even. Then there won't be any need to shoot anyone point blank in the head!

Unless the damn Yanks start aggressing again. Then, he'll see if he can maybe get someone to shoot the president, okay?

Until then, the rest of us would be wise to heed a certain desperate, Alzheimer's-ravaged maverick John McCain's hysterical warnings to "complete the danged fence!"...at the Mason-Dixon line.

Rush Limbaugh Goes "Ching Chang Chong" On Air To Make His Wallet Go Ka-Ching On Land!

Miraculously shrinking ball of pills, polysaturated fat, and hate, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, took a break from his usual job shrieking at pussy Democratic Congresswomen for getting shot in the head (haha dumb bitch!) by a lone, crazed Glock-toting madman to give the American people the one thing they've been missing all these years: half a minute of cartoonish "CHING CHANG CHONG" sounds by a pathetic slob with a microphone doing his best race-baiting caricature respectful impression of visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao, as might have been featured in, oh, I don't know, an old movie or ham radio show from the first half of the last century.

With an extra special bigoted swipe at gross gypsies as a special thank you for making Rush the richest and fattest racist rightwing radio slob this side of the Pacific.

"We're not gonna gyp Fox," Rush Limbaugh said. "I wanted to gyp it because the -- well, the -- Hu Jintao, he was speaking, and they weren't translating. They normally -- you have some translator every couple of words. But Hu Jintao was just going ["CHING CHANG CHONG"]. Nobody was translating. But that's the closest I can get."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, OMG, stop it, Rush! You're so right! Chinese people sure do talk funny!

It's even funnier after half a bottle of Oxycontin and two buckets of the Colonel's original recipe fried chicken smothered in gravy with a side of biscuits 'n slaw. Extra butter.

Rush Limbaugh 是个傻逼！

That's "CHING CHANG CHONG" for worthless, disgusting, Double Down chowing, fat racist man does something disgusting, fat and racist. And no, we don't mean Chow Yun-Fat.

Can't we just stick a Made in China sign on this worthless sadsack and sell him at Walmart?

Dude's already got the toxic, hazardous-for-your-health part down pat.

Sarah Palin Celebrates Martin Luther King Day By Honoring The Closest Thing, Herself!

The long-lost, kindred spirit of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Dr. Sarah Louise Palin, Jr. Varsity Basketball Captain of Wasilla High, is just positive the good Dr. King would be sooooooo very proud of her (and her KKK rally!) for fulfilling his hard-fought vision of true justice and equality for all (white Christian males) on this most specialist of special days!

The day when all of America commemorates the life of a special black person, or, as he is called in Sarah's circles, "Socialist Kenyan Muslim Terrorist," who once copied Glenn Beck by giving a speech at the Lincoln Memorial about his dream of selling a billion copies of his dumb book, or something like that.

Yes, from her distinct oratory gifts, deeply ingrained sense of humility, decency, & justice, and complete dedication to something bigger than any one person, the betterment of all humanity, Sarah Palin and Martin Luther King are one and the same.

The similarities are simply uncanny! Let's take a closer look...

Public Speaking:
Martin Luther King, Jr. makes history speaking brilliant words from his heart. Eventually, gets paid (hellishly!) for it.
Sarah Palin makes a living getting (hella!) paid to read misspelled words she scribbled on the palm of her hand.

Honors:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Nobel Peace Prize, Presidential Medal of Freedom, Congressional Gold Medal national holiday, universal respect and reverence.
Sarah Palin: Reality Teevee Show (Canceled), Sarah-Palin-In-Your-Pocket Talking Keychain, President of incoherent nonsense on Twitterbook, universal "refudiation" (aka mockery and scorn).

Principles: 
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Stood up for what he believed was right no matter the odds. Boycotted the racial indignities the nation, particularly the American South, forced on its black citizens.
Sarah Palin: Stood up to the bullies in the lamestream media and public office who say terrible, meany things about her and/or her special needs precious li'l miracle of God, Trigger. Boycotted Bristol and Levi's sleigh ride to the altar.

Violence:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: “Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars."
Sarah Palin: "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” Violence is never the answer except when you're in a war or need to defeat Socialism or Muslims or Mexicans or Gays or Democrats. Never shoot anyone (who has a bigger gun than you). Shoot-to-kill absolutely everything else, especially the defenseless four-legged kind. "Don't Retreat, Reload."

Education:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: B.A. from Morehouse College, Bachelor of Divinity from Crozer Theological Seminary, Doctor of Philosophy, Boston University.
Sarah Palin: 60 credit hours, assorted community colleges (five) she attended in as many years, plus 1, errr, at least, she thinks (six)!

Assassination:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Assassinated by escaped convict James Earl Ray in Memphis.
Sarah Palin: Pretends her "character" is being assassinated at least once every news cycle, that isn't Fox News.

