The Art Of War: 9/11 Children's Coloring Book Helps Make Learning (To Hate Muslims) Fun Again!

Howdy, America! If you haven't already realized, or have been living under a rock (let's call her Sarah Palin), the 10-year anniversary of 9/11 is fast approaching, which begs the important question, what are you doing to celebrate freedom this year? Other than the usual neighborhood Mosque burning/BBQ block party/toga fest, of course!

But, what about the little ones? Are they donning their finest red, white, and blues and sufficiently freaked out about being blown to bits by Muslim terrorists who hate freedom but love fiery jihadist death?

No? Well then, have we got just the thing for you! A delightful wingnut coloring book, "We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids' Book of Freedom" to remind the li'l whippersnappers who's with us (Christians!), who's against us (liberals!) and who wants to murder us all in a massive explosion of jet fuel and steel (Muslims!).

Now, the kiddies will never forget 9/11. And much like drunk Uncle Ray, they'll never forget what color terrifying Muslims destroying America and freedom should be shaded in either. Remember, children, the awful brown crayon is for Osama-y people and the beautiful peach color is for the American soldiers!

What they will forget however is that Bush and Cheney repeatedly ignored warnings about Osama bin Laden, and then used the 9/11 attacks as an excuse to dupe the dumb, unsuspecting public into a bloody, protracted war in Iraq for oil and corporate profits, because Crayola still hasn't figured out the best crayon to use when shading in evil.

Wayne Bell, publisher of Really Big Coloring Books, Inc., says that the book is a memorial tribute. "It is an informational piece to help educate children on events on 9/11." It is "a simplistic, honest tool."

Just like him!

Despite complaints that nearly all mentions of Muslims in the book are accompanied by the words "terrorist," "extremist," or better yet, "freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists," Bell stood by the book as an "honest depiction."

"The truth is the truth," Bell said. “We don’t show any broken bones or tissue or explosion of heads or anything like that. This isn’t near that.”

Yay??

What you will find is the accompanying text, which reads, “Children, the truth is, these terrorist acts were done by freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists. These crazy people hate the American way of life because we are FREE and our society is FREE.”

"It's unfortunate that they were all Muslim and that's the part people want to erase," Bell said. "I don't know what else you can call them."

How about Saudis? Or psychos, maybe? Though, as soon as li'l Johnny is done coloring, you can probably call them brown people, too. Or ragheads. Whatever you prefer!

Seriously, who doesn't love children’s coloring book history lessons, like why this time, it was the awful, no-good, freedom-hating Muslims, not the gross gays or greedy Jews, responsible for all the 9/11 death and destruction?

That way, you won't ever have to say to yourself, "wait, what color are Jews again?"

Oh well, time to go help my toddler color the picture of the bomb in tower 7. Also, the Christian cross at ground zero could use some filling in.

But, be sparing with your blue crayons, kids! You'll need those for the waterboarding pages.

See, isn't America grand? Instead of just being afraid of Muslims, you can be scared of coloring books too!

Peter King Hates Terrorism, Except When It Involves Irish People Who Love Jesus, Hate Britain, & Don't Mind Bombing Pubs Crowded With Civilians

It is no secret that Rep. Peter King of Xenophobia is no fan of that other royally-named King of Pop Michael Jackson and his perverted white gloved gyrations all over the place, thrusting his crotch every which way, titillating innocent women and children like some sicko sexual terrorist with even sicker dance moves.

But even more terrifying than Michael Jackson moonwalking over America's once-pure Christian morality, is that other creeping M-named menace to humanity: the terrible, no good Muslims!

And no one knows about The Growing Threat of Radicalized Muslims better than Long Island's own homegrown Irish Republican Army terrorist, Rep. Peter King, who as Chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, has decided to hold his own very special meetings singling out Muslim Americans for loving terrorism so much, just so he can spend endless hours telling them their religion is pure, uncivilized murder.

After all, everyone knows only Muslims kill civilians, right?

But the strange thing about King is that he used to looooooove terrorists. Not like the evil, Allah-loving, Jihad-y kind of terrorists, of course, but the good, Jesus-loving White-y kind of terrorists, like the Irish Republican Army, whose sexy slaying of civilians made him all hottttt 'n horny in the '80s.

Long before he became an outspoken voice in Congress about the threat from terrorism, he was a fervent supporter of a terrorist group, the Irish Republican Army.

"We must pledge ourselves to support those brave men and women who this very moment are carrying forth the struggle against British imperialism in the streets of Belfast and Derry," Mr. King told a pro-I.R.A. rally on Long Island, where he was serving as Nassau County comptroller, in 1982. Three years later he declared, "If civilians are killed in an attack on a military installation, it is certainly regrettable, but I will not morally blame the I.R.A. for it."

As Mr. King, a Republican, rose as a Long Island politician in the 1980s, benefiting from strong Irish-American support, the I.R.A. was carrying out a bloody campaign of bombing and sniping, targeting the British Army, Protestant paramilitaries and sometimes pubs and other civilian gathering spots. His statements, along with his close ties to key figures in the military and political wings of the I.R.A., drew the attention of British and American authorities.

The Secret Service investigated him as a "security risk" in 1984. That same year, as the Times writes, "A judge in Belfast threw him out of an I.R.A. murder trial, calling him an 'obvious collaborator.'"

Oh, what? That little thing? Like that's a big deal! Remember people, terrorism is like cholesterol. There's the good kind, European Christian Terrorism (ECT) and the bad kind, Arab Muslim Terrorism (AMT). And Peter King likes the good kind! So why don't you sue him? Besides, a little ECT is good for the heart and comes doctor recommended!

Who knows? Maybe Pete King will end up liking the so-called crazed radicals, Jihadists, and families of Muslim American 9/11 victims he marches into the committee room to testify at his AHH, SCARY MUSLIMS! hearings. Maybe he'll realize his virulent Islamaphobia is at best shamefully hypocritical, at worst dangerously naive, and that perhaps the nation would be better served not wasting taxpayer dollars holding hearings to investigate the radical Muslim bogeymen existing solely in Peter King's mind.

