Obama Administration Announces Global Quest To Save Gay People; Rick Perry Denounces It In Personal Quest To Save Himself From Seeming Like A Good Person

Normal, sane folk who don't convulse uncontrollably at the idea of actually making dare I say, progress in the treatment of fellow human beings, felt an overwhelming sense of pride as Barack Obama announced that the United States "would use all the tools of American diplomacy, including the potent enticement of foreign aid, to promote gay rights around the world."

In a memorandum issued by the President Obama and in a speech by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the Obama administration vowed to "actively combat efforts by other nations that criminalize homosexual conduct, abuse gay men, lesbians, bisexuals or transgendered people, or ignore abuse against them."

Whoa, whoa, whoa! OMG, since when do gross gay people count as actual human beings? Does Jesus know about this?

The New York Times apparently does.

"I am deeply concerned by the violence and discrimination targeting LGBT persons around the world whether it is passing laws that criminalize LGBT status, beating citizens simply for joining peaceful LGBT pride celebrations, or killing men, women, and children for their perceived sexual orientation," Mr. Obama said in a presidential memorandum.

Ugh, fine, but throwing rocks at them is still cool, right?

"In many ways, they are an invisible minority," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said at the United Nations Human Rights Council in Geneva. "They are arrested, beaten, terrorized - even executed. Many are treated with contempt and violence by their fellow citizens while authorities empowered to protect them look the other way - or join in the abuse. Too often, they are denied opportunities to work and learn, driven from their homes and countries, and forced to suppress or deny who they are to protect themselves from harm."

Oh, so they're like Occupy protesters here?

After saying the United States' own record on the issue is "far from perfect" and that there is still work to be done domestically, Clinton urged the international community to act despite the fact that opposition based on "deeply held personal, political, cultural, and religious beliefs" remains. "Being gay is not a Western invention. It is a human reality."

Which I guess can be said about the Kardashians as well.

“In reality, gay people are born into — and belong to — every society in the world,” she said. In countries “where people are jailed, beaten or executed for being gay,” she called on leaders to leap ahead of their constituents cultural or social mores, if necessary. 

Wait, so does that mean the whole stoning/beheading in a public square is a no go? Cause if so, Uganda's gonna be pissed!

“I’m not saying that gay people can’t or don’t commit crimes,” she said. “They can and do, just like straight people. And when they do, they should be held accountable. But it should never be a crime to be gay.”

Unless say, they do the unthinkable like wear white after Labor Day or heavens forbid, fuchsia gingham shirts tucked neatly into tight white pants and secured by a turquoise '80s belt to a White House Garden Party.

Other than that, the U.S. going on record as being uncool with gay-hating foreign governments, and not wanting people to be murdered, tortured or imprisoned for their sexuality is a pretty uncontroversial thing, unless...UNLESS you are a fading, desperate drunkard like Rick Perry, who will prove once and for all he is the #1 presidential candidate of straight Jesus and all HIS one man + one woman (+ semi automatic machine gun) glory.

Well there's no way Slick Rick Perry's just going to sit back and let them gays get any of those "special rights" to exist, which is why he issued this fiery statement:

“Just when you thought Barack Obama couldn’t get any more out of touch with America’s values, his administration wants to make foreign aid decisions based on gay rights.
“This administration’s war on traditional American values must stop.
“I have proposed a foreign aid budget that starts at zero. From that zero baseline, we will consider aid requests based solely on America’s national security interests. Promoting special rights for gays in foreign countries is not in America’s interests and not worth a dime of taxpayers’ money.
“But there is a troubling trend here beyond the national security nonsense inherent in this silly idea. This is just the most recent example of an administration at war with people of faith in this country. Investing tax dollars promoting a lifestyle many Americas of faith find so deeply objectionable is wrong.
“President Obama has again mistaken America’s tolerance for different lifestyles with an endorsement of those lifestyles. I will not make that mistake.”

Aww, hell no! Instead Rick Perry will make the mistake of thinking that the only people in the world are obese racist old white people who live in the American south, and equate the rights of gay people to paying income tax.

But, don't worry Rick! Everyone knows no more Republicans will accidentally turn gay as a result of this new policy. That's what Teletubbies, the Military, and Craigslist is for!

