Rick Santorum AKA Pope Pius XIII Wants To Vomit All Over America Because Of JFK

Insane person and frothy byproduct of anal sex Slick Rick Santorum is once again all hot 'n bothered, but this time it isn't even because of hoity-toity elitist college educations, horny teenagers grinding their privates against one another like sweaty savages, the legally sanctioned Holocaust of the unborn, or secret Muslim terrorist presidents who don't believe America is locked in a WWE-style battle to the death with Satan or women's ladyparts.

No, no, this time Rick Santorum is whining and bitching and moaning (*not in a sexual way) about something really terrifying: that one allegedly Catholic president John F. Kennedy's famous, 52-year old speech in which he says the unthinkable, “I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute.”

ABSOLUTELY revolting! So gut wrenchingly horrifying, in fact, that it makes weirdo Rick want to vomit all over your face!

Here's part of Kennedy’s remarks, specifically the part that forces His Holiness Rick Santorum to excommunicate JFK to every layer of hell, while simultaneously retching his toxic bile on the good people of America:

I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote; where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference; and where no man is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him.
I believe in an America that is officially neither Catholic, Protestant nor Jewish; where no public official either requests or accepts instructions on public policy from the Pope, the National Council of Churches or any other ecclesiastical source; where no religious body seeks to impose its will directly or indirectly upon the general populace or the public acts of its officials; and where religious liberty is so indivisible that an act against one church is treated as an act against all.

Ah yes, profoundly reasonable remarks, indeed the very tenet this fine country was founded upon...which Rick Santorum hears and promptly proceeds to go baaaaaarrrrrrffffffff and spew nasty high-projectile Santorum from his wide gaping mouth:

To say that people of faith have no role in the public square? You bet that makes you throw up. What kind of country do we live that says only people of non-faith can come into the public square and make their case? That makes me throw up and it should make every American…

Shut up, then grow up, and when I look at you I throw up, and then your mom goes around the corner and licks it up??

Now we’re going to turn around and say we’re going to impose our values from the government on people of faith, which of course is the next logical step when people of faith, at least according to John Kennedy, have no role in the public square.

Wait, what?? I always thought the next logical step was to get gay married and give Socialist fist bumps all around when people of faith froth like Rick Santorum, at least according to the American voters, have no role in the public square.

It goes without saying that Rick has no role in the private square either, but we're trying to keep our vomiting to a minimum, like say, the number of orgasms Rick's had in his lifetime. 

After all, intolerance and freedom go together just like Santorum and vomit. A match made in Judeo-Christian heaven!

Fuck Berlin, this is Santorum's world. "Ich bin ein Bulimic!"

[image via Wonkette]

WWJD? Probably Anything But Ask Rick Perry & His Crazy People Revival For Help!

Read My Lips. No New Texans!

It is no secret that God has been keeping all the rain to himself (mastery of the universe sure makes a deity thirsty!) and shooting fire and brimstone at the morality-crazed wingnuts in the American South like some wild, hormone-crazed, undersexed teenager furiously firing BB pellets at empty beer cans in the backyard.

This, of course, has left wingnuts a little confused. Particularly, Republican governor wingnuts, whose idea of showing leadership in times of crisis usually consists of getting down on both knees to suck corporate Koch for money humbly turn to the Lord Almighty Jesus Christ to solve all their awful Earthly woes.

Like current preacher-in-chief and possible commander-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry of Texas, who already successfully quenched the parched landscape and burning bushes of Texas by praying to the Big Man upstairs to make it rain, while simultaneously praying to the Big Bad gubmint to make it rain dolla dolla bills like Pacman Jones at a strip club.

I mean, what else should the elected leader of a state do to stem the raging wildfires and endless drought plaguing the state? Admit global warming is a real, serious threat that humans have the power to make better or worse? Start actually adhering to the Environmental Protection Agency's regulations of planet-warming emissions like some elitist science-loving pussy?

Aww, hell no! Not over his burnt, sweating hands! Why, it would be un-American! And certainly, un-Texas like!