Crosshairs:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Unfortunately, was once in them (see above).
Sarah Palin: Unfortunately, when not looking through them, is usually drawing them on maps of districts where congressmen need to be taken out....With voting levers, silly!

Legacy:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: A martyr for the ages.
Sarah Palin: A martyr in her mind. 

I have a dream that one day all the federal offices, post offices and banks will be closed in honor of Sarah Palin. Until then, April Fool's Day will have to suffice.

Happy America Becomin' Less Racist Day, y’all.

Wink, wink!

Fox News Sued For Being Terrible, Racist Propaganda Peddlers, Aka Fox News

Fox News is a place where angry white men, unstable, born again recovering alcoholic/drug addicts turned gold hawking Mormon Messiahs, and washed up, bitter, fake blonde ex-Hooters waitresses go to make a quick buck blurting out whatever terrible, racist stuff about blacks, Arabs, Muslims, Mexicans, gays, women, Jews, gross poor people, that demon child NObama, elitist liberals, and anyone who isn't white, rich, and dumb as Doocy, as obnoxious and often as the constant 24-hour news cycle allows.

Which, as it turns out, is a lot! Because America's favoritest Fox News isn't just a place where people get paid 'n promoted for spewing hateful lies about minority misfits like dumb women who don't even dabble in witchcraft or spend their days convincing people not to touch the sinful place between their legs, or arugula-eating elitists whose brains function above special needs level.

It's also where a moderate black man with a Hispanic name can go to get fired from his day job as an actual reporter at a respectable news outlet for saying awful, bigoted stuff about Muslims, or say, the one black employee can get constantly harassed and discriminated against 'round the clock before suing the bejesus out of the company for everyone being racist assholes all around him, all the time.

Ooooh, sounds Foxy!

Harmeen Jones, a 32-year old Fox News technician (and token "black man") says he was fired from the network last year after complaining to Human Resources about the daily barrage of offensive remarks about anyone not perfectly snow white and Christian he endured while working at the most fair and balanced network in all the world, Fox News.

He's suing for $3 million, and claims he was even physically threatened by one employee, Damien Rodriguez, who got in his face and said, "I’m the reason you got hired, and if it wasn’t for me you’d be fired. You must think I’m a punk, we can take this to the streets."

Hmmm, is this because all black people are strong, scrappy types who settle their disputes the manly stud way, with two fists in the middle of a crowded intersection? Who knows? Could be, if Papa Bear says it is God damn it!

Here's a sample of some of the Fox News fun Jones had the distinct privilege of experiencing!

• While watching footage from a Tea Party rally, one colleague allegedly opined, "This is what happens when you mess with white people's health care."
• During the 2008 presidential campaign, Jones says two of his coworkers said they wouldn't feel comfortable having a black president. At that point one of men turned to him and allegedly asked, "Am I offending your blackness?"
• Jones also claims that on another occasion he was told, "You look like a gangster" and "You look like you're ready to shoot someone."

Jones also says his co-workers pretended not to hear him when he made transmission requests, and that his superiors denied his requests for paid training, while giving other, less senior white employees paid training. And when he finally complained to Human Resources, his co-workers called him a "snitch" and he was promptly called by Steve Cary, the Director of Operations, who allegedly told him, "We gave you a chance and you repay us by making complaints to HR? You are terminated."

Hasta la vista, blacky!

Because over at Fox News, the only color that matters is $weet green, so long as you're not some uppity negro crying racism every time some white network exec discriminates against you because of said blackness. Buck up Junior! This isn't MSNBC.

You wanna play with the big boys you better start acting like one! That means brush up on your hatred, practice reciting the 101 reasons why everyone should be terrified of evil Muslims (that every Fox News employee receives in their welcome packet!), and for Christ's sake, figure out a way to cover up that hideous chocolatey skin color of yours before you make everyone uncomfortable with such obvious, in-your-face blackness. It's just downright rude!

I mean seriously, who does Fox News have to screw (over?) to find a nice colored fellow with the decency to at least act like a white man, or enough dignity to let everyone else feel comfortable in their own white supremacist skin, when going about their daily task scaring the bejesus out of America, as the most popular #1 news program and Jesus-blessed, race-baiting, terrorist organization ever to grace the face of God's once pure, once all-white, now worthless, minority-muddled brown Earth.

Cause who needs facts when you've got fear?

Faux News: All The News That's Fit To (Mis)print!

Crazy, Racist Homophobic Tea Monster Carl Paladino Is Sorry For Offending Everyone With A Pulse, Even Freak Gays Or Weirdos Who Don't Enjoy Animal/Human Porn

Notorious New York hell monster Carl Paladino enjoys indulging in a few of life's simpler pleasures: sending mindblowingly offensive, racist emails about Barry NObama (lol, negro president!), hot girl-on-horse porno videos, beating up no-good, prying reporters askin' too many questions (maybe after he's governor, he'll answer your stinkin' questions!), and saying whatever terrible, vulgar, repulsive thing that happens to float into his slightly impaired, small, petty mind now.