"What's radicalizing Muslim-Americans?"

Oooh, oooh, we can help you out with that one, Congressman King!

Drum roll, please!

Nothing is radicalizing Muslim-Americans, because Muslim-Americans aren't radicalized. Case closed. Problem solved!

So, what's radicalizing our Republicans?

Drunken Irish men armed with assault weapons? Repressed sexual desires? Unconscionable taxes on the richest 2%? A black man in the White House? Humanity's natural evolution towards progress, enlightenment, and a world where the King's Speech is an inspiring, uplifting Academy Award-winning tale about overcoming adversity, not some old white guy bashing Muslims to somehow prove he's the toughest and loves America the mostest.

Tsk, tsk. When is poor Pete gonna learn? It's survival of the fittest, not survival of the Sinn Féinest!

The State Of The Nation Is...A Bunch Of Angry White People Shrieking At Muslim Kids Going To A Charity Event For Battered Women & Homeless People

Here in America, there are some otherwise seemingly normal people who, upon, hearing the word Muslim, or seeing an actual woman wearing a burqa, suddenly morph into shrieking mindless mobs of ignorant, intolerant bigoted red, white, 'n blue wretches who just can't help but hurl racist, vile things (preferably through a megaphone) at innocent young children and their now-obviously terrified families.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Just last month, a Muslim group (gasp!), the Islamic Circle of North America, sponsored a charity event to raise money for women’s shelters and fight homelessness in Orange County.

And as one would expect with anything even remotely Muslim-y, throngs of protesters, many of the Teabagging variety, stormed the event because they hate battered women, homeless people, feeding the hungry, all Muslims, because two of the event's keynote speakers, Imam Siraj Wahhaj and Amir Abdel Malik Ali, are controversial; one was once listed as a co-conspirator in 1993 World Trade Center bombing (he was never charged), and the other once said he supports Hezbollah.

Of course, things changed once the patriotic, freedom 'n harassing children-loving protesters saw actual Muslim-American families walking into the Yorba Linda Community Center. Then, they just couldn't help themselves and dropped their alleged protest of the two men to spew vile, ethnocentric slurs through megaphones at any and every chocolatey-hued man, woman, and child who passed through, masquerading as actual Americans, not the secret Muslim terrorist Jihadists they really are.

I mean, it's not like they're yelling at little kids or anything, they're yelling at future terrorists!

Unfortunately for the Muslim families and children in attendance, ICNA spokesman Syed Waqas' insistence that the protesters "should know the facts. We have no links to any overseas organization. We absolutely denounce violence and terrorism" fell on deaf ears, because it is kind of hard to hear anything while frenzied mobs of unhinged people are chanting, at the top of their lungs, "Go home, terrorists. We don’t want you here. Go beat your women” and "Muhammad is a child molester," "Muhammad is a pervert."

Oooh, isn't it just great to be an American, folks!?

"This is not about hate. We are not hate mongers," said Karen Lugo, one of the not-at-all-Islamaphobic speakers shrieking about the constitutional right of Americans to take away the rights of Muslims, outside the community center.

One organizer, Steven Amundson of Huntington Beach said, "A week and a half ago I would have been happy to have six people show up. It's not right for terrorism to come to Yorba Linda. I always stress the need to be peaceful and positive."

So everyone please back the f up while so ol' Steven over here can exercise his First Amendment rights to yell racially charged obscenities at frightened first graders and their parents.

It's what Jesus Would Do!

Salon’s Glenn Greenwald comments:

I think what was most striking about that video is that the presence of small children didn’t give these anti-Muslim protesters even momentary pause; they just continued screeching their ugly invective while staring at 4-year-olds walking with their parents.  People like that are so overflowing with hatred and resentments that the place where their humanity — their soul — is supposed to be has been drowned.

In a star-spangled vat of Glenn Beck's tears, presumably.

For all those able to sit through this video in its entirety, and are now left feeling depressed, dumbfounded at the crazy state of the country, and consumed with a sudden urge to crawl under a desk and sob in the fetal position...

Go hug a Muslim. It'll make you feel better.

Ugh, Why Won't Obama Walk Around With His Birth Certificate Plastered On His Forehead, Or At Least A Tea Bag To Blend In?

If you thought being a black man in America was hard, try being a black president in America and let me know how that feels. You can't even begin to imagine the kind of nonsense the dude has to go through every single f-ing day, and that's not even including Orange Boehners in Congress, BP spillin' baby spillin' oil every which way, Bush's final "F You" to America (in the form of no jobs and no money), a war on terror in Afghanistan, a war on brown colored Mexican-y looking people in Arizona, a war on gross Muslims near Ground Zero and everywhere else within a million square miles, and all the bajillion other terrible things threatening to destroy our country now. (Fox News? A Republican majority?)

Just look at what the citizens of the bestest, most amazingest, God & freedom-lovingest nation ever to grace the face of the Earth think about that weird, dark man with the funny name now.

Eighteen percent of Americans think Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. Twenty-seven percent believe he "probably" or "definitely" wasn't born in the good ol' US of A, but somewhere far, far away like Kendonesia or something, and still Obama doesn't feel the slightest bit compelled to prove he is in fact a dumb, white Christian born in the middle of an Iowan cornfield like the rest of the Birther nation, who are not at all racist, just naturally suspicious of this black Hussein fellow claiming to be president.

While in New Orleans to commemorate something about Bush hating black people so much he drowned an entire city, President Barack Hussein Obama had the pleasure of sitting down with mainstream media extraordinaire Brian Williams to discuss what is really important (certainly not some dumb French city!) like whether it's true what everyone's saying, how he is really a secret Muslim terrorist Kenyan, etc?

Obama took a deep breath to gather his thoughts when asked if the poll reflected his inability to communicate with voters, "The facts are the facts. We went through some of this during the campaign — there is a mechanism, a network of misinformation that in a new media era can get churned out there constantly,” said a visibly annoyed Obama, referring to “birthers,” who have waged a guerrilla campaign questioning either the existence or the validity of his Hawaiian birth certificate.