C'mon, he's not an idiot! He'll do what any responsible individual facing unprecedented challenges from both nature and culture (gay people), and hold a modern-day tent revival called "The Response," inviting Christians to pray for solutions to all of America's problems. Like say black Godless Socialists in the White House...

Hooray!

Slated for August 6th (day of reckoning?), Rick Perry's historic all-day Pray-n-Fast will take place in Houston and be "a non-denominational, apolitical Christian prayer meeting" where "people of all ages, races, backgrounds and Christian denominations will be in attendance to proclaim Jesus as Savior and pray for America."

So come on down to Reliant Stadium, but make sure to leave your Muslim prayer rugs and Jewish stars at home because this Prayerpalooza is all inclusive, so long as you have Jesus Christ in your heart and a glock 19mm in your hand.

From The Response website:

"We believe that America is in a state of crisis. Not just politically, financially or morally, but because we are a nation that has not honored God in our successes or humbly called on Him in our struggles. According to the Bible, the answer to a nation in such crisis is to gather in humility and repentance and ask God to intervene."

Since the actual elected leaders apparently don't know how to solve shit.

Yes, it is high time to turn to a "greater power," and by greater power we don't mean the governor, just someone who has some authority or perhaps even a single good idea to help people out of catastrophe, which unless it involves shooting coyotes with laser-sighted pistols, is clearly not Rick Perry.

Hate to say it, but ever consider He's just not that into you??

Besides, severe drought and raging wildfires are one thing. But asking the good people of Texas to abstain from stuffing their mouths for one whole day?

That would take a miracle!

Sarah Palin Continues To Prove Her Love For America By Showing Her Hatred Of Muslims

Sarah Louise Palin continues to defy reason, logic, our wildest imaginations, and even the basic laws of science on her national quest to make America a dumber, more hateful, intolerant place like her favoritest Russia or Alaska or whatever, by destroying it from the inside out.

Although, to be perfectly honest, one would probably gain more insight into pressing national issues and how our federal government should operate by miking up a wooden table or slice of cheese pizza and asking it questions instead.

Surely, you'd get more than nonsensical, rambling, incoherent, one-word answers that would perhaps be impressive coming from your three-year-old, rather than a full-grown (physically, at least) 46-year-old get-rich-quick-scheme swooping in from the snowy North.

But, lo and behold, the political juggernaut (slice of cheese pizza) known as Mama Grizzly cannot be stopped by prayers, wishes or even clicking your heels three times fast, alone.

Because much like Hurricane Katrina, the 2004 Asian Tsunami, 2010's Haitian Earthquake, or any other natural disaster of epic proportions, this furious Arctic gale wind is a force to be reckoned with. And the best you can do in the event of one of these natural catastrophes is get out of the way, duck & cover, brace yourself for impact, and hope for a miracle.

Sarah Palin Monday night chided President Barack Obama for his support of the right to build the proposed mosque two blocks from Ground Zero in New York, saying, “He just doesn’t get it."

OMG, he like totes doesn't get it! And contrary to what those arugula-eating elitists with their fancy college degrees from accredited institutions may try and tell you, SarBear knows, "Just doesn't get it" ≠ "My argument makes no sense." In fact, "just doesn't get it" is the go-to argument renowned religious studies & political science scholars like Sarah Palin prefer when "refudiating" dummy 'freedom of religion' hogwash by librul presidents who are also secret Muslim Terrorist Socialists.

“It sounds cliched to say that the president is disconnected from the American people on this issue, but how else do you describe it,” the former half-term Alaska GOP governor said on Fox News.

You are soooooooo right, Sar! There is simply no other way to describe the leader of the United States upholding his presidential oath, and defending the very principles this country was founded upon, than by using hackneyed catch phrases that don't really even mean anything to describe his imagined disconnect from ignorant snow drifter blabbermouths who hate everyone and everything that is not pure snow white and Christian.

You want to know who is not totally disconnected from the American people, though? Sarah Palin, that's who! Sure, she lives in the frozen middle of nowhere, thousands of rugged miles from where the vast majority of the other 310 million or so residents of this country live, but that doesn't mean she can't speak on behalf of all Americans, everywhere!