Under normal circumstances, crazy ol' Carl would be able to say and do as many horrible things as his sweet li'l heart desires, without having to worry about apologizing to all those offended by his latest email forward of Obama with a bone through his nose eating watermelon or speech telling a bunch of Orthodox Jews how he thinks gross homosexuals are as bad as the terrible Muslims, minus the whole Pride Parade rubbing against each other in tight black speedos thing or whatever.

But now that he isn't just some dumb, queer bashing obnoxious New York schmuck nobody cares about, but the actual Republican gubernatorial candidate schmuck everybody loves to make fun of, Carl seems to be running into the problem of opening his big fat mouth when anyone is listening, let alone 20,000 cameras watching his every move. And when stupidity meets publicity, it is a recipe for disaster of epic Carl Paladino proportions.

An online news outlet in New York state has obtained dozens of emails, many of them racist and sexually graphic, which it reports were sent by Carl Paladino, the Tea-Party-backed Republican candidate for governor of New York, to a long list of political and business associates. One email shows a video of an African tribal dance, entitled “Obama Inauguration Rehearsal,” while another depicts hardcore bestiality.

Too bad it wasn't something more romantic like say softcore bestiality where the horse at least makes out with the woman before banging the bejesus out of her with his huge Paladino Palamino cock.

Because in Carl's bizarro, freaky world, some things are still sacred. Like sex with horses. This is a good and wholesome thing. Sex with people, on the other hand, is bad. Well, actually, sex with people is okay too, but only when it is one man plus one woman who is not your wife that you end up getting pregnant and then keeping the secret love child hidden for ten years. This too is a-okay!
What is not, however, as savory as sluts banging Shetlands, is of course sinful sodomites, particularly those with the disco balls big enough to flaunt their homosinuality up 'n down the once-pure, decent streets of New York City in some sort of terrible, twisted testosterone and testicle tranny parade, unfit for anyone's eyes, least of all, the innocent oculars of one distinguished gentleman, a certain Mr. Carl Paladino. Especially when talkin' to his good pals, them crazy Yids with the braids and the hats who hate fegalas, schvartze, and A-rabs too!

"I didn't march in the Gay Pride parade this year. My opponent did. There is nothing to be proud of in being a dysfunctional homosexual. That's not how God created us, and that's not the example that we should be showing our children - and certainly not in our schools," Paladino said.

"Young children should not be exposed to that at a young age. They don't understand, it's a very difficult thing," said Mr. Paladino. "And exposing them to homosexuality, especially at a gay pride parade - and I don't know if you have ever been to one, but they wear these little Speedos and they grind against each other and it's just a terrible thing."

A terrible, terrible thing I just can't, for the love of God, get out of my head for even one second. Not a single second goes by where I, Carl Paladino, am not obsessing over sweaty gay men laughing, thrusting, and gyrating on each other, muscles and genitalia bulging every which way, whispering Carl, Carl Carl...

Ayyyyyy fuggedaboutit! He's freakin' Carl Paladino, not some pussy faggot like yous freaks.

"I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family, and I don't want them brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option - it isn't."

Soz, I went ahead and got me two families to prove my God-blessed heterosexuality!

But that's not alllllllll!

So long as their money's still green and credit card's plastic, Paladino over here is still more than happy to make a quick buck off the queer freaks as Buffalo's gay club kingpin and personal landlord to all bar-hopping boy-seeking-boy types! He's no bigoted homophobe!

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, who doesn't care for those Speedo-wearing gays and their gyrating, actually used to rent space to two gay nightclubs in Buffalo. His son even ran one, Cobalt, Buffalo's onetime "gay club of the moment."

Carl Paladino freakin' loves the gays, got it?

And all those awful anti-gays things he's been saying to Brooklyn Super Jews and former Hooters waitress on Fox News? Well, he didn't mean any of it, really.

Of course he didn't mean "gays were lesser human beings" because they're gross and God hates them or anything, but simply that homosexuality is not an "equally valid and successful option" because of all the discrimination gay people face, especially from vulgar Teabagger pricks desperate to pick up the racist/homophobe/beastiality vote.

He sensitizes with the sick freaks, hell even his own nephew is one of them speedo-wearing, hip grinding deviants, and you don't see Carl marching over to his house, trying to smack some heterosexual sense into the poor bastard!