“I will always put my money on the American people, and I’m not going to be worried too much about what rumors are floating around there.”

But what about the poll numbers, Barry! Brian wants to know why so many people don't know what he really is, like does he go to an actual Jesus Church? Or is he really a radical Muslim or Socialist Pagan Demoncrat like the polls say? And doesn't that make El Presidente nervous?

"I can't spend all of my time with my birth certificate plastered on my forehead."

And why may I ask is that? Because it doesn't exist?? Hmmm, is that it, Barry Soetero? Were you even born at all, or hatched from some primordial egg down in your real birth place in the SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL?

What other, terrible un-American, meany things did alleged president "Barack Hussein Obama" have to say during this sweet, sit down chit-chat with actual elitist, arugula-eating news person Brian Williams?

What?? He didn't watch Fox News superstar and maybe-going-blind gold-coin salesman Glenn Lee Beck's "Restoring Honor" rally to reclaim Martin Luther King's dream for freedom and a re-segregated America?

Haha, L-O-S-E-R!

What, were you too busy frolicking on Martha's Vineyard and "being focused on the long term, not on the Nightly News" to watch American legends Glenn Beck & Sarah Palin take back America with their loyal militia of obese people motorin' around on medicare scooters and mutterin' bout taxes, immigrants, and how the big bad gubmint's comin' for their guns?

“It’s not surprising that someone like a Mr. Beck is able to stir up a certain portion of [the American people]...That’s been true throughout our history.”

No duh! Why else would they be dressed in colonial costumes, waving Teabags around if they weren't fighting for the freedom to ignore the Constitution, if it means dirty A-rabs are allowed to build houses of worship (aka mosques, gasp!) in this country too?

No terror temples in their backyards, just mega churches and good, old fashioned American traditions like Koran burning bonfires and hate rallies!

Too bad Obama won't just mindlessly discriminate against Muslims and abandon the Constitution whenever dumb white mobs would like him to! He even thinks the 'slims should be able to build a dreaded mosque and community center near the sacred ground of an abandoned, old Burlington Coat Factory, and he's not even wilting in the face of criticism!

“I didn’t walk it back it all,” he said. “I was very specific with my team...The core value and principle that every American is treated the same doesn’t change. … At [a White House Ramadan celebration], I had Muslim Americans who had been in uniform fighting in Iraq. … How can you say to them that their religious faith is less worthy of respect? ... That’s something that I feel very strongly about.”

You are only allowed to tell gross gay and lesbians they are less worthy of respect and unfit for military service, which is reserved for respectable people like convicted felons, drug pushers, and sex offenders only.

He added, “I respect the feelings on the other side.”

Ugh, of course you do, Mr. let's all join hands and sing Kumbaya while swaying gently in the breeze. So by all means, feel free to hate haters! And if you want an effigy of his likeness, I'm sure the White House would be more than happy to provide it!

But if it's not it his suspicious Africany origins, his penchant for protecting stupid First Amendments like the freedom to be a terrible, terrorist Muslim, his ability to handle Gulf disasters without thousands of casualties and the submerging of an entire city (just some dead wildlife and a destroyed ecosystem nbd), or his uncanny tendency to stay cool, calm, and collected in the face of widespread idiocy, Sarah Palin's tweets, and reliving Dr. King's dream of equality with white supremacy rallies led by a fat white clown with delusions of divinity, just what, oh what, has the Grand Old Patriots all hot 'n bothered about this swarthy man who may or may not be Hitler, the Antichrist, and a Komodo Dragon with good oratory skills all rolled into one?

Oh, so that explains it!

As If The Cordoba House Wasn't Enough, Now The Muslims Are Coming After The Paul House Too!

A House Divided Cannot Stand, Even A House Of Pauls!

Ooooh, are America's favorite "Dr. R. Pauls" (as in Ron the elder and Rand the dumber) in the middle of a heated Muslim 'n mosque-fueled fight??

But how could Rand's deliciously red, Christian apple fall so far from father's tree? Surely, Jesus did not die for our sins only to see his favoritest wingnut duo o' docs disintegrate into a halal 'n hijab haze of father-son feud!

But which awesome Doctor Paul thinks those pesky Muslims should take their dang mosque and go back to Arabia, or wherever it is that A-rabs come from, and which one thinks the Cordoba House/Ground Zero Mosque controversy is "all about hate and Islamaphobia?" Hmmm, let's see, which one is trying to win a Senate seat in chicken-'n-freak-fried Kentucky?

Like any decent, true Republican trying to win a Senate race in the original land of Colonel Sanders secret spice and heart attacks in the form of bacon and cheese smothered between two fried chicken fillets, Dr. Rand Paul doesn't much care for those swarthy Muslimy types always tryin' to build stuff here in the Whites Only land of America.

"While this is a local matter that should be decided by the people of New York, Dr. Paul does not support a mosque being built two blocks from Ground Zero," Paul spokesperson Gary Howard said. "In Dr. Paul's opinion, the Muslim community would better serve the healing process by making a donation to the memorial fund for the victims of September 11th."

Eh, or just pulling a Heavens' Gate and collectively offing themselves in a mass effort to reach salvation aboard the Hale-Bopp comet to heaven. Either one really.

But noooooooo! Papa Ron just couldn't leave well enough alone, could he? No, Papa had to come along like some tree-hugging, arugula-eating liberal Muslim loving hippie, and insist the outcry is nothing more than bigoted, GOP-fueled anti-Muslim hysteria for political purposes.

"The outcry over the building of the mosque, near ground zero, implies that Islam alone was responsible for the 9/11 attacks. According to those who are condemning the building of the mosque, the nineteen suicide terrorists on 9/11 spoke for all Muslims," Ron wrote in a statement on RonPaul.com "This is like blaming all Christians for the wars of aggression and occupation because some Christians supported the neo-conservative's aggressive wars."