[image via AP/Wonkette]

Not Even Rick Perry Is Drinking Rick Perry's Kool-Aid, Unless It's Spiked With Bacardi, Served With An Umbrella Straw & Moves Elections To An Imaginary Date In Some Drunk Fool's Mind

When not embarrassing himself on national teevee by forgetting which of the big, bad, Socialist, gubmint programs he can't wait to get rid of (edukayshun?) in the middle of a prime-time Republican debate, Slick Rick Perry is usually content to just get drunk and embarrass himself away from the bright glare of the spotlight, like, say at an obscure New Hampshire town hall meeting no one cares about anyway. Or maybe just skip the booze and embarrass himself doing what he does best (besides swigging from a secret flask and executing inmates): opening his big fat trap and saying something ridiculously stupid, it makes Herman Cain look like a total jenius in comparison. I'm talking Albert Feinstein level!

Like when Rick Perry attempts to lock up a presidential victory by reminding the good people of New Hampshire to vote for him, Rick "Jesus" Perry, on November 12, a solid week after the actual November 6 presidential election, when no one else will even be running anymore, unless of course they know a thing or two about flux capacitors in 1985 DeLoreans. Solid strategy, Slick!

Even better is when Rick Perry decides to move the legal voting age from 18 to 21, because, c'mon, what's an election without getting smashed out of your mind first? Certainly not any election Rick Perry has any chance of winning.

“Those of you that will be 21 by November the 12th, I ask for your support and your vote. Those of you who won’t be, work hard.”

Hear that New Hampshire?

Rick Perry is imploring all of you to please work hard, getting as drunk as humanly possible Rick Perry, so that you mistakenly vote for him in the one election he actually has a chance to win: the fictional kind.

But it's not as if Perry's whole brain is drowning in a delicious sea of Jameson and Patrón. The dwindling patch of functioning neurons remaining in Rick Perry's ethanol-soaked mind did manage to comprehend that some desperate, insane (shit-faced?) wingnuts may still want a few reasons to pick Rick, so he gave 'em something they can really sink their teeth (or at least what's left of them) into: what to do with all those pesky brown people doing the gritty jobs and hard manual labor beneath the average white supremacist hillybilly Perry supporter.

“What we need is a president that has the courage, who has the will to implement and send the resources to that border to secure it.”

Oooh, like Herman Cain and his possibly-electrified border fence with the alligator-filled moat??

Speaking of illegal immigrants arrested for non-violent crimes, Perry said, “My policy will be to detain and deport every illegal alien who is apprehended in this country.”

In other words, he will round up everyone who has already been rounded up, and then do, umm, whatever it is that incompetent idiot Republican governors of Texas do with poor non-white minorities: kill them secretly employ them as maids, gardeners, or an extra set of hands to help herd the cattle and groom the horses on their sprawling ranch.

Either way, Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, and Newt Gingrich better watch out, because the race to the bottom is officially heating up.

And no Rick, we don't mean the wooden barrel where you store your moonshine.

For God's sake, Rick, didn't anyone tell you you're not required to get wasted every time you speak in public?

The mind may be a terrible thing to waste. But I guess, in Rick Perry's case, an even more terrible waste would be if he actually had a mind.

[image via The Daily Beast]

Texas GOP Candidate Spends His Days Talking To Donkeys, Which Is Still More Enlightening Than Talking To Rick Perry

Nothing screams leadership more than a man whose idea of an effective political ad campaign is to talk patriotism to a horde of dim, braying donkeys, also known as jackasses, as though they were good-for-nothing, godless socialist human welfare parasites, also known as gross poor people. Wait, or is it Democrats?

Amiright?

Thank Jesus GOP Texas congressional candidate, self-proclaimed Donkey Whisperer, and Rick Perry's one-time BFF/Secretary (of State), Roger Williams (not the important Roger Williams of 17th century religious freedom fame) understands what the American people want. No, no make that what the American people need, which is of course to be spoken to like some worthless beast of burden too dumb to even understand American English, the best, most God-blessed language to ever grace the Earth.

I mean, seriously, donkeys, Democrats, poor people, what's the difference? It's like splitting mares, err, hairs, I meant hairs!

"You're not a victim, you're a patriot, you're an opportunist," Williams tells his four-legged friends. "Let's take advantage of it, okay?"

Heee-haw! Heee-haw! Heee-haw!

"You know all these guys want is more shelter, they want more feed, yet the government is making it harder on me, taxing me to death, I can't afford to build that. When I don't build it, they think I owe it to them. See, all you guys want is a handout. I don't have something in it and now you're getting mad again. Years ago we didn't have this problem. But now it's just a hassle to get them to do anything."

Well, other than haul hundreds of pounds strapped to their backs up and down mountains all day long for mere peanuts hay, or if they're really lucky, their fave barley straw. Haha, they don't even get paid, the dumbasses!