I am Carl Paladino, a father, a husband, a builder and a business owner. I am neither perfect, nor a career politician. I have made mistakes in this campaign - I have made mistakes all my life- as we all have. I am what I am - a simple man who works hard, trusts others, and loves his family and fears for the future of our State...
My personal beliefs are:
1) I am a live and let live person.
2) I am 100% against discrimination of any group. I oppose discrimination of any kind in housing, credit, insurance benefits or visitation.
3) I am 100% against hate crimes in any form.
4) I am in support of civil agreements and equal rights for all citizens.
5) My position on marriage is based on my personal views. I have the same position on this issue as President Barrack Obama. I have previously stated I would support a referendum by New York voters. I have proposed Initiative and Referendum so New Yorkers can decide important issues like this.
6) The portrayal of me as anti-gay is inconsistent with my lifelong beliefs and actions and my prior history as an father, employer and friend to many in the gay and lesbian community.
I am concerned with the future for all our citizens, gay, straight, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish and Muslim and Agnostic. If elected as your governor I will stand and fight for all gay New Yorkers rights...Please go to my website www.paladinoforthepeople.com to learn more detail about the issues including my staunch support for civil rights for all New Yorkers.

Including the right to view all the horse-on-chick porn your puritan heart desires. So the moral of the story is this: Gays, meet your new best friend and fiercest defender Carl PaladinObama.

Countdown 'til Carl Paladino comes skipping out of the closet in a tight black speedo, stiletto heels, and hot pink boa singing RuPaul's "You Better Work" a cappella, snapping his fingers fiercely across his body and blowing air kisses every which way, 3...2...1...NOW!

Gettin Jiggy Wit It: Big Pimpin' Mark Kirk Won't Let Dem Crazy Coloreds "Jigger" With His Pure, White Senate Election!

Everyone makes mistakes, Mark Kirk just makes a lot of them. Usually, at the absolute worst time possible. Like, say, two weeks before Senate elections, bad timing!

For the most part, Mr. Kirk has managed to keep his lies, distortions, exaggerations, and various f**k-ups out of the prying public eye, save for a few concocted claims about oh, I don't know, winning the Navy’s exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award (he didn't!), being a nursery care school teacher (he wasn't!), masquerading as a strapping, heterosexual man (he isn't!), all to stay competitive, locked neck & neck, packed tight (ooooh, just the way he likes it!) with sexy, smooth Democratic challenger Alexi Giannoulias.

But then suddenly, out of nowhere, Mark's Grand Old Penchant for being a no-good hypocrite, getting caught saying and/or doing terrible things, rears its ugly head, once again showing his true colors: WHITE! and threatening to derail Mr. Kirk's hopes of earning the distinct privilege of screwing over as many dumb, poor people as possible as the nation's new esteemed Republican senator from Illinois. Hooray!

In a secretly recorded (D'Oh!) phone conversation with various state GOP big shots, the always lovely Mark Kirk told state Republican leaders last week about his freakin' golden plan (eat it Blago!) to send "lawyers and other people to vulnerable precincts...where the other side might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

The "other side" of course referring to those unsavory characters who inhabit the "vulnerable precincts of Rockford, Metro East, and South and West Chicago," or as Mark Kirk likes to call 'em, scary people with black skin. Ya know, the kind of predominantly African-American neighborhoods where those dark, menacing forces in the form of minorities who aren't pure snow white, "might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

Jigga what? Jigga who?

Who knew that in addition to heroically trying to prevent voter fraud (by making it more difficult to cast ballots and suppressing minority voter turnout), Mark Kirk was also such a huge Jay-Z fan??  I personally had him pegged as more of a Vanilla Ice guy, but hey, guess the man is just full of surprises, right?

Big Pimpin' Kirk. He certainly's got 99 problems, but we all know a b*tch ain't one!

Of course, Mark's fabulous plan to send a bunch of suited-up Republican lawyers to question/harass the credentials of voters on Chicago's south side is in no way racist or anything, but simply a nice, Teabagger way of ensuring elections in this country are glistening clean, spotless, and 100 percent jigger-free.

At least someone has the basketballs big enough to stand up against the terrible widespread problem of voter fraud wingnuts are always shrieking about when not ranting about how The Gays, Muslims, and Blacky NObama are destroying America, despite the so-called Justice Department's finding virtually no evidence of any organized effort to skew federal elections.

But it must be true if Fox News says it is, right? Something about ACORN (or was it squirrels?) stealing all our votes in some menacing liberal plot to take over the world, one poor, disenfranchised neighborhood at a time.

So, ummm, a word of advice to Mark Kirk: unless you want your problems to keep getting bigger, or are brushing up your skills for your next gig as the state's best ditch digger, when trying to suppress minority votes via the big, bad BLACK vote rigger, it is probably best to avoid the word jigger, or any word ending in -igger for that matter, ya figure?

Unless you want people thinking the three K's in your name, MarK KirK, are no coincidence at all, and instead start jiggering around the letters until they get to a more appropriate name for a crazy cracker, like say, Mark KirKKK.

Hehe snigger!

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A Black Man Stealing My Election!