"It is repeatedly said that 64% of the people, after listening to the political demagogues, don't want the mosque to be built. What would we do if 75% of the people insist that no more Catholic churches be built in New York City? The point being is that majorities can become oppressors of minority rights as well as individual dictators. Statistics of support is irrelevant when it comes to the purpose of government in a free society--protecting liberty."

Well, well look who is suddenly all about protectin' freedom of gross Muslims now. Whatever is young Rand supposed to do? Certainly, siding with the terrible Islams (in enlightened Kentucky of all places) is out of the question, world-famous libertarian doctor daddies or not.

Sorry to disappoint ya, Pops, but he'll stick with whole hatin' an entire community instead. Kentuckians just looooooooove that kind of stuff. In fact they eat that shit up all day long, so long as it's before their daily dose of KFC's famous Double Down!

"I think reconciliation is best promoted by -- instead of having a multi-million dollar mosque -- maybe having a multi-million dollar donation to the memorial site, would be better for all," a semi-coherent Rand Paul said.

Or maybe even a multimillion dollar donation to his campaign (memorial site), since Ron and America's son, Rand, has had some trouble getting the Jesus freaks, Klansmen, and assorted other illiterate misfits who helped him win the primary to continue supporting him through the general election. Mainly, cause they're bunch of dumb rednecks with no money for anything anyway 'cept maybe the state's namesake variety bucket and a 40 oz or two at the local mini mart.

"Since Paul won the general election, he's had trouble keeping up the enthusiasm from his online activist base and tea party members. In a Facebook friend drive earlier this month, Paul's campaign aimed to get 100,000 people to sign up for his Web page — but fell about 40,000 people short," Politico reports.

Maybe cause he scares the bejeebus out of everyone, or at least anyone with actual money, like the greedy, media-controlling Jews and elitists always screwing things up for nice young people who hate blacks, browns, and anyone else not beautiful snow white like lovely Sir Rand over here.

"The fact that so much attention has been given the mosque debate, raises the question of just why and driven by whom?" the older, wiser Ron Paul writes:

In my opinion it has come from the neo-conservatives who demand continual war in the Middle East and Central Asia and are compelled to constantly justify it. They never miss a chance to use hatred toward Muslims to rally support for the ill conceived preventative wars. A select quote from soldiers from in Afghanistan and Iraq expressing concern over the mosque is pure propaganda and an affront to their bravery and sacrifice.

And the problem with that is? Sounds like Grand Ol' Politics as usual to me!

Desperate times (and/or desperate people) call for desperate measures.

Clearly, what Rand Paul needs to do now is tell the Teabaggers (and the rest of the neo-Nazis, skinheads, and birthers who support him) that the dirty ragheads are not only trying to build terrorist temples on the still-smoldering remains of patriotic, white power Christian Americans, but are also secretly building mosques in their large intestines, and the only sure-fire way to stop 'em is by immediately sending all their cash and money (eh, screw it, and gold jewelry, too!) to:

Dr. Rand Paul
National Board of Ophthalmology (aka a UPS Store in Bowling Green, Kentucky)
911 Muslim-Free Road
Bumblef**k, Confederacy, 91101

Doctor's orders!

Shakespeare's Sexy Twin, Super Sleuth Sarah Palin, Vomits On Her Blackberry & Calls It A Tweet, Again!

World-famous detective Sarah Palin is on a mission. A mission, this time, not from God, but She-Ra Princess of Power, to find out just who or what nefarious librul forces are behind the terrible hijacking of the term "feminist" (Muslims?), her favoritest phrase in the whole wide world, even if she doesn't really know what it means!

And Lord knows Shakesarah won't stop twitterin' nonsense 'til this ovarian-shrouded mystery is solved once and for all. That, or at least until the English language finally ups & quits and refuses to be embarrassed by this fast-fingered Arctic idiot anymore, 140-character limits be damned!

"Who hijacked term:"feminist"?A cackle of rads who want 2 crucify other women w/whom they disagree on a singular issue; it's ironic (& passé)".

For starters, what the dickens is a "cackle of rads?

Is it a post-new wave British punk band you've never heard of? The charming sound of boisterous laughter coming from the cool kids' table at Bristy's high school back in Wasilla? A terrifying clan of rabid hyenas scouring for prey on the African plains? Chemically reactive atoms, molecules, or ions laughing hysterically while coursing through your bloodstream to give you awful diseases like cancer? Perhaps a series of nonsensical words meaning nothing strung together from some illiterate idiot's Twitter feed, cause it sounds cool 'n funky, and might be worth a buck or two in the future? Slap that badboy on a t-shirt or on the back of Sarah's #1 Grandma mug, and voila, cha-ching!

Or could it be a cabal of freaky hippie-dippie femiNAZIS from Berkeley with hairy legs and underarms who actually believe that women should have the right to decide what to do with their own reproductive organs?

Ewww, gross. No wonder they're all probably angry lezzies since no man would ever want unsightly hair-filled "cackling rads" of vegans and feminist fury. Ha ha, c'mon now, nasty! That's soooooo five decades ago, or as Sarah would say, "passé." She even took the time to look up how to correctly spell that weird, foreigny word that sounds suspiciously French (maybe even Muslim!) on her blackberry, which seems like something an arugula-eating librul elitist might do, not a patriotic freedom-fighter like ol' Mama Grizz over here.

After all, accented letters are probably nothing more than terrorist plots to insert Islam into our language, or at the very least, to bring down English and replace it with some other horrible, tilde-rich language like Mexican or whatever.

But, in honor of the the 90th anniversary of women's suffrage, I suppose the new fearless leader for a woman's right to murder moose is allowed to copy and paste accented words she looked up on the internets when philosophizing on awesome lady issues (like, which color lipstick is best for a hunt?), or how to make lemon meringue pie out of getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your father. Hint: keep the special li'l miracle of God and be thankful you have anything at all, you ungrateful harlot!

Yes, the brave defender of whackjobs with breasts the world over will not rest until every last woman is denied the right to choose whether or not they want to follow in the footsteps of Bristol and have their own precious li'l miracle of one drunken night of unprotected sex in the back of Papa's pickup. So they can also give it some weirdo name before neglecting it for their burgeoning career starring in public service announcements telling poor people to pause before having abortions or sexytime (with Levi?) sans the jimmy hat.