If God didn't intend for Sarah to be THE voice of America, why would He bless her with a hearty voicebox, and make talkin' senseless drivel her #1 bestest skill in the whole, wide world?

“He just doesn’t get it, that this is an insensitive move on the part of those Muslims who want to build that mosque in this location.”

Sarah Palin sure gets it alright! And she is certainly sensitive to the fact that the true greatness of America lies in the monochromatic beauty of its all-white citizenry who worship the same, respectable, monotheistic white Christian deity (like Jesus!), and would never ever commit any transgressions in the name of their God or religious beliefs, because theirs is the most perfect religion ever to grace the face of the Earth, and can do no wrong. Ever!

Those meany-I-don't-care-who-gets-hurt Muslims don't understand these Christian things like decency, compassion, and tolerance of those not exactly the same as you (hmmm, ignorant and white?). Why else would "those Muslims" demand the same constitutional protections afforded to the rest of the population, and the freedom to practice their religion just like everyone else in this country, if they weren't so selfishly insensitive to what uneducated bigots like Sarah want?

“If the purpose of this mosque, as we are lead to believe, is to create this tolerant environment, to avoid anything like a 9/11 ever repeating, you have to ask why didn’t one of those 100 [existing] mosques already accomplish such a thing,” Palin asked. “So I don't buy into that reason, that that's the purpose of this location being chosen."

Hear that, real America?? Sarah does not "buy" this whole hippie-dippie, we-come-in-peace, Muslimy veil of lies and terror!

No matter how many Muslims are decent, hard-working Americans like you and me, who just want to practice their religion peacefully, there are some among us, like Miss Alaskan wonder over here, who refuse to tolerate them, because well, they're still a bunch of jihadist heathens who'd like nothing more than the chance to fly another hijacked plane into some other crowded, landmark building in the middle of the world's most bustling metropolis, and fill the streets with blood and debris. Allah-willing, not on their block, but the other way, toward that other sacred block with the strip clubs, nudie bars, and peep shows.

Perhaps with some actual education, Sarah Palin could understand that “those Muslims” are Americans, too, not some evil anchor babies (all growd up) dropped off by the evil, al-Qaeda stork to hatch their nefarious terrorist plots across America, once they hatch from their terrorist protective shells in the basements of NYC mosques that used to be Burlington Coat Factories.

Then maybe she would also understand that the mosques already there get pretty crowded, and since real cities have lots of different people living in them, who are not just white and Christian, this might also be a good reason to put another one in this location. Besides, 101 is such a lovely number, just think of what it did for those Dalmatians!

Everyone loves dogs, even if they hate Muslims, right?

Besides, maybe this mosque will be the magic one that stamps out extremism, just like all those magic Jesus temples cropping up all over the country to combat pedophilia and the rest of the child sex abuse scandals once plaguing the Catholic church.

So, whaddya say Sarah?

“It feels like a stab in the heart to, collectively, Americans who still have that lingering pain from 9/11.”

Nothing compared to the tiny ol' pin prick it feels like for people who also love America, but simply want to be a part of their own community and practice their own mainstream religious beliefs like everyone else, without being called the evil murderers of people who used to work in said community by dumb airheads blown in along the cold currents of the Arctic circle.

Good thing Sarah's heart is so ice-cold solid, no machete in the world can penetrate its frozen outer shell. I mean, not even normal temperatures can thaw the darn icicle.

Which is good news for the rest of us, because who knows where this country would be if we all started taking advice on how best to restrict religion in the United States from an old slice of AMERICAN cheese pizza left in the freezer too long, otherwise known as Sarah Palin.

We'd surely be in some very deep shit dish, and likely smothered with goat cheese or something gross and Muslimy like that.

Pat Buchanan Has Seen Quite Enough Christ Killing Jews Nominated To The Supreme Court, Thank You Very Much

Actual insane person and shameless anti-Semite Pat Buchanan took to his syndicated column on fringe major news network, MSNBC, to ask the one question on everyone's mind following President Obama's heretical nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court.

No, no not the whole does playing softball make you an automatic lezzie question. Get your mind out of the gutter, people!