"Don't turn your head, I know you're embarrassed because you're part of the problem, alright, but we can turn it around."

Ok, good because talking to herds of animals is probably not the healthiest hobby to have.

“These donkeys don’t live in the United States of France. They live in the United States of America!”

Oooh, but wherever is this “United States of France” he speaks of? Is it in Socialist Europe, like that other "France" we've heard of? Ya know, that snooty, war-hating country with an "elitist social safety net" and fields of fine wine-growing plants as far as the monocled eye can see, if it wasn't already smashed on Cabernet Sauvignon.

"They keep thinking that Obama's gonna to take care of them, Obama's gonna feed them. Obama's gonna build their barns. Look if I could get Obama out of health care that we're stuck with, I could do things. I could get these teeth fixed. But he's gotta get away, he's got to let me do the things I need to do."

Like, say, whisper sweet nothings to livestock?

"See those big ears? Still can't hear me."

Ugh, great so they're dumb and deaf now??

What an ass!

That Eeyore dude seems like a wonderful candidate though!

True Men Don't Kill Coyotes, They Kill Federal Reserve Chairmen!

Heil Jesus?

Memo to Rick Perry: Don't hold your arm like that. Especially at a podium with a microphone in front of a crowd. I mean seriously. Don't even let your arm do that for a second. Not even one second. Just a suggestion.

Then again, Slick Rick was never one to take advice from anyone. That's for pussies and queers, not cowboy presidents who murder coyotes with laser-sighted pistols during routine morning jogs.

Now pipe down, so we can hear who or what America's favorite maniac executioner/George W. Bush's long lost twin on steroids wants to axe murder today.

Oh, just every single federal regulation ever, and also everyone who isn't white, Christian, and a card-carrying member of the NRA. Oh, and also Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, of course!

"We’re calling today on the president of the United States to put a moratorium on regulations across this country, because his regulations, his EPA regulations are killing jobs all across America."

Yeah, enough job killing already! It's high time we started killing people, God damn it! Never mind that Perry’s little "moratorium on regulations" would mean a literal end to the rule of law in the United States. I mean, seriously, who needs clean water, functional aircraft, food that's not poisoned, cars that don't spontaneously combust, and blood pressure drugs that aren't laced with arsenic, anyway? Certainly not Rick Perry and his Grand Old Party of idiot Tea bags!

Just wait til you see what slick Rick is gonna do to ol' money bags Ben Bernanke if he even so much as dares do his evil socialist government job and increase stimulus spending to save the nation's economy. He's about to go all Texas two-step on his ass.

Via ThinkProgress:

Speaking just now in Iowa, Perry said, “If this guy prints more money between now and the election, I dunno what y’all would do to him in Iowa but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treacherous -- or treasonous -- in my opinion."

Though, if it's for a nice, Texas-sized game of monopoly, he'll let it slide. He's not unreasonable!

It's just that Rick Perry, unlike dumbass Bernanke, understands the subtle nuances of monetary policy, which is why he is calling for everyone to trade in Glenn Beck's fake gold coins, the tears of Mexican migrant workers, and the severed body parts of executed prisoners.

It's like a "policy platform," just with more awesome death 'n stuff. Why spend money on bringing bloody, senseless wars and anarchy abroad in gross Muslimy countries, when you can have all the fun right here in good, Christian America?

Rick Perry: Because sometimes the only cure is...more cowboy!

He's just like George W. Bush, minus the brains.

Guess everything really is bigger in Texas, disasters included. Man-made or otherwise.

Rick Perry Doesn't Care If His Pork Chop-On-A-Stick Contains Rat Feces

WWJD? Probably Anything But Ask Rick Perry & His Crazy People Revival For Help!

Read My Lips. No New Texans!

It is no secret that God has been keeping all the rain to himself (mastery of the universe sure makes a deity thirsty!) and shooting fire and brimstone at the morality-crazed wingnuts in the American South like some wild, hormone-crazed, undersexed teenager furiously firing BB pellets at empty beer cans in the backyard.

This, of course, has left wingnuts a little confused. Particularly, Republican governor wingnuts, whose idea of showing leadership in times of crisis usually consists of getting down on both knees to suck corporate Koch for money humbly turn to the Lord Almighty Jesus Christ to solve all their awful Earthly woes.

Like current preacher-in-chief and possible commander-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry of Texas, who already successfully quenched the parched landscape and burning bushes of Texas by praying to the Big Man upstairs to make it rain, while simultaneously praying to the Big Bad gubmint to make it rain dolla dolla bills like Pacman Jones at a strip club.