But, still the question remains, how can a sound, such as a cackle want something, let alone do anything, like say, perform an actual crucifixion?

It’s "ironic!" she knows. (Eh, no it’s actually not.) You know what else is ironic in a not ironic sort of way? This same modern day, bra-burning Mama Grizzly turning her feminist fangs towards another helpless, innocent woman crucified by what could only be the same "cackle of rads" after St. Sarah herself.

This time, to help the lovely Dr. Laura Schlessinger flex her feminist mouth muscles in the form of the freedom to spew the N-word on her national radio program  as much as he she damn well pleases, because well, she's a woman, so everyone deserves to hear her roar racist rants.

Hear that America? Sweet Sarah will not sit back and allow Dr. Laura to be muzzled by a bunch of hypersensitive blacktivists who don't approve of a well-known racist dropping the N-bomb 11 times in five minutes to dismiss some dumb, dark-skinned caller’s concerns about the use of the word by her white husband. Umm, maybe next time you should stick to your own stupid race when tying the knot, if you're gonna be all “hypersensitive about color” and lacking “a sense of humor" whenever someone randomly starts shrieking that lovely, not-at-all offensive word that starts with N and rhymes with bigger.

You go girl! Keep empowering those women by defendin' their God-given right to hate black people (and Muslims!), and spew all the racist invectives their cold-white hearts desire on national radio shows, while at the same time bashing those dirty, insensitive Muslims for having the (falafel) balls big enough to build a mosque 4 blocks from hallowed, strip-club dotted Ground Zero and "collectively stab Americans, who still have that lingering pain from 9/11, in the heart."

Woohoo!

Maybe we could take the shackles off Dr. Laura and put them on the dang Muslims instead, so they can't stab White Christian America in the eye anymore for no reason, and Sarah can move on to other pressing women issues like how much you can mouth off before your hubby has the right to smack that dumb smirk right off your face? Answer: Just keep your stinkin' trap shut and speak only when spoken to, got it woman? Oh, and dinner better be waiting when he gets home or else someone's gonna be falling down the stairs again, capisce?

So, happy voting anniversary to all the pretty gals out there (sorry, uglies or fatties don't count as women in Sarah's book). Now get your big ol' behinds back in the kitchen where they belong and let Mama Bear handle the rest.

Don't worry, y'all! Your rights are in good hands, so long as you don't do anything stupid like get knocked up, go to college, get a job, demand equal pay, marry a black man, think Muslims deserve the same religious rights as everyone else, get offended by miserable white wretches shouting "N*gger" on air, have more than a working knowledge of the English language, or want to be represented by someone other than some asinine oxymoron-twitterin' fool, affectionately known to those with brains not Arctic slush between their ears, as a Foxymoron.

So remember ladies. Keep your hair styled, your hoohas ready, and never forget the those three heroes who dedicated their lives to make the world a better, more ism-filled place.

Sarah Palin = Feminism

Timothy McVeigh = Patriotism

Adolf Hitler = Altruism

Sarah Palin Continues To Prove Her Love For America By Showing Her Hatred Of Muslims

Sarah Louise Palin continues to defy reason, logic, our wildest imaginations, and even the basic laws of science on her national quest to make America a dumber, more hateful, intolerant place like her favoritest Russia or Alaska or whatever, by destroying it from the inside out.

Although, to be perfectly honest, one would probably gain more insight into pressing national issues and how our federal government should operate by miking up a wooden table or slice of cheese pizza and asking it questions instead.

Surely, you'd get more than nonsensical, rambling, incoherent, one-word answers that would perhaps be impressive coming from your three-year-old, rather than a full-grown (physically, at least) 46-year-old get-rich-quick-scheme swooping in from the snowy North.

But, lo and behold, the political juggernaut (slice of cheese pizza) known as Mama Grizzly cannot be stopped by prayers, wishes or even clicking your heels three times fast, alone.

Because much like Hurricane Katrina, the 2004 Asian Tsunami, 2010's Haitian Earthquake, or any other natural disaster of epic proportions, this furious Arctic gale wind is a force to be reckoned with. And the best you can do in the event of one of these natural catastrophes is get out of the way, duck & cover, brace yourself for impact, and hope for a miracle.

Sarah Palin Monday night chided President Barack Obama for his support of the right to build the proposed mosque two blocks from Ground Zero in New York, saying, “He just doesn’t get it."

OMG, he like totes doesn't get it! And contrary to what those arugula-eating elitists with their fancy college degrees from accredited institutions may try and tell you, SarBear knows, "Just doesn't get it" ≠ "My argument makes no sense." In fact, "just doesn't get it" is the go-to argument renowned religious studies & political science scholars like Sarah Palin prefer when "refudiating" dummy 'freedom of religion' hogwash by librul presidents who are also secret Muslim Terrorist Socialists.

“It sounds cliched to say that the president is disconnected from the American people on this issue, but how else do you describe it,” the former half-term Alaska GOP governor said on Fox News.

You are soooooooo right, Sar! There is simply no other way to describe the leader of the United States upholding his presidential oath, and defending the very principles this country was founded upon, than by using hackneyed catch phrases that don't really even mean anything to describe his imagined disconnect from ignorant snow drifter blabbermouths who hate everyone and everything that is not pure snow white and Christian.

You want to know who is not totally disconnected from the American people, though? Sarah Palin, that's who! Sure, she lives in the frozen middle of nowhere, thousands of rugged miles from where the vast majority of the other 310 million or so residents of this country live, but that doesn't mean she can't speak on behalf of all Americans, everywhere!

If God didn't intend for Sarah to be THE voice of America, why would He bless her with a hearty voicebox, and make talkin' senseless drivel her #1 bestest skill in the whole, wide world?

“He just doesn’t get it, that this is an insensitive move on the part of those Muslims who want to build that mosque in this location.”