The other big question people keep asking themselves, after realizing that not one, not two, but THREE dirty Jews will soon be sitting on the Court, thanks to Comrade Barry's Bolshevik plot to do away with Christianity (and good, white, civilized people) once and for all!

"If Kagan is confirmed, Jews, who represent less than 2 percent of the U.S. population, will have 33 percent of the Supreme Court seats," Buchanan wrote. "Is this the Democrats' idea of diversity?"

How else would the pesky Jews be able to control the banks and media in Christian America?

You see, Uncle Pat understands your concerns. Believe me he does! Why else would he feel the same frustrations as all those black leaders expressing disappointment over Kagan hiring way too many white people while Dean of Harvard Law?

Because as a white Christian male in America, he has been through it all. The shame, humiliation, degradation, discrimination, and persecution that comes with being a person of no color in today's America. He feels your pain, brothas!

But while leaders in the black community may be upset, the folks who look more like the real targets of liberal bias are white Protestants and Catholics, who still constitute well over half of the U.S. population.
Not in living memory has a Democratic president nominated an Irish, Italian or Polish Catholic, though these ethnic communities once gave the party its greatest victories in the cities and states of the North.
What happened to the party of the Daleys, Rizzos and Rostenkowskis?
And not in nearly half a century has a Democratic president nominated a white Protestant or white Catholic man or woman.

Thank goodness there is still one party with the good sense and common decency to nominate pure, white judges, instead of one Christ-killer after another!

Otherwise, where in sweet heavens (or fiery hell) would all the poor, persecuted white Christians go once America is completely overrun by terrible Jews, homosexuals, abortionists, and assorted other causes of God's wrath in the form of catastrophic disasters like hurricanes, terrorist attacks, oil spills, and other indisputable proof that God hates sinners.

So, sorry, Jews! Maybe next time you'll pick the right Testament to follow and son of God to worship and then maybe people will like you instead of trying to kill, or convert and save you from eternal damnation and hellfire.
Not to mention the wonders that getting rid of those horns will do.

On the bright side, at least now Sarah Palin won't mistake you for a wild moose or elk when spraying lead bullets from her personal aerial hunting 'copter 10,000 ft above ground, just as Jesus Would Have Done.
If those damn Jews didn't get to him first, that is.

WWJD? Probably Not Talk About Himself So Damn Much

Contrary to popular belief, Barack Hussein Obama is not a secret Muslim terrorist but a closet Jesus freak. He loves the son of God more than anyone, including the #1 undisputed king of Christianity George W. Bush.

In his first five months as president of the world, Barack Obama has already mentioned El Savior about a million times--and that's way more than Mr. Born Again Bush ever did.

Trust me. Obama's dropped the J bomb more times than Dubya dropped smart bombs on the Mideast. Whether he's talking about abortion, the Middle East, the economy, college graduations or any other issue that involves a crowd and TV crews, President Barack Obama finds some way to emphasize his deep love of Jesus Christ, his lord and savior.

Which is a sharp departure from Bush, who despite being hand-selected by God himself to be Commander-in-Chief, never talked openly about his faith. He just gave subtle hints.

Like the day of his second inauguration as governor of Texas, when he proclaimed, “I believe that God wants me to be president.” Or when he declared in a presidential debate while governor of Texas that the philosopher he most identified with was Jesus.

And of course there was the time Bush was asked whether he’d talked to his father, the 85-year-old-and-still-skydivingformer President George H.W. Bush, about the decision to invade Iraq and responded by saying, “There is a higher father that I appeal to.”

But these two devout believers have very different reasons for wearing their faith on their sleeves.

For Obama, all this Godspeak offers the man a chance to connect with the 83 percent of Americans who believe in God. Plus, by constantly throwing out some Christian love, Obama is also hoping to convince the 11 percent of Americans who still believe that he is in fact a closet Muslim.

But some like disgruntled former Bush staffer David Kuo worry that all this unprotected sex between politics and religion could spell trouble.

“When God becomes identified with a political agenda, God gets screwed.”

True. But maybe this time around, America won't.