I mean, what else should the elected leader of a state do to stem the raging wildfires and endless drought plaguing the state? Admit global warming is a real, serious threat that humans have the power to make better or worse? Start actually adhering to the Environmental Protection Agency's regulations of planet-warming emissions like some elitist science-loving pussy?

Aww, hell no! Not over his burnt, sweating hands! Why, it would be un-American! And certainly, un-Texas like!

C'mon, he's not an idiot! He'll do what any responsible individual facing unprecedented challenges from both nature and culture (gay people), and hold a modern-day tent revival called "The Response," inviting Christians to pray for solutions to all of America's problems. Like say black Godless Socialists in the White House...

Hooray!

Slated for August 6th (day of reckoning?), Rick Perry's historic all-day Pray-n-Fast will take place in Houston and be "a non-denominational, apolitical Christian prayer meeting" where "people of all ages, races, backgrounds and Christian denominations will be in attendance to proclaim Jesus as Savior and pray for America."

So come on down to Reliant Stadium, but make sure to leave your Muslim prayer rugs and Jewish stars at home because this Prayerpalooza is all inclusive, so long as you have Jesus Christ in your heart and a glock 19mm in your hand.

From The Response website:

"We believe that America is in a state of crisis. Not just politically, financially or morally, but because we are a nation that has not honored God in our successes or humbly called on Him in our struggles. According to the Bible, the answer to a nation in such crisis is to gather in humility and repentance and ask God to intervene."

Since the actual elected leaders apparently don't know how to solve shit.

Yes, it is high time to turn to a "greater power," and by greater power we don't mean the governor, just someone who has some authority or perhaps even a single good idea to help people out of catastrophe, which unless it involves shooting coyotes with laser-sighted pistols, is clearly not Rick Perry.

Hate to say it, but ever consider He's just not that into you??

Besides, severe drought and raging wildfires are one thing. But asking the good people of Texas to abstain from stuffing their mouths for one whole day?

That would take a miracle!

There Will Be Blood...In Texas

The secessionist nutjobs (patriots of the Confederacy, former slaveowners and so forth) held a HUGE rally (like 10 people!) in front of the Texas State Capitol last week to show the nation how a Real American acts: By gearing up for a war against their sworn enemy the HATED United States.

But there was something decidedly absent from last weekend's "Sovereignty or Secession" rally other than brain cells: Gov. Rick Perry and his 70-plus pretend secessionist allies from the state legislature were nowhere to be found!

But why would the freedom-loving, secessionist governor of the second most populous state fail to make an appearance to support the cause he holds so dear: dissolving the God-awful Union?

Certainly not because he was, dare I say, embarrassed to be seen hobnobbing with such fine company. I'm sure Rick and Co. have a perfectly reasonable explanation for their absence, like not wanting to commit total political suicide quite yet.

Which means it was up to plump Texas Nationalist Movement leader Daniel Miller to fire up the crowd and give the people what they came for (besides seeing Fox News in real life!): to demand Texas legislators "immediately move for the restoration of the complete and unadulterated Sovereignty of Texas...or move immediately for complete Secession from the United States of America."

In the absence of actual politicians like Rick Perry, the protesters instead made do with Christian activist and deranged Gov. hopeful Larry Kilgore, whose enlightened policies include executing homosexuals and carrying out other deranged versions of the Lord's commandments, as well as Melissa Pehle-Hill (who??), member of the self-appointed "Citizens Grand Jury" investigating Barack Hussein Obama aka Barry Soetoro aka Obama bin Laden.

Oh, and plenty of tattooed bikers sporting Confederate memorabilia of all kinds, lots of older men in Texas flag shirts wearing too-tight blue jeans (complete with the obligatory crotch-hug), conspiracy theorists wandering around with various Obama-as-Joker, Obama-as-Hitler signs, and just enough cowboy hats, facial hair, and rotting teeth to make a normal person very uncomfortable.

"I hate that flag up there,” Kilgore said pointing to the American flag flying over the Capitol. "I hate the United States government...They’re an evil, corrupt government. They need to go. Sovereignty is not good enough. Secession is what we need!"

To which the patriotic crowd roared in approval, "We hate the United States!"

One Ron Paul nut lady chimed in: "We are aware that stepping off into secession may in fact be a bloody war. We are aware that the tree of freedom is occasionally watered with the blood of tyrants and patriots."

Or the blood of a handful of psychotic renegades after the evil US empire invades their new homeland, the "country" of Texas, obliterates its entire population, and levels the whole freaking place in less than a New York minute.