Sarah Palin sure gets it alright! And she is certainly sensitive to the fact that the true greatness of America lies in the monochromatic beauty of its all-white citizenry who worship the same, respectable, monotheistic white Christian deity (like Jesus!), and would never ever commit any transgressions in the name of their God or religious beliefs, because theirs is the most perfect religion ever to grace the face of the Earth, and can do no wrong. Ever!

Those meany-I-don't-care-who-gets-hurt Muslims don't understand these Christian things like decency, compassion, and tolerance of those not exactly the same as you (hmmm, ignorant and white?). Why else would "those Muslims" demand the same constitutional protections afforded to the rest of the population, and the freedom to practice their religion just like everyone else in this country, if they weren't so selfishly insensitive to what uneducated bigots like Sarah want?

“If the purpose of this mosque, as we are lead to believe, is to create this tolerant environment, to avoid anything like a 9/11 ever repeating, you have to ask why didn’t one of those 100 [existing] mosques already accomplish such a thing,” Palin asked. “So I don't buy into that reason, that that's the purpose of this location being chosen."

Hear that, real America?? Sarah does not "buy" this whole hippie-dippie, we-come-in-peace, Muslimy veil of lies and terror!

No matter how many Muslims are decent, hard-working Americans like you and me, who just want to practice their religion peacefully, there are some among us, like Miss Alaskan wonder over here, who refuse to tolerate them, because well, they're still a bunch of jihadist heathens who'd like nothing more than the chance to fly another hijacked plane into some other crowded, landmark building in the middle of the world's most bustling metropolis, and fill the streets with blood and debris. Allah-willing, not on their block, but the other way, toward that other sacred block with the strip clubs, nudie bars, and peep shows.

Perhaps with some actual education, Sarah Palin could understand that “those Muslims” are Americans, too, not some evil anchor babies (all growd up) dropped off by the evil, al-Qaeda stork to hatch their nefarious terrorist plots across America, once they hatch from their terrorist protective shells in the basements of NYC mosques that used to be Burlington Coat Factories.

Then maybe she would also understand that the mosques already there get pretty crowded, and since real cities have lots of different people living in them, who are not just white and Christian, this might also be a good reason to put another one in this location. Besides, 101 is such a lovely number, just think of what it did for those Dalmatians!

Everyone loves dogs, even if they hate Muslims, right?

Besides, maybe this mosque will be the magic one that stamps out extremism, just like all those magic Jesus temples cropping up all over the country to combat pedophilia and the rest of the child sex abuse scandals once plaguing the Catholic church.

So, whaddya say Sarah?

“It feels like a stab in the heart to, collectively, Americans who still have that lingering pain from 9/11.”

Nothing compared to the tiny ol' pin prick it feels like for people who also love America, but simply want to be a part of their own community and practice their own mainstream religious beliefs like everyone else, without being called the evil murderers of people who used to work in said community by dumb airheads blown in along the cold currents of the Arctic circle.

Good thing Sarah's heart is so ice-cold solid, no machete in the world can penetrate its frozen outer shell. I mean, not even normal temperatures can thaw the darn icicle.

Which is good news for the rest of us, because who knows where this country would be if we all started taking advice on how best to restrict religion in the United States from an old slice of AMERICAN cheese pizza left in the freezer too long, otherwise known as Sarah Palin.

We'd surely be in some very deep shit dish, and likely smothered with goat cheese or something gross and Muslimy like that.

Bigoted Heroes Across Roadside America Demand Hitler's Evil Twin Barack Obama Promptly Resign Or Immediately Start Bashing Muslims

I don't know about you, but the first thing I think of when I hear the name Barack Hussein Obama is, without doubt, Nazi Führer Adolf Hitler right down the angry li'l Hitler mustache painted above his upper lip

For starters, "Barack" does sound sort of German, particularly if you've never heard a single German word in your entire life, and the two are like identical twins in every possible way.

Both were failed art students/successful law professors, masterminded the mass extermination of an entire race/masterminded accessible health care for an entire nation, both are Christian, have dark hair, human parents, good oratory skills, require food and air, and of course share a deep love for all discriminated minorities, particularly milk-white Aryans/muddled brown Muslims.

The similarities are endless!

Let's not forgot, both Hitler and Obama are responsible for high crimes and misdemeanors, with high crimes naturally being the same thing as "signed legislation passed by Congress that I don't like," and misdemeanors being secret code for "not saying & doing stupid things all the time like our last Grand Old President."

Of course, this latest Obama-Is-A-Nazi-Muslim-Terrorist-Who-Hates-America hysteria all started when Ayatollah Obama made it clear that he doesn't even believe the First Amendment's protection of religious freedom can be suspended or altered whenever Fox News and/or teabag-waving wingnuts demand it for whatever dumb reason they decide this time.

This bastard actually thinks that the First Amendment means even the most terrible religions like gross Islam should be afforded all the same protections as other beautiful, pure religions like Christianity, and to a lesser extent, even Judaism, which is obviously a few notches below.

Yes, Hitler NObama over here thinks it's just fine if Muslims want to build a mosque four blocks away from the hallowed site of an abandoned hole in the Earth known as "Ground Zero" because of lame constitutional "rights" or whatever, so now instead of something sacred and pure like a Burlington Coat Factory, or the various strip clubs, peep shows, off-track betting sites, and nudie bars already dotting the area, America, more specifically, lower Manhattan-venturing Americans will have to endure the pain and suffering of having to look at a horrifying Muslim house of worship and community center during their rush-hour commute to the closest AMERICAN Starbucks.

Good thing some people understand America's centuries-old freedom of religion cannot stand! Too many innocent people were murdered on that fateful, tragic 11th day in September, 2001 to ever continue abiding by the protections laid out in our 219-year-old founding document and basis of the very freedom and democracy this country prides itself on!

To really show the terrorists who's boss, we better abandon the constitutional promise of equality and freedom from oppression, and make America more like Obama's beloved Nazi Germany with a beautiful patchwork quilt of American hate-diversity, courtesy of the brilliant minds of current Grand Old Party leaders, and other anti-Mosque building, Muslim-hatin' freedom fighters.

These steadfast patriots of hate and bigotry understand that their reliable ol' standby of simple queer-bashing just ain't what it used to be, and since you can no longer win elections on anti gay-marriage sentiments alone, hatred, like everything else, too must evolve with the times.

Nobody cares about gay marriages now, but we still have to hate something or somebody or else it’s just not America, or at least not Newt's America.

And who better to hate than all Muslims everywhere because everyone knows anyone who prays to Allah is a secret terrorist waiting to blow themselves up in the middle of Times Square en route to a wild, all-night sexcapade with 72 virgins in the sweet hereafter of blissful Muslim martyrdom.

"You know, Nazis don't have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust Museum in Washington. We would never accept the Japanese putting up a site next to Pearl Harbor. There's no reason for us to accept a mosque next to the World Trade Center," Newt Gingrich told Fox News.

Yes, we would never accept a Japanese monument at Pearl Harbor, save for that one Shinto Shrine less than 5 miles from the resting place of the USS Arizona, and all the various Japanese community centers contaminating Honolulu...

But seriously, ugh! I mean why should we have to accept all these inferior, non-Christian heathens building their terrorist temples within our beautiful borders, from sea-to-shining-sea.

If only we lived in Nazi Germany instead of terrible, mosque-building, free America! Then we wouldn't have to deal with silly things like "free speech." **Shudder!**

And then maybe we wouldn't have to live under a despotic president who actually governs based on principles, not fear-based, hate-fueled, cheap, misguided political whims of those desperate for power.

Just look at what Adolf Obama said at Friday's White House dinner honoring the evil Muslimy fasting holiday Ramadan:

Recently, attention has been focused on the construction of mosques in certain communities - particularly in New York. Now, we must all recognize and respect the sensitivities surrounding the development of lower Manhattan. The 9/11 attacks were a deeply traumatic event for our country. The pain and suffering experienced by those who lost loved ones is unimaginable. So I understand the emotions that this issue engenders. Ground Zero is, indeed, hallowed ground. But let me be clear: as a citizen, and as President, I believe that Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as anyone else in this country. That includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances. This is America, and our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakeable. The principle that people of all faiths are welcome in this country, and will not be treated differently by their government, is essential to who we are. The writ of our Founders must endure.

OMG, this guy couldn't be any more like Hitler if he tried. They're practically indistinguishable from each other right down to their mutual love of constitutional protections, freedom, lederhosen and the Muslim community (wait, or was it Aryan?). Whatever, as long as it isn't those pesky Jews. Hey, anything's better than those greedy Torah-huggers, right??

And as if any more proof was needed that U.S. President Barack Obama and Third Reich psychopath Adolf Hitler are one-and-the-same, right down to the signature 'stash Teabaggers have taken upon themselves to draw on various Barry portraits appearing in neighborly demonstrations of communal bigotry in small, white towns across America, consider this little indisputable piece of evidence:

Basketball--Obama's #1 favoritest sport--was introduced into the Olympics in 1936. And do you know who hosted the 1936 Olympic Games?? ADOLF HITLER, that's who!! But, that's not even the half of it, mwhahahahaha!

Take the word "basketball," remove the "t," toss out the "ball" and what do you have?? BASKE, which is like almost the same thing as, and practically indistinguishable from MOSQUE.

Now, other than a birth certificate (or certificate of live birth) with the Führer's signature on the dotted paternal line, does a person really need any more proof than this?

Awwww, HEIL no!

John Boehner Will Not Stand For Some Classless Knight, Former Beatles Included, Bashing His Hero George W. Bush; But Torturing Muslims Is A-Okay!

You know what really squeezes the juice right out of John Boehner's sad orange face? Brings those tears splatterin' big, fat 'n hot right out his piercing baby blues?

No, not the distinguished former eight-year Republican President George W. Bush boastin' 'bout torturin' Muslims, hehe, while he was The Decider or how he would do it again in a heartbeat, if he had to, for like freedom 'n stuff!

No, no that is all fine and well, the crazy ol' cowboy! Gosh, don't ya just love this man? God bless the dumb bastard--those were some fine years, fine years!

What really grinds his abnormally glowing gears is when some widely idolized, knighted musical legend like say Sir Paul McCartney tells a well-established fact harmless joke about how Bush is dumb and Obama is smart and the Earth rotates 'round the sun, and it's nice to receive an award from someone who doesn't call your old band, "The Bad Ass Bugs," before peeing his pants laughing hysterically, hehehehe.

“Getting this prize would just be good enough, but getting it from this president..." McCartney gushed, praising President Barack Obama for umm, not being a retarded f-up among other things.

“After the last eight years, it’s great to have a president who knows what a library is,” McCartney joked after receiving an award  for his  influence on American culture.

Well this sort of tomfoolery does not sit well with neon Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, whose sharp humor extends only to drowning terrorist suspects, not pointing out glaring intellectual deficiencies of former Republican presidents who may not be able to pronounce nuc-u-lar, but sure as sh*t knows how to use 'em!

“Like millions of other Americans, I have always had a good impression of Paul McCartney and thought of him as a classy guy, but I was surprised and disappointed by the lack of grace and respect he displayed at the White House,” Boehner told HUMAN EVENTS. “I hope he’ll apologize to the American people for his conduct which demeaned him, the White House and President Obama.”

How dare you use the words George W. Bush and library in the same sentence!? Have you no decency? Tsk, tsk! For shame, Sir, for shame!

The only people who will demean Mr. Obama and/or the White House are Orange Boehners, born again Fox News mental patients, former half-term governors driftin' in on the Arctic current, swastika waving patriots who can't spell constitution so just dress like human bags o' Lipton instead, and of course all 218 Grand Obstructionist Party members proudly voting "No!" in Congress.

Because real patriots like John Boehner know being truly demeaning is not forcing suspected detainees to wear dog chains and create awesome naked human pyramids, but having a beloved cultural icon and one of the most popular musicians of all time say a terrible, MEANY comment about his favoritest former President, the wonderfully, mighty Republican president, George W. Bush, all because he can't read good!

Almost as torturous as having to take orders from some scary black Socialist community organizer from Kenya, instead of a semi-literate born again who swapped Jägermeister for Jesus en route to becoming God's chosen messenger to drown New Orleans, bankrupt America, and bomb Muslims, here on Earth.

The good ol' days! When Boehner and the rest of the Grand Old Puppets could proudly pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under W, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all none.

A fool's paradise: It's the American Republican dream!

The Un-PC Truth About Major Hasan's Schizo Rampage At Fort Hood

Major Nidal Malik Hasan, At Your Service

I hate to say 20/20 hindsight, but turns out there may have been some warning signs that unraveling Army psychiatrist Major Nidal Malik Hasan was hanging by a thread long before deciding to turn his simmering rage and frustration into one of the worst rampages in U.S. military history.

So basically the U.S. military and at least one intelligence(?) agency had Major Hasan on their radar and were well aware that he was an increasingly erratic, ticking time-bomb who openly professed his desire to see this infidel star-and-striped whore burn in fiery hell of apocalyptic proportions for years before deciding to rampage through Fort Hood, massacring 13 people in a haze of bullets, blood, and chaos.

I guess you could also say Hasan was a tad upset about his pending deployment to Afghanistan considering he would rather burn in the fire of a thousand infidels than defend this blood-sucking pox on the Muslim brotherhood we call America and warned senior Army physicians in 2007 that the military would be wise to allow Muslim soldiers to be released as conscientious objectors if they wanted to avoid "adverse events." Hmmm, wonder what he meant by that?

Not wanting to jump to any rash conclusions, however, investigators are still trying to "determine if the attack was motivated by the suspect's Islamic religious beliefs, which appear to have hardened markedly during the years he spent in the Army, or by other factors, like his anger over a pending deployment to Afghanistan."

It's so hard to tell sometimes! Never mind Hasan's growing disconnect, repeated attempts to reach out to Al-Qaeda, vocal justification of suicide bombings, poor performance reviews, and constant spewing of anti-American hatred during classroom presentations praising Muslims because "We love death more then [sic] you love life!"

"There were definitely clear indications that Hasan's loyalties were not with America," Hasan's classmate at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland, Lt. Col. Val Finnell said.

"When you are in the military and you start making comments that are seditious, when you say you believe something other than your oath of office — someone needed to say why is this guy saying this stuff."

"He was a lightning rod. He made his views known and he was very vocal, he had extremely radical jihadist views," Finnell said. "When you're a military officer you take an oath to defend against all enemies foreign and domestic."

"They should've confronted him — our professors, officers — but they were too concerned about being politically correct."

Of course Fox News' Bill O' Reilly concedes the sad PC truth that since we "can't kill all the Muslims" (I know, I know--lame!) we'll have to settle for winning as many hearts and minds of good moderate Muslims as we can, which means avoiding the term "Muslim terrorist" at all costs.

Which really grinds Papa Bear's gears! Considering official U.S. anti-terrorism policy is still basically "run around the Middle East for 10-20 years and try to kill all the Muslims," President Obama's supposed avoidance of labeling the attack an "act of terror" is simply outrageous and downright un-American!

In fact, it seems suspiciously like something a secret Muslim terrorist President would do.

Obama Declares Jihad On America By Wishing Muslims A Happy Ramadan

Oh no Barry, anything but this! Please tell me you did not make a videotape offering "best wishes to Muslims in America and around the world and wishing them 'Ramadan Kareem' on behalf of the American people."

The last thing you're supposed to do as President of America is give people more reason to believe you're in fact a secret Muslim terrorist, which is exactly what saying Muslim-y things like Ramadan Kareem does. As does explaining the significance of Ramadan to non-Muslim viewers or talking about Muslim culture in any way other than calling them a bunch of terrorists.

So basically rather than reassuring the jittery citizens of this great nation that their President is not a secret migrant Kenyan who praises Allah instead of Jesus, fifty million white grandmothers in America are instead opening their forwarded e-mails for the day right now and freaking the f**k out!

Sure Obama makes sure to mention his "own Christian faith" and the common values shared by all people regardless of religion, as if that really matters when the next words out of his mouth are some crazy Arabic phrase meaning "May Allah make your Ramadan observance generous." Has dear leader forgotten his middle name is Hussein and what country he lives in or something?

Obama then rambles on about what he considers issues of importance to the Muslim world (boring!), the universal rights of all people (yawn...), peace and security for Palestinians and Israelis (zzzzz...), building strong partnerships (yada yada) and seeking common ground despite our differences. Blah blah blah.

After what seems like forever, Obama finally concludes his Kumbaya video to the Muslim world by emphasizing his Cairo message of seeking common ground, the importance of listening to one another, and reiterating his "commitment to a new beginning between America and Muslims around the world."

"May God's peace be upon you."

This guy sounds like a total Nazi.

AirTran Offers Apology For Its No Muslim Policy

AirTran's Family Of Terrorists?

AirTran Airways officially issued an apology on Friday for booting a Muslim family off a plane for being, well, Muslim.

The families of Atif Irfan, a tax attorney, and his brother Kashif Irfan, an anesthesiologist, along with their three small children, sister, and suspiciously Muslim friend were politely "escorted" off a flight in Washington Thursday after a terrorist-patrolling passenger reported hearing Atif Irfan's wife say something suspicious.

Or at least something suspicious if you and your family also happen to be wearing traditional Muslim headscarves and beards when walking through the aisle musing on the best place to sit in case of an accident, explosion, or other sort of emergency.

"We were [discussing whether it was safest to sit near] the wing, or the engine or the back or the front. But that's it. We didn't say anything else that would raise any suspicion."

Ha ha. Don't be silly. Here in America that's not only enough to get you and the other 8 Muslim-Americans in your party unceremoniously booted from the plane, but also barred from re-booking the flight, even after the FBI clears you of all charges and pleads with agents on your behalf.

If you wanted the friendly skies, you should have gone United.

AirTran: The Not-So Friendly Skies